Strong Stepfathers, Strong Stepfamilies: Ron Deal and Gil Stuart

We are the one with the influence. Are we going to use it for good or for evil?

I mean, when you think of what the scripture says, the power of the tongue is for life or for death. So what are we saying? Is it going to bring life or is it going to bring death to the stepfamily environment?

What a place for a hero to step up. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Shelby Abbott and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson.

You can find us at familylifetoday.com or on the Family Life app. This is Family Life Today. You know, I would say one of the best parts of family life. You know what I'm going to say? There's so many.

There's so many. But I mean, today we get to talk a little bit about family life blended. I grew up in a stepfamily and there are people listening said my life, my marriage, my family is totally different than the nuclear family. Please speak to what I'm living through. And that's why I think it's critical to have what we have family life blended.

Me too. And I think our listeners are going to like today because we started talking yesterday about step parents. And our next summit on Step Family Ministries coming up Thursday, October 12th. And we're going to hear more from the Family Life blended podcast in a moment. But first, we're joined by Ron Deal.

We've got him here. Ron Deal, the director of blended. You can tell us all about blended and the summit coming up. Welcome, Ron.

Hey, guys. Thank you. It's always good to be with you. I love what we're doing here at Family Life. We are helping single parents who are dating and thinking about another family in the future.

And we're helping blended families go the distance. And you guys interact with a lot of couples who had questions and maybe they didn't find those answers very easily within their church. That's part of what the Summit on Step Family Ministry is all about. Helping equip leaders, whether those be lay couples in the congregation, senior pastors, elders, whoever it might be.

Anybody who's concerned and thinking about children and students and adults in blended families. We're going to help you think through how your church can do the simple thing and minister to a child. For example, in your regular children's program, you don't have to create a brand new entire ministry with new leadership.

I think that's exhausting to a lot of pastors to even consider. We're just going to help you this year at the Summit understand the little things that you can do to tweak what you're already doing and have it become more relevant to blended families. So it's October 12th, but it's virtual, right? So we don't have to go to a place. We could just tune in. Exactly.

It's going to be virtual this year. So as an individual, you can sit at home and be a part of the entire day. Or we're really recommending that leadership think about attending together so you can gather. There's a church organization registration where you can have three, five, ten people in the room together going through the day, talking at breaks, trying to figure out how you can apply the principles you're learning to your church situation. We really recommend that option. And talk about what we're going to hear today, a conversation you had.

It's part two. Yeah. So we're visiting with my good friend Gil Stewart. He and his wife, Brenda, are Stitt family educators. They've spoken at our Summit before. They've spoken at our Blended and Blessed live stream event.

They're really high quality people. And Gil came out with a video curriculum for Stepfathers specifically, and it's called Unsung Heroes. We started yesterday with part one. If people didn't get to hear that, we'd love to have them go back and listen. We're going to hear a little bit more from Gil today about that material and what he's trying to do to encourage and equip Stepfathers.

Now, let me just set up this next clip that we're going to hear. So he and I were talking about some of the challenges and he wanted to talk about, you know, the rock and a hard place that sometimes Stepfathers find themselves in. And it looks like this. I love my kids and I love my new wife. And sometimes those relationships seem to compete with one another and I feel stuck in the middle, like I can't win for losing. And somebody is always disappointed in me. That's a tough spot to be in.

And what's a stepdad to do? That's where we pick up this conversation. OK, rock and a hard place. We've kind of hinted around that one a little bit.

That's another topic. Thank you. Yeah, that that particular segment was probably my favorite because rock and a hard place, we shot it at a little place called Depot Bay, which is on the Oregon coast.

And it had a lot of nostalgia for me. But we set it up because this little cove called Depot Bay is the world's smallest harbor. And anyhow, the rock and the hard place is basically these these boats, these fishing boats go out of the channel that's really tumultuous in a stormy weather. And on one side is a concrete wall that's been there for like 100 years. And then literally a sheer cliff that kind of jets out and into the water, kind of like an iceberg. And if you don't know where it's at, you're going to get stuck between a rock and a hard place and it'll sink your boat. So you really have to watch what you're doing. Well, what was the metaphor here was as fathers, we can get stuck between a rock and a hard place. And with no undue respect to our wives or to our children, sometimes our wife could be the hard place and our children can be the rock. What it really is speaking to is I am going to get tested between the allegiance to my wife and the bond to my children. And that is a rock and a hard place. And that happens so many times to where here's the new family forming and the new marriage forming or years go by. And hey, we're supposed to go to such and such an event. Who are you as a father going to side with?

