How to Keep Showing Up (When You’d Rather Not): Brant Hansen

So you probably remember this moment on our honeymoon. Oh, we're going back to our honeymoon 42 years ago.

42 years ago. There are a lot of great moments on our honeymoon, right honey? There were. Please say there were. Yes.

This was in the hotel room in Boston where this happened. Didn't feel like a great moment for me, but as I look back it was a defining moment. You just went, I know you know what I'm talking about. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson.

Yes, you are. And I'm Dave Wilson and you can find us at familylifetoday.com or on the Family Life app. This is Family Life Today. We were in Boston and we're both pretty adventurous. I love to travel. I love to be on an adventure and we got on the subway in Boston and we both come from a little farm town in Ohio, Findlay, Ohio. And so this was new for us. We get on and here we are.

We're 19 and 22 years old and we're on the subway and we're trying to figure out how to get back. And you started getting really frustrated because we were lost. So lost. And I'm laughing like this is funny. We're so lost. But you kept getting more and more quiet.

We finally made it back to the hotel room and when we get back there I remember you just sitting on this chair and you start to cry. And I don't even know what's going on. Like what happened?

What's wrong? And you said like you're crying. I don't think I'd ever seen you cry like this. And you said, I don't even know what I'm doing. I can't even get us back from the subway. How am I gonna lead you as a man? How am I gonna be a dad? I have no idea what I'm doing. There was like this breakdown that I didn't see coming obviously and I felt this overwhelming weight of I have responsibilities now as a husband, hopefully someday a dad. I don't think I can do this. I was overwhelmed with I'm not a good enough man.

You deserve a better man. And that day just highlighted all my you know deficiencies. I remember being scared to death of marriage and leading you. And in some ways it was a defining moment because it was humbling to go you know what I don't have what it takes but God can give me what it takes to be the husband and the dad my kids need. I was so attracted and drawn to you in that moment because of your vulnerability and I remember sitting on your lap saying but we can do it together like Jesus will help us. It was it was a cool moment.

But I think a lot of men maybe either get to that moment or afraid of that moment. And today we have to talk about manhood and a vision of manhood with Brant Hansen. He's back with us. Brant welcome back.

Thank you. I mean when you hear that story again what are you what are you thinking? I'm thinking the fact that if you don't have a good dad that you grew up with it is really daunting to take on some I think it's a little more daunting it's always daunting because you realize the scope of it. And maybe other people just like well that's just life you know you do this that's you do that but I think there is a there's an extra weight that can come with that like how do I do do I have any business doing this am I a fraud? Am I an imposter? Do I really even know what I'm doing? I think if you took a poll of guys and we were all being totally honest that's that's the vast majority.

Do you think so? Like most men feel like that's a daunting task. It's daunting and also we don't really know what we're doing. And I'm the guy who wrote the book and I'm saying that that's something I I certainly don't always know what I'm doing. I have some core principles now which I think are really good and they're very energizing. Like I'm saying this idea of being a keeper of the garden Adams child and I see that as my role in different ways. It's very energizing but I still don't relationships are difficult and it's easier to do some other stuff. Yeah and obviously you talk on the radio every day. Yeah. So you're good at that you're really good at that and people listen to you and want to follow you and get your autograph I'm sure all that kind of stuff.

You write a book called The Men We Need and it's all about manhood yet you come from a family where you said there was a lot of fear so as you became a husband and then eventually a dad did you feel some of the same you know struggles that I was dealing with? Absolutely I still feel like I don't necessarily I mean I wore a nice sport coat here for you guys. You really look good.

Thank you with a little pocket square and everything. We noticed. That's to look like I know what I'm doing.

