Untangling Your Faith–with the Questions Jesus Asked: Amberly Neese

I think we all are very familiar with the verse that says, I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. But what we don't think through is he doesn't say, I'm going to let you know the plans I have for you, right? He says, I know them. And if we really know who he is, if we've really spent the time and we've invested in fostering a relationship with him, searching for him like hidden treasure, right?

If we've done those things, then when he says, I know the plans I have for you, that's enough. Welcome to Family Life Today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Shelby Abbott and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson.

You can find us at familylifetoday.com or on the Family Life app. This is Family Life Today. So today we get to ask some questions and there's nobody on the planet asks better questions than you. Why would you say that? Well, there is one person that asks better questions than you. His name is Jesus. But no, seriously, there's no one like you. That's nice of you.

Whether it's in an airport with a total stranger or people in our neighborhood or friends come over, you are not about you. You are about them and you ask questions and you draw them out. I think that's one of the reasons we're so drawn to this Bible study that we're going to talk about today.

Yeah, what is it? It's called Untangling Faith, Reclaiming Hope in the Questions Jesus Asked, and we have Amberley Niese with us today. Yes, and I'm so excited to be here, but I want to just take a minute. That is high praise to say that somebody is a good question asker. Isn't that sweet of him to say? That was very, very kind. So I don't know how many husband points he gets, but he deserves all of the points.

He always gets all the points. I should get 50. I think 50, yeah.

I think 50 is good. But you know how it works? You know how it works, right, Amberley? You're married. I mean, you know how it works.

At least us husbands, we think it's like this. I do that, I get one point. I take you to Mexico for two weeks, I get one point. It's just the way it works. You know what?

I don't know if whoever said that, it wasn't you, but that is not true. That Mexico trip, that's like a thousand points. Yeah, that was pretty cool.

That was pretty great. My problem is, though, that I feel like I'm pretty equitable when it comes to giving out points in my mind, but then he doesn't pick up his socks, and then I'm like, doo. Oh, we're at minus five. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Well, Amberley, we're going to talk about untangling faith, and I set that up because so much of this book's about the questions that Jesus asks. Absolutely.

But before we get there, our listeners can already tell. You are full of humor. You travel the country many weekends a month. I do. And do what? I know you do humor, but what else? So I do Women's Retreats.

I definitely am a speaker, but I tour with two national tours with comedy, Aspire Women's Events and the Marriage Date Night Tour. And I'm able to share comedy and laughter with couples and ladies and love doing that. And hopefully they see Jesus in all of that, but I love, love, love to do that. But I also love doing Women's Retreats and diving into God's Word with ladies.

That's such a blessing. And you love Bible study. You love teaching it. I do. You love digging into the scriptures. I do.

I do, I do. And I did not think that that was going to be my jam. I mean, like, I loved God's Word, but at least when I was young, the ladies in my life that could do that, I just like, oh. You know, like, there's no way I could ever do that. And fortunately, God uses the ill-equipped and does great things despite them. So, I'm excited about that.

Share with our listeners the first time you started teaching. Yeah. Because it wasn't something you were anticipating. No.

No. So, when Scott and I were first married, our very first call was like two weeks after we got married. And we got called to a church in Garden Grove, California, and the pastor was divorced. So, he and my husband were the only full-time people on staff. So, with 12 days of marriage under my belt, you know, the vast experience as a married woman that I had, I became the pastor's wife on staff.

I mean, like, the go-to. And in our denomination, you either play the piano or you teach Bible study. And I can warm you up vocally.

I can, you know, I can have you do scales, but that's all I've got. So, Bible study it was. And so, I started teaching. There were these women who had so much mileage on their spiritual vehicles. They just were so wise in the faith.

And here I was so green and so new to teaching. And they were patient. And then they had, they wanted to put a women's retreat together. And they asked me if I would be willing to do it. And I thought, I'm not sure I'm up for the task. And they said, that's okay. We don't have anything to pay you.

