Back-to-School Anxiety? David & Meg Robbins

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God uses the hard, painful things to show them who He is, to show them who they are and who He made them to be, if they will look for that. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Shelby Abbott and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at familylifetoday.com.

This is Family Life Today. Well, we have David and Meg Robbins back in the studio. Welcome back, guys. It's good to be back.

We love having you. And this is going to be a great topic today because we're talking about school starting. We're back. We're back to school. And we need to talk about the parent side of this, right? The anxiety and stress that parents feel.

It is very real. But before we dive into that, I just have to say, I mean, it's not only is it fun to come and be in here with y'all, but I am so grateful just even as a person who listens to Family Life Today. One of my favorite things is to work out and turn it on.

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Yeah, it really does. It encourages us. And I would encourage you as a listener, share this with other people. And with school starting, this is going to be a topic that you might want to share. Yesterday, we talked about the anxiety and the stress that our kids feel going back to school. But today we're going to talk about the anxiety and stress that parents feel. They're not the only ones freaked out. I mean, some of you are like, woohoo, they're back to school.

But you also know that comes with a price. Like now you're back to packing lunches, possibly. And now you're hearing all the drama that's going on. And now there's homework happening.

And so it can... You were laying it on and you were right. Yeah, and all the activities. I mean, I think we barely mentioned this yesterday, but just how much is going on that kids can be a part of. And in some ways it's great, but in some ways it's really hard to draw limits and lines and keep your own family time sacred and even present at all. So yeah, it's a lot. There is a lot of anxiety that comes with the start of school, for sure.

Well, take us into the Robbins home. I mean, honestly, do you guys feel anxiety? You've got one in college, just started, and three in what, middle school and above? One in elementary, third grade. And then we have a ninth grader entering high school and an 11th grader. So talk about the stress. I mean, I think the main thing, especially in this season, is just all the orchestration to pull off getting them into school. And that first month, I mean, the layers of preparation and supplies. And this time we're adding the college mix into that, move-in day. By the way, you're really, really going to cry.

Just give you a heads up. I mean, I just have to say that if you're asking if we're feeling anxiety, you can be super honest and say certainly, because the other kids are walking a path that we have been before. We've had kids start high school. We've had kids go into third grade.

Each one carries their own unique challenges. So you feel things around that for sure. But sending a kid off to college, this is like a whole new thing for us.

I'm feeling all the feels. Yeah, it's a lot the same and a lot different of sending your kid to kindergarten. Some of you are sending your kid to pre-K and kindergarten for the first time. And I would just say the anxiety for me starts coming out in unhealthy ways when I just start functioning and getting it all done. Because that's what has to happen in some ways. And logistically, I'm like, all right, let's just make it all happen. And I start ignoring myself.

And then that ends up detaching Meg and I. And that ends up me just functioning with the kids and making sure it all happens. So you become very task oriented? Even though I'm people to the core, I become tasked because it's just so much in this unique back to school season. It could also be because your wife avoids tasks.

She's feeling those things. Someone has to fill in the gaps. Somebody's got to do it. But there's an anxiety too. It just isn't all going to get done. And when's the time? And then you do get lack of sleep.

It just layers on. Well, we want to end well. We want to get in all the things and do all the things. But yet let him have the space and freedom to do that with his friends and people in his life. But yet our kids have their own grief process of watching their brother leave.

Talk about that. Because I remember our oldest is CJ, and he's married now. But when he was going into college, you just said a couple things we did.

I mean, one was his senior year. He's like, hey, you want to go out for a burger tonight? Hey, you want to go out tomorrow night? Because you felt like, oh, the window's closing. We got to grab every moment. So you're trying to seize those moments.

But then when we got him to school, and I'll never forget driving away and looking in the rear room here and just seeing him stand there. I mean, we're bawling our eyes out. I mean, literally overwhelmed by our oldest is leaving. And it's, again, everything we prepare for, this is what we want to do.

