Next year marks 50 years of ministry for Focus on the Family, encouraging families and helping them thrive in Christ every day. How has God used Focus on the Family to strengthen your marriage, guide you in your parenting, restore a relationship, or bring hope in a difficult season? We want to hear your story. Call now and share how Focus on the Family has made an impact in your life. You'll find the details and the link in the show notes.
If they don't know what's happening, if they don't understand what they're doing or what's going to go on next or whatever's going on, if they're confused, oftentimes it comes out in resistance. That's Eliza Huey, and she's with us today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller, and thanks for joining us. Think of this moment in the grocery store where you're a four-year-old is standing there and these grocery store marketing people have put all the best candy right at checkout. And my wife Jean had this experience with Trent where he wanted that candy bar.
And he wanted it badly. And to the point where he was throwing the temper tantrum. And unfortunately, I wasn't there, but a military guy in uniform came over and said, son, you listen to your mother. And it just like, you know, you just like, sir, yes, sir. And what a great example of that command and control.
But we want to talk to you today about how to help your children emotionally regulate and to get control of their wee little disappointments in life that can spiral into full-on, you know. Bad things. Yeah. And our guest has done a great job capturing how to help your children get through those emotional moments. Yeah, a lot of simple, grace-filled ideas here that are probably a little hard to practice sometimes.
But Eliza Huey knows how to put this into action, and she has spent years helping parents navigate emotional health with their kids. She offers biblical wisdom and really practical grace. She's a licensed clinical professional counselor and the director of counseling at McLean Bible Church in the Washington, D.C. area, and teaches counseling at the college level. She also hosts a podcast.
Today, she's sharing insights from a delightful children's book she's written called Count Yourself Calm: Five Simple Steps. Taking big feelings to a big God. And you can learn more about Eliza and this resource at our website. Welcome. It's good to have you.
Okay, this is a great little thing, this book, Count Yourself Calm. And I guess the first thing is, why as a counselor did you think this needed to be written? Great question.
So I love that because I do see families. I do see little kids. I do see out of control kids. There are parents who are really feeling overwhelmed by their kids' overwhelm. And there's a lot of secular things out there for parents, which is great and they can be very helpful.
But what I found was like parents wanted something that aligned with what they are trying to instill in their kids as far as their faith goes. And so I wanted to take some of those emotion regulation tools that I've learned as a counselor and pair them with the truth of God's word and bring those two together in a way that's actually not just a helping them be calm, but helping them know who God is in the midst of their dysregulation. You know, Gina. And I did foster care for quite a while. I think we, over about a 12-year period, we probably had 15 children that came through our home.
We had a couple of long. Time foster placements with us. But some of them came with required, state-required counseling, so we would have to go with the children and participate in that. I remember one counselor talking about the lizard brain and the adult brain. And children have what they would refer to in counseling as the lizard brain.
You're kind of just reacting out of really very. Fundamental needs. Yeah. Even like the checkout that I was describing at the grocery store. They see candy, they want candy.
I cry until I get candy. Right. Talk about the mechanism of what's going on there and, you know, the right kind of biblical approach to how we're training our children up in the way they should go. Right. I think part of this, too, is what you're kind of leaning into: you have to know where your child is.
Because I think sometimes we can fall into the thinking that our kids are just little tiny people. And yes, they are, but they're also very early in their brain development as well. And so you're kind of talking about that with the lizard brain. I think Dan Siegel has a model, which I think is very helpful for parents, where that lizard brain is really kind of talking about the amygdala, which is the emotion center of the brain, which is what mom and dad you're seeing in that checkstand. You're seeing that emotion center be the biggest thing that's being reactive in the moment.
And so we want to help parents understand. That when you are talking with your kids, you're talking to that emotion center of the brain.
So, in that regard, you know, one of the things that you notice, again, I'll just use the grocery store thing, is a mom or a dad that's kind of out of control themselves. Yeah. You know, they're not using their adult brain. They're down there in the fight with the child. They're like both in the sandbox.
And so, what do parents need to realize to get above the fray, not be so emotional? Yeah. Not simply be a sibling of the child, but to be the parent of the child. Good, good. I think one of the key things that parents can really embrace that is going to help those moments is the idea of co-regulation.
Because my guess is in that moment, if your wife is anything like me, I'm starting to feel the emotions. I'm starting to feel overwhelmed. I'm starting to feel embarrassed. Yeah, exactly. And so we begin to react in that amygdala as well.
And so we're reacting with our high emotions to their high emotions.