So, you'll be worth whatever we're going to pay you, which is zippity von doodah. And I loved it. I loved the diving into God's word and looking at a particular topic.

I loved really doing some deep diving. The whole process was so fantastic. And at the end of the weekend, I came home and I was so emotional. It was such a gift. I know that's shocking.

Sometimes women's retreats. It's like, give them a little bit of Jesus and a lot of tissues. Because we do have a tendency to get emotional. But I came home and I just told him, I was really overwhelmed. And I tried to articulate what I was feeling. And I said, you know, like, did you ever watch Chariots of Fire? When Eric Little says when he runs, he feels God's pleasure.

And my husband's like, you want to start running? And I'm like, no. Oh, my goodness, no. Get behind me, Satan. No, that is not what I want to do. I said, but I felt like I was doing what God wanted me to do.

That I was in the right place in the universe. And he said, well, how can I help? And I said, I don't know. I don't even know where to get started. How sweet of him to ask that question.

How can I help? That got him some points. Zillion.

Zillions of points. I mean, I feel really thankful. I really feel so fortunate that my husband is as clear about my call as I am.

And my kids as well. So I feel really, really thankful for that. Why this Bible study? When you say reclaiming hope in the questions Jesus asked, what's that mean? That's a great question.

And I will say this. I have lots of people in my life who are deconstructing their faith. I have lots of friends who are loving their kids and grandkids through jumping off of the faith bus.

I mean, they just are really struggling. And I wanted to practically look at what that looks like and how to give hope to people when it comes to that. So most Bible studies that I've done, they're written for the sweet church lady who needs encouragement and hope in her heart and all those things. But I wanted to write a study for those that were saying, I am beseeching the Lord on behalf of somebody who's struggling or who's leaving the faith, who's struggling in their faith or leaving their faith.

I want practical, tactile things that I can do to provide hope. And all of my studies, I look from a certain vantage point. And this one is unlike any of them. The six-week study every single day is a different question that Jesus asked. Not an answer like, tie it up in a pretty little bow and everybody's happy and there's a soundtrack that begins.

We don't break into Oklahoma halfway through the study. It is an unpacking of the questions Jesus asked. And Jesus really only answered straight out two questions in the Bible. The rest, he often would respond to a question with a question. And God did the same in the Old Testament.

Totally. Over 300 questions in the New Testament that Jesus asked. And what I think is interesting about that is that we teach kids to be like Jesus.

Like, this is how you deal with people and this is how you handle this and this is how you do whatever. But we rarely give them permission to ask questions and to embrace the power of what those can be. Questions can be holy beginnings of journeys. Why do we do that as parents? What do you think is behind that? I think we like the stability of right.

Right? This is the way that it is and I think that there's a little bit of vulnerability. I don't know about you guys, but there's vulnerability in allowing kids to struggle and muddle through and to do all those kind of things. And so I think we do the same thing in church. I've never heard a sermon where they said, ask as many questions and be okay with sitting in uncertainty. Never. And questions take time.

They do. It's like you're, now you're in a conversation where you just tell your kids, hey, do this and this is what you should do. It's just a quick, but there was a reason why Jesus asked questions. Actually, even yesterday, I was talking to one of our kids and after reading your book, your Bible study, I asked him.

He was going into this hard meeting and these hard things to say to somebody that he's employing. And I said, you know what might be really helpful is start by asking, just ask questions. That's what Jesus did. So thank you for giving that to me so I could pass it along.

My pleasure. And this is certainly not a permission slip for people to jump off the faith bus. What it is, however, is an opportunity for those of us who truly believe to do a deeper dive. And for those who are struggling to recognize that Jesus asked questions and sometimes those questions, oftentimes those questions brought us back to a place of what do you really believe and are you living what you really believe? Yeah.

