Real Woman, Real Strong: Ann Wilson

So, before we get started today, I got a question for you.

Best thing about the Family Life Weekend to remember getaway? I think the best thing is we seldom take time to evaluate our marriages or even to think, God, what do you have to say about our marriage? It's hard to pull away. And in a culture that we're so busy and bombarded, even with our devices in our hands, it's a time just to kind of analyze, how are we doing? Yeah, and all the things we put energy into, you think about it. We say our marriage is, if not the most important thing, it is definitely top three.

Jesus hopefully is number one, but it's one of the most important things we'll ever do in our life. And it's hard. And so few of us ever put energy into it. It's like, yeah, my body matters. I'm never going to work out.

I'm not going to eat right. Of course you're going to eat right and work out. And the same thing's true about a marriage.

Like, when are we going to put time in to say, we got to really work on this relationship? So all that to say, you can right now get a half-off registration to go to the weekend, remember? And you can go to any one you want in your own city, in another city, a destination, whatever you want. Go online right now, thefamilylifetoday.com, sign up, maybe even surprise your spouse if you want. Ooh, that's a good idea. And say, man, sign up. I can make you a promise. And you know what I'm going to say. This will transform your marriage.

It will be better as a result of getting there and letting God do His work in your marriage at the weekend to remember. So do it now. Sign up.

So I'm pretty excited about today. Why? Because we get to talk about what a real woman is. Oh, are you going to share what that is?

No. People don't want to hear what I have to say about it, but they want to hear what you have to say about it. Well, I think it'll be a fun conversation because it's very confusing. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson.

And I'm Dave Wilson, and you can find us at familylifetoday.com or on the Family Life app. This is Family Life Today. You earlier this week talked about what a real man is, and so now we get to talk about what a real woman is. And it's confusing.

I mean, this is a passion of yours, too. Helping women, helping girls understand what womanhood looks like, what it should look like, what it can look like. And I feel like I've talked to thousands of women, and it's confusing because our culture has shifted so much. Things have changed. And if you go back in time to even the 1950s, I wasn't born yet, but it was crazy. Womanhood was totally different back then. In fact, there's an excerpt from a 1950s high school home economics textbook.

And I tell you, this is so crazy. I can't even, I don't even know if this, can this possibly be what was really told to women in the 1950s? Because we, as women at our church, we put on a lot of different women conferences. And as we started teaching and talking about what a real woman is, we went back and found a bunch of old magazines, excerpts, TV commercials even. And so this came out of, what you're going to read came out of a home expert. I got to read some of this because this is, you tell me, I mean, this is like, you got to, you know, your husband's coming home from work, which again is, it said that women were at home. The man's off to work and says, first thing he says, have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before to have a delicious meal ready on time. This is a way of letting him know that you've been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. I mean that, we still do that.

Yeah. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you are refreshed when he arrives.

Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. I mean, do you have time to do that? Who rests? If you have kids, if you have little kids at home, you're not resting.

Well, back then they could, I guess. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house. Gather up the books, toys and newspapers. I mean, usually it's a war zone when you walk in a house with little toddlers. Every man listening to this is like, yes, why have things changed?

I mean, this thing keeps going. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash their faces and hands. Comb their hair and change their clothes if it is necessary to make them look presentable to him. They are God's creatures and your husband would like to see them playing their part. I mean, this, minimize all the noise.

At the time of his arrival, eliminate all the noises of the washer, dryer, dishwasher and vacuum. You've had plenty of time to do these things during the day. Don't do them now. Can you imagine the weight of guilt that they carried? Or maybe they did it. My mom probably did that. I love this one.

Did we ever do this? Don't greet your husband with problems or complaints. Don't complain when he is late for dinner. Count this as a minor when compared to what he has gone through today. Oh, man.

Fail, fail, fail. I got to finish this last one. Make the evening his.

He is special. Hey, women, are you listening to this? Never complain that he does not take you out to dinner or to other pleasant entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to unwind and relax. Listen to this. This actually says this. Remember that you relaxed all day waiting for his return.

Now it's his turn to enjoy what you enjoyed. I mean, do you think somebody just made this up? I mean, from the magazines, I mean, that one's pretty extreme. But in the magazines that I read, it's similar. My thought is that that had to be written by a man, was it?

