God is at work and he's calling his people to rise in truth. Truth Rising is a powerful new documentary from Focus on the Family in the Colson Center. See how ordinary Christians choose courage in a culture that needs truth. Watch Truth Rising starting September 5th and find out how you can be a part of the change and become an agent of restoration. Sign up at truthrising.com. That's truthrising.com When you get into a blended family, please understand that you're entering elementary school.
You need to learn. So yes, I want to stay connected with my relationship with Christ. Yes, I want to make sure my spouse is right there in that priority list. But the third part of that is I need to go back to the basics and get back to learning.
That's Scott Martindale and he's with us today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, along with his wife, Vanessa, to provide some advice for couples who are blending their families. You know, John, according to God's design for marriage, it should be lifelong. But things happen in life. A spouse could pass away. There are things or biblical reasons for divorce that some may have to choose. And we want to make sure that everybody hears nobody is beyond God's restoration.
Nobody's beyond his reach. And we at Focus, we want to help you where you're at today to thrive in Christ in your marriage, whether it's the first marriage or perhaps a second marriage. We get it. And we know a lot of couples have experienced that.
And we want to be here for you. And so today's program is going to be about how to make the best of your blended family situation. And Vanessa and Scott are the founders of Blended Kingdom Families, a ministry that provides support and resources for blended families. They have four sons and they've written a terrific book called Blended and Redeemed, the go to field guide for the modern step family. Stop by the show notes to find out more about our guests and this exceptional book.
Scott and Vanessa, welcome to Focus on the family. It's great to have you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Pleasure to be here. The fact that you've raised four sons, maybe we should be doing a parenting program, not a marriage program.
But maybe next time we concentrate on that because I have two boys and you have four. Wow, that's a lot. And that's a great thing, by the way. Yes.
A full quiver. But welcome to the program. Well, thank you so much. We are honored to be here. And this is just such a blessing. So thank you.
Yeah. Let's start, Vanessa, with you. You promised yourself after you divorced that you're never getting married again. Gina said something similar that if you pass away, Jim, I'm not getting married again. But in your case, that's something that changed. So describe that for the listeners. You know, you went from this kind of hard position, it sounds like to a softer position. Yes.
Why? Well, so I after my divorce, I moved back home, moved in with my parents just to get back on my feet. And I had my son with me and was a single mom for about five, five and a half, six years and had kind of fallen away from church and got back into church and was serving at church and was seeking pastoral counseling after going through my divorce.
And just, you know, trying to get to a place of freedom and healing in my life. And I remember going into church one day and my pastor approached me and said, I've been praying for you and I feel led to tell you to pray for your future husband and to pray for your former spouse. And I was like, I don't want to do either, because I had created this inner vow within myself that I was never going to get married again. I did not want to go through the pain of ever having to experience a divorce, watching my son go through that.
And it was just a terrible experience. And I ended up taking the advice of my pastor and I started praying about that. And along with pastoral counseling and a few years later, I met Scott and understood why, you know, then, you know, why my pastor asked me to do that. And just the blessing that came along with that. But also as I went on this journey of seeking freedom, understanding what inner vows were and how that could have prevented me from the blessing that God had for me with my spouse. Now, Scott and the three, you know, three more sons that we had together and everything, you know, our life now. And so it's been quite the journey. Yeah. How long have you guys been married? It'll be 12 years this November.
That just helps context. You're working on your MFCC, your marriage and family. Masters in marriage and family therapy. So that's wonderful. Scott, you are a counselor, correct? I have been for almost 20 years.
OK, an LPC, licensed professional counselor. Right. So that, again, just sets with the audience.
It's great. And Dr. Dobson was that too, a Ph.D. in child development. But blending those things that we can observe and learn of God's nature, which we're part of, then with the credentials to say, we've studied this.
And I think that's really important. Vanessa, before I let this one go, I just got to probe a little bit more because you were in that spot creating this inner vow saying, I don't want to be hurt again. Therefore, I'm not going to get married. And then you prayed about it, the challenge of your pastor, pray for your ex-husband, pray for your future husband. Did you feel once you met Scott, was it all tidy and tied up in a bow and it was all fine? Or did these inner voices, inner vows keep coming back?
