Hope and Help for Weary Moms (Part 2 of 2)

And so I can remember the day that I had my first little girl and I felt like this is what I was hoping for. This was the day.

This is it. I'm a mom now. And I remember everybody leaving, you know, that I have the baby. Everything's great.

I'm good. And holding her and everybody left the room, you know, they're going home. And I thought, do I even know what I'm doing?

Am I just going to mess her up? That's Crystal Porter. And she's our guest today on Focus on the Family, along with some other ladies from the Help Club for Moms. Your host is Focus President and author Jim Daly.

And I'm John Fuller. John, I've talked about it before on the broadcast, but I had a really great mom. I only had her for nine years, but she poured so much into me. She was my world.

Of course, she wasn't perfect. But she had me feel loved and seen and heard. And now that I've watched my wife Jean raise our two boys, I know that returning the favor to moms and showing love and appreciation is one of the most important things we can do. And that's why we dedicated yesterday and today's broadcast to give mom some help and some hope. I really appreciated the honesty that Deb, Crystal and Mary Jo brought to the table. And I'm looking forward to sharing the second half of this conversation with them. With our listeners. And if you missed the first part of this broadcast, be sure to find that on our website or wherever you get your podcasts. And as I said last time, Deb Weekly, Crystal Porter and Mary Jo Mast are all in various stages of motherhood and marriage. And they've written a book called the Help Club for Moms, inspirational and practical help for you, your home and your family. We've got copies of that. Look for the link in the episode notes. And as you listen along, you'll hear the reactions of our studio audience.

This was recorded pre pandemic. So we filled the room with other moms who are part of the help club. And here now is how we started part two of the conversation on today's episode of Focus on the Family. Deb, Crystal, Mary Jo, welcome back to Focus on the Family.

It's good to have you here and all your friends. Hey, I want to start today off by encouraging moms in their relationships with their children. That's really one of the main things that you do.

Right. And Mary Jo, let me turn to you. You have a story about becoming a mom police officer. You've got to love the mom police officer. What was going on?

Why did you get the badge? Oh, my goodness. Well, kids are being kids.

Have you noticed they start a lot of sentences like this? And I was already struggling so bad with being a bad mom. And I just had this feeling of I felt like my kids were being bad all the time, like day in and day out. And I was embarrassed to go places sometimes just because they would act up and I would correct them. But and I would discipline them at home, but nothing ever seemed to work. And so I had a friend of mine and she meant well, I mean, she did not have any idea what she was saying. And she told me to keep track and discipline them every single time that they made a mistake.

And so I kind of kept a chart and I kept track of every little thing that they did. And in your mind or in fact, or both tried to in both. I was really trying hard to make them good kids like I was trying to form them into this. So you were the mom. Here's your citation.

Here you go. Show up in court. I'm also the judge. And what happened was I was just so angry all the time. I was so frustrated because I just couldn't get them to do what I wanted them to do. And it didn't last very long. Thank goodness. It didn't last very well. It didn't work.

It didn't work. And and so it made me cry out to the Lord where I just was like, God, I can't make my kids listen. So, you know, let me we always talk about the grocery store experience. You know, before you have kids, when you're dating your fiance, you're going, oh, we'll do such a better job parenting. Look at that woman on aisle nine. She can't handle her kids. And then as time goes on, you become the woman in aisle nine. And the next generation is walking in the other aisle saying, look at that poor mom. You know, it just is this vicious cycle. But the question is, yeah, what do you do?

You just go to that grocery store scene. You had seven children. So you had a handful.

I'm assuming maybe just four. But, you know, how do you say to the mom that's struggling with that right now? Being the former officer that you were relaxed? Yeah, relax. That's good. Kids are going to be kids.

Love them where they are. And I think the more uptight we are as parents, our children feel that. And they respond to that uptight feeling that we have. And it makes it way worse. Can I ask you, when you were in that moment and Jean has shared this with me, it's a reflection on you. And that Jean and her tender mommy heart would say that was what was really irritating me. I mean, it didn't speak highly of my mother's skills. And that's right.

And I think that's where the comparison comes in. When those moments happen in the grocery store, wherever you are and your kid acts up, you know, and you're like shocked at what they're doing. You're like, why are you acting like this? And and then you compare yourself with the mom who has the kids who they're doing everything right. You feel like it.

