Live your truth. A lot of people say that, don't they? But truth isn't something we decide. God has decided it for us, and it's our job as believers to share his truth with a world in need. I'll encourage you to do that through my podcast, Refocus with Jim Daly.
I visit with fascinating guests about important topics like gender confusion, cancel culture, and more, while helping you share God's love with others. Listen at refocus with JimDaily.com. My mom looks in the mirror and tells herself out loud every day how ugly and fat she is. And she's in tears, and she's like, I think my mom's beautiful, and I look just like her. That's Dana Gresh, and she joins us today on Focus on the Family with Jim Bailey, sharing how you, as a mom, can help your daughter grow in confidence, faith, and emotional strength.
I'm John Fuller, and welcome to the show. Here's a neon sign. Us parents, we want, I know grammatically that's incorrect, but we want the same thing. We want... certainly a great marriage, as good as it can be, and we want to raise our kids to be as healthy as they can be, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically.
And that is universal. I sat in Kenya with a PhD in child development, Dr. Lillian Wahomi, and I said, Lillian, what we have to share around the world at Focus on the Family, will it be relevant? Here in Africa, will it be relevant? And she smiled and looked at me and said, it's just like an American to think you invented the family, which is a great line.
And she went on to say, that is the universal language. Everybody around the world wants those things. And it is so true. But guess what? You have to be mindful about it.
You got to know as a parent, how do we shape this child's heart and spirit and, you know, desires? It's a good job to have, but it's demanding and you need to be intentional about it.
Sometimes we wonder, am I doing enough? Am I doing the right things? And guess what? We are going to make mistakes. How many of us as parents want the do-over?
I know that was me, but today we want to talk with our guest, Dana Gresh, about how to do it wisely between moms and daughters. Yeah, Dana's got some great insights, and she's the founder of True Girl. She's a popular speaker and podcast host and a best-selling author of a number of books. And we're talking today about one of those called Eight Great Dates for Moms and Daughters, how to talk about cool fashion, true beauty, and dignity. Dana, welcome back.
It's great to have you at Focus on the Family.
Well, thanks for having me again. Yeah, now you're talking, of course, to literally millions. But here's John and I sitting here talking to you about the bond between moms and daughters. But let me ask you that. There is something special.
You know, I feel some ways for Gene, my wife, we have two sons. We didn't have a daughter. And I think she really missed that. She didn't have that experience. She loves our boys and she loves being a mom of boys.
But, you know, for the moms that didn't have a girl, that's going to be, and for dads too. You know, it's just a. A whole that we're not going to experience that. Speak to that special bond between a mom and a daughter, and what's going on there? It's, I don't know what's going on there.
I remember when my first, I have one by birth and one by adoption. And when that first one came by birth, I remember distinctly thinking, I just gave birth to my best friend. Oh, wow. Wow. I didn't think that when my son was born.
Huh. And. Fast forward, now my girls and my daughter in love, who I call the wife of my son, there's three of them, and we get together once a month for discipleship. I just ask, How can I pray for you? and their hearts just gush with everything.
Oh, that's sweet. And I pray over them and just keep Tabs, but you know, I was having a really bad day on my last birthday, just a no-good, very bad day. and one of my girls picked me up, took me to coffee. And just loved on me. Oh, that's beautiful.
Gave me a note that said. It was that one I gave birth to. You are my best friend in the whole world. I don't know. But also, if you saw snapshots of it, you would be like, they don't like each other.
So it's a complicated relationship. Yeah. And it's good to have someone mentoring you and guiding you how to do it well. Yeah. You know, in that regard, some of the principles that you mention in Eight Great Dates for Moms and Daughters is.
Full attention. Yeah. John and I, I remember you're talking to two guys here. Really? That would freak me out.
Full attention? But it's important for your daughter to feel as a mom that she's got your attention. How did you learn that? Or were there some things that you had to change to give your full attention?
Well, I learned it ministering to these moms and daughters. And I didn't learn it from my own mothering, even though I needed to. What happened was, I started interviewing girls. I'm kind of a research geek. I like sociology, I like.