And then how did you wrestle them down and how did Scott either help you? I'm sorry to ask the question. Did he help you or hurt you in that part of it? Well, inner vows, it's where we take control out of God's hand and put it in ours. And it's where we make ourself the God of that area that we've experienced trauma or turmoil in our life. And so it's usually with the statement of I never, I'm never going to let this happen to me again.
I'm not going to do X, Y and Z. And so for myself, it was Psalm 139 prayer, which is a very dangerous prayer. It's, you know, search in me, God, reveal in me. Is there anything that I have taken out of your hands and taken control of? And then it's repenting, God, forgive me for taking that control out of your hands and trying to control it myself and then renouncing that. And then also seeking forgiveness, asking yourself for forgiveness for that situation, have an empathy for yourself, but also asking forgiveness for maybe the person that hurt you, forgiving them. And then I think as you know, when when we begin to blend in our marriage, what we call our land mine.
So you will see things pop up and it's usually an abnormal reaction like, oh, your voice went like 10 octaves higher. That was not a normal reaction for you. And so then you begin to have conversations of what is in me? What is within me that made me act that way or what is within me that is making me feel that way? And having those conversations and beginning to process and dissect that. Scott and I are also big proponents of biblical counseling. And so we saw a biblical counselor and so together we process that out. And there was a lot that even though I had gone through freedom and healing through church and pastoral counseling, there was still a lot there that I still needed to work through and deal with.
Well, I really appreciate that because I think that's how I was going to, you know, it can sound like, well, I bundled it all up and it was done. But it's more like gardening. These weeds are popping up throughout the rest of your life. Yes.
And you've got to just keep plucking the weeds, the things that are going to choke off the good fruit. Yes. Right. And that's true for all of us.
That's what's so amazing. This isn't like a second marriage thing. This is a first marriage thing. Yes.
Because we bring all those fears into the relationship when we get married. Right. Regardless of what the situation is.
Yeah. And I think through that process I learned is that fear is from the enemy, but fear hinders us from the blessings of God. And so if we're letting that rule and we're holding on to these things, that does not allow God to move in and through us and in our life to do the things that he wants to do.
You know, it's interesting. You're saying this and I'm thinking of a few months ago, somebody shared with me and you may have already heard this, but when you're lacking patience, you pray for patience. What does God give you?
Opportunities. He doesn't give you patience. He gives you difficulties to learn patience. And that's kind of what you're saying in this regard, recognizing this control issue. So, Lord, help me with my control. He doesn't simply take it away so you have no more. He has identified it for you. Now you've got to deal with it. Our need for control is a lack of trust in God.
Wow. So when we feel the need to do X, Y, and Z, say X, Y, and Z, make these inner vows, it's, and we can say all day, and I've said it before too, God, I trust you. I trust you. But do you really trust me with this area of your life? Do you trust that I can do this in, you know, in whatever the outcome is? And so if you are needing or feeling the need to take control over an area of your life, again, just apply the four, the three R's and the F for forgiveness. Those are some easy, practical steps and spiritual steps that you can do to reveal that and then be in a better place where God can move and act in your life.
Yeah. Vanessa, you had a dream during a difficult time in your marriage. What was the dream and how did it communicate to you that God knows you're there and he knows your situation? Oh, gosh, I have a lot of dreams. And so I know everybody, the Lord speaks to people in different ways, but I dream a lot. I dream every, almost every night.
And I just feel that it's one of the ways that the Lord speaks to me. And during our litigation season, which is really where the birth of the ministry came to be, I had a dream, multiple dreams. But this one dream, it was a refining dream. And ultimately it was me being in the fire.
And I think of in the book of Daniel, Ashrak, Meshach and Abednego, their names are so hard to say. But I think about them because I in this dream, I was wearing this dress and it had you could tell that I had come out of the fire and there was like kind of like soot and stuff all over this dress. And I remember in my dream there was a book and I'm reading this book and I turned to this page and the Holy Spirit is next to me in this dream and points to this word. And in the dream, I asked what it meant and it was redeemed.
And we were in this season of just battling in this, you know, child custody lawsuit. We didn't understand why this was going on. And we were just constantly on our knees praying like, Lord, why, why, why, why? And I felt that in this dream, the Lord was revealing one that he's refining us in this season. He was refining our hearts. But, you know, just like in the book of Daniel, they came out of the fire not smelling like smoke. And it wasn't that God was going to take us out of the fire.