You don't at least see the times when they their kids. It's that moment. Yeah. And then you start feeling bad about yourself.

Yeah. And so, you know, I think God sees you is what I would say. God sees you. He knows and he has an answer. A lot of times our children respond because there's something going on in their heart that is it's troubling them. And so start asking God for the root issues rather than trying to fix them from the outside.

Fix the symptoms. Yeah. And Mary Jo, in the book, I believe you use a passage in Romans and talk about the importance of modeling. So the scripture kind of rewriting the script, if you will, in your head and that translating into actions. Do you remember that verse?

Yes, it was. It's the kindness of God that brings you to repentance. Romans 2 4.

Romans 2 4. Yes. Did that do a more effective job as you tried to live that out for your kids in the book of shame you had?

Yes. I realize that when I give them what they don't deserve, it actually makes more of an impact because they already know when they mess up. They don't need us to always be telling them. They already have this innate knowing that I'm being bad.

And so when you're giving them what they don't deserve, which is what Christ did for us, it really it drives it home. Yeah. So here's a tough one.

And Deb, I'll point this question to you. I think every mom wants to have that great close relationship with each of their children. And then there's maybe one child that's not connecting quite right.

Or acting up. You're the mom that leaves the playgroup crying. You have a connection where you may be in a season where you're struggling with that one child.

Yes. What happened in your circumstances and how did that manifest? I was always the mom who would leave the always never and always thing that we brought up. I was always the one that would leave with a child that had been disobedient or was crying. And so I would leave and I would feel like the worst mom or she would I always tease and I say she would put her toe right on the line that we told her were not to cross.

And it was hard because she was so strong willed. And I think that sometimes I think it's good to remember that especially those strong willed kids that are getting in trouble all the time. They could be those children and you may be married to a husband or have a wife that when they get angry or act up, it's because they are mad at themselves for what they did. So with my daughter, she would often act worse when she was messing up and doing things wrong because she was feeling bad, but she didn't know how to fix it.

Right. Like I think children, husbands are like that. Sometimes our husbands could be angry and they're angry because they are angry at themselves for getting angry or they're angry at themselves for losing their temper. And I think that as wives and with our children and with our husbands that the more that we can come alongside of them and say like with my daughter, we would start calling Romans 4 17 where God gives life to the dead and calls those things that are not as though they yet were. And it's when God called Abram, Abraham before he had children, God called him the father of many nations. And when we call out the goodness in our children and anything that they're doing right or our husbands, when we're calling out any good that they're doing and catching them being good and saying, you know what? I know that you don't want to fight with your brother or you say you were so kind to your brother yesterday or right now or with your husband here. I know that you don't mean to get upset.

And I know your heart is to be patient. And, you know, I love you so much and I just see so much growth in you. And I just feel so much of our words by bringing life with our words, we're acting like God.

We're acting like God and we're calling those things into being that may not have been there yet. You know, and it's, I think it's just the fleshly nature of all of us that we tend, especially in close intimate relationships like your spouse, you can really lean into. And I think men do this because it's our default nature, sarcasm and cutting down.

And it's so destructive. I mean, I think that's been one of my weakest points, you know, and I'm trying to do better to be more uplifting and positive and reinforce and just bite my tongue when I'm about to say something. It might be quite funny, but at someone's expense, you know, so I'm trying to do better.

I should be mature in my 50s by now, right? But I'm working on that. Crystal, you have an emphasis about having fun with your kids you love with your family and your kids. So in fact, there's a list of things you can do.

We'll post that at the website if you're willing. And that's OK. So what's that list of fun?

I need it now. I know. You know what I think it springs from is I like to have fun. Yeah, motherhood can not feel fun sometimes. And so maybe that's why it's a little bit more of a priority to me because I'm like, man, we got to have some fun in our day or I'm going to lose my mind. And so but also the idea of having fun with my kids and on their level, like if my daughter, for example, says, Mom, will you come play Barbies with me?

I mean, I would probably rather have a cheese grater to my forehead. I don't love pretending. It's just that's a part of motherhood that's always been a struggle for me. And so kind of from that, I've been like, OK, well, what will I do? Because, you know, instead of beating myself up, oh, I don't get on the floor and play with my kids. I don't do that very often. But I do things that I like to do and I bring them into it.

