God is at work and He's calling His people to rise in truth. Truth Rising is a powerful new documentary from Focus on the Family and the Coulson Center. See how ordinary Christians choose courage in a culture that needs. truth. Watch Truth Rising today and find out how you can become an agent of restoration and hope.
Visit TruthRising.com today. That's TruthRising.com. Did anybody else out here marry somebody opposite if you're almost completely opposite? Did you think it would be a refreshing perspective? Have you noticed on a day-to-day basis, no matter how much you love that person, it's not that refreshing?
Primarily because we are living proof that our way works. Why would I want to do it your way? if I already know my way works. I appreciate that perspective. Today we're taking a lively look at learning styles.
and how they impact your relationships. Thanks for joining us for Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller. Our guest, Cynthia Tobias, really has a knack for explaining how our cognitive style affects how we take in and process information. And I'm sure many of you read her classic book, The Way They Learn, to help your children in school.
It was a big seller.
Now she's applying that research to adults to help us improve our marriages, friendships, and our work relationships. And if you missed part one of Cynthia's presentation yesterday, please get in touch with us. We can send you the entire message on CD or audio download. Or you can get the Focus on the Family broadcast app for your smartphone. You'll find all of these ways to listen at focusonthefamily.com/slash broadcast or call us and we can tell you more.
800 the letter A and the word family. In addition to her 32 years as an author and speaker, Cynthia also spent eight years teaching high school and was a police officer for six years. That is quite A resume and let's get you caught up with a brief recap from last time. Here's Cynthia Tobias speaking to the focus on the family staff. Three big puzzle pieces when it comes to how you remember information.
Auditory, learn by hearing, visual, learn by seeing. Can aesthetic learn by doing? Is that familiar to you? But there's so much more to it than we were taught about it. For instance, auditory.
means learn best by hearing. But not by hearing other people talk. If your auditory piece of the puzzle is big, You learn best and remember it. By you talking.
Now The second piece of the puzzle, which is For some of you, a little bit bigger than the auditory, is the visual, right? I'm highly visual and highly kinesthetic, but there's more to being a visual learner than you thought. Give me something to look at, and if you can't give me something to look at, let me picture it. Look into my eye to say, do you understand what I mean? It's across from that chevron.
station that Used to be a dairy queen. Oh oh yeah, the one that has the yes, that's it. The visual piece of my puzzle. I need a picture. in order to remember.
Now the kinesthetic part of the puzzle. This is a fun one because Kinesthetic, we thought, well, that's just kids who need to learn by doing. hands-on, manipulative things, and people who, oh no, kinesthetic has a much more inconvenient meaning. Kinesthetic means born to move. Born to move.
And if you're a highly kinesthetic piece of the puzzle, It's hard for you to stop moving ever. I mean, you can look like you're not moving, but some part of you is moving. You shift, you you You can't help it because you want to stay on the move. 50% of the world seems to be wired in their mind when the information comes in to be more what we would call analytic. Automatically the analytic brain Looks around and begins to break things down, look for details, look for specifics.
step by step, piece by piece, beginning, middle, end. Fifty percent. The other 50% Not as analytic, but the research shows unswervingly just as intelligent. Just as smart, just as capable, but instead of being more analytic, we are what they consider like more global, big picture. Context-oriented.
I want the whole picture. I don't want to just go step by step by step. I got in trouble more than once in school. When my analytic teacher would say, Okay, everybody, take out a piece of paper, number one through ten. But what are we doing?
We're taking out a piece of paper and we're numbering one through ten. Because I told you to take out a I'm not trying to be a smart alley. I just, I need an orientation. I need context. Is this a test?
Do I skip a line? I mean, I just. don't know what we're doing. I need to know the end at least vaguely and in general. Before I follow your step-by-step instructions, I'm not trying to annoy you.
I'm trying to understand where we're going.
Now you say well you'll know when I get there if you'll just shut up and listen I'll give you the fifth step and then you'll know.
