Conquering the Anxiety Monster: Sissy Goff

I'm so much angrier.

When I'm sad, when I'm worried about something and I'm not talking about it, it really, I think, almost always comes out as anger. And I don't mean for it to and it breaks my heart that that's what happens, but it it happens. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Shelby Abbott and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson.

You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is Family Life Today. So how many nights do you think you you could not sleep as a parent? Even as a grandparent. How many sleepless nights?

I'm sad to say so many. When they were little I would fall asleep thinking of all the things I did wrong that day. When they were teens I would fall asleep wondering what things they could be doing wrong. And now with adult kids, now I fall asleep recounting and worrying over all the things I did do wrong while they were growing up and how it might be affecting them today.

Isn't that terrible? Do you worry about anything? Yeah, I worry about money.

I mean when I think about sleepless nights it's usually connected. Back then it was paying for college, you know, preparing them for the future. Now it's grandkids and how much money we're spending at Christmas. You mean how much money I'm spending on them? I didn't want to say it that way.

I'm glad you spend something because I don't think I'd spend anything. But anyway, we're here to talk with Cissy Goff about parents that worry because that's us and I think that's almost every parent. I would guess every listener has something they worry about. You can relate to exactly what you said. Do you think so?

Yes, yes, and it makes me sad. I didn't know you back then. You could have helped me. Well you're gonna help me today. You're gonna help a lot of people. Your new book is called The Worry-Free Parent and I like the subtitle because it's called Living in Confidence So Your Kids Can Too.

And that's what we want, Cissy. Share with our listeners a little bit. You've been on before.

Yes. You've written several books but share a little bit about what you do. So on a daily basis I'm counseling out of a little yellow house. It's not so little anymore I shouldn't say but we have a white picket fence in the middle of Nashville, Tennessee where we have currently I think 2,000 families that are in counseling.

Wow. With 13 of us, 13 adult human staff members, counselors and we have five dogs on staff who are so many of the kids favorite therapists and it's just a really sweet place and community to get to work every day and 30 years there and out of that I do I get to write and speak and podcast and some of those things. The last I told Cissy this already Dave but I told her that the last time she was on I told our daughter-in-law and son about your material and so she started going through it with her then seven-year-old our granddaughter and one of the things that Olive said was I wish I could go to the yellow house with the picket fence and meet this lady. So sweet because she said that because your material helped her so much and what was your last book called?