It stalls it longer if we realize. He actually doesn't know what he's talking about. Like I do think it's called an imposter syndrome you know for a lot of people I do think it's really intense for a lot of guys most deep down going I don't really know what I'm doing and I don't want other people to find out. I will say it's gotten better for me over time not because I realized wow I'm really competent but instead it's like you know God's got me. I actually can trust him it's such a religious throwaway statement to go trust God trust Jesus trust like yeah okay well it matters now when you don't necessarily know what you're doing. I remember the meme it's a picture of a dog like flying a helicopter he's got the headphones on he's in the cockpit it's an actual dog so he put the headphones on him and it just said I have no idea what I'm doing. I understand that but I really do think this trust thing matters in the daily faithfulness in learning like in in Psalm 23 where it says the Lord is my shepherd so he's leading and then the next thing it says is I lack nothing hmm I have what I need to do this today I'll let tomorrow take care of itself and if somebody's like hey you actually don't know what you're doing on it like yeah you're probably right anyway the Lord's my shepherd but I keep showing up yeah and the Lord's my shepherd and he's he's been faithful so I tell guys that too it's like I know I know how you feel but let's just be faithful and keep showing up and keep putting effort into the right things talk about relationships in particular in your family yeah well Dave go back you just shared that story when we first got married what have you learned in 42 years it's really what Brent's been saying the last couple days is you just said it show up every single morning every single day and figure this out which means what Brent wrote about I got to find out what a man is I got to find out what a Christian husband is and a Christian godly dad is I got to know what that is I think part of it is two weeks before that moment on our honeymoon we went to the family life weekend remember marriage conference as an engaged couple and we now speak for that we've been speaking for that for 30 years but we have never been there and on Sunday morning we split the husbands and wives up and we talked to the men and we talked to the wives and I remember sitting there as an you know engaged guy getting married in two weeks hearing what a husband from the scripture should be and what a dad from Scripture should be and walking out absolutely overwhelmed like I've never seen that I've never heard that I'll never be able to do that then two weeks later I was faced with my own deficiencies in that moment like I won't I can't and I think now that's exactly where God wanted me it's like yeah you can't but I can you know trust but you said the Lord is my shepherds allow me to empower you I will make you the man you can't make yourself I'll make you the husband you could never be apart from me and so it was sort of a surrender I got a fall on my face every moment and say Jesus I don't have what it takes but you do fill me and make me the husband she deserves and the dad my kids long for bingo so I walk the dog every morning had this golden retriever named cozy we walk I walk her every morning and that's my time I'm like okay I'm gonna pray I found I need to pray out loud so my neighbors right when I was going on I'm not loud about up to see my mouth I think you're talking to the dog yeah but honestly I don't feel up to my job every day I have to come up with so much content for my job yeah and I know I can't have anything to say I got to come up with 20 things to say today that hopefully is encouraging to people or funny or something on the radio show that I do I don't feel up to it any day and I talked to God about that I need your help and he has provided I think there's something about having that raw honesty that is honoring to God and then he's looking for because he's always been looking for people to partner with him in his kingdom starting with Adam and Eve but yeah Abraham again like looking for partners so that's prayer to me is like talking to God about what we're doing together today I don't need to be fearful for that reason for you are with me even if I'm in the valley of the shadow of death I don't have anything to fear so that's been really helpful that admitting I'm not necessarily up to the task I'll talk to God about that and it's been wild to see how he has been up to the task oh yeah it's Ephesians 3 20 he does beyond what we can imagine or even dream I mean our president here David Robbins always says is one of his quotes I'll never forget if dependency is the goal then weakness is an advantage it totally is and we always like I don't want to be weak and I want to be strong it's like no no weakness isn't bad it's an advantage if depending on Christ is the goal that's gonna get you there well then his strength comes out in your life because you made space for it and spoiler his strength is better than I know he can do stuff that you would I would not have planned like the stuff that's happened in my life at all yeah and I still don't have a big blueprint I have no idea I'm trying to do the next thing but this said one of the things I point out in the book is about guys like one of the decisions you have to make to become the man that we need is take responsibility for your own spiritual life a lot of times that can be a guilt thing for guys you can be like come on step up do this dude like I'm trying to tell them in American culture feelings are everything I mean we see that in the mainstream culture your feelings I can outdo reality like it matters more than anything I think the same thing happens with our concept of what it means to be a spiritual person and it can leave a lot of guys feeling