This is perfect. But the fear and anxiety in my soul, and I want to know if you're feeling this. Thanks for just stirring it up. Trying to make me cry, Dave? Was the Christian walk part of we poured into him. We prayed over him.

We've cast vision for him being a man of God. Now he's on a campus and this was a public secular school where I know what I did when I got there. It was not good. I took my freedom to bad places and you're driving away thinking, will he make good choices? Talk about that kind of stress. Maybe you don't have that, but we sure did.

For sure. I mean, I think sometimes there are seasons of parenting where you can have this illusion of control, especially when they're younger. You don't have any control, but for some reason we kind of feel like, you know, we're, I mean, you are making some decisions that, you know, when is everybody going to bed? Those kinds of things, or at least in theory. But I think you hit this stage, like this point in our oldest life where no, we don't have any control. We really never did, but it's this moment of deep, deep surrender and do I trust you Lord?

And whatever story you're writing in his life and the choices that he makes that some of them, probably many of them have no idea, you know, what exactly is going, I mean, even just that reality coming to terms with I'm not going to know what he's doing most of the time. You know, I think that same principle is the principle that applies no matter what age your kid is. If you have a pre-K-er all the way to this release point, that's a little more tangible.

They're all surrender release points. And Sissy Goff talks about anxiety. She says anxiety is always an overestimation of the problem and an underestimation of ourselves and for kids themselves. But let's talk about parents here. There's holy moments in back to school where you can actively on the way and especially after drop-off or as you send people out the door, whatever stage you're in, you get to surrender every day. Your kids, you get to intercede for them every day. You get the opportunity to get honest about your own stuff.

That's surfacing for you. There's nothing like the most intimate relationship in your, in your life to sometimes reject. What was the quote we heard this weekend? I feel like God gave us teenagers in order to know what it feels like to have something created in your image that rejects you, you know? Well, that affects us and that affects our identity, but we end up underestimating really our identity in Christ and seven words in Colossians that really can change the game every single day if we live them out. Christ in us, the hope of glory. He didn't just forgive our sins and take them away.

And he forgives us when we get wrapped around in sin, in our anxiety, but he put into us his Holy Spirit, his righteousness, divine resources for us to live this day today, today differently that we can surrender today and go, God, they are yours. And I am coming out sideways to help me Lord with the way my anxiety is coming out because the scariest thing about anxiety in a parent, I think it was Josh Strob who told us this from research, the number one predictor, not the only predictor, but the number one predictor of how your kids will deal with anxiety is how their parents deal with stress and anxiety, which puts a mirror really up close to my face. David, I remember dropping CJ off, Dave, that first day, and we've dropped him off at this incredibly hard engineering school that he got into and he has ADD.

And so I'm also thinking of parents that are sending their kids off. Maybe there's some sort of a learning challenge or a diagnosis that you are just like, ugh. But I also remember as we were crying going home, we also prayed for him and did as we did many nights, like, Lord, we lay this boy at the altar.

You love him more than we do. And I think that's a great spot because I can't take the anxiety of it. Like it just wrecks me.

As you said, it comes out all different places. And so to say, Lord, I just, we just surrender them. As you said, David, whether they're in kindergarten, whether they have the hardest learning challenge that you're like, I don't even know how they'll survive. And we're worried about their self-esteem and how they'll manage.

Isn't it reassuring to remember that like, oh, we can just drop them at the altar of God. And he's like, I've got them. For us became exactly true because it was always sort of hard for him to stay focused. And he's like, yeah, I figured out I need to sit in the front row.

I figured out I need to read on him. It's like, he figured it out. All that anxiety we carried around, like, I don't know if he'll be able to, he thrived.

Isn't how he has a great job. It's just like, okay, God had it the whole time, but he sort of had to have us go. We let go. Yeah, because I become controlling. I become so controlling.

Or avoid. It's like this one or two ways that we respond. And we both respond in those similar ways.

Yeah. I think it's remembering how trustworthy our God is and that he loves our kids more than we do. That surrender is, he already has them, but there is something about letting them go again into his hands.

