Sacrificial Love Made Simple: Chad and Emily Van Dixhoorn

Am I like Christ, loving my spouse deeply, sacrificially, purposely, faithfully? That's what Christ did. So, am I loving her with all that I am and have?

Because that's how Christ has loved me. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at familylifetoday.com. This is Family Life Today. I remember on our honeymoon. Oh boy. We're going to our honeymoon. Yes, we were in Boston, staying at this gorgeous hotel, downtown Boston.

Cost a lot of money. But you were really overwhelmed our second night of marriage, and you actually cried, which I thought was so sweet because you said, I don't think I can do this. I don't think I know what it's like to be a husband, a man who walks with God.

I've never seen it. I don't know how I'm going to provide. I feel this weight.

I don't even know how to function. And I remember like that is, I have never thought that you carried that. You're so confident. And I thought, you've got all of this. I felt so confident in you as a man. And yet at the same time, I remember thinking, but we'll do it together. We'll do it together. But let me ask you, do you feel like you had this checklist as a man, as a man walking with God that you felt like I need to be this kind of godly man?

Yeah. I mean, it was two weeks after our first ever marriage conference that we went to as an engaged couple. And part of the conference that we now speak for, Family Life Weekend, remember, they laid out in the men's session, responsibilities of a husband and dad. You went to the wives' session. And I had never heard any of this before.

I didn't grow up in a Christian home, so I'd never seen it. Your dad was an alcoholic and cheated on your mom. I was in adultery and alcohol in a broken family. And now I'm married and I'm feeling like, okay, I just heard what I'm supposed to do and I can't do it. I'm scared to death and I'm just going to blow this thing up and let you down.

So, yeah, I remember just weeping. I think today is going to be fun because we're going to talk to Chad and Emily Van Dixhorn again about their book, Gospel Shaped Marriage, but even we've been talking for the last two days what this looks like. What does the gospel look like when it's applied to our marriages in our homes? And so we're going to get into this today and we're going to talk about maybe a list for husbands. Doesn't this sound exciting, women?

Like, here's the checklist for our husbands. We're not going to save one to you, though. Oh, yes, we are. We have to give the women one, too. But we'll save that.

Maybe we'll never get there. But Chad, in the book, you sort of list some things that's like a checklist for men. When I talk to men about this, I sort of think that way. I'm like, if you're like me, guys, you just tell me what to do. Just tell me what to do. But most men don't know what to do. They do not know. And so when you hear a checklist, like, okay, I'd like to hear that and consider it and figure out, can I?

How do I do this? So walk us through some of these. So let me back up and say a checklist is good, but you first need a model. And the Apostle Paul in Ephesians 5 gives two models. The one's very earthy, the other's pretty heavenly. The earthy one is love your wife like you love yourself. Every guy knows how to love himself. You spend time, you spend money, you think a lot about yourself. Taking that kind of effort, time, energy, creativity and applying it to your wife, that's this one model. You know, the way we love ourselves, even when something's wrong with ourselves is a great model. You know, if you've got a broken leg, you don't just say, oh, well, hack it off. You take care of it. You nurture it and so on. And so if your wife is broken, suffering, the weaker vessel, you know, sinning, whatever it is, you don't just say, oh, well, I'm going to upgrade. I'm going to look for something better. You say, you know, what do I do when I am defective, broken, you know, weak, whatever it might be? You take care of yourself. So that's the one model.

The other model is the heavenly one, right? Love your wife like Christ loves the church. And boy, that pitches it high. You know, if a wife thinks she's got a pretty tough job, that's, you know, as you were saying, Dave, that's pretty scary.

That's pretty intimidating. Yeah. And you know this.

I mean, even when you look at what Paul said in Ephesians 5, honestly, there's really one verse to the woman and the rest are to the husband, like 10 or 12. And all the guys I know are like, I know what she's supposed to do. She's supposed to submit. I'm like, do you know what you're supposed to do? Yeah. Oh, no, I never. It's most of the chapter, dude.

You better read it. And so when you think of a checklist, it's coming out of that context, right, out of Ephesians 5. And I guess I think in terms of sort of some diagnostic questions, when I want to say, am I loving my wife, that can be pretty abstract. Am I loving her as Christ loves the church?

