The Dad Tired 3-Way Decision Filter For All of Life: Jerrad Lopes

The more time I spend with Jesus, the more I'm realized that I don't deserve the amount of grace I've been given. And it's hard to think about that often, that, man, God should have turned his back on me and he didn't. Instead of turning his back on me, he did the opposite. He adopted me in and then called me son and delighted me. He should be furious at me because of my sin and instead because of Jesus, I bring a smile to his face.

Incredible. How do you hear that message and not show more patience to your kids? Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Shelby Abbott and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at familylifetoday.com or on the Family Life app.

This is Family Life Today. So I can remember bringing CJ, our number one son, home from the hospital and looking at him in the crib. I don't know what you thought. I thought, I have no idea what to do. I mean, I was scared. I thought the same thing because we're both the youngest. So we hadn't been around babies. I had babysits. Yeah, but your brothers had kids. I remember when I got Jim's little guy, Ted, and I'd never really held a baby.

And I saw everybody throws him up. So I took Ted and I threw him up and he hit the ceiling. I'm like, oh man, I am so bad at this. And now I've got my own kid. And I thought, I'm going to mess this up so bad. He's going to be on a counselor's couch the rest of it.

I literally thought that. Well, especially because your dad left when you were seven. I had all kinds of reasons not to be a good dad. I wonder if a lot of dads feel like that. You ended up being a great dad. And most of that was because of Jesus has just transformed you and me. You're being very nice.

No, but do you think most men feel that overwhelming, what am I going to do? I think we're going to find out today because we've got Mr. Dad Tired in the studio. Jared Lopes is back with Family Life Today. Welcome back.

Thank you. And when you say Mr. Dad Tired, I was up all night with my four-year-old. So yes, I'm actually, I feel very dad tired.

And I do think most guys feel, I remember they handed me the baby, our first, our son. And I was like, okay, you're free to leave. And I legitimately was like, I thought we were in here a week, like a couple weeks.

To learn something. Yeah, you got to teach me what to do. I had no idea. I could not believe they were sending me home after two days with that baby. I have no idea what to do. Because your dad left too. How old were you? I was three. Yeah, my dad bailed when I was three.

Wow. So, I mean, there's definitely that sense from us because we never had a dad. But your ministry is Dad Tired. Literally, some people are like, what do you mean dad? That's the name of the ministry, which thousands, right, of men all around the world, basically, are in a community where they talk about dad stuff and husband stuff as men, right? Yeah, it's a bunch of humble guys who are saying, I'm tired. I don't really know what I'm doing. But I'm fully committed to fall in love with Jesus and helping my family do the same.

Every wife now just pulled out her phone and she's looking at us. Yeah, and so we're going to talk a little bit today about your newest book, The Dad Tired Q&A Mixtape. By the way, what's the whole idea of the mixtape? Yeah, well, we started the whole book by talking about I was in high school and I had a breakup, which, you know, in high school feels like it's the absolute end of the world for me. And I had a friend give me a mix. He called it a mixtape, but it was actually a CD. So he gave this mix CD to me and I put it in, and that became the soundtrack for my whole teenage years, the rest of high school. I hear some of those songs today and it still brings back memories of high school.

Just all kinds of, you know, some of the highs and lows of your teenage years. And so the book is really for all the seasons of dadhood. You're going to think through how do you make big decisions as a family? How do you stay intimate with your wife? How do you connect with your kids? How do you pray with your kids? Do you really need to go to church?

How do you find a church? Basically, we're trying to have a soundtrack for you as a dad in all the seasons that you're going to experience in life as a father and really have kind of a roadmap that's going to point you back to Jesus, back to the gospel so that you can be the husband, father, disciple God's called you to be. Now you've got four kids from 12 down to two.

You just said, man, when you brought home number one, you felt the same thing. So let's hit some of those questions you just raised. So as a dad, how would you start to coach a dad? How do you really connect with your son or daughter? You know what I found interesting when I first had my kids was my wife obviously carried the baby. And so there's something happening. I'm not smart enough to tell you all the things that are happening medically and from a physiological perspective, but she's carrying the baby. And then for my wife, she nursed the baby. So there's like instant bonding. But for me, I remember thinking like, this is just a blob, like a human blob.

