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December 13, 2021 9:00 pm
How do you get your family to operate as a team? Jefferson Bethke gives his insight to start creating a family legacy.
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So Dave you are the chaplain for that Detroit Lions for over 30 years. How many had coaches did you go through well when you lose football games and you don't win seasons you get new, they go to so I was through.
I think 12 okay so based on that.
How important is it to have a head coach that can really lead the team is critical eye. In fact, I saw heaven so I times I could tell you when the coach lost the locker room and sure enough, when the season ended, it was fired to get a new guy and it lasted two or three years, and again I saw that 12 different times and so it went like this. Welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most and Wilson and Dave Wilson and you can find us if family life today.com or on our family life app family life today as we think of ourselves as parents, moms and dads do you think that we are the coaches are what I coaches we really are and we can lose a family to know if we don't do it well and so I know were not dealing with the think that when Jimerson Becky in the studio today.
Welcome back to family today. Thank you yeah and you know your new book. Take back your family.
You talk quite a bit about this and I don't know people know you because you are wrote originally the book Jesus of religion, which became a New York Times bestseller. We read it. Everybody's Reddit unison. What's it like that. The home is where special 22 years old… Yeah just got done as good as that one such even yeah well this would take back your family.
Obviously now your writing as a husband and dad you got three kids you got one of the studio with the scare can Gary just got her headphones on Netflix letting great to have.
Yeah, I wish to bring one kid on a special trip when working. It's fun so you're speaking you're an author you're super passionate about family when we talked last episode. Some of the bigger vision stuff but I think what you guys are why lover you lead on this next one with coaches and teams so that's one of our core things we care about. We believe that God designed families to be strong team strike teams a connection go on mission for him in his world to do the garden mandate of raining and ruling subduing in all these things in the model that Jesus teaches us. By the way, which is in dislike with no overpower, but actually sacrifice, love, etc. just in the same way that Jesus rings rules to back up one second.
Yeah, because we we did hit a little bit in the previous session about raining and ruling buddy Alyssa 30,000 foot totally two minutes maybe. I know it's hard to do. Yes, but you give us a picture of God's design for the family. Yes what you mean just so when when you go back to Genesis right that where we get these all these original concepts of creation of sand of sexuality, a family of marriage, all different types of things you see yeah that the God's original design for family was to be lucky he created something to bring his reflection divine goodness of Tony's being image bearer, essentially two, by the way, in his goodness and his blessing out to the world didn't create robots include a Board of Directors. He created a male and female businesses. Did you know which they can. That's not that wasn't his kind of step one or intent wanted what he did as he created a family I got was his first idea was like how I want to bring my goodness and blessing into the world. I'm going to create you knowns. The long phrase we use, but a multigenerational family team on mission and all of those phrases multigenerational comes from the be fruitful and multiply like you can't do this project unless you want to kids and those kids often want to kids and then team right multigenerational family teams. Teams celebrate differences while just speaking at a young adult thing a couple days ago. You know when my points was the Western concept of dating you want a clone right.
You want someone who looks like you talk like you act like you because it doesn't hurt.
It doesn't stretch you it's not difficult, but a team is the exact opposite a team you actually wish to have people who are not like you. I need someone who can fill in the gaps that I can't give you a different position exactly obviously you know I walk around NFL locker room and Yolanda got back exactly that you guys all guys you guys so they said that they can be a really good time and so than that the team apartment on mission would be, you know, God says to go, be fruitful and multiply make beauty out of chaos in our brain and rules, you know, subdue all those to return things and that's not the original blueprint for family now obviously it's also not a coincidence that the first place. That Satan wanted to enter was in a family and marriage.
The very first place. He attacked the very first place that the curse felt was through marriage and family so that dramas and playing out ever since. I do believe God has a vision for strong family teams in two by the way, I think a lot of us. We sure that we think oh, it must be the two parents and the two kids and you know in a nice dog or whatever and it's like to me. The thing that strong and powerful about the family team concept is it's actually not the Western nuclear family concept to be a teams means to be a team so something should have one coach sometimes you have to coaches.