Because it's like living in heaven for a man. I feel so bad now. I'm like, oh, I didn't do any of that. And I was mad at you most of the time. And I was so jealous because I thought your life was so much better than mine. I mean, one time I walked in the door and you threw our toddler to me.

Through the air, he went flying. It's hard. I mean, you were just exhausted. Well, let me ask you this. How is it different? I mean, there was some of that that was probably true in the 50s. It's not that way in 2022. Well, but women still carry this incredible amount of guilt that we're failing, that we're not measuring up. And then so we have what we feel like we should be doing. And now in this culture day, we go to the movies and we have Marvel superheroes.

They're saving the world. And so it's like, what is a real woman? Because even to say the word woman and to be proud that you're a woman, that just creates a lot of mixed feelings with everybody. And so over the years, you've been teaching real man. The four pillars of manhood, using the word R-E-A-L. A real man looks like this. And you're the one that kept pushing me, like, you need to create what is a real woman. Yeah, I didn't know if you should call it the four pillars.

Is that a? Anyway, that's sort of what you call the four marks or four pillars of what a woman looks like. And this is just my stab at it.

I'm not saying this is, you know, this is exactly what it should be and what it is. And I sat down with several of my friends and women, and this is kind of what we came up with. And so here's the first one. You ready for the first R? I think we all are.

Okay. A real woman releases control. And the question is, what does she release control to? And my take on that would be, a real woman releases control to God. And when you think of control, what happens when we become fearful, when we're doubtful, when we don't know what to do? I don't know if other women are like me, but when I get to that point, I take things into my own control. I try to manage it.

I try to tweak it so that I feel more secure. And it's so funny, as I was starting to plan this and create this talk and these points and principles, it was this year that I was reading through the Bible, and every year different things stand out and they hit me. So I was in Genesis 16, and so many of you have probably heard the story of Sarah and Hagar. But just to give you a little background and reminder, God changed Sarah's name to Sarah.

It was Sarai. Abraham's name was Abram. And it was at this point when there was Sarai and Abram that God had already told Abram that he will be the father of many nations, and Sarah too. But Sarah wasn't able to have kids. She was infertile and she couldn't get pregnant. And so I'm going to read this scripture to you, and maybe some of you as women can relate. It says, Now Sarai, Abram's wife, had not been able to bear children for him, but she had an Egyptian servant named Hagar. So Sarai said to Abram, The Lord has prevented me from having children. Go and sleep with my servant. Perhaps I can have children through her.

Now let me say right here that this was very, very common in that day. If a woman wasn't able to have kids, she would oftentimes have a husband sleep with her handmaiden or her servant. So it says, And Abram agreed with Sarai's proposal. So Sarai, Abram's wife, took Hagar, the Egyptian servant, and gave her to Abram as a wife.

This happened 10 years after Abram had settled in the land of Canaan. So Abram had sexual relations with Hagar and she became pregnant. But when Hagar knew she was pregnant, she began to treat her mistress Sarai with contempt. And then Sarai said to Abram, This is all your fault.

Did you hear that? She says, This is all your fault. I put my servant into your arms. But now that she's pregnant, she treats me with contempt. And the Lord will show who's wrong, you or me.

I had read that over and over so many times, but this is the year that I thought, wait, wait, wait. So Sarai comes up with this idea, like, here's how I'm going to have children. As a woman, I can see her managing that, like, well, God said we'd have children, but maybe it's not me. This is a way a woman had worth in that society, in that culture. And so she tells Abram to sleep with her maidservant.

So you're saying she sort of took control of the situation. God's not doing His part of the promise. Yeah, and she probably doubted herself. It's my fault, poor Abram, God has promised to us, but specifically Abram, this promise, and it's not fulfilling. But I just thought it was so interesting that she's thinking, okay, what can I do? And that's exactly what I would do.

Like, I would try to figure out, hmm, I'm going to help God do this because it seems like God's slow moving or He hasn't done it, and so. But the interesting thing was that Sarah says that this is all your fault. Did you think that was funny? Yeah, I mean, she came up with the idea and then she blames her husband.

I've never had that happen before. No guy has ever been blamed for something that he didn't do. But I mean, how is this, I mean, when you were reading that, you know, years ago and that jumped off the page, how did that enter into your mind about a real woman doesn't do that? A real woman releases control. It almost sounds like a girl would take control, but a woman who is a woman of God is like able to say, I'm not going to control the situation, I'm not going to control how this promise is going to be worked out, I'm going to release that.

