Hey, this is Shelby Abbott. Before we get started, if you gave to Family Life last month, I just wanted to say thank you so much. The gifts are still coming in, and we don't have final numbers yet, but I sincerely hope that you know we couldn't do this without you.
I'm so grateful for your partnership with us at Family Life today, and if you couldn't give, that's fine. We're so glad to have you listening. All right, now to today's show. One of my favorite characters in literature is Sherlock Holmes. And one of the things that I love about him is that he is hyper aware and observant of people so much so that it surprises the people he's talking to, where he can learn something about somebody just by totally observing them and then speak into what they've felt, what their occupation is, all of that kind of thing.
And when I think Peter's talking about live with your eyes in an understanding way, it's be Sherlock Holmes. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Dave Wilson. And I'm Ann Wilson, and you can find us at familylifetoday.com or on the Family Life app. This is Family Life Today. All right, we've got the Family Life Podcast Network hosts in the studio today, and they won't stop talking.
I'm trying to start the show and you guys are just talking. You think they'd have their own podcast or something. Yeah, they should have their own podcast.
Actually, they do. And some of you don't even know what it is. And today, you're going to meet these three guys, you're going to hear clips from them, and then we're going to make comments about their show. You're going to love this because you're going to think, I need to start listening to these podcasts. Yeah, we should do a little name that podcast in the host.
So we got Married with Benefits is who? Ba-dum-bum. Brian Goans. We've got Real Life Loading, Shelby Abbott, and Ron Deal, Family Life Blended. And we found out yesterday what those three dots were for Real Life Loading.
I didn't know that. We're going to find out today even a lot more about them. That was good. Although we're going to wait on Shelby. We're going to start with you, Brian. Okay.
You know, Married with Benefits. Yeah, get me out of the way. Let's get it out of the way.
You did the best for first. That's right. And I don't even know this. How long has Married with Benefits been a podcast? So we have two seasons and we do more seasonal than we do like a weekly or regular. And so we pick more subject matter. So it's like when we find something interesting, then we want to talk about it.
And it's myself. Shanti Feldhahn is the other one that has been on the podcast. She helps co-host on the first two seasons. We did Questions Every Wife is Asking and then All the Guys Felt Like They Were Left Out. So we did Questions Every Husband Is Asking. Those are the first two seasons.
And this next season that's about to come out is Questions Every Couple Is Asking About Sex. Oh boy. Yeah. You're going there. We're going there. We've got some great material and some, what I love about it, it's really science matching up with scripture and everything that God has revealed, it all gets backed up by the social sciences. That's why we have Shanti and also we're having Dr. Michael Seitzma who you've had on the show before as well. It's going to be good. It's going to be good.
We're excited about it. So we're going to listen to a clip from season two of Married with Benefits and it's Questions Every Husband Is Asking. From the podcast network at Family Life, this is Brian Goins, host of Married with Benefits. We're committed to helping you love the one you're with and discover all the benefits that came with saying, I do. This entire season, I've been joined by Harvard trained researcher and bestselling author Shanti Feldhahn as we've been answering questions every husband is asking, but they've just never gotten a straight answer for. And Shanti, it has been fun to sit down with you again and do this series. Yeah.
I have loved being able to dig into some of these questions, man. We've had a verse that's kind of guided us this whole season, which is from 1 Peter 3 and 7, live with our wives in an understanding way. And one translation, I think it's a New American Standard version that says, for she is a woman, which seems obvious, but I guess us guys need to be hit over the head with a two by four. And just to know that she's different. She's not a man. She doesn't think like us. She doesn't feel like us. And we've been learning, it seems like every time we've gotten together, I feel like I've learned something new about my wife and I've been married for over 20 years. And yet I'm going, oh yeah, she processes different, feels different, and I need to be a student of her. And I think this question especially really gets to the heart of this verse.
Hi, I'm Bruce. I've been married for seven years. And my question is, why does my wife expect me to read her mind? I can see why a guy would be a little confused by that.
And so Shanti, where have you found this to be an expectation? Do you feel like wives have the same expectation? Like, yeah, my husband should read my mind. Well, to some degree, this is really unfair. But yeah, kind of. And I know that guys, we know that that's not a superpower any of us have, right?