Can I just say, though, that these are words we say to ourselves, words we've heard, words that get talked around this table a lot. It's another thing for me as a dad to just stop and do it. It's one thing to know it. It's another thing to, okay, in the bleachers today, watching a game, a practice, I'm going to release that kid, all practice, or I'm going to go to practice with an intentionality to pray over that kid the entire time.

Would I release this about him to you? I surrender this and then begin to take a listening posture to go, so how do you want me to participate in how you're shaping this kid? Because that's what we get to do as parents. We do have a stewardship. And yet, I know all those things, but again, going back to how we started, I can just function, get to practice, talk to the parents, enjoy being on mission, talk to the kid about how the practice was.

Sometimes, we have to live out, in actuality, putting on the calendar, release time, surrender time. Oh, that's good. I don't know. I can't say I've done that. That's an action I can do this afternoon as I go to practice. I can be different at this practice. I can sit in a different spot where I'm not going to talk to parents and actually, or maybe it's right after drop-off before you go have coffee with other moms.

If you're a mom dropping off and going to have coffee, I'm going to take five minutes. It's that simple. And God, I'm going to pray through their whole day and release them to you. It's one thing to say the words, and we know these words, and we do them in principle. It's another thing to actually do them today. Well, I remember we prayed every day before school, on the way to school, and honestly, I'm praying for the kids, but I think it was more for me than anybody.

That's so true. I don't even know if they're listening, as I was driving them to school certain days. But just that habit of praying for them, that it's just releasing them, because that first son who went to college, when he'd have a big exam coming up, you know what he would do? Hey, Mom and Dad, I've got this huge exam.

Could you guys pray for me? Because that had become a pattern in our lives. That's cool. That when we're up against something hard and difficult or easy, but especially when we're really struggling, where do we go? Oh, we go to our Father who loves us.

For sure. That reminds me of one of my favorite verses, Isaiah 26, three, you keep him in perfect peace. Peace. His mind is stayed on you because he trusts in you. And praying with our kids before school or before a tryout for something or all these new things or daily, that teaches them what it means to have our mind fixed on the Lord, entrusting in him.

And that is where peace comes from. I want to know what your anxiety points are in your family, because I think back on when our kids were in school days, mine was, you know what I'm going to say? I have no idea. Sports? Where I was most anxious, money. Oh. That's a big one. Sports was not really as much.

It was bad coaches. Never me, but all the other ones. But no, I can remember nights, many nights when they're middle school, high school, starting to think about how do we pay for college?

You know, we're always. I never, I slept like a baby. That's why I had so much anxiety.

I was on my own on this one. I mean, I would just lay there thinking, oh my goodness, college is going up and up and up. And if you choose private school, even now high school can be what college was.

When I went to college, I was on a scholarship, but I think it was like 5,000 a year is what my scholarship was. Now it's, you know, whatever. But I can just say this looking back. It's like, oh my goodness, that school that our oldest went to that we dropped them off and cried. It was a co-op. It was an engineering school where you went to school three months, you went to a job and they all had great jobs because companies wanted these young. So it was like, he's paying three quarter of his college. My next son goes to Moody. Guess what? I don't know if you know this about Moody.

I do. They cover the tuition. I'm like, you're the bad. And then our sons, our third son got us football scholarship, but it's like all that anxiety, all those sleepless nights. Well, let me add this too, because this is kind of miraculous, but then that oldest son ended up transferring. He wanted to finish at a different university and it was a great decision for him. But again, we're like, Oh, how are we going to afford this? Now he's living off campus.

Yeah. He goes, he wants to live off campus. And again, I'm like, how much is that going to cost? And so we went up there and we walk around this apartment building. A lot of students live there and the owners of the apartment building literally walk into this room to show us. And they look at us and they go, David Wilson, what are you doing here?

I'm like, well, this is our son, CJ. He wants to rent this. So we go, we've been going to your church for 20 years.

I go, what do you mean? This is three hours from our home. He goes, well, we just, this is a rental property for us. And next thing you know, they call us and they go, Hey, we're going to just cop your son's rent. No way.