So that's the big deal. It was such a glorious experience to write this particular book because I have so many non-Christian friends and struggling Christian friends and stalwart and steady Christian friends who are trying to love others. And so I literally put all of those pictures on my laptop as I'm writing, knowing that hopefully this is a resource for them that could be really helpful. What's one of the questions that Jesus asked that you just tugged at your heart that you're like, oh, yeah, this is so good that he asked this question?

Oh, yeah, there's a ton. I loved studying who do you say that I am, which sounds silly, especially for those of us who are believers and know who Jesus is. However, it was really profound for me. Actually, the week that I was writing that particular chapter, I had gone into the dermatologist. My dad died of skin cancer when he was 51. My sister had major skin cancer surgery.

Like it looks like she has a shark bite on the back of her leg when she was in her early 40s. And I'd gone in and usually I have my dermatologist wonderful and did the scan, but this time he said, there's some places I'm really concerned about. And so there were about nine days. I swear I love my doctor.

I'm so thankful. Nine days is wailing and gnashing of teeth. That is a long time to wait.

But for whatever reason, that's how long it took. And in those nine days, I kept hearing that question. Well, who do you say that I am? And you think that they're unrelated, but do I believe that he's Jehovah Jireh? Do I believe he's the provider? Do I believe he's the healer? Do I believe he is the God who works all things for good to those who love him and are called according to his purpose? Do I really believe? Who do you say that I am? So I would say with my mouth, I mean, goodness knows, I travel the nation. I tell people that Jesus is Lord, right?

And he is. But when it comes right down to it, when there are questions in my mind, when my mind was riddled with, you're going to have cancer. How are your kids going to respond if you have cancer? What's going to happen to your husband?

What financially are you guys in? I mean, I just had this like crazy that I recognize that even though I'd been a believer a long time, I still had some unresolved issues when it came to who I really say that he is. And not just with my mouth, but with my life. What does my life say that he is? Does my life say, oh, yes, she trusts? I think we've all known people that when we see them in the hospital or whatever, they are living billboards for faith because they are so certain. They're so clear because they have well-earned relationship with God. They're in the valley and they are experiencing him. Yes.

Yes, absolutely. Well, what happened with the cancer? What was the diagnosis? The cancer was that it's fine and all the things were good.

There's still things that we need to watch. But more thrilling to me than the diagnosis that things were okay was the journey that I took in those nine days of really figuring out, really being honest with God about my areas that I'm still holding onto, thinking I'm in control, that I'm large and in charge is what we used to say with our kids. Well, it's interesting because just last spring, I had had a mole removed. And I asked the doctor, will you please take this off?

I know you've said it's fine in the past, but I would just like you to take it off. And so we were here recording and we were having lunch with a guest and I got a call from my doctor. And I said, hey, I'm going to step out.

I need to get this. And she said, hey, so that diagnosis showed that you have melanoma. And then I had to get off the phone and come in and record. But I remember that night in bed just asking God, God, are you here? Do you see this? I know you do. I know you do, Lord. I know spiritually, biblically, theologically that you are with me. But Lord, sometimes I need to be reminded.

It's almost like John the Baptist saying, I know you're the one, but are you the one? That kind of thing. And it's so crazy because a couple of days later, I went over to talk to my neighbor because we were going to go out of town. And he said, he's this great older man, probably in his 80s. He says, and, and, he's Polish, I need to show you this.

Come, come, come, come. And I said, what's up? And he said, I need to show you what happened last night.

I said, oh, what happened? And he gets out his phone and he, you know, he's trying to find the picture and he's having struggle finding it. And he said, last night I woke up like three in the morning, he said, and I couldn't sleep and I look out and I see your house and I see this angel or Jesus or the Holy Spirit. He says, I don't know what it was, but I took a picture of it. And he goes, oh, here it is.

And he shows me. And I'm like, what in the world? Did you Photoshop this? What is this? He goes, if he can't figure out his phone, I don't think he's Photoshopping. Let's be honest.