More concrete, but still kind of abstract. And so, you know, some of the useful questions that I can ask myself, and don't ask myself regularly enough, but ask, you know, I'm working on this. And guys, let me just say, as you hear these, ask yourself. And I know it's going to be tempting for the wife to go, no, I'm going to ask him.

You know, it's not going to go as well if you ask him. This is for a guy to ask himself. So as we think about Christ's love for us, these are the kinds of questions that come to mind when I think about how I might love Emily better. Am I loving her with all that I am and all that I have? In other words, am I like Christ, loving my spouse deeply, sacrificially, purposely, faithfully? That's what Christ did. So, am I loving her with all that I am and have?

Because that's how Christ has loved me. That's the first question. Okay, I want to hear it, Emily. What would that look like for you? And it will be different for every wife, every woman.

But for Chad to do that, what could it look like? Well, I'll say even when we're just relaxed, watching TV, he will get up and get the ice cream. He will say, I'll get that for you.

I'll get that for you. He's ready to serve. So serving.

Yes. Packing up a suitcase sometimes for me. Rather humble tasks, but it's serving the need that he sees. And I want to point out that I am not telling him to do this.

This is only something that comes from God working in his heart. I think I'm coming off probably a little bit more generous and thoughtful than I really am, but thank you. That's a good question to ask your wives. What would it look like for me to love you in a way that you feel like he's giving me everything that he has? And I think for you, Dave, like when you sit across the table with me and look me straight in the eye and when I'm talking, you're interested. You know, you're not on your phone or and I told you this before, but when you come in the kitchen, if I'm making something and you'll be in there with me, partnering with me, I don't even care if you sit in the chair. But when you're in there with me, I feel like, oh, look at us.

We're a team. And so every woman would answer that in a different way. But I like the idea of the husband being an expert of what that looks like. Yeah, but I'd also add this because when you were saying that, Chad, I was thinking one of our stories, and I won't go into it because listeners have heard it. It's in our book, Vertical Marriage. It's in our small group. And whenever we speak, we tell this story and people are laughing their head off because it's so bad that we had this big conflict about a parking spot at our church.

And so long story, I won't get into it. But the gist of the conflict was at some point, and we got pretty heated in this conflict. So it went for a couple hours after we settled down.

Like we talked with you a couple days ago about walking away for a few moments when we came back together. I said to Ann, do you feel like my job and it was my job as a pastor. Do you feel like my job is more important to me than you are?

And she nodded her head. And it wasn't until that moment in the conflict that I thought, I was like, oh, I thought this was about this argument about this parking spot. This was never about this. It's like, you don't feel loved by me. So I think, Chad, when I hear that, it's like, man, all those things you said are really important as well. But for me in that moment, it's like the way to love her is to make what I say real. I say she's my priority. She wasn't. And I would have debated that when she said, your job as a pastor is more important.

The people at the church are more important because they get your heart more than I do. I would have said that is not true because I love you. But the fact that she said it meant it is true. And so I needed to shift my whole mindset to answer Chad's question, am I loving her with everything I had? I would have said, sure I am. But I think it's always, we got to go, honey, do you feel like? If they go, yes, you go, okay, I am. If they go, no, you go, then what does that look like?

Because obviously I think I am. And then that day she said, here's what it looks like. And I'm like, okay, you're right, I got to change. So that's a biggie for us guys.

I mean, we're called to love her as Christ loved the church, but we might not know how to do it. I think we know that. And it's not going to be perfect and change overnight.

And they're good from now on. Just like us, we all need that grace of knowing that we're going to fall, we're going to fail. But we're pursuing Jesus and we're pursuing each other. And when I give him ideas as to this is what it would look like, I am trying to set easy hopes for him to jump through.

Oh, that's good. I'm not going to ask him to sacrifice something that would pull him away from what I think God has called him to do. Or take me to Europe for three weeks. Yes, or something if you really love me. I'm more, and I'm not going to demand it all the time, just here are some ways that you can show me that you love me. And I'm not looking to see him fail.