Well, I just, my mind rebels against it. I've been known, and I'm more extreme than some globals maybe, but I've been known to start a good mystery novel and then skip to the last chapter to make sure I'm gonna like how it ends. If I do, I'll go back and read the rest, but I don't want to read a whole book and get to the last chapter and hate it. I wasted a lot of time when I couldn't. I just want to know how it ends.
As the global, I want to get to the bottom line and get to the point before you tell me how to do this step-by-step.
So, some of the preferences, of course, for the analytics like having an orderly process. This is the way we do things. I know what to expect. I know that it'll always be there. I know what to count on.
Globals, on the other hand, we thrive on spontaneity. and flexibility. We like the Middle of the sentence, inspiration. And we change our mind a lot just because, you know, it would be a really great idea. The analyst going, zzzzzzzz.
When I first started teaching I started teaching high school and the teacher next to me She had a bulletin board that she had layered so that all nine months were already there. And then when it was time to change the bulletin board, she would just peel off. The first one, and there it was. I thought that was a sickness. Anyway.
What about the teachable moment? How are you? What about if something changes?
Well, you have to be prepared, she says. It'll always be there. I'm just going, okay. The year that the principal asked all of us to turn in a week's lesson plans in advance.
some of my best fiction writing ever. It's not that I didn't know my My craft, I just You can't really, what about something happens, what about you have something spontaneous? Do you need somebody like that on your team? Of course. Are they irritating?
Uh yes. But not on purpose. It's one of the strengths, and the strengths in somebody that's opposite of you. often create a little bit or more than a little irritation. Because the globals, we fight routine.
We don't like routine. I worked for the city of Seattle one. One year when they were working with their accountants and data processors, and I only worked with the trainers who were supposed to train the data and processors and give them some ideas for creative training, because they had, for the first time, They had been in these windowless Airless rooms with no just cubbies, and it would been miserable for multiple years. And they were finally going to get a new area and a new software program, and it was going to be windows and wonderful fresh air. This would be great.
But it wasn't. They didn't want to change because most of them went Where is my desk? And where's the one I liked? And I had a notch to this. They have.
a routine that they don't like. to mess with. The other preference of the Analytic person is they want to be objective and consistent. What's one right for one is right for all. But the global says, you know, sometimes there are other circumstances, though.
You know, I know I did that, but the reason I think is a reason that's really important. The analytics going, did you do it? Yes, but I needed her I don't care why. I just need to tell you why. I need to tell someone why.
Because I want to explain and give a little context. That's my life. I want context. And the analytic is so frustrated by that. In fact, if you look at the frustrations, the analytic is frustrated at having a sudden change in plans.
I found this out with Jack. We're planning to do something and go out a particular place, and he walks in the front door, and I say, You know what else would be fun I was thinking of? What no He he locks up, literally. Freeze this up.
Well I thought we were doing this.
Well, we still can if you want, but I was just thinking that there might be another possibility. Yeah. Short circuit in the brain. But what I've found is if if I just call him a couple, three minutes before he gets home, And I say, hey, Jack, there's one other thing I was thinking about. Just, we don't have to do it, but I just want to run it past you real quick.
And I say the idea and then I hang up. It's a hit and run thing, you know. I know what he's going to say.
So I just hit him with it and I run. And then, by the time he's had a few minutes to think about it, and he walks in the door. I say So did you have a chance to Think about what I've suggested or do you want to stick with the original plan? See, I'm giving him a choice, I'm leading him in, we're kind of coming to some agreement. Since I'm frustrated with too much routine, I'm also.
frustrated with no flexibility. This is the way we have done it and the way we will do it. Yeah, but what's the point? That's my favorite question. See, if you asked it at more staff meetings, they'd be shorter.
Because you could say Okay, the bottom line, here's the point. Do we all agree on that? Do we agree on that's the point? Yes, yes, yes.
Okay.
So how many ways we get there? Can I be? done through that filter.
Well, does that achieve this? Because you said this was what we wanted. That's an interesting way, does that achieve it? Years ago I was on a church board and we had board meetings and One more one uh week though. The chore was fail to the globals to send out their reminder notices.
So We just told each other that it was going to come. Come up. We didn't actually even talk to analytics, I don't think. Because by the time the board meeting sh uh came, No analytics showed up. We didn't send it out in writing.