What's Photoshopping? And I said, will you send this to me? He said, I don't know how to do that. So I sent it to myself and I showed Dave and you know, everybody can say like, whatever, it's just the clouds.

But I'm telling you, this thing to me, it was like, you guys can say it's nothing, it's something, but I'm going to tell you for me, that just was all I needed. Like, hey, Anne, you know, I woke this dude up across the street. Let him see this thing. He took a picture with his phone.

Why would he have his phone on him at three in the morning? And so you can be skeptical, but for me, I knew it. I knew it in my head. But just that sweet loving kindness of God saying, I'm with you.

I'm with you in this. And who do you say that I am? Who do you say that I am? Yes, you are the God who sees. You are the God who sees. Yeah, absolutely. And hears. Yes, absolutely.

I mean, what would your response have been if the melanoma came back? Not good. I mean, I think I know, but I just literally preached the Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego story a couple weeks ago. And you know, where they say to King Nebuchadnezzar, we will not bow down to your idol. And if you throw us in the fire, our God will, they say will, not maybe. They say will deliver us. But if he does not, we still will. So they had that, well, he might not. Maybe his plan is we die and go to heaven as a promotion. You got to love that phrase.

But even if he doesn't, I'm not going to submit. Your story turned out well. Do you know what you would have thought if, okay, you're sitting here today.

So it's super easy for me to say at this point, you know, right? But there are times that things don't work out beautifully. I mean, again, our story includes nine years of infertility.

We could get pregnant, we just couldn't stay pregnant. And I will tell you that sometimes I felt like, oh, yeah, nope, my faith is in a good place. And then tragedy would strike. And I would realize, nope, I still have some growing to do. And so I would hope that I would just give him praise. I would hope that I would look like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego and say, oh, yes, absolutely. But let's be honest, I am imperfect.

And I can't even stand the heat of Arizona sometimes, much less the heat of a fiery furnace. But I would hope that I would give him praise. I mean, I love, I think we all are very familiar with the verse that says, I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, right? But what we don't think through is he doesn't say, I'm going to let you know the plans I have for you, right?

He says, I know them. And if we really know who he is, if we really spent the time and we've invested in fostering a relationship with him, searching for him like hidden treasure, right? If we've done those things, then when he says, I know the plans I have for you, that's enough.

Right? And we can be satisfied in that because we're trusting less in ourselves and trusting more in the character of who he is. And so I would like to say that I would find joy in all of it. I got on a flight one time and there was a lady who was late getting on the flight and she was, I'm a big girl, but she was a big girl too. And she was struggling to make her way through the very narrow aisle and she's doing whatever. But every time she would bump somebody, she would say, it's all joy. It's all joy. It's all joy. And wouldn't you know, she sits across from me and I said for her, you know, I'm thinking to myself, like, doesn't she know the term is it's all good, right?

That was when it's all good was a thing. And then the more I thought about it, it's like, no, consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many times, you should know the testimony of your faith develops perseverance. She was literally saying, this feels like a little trial, but it's all joy.

And my hope was that I would respond with, even when the cancer comes back positive, it's all joy, right? Because I know who God is. And when he says, who do you say that I am, that I can say with confidence, you are God who has proven himself so worthwhile. I love the ministry that you all have to married couples. And I'm going to share my favorite marriage tool. You ready for this?

Here it is. Your favorite marriage tool. Marriage tool ever.

In our 31 years of marriage, which I know for some people, I always think it's funny when you meet other couples and there's a competition, like even with believers, there's this holy competition. Oh, only 31 years. That's adorable. We've been married 43 or whatever. Hey, she just said our exact number. There you go.

She just got us. Is an Ebenezer. So in our, early in our marriage, you know, the Old Testament Ebenezer where God would do something great. And he would say, I want you to build an altar and I want you to call it God is great, give him chocolate cake or whatever the new, whatever the message version says. But anyway, he would say, I want you to build an altar for this. And it was a blessing as the people would come and go.

