Curtis & Jenny Solomon: Allies in the Fight Against Sex Addiction

It's a different kind of trust, you know, when that trust has been broken and has to be repaired. I don't think it's exactly the same kind of trust that a person would have whose husband had never struggled with pornography. But I think that's also so sweet because in that suffering and in that difficulty, the work that God has wrought in us and even just the opportunity to say, like, this is where we've been. Now we get to help other people with this difficulty to see God take that thing that's so hard and so bad and use it for good is incredible.

And I wouldn't trade it. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson. And I'm Dave Wilson. And you can find us at familylifetoday.com or on our Family Life app.

Our focus is family life today. When you first discovered that I struggled with porn, we're going to start right there. How did it hit you? I was shocked, angry. I had feelings of self-doubt, insecurity. I was really mad at you because we were in ministry. So I felt like, what? I thought this was other guys, not my husband, which then took me directly into, well, I'm not that much. And so maybe it's because of me.

I'm not enough. And did you feel like you had anywhere to go to get help? Well, it was interesting.

No, I felt like I had nowhere to go. But I was amazed that you said, you can tell everybody. If you can tell anybody you want, I'm an idiot for your words, which was shocking, especially being in ministry. And we had just started our church 30 years ago.

So you had some wives you could talk to. Yeah, but it's something that's really hard and scary. It's embarrassing. And especially back then, hardly anybody was talking about it. And I was going to bookstores looking for books. Somebody help me.

And I couldn't find anything. And today we got help. They're sitting in the studio with us. Curtis and Jenny Solomon are back on Family Life Today. Welcome back, guys. Thanks.

So good to be here. As our listeners already found out, you've not only talked about your struggle yesterday, but you've written two books, one for men, one for women. I'm going to read you the titles. The first one, Curtis, you wrote, Redeem Your Marriage, Hope for Husbands Who Have Hurt Through Pornography. And then Jenny wrote, Reclaim Your Marriage, Grace for Wives Who Have Been Hurt By Pornography. Why the words hope and grace?

I know you chose those specifically. What were you thinking? Well, I think for guys, especially when you struggle with this for a long time, you begin to feel hopeless and believe those lies that this will never change. I can never be different. And really it's pointing to the hope that we have in Christ. In our books, we wanted people to understand these are his story, not our story. And it's about what he did in our lives and that there is hope and you can, by his grace and with his help and all the other means of grace that he gives us, overcome the struggle. You know, this isn't just a guy's struggle.

We all know that. But I think for me, there was a period of hopelessness thinking, as you said, even yesterday, you know, you win for a period of time, you think maybe I've won and then you slip. And if you do that several times or 30 times, you're like, it's never going to go away. Do you felt that? Oh, absolutely. And Jenny, you felt that about him.

I did, yes. So how do you get to a word grace? Well, I think a few things. One is just recognizing that any strength we have as wives to stand up against our husband's sin, to do the right thing, to keep following Christ, even when the situation feels bleak, requires the grace of God, right? He gives us his spirit, that power at work within us is that same power that raised Christ from the dead. And so when I think of grace, I think of strength. And I also think of forgiveness, which if a marriage is going to work after pornography, there has to be repentance, there has to be reconciliation, and there has to be forgiveness. And so I think just thinking of God's strength within me and then the power that forgiveness brings together in that one word is what I want wives to think of when they see my cover. That's really good. And Curtis, you had this great analogy about the leaves in the neighbor's yard. I thought that was a good way to describe what happens in a marriage with pornography.

Well, I stole that from Jenny because she came up with it first, but it did make such a great image. And that's actually the cover of my book has leaves falling in it. It came to mind because we live in a place with trees, which growing up in the desert was very new to me. But we would go out, rake up all of our leaves. And then after a while, I started noticing all these leaves coming into our yard. And I'm like, I thought we handled this.

I thought this was done. And lo and behold, these leaves looked an awful lot like the trees in my neighbor's yard. And they had just moved in in the year and not once raked their yard that entire year.

And so we just kept blowing over. But you love your neighbors. We love our neighbors. And Jenny actually pointed out, she's like, this is how I feel with your pornography thing. It's like, I've done everything right in a sense, right? I've taken care of, I've guarded my heart.

I've taken care of myself. I haven't done this, but now your pornography, your sin is pouring over consequences into my life. And just like our lives, our relationships, our yards don't, there's no boundary. And when you sin, it affects your other relationships. And she shared that analogy with me. I was like, that is so true.