What do I do with this little creature? And they can do nothing. And they can do nothing.

They're helpless. Yeah, my wife's up in the middle of the night and she's really experiencing this bonding. And for me as a dad, I remember the first time my son rolled a ball to me. He was old enough to sit up and he rolled a ball and it was just like game over. Now we can do stuff together.

And that was honestly, I remember so distinctly, like this is the first time we really, I felt a deep, of course I loved him and I, you know, but it was like, there's this deep bond. I was just thinking about this actually on the plane ride today. One of the coolest things about God, the Bible tells us that he dwells with us literally from Genesis to Revelation.

There's just over and over. God is with, he's with them in the garden on their worst day. He's with them in the wilderness as they're turning their back on him. The Bible says in John one that he dwelled among them. He gives us the Holy Spirit to dwell inside of us. And then he comes back in Revelation.

He will be with us again and he will be our God. Like God is a dwelling God. And so what do we do as dads? Well, we dwell with our kids.

It doesn't need to be fancy. God doesn't always have to do miracles and miraculous stuff. We literally just be fully present. The times I feel like I'm the best dad is when I'm dwelling with the Lord, I rest in his presence, and then I'm just with my kids. I'm literally just fully present with them. Part of your book, one of the questions is how can I consistently connect with my kids? And that's exactly what you're talking about.

Dave, I feel like a lot of dads are saying, I don't know how to do that. Did you feel that with our kids? Oh, a thousand percent. I mean, I really did. I was full of fear.

And it didn't go away. Like in a day or a week, I mean, again, I felt like you were more equipped. And maybe it's the bonding part here that you said.

I don't know. But I was like, she's got this. I'm a rookie and I'm not sure what to do. And I remember I started meeting with dads in my church and asking them questions. And that helped. It really did. But it took a while because I just felt like it wasn't as natural. And I almost felt, and I think this is wrong.

Tell me if you've done this or if you've in your community of dad tired, if you hear men say this. I almost felt like, yeah, the first two or three years are just their mom years. They're going to connect with mom better. I'm going to wait till they can do stuff. Throw the ball back to me and then I'll engage. And I sort of had that perspective. I'm just going to wait. I sometimes feel that with the grandkids now.

It's like, oh, my days are coming, but I don't think that's the way we should approach it. Yeah. There was one time I was thinking about this recently. I was sitting with my son and we were watching TV. Actually, he was just working on something.

I don't know. He was reading a book or doing something on the couch and I was watching TV. And this news alert came on, flashing red lights, breaking news. And my son was saying, hey, dad. And I said, hold on, this is really important. And I'm watching, watching, watching. And he tried to get, hey, dad. And I said, hold on, buddy. I'm trying to watch this.

This is really important. Third time, he said, he's like, hey, dad. And I get frustrated.

I'm like, dad, I'm trying to watch. This is about the future of our world. I said those words. And as I said those words, I felt immediate conviction. Like the Lord was just speaking to me.

You are, you're worried about the future of the world and the future of the world is sitting right next to you trying to get your attention. And I was like, what am I doing? So I had a mentor tell me one time, Jared, you're gonna have a million job titles, but you will die a husband. You will die a father.

You will die a disciple. Go crush it at those three things. So how do we connect with our kids? Like what are you saying yes to that doesn't hit those three categories? If you're saying yes to something and doesn't hit those three categories, start saying more or start saying no more often. Name those again, Jared. Husband, father, disciple, everything that gets thrown in your life and on your plate should be filtered through those three things. If it doesn't help you become better at those three things, say no to it and start saying yes to those three things. And you know, as you know, all those other things can be replaced. Another dad can do what I do, but to be her husband, their father, different deals. But you mentioned earlier being fully present.

What's that look like? Because I've struggled with that. I'm there physically, sort of like you watching the TV. And I read that last night in your book and I literally was like, man, that is so good.