So the key thing that parents can really Learn that will help is co-regulation.
So, I'm going to regulate myself. I'm going to bring down my intensity so that I share it with you.
So, taking that deep breath, and really, you know, I've actually had parents read this book and say, Okay, I needed this book for me first before I need it for my kids, which is beautiful. You co-regulate by taking your own emotions to the Lord, breathing, taking into consideration what do I need so that I can give that and share that with my child. And it's so important. As and I, you know, we're talking about things that are out of control that you see in public, yeah. But I've tried to train my mind to watch things too that are being well done.
I've seen parents, I mean. In the last month, probably three or four times, you know, in a hotel lobby, in a restaurant, where young parents are doing a pretty good job saying, honey, let me understand what you're feeling. Let me, you know, I see you, I hear you, let's calm down. I mean, really good. Speak to that ability as a parent then to help regulate a child's emotional moment and get them into a better place.
Yeah. It's really a shift that's happening with parents. And I'm so encouraged by it as well that what you're seeing, Jim, I'm seeing as well. And it's a shift from like, let me give you an example.
So like maybe in our years of parenting, a child is upset about something and you're trying to connect with them and you say, look at me. Look at me. That's what we would say, right? where I now see the reframing as, show me your eyes. And there's just such a difference between the child because what you're doing in the moment before when you're saying, look at me, is you're commanding them and you're seeking to control.
Well, when you have a situation where a child is completely responding in their emotion part of their brain, they're out of control. Yes. And so for you to get into that, I need to control you becomes a power struggle. Whereas if you were to say, show mommy your eyes, show daddy your eyes, all of a sudden I'm inviting you in to do something with me. I want to see something.
And it just kind of lowers the emotional sensitivity in that moment. I like that. Then you can move to show me your heart. What are you thinking? Yeah.
And when they show you your eyes, then you're connecting with them. And it's said a lot. You want to connect before you correct. And in order to connect, you need to be able to understand what are they emotionally feeling. When you say connect, I mean in many ways you're using the word.
Empathy. Yeah. The importance of empathy and why a child needs to feel that you're empathetic.
Now, this is without spoiling the child. These are all balancing things, right? What does it look like to show empathy to a four-year-old who's out of control? Yeah, and I think that's an important part that you're saying. Like, we don't want to just give in to every whim because there are some emotions that actually need to not be expressed so fully.
And unacceptable. And yes, and that are hurtful to others. And so being able to recognize, I think one thing that I've kind of understood is that uncomfortable, being uncomfortable does not necessarily equal being unsafe. But sometimes what you're experiencing in your child is unsafe.
So as parents, we need to understand the difference. Is this just the child is uncomfortable or are they unsafe? If they're unsafe, then I need to move in with a little bit more parental authority. If they are uncomfortable, it becomes a moment for me to understand what it's like. And that's what you're speaking to, is that empathy.
I want to know what it's like for you. Yeah. That's good. Your grandson has a coping mechanism. I'm sure grandma's.
What's your grandma's name? I need to know.
Well, I wanted to go very traditional and just go with grandma, and that is what I went with. But he calls me gum gum and still calls me gum gum.
So worrying. Yeah, that really works. But what's his little method? Yeah, so this was such a sweet thing to see. I was able to kind of witness this, and I would love to be able to take credit for this, but I do think my kids are doing such a great job, probably from resources like you have here.
My grandson, like many. Two and a half year olds was having a moment where he was feeling very upset that he couldn't go outside at the moment that he wanted to go outside. And I loved watching my son. He got down to his level and he said, We're going to take a breath. We're going to take a breath together.
And so he modeled it. And I think that's what's so important is for parents to do it with them. Don't just say, take a deep breath, but get down at their level and breathe with them. And in a sense, you're sharing that regulation. That's that co-regulation.
And then he told him, he's like, I'm going to give you a big hug and we're going to breathe one more time together. And so he knew what was coming, gave him that hug, and he breathed with him and he just calmed right down. And it was such a great moment.
Now, he still was a little bit upset that he didn't get to go out then, but he wasn't overwhelmed. Yeah. I think young moms and dads, you know, again, as I've observed, many, not all, obviously, but many are doing a good job. They're far more intentional than perhaps their parents were. And, you know, generationally, I think that's a healthy move.
And, uh, you know, I think it's good. That self-regulating habit, as you described, it's not something you can just say once and be done. And I think this is where a lot of us as parents, this would have been one of my you know, soft spots that I didn't really do as well as I could have. You know, I was kind of like, I've already told you this three times. Yeah.