But, and I think she would testify that her heart really grew in that and understanding too, that word grace, that you can get on this high horse of like, I've been perfect. I've been right. And you're the idiot.

What's going on here? Or you think my life would be happy. Our marriage would be great if you could get this under control. And so we push all the blame on our husbands. Is that wrong to do that, Jenny?

Well, I think his sin is certainly 100% his fault. But when we think about those leaves blowing into our yard, what do we do with them? Do they become bitterness? Do they become rage?

Do they become just uncontrolled words that you unleash whenever you feel like it in a torrent because you're angry? And he deserves it. And he deserves it. In your thoughts.

Yeah. And so I think we still need to be controlled by God's Spirit and think about the fruits of God's Spirit and what that looks like even in a situation where our husband is 100% wrong. Curtis and I are sitting with two wives who both are married to husbands who have struggled with this sin. What would either one of you say, because I know there's a lot of wives listening right now who are saying, my husband struggles too.

And again, it could go the other way, but they're listening and they're sitting where you sat. And again, it's not like it's over, but you both weathered a storm. What would you say to the wife that's looking for hope and grace? And they're like, I don't know where to turn. I'm not sure what to do. My husband just confessed or I know he's hiding a secret and I don't even want to ask because I think I know what the answer is going to be.

Talk to the wives. What would you say to them? Well, I think the first thing that I would say is learn from my bad example and persist in pursuing help because we did several times at the beginning of our marriage, reach out to people and ask for help. And we either received no help or we received bad advice or we received some help for a short amount of time. And then those people were busy and that's understandable.

The burdens of ministry are heavy and they quickly turn to other people who are needier than us and just kind of left us a few steps along the road toward healing, but definitely not where we needed to be. So I would say to ask for help. And if you don't get the help the first, second or third time, keep reaching out.

It's worth it. It might take time to find people who actually are going to be able to step into your situation and speak words of life, but don't just clam up. Now you said you got bad advice. What's bad advice? One of the first books we were encouraged to read by really well-meaning friends was Every Man's Battle. And I don't remember the helpful parts of that book. It's been almost 20 years ago now, but I do remember very specifically that book talking about giving the husband his release and it made sex sound like a tool that you use to keep him from sinning. And I think I took that on and felt like a means to an end for many years in our marriage. And that wasn't helpful because sex is a gift that God gives you to enjoy together. It's not something that you do to make sure your husband doesn't sin. And so I'm really sad that I got that advice so early at such a formable time in our marriage. And I wouldn't want that for anyone else.

That's really important too. I think my advice would be, it is true, like Dave, you are the one that maybe sinned in that area. I had my own sins, but you started that and then I had a choice of what to do with what you told me. And I think what I did many times was I felt justified in my anger, justified in my resentment and my bitterness, not realizing that now I have a decision to make. Will I trust God?

Will I take the steps for healing? Not just thinking, this is your problem. You need to go get help and then we'll be fixed.

This is our problem. And I think even that right there thinking, you need me. I love that you guys were so open and honest because Curtis, you needed Jennie to take those steps to say like, I need a counselor. And so to realize like, this is our issue now and God's not surprised. God knew that you guys were going to get married. He knew this was already in your background, Curtis. And so God is wanting to use this opportunity where Satan wants to separate you.

God's saying, I'd like to bring you even closer into one another's lives to fight for one another. And also Jennie, to fight for yourself of saying, I can't do this. I don't know where to go. I love that there's so many counselors now that are so helpful of walking us through the steps. And I would agree if you feel like this one's not working, this counselor, keep searching.

Yeah. And I think, you know, as I listen, I wonder if you agree, Curtis, you know, Ann is my ally and she's my partner and she helps me win. You probably feel the same way about Jennie. But at the same time, if I struggled, I didn't want to tell her because it would hurt her. And she's my soulmate. And I felt more comfortable telling a buddy who's going to hold me accountable and just sort of keeping it a secret from Ann because it's like, why hurt her again?

I'm just going to win this one alone. It never worked that way. I thought it would work that way. It was like, I really needed to bring it into the light with Ann and let her into the battle. But often it hurt her and she either really got hurt or mad. And so then I lied. I mean, we got to a point where she said, do you struggle on that trip?

I'm like, no. And I was lying because it's going to hurt her and she's going to get mad. And so then you got this double whammy like now I'm living a lie in my own marriage. And I said, I would never do that.