The one for her age was called braver stronger smarter yeah because girls are twice as likely as boys to deal with anxiety although boys are taken in for help more which is fascinating to me and the average age of onset used to be eight and now we're seeing it drop to seven with signs really much younger than that. So why this book? This time you're in the parents world. I know I've never done this before I mean I've obviously written a lot of books for parents but it's always been about their kids. I'm sitting with two types of parents a lot one is parents who say when I say tell me about your family history and even when you know when you sit with somebody really anxious it's palpable in the room you can start to kind of absorb it yourself so I'll even sit with parents that I can tell they're really anxious and I'll say well tell me about your family history and they'll say well I don't have a clue and they haven't been in counseling their parents weren't in counseling they haven't been talking about feelings and as much as they want to help their kids they don't understand themselves and so I think wanting to help those parents certainly and I think it comes out in ways when we don't understand it when we don't do the work it comes out sideways and kids do start to absorb it even though we would never intend for them to and then the parents who do say I'm really anxious and I'm aware of it and I think I'm making things harder for them help and so it was really for all of those parents that I thought I'm ready to I don't want to say go to the source because if you're anxious that's always the source but I think go to the source in that the biggest agent of change in your child's life is not someone like me as a therapist it's you as a parent and so if you can do the work and even do the work in front of them where they're watching you hearing you we talk all the time about kids learn more from observation than information so when they're watching you do the work it it normalizes it for them it helps their understanding of grace even if my parents fail too and I can do that and and I'm okay because kids and parents are such perfectionists right now I've never seen it as rampant as it is today so you're seeing it more than ever more than ever hmm really in the last two to three years and Dave you'll probably have something to on this but when you say let your kids see you do the work yes what's that what do you mean what's that look like well I think it's the difference between feeling your feelings and doing your work and really with anxiety I think talking about our feelings is so important because one of the things I've learned over the years that is really interesting to me is I mean I don't know how many thousands of kids I've seen now who have anxiety but they're they have a few things in common my guess is this is true about all if they're really bright they're really conscientious they try so hard they care so much it's these beautiful parts of who God made them to be and it's hard to turn the volume down on all the caring hmm the same is true for parents anxious parents are trying so hard to get it right I had a mom say to me it's like I'm trying so hard to be a good parent that I'm not even parenting and I think it feels like that so much of the time and so doing the work is starting to acknowledge our feelings and when we're not doing that I think all of our feelings kind of morph into anxiety that's how it lives in our bodies because we're trying hard and being kind and doing all those things we're not saying hey that made me angry or I felt disappointed when and neither are kids which is why anxious kids are so compliant and sweet until they're at home and then they explode at home but that's part of the deal is because they're trying so hard and so I think when we can talk about share feelings together not process our feelings in front of them where they're hearing all the ins and outs but we can say I felt sad today when blank happened and then we keep moving that's a part of it and then when we can use healthy coping strategies in front of them you know I felt really sad today and so I needed to go right in my journal or I started to feel worried and I talked back to that worry monster and I told him to leave me alone because I'm capable of doing this that's good because you know I mean we didn't grow up with parents who were talking about feelings certainly modeling healthy coping strategies and how different our lives would have been you know if we had and so what a gift to those kids and their life today and in their marriages and in their own parenting in their own relationships as they move forward I mean that's such good advice I think so often as a parent especially as a man as a dad we don't want to get in touch with our feelings some guys are listening on I'm not gonna bring up I was worried today or I felt sad today at work I just deal with it internally and we think we're dealing with it and we're not I mean one thing that jumped off the page of your book immediately to me because you break it into the past the present in the future is how if I'm a worried parent my kids I think it was seven times more likely to be worried kids yes that's scary we got to do the work I know you know it's to see this was so sad I haven't even told my son this but our youngest son was preaching at a church a couple Sundays ago and he mentioned he said some really nice things about it was about legacy but he did say when I got in my car to leave and travel across the country to go to this new school and this was me because I said he said my parents said be careful and I said that be careful hon and he said you know what I wanted her to say he didn't say she I knew it was me because I'm the one that did this I wanted her to say you got this you're gonna kill it you're gonna be amazing I've been thinking about it for the last two weeks but how many times as parents are we warning our kids be careful be careful instead of he said somebody else had told them man you are