Learning from psychology, I think psychology is very helpful in helping us diagnose things, not always the End remedy because that's Jesus. But so I do a lot of focus groups and surveys and I As I was informally researching teenagers or doing focus groups with teens, I was like, What do you need from your mom? They're like, Well, Her attention. Like She sits down and looks her friends in the eyes when she's talking to them, but when she's talking to me, she's taking out the trash. She's emptying the dishwasher.
She's, and it was like. my heart was arrested because this was a girl who thought I was the perfect mom because I was like asking her questions about her and her mom's relationship. And I'm looking at my relationship with my daughter, guilty as can be. of the same thing. And I realized I need to just push reset.
I love, I tell moms all the time: push the reset button. Yeah. Mom guilt is such a tool of the enemy. But push the reset button. Do you need to like really sit down and totally look her in the eye?
That's what one teenage girl called it. Really, like, totally sit down and look me in the eye. And if you do, Make A date to do that. Even if it might be once a week, it might be once a month. Because the reality is there will be dishes to put away and there will be trash to take out and there will be laundry to fold.
Let me ask you this, because I'm thinking of Jean. She's very efficient that way. And I think she would say, just when we're talking, like she'll be scurrying around the kitchen and doing exactly that. It would be efficiency for her. She can be totally plugged in and hearing me, and I'm sitting in my oversized, needing-to-be-replaced chair.
It's losing stuffing. I love this thing. Jean's like, we've got to get a new chair. But, you know, but she's in that zone of I've got a lot to do. I've got a list in my head.
I've got to get some things done. And I'll be listening to you.
So, you know, for that mom, what is it communicating to the daughter to be able to stop? Is communicating love? It's saying you matter. And there's probably no more important thing to tell our children, boys or girls. We are the first encounter with the love of God that they will ever have.
You know, in a healthy family, we are the first encounter with the love of God. And you know what? That really matters when they sin more than when they're behaving like angels. Again, survey. I love surveys.
When I wrote Lies, Girls Believe, I surveyed 1,500 7 to 12-year-old girls. Wow. One of the questions I asked, these are church-going girls. Do you know God loves you? And of course they did.
98%, 99% of them were so sure. That's higher than I thought it was. I am loved by God. In follow-up conversations, we asked them about sin. And then we revisited that question.
And they felt a lot less loved by God when we talked about their sin. And don't we all? Absolutely. Don't we all struggle with that our whole life? We think that God is distant.
I've described that feeling of separation, which is very theological and biblical and real. Sin separates us from God. like bad Wi-Fi. It's not that the signal's not out there. I just can't reach the love of God.
I can't feel the love of God. I can't hear the voice of God.
So I think it's really important that. We're attentive to our kids and loving them when they sin. The Word of God says. That God loved us in that while we were yet sinners. Christ died for us.
He didn't have to put it that way in the word, but he did because he knew we were going to lose that connection. Yeah, it's a good analogy. You know, the other thing, again, this applies to all of us as parents, but. Specifically between mom and daughter, that ability to Guide. without sounding like The old Charlie Brown thing, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, and that's all they hear when you're giving them.
Yeah, so how do you do that in a way that your daughter can actually be engaged and listen and respond and be who she is and how God created her? And listening to the guidance that you, as mom, want to provide. That's an art. Yeah. So there's certainly those moments where you're trying to get out the door to church, and I don't know why church is so hard to get out the door until it's kind of an irony, isn't it?
It goes crazy that you have to be directive. But whenever there's the space and the time, rather than being directive, you should be inquisitive. And Dana, girls can especially be prone to all these lies in the culture. And so I can see myself as the dad, and I would guess moms feel the same thing of responding back kind of. blindly and kind of textbooky.
I don't feel like I look good, or I don't measure up, I'm not part of the you know, the right crowd at school. Oh, honey, you're fine, you're whatever.
So how can a mom avoid those kind of pat answers and hear what's going on and and address what's really under the surface. Yeah. Grand questions, not to beat a dead horse, but why are you feeling that way? Why do you feel ugly? Why do you feel like you don't measure up?
And start to get to the bottom of The pit of the lies. A lot of times, I've always said this: emotions are good. They're good tools of God. He created them, right? And after he finished creating everything, he looked at the world and he said, it is good.
