Your Negative Self Talk–and Your Marriage: Ted Lowe

I cannot tell you the number of times standing on the sideline with the Detroit Lions in an NFL game over 33 seasons that we get in the fourth quarter. It's a close game and I would have this thought. Our team does not believe when the game's on the line we have what it takes to win and that's the difference between winners and losers is you don't believe it and your self prophecy comes true and we don't.

And again I'm not saying the only reason we lost so many games but I remember in 91 when we went almost one game from the Super Bowl you could feel the opposite. It was like we believe and I really believe teams that win they believe it before they actually do it and I think it applies to marriage. Welcome to Family Life Today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Shelby Abbott and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson.

You can find us at familylifetoday.com or on the Family Life app. This is Family Life Today. Well I'll take you let's say even 15 years ago 20 years ago I'm getting dressed and I would put on a pair of pants and they'd be too tight and here's what I'd say look at what you've done to yourself you're so fat you're ugly too and if you would have some self-control maybe you could get control of your life you don't even have a life what in the world are you doing you're a fake. Now do you think those thoughts affected my life my marriage? I'm married to you I know those thoughts. So obviously if you can't tell today we're talking about your mind and how that impacts your marriage and we've got the mind expert Ted Lowe. We can almost see his mind because there's nothing to block us you know you're just like me our minds are right there because we don't have any here but anyway your book Us and Mind How Changing Your Thoughts Can Change Your Marriage we've sort of developed this thought but that's what you discovered right these how we think impacts everything especially our marriage. Absolutely we've said it a couple times already but you know our thoughts are not our actions or our attitudes but they lead to both and that includes how we think about ourselves in fact and we were talking earlier this chapter almost did not make the book and it begins with a question of what do you think about yourself because it's been such a struggle in my own life and then I thought how in the world does this impact marriage I knew how it was but I thought I think I may be the only one that's got this level of struggle with how I think about myself in fact I call him Fred in my head. Now how'd you come up with Fred in my head besides that it rhymes? I have no idea I wish I there's an origin story other than randomness but I don't know I used to say to me how you doing and I would say it's tough to be in here and so I just gave them a name and said Fred my head's being a jerk today and I started realizing and looking at all the research that how you think about yourself it impacts who you are it impacts everything including your marriage and for so long I'd have these thoughts or Fred would be given in these thoughts and I just thought they were true and they would guide my life and despite it all I was able to get married have kids write books speak all the while his voice being louder it sometimes than others and people say it's Fred the devil he's at least a highly compensated employee I don't know about that but I do know that his voice is hateful and hurtful to me and had been even since a little kid so it could be the enemy could be saying could be lies from your past things you experience trauma you're saying it could be any or all of those yes and what I discovered through this was I had so many people after I teach about this because the first couple times I taught it was very vulnerable like I was like are they even gonna listen to me anymore I mean I grew up in a time when if you went to a counselor people they just put a label oh you're crazy yeah or what's wrong I remember the first time I saw a counselor was in the early 2000s and I was working at church and I asked the guy can I come through the back door because I didn't want anybody to see me hmm and now I mean we shout from the rooftops everybody in the low family good goes to counseling at one time or the other and we just believe it's inviting wisdom in I mean what Fred say to you I know Fred is you but what were you saying to yourself if people only really knew because it was really strange we started doing ministry I say I went from frat house to church house in weeks the radical transformation of the Lord but started it was a youth pastor and next thing I know I'm working in a large church in California and we're on stage in front of thousands of people we're an hour south of Los Angeles every kid our youth group has an agent and my wife and I from Alabama are doing all the drama at Saddleback Church with Rick Warren to redneck Hicks when our south of Los Angeles are doing all this we were young doing this and then we were part of this ministry for with family life and you I remember being it in MCI arena and there's 14,000 people and I remember looking up and seeing her head and all the bombs like all those TVs and I'm thinking to myself going oh wow this is kind of cool walking down the steps going nobody cares that wasn't good who do you think you are I mean there's