And so then everybody wins, hopefully. So what's an example of that? So an example, I know, right? I know. I appreciate your honesty. And, you know, I don't think I'm alone. I've talked to a few friends that feel the same way about pretending. But you've got some nodding heads here. So what do you do?

What do I do? OK, so for earlier this year or last year, all my kids, all five got whooping cough. So we were all losing our minds, what I was talking about before. And we had to figure out what we were going to do. So, you know, in the book, I talk about how one night I was just looking around and it was just a sad story.

Looking around my house, you know. Cabin fever. And yet cabin fever, I had been awake.

What I felt like was 200 nights just because the cough flared up at night. And so I was just awake and I was a zombie mom and I was super grouchy. And so we, I'm like, guys, let's go outside. Dad's going to grill something for dinner and we're going to have a dance party outside. OK. And pick your song because you're going to be on display. We're all going to clap for you.

It's going to be great. And all the kids are just like, yes, you know, this is it. We've been waiting to have some fun, you know. And so even in the midst, I think sometimes it's hard because when you're in the midst of the hardness of being a mom and when especially when your kids get sick or I don't know, you're having issues with one of them.

Fun is kind of at the bottom of the list because you're just trying to survive and you don't want to do that. Well, you don't feel it. You don't feel it. No. So you got to say yes and then do it.

Then you feel it. And love is a choice. If I want to love my kids, I need to make sure that I'm, you know, fun. Kids are fun.

That's what they want to do. So I mean, yeah. So we have it, you know, in the book is 25 simple ways to have fun with your kids. But a couple of them are like, have a backyard camp out with s'mores. Make homemade play dough.

And these are like things that you don't need to go to the, you know, the nearest jump place and pay all this money to have your kids have fun. You can have fun. Make milk and cookies. Have a milk and cookie night. Every Friday nights, milk and cookie night. Whether they're store-bought because that week. I've been, right?

Or whether you're making them all together. But just the simple things and that little, little bit of intentionality, I think with our kids goes a really long way. That's good. This is Focus on the Family. And today we're sharing a great conversation we had with Deb Weekly, Mary Jo Mast and Crystal Porter and other members of the Help Club. And we've enjoyed so much talking about their book, The Help Club for Moms.

Look for your copy. We've got the link in the episode notes or call 800 the letter A and the word family. All right. We've had a lot of fun talking about being the mom to that little boy or girl. Now let's talk about marriage in the midst of parenting.

That's a tough one. Every single mom is going to have a different experience, obviously, but you're juggling so much. And then there's dad, there's a husband who's saying, hey, you know, can I spend a little time with you? However that works out.

And you're saying I got nothing to give. There's a lot of tension in that. And, you know, here at Focus on the Family, we talk a lot about making sure your home is a marriage centric home. That's one of the best things you can do for your kids is make sure they see you loving each other. Right. That mom and dad are engaged and have a good relationship. It's the best thing you could do for them. But it takes commitment. It takes time, especially when you're so tired. So which one do you want to jump out there and volunteer some ideas on that tough point of being this tired mom with little ones grabbing at you all day.

And then here's dad. She knows. OK. Both of you guys. You all know.

Yeah, we all know. Yeah, it is so hard to be intentional when you have a lot of children and you are just. I mean, I had a range of from like 15 all the way down to like four and they're all older now, but I just was being pulled from every direction. And then when dad would come home, husband would come home. It was easy for me to not see what he had been doing all day, trying to provide for the family. And so it was also easy for me just to be short with him and to just not appreciate him when he would come home. For us, dads, husbands, where does that come from? Help us better understand, because we've all experienced that, too. And it's not a guilt thing. But when you step through the door and mom's tired and all those kinds of things.

But it's the shortness. It's like you think to yourself as the husband, you're going, wow, what happened? You know, sometimes it's two feet in the house, sometimes 10 feet.

But certainly by about 50 feet, you get it. Yeah, yeah. I think it's just you feel so expended from doing the cooking to the laundry to meeting emotional needs, disciplining and all of the things that go with parenting. And actually, I was kind of jealous that my husband didn't have to do all that stuff.

He could just kind of escape. I looked at it right as an escape and then go to work, hurt you. That made you feel bad. It makes it really.

Yeah, it made me feel upset. I felt like I was taking most of the responsibility of raising the children because he was gone so much. When in reality, he's such a good husband and I was just overlooking and not keeping in mind his part of what, you know, there has to be unity in your marriage. And so you have to appreciate the differences. Well, in fact, you talk about winning as a team.

