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February 16, 2022 9:00 pm
What does love mean to your wife? On FamilyLife Today, hosts Dave and Ann Wilson share simple questions for husbands to ask their wives and why it matters to hear what they have to say.
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I bet you I can tell you sentence in the Bible that you didn't even know was there only stump and I mean dear Miss go through the Bible 16 times in 16 years so you know the word you've read this many times, yes I did notice semiannually is in there they know how it said this, but God actually says I'm not in stood in your prayers. Don't waste your time about this in a certain situation on think of what it's all the husband's fault.
Welcome to family life today to help you pursue relationships that matter most and Wilson Wilson. You can find his life today.com or on our family life, family life, and I know some husbands of herbicide heard this, but I've never read the last part repeaters, writing, and he says likewise, husbands live with their wives in an understanding way yeah the way that's where were going today showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life here is so that your prayers may not be hindered first Peter and all those years that our prayers were answered because I get is a wellspring for the lion's ex-wife lies never one know what is really interesting. I mean he doesn't say don't bring your prayers to me. I'm not interested but it does say to husbands to live with our wives to love our wives in an understanding way and if we don't yet affect our prayer life and fascinating.
I was really only just teasing about our prayers not being answered. But when I read this before. I thought Nan. That is a lot of pressure for husband. Oh yeah and what hit me just there.
They were a dog. But today is husbands live with their wives and understanding way in the NLT the new living translation is treat your wife with understanding, treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered, and I thought okay here's my question.
Do you feel like I have loved you and treated you with understanding the answers yes you guys say yes sometimes.
Now I was going but I think in our early years.
Yes, you have loved me well, but I think every single person that gets married is at some point disappointed in their expectations are. Yeah. And I think we as husbands don't know how to love our wives. I think it could today is about, you know, this is for the husbands and get help.
Husbands learn how to love their wives right and I had to get it if your wife listening today and her husband's not listen. You gotta figure out some creative way to get him to listen to this broad without nagging or manipulating dad just put a toilet will be there for us when you hear yeah so here's the word that we start because a lot of us who grown up around the church, or become a follower crisis a husband know that the Bible says we should love our wives. A lot of men don't even know where this is.
But it's in Ephesians 5 is the longest sort of passage on marriage in the New Testament is beautiful and it's actually revolutionary at the time because women were not considered what Peter said right there in chapter 3, co-errors, they were equal. They were valued, but in that culture, they were not value. So when Paul says love your wives as Christ loved the church he was elevating something that wasn't done in that culture. He said if your father Christ in the church.
It looks different. Women are special and precious and valued so many are supposed to love them as Christ loved the church. But before we get there. I got get into the context I never want take a passage out of the context of what he saying and really do understand you gotta go all the way back to the first verse in chapter 5, which is 24 verses earlier, Paul starts Ephesians chapter 5 displaces therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children.
We could do the whole broadcast on that one verse be imitators of God. It's a command to Christ followers imitate in the Greek means to mimic mimic God copy God, as beloved children and again he sort of reminds us of our identity. We are loved and loved by God as his child, as his son is his daughter and because of that he says mimic him copy him. Another words the world should be able to look at a Christ follower and know what guys like it so interesting as you say that because to know what Jesus looks like what he did what he said. How we live yet to know your Bible, you have to read it to understand all this is what it looks like to copy Christ. Yes, so how could you copy someone you don't know right so obviously you start there, but I mean the command is sort of scary because if were honest, I think we say I can't do that copy, imitate, mimic, like my life my words, my actions every minute of every single day are going to reveal the people, the attributes and the character of God.
That's like impossible, and that's exactly what he wants us think you can't do that. So you go down 16 verses later again.
Context later in the chapter we read this verse in verse 18 of Ephesians 5 says do not get drunk with wine for this debauchery, but be filled with the spirit so in a sense, he said okay I told you your command is the mimic or copy or imitate God. Here's how you do it. He says don't get drunk with wine for this debauchery and people get lost in that verse, I think it's about drinking and it isn't. I mean it's just so beautiful how the word of God is he's like when a person is drunk with wine, they are controlled by the alcohol it will cause you to do things and say things that you would never do as a sober person, but you do as a drunk person. Paul says that's a waste of time. That's the box tree but using that analogy says instead of doing that.