no category that he doesn't come after me about in some time in fashion and so to get some healing from that to learn that there's been some exercises and things around for 30 plus years that have radical results for people and it's radically simple and has changed my life it almost makes me a little sad a little frustrated that nobody's telling our kids this and no one's telling us this because it impacts everything including our marriage mm-hmm so what do you do with the thread in the head so there's an exercise that's been around again 30 40 years Daniel Amen popularized it called ants it's automatic negative thoughts pretty much what I did in this book was I just gathered up people way smarter than me and then talked about it in a way that people could understand and hopefully wouldn't laugh out because sometimes the smartest people don't know how to make it make sense to people on my level so I that's all I've done is I'm just gonna make it fun and I'm gonna bring it down the level that I think people will enjoy and be able to process the exercise begins with you name your Fred and say if you want to use Fred I'm sure he's open franchising he is a high capacity leader by just naming him it separates him from you it's a little bit fun too it's like well wait a minute when I hear that it's coming from another voice and not my own and certainly not God okay now I'm going well wait a minute this is another person so that helped tremendously and then you write down those thoughts you know you're never gonna be able to pull this off you're not as good a dad as you think you are your wife is frustrated with you whatever those things are you write those things down and then there's categories like Fred has all kinds of side hustles he's a fortune teller oh this is gonna go really really bad for you you guys started this podcast you know it's looking really fancy in here I know they got a new light for bald headed people but it's just one bad tweet away from it all come crashing down and this guy talking right now could be the guy so fortune teller it's a mind reader you'll leave a conversation with somebody and you'll go oh I don't think they liked me I could tell they didn't they're probably just having a tough day for tacos but you make it all about you there's the labeling you are so fat look what you have done to yourself shame or he's a shamer he's a guilter and then he's also a convincer go and do that thing that's gonna give you a few moments of relief go ahead it's fine go hide somewhere go hide somewhere your addiction or your overeating and your pleasure eggs if you go hide and then it immediately becomes that oh you're never gonna be forgiven for that I started getting so much relief from this because mine used to be after speaking I'd be walking to the car it would be me too I can't believe you said XYZ cuz when somebody gives you a microphone for multiple hours especially when you're wired like me and you you want to be fun you're gonna say something going I'm not sure that's good idea I usually have Nancy on the front road giving me that I know where you're headed don't but I would go to the car and he would immediately start in I can't believe you did that you didn't prep enough I don't think people resonate with that the guy on the third row I could just tell he did not want to be there did you see the guy blinking his eyes I think he really wanted to go to sleep people given your time and you should have done more and then all the way home in the airplane and then for a couple days after and they know it's trying to shake it off this is totally my friend too in terms of speaking over the years years ago constant yes and you go okay don't you think that breaks the heart of God because here's the problem Fred's voice becomes louder than the voice of God exactly that should terrify us and from a faith respective to go he went through so much to show us how loved we are how cherished we are how worthy we are and yet we listen to this voice that seems to be destined to just pull our worth does that make me a better speaker or a worse speaker and what's been so profound is doing that after you categorize them then you say what would my Abba father say to me hmm he said the spirit I gave you is not one of that of fear so you live in slave again and I looked up that word spirit and it's actually lowercase and it means dominant frame of mind the dominant frame of mind I given you it's not one that lives in fear as a slave again the spirit I gave you you received brought about your adoption into sonship and by him we cry Abba in other words it's not one of fear it's one of family it's one of his family and you think about Abba father the perfect father not just Abba that means daddy a lot of people they hear that and go oh that's not a good image for that reverend enough it's not reverend well you blend those two words the perfect Heavenly Father it's the one that we praise and this one that we see the ocean and throw our heads back go wow I have no place for this but it's also the intimacy combined and so I just think about my Abba who went through so much to have a relationship with me and then we walk into the car instead of him saying hey bud you gave your best I think that may matter to people when I knew this this had made a difference in my life we had spoken at this retreat Fred used to write for I'd speak