Well, woo. Now I'm in the place to where I'm in a rock and a hard place. And ultimately the place to go is sometimes our kids will put the pressure on us to say, well, dad, you're supposed to do this with us because of history and the bond. And therefore I am now in a vice.

I am between a rock and a hard place. And so, again, a lot of the which I've kind of forgotten to mention, you know, in each one of the segments, I set it up with, well, here's the circumstance. Here's the problem. Here's some guys that I kind of interviewed, other stepfathers.

Not to you know, I'm not shooting all this off the top of my head. So I interviewed a lot of other stepfathers who have gone before me and some that are behind me and I got their feedback. And then we come up with some solutions. And in this situation, the solution was God first family, marriage second and then the children, because the children, whether it be a biological family or step family, is they're trying to wedge in between me and my wife. And in a step family, that becomes even more intense. Yeah.

Because of that bond. And that's why the rock and the hard place is so significant. I think women can get in this situation as moms and step moms as well. But as dads, I think it's a little different and a little more significant for us because there's just things that are expected of us.

Yeah. Now, I want to push this a little bit because I know we got some ladies listening and going back to what we were talking about earlier. If if she doesn't fully understand that rock and hard place experience for him, she could be making what she feels to be a simple request of time or energy from her husband into their marriage. But it could be really costing him also that time and energy invested in his kids. If she can join him in this experience and be his partner in that, they can find solutions together, find a balance together. But if she doesn't even realize that it feels like a simple request on her part, but it really is coming at a great cost for him. I think that could create resentment very easily, because if you tie that specifically to the rock and the hard place and reverse betrayal, this guy is now in a no win situation.

That's right. And that will really be harmful to the marriage, which is really the strongest bond for the whole system in the step family. So, yeah, if she's not aware of him being in this predicament, then she may not have any empathy for what he's experiencing. And then therefore it will harm their relationship and she may not know why.

And if he doesn't know how to put this into words, he may not know why. All right. Let's merge this conversation with our next subject. Number six that you talk about in this series is don't shoot your emotions off with sort of the takeaway that I had.

When you're trying to work towards emotional safety and relationships, you've got to be in charge of your own emotions so they don't inadvertently become volatile. Well, it's the segment that I call creating an emotional safety zone. And so I'm actually out shooting a.44 Magnum gun. I want to know what you were shooting at, by the way. I couldn't see exactly where all the bullets were going.

They were going up into a canyon where there's nothing. I was down in central Oregon with one of my sons who has, you know, a few things to shoot off. But basically it's kind of like the idea is that when we are frustrated and our emotions get the best of us, and we truly are in that environment of our own pain, our own confusion, we inadvertently can flip our lid and then shoot off our mouth and do way more damage than we actually may be realizing. So who is responsible? Me. The only person who can regulate my emotions is me. And I have to be self-aware of what's going on there. So in that case, I have to be the adult.

Again, I'm the one being the hero here. I can't expect that kid to do it. You know, as they grow, then, yeah, the expectations grow for sure. But in the place of rather than shooting my mouth off with what's going on, how would it look like if I stopped and maybe confessed my own emotions? That takes vulnerability. Plus validate what that other person is feeling. In the moment, those two things are the most powerful things that can happen is confession and validation. And that helps me control my mouth.

Is it easy? Absolutely not. Because it's much easier to pull the trigger and say something harmful and do damage that may take, again, days, months, years, or maybe never be repaired. And then the opportunity is lost. So it is creating an emotional safety zone because we are the one with the influence. Are we going to use it for good or for evil? I mean, when you think of what the scripture says, the power of the tongue is for life or for death. So what are we saying? Is it going to bring life or is it going to bring death to the step family environment?

What a place for a hero to step up. You're listening to Family Life today, and we're listening to a portion of the Family Life blended podcast with Ron Deal and his guest today, Gil Stewart. Yeah, talking about heroes, and I tell you what, that last little part about the tongue, that applies to everyone at all times, but especially as he said in a blended family. So let's go back and hear some more. I want to come back to this idea of not really knowing what's going on with me. I have a great deal of compassion for men around this because I too had the same experience.

Quick little story. When I was in graduate school studying marriage and family therapy, I did really well with the book studies and everything that led up to it and the concepts and putting it all together, being able to articulate that. And then we went into our clinical supervision experience. And the first thing we had to do is practice with another co-student, you know, repeating back emotions and listening skills and working on that stuff. We had to do it on video, had to bring it into our class session, play the video in front of everybody, including the professor and all the other students. And we would help each other, you know, how well did you do? I was horrible. I was absolutely horrible at this. It's sort of like I knew words in my head, but I could not identify the feelings and emotions that another person was laying out for me. And I also couldn't do it for myself. Like we men, we're really good at anger.