Well, Scott and I very early on, especially when things were really tight financially, we started an Ebenezer. Now it didn't look like the Old Testament thing. It looked like a charger plate that we'd gotten for our wedding that we never used, right? The charger plate is the one that I always feel like that's the one I want to eat off of, but I want to, you know, practice some self-control.

So I'll use the smaller plate. But the charger plate and, and a hurricane lamp and a candle and rocks from the dollar store. And every time God did something great, we would take the rocks from outside of the hurricane. We'd write on it, put the date, and then we'd put them inside. And what we found is it was really hard to feel sorry for ourselves when we were able to see God's hand in every day. And at the end of the year, we'd pull it out and we'd say, oh, this is when you got out of that traffic ticket. Or this is when, this is when God provided when we didn't think it was possible.

You know, we'd get a deposit for something that we did not even see coming. We just kept looking at the faithfulness of God and transformative for our marriage. Because again, it's really easy as humans to feel sorry for ourselves or to get self-absorbed.

It's really hard to say self-absorbed when you're looking at God's provision every day. And in those first couple years of marriage, that's what it felt like. It literally felt like manna every single day. And that's been huge. And we've done it with our kids. We've done it as family for years.

But for us, it's been so huge. And when God asks us, who do you say that I am? He's proven himself so faithful. And again, even if the bill doesn't get paid, even if the check doesn't get signed, even if the whatever, he's still God. And when he says, who do you say that I am? I can say with confidence all these years later, you are the God who loves me and sees me and works in my best interest.

And knows that I'm workmanship because you've created me. I think it's interesting what you're saying because you're talking about that Ebenezer being with your husband. And I'm preaching a sermon a few weeks ago on Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. And honestly, I preached something like that 20 years ago. And it didn't hit me till this time that in that story, you never hear of Shadrach, Meshach, or Abednego alone. The entire from beginning to end is they're always together. And so you think, is there something that community, when you've got to answer that question, who do you say I am?

We already talked about it. Your other project, The Belonging Project, is all about community. I think when we struggle, like a lot of people that deconstruct or deconvert, they're often alone. Who's walking beside them to help answer that question? Because they're like, I'm struggling right now to remember who Jesus really is. And your spouse or your child or a friend walks beside you and says, I've been there, dude.

Let's talk and answer these questions together. That's so critical. I was going to say, and I think that is a glorious tidbit that the Holy Spirit gave you.

That is so good. The grocery store that's closest to us. Recently, I had some kind of return that I needed to make, which I'm not God's most patient child. I'm just going to be really honest. And so I'm waiting in line and there are like five or six people ahead of me.

And I found myself like making up songs to try to pass the time. I'm looking at these items on the side, these like impulse items I don't need. I don't need another charger for the love of all that's holy.

I do not need it. But I'm looking, I'm just trying to pass the time. I'm scrolling through social media, I'm doing whatever.

It just seems like forever. And I'm finally like one person away. You know, there's one person ahead of me and I'm starting to get hopeful.

I'm like, one person, you know, I'm doing all the hand motions, I'm going to make it. And all of a sudden, I did not hear what the person asked. But the person behind the customer service desk said, you know what, I'm not sure. Let's figure it out together.

So she leaves the booth and I found myself going, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't go away. And then the more I thought about it, I thought, oh, that's such a glorious way to look at it. You know what? I'm not totally sure. Let's figure it out together. And I think you're right. I think when people are struggling spiritually, I think the most glorious thing that we can say to them, besides God is good, right, is let's figure it out together.

Right? Let's journey together. And she could have just pointed her to aisle 13, but she didn't. She could have passed her off to somebody else, but she didn't.

She left the comfort of her booth and she walked alongside this person who was struggling. And I think the community is the key. So I'm so glad that you got that from that teaching. I agree. So good, pal. Mmm.

