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February 17, 2022 9:00 pm
Husbands, wondering how to really love your wives? On FamilyLife Today, hosts Dave and Ann Wilson share what women need and how to go to the next level!
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So today is man's day on family life today.
What is that mean what I mean is that really man's day for men, but it's really for women, like let's talk about how to really really love our wives well all is women's day today. It is a mean in some sense of men do this women benefit the last benefit your whole life will benefit men welcome to family life today.
We want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most and Wilson and Dave Wilson. You can find his life today.com for our family life, family life today.
I've been told anytime buddy and I don't do this well so I love you all.
I really said earlier, you honestly said that I did not do a good job of loving you well cherishing you we got yesterday, but I feel loved. Think you will and I didn't feel loved, because I felt like a lot of other things were your priority before our relationship that we talked yesterday about Ephesians 5 said husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and we even tried to say you know love is lost its meeting so we said let's use were cherished as men know how to church stuff.
Here's a definition get the chair some is to care for deeply the treasurer to hold dear and you basically were saying. I held dear. I treasured my job more than you. And when we would have these discussions, I would tell you that you would get so angry and you would say to me that is not true.
My job is not the priority.
You are the priority and then we just go around in circles and this was our continual battle.
I would say this is what I'm feeling you would say you're wrong. There was always a good.
I mean, I think, as I think back to it doesn't we never have this conversation anymore, but still struggle in every marriage in our marriage and current days that this was 30 years ago and then 20 years ago and then 10 years driving it. Let me ask you is a better way better. Again, I don't know exactly was going through my mind when I would get defensive, but I think I got defensive because I was hurt. I thought I was doing a good job. I was making an effort, I would've told my buddies yeah and man. She feels loved by me because I'm doing a good job, loving her and then you come home you say you love me. We were in the crazy cycle is Emerson Ed drayage calls that because I felt like you weren't loving to me and so then I would get hurt. And then I would disrespect you and when you felt disrespected were less loving, so we were in that continual cycle and we do know how to get out down all I know is it took years for me to receive your truth which was you didn't feel love. How did you stop getting defensive. Think God soft in my heart to go back to what we said yesterday about Ephesians 5 husbands, love your wives comes out of the context of this is only possible if you're filled and controlled by the Holy Spirit of God. I think the Holy Spirit does work and says soften your heart.
Listen, I remember the first time I had said I feel like were not connecting. I'm feeling like other things are more important and I'll never forget the time you said tell me more what you mean by that, and I was shocked because if I would've said that in the past.
We just gone through our cycle again but this time just by you asking me that question. I felt incredibly loved it. I think defensiveness in a marriage is one of the worst things can happen. I mean, here's the thing, we won't do it. We all have blind spots. We all have things we can't see in some ways God gives us a spouse as eyes see things that we can't see in ourselves and we hate it when our spouse points but think about this if one of the purposes of life is to become like Christ, which is honestly true from the Bible we are called to become like Christ. But we won't be exactly like Christ until were in glory. Tim Keller calls it in the meaning of marriage when we are in our glory cells.
So every day as we move toward the end of our life is a is a chance to be sharpened in an molded and shaped into be like Christ. And guess who God gives us to help us do that our spouse and it's sometimes really hard but it's a gift.
When your spouse can look at you and speak truth and hopefully that said, gently and lovingly. But truthfully, this is what's going on our marriage so I what I would say that the guys men yesterday. Your homework was ask your wife does she feel loved and she said no.
I hope you get defensive like I always did. That is a chance for you to go really help me understand why not and how do I make you feel loved and today were Natalia, let's get into how to make you feel love every we said in our vertical marriage group and book we said you know, here's four ways to love your wife. Give her time. We talk about that yesterday talked with three A's in the middle because I want to have conversation we said touch many guys like all firearms about touch will talk about nonsexual touch and then finally the last one was truth.
