This episode is supported in part by the Christian Standard Bible, a translation designed to be faithful to the original text and clear for everyday readers. We're grateful for their partnership in helping bring gospel-centered content to families like yours. To learn more about the CSB, visit csbible.com. Ah. How has motherhood surprised you?
Yeah, I think the constancy, the just, we're going to go to bed tonight and we're going to wake up and we're going to do it all again. Yeah, and you might do it through the night too. Yes, yeah. You never know. Exactly.
Yeah, especially the phases that it's like, well. All right. I've got maybe three hours. Let's see. But yeah, I think the reality of like, and we're doing it again tomorrow and the next day.
And the day after that. And there's seasons, right? We know that, but seasons that are years long. Like, that's a lot of days to say, and it's gonna look roughly the same. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most.
I'm Dave Wilson. And I'm Ann Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifetoday.com. This is Family Life Today. Today, we're going to start out with a new segment called No Judgment Zone.
Okay, so. I'm going to ask you questions and you raise your hand if you've done this. Or you would do this. As a mom.
Okay, are you ready? Raise your hand if you've ever given your kids their passy after it's fallen on the floor without being rinsed.
Okay. Raise your hand if you've ever blamed them for something you actually did. I'm sure. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
You haven't? I probably have. I can't think of it. I can't think of one like off the top of my head. Raise your hand if you've made your kid go to timeout just so you can have a timeout.
Probably. 100%. You don't.
Somewhat regularly. But it's kind of, you have your timeout when you go into your room by yourself. I put myself in timeout.
Now, to be clear, I don't tell him he's in trouble. I just say it's time for you to hang out in your room for a few minutes. I will come back to get you. I do delineate between you're in trouble or I just stay in your life.
Okay. So I have done like everybody in your room for quiet book time. You have. Yeah. I'm done.
Okay. I'm done.
I'm done.
Raise your hand if you've ever borrowed their birthday or holiday money. I'm pretty sure my kids are adults, so I'm pretty sure I'm probably like, you got $10. I think I've definitely borrowed money from my 10-year-old. Oh, I totally do. Especially because I didn't always have cash on my in hand.
Yeah. So I would go borrow that. Should those all be areas that we like, there's no judgment zone here, but Yeah, we probably have a lot more secrets that we can share. Of course.
So this is going to be a super fun day on Family Life today because we're celebrating Mother's Day.
So we thought this would be the perfect time to have a panel of moms. Dave's not even here. I think he's in Disney riding all the rides. And so we are going to go for it. And we're excited to be able to talk about this today.
And I'm going to let my guests introduce themselves.
So Kate, why don't you go first? Kind of share who you are, how long you've been married and this stage of parenting, the ages of kids. Yeah. So my name is Kate. And I got married to my husband almost four years ago.
We're just approaching number four. And we have an eight-year-old.
So my husband came with my stepson was five, right about when we got married. And then a two and a half year old boy as well.
So you got married and you became a mom immediately. Yes. I bet that's not something you thought about beforehand. No, that wasn't on my radar of visions. Yeah.
Okay, Gwen. I am Gwen Smith, and I have been married for 41 and a half years to my high school sweetheart. How old are your kids? My oldest is 40, middle, who is a daughter. Then we have a middle son who is 37, and then our youngest who is soon to be 27.
And we have Maria Goff with us. Maria, you've been on Family Life Today several times. Share with our listeners and our viewers, like how old your kids are, how long you and Bruce have been married. Bruce and I have been married for, oh my goodness, 13 and a half years.
So we have four girls: 10, 7, 4, and 14 months.
So we as moms, we're on all different phases. I have grown kids, and Dave and I have been married 45 years. We have seven grandkids.
So, but I like how diverse our group is, like for age, all those things. And even blended. That's what I was going to say, Kate, having a blended family. Family and having a stepson.
So, before we get going, I wanted to say this. And maybe some of you can kind of talk into this. Mother's Day Day can be great and fun, but I think for a lot of women, it can be difficult. It can be if they've lost moms, it can be really sad and hard. If they're struggling with infertility, there's just a lot of things that make it hard.
Any thoughts on that? Yeah, I mean, I agree. We struggled with infertility for three years before we conceived our first.
So, what would a program like this? Would that trigger you? What do you think? Yeah, I think it would be something at the time that I would just turn off 'cause it would just be too hard. Yeah.
So, what would you say to that listener? I would say that it's just really hard, and I'm just really sorry. And there's nothing that can make it better, you know. Like, you could say the things like, I know that you're probably pouring into other kids around you in your life, but like, it's just not the same. And so, it's just hard.
It's just hard, man. I'm sorry that you have to walk through that.