Some teams are to have a huge team. Some things are and have a very small team, something that I go through difficulty, something you have trades I don't know what you mean, like all different types of things and I actually like that analogy because it lets everyone fit did I mean when I think the nuclear ideal this picture we have of getting the two parents to kids and a dog a lot of parents and families feel weighed down by shame without because like I can't be that I don't look like that or I've lost my chance or whatever. When this concept to begin a team and a family team, everyone fits. And even on top of that single people fit right so the other day was like oh you talk all about. You know all this family stuff or not a single people on this model average of last name they said yes, then you're on a family team because like we don't define it again by this 1950s. Leave it to beaver honey I'm home thing the scriptural model is like links in a chain so it's a web and you're connected to a web whether you're single, whether married etc. is all now get on tangents and wrath, but that's essentially what I would talk about what kind of gets to you and when you start on but that was the first thoughts I had was that helps me or any husband, any damn mom dad realize our role is significant.
Yes, he now has a client yet hundred percent. It's like this is not where justice of God designed as a family to have a major impact. He said multigenerational mission to be our focus to impact the way out the analogy of using the book was that it is helpful for some people, and of course like analogies and metaphors that break down at some point to note the pocket to heart is the way I say this I think God created parents to be coaches. A lot of times in the West we default to babysitters using the values in their right so babysitters were very successful and you will pay them lots of money if they can do one pretty much one thing you could see that my life and life.
Yes you safe and alive K and fed and entertained only like two and three. Okay now no one would put any of those values under a coaches job ascription right. I need to keep this player entertain right and fed and likes safe will sure you keep them safe. But that certainly isn't the reason people coach almost the opposite right I would even say sometimes coaches are trying to stretch players to a borderline if not unsaved, but do I mean just like a nudging of like the way put in the book is like I had coaches growing up I played baseball life like they believed in me more than I did. So they had a vision of me that was farther than I could ever even picture and so they would push me there because they knew like that. Not because they didn't like me or didn't want me to be sent back to that a better bigger vision for me and then in the what you finally reach that it's this crazy epiphany like oh this box gets checked in your brain is like a man they they knew that they saw that they took me there and I didn't agree with it six months ago. That's what it means again be a coach. The coaches are primarily about future when babysitters more about safety. Coaches are primarily about the mission coaches are saying like what here's we have a practice schedule.
Here's are here for games look like. Here's where the championship is told by the way, all great great metaphors for family what is your championship what your mission want to practice is look like what's the point of you guys existing but is again a baby sitter is none of that.
Another analogy to I don't like in the West as we call families. The nest and my kids are flying the master empty-nesters.
Whatever, that's a horrible analogy for family right little birds are to grow up they feed them a little bit again the keep, entertain, and what they do, they century, to come off the ledge and say well figured out that I may never come back to back exactly they never come back and someone die because they fall off the Life is like a horrible analogy for the family right. I think it should be more like yes you should go out but again it's raining and ruling and stewarding to then also then kind of create a web multigenerational web of impact of mission of all the different types of things plays a bunch of examples in the book of families who are doing this well it's difficult and it takes like decades. That's thing to tell people this is not like do this wisdom in your life be better in five minutes. Like I use the Rothschild example I think of the book but actually got cut so it's not in there, but the Rothschilds one of the most wealthiest families in his human history. There legacy money, but it all started basically of them getting into banking around the 17 and 1800s.
Now the dad was lower to middle class.
His entire life basically was, like a popper and like the king's family and like a bookkeeper, but never like scraping by his whole life. But he had a vision from when he was young, and it's written that like our son week we will be a banking dynasty and we will have children, and banks all across the world and is like ever left and because it never look like that right is justice again justice in a lower lower social economic class.
Kind of like grinding it away and for like 2030 years I was his vision and to and he has all these kids he started to train them. Still no fruit, no fruit, no fruit, and then he basely dies and still barely any fruit and within a couple more years after his death he had five children had wayward children, 505 and specifically went to five different regions of the entire world. They basically beat all the companies to being the first regional bank of the canal banks were local and tell them they were the first people to be global like the first global bank even before companies and it was this family and after the debt that is as a cake. We have a lot of players on this team and here's a strategic play.