Go ahead and describe that. Yes, just well, I think winning is recognizing the difference of what a husband is called versus what you as a wife are called to. And then as a mom and a dad as well. And winning, I think, is just it's recognizing that you're a team.

Yeah. Deb, let me ask you, your husband, you were a little frustrated because you didn't feel that he was providing kind of the spiritual leadership of the home. OK, every wife.

I do want to say that what my husband did you right. And if there's male listeners in the audience, he told me whenever because he would work and he would say, you're doing the important job. Oh, that's so true.

He would say that to me. And I think if you're a guy listening and your wife, maybe she works or maybe she stays home, whatever it is, she's still maybe the one getting up in the middle of night with a throwing up baby or whatever, just to encourage her that you see her doing an important job. It's the eternal job. It's the eternal job.

It's what counts. Yeah, it's the spirit of your children. So my husband did tell me that.

But but I had it back to this moment when he was not angelic. I know. I know. So I had a really rough childhood.

Right. Which, as you can imagine, I had some rough teenage and early 20s. And I made some mistakes and things that I did not desperately did not want my children repeating.

Sure. Fearful. I was so afraid of my kids doing what I did. And it really was a fear. It drove me.

Correct. And I hate that I have that part of my story, but God worked it out. But my husband. So I was desperate, like Crystal, not having a mom. And so I thought, well, I'm going to go to every mom's conference. I went one here. It was amazing.

It was it was so good. But I went to all I would fly to other states and go to mom's conferences at every conference. And the women hear this message so much in conferences and things that your husband needs to be reading the Bible to your kids. Your husband needs to, you know, be the one leading the spirit, the family spiritually, which is so true. But what if he doesn't know how or just isn't busy all day?

Maybe he's busy all day and he doesn't have time to think about it. So he comes home and like, oh, I was supposed to do something. And so we would get in big fights because I felt and I know you guys probably feel this way. We're like a woman. So we're trying to learn how to be a submissive wife.

Right. We get that spoken over us a lot, which is important to be submissive. But we don't know how to do it. Are we supposed to read the Bible? Are we allowed to read the Bible?

You know, how do we come under his authority? Right. But I'm so thankful for God's grace and that he showed me how to be my husband's helper.

Yeah. And I think that is moms. This is what we could do is for me in my home.

Everybody's different. My husband was busy during the week. And so what we would do is on Sunday morning, we would, I would make a big breakfast.

Oh, that's nice. And everybody would get up because it was pancakes and bacon. And then my husband would read his own voice.

He would do the voices like when Saul would try to throw the spear at David and he was always miss. So Randy would laugh about, oh, he always missed. And it was fun. But I set the stage.

I would, you know, get the kids out of bed. So it became an event. It became an event. No, that's good. Being his helper, so.

All right. You say that one of the most helpful things for moms to do is to find community. I mean, I'm sure some moms are going, are you kidding? I mean, I can't get out of the house. So that's probably part of the first question I'd like to ask you is how do you do that when you got so much going on? Why are mom friendships so important, though? And they should make time to find those mom connections and don't use the excuse that I can't find the time.

What's the benefit? I'm reminded of just the verse. I was just reading it this week. But is while it's still today, we need to be encouraging one another. And I don't know about you guys, but I need encouragement so bad. And nobody can encourage a mom like another mom.

Yes. I mean, that's true. You commiserate. You encourage each other. Sometimes another person is going to see the good in your child that you're not seeing.

They're going to have something for you, a word for you that you needed. And, you know, if nothing else, it's lonely to be a mom. Yeah, that's it's a lonely job. And I can't you know, we were talking about marriage before, but, you know, a lot of times you can feel invisible, like the work that you do. Nobody sees it. And your kids might see it a little bit. But yeah, they don't even know.

It's true. In that context, one of the occasional situations Jean and I would encounter is I could say, you know, it's okay, it's not going to be a long lasting thing with Trent or Troy. And she wouldn't hear it. But if she called her girlfriend, I mean, I would I had to settle down on that. And I had to stop saying, didn't I say that? I mean, you got to learn to bite your tongue a little. But I think there is a special connection there.

It's like the ears open up a little wider when it's mom to mom, rather than husband to wife. Well, and then the same, the days are long, but the years are short. And I just wrote a thing down the other day. And I'm like, the days are so long, like they are so long.

