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May 3, 2021 2:00 am
Whether you really like your spouse or you aren't feeling anything, Aaron and Jamie Ivey, authors of "Complement," assert that "choosing together" in marriage is surprisingly beautiful. Listen as they share with hosts Dave and Ann Wilson about complementing one another with purpose.
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I think all of us would agree that the foundation for a successful marriage is love, but Aaron IV says all of us need to be recalibrating how we think about what love is. It's not enough for me just like you is not enough for us just to be attracted to each other is not enough for us to just think your muscle mates and so can work out if the really press into what is love look like with love look like when you go through conflict was to love your spouse when you don't like them. This is family life today. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson and Bob Lapine. You can find us email@example.com do you have what it takes to make a marriage work and do you understand how husbands and wives become one of talk more about that today. Stay with us and welcome to family life today. Thanks for joining us so glad this right you guys for a while in your marriage. You were pretty big on the mixed doubles tennis circuit that were known to cover the tennis may make any sense a circuit plate mixed up. You played tennis grown yes and you played football, grown-up jam, but you wanted to marry and so you learned up like I actually asked her out on our first data tennis court. So when you play devils that go smoothly for you, but I just want to say first of all, beat the first time he ever claimed I do not remember so quickly. I was so mad about the whole thing and we played mixed doubles and you would think that it be just how this is fine now.
We had a huge fight yeah I didn't get. I didn't know tennis world as soon as I realize I can play this game and she's really good. Let's get in tournaments enough so there's tournaments obviously and there. Forget one of our first it was up big fight yeah this see hit this crosscourt forehand that landed just outside the line and I was at the net.
I thought I saw one from my back in the baseline right in the other couple that were in the tournament again scalded in and I just was being a nice guy like a Christian should be right. So I just said all know it was out and they looked to me like it was out of Leo's out so at your point and I turn around and she gives me the Evaline she just she I mean steam is coming out of her like what you call you but they made the wrong call from that. We could even function wait to play mixed doubles. You almost have to have this sense of I know what you're going to do exactly and you're going to charge the net so I'm a drop back or I'm a covered this while you covered hand signals behind me. Do you have a sense and we did have a sense of I'm to do this and you can do that and it's a little bit of a picture of what marriage is like where we have to have a sense of what am I supposed to be doing here what are you supposed to be doing here to complement when I know you guys have the chance recently to sit down with some dear friends Jamie, and Aaron IV.
And if our listeners don't know the obvious, they ought to find a way to get to know this couple right yes they are wise there fine great to listen to and 1/2. I really cool walk with Jesus and Jamie has a weekly podcast. That's called the happy hour. Aaron is a worship pastor at Austin stone church in Austin. They been married for 20 years and got four kids and they have just written.
I was in a Seo book but it's actually a his book in her book right side-by-side. Both with the same title, which is complement that and that's with an even not with an audience about how we fit together, not how we flatter one another and they're talking about this dance in marriage, and you started your conversation with them by asking them to share with everybody.
How they met another fellow Telus iPhone love story is a start on that one another. When I was younger, my did not know Aaron. Obviously we met in college, but I given a Christian home, but when I was turned 16. Completely just walked away from the Lord and that's a whole another story for another day that I was pretty crazy lifestyle move back home. My sophomore year in college. And while I've been gone to college.
My parents start attending the church rareness working.
He was also in college, but your student pastor. My brother was in a student ministry and and he knew my parents and so I move back home and we meet Sunday, we met why.
I remember going down one witness or the size 1st of all, a college student should not be responsible for being the student pastor the church, but I was a medium-size church and I love doing it and I love discipling her brother. He was premise to ministry. Her family had always told me about this older sibling older daughter that they had right. Okay, sure, whatever.