Strategic play as you go on this continent. You go on this continent. You go on this continent and you gotta be able to communicate to you guys like each other and love each other. You mail the trade into all these are types of things in the net literally that one generation and they were the wealthiest. The input impacted almost every single war there was a loan in the books for almost every single war for about hundred years to crazy story right as a father with a vision that I'm very particular in saying this to a father. The vision that barely saw any fruit even while he was alive because his vision was bigger than him side. I just wish more families had longer bigger visions visions that outlast them.
That should be passed when they die, but it's a cool metaphor. But what if we did that spiritually write what if we were spiritually try to create these dynasties of like mission and love for the Lord. We want the L'Enfant at least don't know how to Delia something called your scouting report yeah Becky Scalia part will yeah this is just a fun little tool. So again you can lean into the team stuff. So far because it's like such a perfect metaphor right is only really two genres of our marketplace that do teams very well be in the family doesn't like the last episode because we been turned consumer oriented industrial revolution, but there still two places that do it really well in its business and it sports either of those. If you're consumer-oriented you do die, the team will go under the business will go under it that you have to be mission focused also won't work in CSI use a lot of sports analogies and one that I do theirs. I realized I was playing college baseball.
We always fill out the things called scouting report on the other team.
Where is like you know this person throws this mom many miles per hour. He is a good slider. He tends to do this in these pressure situations, etc. just like really knowing the other person saw that was a fun thing to do for our own team. So then and so I just it's a fun little way to encourage families to say hey can you fill out a scouting report on your kids we have on our site family teams.com but it's like what are they love what are they not love mortar, maybe some proclivities of like sin or what you'd like to lie as their most tempted like that's a big one.
I think parents even, and it was with that kid. What is the false narrative and ally at a macro level that they are most susceptible to.
I think every kid has like one or two capsules you know the just like this light creeps in their head gets in their brain and Satan uses it and so what's the truth to that life and you can go on for you know what they likely to like, etc. like the whole family comes alive when you start writing this stuff down and communicating you know who else needs that his parents yes because I'm thinking of a husband who feels like I'm not a good member of the team via I don't have what it takes you. My background is so messed total and so flawed.
I'm so young. I have nothing he needs a wife that appellant has. Here's what you're adding to BT go to leave me not the CIC. The kids like totally unattached to you will assignment this you get your championship teams Greyhound teams have great coaches who understand the roles of their players am even talking about. Okay understand your family member scouting for you. What about a family that is blended yeah you know, and so we got right deal joining us yeah and this is he's a present family blended this all Ron thinks about it as a gift to the world to blend so I know he's listened and discovers his own.
Okay it's a lot different when you have one here in coaches.in unity of the auto run. Welcome to family life and let's talk about what this means. Through blended family and it's good to be back with you guys again appreciate you invited me and this is it's a really important and interesting conversation for us to have because there are lots of people who have family structures that are wide and very single-parent families, blended families, adoptive families, multigenerational families living under one household. You know I think one of the important things that I'm hearing embedded in what Jefferson saying and I hope I don't get this wrong, so feel free to correct me if I am, but something I've been talk about for years is that you know sometimes we get so focused on structure that the message we inadvertently give the people who don't look like that nuclear family of the 50s and 60s is that somehow your messed up and wrong and bad, because you don't have this structure to parents. 2.2 kids living in the home.
What I hear embedded in what you're saying is the qualities and attributes that are functional that make up health yeah are things that are true of every family structure.
I mean I think that's biblically very important for us to stop and think about all the things that Jesus talks about that. We need to do and who we need to be as people has nothing to do with the structure of your home. It has to do with who you are, how you live and how you invite other people in to that process beside you and when you're talking about a family team think about a team that is highly functional. People know the roles people play their part. They do what they do they are getting better at their role and their place in the home.