Did you just get it now? But I never said that, but that's how I was acting. But you do need to set Patterns in your children's lives that help them like that. Yeah. So, how do you brace for the long haul?
You know, it's like please and thank you. Did you have that experience where you said please and thank you 10,000 times? And then, like, at age 11, you hear it for the first time when they automatically said thank you. And you went, Emma! They got it.
Yeah, there were 10,000 times you trained them to say please and thank you.
So, how do you apply that kind of. Repeat. To your child so that they catch it. Yeah, I think that's just exactly what you're talking about. We repeat certain things, we repeat certain words, like you said, please and thank you.
Manners, we repeat hygiene practices with our kids, right? Time to shower. Exactly. Brush your teeth, wash your hands. We repeat it every single time.
They go to the bathroom, you come out. What do we ask? Did you wash your hands? Go back and wash your hands.
So we're on that mindset with things that like our physical health or even our relational health, please and thank you. How about our emotional health? I think sometimes we are okay with our kids having the vocabulary of just like three or four words for emotions. We're either happy, we're sad, we're angry, or we're bored, something like that. My parenting journey.
So I, you know, I didn't realize you could buy charts that have those faces. You sure can. I drew them every time. How are you feeling? And I'd put like nine faces up and they'd pick one.
Yes, fantastic. And there's one in the back of the book that goes along with the book.
So this just pairs so nicely, but we want to express. Our children's vocabulary with emotions.
Now, some hearing are going, okay, that's all good, but where's the spiritual content? You know, it's great that your kids can express their feelings, they can breathe deeply when they're in trouble. But you are really doing a good job in here to talk about the spiritual component of all this, too.
So, what does God's word say about? Yeah, yeah.
So, one of the things, like I mentioned, there's a lot of tools in the secular world, in the clinical world, so many for children on regulation and help for parents. But I brought in the scripture because we're always trying to bring in where we can bring God's word into our everyday lives with our kids. And so, one of the things that I do is just even as you're taking that deep breath, pairing that breath with scripture. God help me, know that you're here. Taking a deep breath in, God, help me as you breathe in.
That's good, I like that. Know that you're here or know that you're with me. And there's various places in the books where I pair even the five steps that we talk about. That's just what the clinical world would call. Call a regulating skill, noticing five different things.
But what if we notice five things that God gives us? What about five things in creation that make us feel calm? And helping your kids point those things out, connecting it with the Lord. And a moment ago, you mentioned about the importance, Eliza, of putting words to these feelings. To what end?
I mean, okay, so my child is still throwing a temper tantrum, and they're at least able to say, I'm feeling really frustrated, but how do I attach the name of the emotion to moving forward? Yeah, well, I think that's a great question because when we name what they're feeling, there's a little slogan out there in the counseling world: when you name it, you can tame it. And I think that's a big help. But I also think it helps us as parents to not wrongly miss what they're actually feeling. And I think that comes up in all ages of kids, where you might see what you think is.
Anger and it comes out as anger, but there's actually something deeper. And this is the same for adults, right? I might express what I'm feeling in anger, but what I'm really feeling is I'm afraid in that moment, or I'm unsure. And that's especially true for kids. If they don't know what's happening, if they don't understand what they're doing or what's going to go on next or, you know, whatever's going on, if they're confused, oftentimes it comes out in resistance.
Or, yeah.
So it helps us to not miss.
Well, and again, that's using the adult brain to understand the circumstance that the child's in, what's underneath the emotion they're expressing. That's a great place to start in your marriage. Let me tell you. That's really good. You know, okay, what's this trigger doing?
Why are we in this thing together? What did I say that got you here? But that's true with the kids, too. Especially true because they don't have all the tools. Developed yet to really understand why they're reacting.
You do these things with your kids. And you're going to do them in your marriage and in your adult relationships as well. When you begin to say, okay, I don't know exactly what they're feeling. Let's kind of explore that together. You once knew a little girl, and her story was her house burned down.
What happened in that situation? Yeah, so she... obviously experienced something very traumatic. And yes, praise God, everybody was okay. But then moving away from that, like they were able to get into new housing and get things more stable, she was struggling going to sleep because the fire happened at night.
And so the fear was, if I go to sleep, how do I know that there's not going to be a fire? And that makes sense, right? In some ways, it does make sense. But the fear began to be so big that she began to have a lot of anxiety at night. And so her parents actually used this book.
