Marriage: Breakable, But Beautiful

Who taught you what marriage is? What most informed your view of marriage? When you think about marriage, when you would define it, who most informed that?

And I think it's gonna be different than you want. Like somebody's gonna say, well the Bible or God or my Sunday school teacher. No, it's probably Hollywood. It's probably movies that you've seen. Most likely your parents, whether they stayed together or didn't.

Those around you. All you know is breakable marriages and for some of us, broken marriages. And I think this expectation is a major issue and something to blame as we think about this reality that we're not getting better at marriage. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson and I'm Dave Wilson and you can find us at familylifetoday.com or on our Family Life app.

This is Family Life Today. So we've got a message today from JP Pacluta. Yeah, and we love him. Oh yeah, this is a message he gave at his church, Harris Creek Baptist Church in Waco, Texas.

I mean, he can preach. And this one was on marriage. He's walking through Ephesians 5 and it is just some really, really good teaching on marriage. Yeah, I think our listeners are gonna enjoy this. Yeah, so enjoy it. It's been kind of a nostalgic time for me as the the season has turned colder and just thinking back. And so this week in particular was just thinking back to our place in Dallas and some relationships there that we left. And I was I was scrolling through some pictures and I was reminded of this swing that we had in our front yard. It was a disc swing that someone had made for us and gifted to us. It was this wooden disc and we had hung it on this tree in the front yard. And so here's a picture.

This is, you see Presley there. You kind of, you look over the door of the house, you'll see Weston, my son, swinging on this swing. And so they loved this swing. Like they would go out there for hours, no lie, and just just get after it on the swing. And because it was in the front of the house, the neighborhood would come. Like it was just very normal for me to be sitting in our living room, look out the window, and see two or three kids that I didn't know, you know, on this swing playing on it. And we just kind of said, hey it's a free-for-all.

Anybody, which always made me a little bit nervous because I hung the swing and I was just like, you know, at some point. But my kids would go out there. They would have a big time. They loved this swing. It was such an incredible source of joy and entertainment and just just a fun, just a source of fun for them.

And one day, on this particular day, like the whole neighborhood is there, it seemed like. There was like six or seven, eight or nine kids kind of huddled around this swing, all backed up, and they were swinging each other. They were taking turns.

I heard the the giggling kind of coming through the window. And then one person, it was, they were an oversized kid let's say. They ran and like jumped up and landed on the swing and it just hit the ground. The disc just kind of went to the ground. And they were okay.

No hospital visit. I mean they were a little shaken up, you know, there was a little bit of tears. But what was, everyone that had enjoyed the swing was circled around them. And they just kind of like looked like, whoa, it can break. You know, I think their minds were going back to when the times like they were flying through the air like, praise God, it didn't happen when they like shoot them through the neighbor's house, you know.

I mean, praise God. But it's, so the guys on the ground, like there's some tears there, everyone circled around them and they're like, it's breakable. And all of a sudden this thing that was this amazing source of entertainment and joy and life and fun wasn't anymore. Now I fixed it. Like I went out there, made sure everything was okay, put it back, did a double knot this time, like secured it well, like every thing's fine. Like okay, hey guys, it's fixed.

Y'all go ahead. They're like, uh-uh. I mean, no, no, it's fine now. It's actually better than it was.

Nope. I mean I couldn't at this point get them to play on this swing because from their perspective they learned something. They know that thing that's supposed to be fun and full of joy and entertainment and enjoyment is breakable. And I think this is our view of marriage today. This gift from God that was given to us, this covenant of marriage, all we know, every single person hearing this right now, the only marriage you know is a breakable marriage.

The kind that doesn't necessarily have to last forever or even a lifetime here on earth. All we know is breakable marriages. And I think this informs the way we view it and what we do with it and what we think about it and when we think about it, how we treat it, then how we approach it. I think we need to have a little family huddle and say, hey, how are we doing? How are we doing at getting along? How are we doing today at marriage? And so what's happening this morning, I want to talk about real marriage. Real marriage, the mandates, the mission, and the mystery before you leave here talking about the mystery. And I just want to ask you, who taught you what marriage is? What most informed your view of marriage? When you think about marriage, when you would define it, who most informed that?