It didn't really matter whether you have 40 players on the team are 30 players on the football team with a bunch people sit on the sideline of what matters is that people are doing their part in what happens though when you're blending a family and you now have these new step kids in your exam about your new team here at step kids are thinking. I don't want to be a part of this team because I was in a team before I'm still wanting beyond that old team. You and mom wrecked it yet.
There's deftly difficulties trying to get to definitions of relationships. Thinking back to the Detroit Lions every time you got a new head coach somebody was bound to say it always. I still like the old so then there's somebody else on the team gonna know we need some fresh perspective this this person is going to be great. Well okay so we have some people that are loyal to the head coach and some people that are not the head coaches trying to find his ways, trying to navigate in you know is you guys were talking I was thinking no stepparents adoptive parents of foster parents there sort of like assistant coaches there still a dad out there there still a mom out there so such a great metaphor for but now somebody else is stepping in and coming alongside not replacing, not firing, not not moving that other person out of the child's heart but now I'm an additional person and I think of the stepparent came in with that mentality that would be an advantage because they would be thinking I'm here to assist David welcome it exactly. I'm here to come alongside. I'm here to just help teach you something that you don't already know, but I'm not trying to be the head coach and so it's that diplomatic wise approach that allows for the relationship to develop and for adult and child to begin to figure one another out and over time those relationships are gonna grow and evolve, and I think you know is your stalking run in a blended family, and even in a not blended family you have that assistant head coaches arguing disagreed on their forget one year you won't believe this, we started out in Detroit. Six and oh delay in the room believe this. We were simple. I would let out a believer. There is 2007. We are six and we believe this, we want to get on the cover of Sports Illustrated like look at the Detroit Lions know this.
On the outside. There is a delusion with that coaches yes it when I was a renters. We had our offensive line coach that were not run the ball not to corners it were winnable against him among his will, he ended up 7916 and only much longer gain and loss.
I have been a family hundred percent bright yellow because I mean if you say in the families like a team has got to be a winning team down.
How do we keep from imploding good question for all you guys with more age and more wisdom. The only thing that shot to my head when talking you talk in his yard as I love that the tea metaphor here because it can it's endless it's MS on how valuable you can extract like it's one to one. It really is one to one is what's valuable for team your communication with learning roles within even we talked on the bad side with coaches disagreeing in a brief conflict and toxicity, but what one little tip that I would say to that I think is helpful is you know there's a lot of research to back us with sports teams are from is not exactly real knowledge is metaphor, where basically the better the head coach and a captains relationship is the better the entire team is in the more successful they are something that are little side nugget to the talk about two of the base correct as the oldest goes. Everyone goes, generally, or at least have a very uphill battle if the oldest goes and mean you want to bring up back in like I think sometimes we think coach as we think like command or whatever when really it's about capturing the heart capturing the relationship you you notice what should you see on sports teams right like the coach and the captain almost like a best friend feel evenly had a mentor mentee like it's this there's a connection there. So I just really tell parents I can encourage like lean and that is much as possible into capturing that the oldest heart and it's crazy how it's a little bit of almost like an incredible strategy. Let's talk practicality on how do we do this if our families just been going with the culture were just flying and were going fast and feel like everybody's going a different direction.
What are the practical steps we can take to bring our family back in place for the whole life and for me I member one toxic team I was on where there is division notice feeling that whatever in the coach just pushed a hard eject button if I can't member exactly what he did but as bases like everything stops in working to solve this right like to try to keep going when I can shut it is let this kind of bleed out and I think we even went on some retreat just like I like I thinks I think families I wish they earlier earlier in the journey would be like all hands on deck to break all hands on deck this the relational part needs to be solved if the funds but yes I do think that's that's huge. But in a raw mode you say you know I like that and when I would just add is going back to Ann's question. You know when things are hard. You go to the head coach that's sort of the old cement. I let's all get on our knees. Let's all get humble about who we are and the changes going to start with me. You know, sometimes it's easy to say well we get these people here in these groups over here. These players are not doing their part. It always starts with me. I always do my gut check. I look in the mirror I go to the Lord.