Be filled with the spirit. In a sense, again is so beautiful how powerful in specific and unique. The word of God is he saying don't get drunk or be controlled by wine or alcohol because it's a waste of time.
Yeah that word debauchery means foolishness on waste that we all know drunk people do really stupid things they do things they would never do sober he say and be drunk controlled by the Holy Spirit of God.
In other words and I say which is beautiful. You'll do things you would never do.
If you're not controlled by the Holy Spirit.
Other words you can mimic imitate copy Jesus in the power and control. The Holy Spirit you could never do that as a sober Christian that I don't mean Silverton turns out climbing without the Holy Spirit in your life is only way you can really do it is to be filled with the spirit is really interesting that phrase be filled is a present tense verb continually be being filled is literally the. The literal translation keep be being filled, which means every drunk person knows as if you've ever gotten drunk, hopefully, is never happier life.
But if a person wants to stay drunk with alcohol. They have to keep drinking drinking and same thing with the Holy Spirit of God. It is in a one time thing. It's like I continue to allow God to be in control my life and keep being filled with his Holy Spirit so that I can accomplish what is called me do which is imitate him and then out of that context comes this passage that we've heard many times as husbands and all think we understand what it means that today's the day were Angus to tell us men. What does this look like to a wife, and I know everyone is different so it might be different for your wife but generally it's pretty much the same thing in verse 25. Paul goes on the say husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish in the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.
He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church did that make you feel pressure as a man as a husband. That's a big command yeah and I think it makes us feel pressure but also makes us go.
I don't know how to do that.
Looks like which is why were talking today is like, okay, somebody help me understand what that looks like and so often when I would just have a conference with manner or do a message for men. I would talk about okay we want to be a vertical man, which means I want to find my life vertically in Christ only filled with the Holy Spirit. Every second is a husband as a dad is a man and what would that look like and I talked about three characteristics of vertical men oriented today is about one of those but I say this of vertical man is sensitive. There's three escorts verse one is a vertical man is sensitive what sensitive to the needs of his wife to the needs of his kids. I think when we find life in Christ, we are able to say okay I'm not married to get from my wife. I now am a giver because I'm filled with Christ.
The Holy Spirit is filled me to overflow to a point where I can now give preach rather than take you know that is all about what you doing for me lazing around once you're in Christ and this is obviously heaven for the wife as well. But it's like no one is no longer about my wants and my needs and my happiness. I found that in Christ and I know often.
We say that we don't really experience it, but it's real a real dynamic walk with God fills you to point words like now I take my eyes off myself and I look at my wife and say okay, how I love her. What does loving her, as Christ loved the church, as Christ loved the church, is a great pictures like he lay down his life for the church. Obviously, one about him.
It was about us. He gave his life to love the church and so the same thing for husbands like that about me about my needs and what how I lay down my life to love my wife and so it's interesting. We've always said we said this vertical marriage and even in vertical merge small group hopefully been through that. If you haven't get it and go through it with some other couples but we try to say you know love is sorta lost its meaning because we say I love my wife. I love the Detroit Lions were I love ice cream right is like what is and what is allowing so we set up a better word in the X uses the word in verse 28 is cherish your wife because I think we know what cherish means especially when it comes the things here's a definition of cherish and Wikipedia said to cherish something is to care for it deeply to treasure it to hold dear.
Related words that mean costly and beloved is a good so here's the thing you know, I know how and I think a lot of guys might be wire like me. I know how to cherish stuff things you know most guys are like.
I think most people are like that. Actually having women do the same.
Van Slyke we protect we cherish. I don't know what you would say, but could be a car for me it's guitars of motorcycle Van Slyke is my cousin my house and was to grab one of my guitars off the wall I be like stop yeah I should be the grand kids are upstairs on your Steve D'Antoni to bring their family room and you came here like something going on you run up the stairs and you quickly like take that and you really gracious that you'll hand them something different because you cherish that it's the definition because it's costly and I love it. You know I want to make sure they take care of this scratch guitar this Rickenbacker base. Those are precious things and I talk about him there in a humidified room so the wood doesn't war by Mrs. crazy things we do and that's just me with guitars because there's people love TVs are sound systems or cars or golf club. Okay were not what I could but it's like what would my wife feel like what would your wife feel like if she was humidified. In other words, if she was so costly to you. She was so valuable above a thing or above your job that she felt cherished and cared for treasure held dear.