Did any of that happen with you guys? Yeah, absolutely. I mean, and again, I think reiterating that if either person in the marriage is struggling with pornography is not the other person's fault, like it is 100% that person is struggling. That other person can be a support and a helped in the fight to overcome or they can exacerbate the problem, but they are not the source of the problem.

But yeah, definitely felt that way. And Jenny would testify that she did not always respond well, which then makes it harder for you as a husband to respond because not only do we see it as I'm going to hurt her, but we sometimes see our spouse in this struggle as an adversary, somebody who's opposed to it, somebody who's against us, who's like hunting and trying to uncover and detective and find out all of our problems and then jump on us and accuse us and attack us. In the book, I really try to help husbands understand that you need to see your wife as your second greatest ally in this fight.

She is for you. And nobody has a greater vested interest in your growth in this area than her besides Jesus. So Jesus is our number one ally, your spouse is your number two ally. And then you have three to five guys that are your other allies that are helping you in this fight. But until she's on board, it doesn't mean if she's not on board, you can't continue that fight, but you're not going to have all the resources that you're ready to fight this battle as you will when you see her attempts to help you overcome sin as acts of love for you, not aggression or attacks against you.

I mean, that was a really big shift for us as well. What would you say, you know, I asked the wives to speak to wives. What would you say, Curtis, to a wife that would be helpful for her to understand to help her husband? Yeah, I would say help her understand, like don't give up on him, but lean into the problem. Well, his sin is not your fault, as you mentioned, and it is your problem together. And you will be his greatest ally.

And it's not just as a sex object. There's so much more to the relationship that you're going to help him. And Jenni points really wisely to Abigail and her counsel to David when David's going to go crazy and just kill Nabal. Abigail is an example of a wife who stands in the gap for her family, even to the point of, and I think Jenni actually got a lot of pushback against the book when they released the first chapter of her book online. A lot of hurt women were saying, hey, your book's called Reclaim Your Marriage.

How can you reclaim your marriage when you're the only one fighting? And she was like, these are the women I'm trying to write to because I want to encourage them and give them boldness to fight for their marriage and to stand up. And there are a lot of people who would say like, wives, you should never confront your husband. And she really wisely lays out in there, no, like you actually need to. If he's your brother in Christ, you are responsible to confront him, even to the point of if he's refusing to get help, refusing to confess his sin, you're going to need to do that for him and get him the help that he needs.

So she's just a courageous woman and offers a lot of courage to women to do that. And when you use that word confront, we're not talking about angrily going after him. I mean, Jennie, did you confront him and how did you do it?

I did. I mean, my counselor and I developed what we thought was the start of a good accountability plan and we sat down with him and said, these are the things that are going to happen. And I think it's important when we talk about that, we talk about accountability.

And then I think coupled with that, we think of what does appropriate vigilance look like in day to day life. And it's a few things are important. First of all, if you are trying harder than he is to maintain his purity, you're going to end up being a babysitter or the porn cop or just a nightmare, really a nanny. Well, this was one of your number one lies for women in your book.

You say my vigilance and discernment can fix his porn problem. That's a lie. And that's what you're talking about.

Right. And that is absolutely a lie is the Holy Spirit is the one who's going to ultimately change a husband. And so I tried to make a delineation between babysitting and helicopter hovering over your husband's purity and saying, if he's cooperating with the spirit, there is an appropriate vigilance that says, you know what?

I love you. And I understand that this porn industry is ruthlessly coming after people with smart technology they're making targeting you in the same way that the swimsuit company targets me every spring because they know it's, I'm going to be looking for a new swimsuit. And so they're throwing ads at me.

The porn industry does the same thing. And so for me to say to you, it's a really heavy burden to bear, especially when I know this is an area that you're tempted. What can I do to make this burden a little lighter? And then you begin to be able to work together to say like, this is a team effort. I want our home to be as safe as possible for you.

I know you go out into the world every day and you work hard and you provide for our family. So when you come home, like what can we do to make this a place where you can rest and you don't have to worry as much as possible. Don't have to worry about porn coming into this space and attacking you. And so that's what I've tried to delineate in the book is to say, obviously, no, you can't reclaim a marriage with a husband who is hard and fast. This is what I want.

I'm going after porn. That's a different situation. But if you are married to a believer and he is struggling and feels that pull of the spirit, like he's falling, but he's also getting back up, like there's so much that can be done by a godly wife in that situation. That's so encouraging to hear.