I just so loved, they wrote the story to me and shared it to me, how they used the five steps as prayers each night. And it began to help her calm down in the evenings when she was feeling that tension because it reoriented. Her thinking. It pulled her thinking away from the anxiety, away from the fears, and onto God and onto His peace and His promises. You know, as parents today, especially young children, there's so much anxiety going on for all kinds of reasons: social media, school, pressures, performance, all the things that we need as parents to be in tune with how do we talk to our children age-appropriately about what they're experiencing.
And in the book, he introduced these five simple steps to calm. Yeah. And how does that routine help children move from that panic mode? And feeling overwhelmed to peace, God's shalom, which is awesome. Right, right.
Well, it's so interesting because a lot of the things that we're talking about are things that we do, but we see them in kids and we're like, we got to fix this. But we kind of live in that space sometimes. But I think what we're getting at with this practice is helping kids begin to see, like, you have so focused on one thing, the fear of your house burning or the fear of, you know, whatever it is, that's something going on at school, or whatever's upsetting them. You've so focused on the candy bar that you've lost what else is true. And so beginning to help them see, and what else is true is really important.
It's something that they can actually pull out when they're asked. But if you don't begin to kind of like say there's other things that we can think about, they so narrow on that one upsetting situation.
So we're really just kind of expanding.
Okay, yes, this happened. And what else is true?
So one of the mechanisms you describe is counting. To calm. What does that look like? Yeah, so it's taken from a, like I mentioned, a regulation skill that we use, which is, you know, the skill is actually like five things that you see and you name those five things, four things you hear, and you name those four things, and you go through the senses. And what you're doing is you're giving your brain a little bit of a break because it takes maybe to read this book, maybe it takes 10, 15 minutes to read this book, but it gives your brain a break from thinking about that anxiety.
And we don't want to just give your brain a break. We want to actually give your brain new ways of thinking. And so, what it does is as you walk your child through each one of the five things, five things that God has given you that you see in creation that gives you peace, or four things that makes you feel joy, you're beginning to pull your child away from that anxiety and onto the truth of who God is. Yeah, there's a proactive element, Eliza, to what you've addressed here, and that is try to get ahead of your child.
Now We had a house full of kids, and I was always playing catch-up. I was that command and control person for a while because I just, there's too much. But for any parent listening, first, is it too late to try to get ahead of it? And then, second, what are some practical ways to do that? Yeah, it is never too late.
In fact, I would say if your child is a little bit older, I've had teenagers reach out to me and say, My mom got this book for my seven-year-old sibling, but I love it. And so, this book is helpful in that sense. But what it really is speaking to, it's less about the book, it's about the desire to be able to understand how do I better understand my emotions and control them. And I want to say, Control them isn't really the word I want to use. It's regulate them.
We want to bring them back to a place of, I can cope, I can have this emotion, and I can cope. Because that's really what we're trying to Give to our children.
Well, what I will tell you, and you're asking for practical ways, you cannot give what you do not have. And so, moms and dads, it's really important for you to be able to have an expanded vocabulary.
So, I had somebody, I was doing marriage counseling, and I was talking to them about emotions. The husband pulled out his wallet and he pulled out this little tiny card. He said, I found an emotions wheel and I shrunk it down and I laminated it and I put it in my wallet because he is realizing I need to learn that there's more emotions between happy and angry. There's a whole lot of other things going on.
So, moms and dads grow in your emotional vocabulary. Moms and dads model how you're regulating.
So, one simple way, this is a real practical step, one simple way to model that is to narrate. Your own emotional process.
So when you're in traffic and you're feeling overwhelmed and somebody does something that makes you angry, Narrate it. I'm feeling really overwhelmed right now. That person, their response kind of triggered me to be angry. I don't want to be angry. I'm going to breathe.
And your kids are hearing they're hearing it. And they're watching you experience something hard and regulate. And then even bringing in, Lord, help me to have a right response right now. You're modeling as you narrate what you're doing. No, I really like that.
I think probably one of the biggest mistakes I made in my parenting was kind of having that mindset of formula, and it was deeply rooted in fear.
So I parented a lot out of fear. If I do this, will they do that? If I don't do this, then they're probably going to do this. You know, and there's a lot of fear that can come up. If I don't correct that, then the fear is they're going to do, they're going to end up in jail before I know it.
I had my kids in jail. Yeah. And I think the key is to get away from that formula, get away from that fear and say, okay, Lord, I need faith. I need to trust you that this is going to be a practice. There's going to be successes and failures in my parenting.