In different ways. That's amazing. Can you believe that? It was just a one year, but it was what a gift. What a gift. And maybe you're not going to get that kind, but God's got you. That's all we're trying to say to you as parents. I know the anxiety.

It's real. There's a God that's walking right beside you. What would you say is your anxiety points? I was going to say, I think a huge anxiety point for me is just the pain that our kids feel. Like when they're feeling something, whether it's tension with their friends or, you know, feeling left out or coaching, maybe the coach, I don't think the coach sees them for what they're trying to contribute or whatever it is. I feel those things so deeply.

It's sometimes it's like worse than if it was happening to me. And probably more deeply than my kids. Sometimes, you know, I think that's where I probably experienced the most anxiety as a parent when I'm feeling. And I think that in some ways, God made us that way. He made us as moms, for sure, maybe as dads too, I guess, to feel at some level what they're feeling. It gives us empathy for them. It allows us to know how to pray for them and come alongside them. But I think that's where I have to constantly come back to, okay, Lord, help me remember that you are using this and you're in this. And honestly, I mean, when I look back at things that they've weathered already, as much as I hate when they experience pain and I want to fix it for them, I know that that is the thing that shapes them. God uses the hard, painful things to show them who he is, to show them who they are and who he made them to be, if they will look for that.

It develops resilience that they're going to need. What's yours, David? Friendships were such a hard thing for me growing up. That is one area Meg kind of- That I can hardly believe.

You are such a good friend. Let's just say I heard at one point and I was grateful to hear it, you know, David, you don't want to ever peak in middle school. It doesn't work out good. I'm like, you know what? I'm taking that one forward.

So I'm glad I didn't peak in middle school. But I think one of the things that haunts me as they get a little older, that does worry me, I'm like, the parts I see ourselves in them and how our stories, like we're untangling our own stories of why we were the way we were and the way things we try to lunge after to have our identity in that wasn't Jesus. And so I'm like, oh man, that kid, they're just so over-involved. Oh, they're just like me. I passed that one down. Oh, this kid, there's fear around people. Oh man, that comes from me.

You know, that one's a perfectionist tortured soul. You know, like I know what that feels like. And it can be easy to start seeing yourselves in your own wounds that you've carried over. And sure, some of that probably is getting passed down, but I'm not going to enter in perfectly. But how do I enter into some of their pain? Pain and fear are a real part of life. And what we do with them ends up writing a lot of our stories and what ends up kind of controlling us, our false beliefs of where we end up sinning and where we over-function. And so when I see those glimpses so clearly in my kids' lives, there's a lot of burden and anxiety that heaps on. I can start heaping on in shame of like, Lord, I haven't processed for myself enough or what have I not processed with them? It's so obvious I've passed this on to them. But then he's like, Lord, help me. Help me know the pace.

Help me know how to enter in. But yeah, that really ties me up. Okay, mine is the fear of what they're being exposed to. Not just the peer pressures, but also the cultural mindsets of the day. And that used to really get me like, will they cave in, will they be able to stand, will they? And so, I mean, I think parents are really facing that way more than what we faced. But there's always, every generation has these things that, and then I'd work myself into this, like, well, what if they?

Have you guys done that? Like, well, what if they get in this relationship? What if they start partying?

What if they, when you go to that place, for me, it didn't do any good, zero. That's not something I struggled with when I was growing up. And I think it's because my parents created this atmosphere in our home that was fun. And I thought, this party feels so boring compared to, I wonder what my family's doing.

Interesting. Because they created this great atmosphere of joy, love, and really just fun. And so I think we forget how our homes can lure them back.

Oh, that's good. Make it a haven. Yeah, make it a haven that, man, oh, your home? I remember in high school, all their friends would come over and the kids would be over. I'm like, what are you guys doing here?

This is the best night ever. And then I'd try not to be in an open hall. I'd try to go upstairs. I'd try to leave, but still, I think we think that the world is much more alluring than homes that just love and care for people and see one another and see their friends. And I remember the boy saying, I want my friends to come to our house because you see them and they always want to come to our house because you ask them questions that nobody's asking them and you care about who they are.