Sorry, too. One of our kids, our son's, his wife had three miscarriages too. Like, that's a hard one. Or if you've lost a child, oh. And so you just can't really say anything that's necessarily helpful in the moment, but we get it.
We know it's hard, and we're sorry.
So, if you can listen, we'd love you to stay tuned in. Don't turn us off. I get it, though. I get why that happens. But let's start here.
How has motherhood surprised you? Has anything surprised you about it? Or maybe you had expectations that were kind of blown out of the water? The amount of trash everywhere. It is not in the garbage can.
I mean, everywhere, every corner, everywhere. I also have. My step son is very STEM oriented.
So, what does that mean? Every bottle, every cardboard box, every sticky note. Every pencil, everything has potential to be something new. And it must become so.
So, I have a bucket of literally, if you pull it out, it looks like just trash. It looks like cardboard and scraps. And that is one of our creative outlets: this bucket of garbage that I have managed to occasionally assemble into. But there's just the amount of trash everywhere. I remember asking.
I don't think I've heard people say, This is surprising to me. I like it. It's new. I remember asking after we got married, before I had my youngest son. I remember asking another couple who had a son, and I was like, So, what do you, like, how do you manage the trash that's everywhere?
And they were like, I don't think we've hit that face yet.
Okay, all right, cool, cool, cool. That's so funny. What about you, Gwen? I would say what surprised me, I, you know, when you have kids, your children's age, and, you know, especially when they come home and they're all snuggling, you can't wait till they start walking or you can't wait till they start talking. You know, you look at all of those things and you can't wait for them to get there because you want them to become independent.
And then, as I've gone through all of those phases and seeing my kids, you know, grow up, it's like, okay, now they don't need me as much, but they really do, maybe not in the same way, but uh, They really do. And I want it always to have an open door for my kids to be.
Now, sometimes it's like, okay, not to stay. We open it. You know, you come visit. And there's a semi-open. Yeah.
There have been a few times when you open it and you see these bags and stuff. And it's just like, how long? But to be there. And someone once said, your kids may leave your home, but they never leave your heart. That's kind of another thing that is very true because just because they're adults, it doesn't mean that, okay, you just let them be.
But they still have adult problems and you still carry that as a mom. Oh, for sure. What about you, Maria? I went into it thinking, oh, I'm going to be great at this because I had so much experience under my belt with kids. I had been babysitting since I was 12.
I had stayed with families that we knew and helped them after they had new babies. And so I just thought. I'm ready, but just the sheer volume of work. And the weight of taking care of this child. The humans.
After Estelle was born, it was just like. It almost felt claustrophobic. Like. Because you were so old. Suddenly, I am the sole source of all sustenance for this child 'cause I'm nursing her and she's up all night.
And I don't know, it was just like the weight and pressure of their dependence on you as their mom was like crushing to me. And that sur was surprising. Yes. Man, as we celebrate 50 years of ministry, we continue to hear stories of how God is transforming families through family life. Like Andrew and Eileen, for example.
When they married, they were so full of hope. Weren't we all? But life storms came fast. A newborn family tension and strains on their marriage, and their home just felt heavy. But God wasn't finished.
Through Family Life's Weekend Remember, and Love Like You Mean It Cruise, they rediscovered Christ's design for marriage. And they were even, listen to this, able to help Andrew's parents reconcile after years of distance. Which is really what it's all about. God changes our marriage so we can impact others.
Well, here's the thing: thousands of couples are facing storms like this right now. And some are quietly hurting, some are on the brink of divorce. and some need hope to day. And I'll tell you what, this ministry is supported financially from partners like you who say, I believe in this and I want to give. And right now, every monthly donation will be matched for a full year, doubling the impact of your gift.
So we really hope and pray that you'll consider joining us. All you have to do is visit familylifetoday.com. Or call 1-800-FL today. And together, we can shape the next generation of families who walk with Christ. I think I was surprised because I thought too, I'm going to be great at this.
I went to these Bible studies with moms before I got pregnant. I'm going to make sure I'm really going to be good at it. I know all these answers, and I'm going to disciple them, and they're going to be these amazing humans. I was so overwhelmed with this colicky baby. And I was like, I am awful at this.
I am so self-centered. I have no time to myself. I remember saying to my mom and my sister, who my sister had kids, like, I don't even understand how you do this. I could go run a marathon right now and feel like I'm better. at that.
And I've never done any of that in my life. I am so bad at this. And that can be crushing too, a feeling like, and we've talked about this on the show before, but feeling like I am going to mess up these people. And so it's interesting just to think through and back to those times where. I don't know how I'm going to do this.