In other words, she is longing for spiritual partner in the marriage it even in Ephesians 5 that we read yesterday. It's something I never understood in verse 26 he says husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. That's 25, 26, is that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she may be holy and without blemish. I never really understood that, what does that mean I think, again, there's lot interpretations on that but I think there's a part of a husband is called by God to help lead his wife spiritually to bring a spiritual dynamic relationship to bring her life through Christ that she would be holy and without blemish. She would be her best version of herself, because of the man she married and that he's bringing Christ continually get a little humble serving way it is so Christlike it draws us as women to our husbands when they live like that as the servant leaders. You've always said that makes you feel loved when I do that and secure like man. My man is walking with God.
I can trust him. I respect him.
I want to walk with him and I know that he serving Jesus in his life matches his words and really sure what to try to do today don't know full time to do it is talk about three ways that you can love your wife and again you have to ask her if these are true for her but we read a book years ago called his needs her needs subtitle how to affair proof your marriage by Willard Harley. When I read that I thought oh, if I do all these things right. It will guarantee that my spouse will never cheat and were not saying that you can do all things right may not be about you, but we can do our best yeah and so what he did and there is a just listed what he said as a counselor after 3000 couples stop by me as a woman top five needs of a man is a chapter on each one. Long story short before I even read the book and we said this vertical marriage. But before I even read the book I was like looking at what's he say the top five are for man first one was you and say respect. He said sex no intimacy for man Mike. I like this guy.
I can really discuss, but then I looked at the top five for women and sex wasn't even mentions remember brother what do you intimacy with even the top five for a woman that I was like how can I be about five I show it to you again. We had read it yet you look at it just the chapter tell you sit on the first rear intimacy to a woman as I won the world. Is that okay guys write these down or log them away in your mind and then go to your wife and say is this true for you because here's what Harley said. The top three are over and talk about this he said number one affection number two conversation number three honesty and openness and let me tell you don't need to know what form five are because if you get the first rewrite it doesn't matter what form five are but as I read that I'm like okay, help me and and you get to do this for the guys today help us understand what affection is. If that's number one.
By the way you think is number one I think is different for every woman. And I think I'm sorry guys but it's also different in every phase of our lives. In some ways it can feel different, like my needs when I have little kids might be different for now as an empty Nestor at the number one is affection and I would say that is true for me in the way I would word this is keep pursuing that pursuit makes us feel like oh we still matter, were still important and when you put affection with that. It just means you're pursuing in a loving way years. Affection is going out of your way to show her that you love her by calling her texting her, holding her hand, opening the door if she likes the answers and affections bigger than touch desire affection. I think about touch or hold her hand kiss her up with your arm around her. To me it's all about pursuit and Mike noticing if you sit across from me from a table and you look me in the eyes and you'll just be like hey how you doing me and Mike loves me.
You're acting like I never do it the way you said that is like once in a year or month. I just saying that that affection to a woman and I would say that it is nonsexual touch, and I think when I told you that you are very confused by the word like what does that mean it is good for a man understand it, even for me to understand affections bigger than nonsexual touch or just affection isn't just physical touch. Yeah you said to me many times when were on a date or were even in the kitchen anywhere just the phone away pursuing just your knee.
Don't look at the phone turn it off. I would never said that's affection. It feels like you're continually pursuing and that affection is just part of it. I remember being married for a few years thinking how we hardly ever hold hands anymore. We hardly ever kiss affectionately anymore unless were in the bedroom for purpose and I remember thinking I really really miss because it's wooing you.
You know it's going mean that I don't know what percentage would be, but I would guess a good percentage of marriages don't have a lot of affection anymore and it's understandable why we don't were busy.
We have kids we have stressful jobs were struggling with our parents that are aging. There so many dynamics going on that are pulling us away from one another that we have to purposely pursue one another and guide you, and I think it's really helpful for God understand that affection is a lot more than the bedroom and often you know we have the struggle in our marriage for years that I was frustrated with our perspectives that were different about the intimacy in the bedroom. Yeah that I didn't think you were as interested as I was. It took me years to learn that you are just as interested. There is no affection and affection outside the bedroom. Like you said pursuing you talking to you, even touching you and kissing you with no agenda, except I love you and I want to touch your shoulder.