But we had a quorum.
So we were all globals. We had the best and most relaxing board meeting we have ever had. Free-flowing ideas. Oh my goodness. We were having a youth rally come up in a couple months, and somebody said, you know, it would be great.
Let's buy a thousand helium balloons and rent a helium tank and. Make little s Notices, stick them inside the balloons, and then we'll release them. They'll come down all over the Puget Sound area.
Well, we thought that was a great idea.
So, right away, somebody went out and rented the helium tank, and somebody bought a thousand balloons, and somebody else did it and printed them all up, and then before we actually you know, released him. We had another board meeting and the analytics showed up. We enthusiastically and excitedly told them our plan and they patiently and tolerantly listened. At the end, one analytic man raised his hand. Do you um do you have any idea how long balloons stay in the air before they come down?
No, actually, no. He said they've been known to stay up two or three months. The the rally will be over.
Well, that's a good point. One other analytic lady raised her hand. She goes, Do you have any idea how far helium balloons go before they come down? No. She said, they've been known to go two or three hundred miles.
People on the other side of the mountains will not come. Oh, that's a good point too. You know, for the next couple of years we had a box of unused balloons tucked under a Sunday school desk. We all learned something really interesting that night. There's no way around this.
Whether you work with all Christians, whether you're on a church board, or you work for a great organization like Focus on the Family, we had board meetings where. It didn't always sound Super Christian. Oh, Ralph, like he's ever, like he's ever seen an idea he likes. Oh, Stephanie, like she ever follows through. But this time, after that incident, That's not the way it was.
The next board meeting, we were saying, wow, Stephanie, that's a great idea. Ralph, you're sort of our resident analytic. Is that even possible? And where would we start with that? See, instead of resenting the differences, we began to seek out the opposite person who obviously doesn't think like us and saying, What do you think?
And what have we overlooked? And hey, Ms. Visual. How does this name work for you? What does it make you think of?
So we're actually seeking out A different kind of person. We tend to hang out sometimes with opposites. And some of you guys, you're not married yet, but you hang out with opposites. I have a good friend, Debbie. We watch the very same movie.
And If you ask her at the end, what it was about. Be prepared. for a detailed retelling of the story. including pieces of dialogue, Everything. I'm watching her in amazement, right?
And then they turn to me.
So how did you like the movie? What was it about? Yeah. I don't know, it's it was a love story. And there's a guy and a girl, and he was kind of a jerk.
They broke up in the middle, but at the end, they got together is a great movie. Really?
So who played the part of the guy? I don't know any place with no mother sick cops. Where was it filmed? Big city, tall buildings, snow on the ground. You didn't tell me there's going to be a quiz at the end of the MOOC.
If you had said before I went in, Hey, at the end of the movie, I'm going to ask you where it was filmed and who starred in it. I would have paid attention to that, and I could have told you, I'm not dumb. I'm very smart. I only look like I'm a space cadet if you compare me to the analytic who took copious notes and didn't worry about. what they were supposed to remember.
It's a strength both ways. We need each other. And we also need to value each other and recognize that we're really not. not paying attention and that we're really not Just a fuddy-duddy stick in the mud. We've got our strengths and put together with the team.
It's unstoppable.
Well, the other thing. The other frustration for the analytics They don't like being forced to work on a team. Unless, of course, they can choose the team. Then often when they choose the team, it's people who think like them. Because why wouldn't you want to be comfortable?
Right? Same thing with globals. We want to be with the team, we don't want to work alone.
So you can say, hey, you know What you need to do is you need to go off by yourself and figure some of this out, and then we'll get together and tell us what you think. I I just don't work very well by myself. I sit there And if anybody is if I see anybody having more fun than me, I can't do this. I have to go, and I get so easily distracted because I'm dumb? No, because I don't care about the project.
No, it's just that I don't work well alone. In fact, I don't even have to work with somebody on the same project. But if we can all be working together and nobody's having more fun than me? High work. This is the time we're all going to organize or we're all going to work.
I'm there, I'm with you. Team team, all for one. But off by myself, I find a million other things to do. Does that make sense? Don't look at anybody right now, but do you work with anybody?