Well, and then another dynamic for me was the fact that we had struggled with infertility.
So I expected once I finally got this thing that I wanted so bad, and I waited for so long that it would just be like hearts and roses. But it was so hard. And I was struggling so much with postpartum depression, all things that then I felt guilty. That I that I wasn't Loving it and enjoying it as much as I thought that I should or would. Oh, and that's crushing too.
Was there anything that you felt that that was probably overwhelming? Anything you felt overwhelmed by? Yeah, I think the constancy, the it just we're gonna go to bed tonight and we're gonna wake up and we're gonna do it all again. And you might do it through the night too. Yes, yeah.
You never know. Exactly, yeah, the especially the phases that it's like, well, All right. Yeah. I've got maybe three hours. Let's see.
But yeah, I think the reality of like, and we're doing it again tomorrow and the next day. And the day after that. And there's seasons, right? We know that. But seasons that are years long.
Like, that's a lot of days to say, and it's going to look roughly the same all over again. I just, I was a little unprepared for the intensity of it, it's not clocking in for a few hours and then clocking out. That's not. What it looks like.
Well, I can remember too, sleeping in. Yeah, I love to sleep in. And I remember like our baby was six months old. I'm thinking, we'll probably have a few kids. I will never get to sleep in again the rest of my life.
But then you think, well, 18, or because you're not realizing that they can get up on their own when they're older. But I was like, I have to do this for a long time. Gwen, what about teenage years? Did that feel overwhelming to you? Oh, of course.
So, of course, my daughter is the oldest.
So, you go through the phase of girls, right? No, tell me about that. Because I didn't have any. Oh, no girls.
Well, so my two older kids, I'm going to say very strong will. Both. Both, the two older. And they pretty much have all the answers and have all the answers. And so it was never just, I need you or you do this and it's done.
And so it's a battle. It was always a battle with them. And so I don't know if it was overwhelming or just frustrating because again, generationally, it's like, I don't remember sending my mom through this. Like it was like, she said, do it. You did it.
And it was over. Right.
So that would probably just going through that with teenagers and, you know, the pushing back and you're, you know, standing on it. And then in a Christian family, that means that as they became teenagers, there were just certain things that. That we just were not gonna allow and permit and all of that. And so having to push against the culture, like well, my friends get to go and get to do and all of that. Were phones a thing at that time?
They were becoming, they were becoming. And see, she was maybe in the eighth grade when she got her first phone, and that was because Daryl was headed to pick her up from a football game. But they didn't have the internet yet. They did not have the internet. Because our kids are the same age, and so it was different.
It was different. And so the reason why we got her a phone is because he was headed to pick her up. She knew to wait at the game. His car broke down on its way there. And so he called me to come and pick him up to go, you know, on my way to go get her.
When we get there, every light is out. Oh, every single light. And it was like, why didn't you ride with somebody? Like, you know, anything. She was walking to a gas station to call us.
And I just, you know, again, you feel like a failure as a mother, but it was nothing that I could do. But she was doing what she was told. Wait for your dad and all of that.
So cell phones were not a big thing, but she did get one, but it still wasn't as much texting and social media and all of that. And so I would say just that. And like, no, we don't do that as a family. We're, you know, Christian, but it's like, but the whole world, you know, is doing whatever. It's hard.
Yeah. How have you guys, like, with your walk with Jesus? How has that changed, or what has that done to your walk with Jesus, having kids? It makes it harder for me to stay consistently spending time in God's Word. But before we got pregnant with this cell, I was already in a precepts Bible study.
Yeah. So after she came, obviously there's like a lot of time where I fell off the wagon. But I've always tried to, like, whenever I can, whenever there's space, be a part of some kind of Bible study because there's accountability to kind of motivate me to stay in the word. Yes. So, yeah, I like that.
Whether, and it's one of those things where it's like, I might not get the homework done, but at least I could read through the passage that I know they're going to be talking about. Yeah. You know, I know that when I've had young moms in our study, I'll say, just come. If your homework's not done, come anyway because you need this.
So that's what you're saying. Yeah. Just to, it gives you a motivation and accountability. Like, they might ask me a question. And it gets you out of the house when you're trying.
Captain. But how has that been? Has that impacted your parenting and just your life? The Bible studies? Yeah, just being with Jesus.
Yes, definitely. I mean, It's necessary. You d it's not optional. Yeah. I can remember, and I want you guys to like think through this, if you can relate to this.
Each one of our kids, our kids were three weeks early, six and a half weeks early, three weeks early, and every single one of them ended up in the NICU for possible head fracture. One had a temperature, another one stopped breathing right after they were born. And so with the first one, I can remember, you know, they said something's wrong with his skull. And as a mom, It was crazy to me how I'm alone. Dave had gone to get something to eat as we were in the hospital, and I'm alone in my room.