The future's right here. So have you figured out a way to be your soul is there with your wife and your kids? No, I have not figured that out, if I'm honest.

I've been convicted by it and I'm trying to grow in that. I just met with a group of guys this last weekend and they were strangers to me. I was speaking at an event and then we met afterwards for dinner and we were literally all talking about what it's like to be present but not present.

And how we're all guilty of that. I was even thinking, you know, my dad left sounds like your dad left too. That's so painful for a child to not have a dad around. But I was also thinking, I wonder how painful it is to have a dad who's there but not really there. And if that's even equally as painful, that he's sharing a home with you and yet you don't feel like you're connecting with him at all. I don't know that reality, but I wonder if my kids might say that.

And that thought terrifies me. That I'm there but I'm not really there. You know, I could spout out some answer, but I think even just you asking that question, I think most parents, if they were honest, could probably answer that question pretty easily. Like, I'm spending a lot of time on things that just don't matter. Oh, it's so easy for both mom and dads right now just to be scrolling. When our kids are present, we're on our phones, and I think it's easy for all of us to just space out. Because that world feels more interesting sometimes than when we have toddlers. It is more interesting.

I mean, my toddler literally, you know, two days ago colored all of our brand new house walls with a crayon and then took yogurt and threw it all over the house. Why would I not want to look at the top five destinations that I can go to on a budget? Right now.

Right now. We're booking a flight tonight. I mentally put myself there, you know.

I remember being with this young family recently, and there's this great family that we know. But one of the boys, just whenever he would talk to his dad, he'd say, Daddy! He'd just yell. And it was shocking how loud it was, but he didn't do that anywhere else. And I said to his wife, why is he yelling like that? She goes, oh, because he can never get his attention unless he yells really loud. And I thought, oh, boy. You know, I could be guilty of that as well, but I think that's so easy to do, you guys. You want to escape in some ways because it is chaos. I remember one of our sons was out in the garage, and, you know, he's two or three, so they're not away from you very long because you've got to be careful.

Hopefully you're watching them. He came out there. It had to be five minutes. He took a stone and carved his name. He must have been older because he was able to write. He could write letters.

I think he was four. He carved his name into our minivan through the paint. And we must have been gone long enough that he got four letters on there.

Oh, my gosh. And we're like, I just want to go anywhere because it's chaos. Now, here's a question that I haven't asked. Did we answer the question? We talked about the problem. Did we answer it?

Here's what I tossed out to those guys I was just saying that we were all relating to that. We ended that meeting by saying, I wonder if we would be better at dwelling with our kids, being more present with our kids if we were intentional about dwelling with the Lord and spending time with the Lord. If I was intentional to say, I'm going to turn off all the noise and just spend time with the Father, to be in the presence of the Father, if that would have an impact on me being more present with my kids.

I think it would. But I think it's an experiment for all of us parents to do. Do I have space carved out in my life or I'm just going to be quiet with the Lord? And you're a parent listening like, when am I possibly going to do that? But it's probably just a little bit of intentionality. 10, 15 minutes to spend before the kids get up, after the kids go to bed, whatever. I'm just going to be with the Lord and to see, does that make me a more present parent as I've been with the Father?

Yeah, and I think he gives you his eyes and you'll see things like he did when he said the future is sitting right here. I think you're right. That's the answer. To be a better husband, be a better dad. Let me ask you this. Have you processed the Father wound? Because, you know, my dad walked out and for decades I didn't really even know I had one. But then when I realized, oh boy, that processing made me a better man and dad.

And a lot of guys, I don't know if they've ever taken that journey. What about you? Under 30 years old, I would have said my dad's absence didn't impact me. And I would have really believed that. Like, no, he was gone, but I didn't even know what it was like without him there, so it doesn't matter. Something happened to me, you know, they say most guys' brains can take up to 25 years old to fully develop. I'm like, it's got to be 30. Because I think that's when it was like, I'm starting to get it a little bit more. But 30 years old when I was really starting to understand, oh, some of my behaviors are a direct result of not having my dad around. Part of it was what we talked about yesterday, which is I'm looking for affirmation in places. Because I didn't have a man telling me, you're doing a good job and I'm proud of you.