guilty or like they've blown it because we think it many times we conflate it with a emotional response so if I don't get goosebumps during that worship chorus if I didn't feel God's presence in this place when everybody else did like I just don't quite get it there's tons of guys like that tons they're in a worship service the kind of there but it's other people that are having this emotional experience they're not they might be okay with it but deep down they might think maybe it's my sinfulness God's left me I'm not a spiritual I'm not a spiritual yeah so what are you saying to them because I know the day I gave my life to Christ I won't go into a long story but I walk forward at an event got on my knees it's front stage and then two women came up and they were right beside me I don't know almost at this university you've been there University of Finley and they're crying and so this counselor came over to me afterwards because they said hey you know we're gonna sign somebody and answer your question he goes you got any questions here's what I said I go yeah it didn't take he goes what he goes you know I was trying to give my life to Christ but didn't take he goes what do you mean it didn't take I go those women beside me are crying I didn't really feel anything he goes okay let me explain something and he explained what you just said like it's not based on emotions emotions are fine that could be great but just because you didn't have them doesn't mean the reality of Christ coming in your life isn't real but that's what you're saying right and you know those women who are with you've needed to hear that too they put they didn't in the moment I imagine they're being talked to with someone else but if you equate feeling emotional with God's presence your own emotional state may change over time and then you think God's what happened where's God what have I done what has he done maybe he doesn't even exist why don't like maybe that was bunk maybe I think like it was all because you you equated spirituality with emotion and when I'm trying to tell guys is it doesn't make you less spiritual that's not what emotion is emotion as we know can be influenced by did I get a nap today did the Lions win yesterday no they didn't like what hey it's like there's all sorts of factors that go into that that's not God's presence or non presence hmm and if you're somebody like me who's more analytical and you don't feel stuff like that doesn't mean God has left the building so how does a man take control of his spiritual life loyalty that's what God is looking for he's looking for loyalty from us believing loyalty hmm so there's like a Hebrew words has said in the Bible like that describes it most the time is describing his loyalty to us but it's often the other way around too but it's just believing loyalty I can keep showing up hmm I know I'm a sinner I get caught up in things like I think things I have wrong tracks of thought like just like anybody else but I do keep showing up and I'm honest with God about it and what I see from the biblical stories is that's what God's looking for you don't ignore him you keep going back you keep talking you keep it it's not a matter whether I feel it that morning or not okay so loyalty most guys can get we get it I mean we Boy Scouts you know or the military or anything you train for if you're on a basketball team you got 6 a.m. practice like you keep showing up hmm you don't feel like it but I can do that and once I realized that I was like I don't have to beat myself up anymore for not being emotional or at the same time everybody else is I remember being on campus and being in a basement Bible study and everybody got very emotional it was very out of my idiom and I thought I'm missing something I was 19 oh my god please I need faith like these people have please please help me and they realized that I was more analytical so something was wrong with me so they put me in the middle of the group and they all prayed over me in different languages and whatnot and did a whole bunch I was like God please give me whatever you want me to have and then they gave up and I went home I was a teenager like what's the matter with me did you feel like you were broken yeah I felt like I felt like God had abandoned me maybe because of my sin hmm I didn't feel the emotions everybody was feeling it and now I know that's not God hmm and I know there's so many guys if they're not told like look the emotions come and go if they come awesome that's wonderful but if they go maybe that's a season of life too I know it for a lot of men and women you go through seasons where you're not as emotional about your relationship with God well just keep being loyal mm-hmm that's how relationships work too right even in marriage it's not every day at the peak emotional in loveless but when I was writing this book my wife and I had not gotten along that day there's just some underlying tension I can't remember what it was about and she's like hey do you want some tea like yeah I was writing the book on the computer she brings me over some hot tea like that's love she's I know she's not feeling it for me today at all and she still shows up yeah now we're talking love it's not the emotional thing that she gets out of it because there is none right now so if you can serve God out of loyalty I think he's really honored by that because the only reason you do that out of love hmm so by loyalty when you say just show up are you saying just talk to him every day tell him what's on your heart is that what you mean yes yeah that's exactly what I'm talking about because it's out of that relationship that the fruit will be born in your life you can't manufacture the peace and gentleness that you're gonna need to have and the patience and the joy which is it's a sense of well-being no matter what's happening