And I think it's gonna be different than you want. Like somebody to say, well the Bible or God or my Sunday school teacher. No, it's probably Hollywood.

It's probably movies that you've seen. Most likely your parents, whether they stayed together or didn't. Those around you, all you know is breakable marriages and for some of us broken marriages. And I think this expectation is a major issue and something to blame as we think about this reality that we're not getting better at marriage.

We're not getting better and we have more tools than we've ever had. More things speaking into this, but it's not something that we're getting better at. And so for my single friends who already has rolled their eyes thinking, oh great they're talking about marriage, not relevant to me.

No, it's especially relevant to you. Because we can capture you at this time and help define your expectations. Because Monica and I do a lot of premarital counseling. And a lot of times we'll have the couples take what's called a prepare and enrich test. And then this test, it will show us some special areas of interest.

And so here's a few of the questions that are asked there. One is, you answer true or false to this. My partner will meet all of my needs for companionship. Most couples say true. That's of course false. My partner's interest in sex will be the same as mine. Most have said true.

Again very very false. I believe I know everything there is to know about my partner. That's just a funny one.

Skip that. Nothing could cause, this is the one that every single marriage I've done has missed. Every single one. Nothing could cause us to question our love for one another. And they say true.

And I say you're going to question your love for one another before you get back from the honeymoon man. Like that's that's happening. That is in reality.

So those are some of the expectations. But here are the stats that we're living in. In 1960 seven out of ten people in their 20s were married.

Compared with just two out of ten today. So we're getting married later. This come from Pew Research Center in 2014. For the first time in history the average American now spends more years single than married. Again getting married later. About 50% of first marriages end in divorce. Again from Pew Research Center.

Now maybe you've heard that's 35% or 32% or 45%. Listen I'm not gonna be done preaching on this until it's zero. Like until we get to a place where we have an understanding of an unbreakable marriage. I got a call the other day from a friend actually of a wedding that I was a part of.

Not one I officiated but but one we were at. And she just said I you know we're struggling. I think we're incompatible. I think we're incompatible.

And I just got to say you are. Because you're two human beings. Two sinners.

Two sinful human beings. And though you were both created in the image of God. You have different interests. You've been raised in different homes. You have different hobbies. Different likes. You you approach conflict different. You are very incompatible.

I liken it to you know God made them male and females like oil and water. All we've done our entire life is really repelled each other in some ways. Like this is like we're just different.

Opposite in a lot of ways. Like like two ends of the magnets that that push each other apart. And yet then we get married. We stand before a preacher and we say you know for richer poor and sickness and health until death do us part. And then we go on the honeymoon it says for this reason man will leave his father and mother be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh. And so you got the two flesh two people. And so then it's it's it's one. There's like this this oneness that that takes place in marriage where we are forced to get along.

To learn how to adjust to each other and meet each other's needs. This is a picture of biblical marriage. So we've been listening to JP Pacluta give a marriage sermon at his church. I'll tell you what that guy's good.

He is good. And the exciting thing is he's gonna be on the Love Like Amina Cruz speaking on marriage as well. And you can not only come on the cruise with us but if you sign up right now you get a special discount for Family Life Today listeners. I really do hope that people will take advantage of that because it is a great week on the ship where you go deep with one another but you're also learning so many biblical principles about marriage. It's gonna be a great cruise. So let's go back to JP's message.

He sort of dives into something. The S-word. The S-word. I'm gonna be in Ephesians chapter 5. Rather predictable text on marriage.

It could have went somewhere unpredictable but why not just dive into where the scripture covers the topic. You'll notice that I almost always take a passage and break it up into three sections. That's not because I think it's cute or it's not something I started doing when I became Baptist. It's something that I do because study after study after study say that our minds digest things in threes and I use alliteration at times again not because it's a cheap party trick but because everything I do up here is to try to take the Word of God and press it into your hearts and minds. And so if you leave here and you get in the car and something's memorable and you guys can talk about it and it shapes who you are that's a win.

And so that's that's why I do that if you've ever wondered. As we move through Ephesians 5 we're gonna look at the mandate of marriage, the mission of marriage, and the mystery of marriage. Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Such an important line okay because it cloaks everything where we're about to go. Everyone, all of you, husbands, wives, male, female, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. To be subject to each other. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit but in humility consider the other person more important than yourself. Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Hold on to that that's important. Wives submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church his body of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. You could underline the word submit and you would do it a few times there and we don't like this word.