We're really good at passion. So everything else in between is like a mystery to us. I had to work super, super hard, not only at being a clinician, but this directly impacted my marriage, right? My ability to just listen to my wife and hear what she's really saying, not what the words are, but what is the heart of this thing? I had to work on it. That was a discipline, Gil, I did not know I was going to have to have when I got married. I had no idea I was going to have to figure that out and gain a vocabulary and learn how to attune into my wife or my children or what other people are saying. It does take work. And if you're one of those guys listening to us right now going, man, I know that's me, I just got to work at this.

Do you have a suggestion or two about how guys could start down this path? A couple of things there. John Gottman's one of his one liners is that the masters and the disasters of relationship practice a couple of things. And one of them is to become a master at listening. But it's also interesting.

Another researcher behind it was a fellow by the name of Dan Weil who passed away a couple of years ago. And Dan made an interesting statement. It is impossible to listen until you feel heard. If both people are not being able to feel heard, they can't listen.

That is a standoff. And with the couples that I work with, it's like in the moment and even in my relationship with my wife, if I'm not feeling heard, I'm having a really hard time listening with not just my ears, but with my heart. And the way through that, again, is confession. I have to humble myself. There is an aspect of humility because humility is power under control.

Right. You know, you think about the ability to really listen till somebody feels heard. That is a gift. That is a treasure. So for me to be on purpose, humbling myself until that other person feels heard could be a game changer.

Well, somebody's got to start that process and it should be you. So much emotional maturity. The net result here is creating a safer place for the exchange to take place. And you can get farther together rather than have it escalate into something that pushes you apart.

Right. One of the things I recall often is that we can go faster by ourselves, but we can go farther together. And when we are together, we're going to get further because we have one another's back. You know, it's kind of that concept from the scripture about, you know, one can turn a thousand to two can turn ten thousand. And it's in the step family environment. You might feel like, you know, it's you and your wife against, you know, these throngs.

As Brendan, I lovingly refer to our children as those people, those people. But in that case, when somebody creates that emotional safety zone, it's through listening and validating. Is this what you're saying? Are you saying that or let me say, did I hear that right? No commentary, no criticism. Just shut up and listen. And then give it back to them as a paraphrase, not parotene, because that's disrespectful.

Paraphrase, not parotene. I like that. That's good. OK, in the last session you got in this series, you're doing some reflecting. You're helping people reflect on where they've been in their journey, maybe thinking through pitfalls to avoid. What would you share with us about that session? That session is kind of the wrap up. I'm kind of telling you what I told you in all of the segments. And we set this one up at a place called Beacon Rock on a trail.

And there's all these switchbacks. The concept here is, is that, you know, we're talking about the summary of what has been accomplished, what we are putting in practice. But there's this one liner toward the end of the segment that I basically say, the mountain, she's a cheat. Which means that it comes from a story from a buddy and I who did a hike years ago out in Yosemite National Park. And we thought we were summiting. And every time we got to another summit, there was another summit. I was like, ah, the mountain, she's cheating me. My friend, he's a writer.

So he just it just came off of him. And I thought, how much that really is true. You can be moving forward and think, I'm going to achieve. And no, there's another summit. I feel cheated. I worked so hard as a dad to get to this point and that there's another summit.

The mountain, she's a cheat. Don't give up is really the message in that last segment, because you could be so close to summiting. And if you stop, you won't ever know.

Yeah, that's good. You won't know how close you were and you won't get there. You won't know how close you were. And being in the step family and stepdad now for 19 and 19 years and two months and so many days. There are things where I feel like, well, did I accomplish anything? And then I think of my youngest stepson, who and I, he and I got off on the wrong foot.

And now there's genuine love there. But that's taken 19 years. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of work.

It's good work, but it's not impossible work. And I think that's the summary of the point. So anyway, that was that was kind of the gist of that last session.

It's just a word of warning, but also a word of encouragement to say if you're doing the right thing, keep doing it, because you might be closer to somebody and achieving that pinnacle. There'll be another one just to be realistic. There'll be another. We've been listening to a portion of our Family Life blended podcast with Ron Deal and Gil Stewart. And Ron, you know, as you think about what Gil just said there at the close, what thoughts come to your mind? Well, let me just tell you the rest of the story, if you will. We recorded this with Gil some time ago. Since then, we've actually recorded another podcast with he and his wife, Brenda, in which they just celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary. And get this, guys. At their wedding, a number of their children, there's seven kids between the two of them, a number of their kids no-showed their wedding.