He was promising that he was going to walk us walk with us through it. Because in that in that refining season, he had to do something in our hearts, which was pull out every single impurity. And we saw that in our marriage. There was there were things in our marriage and in our outside circumstances with the child custody lawsuit. And it was such a beautiful experience.
It was a very difficult experience. And so I would say to anybody that's in a refining season, if you feel like you're in the fire, man, embrace it like that is a beautiful and safe place to be. Because just like precious metals, gold, we know that whenever you heat up gold to if you research refining. So the refiner will heat up precious metals like gold and it will strip all of the the negative things out of it.
The impurities and that drosses on the top and they draw off. The really cool thing about refining is that when it is at its purest form, you can see your reflection in it. So if you think of the father and he's doing this refining in your life, people are then going to be able to see the reflection of Christ in you. And I think it's so beautiful because when we harbor all that bitterness and all of that stuff within us, like that stuff is going to come out and it is ugly.
But that refining and that's what this dream was. And I under it gave me a better understanding of where we were at in the season, where the Lord was taking us and things that we needed to to do in our marriage to stay strong and cling to one another, but also fight for our family. Vanessa, let me move to the children because that's such a critical part of the blended family.
And again, the concepts that we've been talking about are applicable to all of us. First time family, second time family, whatever it might be. But the kids in the blended family, it's hard to do. I think the the projection of God first, our marriage second and the kids third, especially when the kids are feeling jealousy with the other spouse, whatever it might be, a mother or a father. But they don't feel quite like they're part of the family. What are we doing here, mom?
You know, that kind of thing. How does a mom handle that? And Scott, I'm going to turn to you after that and say, how does a dad handle that in that blended family situation? So quietly, your previous children are coming to you saying, I don't know about Scott, I don't know about dad.
What do you say? You know, I grew up in a blended family, so that was me at one point when my mom and my stepdad, who is my father. I do not know my biological father, but when they were married, it's I had my mom for so many years by myself. And so you when they get married, that time and that attention is pulled and you feel that and you're you're like, what is going on?
How do I make sense of this? My mom and stepdad, I I call them the OG blended kingdom family because, I mean, they just laid it out there from the beginning. They they my my mom was like, hey, my husband comes first. I will never forget her telling me that. And at that time, like I did not understand that I was how old were you? I mean, I was probably 12. I mean, I was young.
Yeah, but still right on the edge of teenhood. Well, and we married into my pastor's family. And so we didn't my mom and actually didn't we both didn't know Jesus and we came to know Jesus because of my stepdad and his family. And so so we married into a family that I mean, God was first and foremost. And so it really flipped our whole world upside down.
But for the good. But I remember them saying, like our marriage comes first. And I really didn't understand that until I obviously was older and got married. And especially after Scott and I got married and we were in church and doing our pre-marriage counseling and biblical counseling, that we understood the importance of that. And so whenever we got married, I remember I had this mindset of you have an alliance with your kid.
You both have gone through this very hard experience. And so you're each other's number one, so to speak. I mean, you have God, but there's no spouse there.
There's no marriage. So you're each other's number one. And if you think about being in a car, I'm in the driver's seat. My son is in the passenger seat. Scott comes along. He moves into the driver's seat.
I moved to the passenger seat and my son is in the backseat. And that is a totally different view. That's a good metaphor for the whole time for him.
Yes. And so, you know, it's having those intentional conversations. I think it's also allowing Scott and my son to let that bond and that establishment of trust and that foundation happen naturally. Not so much of my opinion of, oh, you know, you should do this or you should do this or, you know, trying to control that relationship or situation, but letting that happen naturally. And then as a family together, you know, we talk about marriage, marriage meetings and business meetings, but also family meetings are important to you.
Sitting down with the family, praying together, talking about the things that you want to accomplish. And it all depends on the age of the children. Right. And so when we got married, our son, my son was seven years old. And so, I mean, he's still young, but, you know, was kind of getting it. And so we just, you know, we had these intentional conversations of, hey, you know, Scott is is not your dad. He is your stepdad, bonus dad and everybody has different terms for it.