No. And we know that I think most women obviously are completely aware that this is not something we should expect. Under the surface, though, there is a understandable feeling that he should notice at least if there's something wrong and press into it. He should be able to notice that when, you know, are you okay? Yeah, fine. Like that should be a signal to any thinking person that the answer isn't okay, great. I'll go turn on the game then.
But there is a signal that is being given that if you care about me enough, you will press in to try to figure out what's wrong. Yeah. One of my favorite characters in literature is Sherlock Holmes. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, I thought created one of the best characters that and it's he stood the test of time. And one of the things that I love about him is that he is hyper aware and observant of people so much so that it surprises the people he's talking to, where he can learn something about somebody just by totally observing them and then speak into what they felt, what their occupation is, all of that kind of thing.
And when I think Peter's talking about with this verse, live with your eyes and understanding his way is be Sherlock Holmes. I was ready for more. Yeah.
I mean, and you can listen to Married with Benefits and get the whole show. I just got to say as a husband, when I hear Shanti say that I'm sort of upset. I'm like, if I ask you if you're okay and you say, I'm fine, then I literally am good. I'm like, good. I will turn on the game because I ask you, you didn't say anything different.
Are we really supposed to probe? Yes. I was going to say, Gabe, how's that worked out for you? Ask my wife. How's that worked out?
I love Shanti. And I think, Brian, this podcast is amazing because every woman is saying, yes, observe me. You should know after all these years, haven't I given off all these clues over the years? And so, yeah, we don't want to make a big deal. And so sometimes our I'm fine is we want to be fine, but we're not. And we want you to observe us enough because other women, we do observe each other and they do know when something's wrong. Notice she's only talking to me right now.
I know. It's like we're in my baby room. It's a little therapy session going on. It's like, sorry, I brought that up.
Okay. Hey, let's decode the code because, Dan, check me out on this. I think the real question is in the, yeah, I'm fine, sin signal, sin signal, sin signal. Are you reading my signal? The real question is, do you care about me and will you pursue me? Because if you hear what I'm trying to lay down, then you're going to pick it up and you're going to move toward me and say, feels like there's something else here. What's going on?
What are you feeling? And it's the pursuit of you that feels like care and love. Totally. Yeah. So that's at the heart of it. Like that's what it's about. And I want to add here as a guy speaking as a man, part of my struggle, Dave, I can identify with you a little bit.
Glad somebody here. That feels a little deceptive almost to me. It almost feels like, well, of course I care for you.
Of course I love you. And I've expressed that in lots of ways. Why is that in question again? Like that's a little baffling for me, but I finally just resolved within myself one day as a husband that while that, it doesn't make sense to me. That's not the point for her.
Like it doesn't matter what I think. What matters in that moment is what matters to her. And we don't want to be needy. We want to be fine. And so we want to say, yeah, I'm fine, but I think you're right, Ron. That pursuit of us, we're asking like, do you love me enough to pursue what's going on in my life? And I think that's the deeper question. Well, and I think at first Peter doesn't say, help your wives understand you.
It says live with your wives in an understanding way. And one of the best things that came out of that podcast was something that our executive producer, Jim Mitchell, he was also on that podcast. And he talked about the difference between being curious and asking questions. Because I think for me as a husband, I can hear that episode and I go, I'm just going to ask my wife, well, how does that make you feel? Or I kind of get into a rote of just asking my three or four questions versus am I seriously curious about how she's doing and what's going on in her mind and what's going on in her heart? And I think that distinction was hugely helpful to go, am I a curious person?
Am I a curious spouse? And our deepest fear is that we're not interesting enough and everything else is more interesting than us. Yeah. You know, one of the things I, as I think about the Family Life blended audience, if you have been through an experience in a relationship where you were not significant, where you were unimportant, where other things kind of got in the way and maybe your relationship came to an end and here you now find yourself in a new blended family marriage, you're really asking am I significant? So it's sort of like the same question, but now it has much bigger implications for her. So for that husband in that marriage situation to really tune in and go, wait a minute, I got to pursue, I need to pursue just to affirm her significance to me, if nothing else, that's really important as you're trying to merge these new relationships within this complex blended family. Yeah. And you know, if I've learned anything, the agony, but the beauty is it never ends. It isn't pursue her on day one.