I think that the key part is she releases control to God. And so, I think what I've done for years is I get into situations and I try to control the situation. I try to do that with you in our marriage, if I don't like the way you're doing things. I control the way you parented because I thought I was right. I can try to control the way you dressed our kids, like, what are you thinking?

Why would you put them in that? The way you gave them a bath, the way you discipline them. I also thought, man, I tried to, I just thought of this the other day. I try to control you because even sometimes you'll get grumpy when we're doing projects together. Oh, no, I never get grumpy. And I tried to control that for years.

Like, why are you doing that? As if I was perfect. It always worked, though. It got me out of my grumpiness. It really didn't.

It never worked that way. And let me say, men do this as well. This isn't just a woman thing. But as I've talked to women over the years, they all resonate with this.

When they're feeling fearful, when they're feeling out of control, they will try to control the situation. I see it in little girls, even with little boys. I think girls can be great leaders, as men are, too. But, man, girls will try to control things and be the boss of things. And that's not necessarily a bad thing.

That can be a great thing. But if we do it for our own security, that's where a real woman will release control, go before God first, and give Him everything. I mean, how does she do that? Because that control thing, and like you said, it isn't just a woman that does that. Men, I do that. We all do that.

But how does a woman release that? I mean, if you're feeling that. Because when you said that about me, I know for decades you tried to control me, change me. We've talked about, you know, I felt like you were booing me when everyone else was cheering me. That was really, in a sense, you trying to control me, to make me the man you thought I should be, the dad I should be, the husband I should be. And some of that was good.

I needed to hear some of that. But it often felt like, you don't like who I am. You want to control me to become a different man. And most men reject that. It's almost like I rebelled against it.

It didn't work. So how does a woman, you know, that's living with a man that's different than she was hoping for, her kids aren't turning out the way she wants, God's not coming through the way she wants, we start to take things. She starts to take things into her own hands and control it.

How does she release that? I think it's not a one-time thing. It's like a daily thing.

It's when you are surrendered before Jesus. And for me, because I'm also strong and I'm a leader, and so it's so natural for me just to do that, especially as women are listening. If your husband tends to be more passive, as you talked about, I think what a woman does is like, well, it's on me. And we as women, we get it done. We do it with our kids. We do it with the spiritual lives of our families. We do it with husbands. Even as single women at work and married women at work, we just take things under our control. And so I think what I've learned to do over the years is when I wake up in the morning, the first thing I do, and this has become a habit and a rhythm over the years, is I wake up and I say, God, I give you my day, I give you my life, I give you control of everything because I'm going to try to take it back 50 times because when we get in situations, I want to take that control back. And it can be a good thing, too. We're smart.

We're women of resources. And so it's a matter of asking God as we're making those decisions. God, is this the right step to take? I mean, one of the hardest places to do this is with your kids. I mean, we've been talking about controlling your husband, but as a mom or dad, I mean, you see things happening with your kids, teenage years, they're making bad decisions.

You want to walk in and control. I mean, I watched it last week with you and one of our sons with his phone. You were saying to me, he's on his phone all the time. He's ignoring his family, which sort of maybe he copied his dad in that. But in the kitchen at his house, you said something to him.

Do you remember this? Talk about your phone, blah, blah, blah. And I just watched him. He looked at you. He was so angry.

What are you telling me to do? He did not want his mom controlling him. This is the hardest part of having adult kids, because we have no control whatsoever. And I think there's a good part of learning as you're parenting our kids when they're little.

That's like a God-given role. Not controlling them, but parenting them. And so as they get older, I think it's that question. Jesus, you know, when do I need to be quiet?

When do I need to release control? And it's hard. Well, I mean, as empty nest parents now with all our kids married and grandkids, we've learned.

We don't speak and give them advice unless asked. I want to. I'm so good.

I could help so many people. I mean, that's what we think, but that's a part of releasing control to God and saying, I want to trust these adult men and even our grandkids to God. And I think also that for me, I'm speaking for myself, that control piece can be prideful. Like, I'm going to do it better than you, or I have a better idea, or I'm parenting in a more biblical way. And so for me, it's become a confession to like, Lord, I don't know the best way, but you do.