So, I'm looking for every possible way for somebody to tell me, both in good areas, sinful areas. I'm just looking for somebody to say, you're doing a good job and I'm proud of you. But I would say, you know, I'm in my mid-30s, so I think I've just started that journey. I'm just starting to make that. But the other thing I would say too is I think for men, one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself is to have some self-awareness to say, to pause for a moment, reflect on your own behaviors, your thoughts, your behaviors, your actions, and to say, does that have a direct correlation to my childhood? And you start to do that and I think you'll find yourself maturing as a man.

Yeah, it's interesting. I sat with a counselor a couple weeks ago, a guy that's really a very helpful, wise therapist in my life. And I'm like, hey, Greg, I'm struggling with forgiveness. And it's not my dad. I've worked through that years ago.

But with somebody in my life right now, and he immediately did what you just did. He goes, just know this and we can talk, but this is where I'm going to go. I go, where?

And I should know where he's going to go. He goes, your struggle with forgiveness now is connected to your childhood. Now we just got to be able to make the connection. It's something with your dad or something with your brother dying. It's something with God, but there's a connection. The reason you're struggling through this is not just you're struggling, it's connected.

And I think you're right. It's like a man in his thirties doesn't, it's like we're not ready yet maybe. Maybe other men are a lot sharper than I am and they did it in their twenties. But it was, for me, it wasn't until I was 32 that I even started to address my issue with my dad.

But if you don't make that connection, I think as men, I'm sure it's true for women too. I mean, I feel like I told Greg, I said, why did I meet with you when I was 28 or 30? And you know what he said? He goes, you're meeting with me now.

Let's do the work. And it's often going to be connected there. So you're a young man.

Have you felt like you're becoming the man God wants you to be because you process that? Well, first I would just say to what you just said, terrifies me as a parent now to think, well, he said, you know, basically I'm going to tie this back to your childhood. And all I'm thinking is, oh geez, how am I damaging my kids now? We already know.

Yeah. And they're going to have that same conversation, my kids. But I, so to go back to the point, I think if we can be men now while our kids are young, you know, for a lot of the dad tired guys, they still have young kids in the house. And so to start now to become a healed man. And you know, the other thing I would say, I talked to a lot of guys and the Bible says that if we confess our sins to God, he's faithful and just to forgive us of them, which is just such an amazing promise. But there are a lot of guys who were walking around forgiven, but not healed. God has forgiven them for sure, but they don't feel forgiven or healed. But then James says, confess your sins to one another, pray for one another that you would be healed. And man, if we could become dads who are healed men, and part of that healing is the confession of sin. They're going to another brother and saying, man, I don't know why I do this. I don't know why I keep doing this, man. I want to confess to you, but also I want to process this stuff.

I want to tie it back to things that happened in my childhood. If we can become healed men now, I'm hoping that there'll be less conversations or material available for my kids when they're sitting in their counselors. Do you guys feel like men need to be in other groups or some sort of accountability with other men?

Does that really help? They need other brothers. Accountability has always been like a sticky word for guys. Because it's like, hey, you want to meet on Tuesdays for accountability? It's like, no. Right, who wants to do that? I wouldn't want to wake up at 6 a.m. I want to run from that.

That doesn't sound fun. But I meet with a group of guys, a lot of whom are in the military. These are, you know, these are intense, tough men. And the way we frame it is we know that this spiritual leadership thing is a battle for our families and that we're at the front lines of that battle. And the enemy is going to attack us in hopes that our whole family is destroyed. And so I meet with them and we bring this up every week. I'm meeting with you because I need you brothers to help me so that my family doesn't come under attack. Or when it does, that I have some truth, somebody to speak truth. That feels more compelling to me than like, hey, can you check in on my behavior every week, you know? But to really realize, like, this is a real spiritual battle and I don't want to lose it. I want to run the race well.

So good, Jared. Yeah, and I would add that I do not believe a man can be healed or, as John Eldridge says, finished. Like, become a finished man without men. I mean, if you're a guy listening right now and you're trying to do this on your own, you can't do it.