I'm actually looking to see him succeed. Let's hear another one. So everything else is kind of a subset of the one big question, right? And so they're all kind of way further diagnostic questions, but really trying to get to the same place. So another one is, am I studying my wife?

And this dovetails with what Dave was saying a moment ago. Am I trying to understand her needs? Do I know her as a person? I've had some pretty epic fails with this one. I think we were married for how many years? We were married 11 years and he kindly offered me some orange juice.

And then he asked me, would you like some ice in your orange juice? And I thought, okay, it's about time I ask him this question. Love, how many times? How many years have we been married?

How many years have we been married? And he said, 11. I knew something was wrong right there. I said, have you offered me orange juice before? And he said, yes, about every day. Have I ever asked for ice in my orange juice? No. No, you've never wanted ice in your orange juice. And I'm like, yes, so I think it's about time you kind of know my drink preferences.

It's a safe example because it's a tame example. But there are bigger ways in which I've failed to study her and then that'll come out in a conversation. Something will reveal my appalling ignorance about something that even a half-decent husband would have clued into a long time ago. What do you know about Emily now? Yeah, see, that's the fun part of marriage is you know things about each other.

Oh, you're going to ask me on radio. So, I have found that Emily thrives when I'm kind to her. That's just something that she can go through really difficult circumstances when I'm kind to her. That's not always a given when I strive to do that. She also does so much better when she has some time in the Word with her friends, by herself or whatever, when she gets time to- But you don't say like, maybe you should go spend some time at the Word.

You look grumpy, go read your Bible. No, but in the back of my mind, I'm thinking, huh, I wonder if we're having guests over at a certain pace or kind of the delegation or arrangement of domestic duties is such that she just can't keep up with those things and spend time with the Lord very well. And then exercise, like I've come to know that she just thrives with smaller or larger bits of exercise, especially tennis. And then she also really does well if she gets enough sleep. She has this thing where she thinks she only needs a few hours of sleep, which works for like longer than most people and then the crash.

And so, she gets the sleep in the mix. So, it's really basic, but it took me a long time to say, oh, it's not this ingredient. It's not that ingredient.

Here's like a little package. It's not the cure-all. It's not the panacea. But it's something that's really helpful for her. It's kind of how she is sort of the component parts that she needs, fuel she needs for a better functioning life. And it is interesting, you know, when you said earlier, like love is just so general. So, you're trying to sort of define it a little bit for men. I think when we talk about this, I often say to guys, yeah, love, we say I love ice cream.

I love Jesus. So, I think the word that, and Paul uses it in Ephesians 5, is cherish. And when you look up that definition, it means you protect and you study and it's costly and it's beloved.

And so, it's like, man, men know how to study whatever they're into, whether it's golf or I'm a guitar guy, so I can tell you my guitars need to be in a humidified room. And then when you say, I cherish a guitar? Yeah. What would that look like to cherish your wife?

That's what you're saying, right? Study her, bring the best out of her, water, sunlight, whatever it is. I don't think guys want, they're like, she's good.

I just want her to be good, right? Rather than, no, this takes so much effort, but you would do that. Some guys are into cars, so they're protecting it and they're parking in certain spots and rubbing it down, the whole thing. It's like, what would that look like if your spouse felt like I am that important to him? He studies me and then he cares for me. And when you think about Christ's love for the church, he died for the church, he knows everything about his bride. He knows her and loves her and cherishes her.

That's a heavy calling for a man. And even knowing the timing of a certain kind of conversation. Like, oh, she's having her coffee right now and she doesn't like to be interrupted. This is her little relaxation. Her escape. Her little escape.

This is not the time. And it sometimes takes a surprisingly long amount of time to figure those things out. Yeah. I think this would be a great little action point for men. Of course, I'm coming up with this for men. But if you wrote her or text her, these are the things that I've learned about you over the years. And things that are good, like this, like I know you, there's something about when you feel like your husband knows you And sees you. And sees you and has recognized things that you even do.

Man, that's attractive. And it makes, for me, it makes tears come to my eyes, just thinking of like he, out of the whole world, he's seen the worst in me and yet he knows me and is willing to serve me. That's beautiful gospel life.