I want to hug you said do you you feel cherished and we would get in fights because probably my own baggage of sexual abuse. So if you would come in the kitchen and just not undergrad and body parts should say I felt like really, really, you now can you just not touched me in a way that's loving apart from any sort of pursuit in the bedroom and I didn't understand that and I always used to think was your your problem and I realized it was my problem. I would just say guys if this is your marriage, which it was my marriage. It's on us to love our wives as Christ loved the church, which means ongoing put aside my needs and even my wants and desires and say what will look like for her to feel loved by me and if it means hugging her, holding her hand. Just thinking like guys if you put in your phone like put it as a reminder come in the door, hug my wife say thanks for all you're doing for me, me not getting to the but just to hug her to look at appreciate you so much. Thanks for all you do for us and I know it's of health on the floor guys, I'm just telling you like as though like with you little kids crawling around the kitchen and grab in your leg chaos. I mean we are over our son's house and toys everywhere.
There's not an inch. You can walk to the living room and we been there, you know, when we had little kids. It's hard to be affectionate. Oh, absolutely I will.
I was bad where like don't hug me. Let's just get some stuff done with the kids right now is bad on my part to because for our kids to see just for a time and night for us to hug each other and say nanny really matter. Marriage matters kids this matters. This is important. Your mom is really important and she's amazing. That would do amazing things for your kids. You gave to do admissible like hit the pause button stop, but I think we have to be really purposeful, put it in your phone. Don't forget hug my wife tonight and tell her she's amazing. At some point and go out on a date night yeah I say going first was affections.
I was conversation. How does that make a woman feel loved and cherished. I'm different from a lot of women I feel like you are more detailed and that you'll tell me all about your day.
Your tummy conversations but I want to know how are we doing what's happening in our relationship, and as soon as I say that like anything for doing. You have no words left you might say I don't know or I can just tell you look like a deer in headlights. You want to talk about it. Why is that again it goes back to get defensive because I'm going to guess that you're not thinking were doing as good as I think were doing.
In some ways we are doing as good as I think were doing because I want to live in a pretend world is going to deal with the truth but that's a good point for us as women. I was bad at this. I would only talk about how were doing when we weren't doing well and that I should of said men are doing great. That would have really bolstered you you doing now you said a lot. Now I were doing well you're doing a great job. I feel love, dad affirming a man and brings life to a man we do better. Yeah, everything were doing good. Were going to do even better for think were going to do bad wielding waiter is mad and angry or we withdraw way and we pull away and do less. So I had to learn. I mean, affection is biggie a conversation goes with the third one with this honesty and open like you're saying when we do talk, let's get real little bit I want and here's what I think Harley was getting into. As a wife feels love when her husband is honest and open only with her. Yes, that's important.
Which means I'm sure my struggles my ears. I'm just being we can remember we call level V communication were such a superficial level I, level V is I'm sure in my heart with you and know what no other woman get set that's off limits. Off balance for another woman to get my heart I feel like it's really easy, especially with young kids and busy jobs that you don't go to this level V communication where your sharing your fears, your insecurities know what was a makeup wife you love because we feel connected to you. It feels like you trust us that you're being vulnerable and when someone is vulnerable. That's like the most precious.
It's true intimacy, psychospiritual intimacy, to me, even I remember when we are probably married, how no 15 years and you are doing all these big Pro challenge. We called it with the athletes you take Detroit Lions to schools you do assemblies in these high schools and then you would share a great message about Jesus. If you could in the school of public schools or about drug abuse and so I remember this one time you came home from those you are usually really pumped up. I could tell there is just something off and is most women can tell we can tell when our guys are just a little off and so I kept saying I put in today something you don't seem like yourself, was that they were.