She wants to be pursued every single day for now for us 42 years. Amen. Am I right? Yes. Yes. And that's beautiful. We all do.
And it's actually awesome if we love her. That's why he asked that question. Do you want us to read your mind? Yes.
Pursue me, pursue me, pursue me. And it's the beauty of God pursuing us continually. And you mentioned this impossible or somebody mentioned that was impossible. And like kind of when you think about the Christian life, it is impossible. The Christian life is impossible. That's why we need God. We need the Holy Spirit. And I thought about this from Psalm 51 verse 16, for you will not delight in sacrifice or I would give it, you will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
So what does that say? God doesn't want empty religion and wives don't want empty religion either. They don't want the three or four questions. They want the heart. They want the contrite heart, a heart that's humble, that approaches not with routine uniform things to check off boxes, which is always the temptation, I think, of a typical male. They want the real connection and when the real connection happens, then the duties kind of fall into place afterward as a result of the already existing connection, which reminds me of the gospel. The gospel is not about doing stuff in order to get a relationship with God.
It's about an already existing relationship with God that transforms your heart and therefore you do the things as a result of what you already have. Shelby, look at you understanding women. Yes. Hardly. Women.
I'm trying with one woman, specifically, and it's going, okay. Well, Shelby, you've got the mic and you just laid down some deep wisdom. Let's talk about real life loading. It's a podcast for the next generation and these three dots. We intentionally called it real life loading, dot, dot, dot. So when you plug in your phone to your car or you're seeing something load on your iPad or computer, you often see those three dots moving in sequence and it implies that something's about to happen, but we haven't really gotten there yet. And so the dots are intentional in our title because it implies that we have not arrived. We're not there. We are very much in a state of loading. As we thought about how we could be intentional to keep the attention of an 18 to 28 year old audience, we've divided up each show into different segments, different parts.
One of those, we wanted to play a clip from right now. It's called three dots, three thoughts, and now it's time for three dots, three thoughts on real life loading. This is why I share three simple ideas that could potentially change your life.
They probably won't, but they could. Not one, never brush your teeth in the shower. I have a friend who does this. I stayed over at his house one night, got up the next morning, use the shower, and I saw his toothbrush sitting there right next to his shampoo and body wash and razor and shaving cream.
And I was like, ew. You should never place the utensils you use to clean the outside of your body in close proximity to the utensil you use to clean the inside of your mouth, especially in a context of like a humid and mold friendly environment, like a shower. So I was like, bro, why do you brush your teeth in the shower? And here was his answer.
Ready? It saves time. It saves time? I don't know. Maybe I'm crazy on this one. Do you all do this?
If so, hit me up and give me a better reason than it saves time. Thought two. If you like sneakers as much as I do, one of the best investments you can make to keep your shoes looking crispy is a shoe cleaning kit, obviously, right? You can find them anywhere online and they usually include like a specific kind of soap along with a few different kinds of brushes to use depending on the material your shoes are made from. So spend the $15 on a shoe cleaning kit and you'll extend the life of your Jordan once.
Thought three. Read a chapter in Proverbs every day. I've been doing this for several years now and it's one of the best ways to absorb truth and grow in wisdom from God's word. In the Bible, the book of Proverbs has 31 chapters. So basically, whatever day of the month it is, I just read that chapter in Proverbs.
So if it's like January 17th, I read Proverbs 17 and in general, I can read the entire book every single month and now you can too. This has been Three Dots, Three Thoughts on Real Life Loading. All right, so we're putting segments like this into the show and some people might go, why? That's pointless.