I think for a lot of women, a lot of listeners like, okay, there is hope. How do you discern he's fighting and he's not, you know, giving up? Like as a wife, when did you realize, okay, he's, he's a good man and wants to win this battle.

He's just struggling. Yeah, I think humility is the marker to look for. I think for us it was seeing Curtis come clean about loopholes that he had been using to say, you know, these are kind of there and I could look at them, but I really won't for him to be strong enough to say like, that's a weakness to me.

We need to shut that down. That humility, can you be specific about that? Like what's a loophole? Yeah, I think for a lot of people, Covenant Eyes or some other kind of accountability software is really prevalent now, but, and now they're constantly catching up with things. But at the time, if you had Covenant Eyes on your device, especially on mobile devices, it was a browser only accountability.

So if you had an app outside of your web browser, where you could access illicit images and nowadays like social media is just so easy to go. So having apps on a mobile device that couldn't actually track your activity. Now with certain phones, they have screenshot accountability. So it just randomly takes screenshots of whatever you're looking at.

So there's an added level of accountability there. But not that's not available on even all devices. So like for me on my phone, she has the I can't add apps to my phone. She has the password for that.

And we just take off all the apps that can access any kind of internet. And if I want to update apps, I have to go to her, she has to unlock the phone, we update the apps, lock it back down when that's done, stuff like that. Jenny, do you ever feel like his mom like, oh, I have to give him his password?

I really don't. I think that the fact that he wants me to do that is another marker of his humility for him to say, I don't want to have this temptation in my life. Would you help me out in this way? I feel grateful to the Lord every time he comes to me and says, hey, unlock my phone, it's time to do some updates. I just thank God and say, you know what, Father, this is a sign that you're working in him.

Thank you that I can be part of it. Can I add one more thing to the markers of humility that I think might be helpful for your listeners? I would say one more, for me, really significant thing that shows me his humility is his tenderness toward me and his willingness to listen to my sadness. So even in writing this book, there were things that we had to discuss more in depth that we hadn't really talked about in the past. And so just for me to be able to bring those up to him and say, you know, I've forgiven you for so many things, but I'm still sad about some things and we haven't really discussed them. And I'd like to tell you some more and just to have him weep with me and say, like, I'm so sorry that I hurt you in those ways. I'm so glad to know those things. And I think earlier in our marriage, there wasn't that tenderness in those moments of confession.

There was more, he was a little gruffer and a little more at a distance with me. And so I think that's something that wives should look for in their husbands is just a desire to say, like, I understand my sin impacted you. Please tell me more about that. I want to know you in that suffering and I want those things to become deterrence for me in the future. When I think about this temptation, not only am I deterred by my love for Christ, but I want to be deterred by my love for you and ways you've been hurt. I don't want to revisit those. And I don't want you to have to revisit those things.

Part of it is, I mean, the biggest part is the Holy Spirit's repentance, like working repentance because a non-repentant person is defensive, a broken and contrite heart doesn't try to defend oneself. So she would bring up things and it's like, yeah, it hurts. But just an acknowledgement like, well, I hurt her way worse and I need to understand how she hurts. And then also seeing it as just a way of loving her and fuel for me to fight that battle still just added, added levels, like she was saying of motivation to fight that. And one thing I'll say about her being a parent or whatever, it's a little annoying.

It's a little irritating that I can't, you know, if somebody tells me about an app, I can't download it right there. But you know what, like that's an opportunity for me to grow in humility and to continue to trust the Lord. And really the better thing is that guys, you know, the pressure that you're feeling, if you want to fight this, you know, that internal pressure of like, I've got my phone in my pocket and it is a pull. And there's a pressure of like, am I going to give in? Am I going to go look tonight?

Am I going to go, you know, whatever. And to just have that removed is such a blessing. And so I don't see it at all as her being my parent, but her being my ally in this fight and her carrying a burden for me or helping build a defense for me that I wouldn't have. And now it's like, like she said, our home kind of is a porn free fortress, right? Keep the enemy out so I can come home and relax. Cause we all, you know, I was in the military and we talked about going out outside the wire. You've got to be on alert a hundred percent of the time, but you've got to be able, you have to have times where you can come home and rest and just kind of let that vigilance down.

And if you don't have an ally, like a wife, who's going to help you fight those things, it's really hard. So you begin to see those things as acts of love and blessing and affection and grit and help rather than adversarial and investigatory. We just celebrated our 19th anniversary. And she said, when we were celebrating, this has been the best year of our marriage. And I said, I wouldn't say the happiest, but I will say best. Cause it was just, it was just a hard year with a lot of other things, but hard isn't necessarily bad. Now, why is it the best?