That's the gospel, yeah. So I guess another thing on this list and really the most important orientation as you get to study your wife, asking how that informs my prayers. And so I pray for Emily based on that knowledge I have of her, that growing knowledge. But then once I was at a conference and Emily explained how she prays for me and I was just stunned and grateful. What does that look like, Emily?

So yes, we are in a very privileged place as spouses that you do see so much of the other person. And what are you gonna do with that intel that you have? Are you gonna use it to condemn them? To win an argument against them? Or are you gonna use it to pray for them?

Because you see what they need. We might be tempted at some times to sort of give our spouse an instruction sheet in order to try and change our spouse, saying this is what you should be doing. Bring that instruction sheet to the Lord. The Lord says, pray according to my will and I hear you and I'll do it. So that's where I have confidence is in all the things I want for him, I go to the Lord.

And I want a lot for him. I can't fit it all in one day. So I've spread it across the whole week and I've organized it so it's just in my mind. I can remember it. Partly because of the first letter of each day of the week, partly because of the order of the relationships he has.

And I'll explain. Sunday, most important relationship is his relationship with God. So I pray for him as a child of God that he would know all the blessings and privileges of being a child of God. That he'd be honest with the Lord, that he'd be growing in the Lord.

That's Sunday. Monday, as a spouse, as a husband, pray for him with all the commands in mind. For husbands, I pray for myself as a wife. It helps us get specific in our prayers so that we can see the answers.

We can see God at work when we're specific. Tuesday, as a father, I pray for myself as a mother. Pray that he would love the kids, discipline the kids well, bond with the kids, have common interests, all of that. Next relationship, he's a worker. Wednesday, W, worker. Pray for God to bless his work.

He's also a writer. Pray that he'd bless his writing. Pray for good relationships with his boss, with his colleagues, with those who he works with. So we can, again, get really specific. Thursday, I take the H in Thursday because I've already used the T for training your children on Tuesday.

Take the H on Thursday. Pray for his health. There's always health issues to pray for. Also pray for a thankful heart for him because we all need help. So heart or health? Heart and health, right. Thank you.

I like it. Friday, pray for friendships. Don't we know friendships are such a treasure?

They make a huge difference in our lives and sometimes they can be hard to find and hard to develop and we don't want to take them for granted. So pray for good friends. The Lord has answered that prayer for us.

It can take years. These are prayers that you do over the whole course of your marriage. And then Saturday, as stewards, that we would be good stewards of our finances because God cares how we use our money, of our talents, pray that God would give us talents, that we'd use them for his glory, and stewards of the gospel, that God would give him gifts to share the gospel. Yeah, Chad, what does it make you feel? Well, the first time I heard that, I was not dry-eyed. I just thought, wow, I know she prays for me, but just the thoughtfulness, the productive granularity to some of these petitions is just so deeply moving to me.

And, you know, eventually I've basically copied this. We have other things we pray for in those days, but now I have something that makes sense to me, praying for Emily on each day of the week and, you know, learning from her. My prayers are much deeper than they used to be for her and, boy, you should see the change. Well, you guys pray together?

Yes. We do. It's very important to pray together. Sometimes there are short times of prayer. We do have family devotions. Okay, when we first got married, I was so energized here. So we'd translate a passage out of Greek and Hebrew because we were newly married. Wait, you did this together? Yeah, we did this together. Because we were in seminary.

We'd start this at 1030 at night. Well, you both have many degrees, so I'm not surprised by this. Then we'd memorize a part of scripture, and we'd read a part of scripture, and we'd read a commentary on that, and then we'd memorize some classic statement of the Christian faith together, and then we'd do prayer requests, and eventually Emily kind of waved the white flag.

She's like, this is really not working. No, we just prayed. This sort of got diminished over the years. Now we pray together every night.

It reduced to smaller. How about just a proverb? Especially when each child came. Yeah, that's right. So it adapts. We definitely believe that there are a lot of options how to spend a little time in the Word together and a little time in prayer together. And then we also pray together and read a part of the Bible together as a family. So there's the individual family after dinner and then together when we go to bed.