And it's right in the middle? It's right in the middle of each show and it won't be always Three Dots, Three Thoughts. It'll be sometimes other different stories or anecdotes or things like that that connect to the gospel. But in general, not only do you need to change things up and to keep the attention of a younger audience, but I did stand up comedy for four years so I get to flex those creative muscles in putting together different ideas for Three Dots, Three Thoughts. But I wanted to do something that would be attractive to a younger audience that they might maybe not resonate with what we're talking about or it might be a little bit too deep for them in the context of the show, but they want to hang around for something like that. I've always said that humor has the ability to be able to break down walls in people's lives and what better thing to do as ministers of the gospel than to break down walls utilizing humor and then move in with the strength of the gospel, which is what the rest of the show does. So some people might call those pieces and parts of the podcast kind of pointless.
I'd say just the opposite. They're incredibly valuable. Yeah. I've got a 23 year old and I'm sitting here thinking, man, I'm going to make sure he knows about your podcast.
Yeah. I mean, I want him listening to that kind of stuff. I want him picking up on those little tips and tools and absorbing a little humor and a little life wisdom along the way. Shelby, I'm curious as parents, is there a certain way that would be more beneficial in how we talk to our kids?
You know what I mean? Like you were talking earlier about how the attention span, like kids are just scrolling all the time. And as parents, I'm guessing that these long lectures probably are like really boring and they don't listen.
Yeah. And in general, if we're, you know, the show is called Real Life Loading, somewhat anxious, always authentic. And so the anxiety part that we communicate is like, hey, we're always in a process of not getting things absolutely correct.
And we always want to be real about that. And so I'd say as parents talking to their kids about stuff, you could be honest with them and say that you don't know everything, even though we kind of pretend that we do all the time. We don't know everything and we want to be intentional about communicating the good, the bad, the funny, the sad, all of those things in our lives. And I think that when we're authentic, when we highlight something with our kids and say, hey, this is important, don't kind of check out right now. I think if we have the backstory and the clout with our kids, that they go, I know mom and dad are not trying to just get me to do something.
They've been honest about things and that we've built that framework. Then when we say, hey, this is something to pay attention to, that they'll probably be more prone to listen in those moments. And as a parent of kids, it just reminds me that I really, if I haven't given them the toothbrush discussion about you don't brush your teeth in the shower, I'm really walking away with going, it's time to have that conversation. Proverbs 32. That's the talk.
What do you do with your toothbrush? That was good. I will ask this real quick. Are you trying to reach not just a Christian audience, an unchurched audience? Because that would reach an unchurched audience. The way you did those three dots, I think a non-churchgoing kid would go, that's funny. It's entertaining. And then you slip in Proverbs and if I like you, I might go, hey, I'm going to check that out.
I've never heard of a book called Proverbs. That's what I was thinking. The audience is primarily a Christian audience for sure.
There's no question about that. But if we, if people can get in the door by appreciating those kinds of things, I mean, I traveled for of those four years for two of those years in front of non-Christian audiences doing comedy and trying to help people understand truth in the context of comedy for a primarily non-Christian audience, which is brutal. It was very difficult to do, but I would welcome anybody saying, hey, you should listen to this because if anything, it might be funny and or interesting. I would love it if Christians who are listening to real life floating would actually share it with their non-Christian friends. That would be a tremendous blessing. Yeah, I definitely would. That's good. Especially for the toothbrush advice. All right, Ron Deal, we got Family Life blended and we're going to hear a clip from one of your shows and then we get to talk about it.
That's right. Let me set this up for you. One of the bold things I like to do every now and then is get more than one person on a podcast from the same family. So while we're talking to parents and step-parents primarily, I also want to talk to kids sometimes. In this particular interview, I interviewed a husband and wife blended family couple married later in life with adult children. So then we invited one of Terry Moss's kids to be on the program with us and Carol, his wife's, one of her children to be on the program. So step-siblings.
That's right. So step-siblings, Brandon and Nina on the program and we were talking about what's it like to combine a family when everybody's an adult, everybody knows what's going on. Everybody's got choices and decisions in their own lives and careers and things that are happening while mom is marrying this guy and dad's marrying this woman.
What's that like for you? And there was a moment in the interview where Nina is talking to her stepfather, Terry. He's listening. He's a part of the conversation and she wanted to share some things with him about the influence he's had in her life.