But he is here to support you and help you. And, you know, we made it more of like he is going to be a parental figure, but also a great friend, an alliance for you. What you're describing is such a natural thing. It's like if you take a pencil around you and your son and you drew that circle, that's kind of the battle you're coming out of with your ex-husband.
Right. I mean, yes, you have this kind of spiritual, emotional circle around the two of you. And then all of a sudden, Scott's in the picture and you've got to draw that circle around the three of you. And sometimes children just have a difficult time understanding that concept because it was you and me.
And now it's we. And you just have to slow down and be able to let them catch up and do the right thing. Say the right thing. Scott, as a dad in that context. And again, dads are going to come in different forms and circumstances.
Right. You may bring kids in. In this case, you did not have children, but speak to that idea of engaging Vanessa's son. And now you're the bonus dad or however you're going to express it. And how do you bond?
How do you connect? How do you reassure this young man that you're in his corner? You're not in competition. Yeah. I want to I want to say one thing before I do the practical of that. I will say to any dad or stepdad is out there. I want you to understand that when you're when you're dealing with the I would say the happiness of the bonding of your children and your blended family.
Know that that's going to take a long time. So if you're in it for the quick attachment or you think this is going to work quickly, you're not understanding the seasons that you're going to follow. So to ask me that question today. Well, I look back and I say, well, I wish I would have been a little bit different in these stages. Now I'm looking at it going, oh, I understand why I understand why that's important. Now, practically, as a new stepdad, if you're in a new blended family, you're looking at this and saying, hey, how do I do this? And every every situation is different. And that's why blended families are so unique, because we talk about families and kids bonding, but they may only be with you four days a month. So you're like, OK, how do we do this and create family? Or maybe they're with you 50 percent of the time. And maybe you have another house or another parent that's parenting them.
That is completely opposite of what you're doing. Whether you're parenting boys or you're parenting girls, the dynamics of a blended family are a multitude of who knows and what to do. Now, we've outlined in the book some practical steps just about discipline, about how to have fun with your kids, how to as a new stepdad coming in going, hey, I'm not here to you know, if I'm walking into a tornado, my job is not to to grab every piece and put it in the right spot.
My job is to sit as a pillar, even when the wild, crazy winds are going around me, but to be solid and to make sure that my marriage is first, make sure that I'm connected to my relationship with Christ, because over time, that's what's going to matter. That's what's going to make the difference. You may not bond with your stepson or your stepdaughter in the first month. You may not bond in the first 10 years. Vanessa will tell you a great story about her own personal life that it took years before she understood the value of her stepdad and the value that he brought to their life. So when we talk about those situations as a stepdad, you want to be right, but don't have an expectation of what's going to happen. Well, I think it was so difficult to in that situation spiritually from a Christian standpoint.
I mean, you guys are still believers in all this. It's really what, yeah, the one or two core ingredients that you don't want to drop, because that that relationship with that child could be really difficult. A lot of strain because that child's going through so much rejection. Yeah. You know, whatever created the split of the parents, you know, that child feels some of that like guilt.
Did I have a role in that? All those things. So in that context, what I'm hearing you say is make sure that one or two things that are central is your relationship with Christ and then your relationship with your spouse. And the kids need to see that and then be patient with them. Be godlike toward them.
And that's not easy because God's perfect and we're not. Well, to make it really simple, I always tell couples that I'm counseling. When you get into a blended family, please understand that you're entering elementary school. You need to learn. So, yes, I want to stay connected with my relationship with Christ.
Yes, I want to make sure my spouse is right there in that priority list. But the third part of that is I need to go back to the basics and get back to learning, because what you've been naturally taught is not the ingredient for success. Maybe what your parents taught you is not the ingredients for success here because not all that fits together in your new family.
So you need to get down to basics and start learning. What is it about discipline that I need to learn about my stepchildren? Well, we need to know that because I see families that go into situations and the stepdad is taking discipline action on day one and there's no trust. There's no foundation.
So it's going to explode. Scott, we're winding down on time, so let me end with you. And this is really delicate and you can both jump in, but you encourage blended families that their home is not broken. And I, you know, I think as a child, because my mom and dad divorced when I was five, and then my mom remarried my stepdad at eight and a half, and then she passed away when I was nine. And he bailed. He ran out on the family. We ended up in foster care. But the point of that is, I think as a child, I carried some of that broken feeling because I wasn't like everybody else. Now more kids are coming from broken homes.