So I pray that you give me wisdom and help me to respond in a way that would be helpful and not controlling. It really is the picture, if anyone has gone through our vertical marriage small group, it's the picture of the tandem bike. You know, it's that picture of allowing God to be in the front seat, and I'm in the back seat, and I'm going to follow Jesus wherever he takes me without trying to manage or control him. Yeah, I laugh when you said that because recently someone direct messaged us on social media and sent a picture of a women's retreat, and there were these two women reenacting the Dave and Anne tandem bike. And again, if you've never seen it, we can post it, you know, you can just click on the link and watch it, but it's in the vertical marriage small group.

You know, when we did that live, I did not know you were going to crawl on top of me, and these two ladies are reenacting that, it was hilarious. But I mean, yeah, that's really the picture of saying, I'm going to put God in control, I'm not going to be in control, I'm going to submit to him. It's a pillar of becoming a real woman. So that's the R. What's the E of a real woman? So the E is a real woman embraces her role. And this is really big too, because what I've seen, and I'm not going to get into the definition of men and women's role, but here's what I've seen over the years, is it's really easy to be in one role or stage of your life, and you're either wishing you were where you used to be in the past, or you're wishing yourself out of the present into the future.

And I'm not kidding, I see this constantly. Let me start with our role as being a girl, as a woman. I was nine years old, I was playing football in the front yard, and I loved it. I was such a tomboy.

And I remember walking into the kitchen and my mom said, you know, when you get older, you probably shouldn't be playing with the boys outside playing tackle football. And I was so mad that I said, that's exactly why I don't want to be a girl. Like, girls are horrible. They're dramatic.

They gossip. They don't like things that are fun. A girl's going to have to have a monthly cycle. That sounds like the worst thing in the world. And I want to play football, and I want to play tackle football. And I was so mad, I started crying. I went into my room, shut the door, and also I told my mom, and it seems like dad is the boss of you, and you don't have any say over anything.

I added that little jab too. This is all when you were nine? Nine. And it's interesting, if I would have had that conversation today, you know, if a girl would have that conversation today, it'd be kind of interesting. People would probably say, oh, well, maybe you're not a girl. And my mom was so wise. She actually came in the room and she said, I know that you're frustrated right now, but you're going to love being a woman. And I'm like, no, I'm not, mom.

It's terrible. And she said, wait till you have kids someday. Wait till you find a best friend, you know. Your husband's going to be with you, and you're going to love being that. And you're pretty, and you're going to have fun dressing up. I'm like, no, I'm not. But it was interesting.

Her words sunk deep into me, and it made me anticipate like maybe it's not so bad. But then I talked to women over the years, and I hear so many single women wishing they were married. And so they're missing out what God has for them right now as they're single. And married women wishing they were single. Yes. Or wishing they had a better husband.

No, it's true. They want a different husband. They want a better marriage.

Yes. And then this was me with having three boys, five and under. Like, this is the hardest thing in the world. Like, I wish my kids were older. And then they're teenagers.

And so that's what I mean. And then your kids are gone, and you wish they were still there. So I see so many of us as women wishing ourselves out of this stage of life when actually God has you right where he wants you. And in this stage, he really wants to shape you and form you. So how does a girl who's now a woman embrace her role? I mean, one is you say, God, you have me here.

Let me give you an example. Over the years, for 33 years of working with the Detroit Lions' wives, I have so many of these incredible women. They are talented, they're beautiful, they're gifted. And here are these women that, some of them have great careers, they have several degrees, and they leave all of that to follow their husband to a God-forsaken city called Detroit, which we love. But for them, they're like, where am I going?

Detroit, Michigan? And as they're there, this is the first Bible study usually, I'll ask them, tell me what you were doing before you came here. And they have, not all of them, but a lot of them have amazing stories of gifts and strengths.

Now they're known as somebody's wife instead of who she used to be. And as these women are talking, I lean forward and I say, you guys, isn't it amazing that God brought you here to Detroit for a reason, for something? And I said, I hope you're all sitting on the edge of your seat thinking, God brought me here, what does He want to teach me?

What does He want me to give away, or what am I going to gain here? And I think that's true of every single woman. As we're in this stage of life, wherever you are, whether you have kids that are grown and gone and grandkids, whether you have aging parents, whether you have babies that are at home, or whether you're single.

Or maybe you're infertile. Yeah. But God has you at this point, and so for you to ask God, show me God, teach me, what do you have for me in this season and this place in my life that I can embrace this role you have me in?