You have done that you are very particular. It's great because you do take care of your things. I love that. But I do remember when I was pregnant with our first child. Our car broke down and I really trying it. You asked at the beginning of your voice felt loved by me. You now and so I was thinking about that. That's what came to my mind because I'm pregnant. The car breaks down you have to come and pick me up. There were no cell phones in the help I want Tom, but it wasn't very far and so I remember saying hey.
Just remember, is along to mature. There is like 36 years ago and somehow exactly how long ago that's not how that sentence, and so on.
I got home and I say we really need to get this fixed because I'm pregnant and I was only I don't know three months pregnant, maybe. And so I come out the garage and you're super excited ego to take it to the mechanic because I think you are super proud of yourself is pretty far out. It was a standard shift car so it had a stick shift with the clutch and you know I've cherished money we didn't have a lot of money, so Mike this can cost several hundred dollars. Get a new clutch or whatever. So I realize what happened. As I crawled under their cable that connected to the clutch pedal had a knob that went through this little loop in it. The knob broke off so is like all I need to do is put a knob on the back of this pedal through that loop and it'll pull so I mean I'm averse to say this now based on what ended up happening, but I put a vice grips on their and I clamped down supertight to grab that cable and went through the loop and so when you push the pedal. The bad thing is it sure was clunky because you push the pedal. A vice grips with sort of pump uncle could have at the pedal and in and it held in you could drive and how is my car and I'm thinking now.
Like why did you try that car is only whatever and just tell how can a seller to the get to know three months later, when now work for three months is pretty good days and we share this before, but Dave's opted this event a big fundraiser and I'm supposed to meet him there and what and that happening is I'm driving.
It's late at night it's dark and it's winter and that vice grip falls off so the car breaks down on the side of the road. I'm all dressed up. I am already at the event high heels. I find there wondering where is snowing and there's snow on the ground and so again there's no cell phone, so I stop at somebody's house and I can show my belly like hey, my car broke down, and as you can see I'm pregnant and wondering if I show your belly like sorry for me as I like your opening. No telling them that like I have little little baby bump and so they said were sorry that we don't allow people in our home and then I went to the next door they're gone so and up walking miles home and because so far I start little exaggeration cutting through know it weighs 90 miles to the yard over fences in my high heels and the whole time I'm so mad at Dave because I'm thinking it's car for his pregnant wife and I finally get home I keep my clothes and neighbor takes me to the event.
I walk in the door fuming.
I'm so mad I'm feeling so unloved, so unprotected, and the first thing that happens is this woman comes up because the events over me. I'm standing there after dog to people like you missed the whole event and so when I see you walk in on my way here in the world have you been, and enough steam is coming out of my ears and this lady rest is that you Dave Wilson's wife and I said yes and she said oh he just finished speaking, he is really amazing.
It must be something to be married to him and I sat there you guys. I was so angry and I said you know that's a good way to put it but it is something being married to him.
Okay, that was a really bad night in our marriage and you're now 30 some years removed from that I couldn't see it in the moment because it wasn't just that night. That was a pattern in my life that I now see I cherished other things neighbor over you and marriages.
This is what it feels like for many of us as women, we are in our engagement time. You guys are amazing like you want me you wound me, you were so attentive you are pursuing me at all costs. And then we get married and I'm feeling like the world your guitar scale more important than me and so your job felt more important, I think my skill at like man.
His job is way more important. His golfing schedule and his hunting schedule is way more important and I'm at the bottom of that priority list is really hard yeah it's crazy to think that in my life. I was even standing on the stage as a pastor or marriage speaker saying husbands, love your wives, not realizing I'm not doing this very well and some of it was just reprioritizing my values. What matters and I would say you were the most important thing in my life and it was absolutely true, but I wasn't living like that. I wish loving cherishing other things. My job my schedule Detroit Lions chaplain travel with the team is doing all this stuff and I think that your attitude.