Back then, they didn't have the babies with you all the time. And I remember saying, God, where are you? Are you in this? Do you know what's going on? And I felt like I have felt this so many times in my life.
I felt like God was saying, Can you surrender this little boy to me? like isaac you know and abraham can you lay him on the altar is he mine or is he yours and that was a battle for me because you love them if they're just born and you love them and i can remember saying like i just had him like today do i already have to sacrifice him and i felt like god was saying it'll be the best thing you've ever done Then when number two came and he's six and a half weeks early and the doctor comes in, I'm like, why are you in my room? Like, why are you here again? The NIC, you doctor. He said, we just can't get his temperature up.
We're going to keep him in here. And it happened every single time with every single baby. And I felt like that not only happened when they were born, but it happened many, many, many times of surrendering them, of saying, God, they're yours. Because I want to control everything. Can any of you relate to that?
And there have been times you're all shaking your head. What does that look like? like for you? And do you think it's important for us as women to do that? I think for me, especially with the step parenting dynamic, I have a lot less control than I anticipated in motherhood.
Because you're not the bio mom. I am not. And so and he was five when we got married, and so there were already patterns established.
So the reality of Not getting to shape my home the way I anticipated. Not getting to shape. My kids the way I anticipated, not getting to decide. When things like phones and tablets and all these things show up and become a ready part of my kids' lives. I was unprepared.
For the lack of control and how challenging And how old were you when you got married? I was twenty eight.
So you're twenty eight years old and you have a five year old. Mhm.
So what did that look like then? A lot of fighting. A lot of wrestling and grasping for control at the beginning. It was a lot of. How on earth And to be fair, the other dynamics here are both my husband and my stepson have a flair for chaos.
That's just kind of who they are. That is their personalities. I am very structured, very ordered. That is more my MO. Hence the trash that's everywhere in our house.
But so at the beginning, it was a lot of grasping for control wherever I could find it. And then there were a lot of other circumstances that hit us that just eliminated any sense of possible control in those first kind of six months to. Really, three years. But at some point, probably about a year and a half in, there was a reckoning where God just. Made it really clear, you've got to let it go.
You've got to let it go. And no, it doesn't probably mean that the Holy Spirit is going to whiz through my house in the middle of the night and eliminate the construction project that's currently going on and all of the things that are stressing me out. I don't have to know what it means yet. What did those prayers sound like? A lot of, I don't know if I can do this anymore.
But you told me, I don't know what to do. This is not okay. And I don't know how to handle it. I don't like, I'm a very. capable person, generally speaking.
And that's that's how my parents raised me.
So that was that was encouraged. And so I think to your earlier question of how has it changed, how has being a mom changed your walk with the Lord? And it's been, I've never been dependent like this in my whole life. I've never looked at something in front of me and said, wow, I really can't do anything about that. It creates desperation.
There's always something I can do. And I'm looking at so many of my life circumstances and I'm like, There is nothing I can feasibly do about that.
Okay, Lord, they are yours. That's all I've got. I'm going to keep showing up. And that's about all I can bring to the table. Right now.
But that's everything. It's everything because you're kind of giving up and allowing God to come in when you're desperate. You can't do it.
So he has to. But I think one of the hardest things to do is when we have a child that's a prodigal or has turned their back on God, there is nothing that hurts more than that. And so that surrender of God, I give you my child. I give you all the things they're doing. Maybe they've gone the opposite way of faith, but Jesus, you know, them and draw them back.
So be praying like God hears those prayers. Your prayers are powerful.
Well, and the other part of surrender that I have really wrestled with in the last few years. Is do I really believe that God is good? Because I can't surrender my child to him. I've really wrestled with, okay, so you don't promise me that if I surrender him to you, you'll keep him safe, like physically safe. Like, you don't promise that.
Yeah. You don't promise. All these things that I would really like you to promise as a prerequisite for me to surrender to you.
So it's been a big part of my journey: really wrestling that. Not just like, I know you're good, you're supposed to be good, I believe that you're good, but God, I need you to show me in your word. Like, I need to know it. That's good.
Well, that was really fun just to have moms of all different phases of life, different kinds of parenting. And so we're going to be back tomorrow again with that same panel and those incredible women. And if you want some tips or parenting help, you can go to familylife.com/slash parenting help. And we'll see you tomorrow. Family Life Today is a donor-supported production of Family Life, a crew ministry.
Celebrating fifty years of God's faithfulness as marriages grow stronger and families flourish in Him. Mm.