Why did you say that Jenny? I think it's the best because of his tenderness toward me, his affection, just our growing friendship over the years that gets sweeter and sweeter. So those things are a treasure to me. I think the other reason it's the best is because I think we're at a place in our marriage where we are moving toward trust full throttle. I think in the past there's been hesitancy or there've been not as long a season of repentance and growth. And I think just to see this long, sweet season of him walking in faithfulness and me being able to trust him more and more. And I say that carefully because I think we wives know it's a different kind of trust.

You know, when that trust has been broken and has to be repaired, I don't think it's exactly the same kind of trust that a person would have whose husband had never struggled with pornography. But I think that's also so sweet because in that suffering and in that difficulty, the work that God has wrought in us, and even just the opportunity to say like, this is where we've been. Now we get to help other people with this difficulty to see God take that thing that's so hard and so bad and use it for good is incredible.

And I wouldn't trade it. For the men, Curtis, like what's one next step that they could take to begin this healing journey? And then the same for you, Jenni, as a wife, what's the next best step? I think wherever you are in this struggle, talking to somebody about it is going to help no matter what. Even if you're to the point where you've been open, you've been honest, you're growing, sharing that story, turning around and using it to minister to somebody else will help.

If you haven't told anybody, you need to tell somebody right away. So no matter where you are in that journey, talking about it more, somebody recently heard on a podcast said sunlight is the greatest disinfectant, right? When we get it out in the open. And I think what Jenni was talking about a minute ago with the increased tenderness and love and humility, that's just the spirit, right? Like I can't create that in myself. And part of that humility, like being willing to write this book, being able to come on and talk to somebody about it, it takes more trusting in the Lord, more trusting in the spirit to be like, yeah, I'm a sinner saved by grace, period.

Jenni, what about you? I would say to wives, once you're in a place where you're getting good care, you're getting counsel from a pastor or a counselor, another wise, godly Christian person who really understands what the value of marriage really understands what the Bible says about forgiveness. I think that your next step is going to be lament.

I think taking your pain before the Lord and telling him honestly where you've been and how bad it's hurt. I think that's the next important step for a wife to take. We'll hear what kept Jenni from divorcing Curtis in just a minute. But first, Curtis and Jenni have two books available. The first is Redeem Your Marriage, Hope for Husbands Who Have Hurt Through Pornography.

And secondly, Reclaim Your Marriage, Grace for Wives Who Have Been Hurt By Pornography. You can get your copies at familylifetoday.com or by calling 800-358-6329. That's 800-F as in family, L as in life, and then the word today. You know, podcasts and other resources like these are only made possible because of like-minded, dedicated partners like you. You can give and help families all this week at familylifetoday.com or when you call with your donation at 800-358-6329.

That's 800-F as in family, L as in life, and then the word today. Okay, now back to Dave and Anne with some parting words for the Solomons. Thank you guys for your courage for helping so many others and exposing your lives so that we could all be better and closer to Jesus. Yeah, I mean, I would just add the courage it takes because it's so much easier to just keep it as a secret.

First of all, in your own struggle, but even as a couple, just say, we're just going to keep this one. You know, when we wrote Vertical Marriage, it was like our 10-year anniversary story, nobody's ever going to hear that one. You know, now it's because it starts with a book and then the porn struggle thing, nobody's ever going to hear that one. And you said it earlier, it's almost like God takes our pain and says, I'm actually not only going to redeem it and meet you in it, I'm going to use it. And I'm going to ask you to share it because there's others that need to be ministered by it. And you're doing that. And thank you for that. This is going to be a gift to the Christian community. We need help.

And we need couples honest like you that are living in a place of hope and grace that was a struggle before. It means we can all get there. But it's a journey. It's a long one.

It's a hard one, but it's worth it. Thanks you guys. Thanks. Thank you.

Yeah, thank you so much, Curtis and Jennie. Listen, we've all been offended before, right? I mean, maybe you're offended right now that I assume that you've been offended before. Well, next week, the Wilsons are joined by Brant Hansen, and he's going to talk about not being offended.

And how do we not get offended when we feel offended? We hope you can join us if you want. No pressure. Okay, but some pressure. On behalf of Dave and Ed Wilson, I'm Shelby Abbott. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life, a crew ministry, helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.