It made me feel like you just thought I was needy to be so needy you now and I'm just wanted to be loved. Yeah, I think when ever you brought it up member. This yeah I got defensive very and I would say you knob spend the time it job because I love you provide for you and I'm providing for the boys in our family and this is my way of showing you I love you. Why did that say I love you because it made me feel like know you love your job and you're finding incredible pleasure through that and I knew that you are providing and I was thankful but I think for women. We really long to have that relationship yet. I think everyone is different obviously impact every woman might be totally different than you yeah but I mean it's like in every man's different but I think at the core. Every woman longs to be loved every guide us to actually longs to be cherished. I think as husbands we need to know specifically what love looks like. To our wife.
What does my wife say love is and you know we set a vertical marriage and even in the small group we said you want things that I think every wife would agree says I love you is spending time coming time for this relationship or marriage is not on the calendar like it wasn't for us.
We said it was but I let other things push it out even if we had a date night and I got a speaking engagement there was going to pay me in honorarium I was thinking that provides for the family, we can move the date night to the next night and guess what happened.
I take the speaking engagement, so I'd be gone you be home with the kids and then we would go out the next night and the next thing you know it's a month before we are spending time together to say, this relationship really matters in things that matter get time on your calendar right yes. Not just saying that that to every wife says I love you right yeah and I think what happens is we gradually drift and that's what we say at the weekend to remember getaways. If you are pursuing and persistently going after your relationship in a positive way of pouring into it, you will naturally drift toward excellent so here's a homework because there's Olga doing the next broadcast room talk about three ways to really cherish and love your wife before we get there.
Here's your homework for tonight guys asked her what says I love you I can tonight. You have go on a date. If you can go on a date with her, but if you can't get the kids down or get whatever responsibility you have put away and sometime before you go to bed tonight and I'm putting this on the guy. The husband turned your wife and say what makes you feel loved and take notes and when she sells you ask your follow-up questions like what does that look like, how do I do that this could change your entire marriage and then by the way, this takes us all the way back to the beginning when Peter said, live with your wives in an understanding way. I don't think we understand their wives. You don't it doesn't mean she's a weaker and weaker vessel doesn't mean she's weaker, emotionally, physically, she might be weaker. She is probably longer.
I noticed that with and she's stronger.
I am emotionally, but I don't know what it means to live with her in an understanding way. How can I learn I need to ask her to apply. Yeah, that homework assignment is just for people who been married for five years or less. The process of living with your wife in an understanding way is a lifetime assignment and things change over the years Miriam and I have talked about the fact that what speaks loved her.
Today is different than it was 10 years ago. So for every husband asked that question. What is it that makes you feel loved Mother's Day Wilson said, take notes, probe a little deeper. Tell me more. That's a good homework assignment for any of us. You know, Dave, and I am have been written about how we can love and serve one another better in their book, vertical marriage, which is a classic book that were making the book available this week to those of you were regular family life today listers who can help us with a donation family life today would not be here if it weren't for listers like you calling or going online and saying we believe in this ministry. It's helping us we know it's helping others. We want to see it grow and expand.
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Now I know that this is the time of year when a lot of church small groups are getting started up again, maybe you're in a small group where you guys are going through a book study or something at family life. We've got a number of small group resources that couples have found very helpful.
Recently, I do a series on my book. Love, like you mean it, a 10 part video series for couples to do in a small group setting.
There are many of these small group studies available and you can go to our website. Family life today.com to find out more about them right now between now and email@example.com. If you use the promo code new year 2022 will save 25% off any small group order so go to our website. Family life to.com.
If you're looking for something related to marriage or parenting for your small group go to family life today.com and check out what we got available and again use the promo code new year 2022. To save 25% off now husbands does your wife know where she is on your priority list for that matter, do you know where your wife is on your priority list and I don't mean you know the right answer to them.
What's the real house that being lived out in your favor and I will some talk more about that tomorrow to live on behalf of her house statement will some about the pain so you back next time for another additional family life today, family helping you pursue the relationships that matter most