really good you got this Dave you probably have done that way more than I have but I'm like what's in me that's the older I get sometimes I think it's worse now yes and so I thought that would have been a gift that we could give to our kids to say man you've got this that's beautiful do you think other parents feel that oh absolutely absolutely I have a friend who said I wish when I was growing up my mom had said you got this more than let me get this for you so it's both that I mean I think we're not speaking fear that's not what that is you're cautious and of course you care this is the most important thing in the world to you and so you want him to be careful but he hears it as hmm I don't know if you can do it so watch out for everything right yes and I think it's worth noting that when you started that sentence you said he said some really sweet things about the legacy hmm and that's what's been after you for oh yeah that's an inner part of wants to get better like yeah and that we're so critical of ourselves I think that's part of what's going on for parents today she's analyzing because I thought oh I wanted to hear the things you did right and it makes us more anxious yes you know yeah I mean if I think anybody that was great at let's talk about our feelings I'm looking at her you were phenomenal where again some of its process in my family of origin brokenness but you know two alcoholic parents and a divorce and then the death of my brother all in like one year when I was seven years old yes we never ever talked about it even my little brother died my best friend and I don't think we had a conversation sorry and so you know and I get married and I'm conflict happens and I tend to pull away again I'm never connecting these dots but she was like we got to talk we got to talk and then as we were raising our boys like we got to teach them how to do that but how does a parent that was sort of like me that didn't walk that road didn't have that journey now he's a dad and he's hearing somebody like you who's an expert saying you can't talk about your feelings you got a processes and help your kids do that how do we start cuz first of all we're scared second we're like I've never done this I'm not sure what to do I'm just gonna go watch the game yeah you know it's just total escapism right but that's where a lot of parents live rather than going okay I gotta have it is it courage because part of it's like I gotta have the courage to say I'm gonna step into somewhere I don't know where it's gonna go I've never done this before but I know it's the right thing to do is that where we started I mean how do we start I think I would definitely say courage it takes a lot of courage to start to talk about our feelings I did not talk about my feelings at all until I was 22 my parents divorced and I moved to Nashville and got in counseling for the first time and I remember feeling like someone I don't know took off all of my skin and every I mean it just feel exposed yes it's awful when you start but it's so good part of what I want this book to be is when you're not talking about it there are secrets inside of you shame might be a better word for the ways that those feelings are impacting you not that this was true about you but I'm hearing more parents talk about losing it with their kids than I've ever heard getting really angry and I'm I'm so grateful that they can behind the closed confidential doors of a counseling office so much of that is because we never talked about our feelings and so it comes out as anger and I'm trying to say to worry parents as much as I can you're angry not because you're a bad parent but because you're worried you're anxious like you're screaming trying to get out of the door at your kids on the way to school because you realize he's already had four tardies the fifth tardy means he has to go to Saturday school you know there's a birthday party and so you find yourself screaming because you want good for him but the deliveries off you know and so we've got to back up and do something different I just feel like parents have more shame than ever before and I really believe when we can talk about our feelings in healthy appropriate ways we're preventing anger we're preventing us from having this anxiety that then makes us say be careful or stepping in and fixing it for them so if for no other reason you would do the work then you don't want your kids to experience what happens when you're not processing your emotions at a mom one time who told her daughter either you process your feelings or your feelings will process you hmm that's good I know and that's what we're talking about I'm so much angrier when I'm sad when I'm worried about something and I'm not talking about it it really I think almost always comes out as anchor hmm and I don't mean for it to and it breaks my heart that that's what happens but it it happens I'm thinking about when our kids were little and I would yelling and I thought never yelled in my life yes when that goes off when you get angry should that be like an alarm going off like go deeper down inside that's a beautiful way to say that I mean I had it was back in that same time but I was fixing our dryer mm-hmm and this is in a slab basement not finished you know just it was a rec room where our kids we had balls hanging and ropes hanging from the anyway and I'm a mr. cheapo so I'm like I'm not hiring some dude I can figure this out so I have a whole dryer torn apart I'm laying underneath lint everywhere and I was reattaching this belt and I'm all proud that I can do this right say I'm impressed yeah and so I'm laying in there and I have this Phillips head screwdriver and I'm just trying to get this little screw way in the back of the dryer and CJ our oldest how old six years old maybe probably maybe four yeah he's very little comes down and he to this day is an engineer he works in the IT world wired that way so he's like dad can I help yeah man get down here so he's literally laying in this lint we're both horizontal on this slab