That's what we're listening to. That was always one thing I appreciated was my mom allowed my dad to not more so discipline me, but discipline me in his own separate ways, which I preferred over my mom's. Just to be clear to the listener, you're talking about dad, stepdad, right?
So you actually preferred his management style as a parent over mom's. Because it was exactly how you said it was very managing. You're coming in the office, you're being called to the office, you're going to have a set time. We're going to sit and talk as to what you did, why you decided to do it, why you're never going to do it again. We're going to sign a contract and your name is on this sheet of paper.
I don't remember doing that once. Setting the expectations. Those disciplinary conversations would turn into two hour conversations and more so I felt like as an adult now, I look back at it as, oh my goodness, Nealey, you should have been way better, but he puts me in this so much, but him really getting to know who I was and who I was becoming because again, he raised two young men.
So he's coming into a relationship or a marriage now where he has a daughter, which of course feelings and emotions are having to be managed a lot different. So yeah, I always appreciate the way that I was disciplined. I was always talked to and coached to do better.
That's really neat. Again, you were 16, 17, 18, those early years when that was beginning to take place. What about now? As a grown woman, Nina, what do you need from Terry? I need my parents to not be on Zoom calls every time I try to go to Zoom because I'm still the same way. Like I'll FaceTime my mom. I'm like, mom, answer the phone. And she's like, I'm curling my hair. Me and dad have a Zoom meeting in two minutes and I'm just like, why do all these other people get all of your time and attention?
Meanwhile, I'm just asking for a cookie recipe. Like I said, you're still a kid to your parents, no matter what age. Absolutely. Okay, Dave and I just got to follow that clip by pointing out, look, step parents often get a bad rap. And I'm sitting right here with Shelby, who has a wonderful step parent in his life.
And Nina was saying to that man, thank you for coming into my world and offering some guidance and for loving me. And I just think we need to celebrate foster parents, adoptive parents, step parents who do the hard work, come into a place where they're not sure if they're going to be received or accepted and they don't know what the rules are. And they find their way, find their footing and bring love to a child. It's a great thing.
Yeah. That's one of the reasons why I love listening to Family Life Blended is that you give those pictures of gospel hope that regardless of the past, we know that God can work all things together for His good and for His glory. And so to be able to see that that stepdad or that stepmom has come into a situation and brought a vision of what the gospel looks like, that maybe the child wouldn't have gotten. Again, we're not endorsing divorce, but at the same time, if God is truly a redemptive child, He knows that that child needed a picture of the gospel and it sounds like that's exactly what she received. And when I think about even the audience that we serve with Married with Benefits, one of the reasons why a lot of couples don't receive the benefits in marriage is because they're stressed out from parenting. That's one of the biggest obstacles to oneness that a couple will experience. So to be able to get practical, great theological wisdom, I think is hugely helpful, Ron. So thanks for doing what you do. And it's encouraging just to hear laughter in a blended home.
So often you think, oh, it's just hard work, it doesn't really come together to that extent where they are really enjoying one another and they're glad to be together. Just that was a message, just the joy and the laughter in that podcast. And to know that it sticks, too, because she's talking about this several years later. I remember my dad, my stepdad, dropping me off every day my sophomore year of high school in front of the school, and when we get out of the car and slam the door, he would honk the horn every single time and scream out the window, I love you. I hated it every single time. I hated it. But looking back on that as a grown man now, I love it. I loved it. I love that he did that because he wanted to tease me and he wanted to like love on me in the way that he does and nobody else did it like him.
And so it stuck. Are you doing that with your kids? No, no.
I'll never do something. I'm going to start doing that with my grandkids. But Ron, I think the thing I've really appreciated over the years listening is the authentic stories that you have on your show. And I love that the hope is in Jesus. I love that you say like, it's messy, it can be complicated. It can be hard, but there's always hope.
And I think that draws all of us in. And Shelby, I think you got to land a plane, baby. Well, we're going to continue this conversation again tomorrow with Ron, Brian, myself, and the Wilsons. We hope that you'll join us on behalf of Dave and Anne Wilson. I'm Shelby Abbott. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life, a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.
Whisper: medium.en / 2023-01-05 03:00:30 / 2023-01-05 03:12:42 / 12