And you need that person that understands. I read this thing one time that said, you know, it was the husband thing, he came home from work. And he said, How was your day, honey? And this mom described her day. And she said, it was the best day. And it was the worst day.

And it was the roller coaster ride that you ride is so intense. And so having that person that understands that makes a huge difference. How do you do it? What advice do you have for that mom who's isolated right now? What can she do to get into community to find some other moms? Join the help club.

Yeah, so help club for moms is that. But we go deep with each other. We study the word together.

We have fun. We train our kids to know Jesus. And we're going in churches. And so join a help club or find a friend to pray with Mary Jo and I pray together crystal and I have rail and I pray together crystal. My so many women we pray together over the phone. And that's a big thing and how close we pray together. But you have to take the time and the energy and ask the Lord to bring you a friend.

Ask the Lord to help you a friend that's like my like minded. That's so important. Oh, you have to be careful, right? You do have to be careful because sometimes the belief system that other people have may not be exactly what yes, what you are and it can make it worse and wanting to make you more patient mother, you know, and and to sometimes you have to be brave to ask you have to get up and say I need help. Yeah, I can tell you I told somebody before.

Hey, will you be my friend literally as an adult as an adult mom? I have asked people how did the person respond to that? They were like, I would love to be a friend. That's good. It's actually really nice.

I did that too. A year ago. I asked this lady. She's in leadership at this ministry and I can I please be your friend and people love that and they need a friend. They need a friend. Let me let me end here.

We've gotten through this second day and this has been great material. I hope moms do everything that you've suggested they should do and I think they'll be in a better place if they do. But when your kids grew up and left home, you had that startling realization about your own identity and I think this is a great last question. Describe that time in your life and how you turned your depression around because that's what you felt. I was very because my daughter was getting married.

My son was in college. I had really worked hard on my children and I worked in ministry and and I didn't know where to go. Sounds like you're lost in your value walking out. It was walking out the door and I was going come back.

You know, it's the one job that you don't want to retire from. Let me keep being your mom. Can we keep doing this, please? And so I've but I felt like the Lord really helped me. It was a very dark time.

It was honestly the darkest time in my life was after being an empty nester, a new empty nester. I feel for those moms that have grown kids all pray with Jean when she gets older. You were right about there.

I mean, we're there 19 and 17. It's very I just can't explain it, but God is so good. I just can't say that enough.

And if you come to a help club, our help clubs are very, very more like this. Just come be with us. None of us has it all together. Jesus is the only one that has it all together. And so we we don't judge each other.

We don't gossip. We love one another. And it's the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my life. And it's Jesus is what it is.

And there's an online group, an online group. We pray for everybody. So if you're feeling lost in you, there's a prayer request online. You can just pray and pray and pray for this is so good. Thank you for being with us. Thank you for these wonderful ideas to help moms particularly lift their eyes to the Lord and then their families. Thank you. Well, we so enjoyed having Deb and Crystal and Mary Jo, as well as the entire studio audience along with us earlier this year, as we recorded before the pandemic began.

That's true, John. And I mentioned this yesterday, but I want to remind our listeners about our free counseling consultations that we offer here at Focus on the Family. One single mom called us during the height of the pandemic and said she was completely overwhelmed.

She had to work long hours and her kids' school was closed. And this mom was connected with one of our counselors who prayed with her and helped her brainstorm childcare options, and also gave her ideas for keeping her kids on track with their online school. The mom thanked the counselor profusely and said it helped so much. Yeah, that counseling team is, they have such great hearts. They're so committed and your problem isn't too big or too small. So please, if you're struggling, reach out. Our donors take care of the cost of these counselors being there for you.

So it's never a cost to you for that initial call. Our number is 800, the letter A in the word family, or you'll find a counseling request form. The link is in the episode notes. And if you feel like you're missing something in your day-to-day relationship with God and your kids, I highly recommend you get a copy of the book, The Help Club for Moms. And I really appreciate how practical this book is, Jim. It's got that list of 25 simple ways to have fun with your kids that Crystal mentioned last time.

Yes, and if you'd be willing to become a monthly supporter of Focus, that's the most helpful type of support you can give. I want to send you a copy of The Help Club for Moms as our way of saying thank you. And again, call 800, the letter A in the word family, to donate or click the link in the episode show notes. On behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team here, thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.