floor and he reaches in and I say here just take this you know student so he's trying to screw it in but you know he's just not coordinated enough couldn't really reach it but I had this thought in the moment cuz I put my hand around him I had this thought this is beautiful moment dad's big manly hand little boy's hand I never had this is you know with my dad I've never had in that moment this next second sissy I go from this tender moment to he's trying to do it and keeps his screwdriver keeps going off the thing I'm like CJ just CJ see ya next thing I know I'm like really angry mmm and I'm like sort of grabbing it out of there and I all I know is I finished the job and I feel this little body get up and go up the steps and I'm laying there was like this epiphany I'm like my anger just pushed away a five-year-old I remember laying there going I've got to find out what the source of this is and it was that moment like I didn't realize I'm giving a gift to my child if I do this credible but it wasn't I was frustrated with a screwdriver it was deeper it was connected I say it's like it's plugged in and you say in your book what are your takeaways if we don't deal with our stuff it'll pass on if we do deal with our stuff you say it's one of the greatest gifts we can give our kids absolutely is that what you're talking yes that is exactly what I'm talking about that is a beautiful picture yeah I mean it wasn't that day I love these takeaways you have a lot of worry-free takeaways in your book tell us about this all of us need to hear truth but especially those of us who worry I mean well I mean one of the things from a cognitive behavioral therapy standpoint which is kind of the gold standard for working with anxiety is we I think in the secular world we would call mantras we can still call them mantras for sure but we would have sayings that we go back to that we say to ourselves over and over that's kind of something we anchor ourselves to and I think when we can do that with truth when we can do that with scripture it's not only anchoring ourselves to something but it transforms us and the importance of that is because what happens I'm gonna get sciency for a minute okay let's do it when we get anxious I feel like we probably talked about this last time I was here our brain literally the blood flow in our brain shifts and it leaves the prefrontal cortex which helps us think rationally and manage our emotions and it goes to the amygdala that's the fight-or-flight region of our brain which is why you're having trouble with the screwdriver and all of a sudden you find yourself really frustrated and yelling and so you move into flight fight or you move into flight whichever and sometimes freeze and when we can slow our bodies back down when we can calm ourselves down and truth is one of the ways we want to do that our blood vessels dilate again shifts the blood flow back to the prefrontal cortex and we can get to a rational place but we've got to calm our bodies down first but what happens is we've developed these well-worn pathways in our brain these neural pathways so the more often the amygdala gets triggered the more likely it is to get triggered it actually enlarges and develops a hair trigger response so it's like a faulty alarm system in your house you don't know when to trust it and so the same is true for our brains and it starts to lie to us hmm and where are you makes us perceive problems that aren't even there makes us feel like I wonder if he could get in a car accident driving across the country to what's or maybe somebody's not gonna be kind to him in his new church or maybe you know we can start to go we start to forecast all the things that we feel like might go wrong because literally our brain has changed oh that's a good way to say it too I we start to forecast yes we create this whole scenario yes of what could happen exactly hmm yeah let me ask you as a listener how would they know if they have anxiety I don't think I have it what are the science symptoms I have a whole series of questions in the beginning of the book about are your shoulders hunched up around your neck do you find yourself having these intrusive thoughts so anxiety really can take two pathways one is through the amygdala and that type of anxiety is just lightning strikes and we think it hit my house you know it's something that just happens in a fraction of a second and it impacts our bodies first but there's also cortex based anxiety with the cortex we really think ourselves into a more fearful space and so I'm laying in bed and I hear something and I think well that sounded weird I think that was a man outside man oh no I think he's on my porch and then all of a sudden you have this whole scenario that you've created and you actually have used your cortex the thinking part of your brain to scare your amygdala and so now your thoughts are on board in your body's on board so it impacts us in both places but I think if you regularly feel like you're having headaches or tummy aches and you don't know why you feel like your body's tense in a lot of moments after I've been anxious my legs are tired like I've been running which is fascinating really yeah I mean it just impacts all of us different ways or if you have I mean one of the primary ways I think we recognize it are with kids I call it the one loop roller coaster at the fair if you have thoughts that are worst-case scenario thoughts I really failed in that thoughts if we have anxiety the thought comes in and it is an intrusive thought if we don't have anxiety the thought comes in and it goes right back out if we're anxious the thought comes in and it goes around and around and around and I think part of the danger of parenting is we feel like we're helping or we feel like we're problem-solving yeah when you're laying in bed thinking through all those things without realizing I'm just looping and it's only making me feel worse mmm I think the first time I realized that when my sister was diagnosed with lung cancer and in the past I had always