Some of it's fear. I don't want to be that vulnerable with other guys. Man, if you take the risk to be vulnerable with other men, you are going to be, you're going to get toward healing. They're going to, just like you said in James, God forgives. And it's interesting that he uses people to help us heal.

I mean, he heals, but he says, no, if you keep that sin to yourself or that struggle to yourself, you're not going to heal. And you're going to win for a day or a week and then you're going to be right back there. But when you get a brother in there who's, you know, I used to say as a pastor, if you come up to me and say, hey, here's my confession, you're just cheating because I'm not in your life. And then you're going to walk out and go, I'm all good now. And then you're going to struggle again. But if you get a brother who's going to say, hey, how are you doing with that area that we talked about last week? Again, not just the accountability thing, but the brotherhood that I want to walk with you and I want to sharpen one another to be better.

Then you see healing. It sounds like you're doing that like on a weekly basis. Yeah, and that's, by the way, that's like one or two guys. That doesn't need to be a Bible study of 10 guys.

That's like one or two guys that we're talking about. You know, it's a very small, tight knit group of brothers that's like, you know, I need you in my corner for figuring this stuff out. What do you say to the guy that doesn't have it and is listening right now and going, I'm good? Well, you're incredibly naive to think that you're going to go through life and not take a lot of wounds. And that your family, if you love your kids and your wife, dude, you got to pursue this stuff. You got to be serious about this stuff because you're incredibly vulnerable by yourself.

And how do they do that? Like, a listener could be thinking, well, yeah, it's easy for you guys. You've got this, you know, all these followers. You probably have friends all over.

Dave, you're a pastor. You're around men all the time. I hear a lot of wives say, my husband needs some friends. But he says, I have you as my friend. I don't need anybody else. So, I like that you address that. But what are the first steps a man could take? You're talking to these guys all the time, Jared.

Jumping to dad tired. Honestly, honestly. Like, first, my followers aren't those close friends.

So, it doesn't matter who cares about followers and, you know, platforms. It's the guy I went to high school with. You know, those are the guys I'm calling. Not to say it's the guys you went to high school with, but you know what I mean.

It's a close friend that you already know. But honestly, I would say it's easy to find a guy who'll watch a game with you. You know, come over, watch March Madness, watch a football game or whatever. It's hard to find guys who are serious about this kind of stuff. And this is why the dad tired community is so powerful because you can go on there. And I promise you, there is a dad tired guy that lives near you. And even if he doesn't, there's a dad tired guy who says, I'll Zoom with you every Tuesday and be that brother in your corner. So, I know that's, you know, there really is a community of humble men who are trying to partner with each other to fight for this stuff.

Yeah. I think what you're saying, and I agree, Jared, is if you want it, you will find it. You will make it. And in another sense, it's like if you want it, ask God. God will bring men into your life. That's what I was going to say.

You might even already know who they are. It's just like, let's take this to the next level and sharpen one another to be the man and husband that our wives long for us to be. I mean, I love the scripture. If we're calling out to God and asking for that, he will do it. And as a wife, I can pray that for my husband.

Father, bring other men into his life that will encourage him, love him, hang out with him. We have a thing on our website where you can just type in your zip code and find dad tired guys. One guy did that. Just put on there, hey, I live in this town.

Somebody else went, typed in their zip code, found him, emailed him. That group turned into four guys who have become best friends. I said, I've never had friendship like this, where I can talk about what it means to be a husband, father, and disciple like this. And now their wives get together and all their kids get together.

So, I mean, really, there are men out there who are like, they're hungry for this stuff. So, we mentioned earlier that if you want to really love your wife, basically follow Jesus. If you really want to love your kids, would you say the same thing or would it be different?

Absolutely do the same thing, man. I mean, the more time I spend with Jesus, the more I'm realized that I don't deserve the amount of grace I've been given. And it's hard to think about that often, that man, God should have turned his back on me and he didn't. Instead of turning his back on me, he did the opposite. He adopted me in and then called me son and delights in me. He should be furious at me because of my sin. And instead, because of Jesus, calls me son and delights me. I bring a smile to his face.