And then, after he created us, he said it is very good.
So, everything about us is good, including all of our emotions. That includes Grief. Sadness. the emotions we don't like that much, stress. But our emotions are also, they're meant to be messengers.
They come and they tell us something. And then you respond to it. For example, a girl is saying, I just feel really insecure when I show up at school or unattractive. Maybe it's 'cause she's. Rushing through her day and not brushing her teeth before she heads out the door, not brushing her hair, and like there's actually something practical you can do so that she walks out the door feeling a little more prepared for the day, right?
Then that emotion goes away. But if it doesn't and it's there and we don't know why, or it's what I call a sticky emotion, it's just stuck to her like glue. That's when you can say, is there a lie here that she might be believing? And when it comes to her beauty and body image, the lies are so prevalent. I'm so grateful.
I was a teenager during the kind of era of the supermodels. There were like 20 perfect women on planet Earth that I had to compare myself to.
Okay. Our girls today are coming of age. In a filtered world where they have to compare themselves to everybody's untruthful version of themselves. That's going to create lies in their little hearts. Yeah.
You know, many girls feel the pressure to maybe live a dual life, if I could say it that way. Yeah. And again, boys do as well. I'm not saying that, but we're concentrating on moms and daughters. How does a mom I guess, how does she first surface that and then talk about it and create an environment?
This is probably the way to eliminate it, is create an environment where your daughter can be honest with you.
Well, so way back in the 2000s, I think 2007, 2008, I was doing research for lies young women believe, which is for teens. And one of the big lies they believed, and they verbalized this. was it's okay to be one person at school and a different person at home. It's okay to be one person at church and a different person in my neighborhood. And they the lit the girls were literally, the teeny girls were actually saying, I don't think this is okay.
But I believe it and I'm doing it. The Bible calls that being double-minded. And the Bible says a double-minded person is unstable in all their ways.
Now, fast forward to today. The Internet And social media has dramatically put that desire to be a different person on steroids. They're showing up on social media. It's not even a close version of who they are sometimes. And It does make them unstable.
So if you see that or sense that in your daughter, it's really an important thing to address. And to just sit her down and say, you know, I've I saw this.
Social media post. I don't know that girl. Can you tell me a little bit? about what Made you. want to present yourself like that.
And again, you start with the questions. And I'm not saying that you don't at some point, if what she's posting is dangerous for her or really creating some Cognitive dissonance in her heart, and you're seeing that, you might have to discipline. You might have to say, Let's take, you know, let's take social media away for a while, let's take the phone away for a while, but as much as possible, lead her to an understanding of how destabilizing it is to live as two different people. Yeah, I mean, the practical application of that, it sounds right, and it's so hard to do for some parents. I mean, you know, It's a draconian measure.
You know, you're, I can hear the mom and taking the phone away. Yeah, the mom and dad chat. You sure I'm going to do that? And of course, she's going to go through the roof. Yeah.
But those are good things to consider, right? Yeah. And good things to do. And let me talk to you, you know, as dads. There's nothing like the power of a dad.
to say You're beautiful. That's good. You're you look adorable today. You go out there, girl, and you just show up in this world because you look fantastic. That means so much, but We also have to get down to the bottom of, she has to feel that value innately in herself, not in how her hair looks.
Not in but if there's a lie there, we got to address it. Yeah, that's good. How did your mom help you with that idea of body positivity? I mean Oh, my mom. First of all, World's best mom.
Literally, there's an award with her name on it. It says World's Best Mom. She was so good at asking the questions. And she was so good at, I think, not making it all about my external beauty, but also about my internal worth. You know, that's the mistake we make in trying to address The body image issues is we try to make them feel good about their outside.
That never really fixes it, and that's deteriorating.
So, what we have to do is fix the inside. My mom was great at saying, You showed up in strength today. You showed up. I was proud of how you showed up with courage today. She complimented the inside stuff.
And, you know, 1 Peter 3, 3, and 4 says, don't be obsessed with, this is the Dana paraphrase, with the outward beauty of, you know, beautiful hairstyle, jewelry, and fine clothes. But instead, be concerned with the inner beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.