he would just be sitting there with me going you didn't prep enough you haven't done enough but there's a picture and somebody I didn't know they were taking it I'm smiling before I'm going up to speak during praise and worship and it meant so much to me because I thought that's a change in my life now here let me say this I felt so much relief from this that I thought it was done I know it sounds ridiculous I know it does I thought it was done and so then the book released and the video series released if Fred goes look at this you're so anxious and you know what this doesn't even work for you and you've just shouted to the world that it does you know what you've done you've publicized false hope mmm and I said in that for over a month mmm I've never been more depressed in my life as I was doing that going look what you have done you've told me it was easy you told me I could hear from Abba and they cannot and I was devastated I thought well maybe I should do the Fred exercise again and I listed 47 things mmm 47 things and I've learned it's a process I had to sit down with the Lord this morning and I listed 22 things mmm because right before you're gonna do something like this is when he just comes after me they'd say how you doing I go I can do some Fred work and then know when I do it's gonna matter cuz that's when I can hear Abba yeah with me again it's tender and it's and I want that for people so badly like I so many people come up afterwards and tell me oh I've got a Fred I had a guy that was about 75 years old he's a millionaire for sure could have been a billionaire he goes my Fred's been mean to me my whole life and that breaks my heart it breaks my heart now how do you process that in regards to your marriage and maybe even as a dad or a mom the Fred in the head how does it so let's say somebody's leaving work and they've got to go by and they've got to pick up the kids before they get home and meet their spouse and on the way to pick up the kids Fred's going oh that meeting didn't go so well for you did it I could tell someone so I was frustrated with you you know I've heard there's layoffs hmm if I'm them it's you swirling around you pick up the kids you're exhausted you see them you're thinking you're gonna not be able to ride from those kids and you get home and you see your spouse and you walk in with all those insecure thoughts how do you think they're gonna receive you at that moment D are you happy to see them are you a good listener are you affectionate no because you've been hanging out with a jerk all afternoon hmm I mean we had a friend like that first of all we get a new friend but if there was somebody in her life that just constantly did that the only person that knows what's gonna happen in the future is God so anybody that's telling you otherwise is lying to you and so what Nancy's got to experience is somebody that doesn't need her to be God yeah that doesn't need her to counteract everything Fred says because she can't do that that's too much pressure for her to counter and she tried even when she tries she can't and so what she's gotten to experience is somebody that feels like their love and secure therefore more present with her I'm more available for her she's not worried about me as much and I'm settled you know when you listen to podcasts you can listen at different speeds like here's what I know there's a person a like me that they are listening at a time yeah two times until I got on here and then they had to back it up to 0.75 but I think for me I was always living life at one point two five one just always and I think it's slowing me down which has made me more present and this exercise seems so silly that people don't believe it works and they don't even do it but I think what I found through the whole book even though there was there's neuroscience in it even though there's a lot of research in it it's what it all boiled down to with simplicity that this way is really the simplest cleanest easiest purest thoughts of your head Satan's the author of confusion and he's the Abba through this it's just like this I can breathe I want to go through that whole process but I'm just gonna say speaking to women over the years this is a majority of us that are living in these ugly places we've been listening to Fred for so long that it's just it's so normal that we don't even realize that he's been speaking to us for years and it reminds me of John 10 10 where Jesus says the thief comes only to steal kill and destroy I look at that I think he starts with us and our minds and in our heads and I love that Jesus said but I have come to give you life and live it to the full and what I've done actually is I've gotten this dog cage because this is what it felt like for me I felt like it was in bondage I'm in bondage to Fred in my head and so on this I just did this this week I got inside of this dog cage and I said on stage she's speaking now not in our family but I get in this dog cage and I say I am so tired of being in this cage of listening to the lies of Satan and the past pain of like you can't do it you'll never do it and you've tried it before and it never works and I think so many women are saying yes and Jesus said I came to set the captive free so he opens the door he says daughter come out son lift up your head but I was thinking when you said Dave like how does it affect your family