In fact a lot of people say oh that's outdated it doesn't apply to the 2000s today this is an old idea. Some of you are already angry you're thinking about okay how do I look like I'm going to the bathroom and just get back in the car. Hang tight. Hang in there with me if you would.

Let's let's keep going. I think I mean all I did was read the scripture so far right so it's so hang hang tight with me. And you might think well that's young the Holy Spirit took his hand off the will and Paul started writing something rogue right there like Peter writes wives in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands. Again in Colossians Paul writes wives submit yourselves to your husbands as fitting in the Lord there there's something in this now it doesn't say submit to a man this is important single friends doesn't say submit to a man and doesn't say submit to sin if a man is asking you to sin don't submit to him but it's talking about something even greater than ourselves it's it's talking about Christ in the church I'm nodding Paul is nodding the Holy Spirit is nodding where we're going in this text you're starting to see stuff where did you learn about marriage I think it's different than what you think it is and we don't like this idea of submit and what's interesting about that is the scripture actually said we wouldn't so when you don't you're just playing into what God told you right at the beginning was going to happen because in Genesis chapter 3 when sin enters the world this this perfect relationship our relationship that worked well between a husband and wife the first husband and wife on the earth all of a sudden it's fractured and it says because it's fractured this is what he says will happen he says to the woman he said I will make your pains and childbearing very severe with painful labor you will give birth to children your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you it says your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over your desire like your desire but I read that I'm like well that's not so bad you know but but that's not what it means where it says your desire in the Hebrew that word he shows up again just a chapter later with Cain it says sin is crouching out your door and it desires you it desires to devour you when it says your desire will be for your husband read your desire will be for your husband's role you will now fight him for the steering wheel you're gonna fight him for that role this again scripture says this right off the bat and so right about now the men are kind of yeah I told you you know there's some elbows going on husbands love your wife just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her what's another word and gave himself up for her what's a word for that and we came over yes I think sacrifice would be a good one and so the next time he says to you ladies hey the Bible says you're supposed to submit to me you just go back and say well the Bible says you're supposed to die and wash your hands of that and move on you know no no you the Bible says you're supposed to put all of my interest in front of your own when have you done that what have you said as you're wanting me to submit can you tell me what you sacrificed so to lead us to this decision that you want to take or what what has it cost you what have you put aside like how do I know you're not doing this out of your own interest in your own desires I submit that's the hard-ass we spent a lot of time talking about that which is always confusing to me because to me it doesn't even seem fair now granted I'm biased I'm a guy but I'm like submit that's the easier one of the two did you see that second ad like the world I'm supposed to play to lay my life down for her at every minute what does she need to submit to other than service this is our issue when we think of leadership we think of authority biblical leadership always every single time means service and we don't have a concept for that that's why we struggle with these ideas mark 10 for even the Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve and to give his life as ransom for many talking about leadership we get to lead right Jesus no you get to serve read that in context later and so the mandate of marriage the mandates of marriage are submission and sacrifice submission and sacrifice again Paul is beginning to paint a picture of this metaphor that is more about Jesus Philippians 2 6 says who being in very nature God did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage Jesus who was God he's not fighting the father for some authority and say nah but don't don't you forget I'm God too he plays a role equal in rank but playing a different role equal in worth in value but plays a different role equal in rank plays a different role and you say well I don't I think that's a dated idea I don't think we should play different roles in our marriage here's the deal everybody thinks that to some degree but let me just tell you that when Monica and I are laying in our bed all right we're there we're about to go to sleep and somebody kicks in the front door there's not a scenario where I'm like hey why don't you go check that out now I'm gonna wait here I'm gonna hold this down well you want my gun here take you go see who's here somebody's somebody's present like you guys you guys wouldn't want me to lead you you wouldn't listen to me we all like those ideas to to a certain degree right there's a a cruise ship that happened in 2013 and dudes were throwing women out of the way to to get on the life raft and the entire country said what a joke those weren't men because everyone knows that the man goes down and the woman