So when we say to our daughters, you showed up with gentleness today, you showed up with helpfulness today. Believe it or not, that goes a really long way in fighting these body image issues. And I think that's one of the things my mom, I just heard her say over and over again, complimenting. The internal qualities of beauty that she saw God cultivating in my life. Aaron Ross Powell, I think, you know, one of the difficulties, again, just in parenting in general, is we forget.
The positive attributes. You know, we're concentrating on the C. what happened? I thought you were going to get an A. I mean, and you can filter that down to everything.
Probably a mom and a daughter. It could be a couple of things that I'd love your response to. One is a mom who Is saying the right things, but is In her own actions, showing anxiety about her body image, etc.
So the daughter's going to pick up on that. You know, what you do is more powerful than what you say.
So she's going to learn from mom that she's worried about her looks or something. That's part of it. And then the other part is: how does a mom effectively? again helped put that daughter at ease. Yeah, there's incredible research that what a mom says when she sees herself in the mirror is what a daughter believes when she sees herself in the mirror.
And the first time I heard this wasn't from research or anything, it was from a teenage girl who was gorgeous. And She said, My mom's on a diet, and I got to tell you the diet because this is so crazy. She was on a hot dog and ice cream diet to lose weight. Yes, I don't know. Apparently, this mom thought that if only that is not health advice from Focus, no, no, we are not endorsing this.
But this mom had tried diet after diet, fad after fad, and this teenage girl said, My mom looks in the mirror and tells. herself out loud every day, how ugly and fat she is. And she's in tears and she's like, I think my mom's beautiful and I look just like her.
So what does this say about me? Like she was this is was a very verbal and mentally aware fifteen year old girl I was talking to. Because most girls wouldn't be able to verbalize that. That was the first time I heard it. And then research really does indicate that, that's true.
So your moms Your daughters need you to hear you say, instead of when you get back from a run, how bad you feel about your body, they need you to hear you say, man, my legs were strong and fast today. That felt good, yeah. And when you look in the mirror, they don't need. To see you make faces at yourself. They need to see you affirming what God has created in you.
You are a masterpiece created by God. That's what Ephesians says about us in 2:10. Ephesians 2:10. You are a masterpiece created by God. That word masterpiece is the word poema.
And it basically is The name in that time used for an artist's highest work, their opus, if you will.
So that's what we are to God. Look at how beautiful this world is. Sunsets and northern lights. My husband is so tired of my obsession with chasing the northern lights. We are obsessed with the beauty God's created, and yet all of that pales in comparison to his poema, his masterpiece, which is us.
We have to plant that truth in our daughters. And the best way we plant that. is by believing it about ourselves. This truth is better caught than taught. Dana, I want to ask this question because I think it's...
Endemic in the church, and again, this is general parenting 101, and it applies to both boys and girls that we are parenting. But leaning into the daughter-mother relationship. We project a certain perfection in Christian households. And I get it. We want to live.
By the tenets of the faith, we want to pursue God with all our heart. We want to do everything well, and even, you know, projecting to our children sometimes. without honesty, if I could say it that boldly. What we are. as a family.
Speak to the danger of that. And I think one of the dangers is your kids then go off to college or do whatever, and they've been bottled up in this fairly tight. more legalistic system, and then they're not prepared. for what they're going to encounter.
So how does our honesty as a parent, as a mom with our daughter, how does that prepare her maybe better? Yeah. Than trying to project perfection. Yeah, we were big in the Gresh home raising our kids to do two things. One, we said, I'm sorry.
Mm-hmm. Mom just lost her cool. Dad Just was so busy that he ignored you. Whatever, we would stop and say, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have responded to you that way. Will you forgive me?
That goes a long way. Because when you present this Picture perfection, it's crazy making. You know, it's our kids know we're not perfect. They see it. They see all our sin.
Better than anyone. They are see our these they when the kids would see Bob and I fight, and when it wasn't fair, especially we would sit down and apologize that they watched us fight and that we didn't fight fair. If you don't do that, it's like, I think a great example is if you walk into a room that smells like smoke. But you can't see any smoke in the air. You can't see any cigarettes in anyone's hands.