what happens is I get so inside my head that my head goes down and I can't see the people around me because I'm so in bondage to Fred I love the Fred part it's just easy to talk about that and so for me that's been a process too and I have I feel like I'm on this mission like we need to set people free because they don't even know they're in bondage they've just been living it for so long so as I was reading your stuff like yes amen do it and Dave you he's lived with it for years like I'd get done speaking I'd go into hiding like that was awful and Dave would get done and I said how are you so free how can you be so free he goes I just lay it on the altar like Lord I did my best I'm like oh well I could lay it there and then I'm gonna pick it up over and over again that's such a powerful image and I think the image that God's put in my head the most is when I'm praying I did a place in my mind to go to the beach that would go to when we live in California when I just really started to fall in love with Jesus and I just have this image of him having his hands on my face and his forehead to my forehead and just people listening that struggle with Fred I will say you're his he's got you by the face he's got his forehead not Fred not Fred he's so powerless in the light of who Jesus is when he puts his hands on your face like if somebody's listening right now and they're running or whatever and they've been struggling with Fred man or woman he is just saying to you to breathe I've got my hands on your face I got my forehead to your forehead I'm looking you in the eyes and you were mine and there's nothing you're gonna do that's gonna make you any less worthy and there's nothing you can do to make you more worthy you are loved and worthy and so one day when you're old and you are sitting there not able to accomplish anything that day does not make you any less worthy and that your most productive day I have you your mind you're safe and when you hear voices telling you you're ugly that is not from your Abba I can guarantee it I've learned that for some people there's a different kind of jerk it's everybody else's fault and what Fred will do he'll rob your piece and you can't hear Abba because he's telling you why everybody else is wrong hmm that's the other thing about what if they just don't listen to you there if they just would do what you would say if she would only you know they look at their spouse and they only see the things and Fred's just sitting there telling you all the negative things that's a different kind of but you can even bring that to Abba go wait whoa whoa whoa whoa I just think just the image of simplicity of our father we make life gets so complicated right it's just I caught you you're fine you're fine I lost my mom when I was 10 years old and I've been a little bit anxious ever since that someone's gonna break my heart that hard again I felt alone and I thought if if I'm gonna be okay it's gonna be because I make it okay and I never want to hear that kind of news again and I've heard that news again and it almost knocked me out and so even those have gone through tremendous pain where you feel like if I don't figure all this out if I don't do all this then it's not gonna be and it's all gonna fall apart it is illusion of a control that we've never had and it's going you don't have to control this you don't have to control this buddy I got this you're fine and just to feel loved I just want people to feel loved by him because he loves them so much I believe the two beliefs that change everything two beliefs that we all hold I think we make every decision every day of our life based on these two beliefs theology identity theology is what do I believe about God identity is what I believe about myself and when you're just talking to that I was like oh there's theology I have a God who sees me who loves me whose forehead is with me he's with me if I have a God who's distant who's angry I'm scared I'm living in fear but if I have a God who sees me gets me he's got me he's present he's loving and my identity is I'm his son I'm his daughter I'm made in his image yes I'm a sinner but I'm saved by grace if that's my identity based on my theology is I'm loved by God I walk in my home mmm not thinking I'm an unloving husband I'm actually a loving husband why I'm loved and I can love her I can leave my family I'm a strong spiritual man it's like I one of my friends Jamie Winship we mentioned him before he says when you walk in a room knowing your God is the king of the universe you walk in the room with power and authority not arrogance but identity like God's gonna do something God just walked in the room not that I'm God but God lives in me so here we go that changes a family that changes a legacy that changes a spiritual direction in a home it puts Fred in the cage and me out of the cage you know it's like freedom right it's like love your your thought of that it's like tape that thought captive it is of the enemy reverse that with correct theology and identity and go be the man be the woman that God's called you to be God will move I love that like I'm amening everything that's so good and one of the practices that has helped me and I feel like you're alluding to this too Ted is I take my thoughts captive and I as you said I start counting them out you write them down and so what I've done if I done some of that