I was the single guy to unstop so you are to me and I leave my side is, wrote it off on micro cancer and then you know I was also in charge of being like him in the foyer of the church, making sure people feel welcome, making sure people feel invited in, and this really beautiful college-age girl walked in and I knew that she wasn't part of the church because I knew everybody to church and she didn't look like she normally went to church unless you really short like First Baptist Church, I need to make sure that she gets connected to those welcome you know. Suppose part of the things I've been going to turn it is myself. You know, and was very professional on the pastor here to make sure you're connected can help is my number is not remember so we really mean we met at church that I was coming home and in healing from some broken stuff in my my own life in my own heart. I was in love. I just went on with my life and we became friends, friends, where we would just each other church and and one day we saw each other church and I was in love with my couple weeks and she flashed her hand in front of my face and had a big diamond ring on his like I got engaged and she didn't have it on the first year and 1/2 that we just get a lot of time from somebody and got engaged, so I was like this person's season is huge and yesterday yeah I know exactly.
So yes, I was really that out, leaving that up before I even got engaged. I was dating this guy I went to passion, you know, so it's crazy that I went there because I was a woman the Lord I was interested in walk with the Lord. I don't hi said yes to this. But actually writing a car there so she was getting connected to all things, so I invited her to go to passion with me because that's where I'm at Jesus the year before strategic and she needed a ride and I haven't been interesting in my car me so I got passion was engaged yet in detail the does not. I was I was soon to be engaged. I went to passion and found Jesus. The first time.
And so, my life changed forever. And then the next couple nights, and it did engage in the sky but my life was changing like I was a different person than I was six months ago because that's what happens when you need Jesus as your whole life and so you know the route that I realized I can't marry this guy in the time when I thought his mother is married to Scott and I got my dad's office and I'm just we have a wedding date have arraigned have addressed all the things my dad's office and my dad. My dad was so sweet and kind. He's like you have to need someone to say that moment and think I'm a let down so many level. I look back you know 22 years and think man-hours were the hardest decision I ever made. I did love that guy.
Whatever had so I have not fiancé the time on the can meet me at my office a week than to talk and he sits down. I tell him I can marry you. My life is change. He had no discussing things in our relationship had changed and I'm just like telling him I just don't think you're the guy for me and mind you just hung out like not really hung out we never be alone together. We just were acquaintances at church.
I did write a pass with him all things, and he said I understand what you looking for if it's not me and I said I kid you not. I said I don't know what I'm looking for but I do know I want someone like that Aaron I got church because we were laughing all the time.
We had a great time. You know Aaron because a lot of my past and I was like he didn't feel worthy. He's not when a girl like me and I thought he was too good for me. I had never dated a Christian really never dated a Christian guy never did anyone love the Lord. I've never been in a healthy relationship.
And so, but I just knew I saw Hannah had been around hand made me laugh and I told… How can I keep the ring that was you know early spring and Aaron asked me out like that. December and we got married a year and half later tickets to yeah yeah it's really easy ever tell you that part of the story while you're dating like I said to this guy I want to personally like you downplayed at the time wasn't all that is.
I don't think in you walked into the foyer to get married. I made our story similar in terms of different details, but you know we thought like everybody should think in some sense this is the one yeah events, we have a phrase for the woman and then you get married in their disappointment or discouragement or whatever disillusionment ended that happened and what did you do with that feeling. The first couple of years. Our marriage was super easy, honestly, and I like what you say I felt for sure so hard to know were pretty easy to easy going pretty laid-back would just love to have fun. We have very much conflict at all. We want fighters to have much premarital counseling or anything like that. So like I know the normal you should have all kinds. As we get a six week class. I don't everything from listeners, we are saying from your accountant said it's a really it's it's important it is that I guess it even read your book would be great for a premier couple, absolutely. I read our book either. So you go through a couple years I find totally says what we expected up and then there two years a come to mind that were the hardest years for our marriage was 2010 and 2020, so we can't wait for 2000 years are like this is the worst ever like a hobbit 2010 when the complexities of adding some kids to our family that we adopted in their incredible, but that was just a new thing for us, and there was some trauma related to that whole situation like there is with any adoption and that was really hard for us. That was probably the first time were restarted to have a conflict like while this is an easy something it's been added into our neocon just easy-going friendship that's making us evaluate the stuff that we've maybe stuffed a word it was, glossed over and so that was a really hard year in 2020, and it was a hard year for everybody but it was uniquely hard for Jamie and I just being in quarantine having four teenagers at home 24 hours a day for a year all kinds of things, came up, but when you look at seasons like that. That's when you realize it's not enough for me just to like you is not enough for us just to be attracted to each other is not enough for us to just think you're my soulmate so the soul can work out the really press into what is love look like when you go through conflict was about to love your spouse when you don't like them. That was all, very new for us to navigate through that so you discovered, I think a lot of couples don't ever discover because it's so critical.