Who's absolutely So different.
Well, I gave you on the back a little cheat sheet. And it's in the book. But I think of it in this Context of daily minimum requirements. If you're going to keep a healthy team, a healthy family, a healthy organization. And you don't know who's who.
It's not like you're going to give them a test and a quiz. I mean you've got a lot of ways, a lot of puzzle pieces to put in the frame. But you're not going to know right away. Who necessarily is what?
So I chose three things for each of the styles that we've talked about this morning. That if you If you give them this, if you provide this. It will keep them nourished. and keep them happy. As a rule.
For instance, The auditory learners, if every day they get a chance to talk. A chance to ask questions. and they can hear from you. You don't just think it, you don't necessarily write it. You actually.
Talk to them. See, we've talked about with the auditory, visual, and kinesthetic, to remind them of a staff meeting. How do you remind the auditory of a staff meeting? Tonka Talk, chat? How do you remind the visual?
Text Email? post a note on their computer where they can't miss it. How do you remind the kinesthetic? Go get them right before the meeting. Yeah.
Bring him down. The visual learners. They want to see what you're talking about. They want to be able to picture it. They want to show you what they mean.
They don't want to just talk. They want to, you know, for example, remember that one thing that's in the so wo-un-so? I need as a visual person to have you recognize that. And They need to have time to watch and observe. We're not always the first, as visual learners, we're not always the first to just jump in and try it.
or volunteer.
Well, I just I don't want to volunteer yet because I want to kind of see what it is. Volunteering for But I'm watching I'm observing and I'm listening. And that's just comfortable for me, at least at the beginning.
So for the kinesthetic, Oh. They need to keep moving.
So even if it's a very small thing, like they've got a bottle of water they can just hold on to. They have something that they have. that keeps them Moving. Shifting. turning, changing every once in a while.
They need to get to the bottom line quickly.
So, the what's the point question works really well with kinesthetics. Let me just tell you what we're going for, okay? Here's what we're going for. Here's the bottom line: accountability. I can't compromise on the accountability.
But I'm open to some ways to get there if you can prove to me that it actually works. For the kinesthetics, they want to take action as soon as possible. We've talked about this project for like weeks. When do we start? When do we do it?
I'm impatient, I'm chafing. For the analytic learners, well you do need to have a better routine and predictability. Otherwise They're going to go off the rails. Not because they aren't capable, but because good grief, we don't ever know what to expect. We know that there are procedures of doing this, and if it's going to change, give me fair warning.
so that I can adjust in an analytic brain. They need to work on one thing at a time. Their global counterpart wants several things, that's fine. But for the analytic, if you demand that they have two or three things at the same time, you're going to short circuit. a lot of their very best work and their very best strengths.
For the Globals, they want to be valued as a team.
So, you know, do you know what I like about you? You know, I don't know if I've ever mentioned this to you, but one of the things I really appreciate about you is. Just a little of that is going to go a long way. with the global. Because I feel like I'm part of the team.
I feel like you recognize me, and you recognize that I have strengths. that you appreciate and that are part of the team. Need flexibility and a chance to be spontaneous.
So you have routine and you have predictability, but There are always opportunities to again say, well, you know, we don't usually do it that way. But I think if you can prove you can get to the bottom line, I remember when I'm teaching, I would sometimes have kids that would go up. I don't like tests, I panic at tests, and I just hate tests. And I would say, well, you don't have to take the test then. I don't.
No. If you just find another way to prove to me you know all eight parts of speech and how to use them. It doesn't have to be a test. Oh never mind, I'll just do the test. As long as I know the bottom line, right?
and need to multitask. Give me a chance to do more than one thing. You will be surprised at how I'll come through. for you. Just last year.
Jack and I got an up close and personal. Experience that so well illustrated our opposite styles. And he said he wouldn't have believed it if it didn't actually happen. I was speaking Out in rural Olympia, speaking for a conference at a conference center. for a large group of people and on our way out there We were going on this somewhat rural road, and there was a house.