And you're like It seems like someone was smoking in here. And they say, No, nobody was smoking in here. you start to not trust your sense of smell, right? That's what we do to our kids. when we aren't transparent to say Yeah.
There's been some sin in this house. Ear smelling is Right. The aroma is accurate. The aroma is accurate. That is a skill they need for the rest of their lives.
And if there's hiding and posturing. And legalism, to use your word, I I I detest legalism. Rules are okay, but rules without relationship are devastating to the future of our child. It leads to rebellion. It leads to absolute rebellion.
And so I think saying I'm sorry, but the other thing we said, and I don't know if you should do this because honestly, I think we could have said it better, but we told them we'd pay for the counseling in the future for what we were messing up. I think we all told her. We were just like, we're going to pay for it. We'll pay ahead. And so I think what we gave our kids is even to this day, this honest, open, transparent conversation to where sometimes when I get together with my girls on monthly discipleship night.
They'll say, I was really frustrated with you because and they'll tell me like I wasn't available to them or I seemed like I was too busy right now. And then I talk through that and that helps me push my reset button. It's still an open relationship and they need to feel that way with Jesus. It's not that they need to feel that way with me. They need to feel that way with the Lord, and that sets them on a trajectory for wholeness their whole life.
Yeah, so good. Dan, it's flown by the time here.
So, thanks for being with us once again. It's always good to have you here. Let me turn to the listener. Focus on the family is here to help you and your family to thrive in Christ. We want to equip you, both mom and dad, as you're raising the next generation.
When you are grounded in the Lord, your relationships can flourish. They actually should flourish. That doesn't mean everything's going to be perfect, but you'll be able to walk the parenting journey knowing you're not alone. We offer a library of trusted resources, articles, programs like this one, videos, and so much more. It's all created by our parenting team to help you stay informed, stay encouraged, and equip you for every stage of your parenting journey.
In fact, we have a video series with Dana and Christian influencer and mom, Whitney Lowe. It's free. You can sign up for that. They go even deeper into ways you can. connect with your daughter, help her manage emotions, build healthy body confidence, grow in her identity in Christ, and handle conflict in positive ways.
That's the answer to so many concerns of moms and parents. The series targets moms with younger girls so you can look ahead and start implementing some strategies to tighten your bond as she grows. We also have Dana's wonderful book, Eight Great Dates for Moms and Daughters. You'll find lots of fun, easy-to-use ideas for strengthening your relationship with your daughter, all centered on God's truth. And when you make a monthly pledge today of any amount, we'll send you the book as our way of saying thank you for supporting the ministry of Focus on the Family.
Of course, if you can't commit to that monthly amount, we understand we'll be happy to send it to you for a one-time gift of any amount. Let me share this note from Julie, who wrote in to tell us this, but also you, the donors. She said, I can't even begin to express how much Focus on the Family has meant to me. Me over the years. I relied on you while raising my own daughters, and now they listen to the broadcast too.
I also mentor a young woman at church and regularly point her to your resources. They've made such a meaningful difference in how I've parented. I love that. And it is a great testimony. Julie, thank you for those words of encouragement.
That means a lot to the team here at Focus. When you donate to Focus on the Family, you're helping folks like Julie strengthen her marriage and raise her children in positive, healthy ways. But this kind of ministry is only possible with your support. You can provide that much-needed help when you do your ministry through Focus on the Family.
So please donate today. Yeah, donate, look for that new video series with Dana, make a monthly pledge as you can, and get your copy of Eight Great Dates for Moms and Daughters when you call 800, the letter A in the word family, or stop by the show notes. We've got all the details right there. And coming up next time, you'll hear some simple encouragement about how you can transform your marriage. You know, the essential element of love is sacrifice.
And when you sacrifice, God, your Father, who is also your father-in-law, will bring the transformation that's needed in your heart and your mind and your life, and He'll transform your relationship. Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. Live your truth. A lot of people say that, don't they?
But truth isn't something we decide. God has decided it for us. And it's our job as believers to share his truth with a world in need. I'll encourage you to do that through my podcast, Refocus with Jim Daly. I visit with fascinating guests about important topics like gender confusion, cancel culture, and more, while helping you share God's love with others.
Listen at refocus with JimDaily.com. Yeah.