around you that's what joy is like you're not gonna be able to manufacture that it's gonna come out of this ongoing conversational partnership relationship with God so I'm not gonna give up on that because of my own sin like I've slink away in shame I'm gonna show up again hmm and my understanding of the stories in the Bible that God's actually honored by that mm-hmm maybe even especially when you don't feel it totally that's I need to and I don't want to and everything in me says don't do it I'm gonna get there it's the same thing I'm gonna open the Word of God how about this do you think it's important for men to be with other men oh absolutely I know it is well just community in general even if you're listening to this now and you're a guy you're probably like yeah I get this yeah we profit obviously from conversations with women profit from conversations with men most definitely I want to surround myself with a few people have some wisdom though hmm if it's just foolishness that's gonna manifest itself in pain I know and I'm foolish it ultimately means pain for me and the people around me so I do want some guys that are making me think differently yeah stretching me challenging yeah I remember when I first moved to Detroit to be the amazing Detroit Lions chaplain 37 years ago everybody laughs cuz who knew then what it would end up being losses but I knew then as a new man in a new city I need to find guys yeah I need I need men I find a church obviously and we hadn't started one yet so I'll never forget I went to this men's group to some guys recommended and I was there three or four weeks and I remember I'll never forget this moment I walk in one day and I go hey and I didn't know these guys real well but I knew him well enough to be vulnerable and I said hey I just I need to share a struggle I had this week I went through the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue and I shouldn't have done it and I'm just confessing that to you guys I'll never forget they look at me and they go dude you are like sick what is wrong with you you are despicable and I'm like yeah I know that's why I said that I just and basically they went around the room and I was like I said none of you have ever nope never not one time you ever struggle ever never are they joking they're joking well I mean that's what they were it was like I was the worst guy they've ever met in their life I remember getting in a car driving home and going okay those aren't my guys what in the world I mean that's what their response was 35 years ago it was a long time I feel like that's a Nathaniel Hawthorne novel or something like what what who are these people 1636 Massachusetts I get in a car and I'm like I gotta find different guys not that they were bad guys it was just like I can't be honest with these guys cuz I got in the car thinking okay they're lying to me not every guy there probably did but some guys struggle with you know so anyway all I knew was okay I gotta find guys that will bring wisdom to my life but I can be honest and they will not let me stay where my sin has taken me they'll challenge me and we'll challenge one another guess what I found those guys and we've been with those guys for over 30 years but the the moral of the story was if one group doesn't work keep trying cuz there's men you need in your life and you already said you need men that are wise men it'll spur you on right and it'll walk with you men will be vulnerable so if you can't find them I have some advice what's that just ask God about it yeah this is prayer what do you want hmm I mean Jesus actually asked Bartimaeus in scripture the blind guy and he actually says to him what would you like me to do for you today well if you want if like I don't have any wise friends I need some guys around that yeah are honest so they can go yeah me too and let's let's work through this together like I need honest I need some guys that are continuing to like read things and think things and trying to grow as believers and if you don't have any of those ask God for him I think he'll say yeah yeah it may take a little bit of time but I honestly think if your heart cry is that gut level honest while you're driving or something this is what I need mmm and I think that's something he wants to I think he's I know he's got the power to do it so I think it's discouraging when you feel like you can't find it because our culture is so isolated and lonely yeah but if you ask God for it I've seen him be faithful in my own life in that exact way yeah then be intentional they say hey let's get together you have to be and that's that's tough to do yeah if you're like me I'm not good at scheduling things or whatever I want but you have to I did a thing recently where I was like okay this was new for me but we're gonna get together on Monday night from 7 to 8 on my back patio for a month but it was closed-ended and it was only for one hour we're not going on all night we're not letting anybody filibuster and you're stuck there and it's not going on for years just a month it was a huge hit in my neighborhood yeah it was just guys and we were just talking about discipleship stuff but like we're done at 8 I'm like it's 8 we're done and then everybody wanted to stick around anyway because it was fun and we had a lot of laughs but like we did our thing and it was for one month and then we quit and then I started it up again for a month very cool because I think guys like the closed-endedness of it yeah so that's an idea too if you're interested in starting something like that don't ask him to commit the rest of their lives you have to foresee awkward backing out if you haven't an end date that's pretty soon hmm we've talked about several decisions you say a man needs to make to set him apart one of them is protect your women I mean you say it make women and children