I don't know. I know I love that. There's something, too, about being in community, like even a small group, when you have women of all different ages in the group. I was in a group just last week at a table of 10 and we were just talking.

There were a lot of young moms with, you know, toddlers. Those are the hardest years for your marriage. Yeah. Oh, you betcha.

You just, you're dying on the vine, you know, and you're so many- Sleep deprived. Yes. You're working and you just think, I'm doing everything as a mom and why isn't my husband? It's really easy to start looking at the negative in your husband and in your life.

You bet. And I used to do that. I used to think, do I even have a life anymore?

And I'd have a pity party and then I'm the martyr. And I, as women were talking about the stages, this one young mom was talking about how hard it is, how her husband doesn't see her, how her husband doesn't care. And so this older woman who had grandkids, she said, oh, honey, I got to look at you. And when I look at you, I'm like, wow, this girl's amazing. And she just started talking about all these wonderful attributes this young woman had. And she said, I'm watching you as a mom.

You're pretty incredible. And I'm watching your kids. I watched you parent the other day at church. And I thought, this girl, she's got it going on.

And your husband, the way he looks at you, he adores you. And I'm watching this young woman, her whole demeanor started to change as a reminder of all God's goodness, the things that she could be thankful for, as you said, the Ebenezer's. But also, sometimes we can't see it when we're in the pit. Oh, so true. And someone else has a point out like, no, there's some good things in the pit.

Look around. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. But I love that thought of one God always sees. And to ask him, to tell him the truth of when you're struggling, Lord, I'm struggling. Oh, you bet. I can't do this.

I don't know if you see me. And I'm struggling. And put people around me and put yourself in positions where women can speak life and hope to you. Absolutely.

Absolutely. And I know men need it too. Wow, I'm excited. Amberlee is going to tell us what men need that's different from women here in just a second.

And I'm looking forward to that. I'm Shelby Abbott, and you've been listening to Dave and Anne Wilson with Amberlee Nees on Family Life Today. Amberlee has created Untangling Faith.

This is a video-driven small group study about reclaiming the hope in the questions Jesus asked. You can find a copy at familylifetoday.com in the show notes. And while you're at familylifetoday.com, you can partner with us financially. And when you do, we're going to send you a copy of Brant Hansen's book called Blessed Are the Misfits. Brant was a guest earlier this week, and he's put together a book for anyone who feels left out or gone through the motions or even feels like they have more questions than answers. Again, this book is going to be our gift to you when you partner with us financially at Family Life. You can go online to familylifetoday.com or give us a call with your donation at 800-358-6329. Again, that number is 800, F as in family, L as in life, and then the word today. And feel free to drop us something in the mail if you'd like.

Our address is Family Life, 100 Lakehart Drive, Orlando, Florida, 32832. All right, here's what men need, according to Amberlee Nees. I think it's interesting that female babies make eye contact three months earlier than their male counterparts. Oftentimes when I say to my husband, are you listening to me, it's because he's not making eye contact with me. He's hearing everything.

He can regurgitate verbatim what I just said. But I think like, oh, he's not listening to me because he's not looking at me. And women, often we connect with each other, we look each other in the eyeball. At least the gentleman, my husband, my son, our other friends, they connect best when it's ear to ear, when they're driving in the car, when they're working on stuff together, when they're doing whatever. They don't have to have that eyeball to eyeball. But I truly believe it's kind of a superpower of both genders to be able to connect like that.

It just looks different for men than it does for women. For us, we don't need an excuse. If the day ends with a Y, it's time to connect, right? Guys need a little bit different motivation, but so thankful for the power of that community that it can provide to encourage one another, for sure. Now, coming up tomorrow, David and Wilson are back again with Amberley Nees. She's going to talk about how practicing biblical community and supporting one another can lead to transformation and growth. That's coming up tomorrow. We hope you'll join us. On behalf of David and Wilson, I'm Shelby Abbott. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a donor-supported production of Family Life, a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.