done that I was always looping what am I gonna do what's the plan which we do in the future and I remember at one point as the scripture talks about taking your thoughts captive and even Romans 12 2 of not being conformed by the world but being transformed by the renewing of our minds I remember thinking it's not doing any good the more I cycle around this it's not helping and so I remember in my mind handing all of it to Jesus just a picture in my mind here Lord I just can't carry it anymore and I began it was the first time I began deciding purposely I will not think about that because it's not doing any good it's the first way to go that's beautiful yes yes yeah I feel like you do that quite a bit I think that was the beginning of the process of learning not to because I thought it was thinking ahead and planning yeah before what I realized is no this worry is doing nothing good for me and that's where I love that idea of taking thoughts captive and that you were doing that that you were thinking I'm not gonna think this thought anymore and then we need to replace it oh that's good how do you do that well truth I mean I think we can have a scripture yes I love breath prayers hmm where we could say I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me and we start with I can do all things as we breathe in slowly and then breathe out through Christ who strengthens me you know whatever verse we want to pick we breathe in and say the first half and breathe out and say the second half anything like that again we're calming our bodies so our amygdala is getting offline in a good way we're getting our thinking brain back online and we're anchoring ourselves to truth or I think even flipping the thought and thinking I just yelled at my son trying to get out the door because I'm a good parent it's because I want good things for him you know that we flip it we were doing a lot of parenting seminars on this content we talk about stop drop and flip the thought oh easy way to remember it and you said I mean stopping that thought and letting go of it but then flipping it to something positive hmm stop drop and flip the thought that'll preach I find you know we've been quoting different scriptures and we probably know all the ones that yeah we think of like Philippians 4 6 don't be anxious or don't worry about anything that's sort of the breathe in yes but in every blood and everything yes pray request and the peace of God replaces it yes hmm does that work for a parent in the middle of anxiety yes yes I think it absolutely does and you know what's interesting is if we keep doing that deep breathing we can shrink our amygdala again oh so we're actually resetting and creating new calmer neural pathways so this truth and what we know to be true scripturally also meets science and it changes everything it transforms us we'll be back in just a second with a few thoughts from an about adult kids and worrying but first I remember my doctor telling me one time that stress and anxiety would drastically affect me in the physical realm if I didn't proactively deal with it because I used to struggle a ton with anxiety I still do but it used to be a lot worse for me there is legitimate and profound overlap between the worlds of the mind and the body so when we're riddled with anxiety when we're worried constantly it's going to manifest in our physical deterioration so taking the struggle to God is the absolute best thing we can do amongst other practical tools that sissy goth has helped us with today I'm Shelby Abbott and you've been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with sissy goth on family life today says he has written a book called the worry-free parent living in confidence so your kids can too in a world right now of constant anxiety that infiltrates families how can we offer our kids a beacon of hope and how can we experience hope and be equipped with practical tools to help break the cycle of worry in our lives well this book talks about that and is enormous help if you're a parent who is prone to worry this book is gonna be our gift to you when you partner with us today at family life you can get your copy right now with any donation that you make just simply go online to family life today dot-com and click on the donate now button at the top of the page or you can give us a call with your donation at 800 358 6329 again that number is 800 F as in family L as in life and then the word today or you could feel free to drop us a donation in the mail if you'd like our address is family life 100 Lakehart Drive Orlando Florida 3 2 8 3 2 alright let's hear more from Ann about worry and parenting her adult children you would think that with adult kids you'd stop worrying things are great we don't need to worry anymore I'm finding myself in a whole new phase of because I have no control now I'm worrying because I have nothing I my words they mean nothing and then I try to manipulate a situation but I think that's really good of realizing there is a God in heaven who hears every prayer as it says he'll guard your heart isn't it interesting your heart and your mind yeah Christ Jesus and I've come to that realization like I don't want to build that muscle the negative what is it that a girl pathway yeah yeah yeah and that to me it's like building that muscle which one's stronger let's not build that one but let's keep giving things over to Jesus you know many of us as parents really do struggle with constant anxiety about our kids we're worried and I've even heard mothers say hey I'm a mom it's my job to worry but is it is it your job to worry we're gonna talk tomorrow about building resilience and finding hope as we face our worries as parents sissy goth will be back with David and Wilson tomorrow to talk about just that we hope you'll join us on behalf of David and Wilson I'm Shelby Abbott we'll see you back next time for another edition of family life today family life today is a donor supported production of family life a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most