We said family.
If we can remember you're not competing with your spouse, your completing in a different sense like it in that they don't need you, but they they finish one another, which is your word for complement that of all the titles and all the concepts the red marriage book about why complement because it's such a unique nursing book like it. Yeah, not just the way you wrote it differently but where had no I didn't reach you that's fascinating but why complement what sent me. My dad is a painter and he's a phenomenal painter and he paints photorealism so you look at it and it looks just like a photograph of warehouse I eat and some believe. Can't believe that it's not a photograph right. I remember you as a kid watching and paint was unbelievable because if a pallet of very simple colors is only you know, maybe 810 colors on his pallet, but simply by using complementary colors you can execute something that's way more beautiful than any one color would be on its own and is Jamie.
I think their marriage and think to the power of marriage and the purpose of marriage and even in our own friendship. We are both individual people that God made and wired very uniquely and Jamie is beautiful on her own.
She is a whole person that has her identity in Jesus Christ.
And she's a strong woman, but when God brought us together. He intended for us to be complementary. In the same nature where Jamie and Aaron together. Hopefully before doing it right and were bringing out the best in each person is actually a new color that comes forth. That's way better than me on my own or Jamie on her own and so we've experienced that we wanted help people kind of understand the that's what God intended. If marriage is in the cards for you and marriage is the ultimate thing. So marriage isn't like the thing that you know hopefully one day get and then finally a whole human being in God can use you marriage happen to be in our story.
And when God does put that in your story. It's meant to be complementary like it's really beautiful.
So one of the things you just said here and I want to come back to because like he said yes and Jamie I want you to respond to it because I'm thinking of a lot of the people that were newly married. Are there engaged in you said were learning how to love each other when we don't like each other if you would've told me on my wedding day that I'm not, like Dave, I'm not even have feelings for him sometime had been my asking about what is at six months later and actually she literally said that like anything about you say those things out loud, but what is that look like what you mean by that. How do you love each other when you don't like each other. Chapter 1 yeah what you don't know on your wedding day is beautiful because you yes you know because you two people getting married and only thing you see ahead of you is bless.
There's no way you could ever imagine what life is going to bring you. I mean, you know we been married almost 20 years and walk through not having children family was difficult sickness with IR family you know parents aging all light happens yeah now and so it gets difficult and so sometimes it's not even that, like Aaron changes and I don't like images were to human beings who on our own, which is ourselves, which is our own/our own interests our own likes and some in those moments when we are doing that down like oh this is working as assistant how God made it so when we talk about loving each other and we don't like each other for me in the ultimate example is Jesus you know and that's I think that's what I felt about the book is like it's a book on marriage but is also a book of how to just look like Jesus even language. If we all try to look my Jesus be easier to love someone when you don't like them.
And so when I talk about love.