It looked like a cartoon house. It was Multicolored, it had turrets. It seriously looked like something from a Disney movie or something. Fuchsia. Lime green, I mean, the gaudiest, most obnoxious-looking house.
And after we passed it, I said to Jack, Can you believe that house? He said, how much would you pay to take down that tree? I said what tree? He said, what how? Yeah.
We turned the car around. And we went back. And I went, oh, that is an ugly tree. And he said, Whoa, what a house. I wouldn't have believed it.
if it didn't actually happen.
Sometimes our filters are so strong that we actually see completely the opposite of what you see. It's through our filter. Didn't you see that? I can't believe you didn't see that. Didn't you hear what he said?
Now what do you say? I can't believe you didn't hear it. He said it like three times. I'm not even looking for that because my mind is wired. a particular way.
Well You live and work with some amazing people, do you not? And they are bound to irritate you, some of them every day. But not on purpose. If you can take a look. at God's handiwork.
and how he has not only made them with different strengths, but is put them in your life. to help you recognize a tree when all you saw was a house. What a gift that is. What a gift. It does make a difference if you stop.
And you take the time. to really observe and get to know. and value. The way we work. Thank you.
God bless you. And that's how Cynthia Tobias wrapped up her time of speaking at a staff chapel here at Focus on the Family. This was a really great message that had deep impact on the team here. I'm sure it has improved many relationships right here in our offices. You know, Cynthia talked about how to relate to and accommodate those co-workers with different learning styles.
Now, think about how to apply that in your marriage. If your spouse is visual, remember as you're explaining something, you need to slow down and help them picture it step by step. If they're auditory, that's where I land, they might start talking before you're finished because they're processing and learning through hearing themselves talk. And if they're kinesthetic, keep in mind that they probably need to move around as you're speaking.
So don't be distracted or consider it rude. It's just how they process. Yeah, and I appreciate how Cynthia was sharing that if your spouse is analytic. You can kind of count on them to focus on the details. If they're global, they're going to be really interested in that big picture.
Exactly. Cynthia mentioned a cheat sheet that she gave to our staff, and I'd like to go ahead and post that online, John, so people can access it for free. That is a great idea, and we'll have details in the episode notes. I know for some of you, talking about differences can be painful because you've got major differences that are becoming a problem with your spouse. And let me just remind you: if you need someone to talk to, please give us a call.
We'll have one of our caring Christian counselors give you a call back and help you with some first steps. And if needed, refer you to like-minded Christian counselors in your area. And if your marriage is in crisis, we'd highly recommend our Hope Restored Marriage Intensive program. Many times, an unhappy spouse thinks they only have two options: to get divorced or be miserable for the Rest of their lives. But there is a third option.
Learn together how to help your marriage thrive in Christ. 99% of Hope Restored attendees say they'd recommend the program to a friend. That's pretty good. 99%. And over 80% say they're doing really well after two years.
And if you donate to focus on the family, let me say thank you for helping us save marriages. Our research tells us that the ministry as a whole has helped 11,000 couples per month resolve a major marital crisis. And I think that is amazing. And we're grateful to God for that. If you want to help marriages thrive, please join us with a regular monthly pledge.
That's really the best way to help us with ongoing expenses. And when you make a pledge of any amount, we'll send you Cynthia's book, The Way We Work, as our way of saying thank you. And if you can't make that monthly commitment, we get it. But please get in touch with us. We can offer you the book for a one-time gift of any amount.
We know that you'll find it helpful. Yeah, it really will make a big difference for you. And so give us a call. Our number is 800, the letter A and the word family. We'll follow the link in the episode notes so you can donate to the work of Focus on the Family and get your copy of The Way We Work.
On behalf of Jim Daly and the team here, thanks for listening to this Focus on the Family podcast. And please. Uh tell others what you like about these podcasts and share with a friend. to join us next time. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.
God is at work and He's calling His people to rise in truth. Truth Rising is a powerful new documentary from Focus on the Family and the Coulson Center. see how ordinary Christians choose courage in a culture that needs truth. Watch Truth Rising today and find out how you can become an agent of restoration and hope. Visit TruthRising.com today.
That's TruthRising.com. Yeah.