I say who am I supposed to be an ice go to work on that. That's where it starts now. I think if you get a bunch of coaches and players who do that all of a sudden it's a softer environment and look at each other and go now we gonna deal with what's hard between us and forgiveness gets more easy mercy, just sort of shows up over the situation so there's always that humbling down process that starts the change in the right direction doesn't mean it's easy.
At that point release were moving in the right direction asked that that's a good word out on thinking this is I and again you can take the analogy, let's do it is doing his personality. I've often watch even when I played, but especially in the NFL watching Detroit Lions. There will be times where the players would call players only meeting yeah it's when everything's Bonaparte and lose and lose and lose and we need to get coaches out of the room. We need to talk number one your my son was a Detroit lion he's playing on the team in East and they had a players only meeting and all of us that aren't allowed in our thinking, what they talk about the I had a son in their site on Cody what he was dead. It was the worst meeting ever. Nobody led nobody stood up and also like what you guys want to say nobody really said anything to him. It was waste time. But here's the thing. Tell if a right or wrong when the coaches called a meeting ever said Jeff Sanders, things need to happen there's a pause button. We say we need to get on her knees. When you do this, something great happened when the code has a part of it and said okay, maybe I'm missing some there's some wrong and his team. Let's talk and coach in the course were talking the parents are part of the meeting and there will it be like Ron said, be humble enough to say, are we doing some wrong damn how we lead in the wrong direction was soft dance when some great to have a family. My right yeah parents are part of that player is only meeting daily meeting that I love what you said that the parents have gone before the father first. Yeah. Yes, Dave asked for his wisdom, his direction, and the Holy Spirit to lead us.
Generally, the family there was a sitting thing to say I went. When parents lead in repentance gets so powerful and that it's gets compelling. The password for yet. My final thought would be there might need to be a meeting tonight and some homes and says there's gotta be listeners and were in a crisis point. They always do anything if on the head coach there where the head coaches. It's a time for a come to Jesus time for me and for us and it could change the trajectory and the legacy of the family and interfamily community to that we have. We've we see not what one thing we tell people is if there is a lot of tension or anxiety, whatever. In this like quality meeting right like that but also set a ground rules like nothing is off-limits to that tone of like you get one tomorrow you're grounded like you got. I think sometimes when there when it's at that place.
Yeah, if you're not letting the full honesty bear. If you're not letting the full you know. And if you're parenting to prepare your heart before him dislike just take it. Just listen to state most was parents know if you're prepared for that mental state, you can take it is not when you're reactionary you don't yeah let it breathe, let them say what they want to say I think you can be really compelling. We used to call it the last 2%. In other words, we have a meeting thereby say everything and then right before you close during go. It really is there. The last 2% you held back into and usually there is that's good thing.
I was totally honest but not completely analysis percent often got into a place you would never want again a listing to David and Wilson talk with Jefferson Beth Keough about healthy family communication. I'm thinking about how our families really are the home team and when we get together we need to have puddles and we need them. Locker room meetings, and sometimes we need to just get heart-to-heart with one another. We need to keep the lines of communication open, but we need to recognize in the midst of all of this that were on the same team were supporting one another.
We love one another or for one another. We got each other's back in that environment where everybody feels secure and safe. There can be real strength and real health and real hope Jefferson. Becky has written a book that addresses that very issue and helps families build a strong home team. It's called take back your family. It's a book we got in our family life today resource Center.
You can go online to order your copy of the book or you can call one 800 FL today. Again, the title of the book is take back your family by Jefferson Beth key order email@example.com or call 1-800-358-6329 that's one 800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today ask for your copy of the book take back your family by Jefferson Beth key. We recognize here at family life that it's hard for families to keep the home team strong. There are a lot of factors working against us in this culture that are trying to push us apart rather than bring us together. Your family has probably experienced some significant challenges in the last year and at family life.
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Everybody in the family. There's an enemy who wants to take you out. Jefferson Beth key is here again tomorrow. We hope you can be here as well on behalf of our hosts Damon and Wilson on Bob team will see you back next time for another edition of family life today. Family life to a is a production of family life accrue ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most