But back then, I mean, it was a little more rare. But speak to the feeling of brokenness and that God will take these broken pieces and put them back together. That's a big question. Let me first say, there's a real enemy who wants you to feel broken. So we have to understand, and Vanessa talks about this really well, the spiritual battle around our marriage and our spiritual battle for our children. And we have a real enemy. His name is Satan. And he hates us. And he wants to do nothing but destroy marriage and destroy family. And he does that through very, you know, snaky ways. And he uses this word like broken, unredeemable, unreachable, unhealable. And he makes us believe that. And as Christians, we tend to fall into this category of, well, let's put them in different spaces.
Let's make sure that we understand where people are and where we are as Christians and say, well, this church is, we're all about enjoying each other and we're going to sing. But there are broken people and people who feel broken because they've been lied to. So I want to get to the question you asked. What do you do when you feel that way?
And what is the approach about the concept of the blended family and where does it sit? The truth is, we're all broken. We've all disappointed our creator. We've all fallen short of the glory of God. But we have a savior in Jesus who is a redeeming savior who, through his blood, redeems us and forgives us. We need to make sure that we understand that that is a blanket.
That is not a choice of, well, this one, yes, this one, no, this one, yes, this one, no. And I think blended families come from this area of shame. They come, and I say that blended families, I think all people come with an area of shame.
They all come with, let me tell you what's good. Let me hide what's bad. I'll tell you about my great marriage, but I'm going to hide my addiction. But blended families have a little bit more on the surface because they can see, oh, is this your son? No, that's my stepson. Oh, why is your name different?
So blended families are identified. And so they come in and say, where does the blood of Christ reside with me? And for me, I am a pretty simple person. So I look at it and say, hey, if Jesus said this, then it applies to you. So brokenness cannot exist under the forgiveness of Christ. And even though we've failed him, we have an ability to be redeemed. I refuse to live in a world where the concept of generational divorce exists purely because people don't believe in Jesus or don't believe what Jesus can do. And that's what happens is these generational curses that get passed down and people and brokenness and they never kind of turn back to the source. And that's where I want people to go, because the label will only exist as long as you give it air to.
Yeah, it's so good. And the general principle that the things that pull us closer to the Lord are good things, even though they may be difficult circumstances. And I think that's the beauty of the fact that he works with those that are in the in the street, not up on the mountaintop.
He's there for them. But I think those broken places are where God does great work in us. Yeah, it's a I think we talk about this in the book, but it's some brokenness is something we go through. It's not who we are. I am like we are a new creation in Christ. I mean, and so it's something that we go through.
And I like to use this example. But if you have your house and you have your foundations, the walls can come crumbling down and the house can be broken. But with Christ as our foundation, we can rebuild and back up.
I think of Ezra and Nehemiah, we can rebuild and build it back strategically. And when we do it God's way, it can be beautiful, it can be blessable and it can be the most amazing thing in the world. Well, that's so good. And you guys have really expressed it so well in your book, Blended and Redeemed. And thanks for being with us. Thanks for, like John said earlier, just opening up and saying here we are. Thank you for having us.
So wonderful. And to those of you listening and watching, I hope you've been inspired and empowered by the conversation today. Even when you feel broken, God is with you and can bring healing to your family. If you have a desire to see your marriage transformed, I'd encourage you to check out our Hope Restored program. Couples who participate in that intensive have an 80 percent success rate of remaining married two years after attending.
And John will have those details on how to find out that information in a minute. And if focus has made a difference in your marriage, please consider financially supporting us so we can keep helping other couples. Your donations are so important for helping us provide resources like Hope Restored and free counseling consultations. When you make a gift of any amount, we'll send you a copy of the Martindale's book as our way of saying thank you for supporting us.
It's called Blended and Redeemed. The book has more practical advice and stories to help you in your journey of blending your family. So donate today and request your copy of Blended and Redeemed, the go-to field guide for the Modern Step family. When you call 800, the letter A and the word family, that's 800-232-6459.
Or donate and request the book when you click the links in the show notes. Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. Our biblically based counseling will help you find the root of your problems and face challenges together. We'll talk with you, pray with you, and help you find out which program will work best. Call us at 1-866-875-2915.