It's not rigid. This does not happen every single day, but it is the general pattern. Well, the praying together happens every day.

It's the family thing that sometimes gets moved around by, you know, movie night or something like that. Things come up. But a real joy is then seeing the answers to prayer. Amen. Yeah. And I was teasing earlier when I said, you know, you should see the change in her now that I started to pray for her, but yeah. Well, I do see answers and it's exciting.

Yeah. Amen. Then connected to the prayer thing is this other heart question, which I thought I needed to ask myself. What am I aiming for in my prayers? So you hear all the different things we pray for, but am I really praying for her or am I hoping that God will change her for my convenience?

Good question. I thought about the praying part of this and then I thought, wait a minute, even when I pray for her, I'm sometimes really just praying for my own convenience rather than out of love for her. And so that was just kind of another sort of diagnostic question, if you will, about where my heart is with her. I had a friend that every single Bible study, she's like, pray that my husband comes to know Jesus. Pray my husband comes to know Jesus. So we're all vigilant in praying for this man.

He was a friend of Dave's actually. And so sure enough, he gives his life to Christ and she's still not happy. She thought him coming to know Jesus would change everything. Her prayer is exactly what you're saying, Chad.

It was for her convenience. If he comes to Christ, my life will be better, which is generally true, but it also takes a while. But in the meantime, when we're only looking at our spouse thinking if he would change, I would be happy, that's not true. And so often we are the ones that when we put our eyes on ourselves and ask God, like, how do I need to change?

How can I love him whether he changes or not? I like the self-analysis of that. Am I praying for her to get what I want or that it's for her general good will?

Yeah. And then sort of in a sense, this is compatible, but thinking a little bit in reverse when it comes to Bible study. When I study the Bible, am I also asking how I can make the Bible come alive? When I'm studying God's truths, when I'm reading the Bible in the morning, God's promises or whatever it might be, am I also thinking to myself, how might I use that to enrich our family life, our conversations? In other words, am I just kind of coming to the dinner table and then opening up the Bible afterwards and just expecting pure genius to come out? Or am I actually thinking ahead of time, what might be a blessing to my wife and children? And so, am I trying to be a little mini theologian, a little mini Bible expert? Principally, so I might love the Lord better and the overflow of that love and relationship will bless others, but also actually deliberately thinking, how might I bless my family as a Christian man, as a husband and father?

And so that's another question I'm asking, because I can get super lazy there. Emily, will you close by praying for our listeners that maybe are listening and they're wrapping their heads around this thinking, maybe have listened for the last three days, just pray for them. Sure. Father in heaven, we praise your name that you are a holy God, you are a wise God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. I lift up the listeners to you that all would know that your eyes are upon them, that you have light for them in your word. You have light for them about marriage in your word, that they would know that Jesus is gracious, that they would know Jesus is for them, that they would look to him as their guide and that they would show his love in their lives, we pray in Jesus' name, amen. Jesus is for you. Jesus is for your marriage. May he show his love to you and your spouse within the context of your marriage today, so look for it.

Look for it. Look for evidence of the Lord's grace in your relationship with your spouse, in your marriage today, because you're probably going to find it if you go looking for it. I'm Shelby Abbott, and you've been listening to Dave and Anne Wilson with Chad and Emily Van Dixhorn on Family Life Today. Chad and Emily have written a book called Gospel Shaped Marriage, Grace for Sinners to Love Like Saints. This book really helps you to understand how Christ empowers and calls couples to cultivate a loving and supportive marriage grounded in biblical principles and practical wisdom.

You can get your copy right now of Gospel Shaped Marriage by going online to familylifetoday.com in the show notes, or feel free to give us a call. Our number is 800-358-6329. Again, the number is 800-F as in Family, L as in Life, and then the word today. Now, coming up tomorrow, guess what? It's back to school season.

That's right, and that can be stressful for kids and for parents. Well, tomorrow David and Meg Robbins, our very own, are going to be with the Wilsons to talk about overcoming fears and embracing the joys of parenting. That's coming up tomorrow. We hope you'll join us. On behalf of David and Anne Wilson, I'm Shelby Abbott. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a donor-supported production of Family Life, a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.