And I thought, man, that's such a great compliment. Our kids' friends and maybe our kids are struggling with their identity, with the things they're facing, and we can be a haven. We can be that light in the lighthouse in our corner of the world where we want our kids' friends to come and our kids to be there.

Yeah, I can just, as you tear up saying that, it makes me miss the stage you guys are in. As hectic and as anxious as it can feel, those are special days to have the boys and their friends sitting around our kitchen table. Eating all the food in the house.

Eating all our food, drinking all our coke, and spending more of my money. They were precious days. Especially Ann had this vision of we can parent them, we can impact them, we can speak life into them. And I think you did that really, really well.

Thanks. We're going to hear more encouragement from everyone today. To you, maybe if you feel in this season that you're just kind of unseen. The Wilsons and the Robinses want you to know that they see you, and that's coming up in just a second. But first, I'm Shelby Abbott, and you've been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with David and Meg Robins on Family Life Today. You know, we want you to know that we are so grateful for you, especially if you are a partner with us here at Family Life Today. We want you to make your mark and be a part of Family Life's mission of impacting lives through Christian teaching and family support. It's the month of August, and our goal is to raise $250,000 in new funds by the end of this month to support Family Life's initiatives and to reach our fiscal year-end target. And really, we do that because we partner with people just like you who want to make every home a godly home. And if that's you and you want to hop in with us and join us and joyfully give to the mission of Family Life, you can do that by going online to familylifetoday.com or look for our link in the show notes, or you can feel free to give us a call with your donation at 800-358-6329. Again, that number is 800 F as in family, L as in life, and then the word today. Or feel free to drop your donation in the mail if you'd like.

Our address is Family Life 100 Lakehart Drive, Orlando, Florida 32832. Okay, if you feel unseen in this back-to-school season, here's some specific encouragement just for you. I think at this time of year, you can feel alone, especially if you have special circumstances that you're dealing with as a parent or a family. So we at Family Life, we just want to give a special shout out to those of you who have kids with any kind of learning disabilities, whether it's diagnosed or undiagnosed, like, well done, we see you, you've got this. And families with kids with disabilities, learning and physical disabilities, that's weighing on you and you're contemplating that, like, man, that is not easy, so way to go, we're cheering for you. And how about the teachers? I mean, I coached at the high school for 12 years and so I was around a lot of you teachers, you guys are heroes. From kindergarten to first grade through middle school, I don't know how you do it. High school, God bless you.

What a calling. We celebrate you, thank you for pouring into our kids. Also to moms out there and maybe dads too, but I know sometimes for me back to school can kind of reinforce this feeling of being tempted to look at other people and compare and feel like, man, things are so busy, I can't get it together, I'm already behind, I'm already putting junk in their lunch or whatever.

Or look how cute that kid's dressed up and my daughter's wearing her pajamas to school. It's okay, you're not alone in your survival. But just, I think I have to remind myself even for the more serious things where I feel like I'm dropping the ball or failing is that God's grace is for those moments and he sees me and he's with me and he covers over all of those things. And for you parents who are ready for your kids to go back to school and they've got it all lined up or homeschool parents as you're preparing, maybe you're like us, families in transition years, we have one going to college, one going into ninth grade. Maybe some of you have a kindergartener for the first time.

We at Family Life are praying for you and let's just pray right now real quick. Lord, thank you for the kids of those who are listening right now. Thank you that you know them and every hair on their head. You created them in the womb exactly who they were meant to be and that your story is being written on their lives. Thanks for the part we get to play as parents. God, lift our eyes to you. Let us surrender fully and speak life into our kids as we navigate this overwhelming season. Amen. Amen. Now coming up next week, Debra Felada is going to be joining David Ann Wilson to talk about the power of introspection and internal healing in order to see lasting change in our lives. That's next week. We hope you'll join us. On behalf of David Ann Wilson, I'm Shelby Abbott. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a donor-supported production of Family Life, a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.