But I'm going to have, I'm going to parent out of faith, not formula. As a counselor, especially intervening with families that are coming to you, mom and dad are coming with their teen child. What are the patterns that you see there for the parents that have really created And it's hard for us to see as the parent, but that we have participated in creating in this child dependencies that are unhealthy. I'll give you two that come to mind. The first one is we React.
To every situation.
So we're just reacting. Instead of, like you mentioned, being more intentional, how you're seeing parents be very intentional, that's what we really want to be: is okay, what do I want to, how do I wanna respond? How do I wanna move into this rather than just react?
So that's one that we kind of need to say, okay, I need to stop just reacting. But the other thing, and this is true of parents of every age and stage, but especially what you're sharing, like, okay, I'm at this point, I maybe made some mistakes, how do I? I would encourage you to not make every situation a teaching moment. It feels like we should, but instead, listen and be curious. Be curious about their emotions, like we're talking about today.
Be curious about what they're thinking, especially if you have a kid who doesn't have big emotional vocabulary. Then don't say, What are you feeling? Because they're going to be like, I don't know. Instead, what are you thinking? Or what thoughts went through your mind when that happened to you?
So get curious and ask those questions rather than teach the lesson. I think that's so good. And I think the other thing in my parenting experience is not every Mountain is a mountain.
Some mountains are molehills, and they're not worth the fight. Oh, moms and ladies. Let the small things pass and constantly. As your kids are grown, you're like zoom over things. Yeah, you're going, man, I'd be a really good parent the second time if I could just do this over again.
But Liza, this has been so good. And what a simple concept. Count Yourself Calm. Great book. Age range for this target is.
Yeah, it's really written for four to seven year olds. But like I said, I've had a lot of older kids and moms and dads say, thank you for writing this. Yeah, and you've given us some great tips to incorporate as parents.
So thank you for being with us. It was a pleasure. Yeah. And let me turn to the listener. I hope you know Focus on the Family is here for you.
As we've said, every child will experience moments of fear, frustration, overwhelm, sugar, anger. But you know what? Honestly, with your love, God's truth, and a little bit of practice and encouragement, they can learn healthy ways to navigate those. Big emotions. And one helpful resource we'd love to share with you is our seven traits of effective parenting assessment.
That's been online for a number of years. Hundreds of thousands of parents have taken it. And it takes about 10 minutes and it'll show you some strengths and weaknesses in how you're doing your parenting role.
So it's very effective and very helpful. We also have Eliza's great book, Count Yourself Calm: Taking Big Feelings to a Big God. And it's filled with great, simple, biblically based help for you as a parent. And if you can make a gift of any amount, jump in and join us in the ministry. We'll send the book to you as our way saying thank you for that gift.
Let me share with you what that donation helps to create. We got a note from David who wrote in to tell us this: I'm so thankful for focus on the family and the encouragement you've given me over the years.
So much of what I've learned about parenting has come through your broadcasts and resources helping me. Become the kind of parent I want to be. Man, that is so rewarding. He went on to say, thank you for faithfully being there for those of us who need biblical wisdom, practical help, and a listening ear. That is really encouraging to hear.
It's what makes our heart leap, gives us joy to know that we're on target. And, you know, we've been at it for 50 years. We're going to be celebrating our 50th anniversary here in 2027. And man, that is the fruit of what we want to see.
So thank you. And I want to ask you if you have a testimony of where focus has helped you. Get in touch with us. Leave us a note. Drop us a line.
You can go to the website. I think there's something there, Joe. We've got a spot there where you can tell us your story, and we'd love to hear from you. That is fuel that goes so far for the donor community as well as the staff and the team here.
So do that. That really helps us. Yeah, reach out today, take that parenting assessment, donate, and get your copy of Count Yourself Calm and leave us a note. Our number is 800, the letter A and the word family, and all those resources are available in the show notes. And coming up next time, feeling God's call to become a foster care or adoptive parent.
So I fixed up my rooms and started the classes and every night I would just go and Kneel over the beds because I knew that whoever would be in those beds needed the prayers the most at that time. You know, because it's amazing. We I would just pray and pray that whoever would show up on my doorstep. Thanks for listening today to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time as we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ.
Next year marks 50 years of ministry for Focus on the Family, encouraging families and helping them thrive in Christ every day. How has God used Focus on the Family to strengthen your marriage, guide you in your parenting, restore a relationship, or bring hope in a difficult season? We want to hear your story. Call now and share how Focus on the Family has made an impact in your life. You'll find the details and the link in the show notes.