feel safe not threatened and again it's not of an ownership thing hmm it's out of me wanting them to thrive and bloom if guys were keepers of the garden there would be no need for a me to movement or anything of the sort because we they would feel secure because where they're not threatened but a big problem even for Christian guys because they're not taught out of it is anger there's this anger that we have justified in our own minds or whatever and we think well I'm a man of action I'll do whatever it needs done but that anger actually makes your household less secure yeah because it pulls us away because we're afraid of it you're not sure what's like yeah what he's gonna do right how is he gonna react that's not what you want you don't want your wife and kids tiptoeing afraid and you may not even be aware of it hmm but you'll justify this anger this frustration that actually makes them feel insecure so now your house is insecure I also know that a lot of for a lot of men they think that that's part of masculinity I'm gonna be a man of action I have to get angry or loud right like no that's actually not masculine what's masculine is being willing to take action when necessary but not out of anger you do because it's the right thing hmm so your wife and kids know you're not an angry person but when needed you will do the right thing and you'll do it the right way anger actually clouds your judgment so if you want to have a secure home you're not angry but you'll do the right thing and somebody's in trouble they behave this way this is what's gonna happen it's actually scarier to the kids when you're that calm in a good way yeah in a good way but it's like that just sets the tone for the home that it's secure there are these boundaries but dad's not an angry person you don't need anger to do the right thing the anger that's been constructive in my life has been when I'm and it's not really angry it's a resolution to say I'm not gonna be passive anymore yeah it feels like a sense of an anger but it's like I'm mad at myself like okay I'm gonna I'm gonna show up we've said it before I'm gonna show up in her life and my son's lives in my church's life whatever I'm gonna show up that's an it's a motivational sort of you know I guess you'd call it anger but it's like no more yeah I think that's a motivation that's that's good that's that's determination but anger is always listed in the negatives in Scripture it's put away anger or get rid of it for the Sun Goes Down so if it happens get rid of it but just imagine a home where anger is a normal thing how can that possibly be secure how can your kids be growing up at security or your wife feel secure and I'm telling guys too again your wife is attracted to you when she feels secure mm-hmm because she knows this when you're at your best you're creating a greenhouse in your home is what you're saying where the people in it will grow and blossom and thrive yeah including your wife yes that she could become everything with her intellectual gifts and everything that she could be mmm people just bloom around you because that's how you cultivate your keep it's the greenhouse thing because it's you're the keeper of the garden yeah like it's a great metaphor for our own metaphorical gardens like whatever my sphere of influence is I'm the keeper of that garden yes let's bloom the way God has intended us to do so you've been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Brant Hansen on family life today in just a minute Dave's got a scary question you can ask your spouse or your kids but first Brant's book is called the men we need God's purpose for the manly man the avid indoors men or any man willing to show up great title you can get Brant's book at family life today calm you know God continues to use this program both on the radio and as a podcast and I read through some of the reviews that have been posted about family life today and here's one that I wanted to share with you someone wrote I keep coming back to listen because they constantly offer hope through the gospel of Jesus I need to be pointed to Christ and they do this all the time this podcast encourages me to hope in him thanks family life crew wow it's just so encouraging to hear things like that reviews like this are written lives are changed and people glorify God because of your partnership to make this program and podcast happen and thanks to some generous ministry partners your gift if you give this month will be matched dollar for dollar until we hit two million dollars that's for a one-time gift or if you become a monthly partner right now your monthly gifts will be doubled for the next 12 months you can give today at family life today calm or you can give us a call at 800 3 5 8 6 3 2 9 that's 800 F as in family L as in life and then the word today okay here's Dave with a scary question a husband can ask his wife or his kids here would be a scary but really good question to ask as a husband or a dad ask your wife and even your kids do you thrive under me hmm do you feel like you're thriving under my care and love here and influence and leadership in this home and be ready to hear that answer and make adjustments hopefully they say yeah but if they don't say okay why not how am I not helping you thrive because I'm called to be a caretaker to bring life to this home and if I'm not doing that I need to make changes to make sure that happens now coming up tomorrow on family life today David and Wilson are joined by Abby Wedgworth where she will take you through her journey of grief after experiencing the tragedy of having a miscarriage that's coming up tomorrow on behalf of David and Wilson I'm Shelby Abbott we'll see you back next time for another edition of family life today family life today is a production of family life a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most