I think that's really important. And so when you lay that down before God, which goes back to the first pillar of releasing control, and you embrace it, what does that end up looking like? Does a woman just come alive like, okay, I'm not going to look ahead, I'm not going to wish I had a different situation, I'm going to embrace this role that I'm in right now. Does that just bring her life?

I mean, it's a lot like the first one that she releases control. It's something that you're, to me, it really comes down to your walk with God. And I would ask even our listeners, have you released control to Jesus? And then embracing your role, it is kind of the surrender moment to have learned, I'm in this role right now in this stage of my life, help me to see the greatness in it, help me to see the good in it. And also, I would ask you, listener, this too, have you given Him everything? Like everything, your future, your marriage, whether you're single, your job.

And if you haven't, why not? Because God loves you. And can you embrace the role that you're in right now?

And even ask God, show me, Lord, can you show me what you have for me in this season, in this role of my life? I remember when our kids were little toddlers, like babies. Maybe CJ was five, maybe six.

So we've got a six, a three, and a one-year-old. I remember you really struggled to embrace that role. Talk about that. I mean, it's like I was off doing ministry. We used to do it together. You felt like, I'm just at home.

I'm doing nothing. Did you learn how to embrace that role? I think that was the hardest season for me because of my past.

I'm performance-oriented because of some of the brokenness. And so I felt like I was doing nothing. And I wasn't seeing any results except, you know, wiping tears, wiping bottoms. And I think that was really hard because I compared my life to your life. Like I used to be doing something. And there was a point where I remember having all three boys out on the deck.

And they were in a little tight swimming pool. And I thought, this is my life. I used to think, like, I have no life. But there came a point where I thought, if I'm not going to embrace this, I'm going to miss it. And they will feel it. They will feel my resentment. They will feel what happens. And so it really became a surrender moment of accepting it. And every day was different because some days I was like, nope, this is really hard.

And so I don't want to say that every day. But I look at people like Esther in the Bible. You know, think about the role that she walked into. Here she is an orphan. Then she becomes this queen. She's part of a harem with all these women. And their only job is to please this king. Can you imagine?

I would be thinking, what God, what am I doing here? What a wasted life. And yet God used her to save the Jewish race.

They would have been annihilated had it not been for Esther's surrender, but also her embracing the role of where God put her. You're listening to Dave and Ann Wilson on Family Life today. Ann's got some encouraging words that you'll want to hear if you're a mom. And if you're a dad, take notes.

That's in just a second. But encouraging words in a marriage are so important, aren't they? Remember how easy it was to compliment each other early on? It was easy because you could feel the love.

Well, you know what I mean, right? The butterflies in your stomach, dancing in the kitchen, the catch your eye from across the room kind of feeling. Maybe you know these feelings well, or maybe they seem a little far off for you and your spouse in the season.

The good news is that there are great tools to get you back to the excitement that comes with loving your spouse. And it starts with a weekend away. Let's get back to those little things that really make up the big ones and be intentional about the marriage that God has for us. At Family Life's Weekend to Remember, you're able to get away with your spouse while gaining tools to build a great marriage. And right now, all registrations are half off now through January 23rd. You can head to familylifetoday.com, click on the Weekend to Remember link and register today for half off.

And in addition to getting away to strengthen your marriage, you can build your marriage year round by getting all of our marriage small group resources that are also on sale right now through January 31st. Again, head over to familylifetoday.com. All right, now here's Anne with some encouraging words for moms. As I'm imagining women with little kids at home that you feel like, this is all I am. I'm just the person that changes diapers and makes food and eats the crust off the peanut butter sandwiches.

That's not who you are. Like, you are a woman of God. He has called you. He has selected you to be the mom of those kids. What you're doing is a worship experience. And learning how to embrace that is learning to say, God, I give it all to you, and kind of thanking Him for where you are right now and asking Him for what He has for you. And you're more than just a mom. You're a woman of God, and He's called you into these positions and into these roles. It's easy to start playing the comparison game in our lives. But wait, what's God want for us? Does He want that? Well, tomorrow on Family Life Today, David and Wilson talk about the importance of putting your identity in God, not in your appearance.

And then we all need to hear stuff like that. On behalf of David and Wilson, I'm Shelby Abbott. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life, a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.