too is what am I believing right now what am I saying what is Fred saying to me what's the enemy saying so I'll write him down and then I remember Jamie and Donna did this with me they said just close your eyes use your imagination I want you to take all those things in your hand the lies that you've been believing that Fred is telling you and now I do the same thing I picture Jesus in front of me and what he was saying so I picture myself giving him to Jesus and he takes them and then sometimes he'll do something different to them all the time one time he buried it but the beautiful thing is I remember them saying what's it feel like to be free of that or what's what would he say to you through scripture because he'll speak the things the scripture would speak to you so that's been freeing to me to just hand them over bury him give it to Jesus you write them out what do you do to them after you write them I always pray by journaling on my computer hmm and so I wrote all those this morning delete hmm that's good what do you say you get no space in my hard drive on my computer or my little harder you're going you're going I'm not keeping you now Abba what would you say to all this because I had to categorize them in a general sense because usually I'll write a thought and there were so many that I had to go okay I think I hear you'd be in fortune teller I hear you being a laborer I hear you being a shameless there's just so many of you delete all right Abba what are you saying and sometimes it's even my anxiety it'll be Fred will be like hey you need to go do this now do this do this if you don't get this done you're and what I've watched is I've watched him change tactics with me hmm I've watched him go from attacking me and labeling and becoming so obvious and when I comes that way that's Fred then he would come on and then I started to realize oh he is telling me things about how God feels about me now that God's mad at me God's frustrated there's a beautiful song by Patrick Mayberry that I played on the way over here it's got how you love me one of the greatest lines in it he goes you're not mad and you're not scary and all this guilt and shame that I've carried is when you died for me and he starts he goes could it really be this simple that you love me like you say you do I mean come on it is that it is the enemy is constantly confusing that it is this simple he loves you so I delete those thoughts that's good I think it'd be a great homework assignment it's a scary one but to even to ask your spouse are there lies that you believe in your head mmm is there a Fred explain the Fred in the head are there things that you're believing that I don't know as a couple and maybe even as a family like I'm thinking our teenagers our kids in school they're little and they're starting to believe the Fred in their head oh the enemy is after our kids so just to talk about it openly is something that could be really beneficial to a family and start out as the mom or dad saying this is something I've struggled with to let it be no like I've struggled with this to take my kids with me on speaking events sometimes and my daughter's name is Teddy and we call hers Freddie and you know if there's anybody that's got a Freddie in their head it's teenage girls yes and wow it's been a journey with her but it's just I've loved being able to talk about it to your point yeah that hey baby that's not who Jesus is that's not what that's not him you know knowing Christ more and more helps make it possible to embrace a positive self image not to glorify ourselves but to know who we are in Christ and treasure the fact that Jesus treasures us that's a fantastic perspective I'm Shelby Abbott and you've been listening to David and Wilson with Ted Lowe on family life today Ted has written a book called us in mind change your thoughts change your marriage you could pick up a copy of his book at family life today calm or you can give us a call at eight hundred three five eight six three two nine again that's eight hundred F as in family L as in life and then the word today you know let's talk truth marriage takes work you can ask your parents ask your pastor ask any couple you know great marriages don't just happen and at family life's weekend to remember marriage getaway you and your spouse really get the time to intentionally grow with one another so you may have already heard that weekend to remember is now 50% off through September 18th but did you know that also our weekend to remember gift cards are 50% off too you know it could sometimes be hard to choose right now where you want to go so a gift card can allow you to buy now and register for your location later you may even have another couple in mind who you want to give it to and these gift cards are a cool way to encourage another husband and wife all are half off right now through September 18th so you can head over to weekend to remember calm and grab a gift card now and tomorrow David and Wilson are in the studio with Howard and Danielle Taylor talking about the error of prioritizing your career over at your marriage that's tomorrow we hope you'll join us on behalf of David and Wilson I'm Shelby Abbott we'll see you back next time for another edition of family life today family life today is a donor supported production of family life a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most