Incredible. How do you hear that message and not show more patience to your kids? God doesn't just punish me when I mess up. He's long suffering. He's over and over. How many times do you forgive?

Somebody asked Jesus. Well, you just keep doing it, essentially is what he said. You keep doing it and you keep doing it. Well, when you sit in that, God has kept forgiving me, keeps forgiving, keeps forgiving. Well, yeah, I'm just going to keep showing grace to my kids. I'm going to keep loving my wife because God keeps loving me.

It's really hard to spend time with Jesus and not be a better husband and father. As I'm listening to you, Jared, I'm thinking there's a guy listening. He's this close. Maybe he's fallen away or maybe he's never really understood what you just, in a couple of sentences, sort of articulated the gospel. How would you call that guy? You even said at lunch, man, at the end of a lot of your talks now, you're saying, I'm calling guys to surrender. How would you call that guy to surrender?

What do it look like? What would it sound like? Yeah, I imagine there's somebody who's listening to this episode right now because you saw something about fatherhood and maybe your wife and you wanted to know more about parenting, or maybe you're a guy and you're like, yeah, I could probably use some tips on how to be a better dad. And maybe you didn't know that this is what God was like, that you thought you got to get your stuff together in order for God to like you, or maybe I, you know, if once I kind of get these things figured out, then God will want to be near me. That's just, brother, if I could just speak to you for a second like that, that's not the God of the Bible.

Every other religion would say, that's what you need to do, get your stuff together. But the God of the Bible would say, I see you in your mess and I'm not going to leave you there. Instead of the Bible being one page long because he would say, oh, you're too messy, I'm leaving. The Bible is thousands of pages long because he says, I'm going to keep pursuing you and chasing you down with my great love. And so brother, if that's you listening right now and you're like, I just didn't know that's what God was like, that is what God's like.

He's different than every other God. And if you are willing to see that message, to hear that message and say, I want to follow that God, I want to surrender my life to that Jesus with as much information as I know and as confusing as it is. Dude, there's literally nothing more important. The work meeting that you're going to right now, the place you're going to right now, whatever, the pulling into the house right now, whatever you're doing right now, there's nothing more important than to say, Jesus, I think you had an appointment for me to hear this message right now. And I want to follow you the best that I know how. And I promise you, you start to fall in love with that God. You will become the man that God is calling you to be. And let me invite you, brother, to pray with me right now. I don't know where you are, car, family room, wherever you are, if this is your moment to say, I need to surrender, just pray with me right now. Jesus, I surrender all of my life to you as a man, as a husband, as a dad, as a single man, whatever stage you're in. Lord, I'm surrendering areas of my life that I'm pursuing that are not what you want me to pursue. I'm giving those over to you and I'm surrendering my life to receive Jesus and what he's done for me and that I am forgiven.

And I received that now. God, would you make me the husband, the dad, the man that you created me to be? And I've tried to be, but I've failed miserably. I can't do it without you. So I'm asking you, Jesus, I'm giving you all of me.

Make me the man you created me to be. I'm Shelby Abbott, and you've been listening to David Ann Wilson with Jared Lopes on Family Life Today. You know, Jared has written a book called The Dad Tired Q&A Mixtape, Jesus Centered Answers to Questions About Faith and Family.

And who out there doesn't have questions about faith and family? Well, this book is incredible, and it's our gift to you when you give any amount to partner with us financially here at Family Life. You can go online to familylifetoday.com, or you can give us a call with your donation at 800-358-6329. Again, the number is 800, F as in family, L as in life, and then the word today. And feel free to drop us something in the mail.

Our address is Family Life, 100 Lakehart Drive, Orlando, Florida, 32832. Well, tomorrow, David and Wilson are joined in the studio one last time with Jared Lopes. He's going to talk to us about the five things we need to know to be a better dad. That's tomorrow. On behalf of David and Wilson, I'm Shelby Abbott. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a donor-supported production of Family Life, a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.