Really? You want to talk about painful and discouraging and disillusioning and oh, my goodness, this is not a good way to start a blended family. OK, fast forward 20 years. They just had a not a recommitment ceremony, but more of a celebration of their marriage and their family's ceremony where everybody came together. Now the adult children who love one another, step-siblings dearly, who love and respect Gil and Brenda as parent and step-parent, they had a big, huge family celebration. We interviewed them about that and they just were overflowing with joy about what God had done in their marriage and their family. Now listen to this.

He's just talking in that last clip about climbing and you think you got there and then you're not there, but keep going because there's joy in the journey. And I just witnessed in their own life that very thing come to fruition. And I got to tell you, it's just really, really a great principle for people to hold on to. We're all struggling with something today. Something in our life is not as we would have it. And what do we do? We got to trust God. We got to keep going. We got to keep doing the next right thing and trusting that somehow what seems maybe not making much progress is in fact making progress.

With God's blessing on it. Yeah, that's what I, you know, Ron, as I heard the close of what Gil said there, my first thought was don't quit. You might be right there. I'm not a mountain climber, but I did climb once. I was with my son this weekend and he reminded me, he was 10 years old and we went in the Colorado mountains and our guide said, there's a lake at the top of this mountain.

We kept going, going, I'm not kidding, like hours. I finally sat down and said, you're wrong. This is the wrong mountain.

There's no lake up there. And I quit. And he said, I'm telling you, it's it's about 500 yards away. And I said, I said, I don't believe you.

And he walked 500 yards and I heard him yell, there it is. And so we found a lake. And I thought there's so often we don't realize we could be that close. And we give up on our marriage. We give up on our blended family. We give up on our child. And it's like, don't quit.

Keep walking. Well, isn't that what happened to all of us? Like for us, when each of our kids got married, we're like, there it is. We're at the top. Like, oh, wait, we aren't done. We aren't done.

Yeah. All of us as parents, I felt the same way. And it's sort of like, OK, got my kids 18 now out now going through school. Now they got jobs. Now they got lives.

OK, I'm finished. Wait, parenting adult children is, you know, a challenge. And now you have to learn a whole new set of boundaries and principles. And yeah, whether you're step parenting or whether you're parenting your own biological children, there's always another little portion of the climb that is in front of us. And wow, I don't know about you guys, but I'm just trying to trust God and take the next step. I think my prayer life has gotten better since my kids have become adults. I remember a friend saying as our kids got older, she said, say less, pray more. And that's kind of become my model of continually praying at all times, as Paul would say. And that's been really helpful because it's stressful, man. It is.

Yeah. And if there's a life principle, I know we all have heard it before, but it's not how you start. It's how you finish. Ron, when you said his kids no-showed the wedding, a lot of people just, they give up like this is never going to get better. And there they are 20 years later because they took step after step.

They did the work. It's how you end that matters, not how you start. And God can show up and do a miracle. You know, Gil and Brenda are really good example of coming and learning some of the principles of step family ministry and applying them in their own context and with the opportunities God has given them. That's what we do at our summit on step family ministry every year. Our next one's coming up Thursday, October 12th.

This one is virtual. We're going to help student ministry leaders, senior pastors, adult education leaders to understand basic, simple principles that you can integrate into what you're already doing. You don't have to build a whole new ministry with whole new leadership. We're just going to help you think about how you expand what you're already doing.

It's pretty simple to get involved with this being a virtual event. Look us up summitonstepfamilies.com. We'd love to have someone from your local congregation be part of it. I'm Shelby Abbott and you've been listening to a family life blended episode with Gil Stewart on family life today. Now, if you want to find the full episode, you can search for episode 83 on the family life blended podcast. And you can find that wherever you get your podcasts or you can get the link in the show notes at familylifetoday.com. And again, what Ron was talking about is the summit on step family ministry.

It's a virtual event happening on October 12th, and you can find more details about that event at summitonstepfamilies.com. Now tomorrow, David and Wilson are going to be joined by Mark Gregston and Larry Fowler to talk about the grandparents role in the grandkids lives, the importance of grandparents shifting their focus from themselves to their grandchildren. That's coming up tomorrow. We hope you'll join us. On behalf of David and Wilson, I'm Shelby Abbott. We'll see you back next time for another edition of family life today. Family life today is a donor supported production of family life, a crew ministry, helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.