They had to be one of the athletes because while the players can go and so had to put on this Pro challenge tank top and I'm standing beside Chris Spielman who is a linebacker and ghetto Chris Millman and tank top is a site to be seeing his muscles and is a weight room guy you're young you great to me and I think that beside Chris Spielman was not that big a deal and it was pretty embarrassing. So I'm standing there in one of these teachers who doesn't think I can hear them mean there's a gymnasium full of 1500 kids in all these teachers are standing beside us were under the basketball hoop to introduce us to run out this center court and I hear this teacher maybe 10 feet away, turned to another teacher and say hey who send little guy down there because they knew all the players I know why I was standing there in a course Spielman hears it goes. Hey dude, you think your little guy. I just act like I did. Then I hear the other teacher go. Oh, we must be a kicker or something, and Spielman just laughed. You don't mighty laugh. Always aside because he knew I used to be a quarterback and you know if I was a blow to my ego and it was is that again nothing against kickers are awesome their incredible so my best friends are kickers with the liens but to think that I went from being a quarterback who you know was all-conference to now, I'm a kicker type body. So I came home that night. It was one of those moments again. It wasn't like the end of the world moves just like that's who I am now just as little scrawny, skinny guy that has no muscles in people look at me. So when you said how the day go. I was like all is greater than you kept probing your demeanor was downcast and tell what happened is I told you, well you know this teacher said that is yet you telling me all of it and you are's super vulnerable.
I was honest and open.
Yeah, he basically said I'm that guy anymore. I feel like who am II don't even have anything to offer and these guys are amazing and I'm just this old chaplain and you said I said Dave Wilson you look at me.
I remember I was strong and I said let me tell you who you are. You are a man of God they got. I guess that if you because I remember better knew the very thing you said is you have a great life I really have exact size you can lie in your marriage but I remember you say that first day that I smiled and then you said don't you forget the most important thing about a man is who he is not how it looks and you said you are a man of God who loves Jesus who loves me who's leading our boys to Christ. That's what matters. And you are a good good man.
All I remember is sitting there thinking while I thought I was sorta given you a gift because I know when you honest and open and then Sharon, sort of, you know, weakness, or a fear I had an insecurity and I got the guest you know.
I remember the night better than you do.
Probably because like how you spoke life into me you love me and you felt loved and you gave me an incredible gift by being vulnerable. I say I don't know if I have what it takes to for those women listeners when our men are vulnerable and when they can share a weakness on what they really feel it's like we've been handed this precious gift and we need to be careful how we handle it we don't squash it.
We don't make fun of it. We don't ridicule it.
We don't agree with the lies that they're believing but we speak the truth as you said earlier from Ephesians when were filled with God's spirit we would say the things that Jesus say back to our men and she would speak life to them and we have that opportunity to do that to each other.
Yeah so here's what I would say to the guys guys you have a chance to love your wife as Christ loved the church fact he's commanded us to do that now you know what it looks like that again.
You have to ask your wife does it look like affection, conversation, honesty and openness, or does it look a little bit different, how it is a little like get the vacuum cleaner out and help me clean the house yet I could get to what I again we so yesterday was I got a date. If it's not tonight schedule it in the next seven days or maybe take her away from home and sit down somewhere to have conversation and show some affection as well.
By the way the sun happened just one hour a week. This is your life now and then be honest and open and say okay, how do we get to the next level in our marriage and how can I love you better and then listen and take steps to do it. I was gonna say Dave.
Maybe it be great to listen to this podcast together like send it if your wife, you don't want to do this in a nagging way or manipulative wipes. I had listened to this today and I'd love to talk about it saying that you're in trouble. I want to say that I think that this would be a great conversation and send go out with how you were and I would say that you think I think we have a link on our website a family like today.com if you would like to set this program to a husband or a wife so that you can begin the process that Ann Wilson was just talking about you can prime the pump for a healthy conversation about how both of you can do a better job of loving one another as those go both ways and in fact in their book, vertical marriage, David and Wilson talk about not just what wife longs for.
But what husband wants for in marriage. That fact. I was thinking about couples reading through the book vertical marriage together. What a great assignment. What a way to strengthen your marriage or making the book available to you this week if you could help with the donation to help advance the ministry of family life today, every dollar you donate to this ministry helps us reach more people more often with practical biblical help and hope for marriage is for families.
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