goes free God created us to play some roles and so in marriage we are called to give to each other 100% and expect nothing in return which is extremely very very difficult because in my flesh I don't want to sacrifice my desires I want to do what I want to do and this alone is why we fight it's the only reason we've ever in the history of marriage have ever gotten an argument James 4 says it like this what causes fights and quarrels among you don't they come from your desires that battle within you the desires in you selfishness can I tell you something selfishness is the enemy of marriage selfishness is the enemy of marriage and marriage is a university it's a teacher it's a professor teaching you not to be selfish and it is a source of joy I don't know if you might be thinking well that I don't want to do it no it's a source of joy it's a source of fun it's a source of encouragement and I also say to my single friends like I can do anything for a moment like for a moment I can submit for a moment I can sacrifice for a moment I can tell you how beautiful you are but when I'm to do that for the rest of my life that's where it gets really really challenging that's when things begin to fade you guys remember this and dating right like for my married friends you remember when you dated each other you guys did some silly stuff I know because I did some silly stuff man when I met Monica Reuben I mean it was just like my heart was ripped out of my chest set on a platter I was hopeless I was done I became a student of her I learned that she liked TC by a place I had never been to but they had this white chocolate mousse yogurt and she liked it with Heath bar toppings and all of a sudden I found myself there every other day and I was bringing she worked at the salon at Ridgewood village and I would bring her this TC by yogurt and just you know just make it oh I was just in the neighborhood and oh you work here I forgot that here isn't this what you like here you go I got two just in case you know and I would do silly stuff I was I would leave message as it as it began to take I would leave these voicemails now I would sing boys to men to her I know it's so dumb I know I know you think less than me now but I was just like cuz I'm down she loved Fazoli's I hated Fazoli's but she was like do you like Fazoli's I was like I love it man I love man that trio get all three it's amazing let's go right and I think we view marriage like it's like the wedding rather the wedding is like when the flower is in full bloom and it's been cut from the vine and it's there and it's beautiful for everyone to see and from that moment forward the next day it just begins to fade and we've just kind of accepted that as normal when really the real gardening starts after you say I do that's that's when you start watering that's when you start nourishing that's when you start pouring into Jesus submitted to the Father's will and the Father sacrificed his only Son in the gospel you see these ideas submission and sacrifice and so marriage is one of our greatest opportunities to show the world that the gospel in the way that we submit and sacrifice for one another and so you can ask this question tonight how can I do a better job of pursuing you how can I do a better job of pursuing you and then listen don't get defensive and do it it is normal even natural for marriages to have a slow drift toward isolation over time but as pastor and author Jonathan pakluta has said today when you begin to accept that as inevitable or as just the way things are you've given in to a temptation at that point God's design for us is to tend to our marriage to work on our marriage and that's what Jonathan has been talking about in today's message we're gonna hear part two of this message tomorrow Jonathan is gonna be joining us as one of our speakers this year on the love like you mean at marriage cruise that happens the week of February 6th in 2022 cruising is back it's safe the cruise lines have been operating for a few months now everything's going fine and so we are ready to step on board the love like you mean at marriage cruise in February of 2022 the cruise is about 70% full so we're coming to family life today listeners to let you know this is kind of your last opportunity to sign up and join us in February for the love like you mean at marriage cruise in addition to Jonathan pakluta there'll be other speakers like Dave and Ann Wilson Ron deals gonna be on board dr. Julie slattery the Kendrick brothers are joining us and others artists musicians it's gonna be a great week in the Caribbean together the 2022 love like you mean at marriage cruise right now we've got a special offer for family life today listeners you can save a little money if you sign up between now and October 4th so go to family life today calm all the information you need is available there you can call us to get any question answered or if you'd like to sign up for the cruise call 1-800 FL today 1-800 3 5 8 6 3 2 9 that's 1-800 F as in family L as in life and then the word today now tomorrow we're gonna hear part two of the message we began today from pastor and author Jonathan pakluta who again is gonna be with us on the love like you mean at marriage cruise in 2022 Jonathan talks tomorrow about how we can find the hope and help we need when we've come to a tough spot in our marriage there is hope and there is help and we'll talk about how you find that tomorrow on behalf of our hosts Dave and Ann Wilson I'm Bob Lapine we will see you back next time for another edition of family life today family life today is a production of family life a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most