I think man what is the picture Jesus when he loves us and and I'm by no means saying that Jesus loves us and doesn't like us because I think Jesus really fond of us, but I think that as humans we have to do things are sometimes out of our nature, so you know when we read first 2013 we read a lot of times at weddings. But Paul was actually just writing to the church saying hey you should love people like this and say yes, that translates into our marriage, but also translates into this is a human being made in the image of God and speaking about my husband. I should love him the way Christ tells us to love people and so for me at times when it's hard to where there's conflict or were fighting our circumstances are difficult. I had to ask myself, how does Jesus ask us to let people and I have to somehow by the only by the work of the Holy Spirit do that in those moments and it's difficult even if he doesn't deserve it, especially if he doesn't deserve it. Yeah it's hard really hard to notice how you said that I don't deserve it but here's a question for both of you are you the want to answer how you do that when you don't feel it. Your hurt may be really really angry and you know I want to love him. Love her as Christ loves me and I can't hear been there that absolutely before we got married. I didn't. I truly didn't know how to love people. If you can meet me back then I grew up super insecure. I grew up believing that I would never really amount to anything or do anything. I had things that were spoken over me that conform to that belief that I had and it always struggle with what I know how to love people want to know how to live well and really at the end. It wasn't about me not knowing how to. It was that I had not believed that God actually could love me that you are worthy and totally totally and so I think it's even stepping back further and further from how do you love your spouse when they seem unlovable stepping back further to do you really believe at the end of the day that you are deeply loved by God. No matter what because Jesus came to love people that were deemed unlovable by all standard measurement I should not be loved by God, that is perfect and holy, and awesome compared to God. I should be unlovable, but he chose to love me radically keeps doing it over and over again. So I think it starts with the deep-rooted belief that I am loved by God and until you wrap your mind around that and believe that it's impossible to love somebody else that in the moment you think is unlovable, but when you grasp it, then there's nothing Jamie could do or say there is no distance. There's no like big fight or argument that we couldn't get through because I believe men God loves me and so I can love Jamie because I have the love of God in the right do without. That is to sometimes it's a choice that you have to make. That's a great point, like I think I've had to learn that because when you get married like you said earlier, I would've never thought to choose one day till love Aaron today like never to around thing. You know that you do have to make that choice and I think that's what people get hung up on risk because they sometimes think like this is hard this must be bad, right or maybe I married the wrong person. Just think hard to go wrong and hard as a single bad heart just means it's hard in life is hard mean that no one listening has an easy life. Nobody. There's not one person and so I think even having to go okay so if you're in that space in your marriage. Really I'm a file I can didn't deserve my love is a choice in the morning. It is a choice at noon is a choice that five is a choice at 1030. It is like a choice that you have to make and dualities succeeded technically fail sometimes something that he doesn't deserve that I deserve more. But it is that consistent gone for the Lord, saying, I want you to love and help me do it and I don't know if you guys are like me, but I can't do it.
Apart from the help of the Holy Spirit right like it's impossible in my flesh I want Dave to serve me and love me and and do these things for me, but the same power.
That's us in the same power that raised Jesus from the dead. He lives in.
So he gives us that power right and as you mentioned in first Corinthians 13 mean I have to read this and I think of Bob Lapine's book love like you mean it, and a small group material that we have available a family life to a.com but it says I'm just think about this as your listening. Is this what it looks like for you and your household.
To love because we've all heard this and so many weddings love is patient and kind. Love does not envy or boast is not arrogant or rude.
It does not insist on its own way. It is not irritable or everything does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things any worse off. Love never thinking yes is beautiful yet is beautiful.
What we been listening to a recent conversation that David and Wilson had with Erin and Jamie IV.
The authors of a pair of books, both called complement her diversion for human aversion for her talking about marriage and talking about how we love one another when we don't like one of them and there are seasons of a marriage where you go I really don't like you right now but I still am supposed to love you and it's a choice we make, not an emotion. And I tell you, you know we've said this many times, but if you told me before marriage that I wouldn't like in said you're crazy right and a lot I know we all have our moments that he was doing. There are days I'm very unlikable to our kids not like us sometimes like Academy. It really has very little to do with love. Love is bigger than like that and that's what we learned today and the decision to love the choice we make to love as you said them has got to be a spirit enabled decision because if we try and do it on our own strength. It's going to look bad go bad for everybody when we cannot do it. Apart from God's spirit and power in us and learning to rely on him every day and to surrender to him every day and to give them our marriage every day is something that I feel like we can't do it.
Apart from him and we are so excited about the IVs new books and were also excited about the fact that during the month of May. We've had some friends of the ministry who have come to us and said we want to help you guys head in the summer strong so they have agreed that this month they are to match every donation we received from our listeners, dollar for dollar solicitor who says I will help support family life, some $25 that will free up $25 from a matching gift fund that makes the, the value of your gift worth $50 and I tell you couldn't come at a better time. This is really important for us as a ministry, like you said it's a critical time and I think it's the middle the year but it is a truly you are year-end in some way, so your contributions can help moms and dads legacies literally be changed just like yourself.
You and when you make a donation. In addition to your donation being doubled will send you as a thank you gift a copy of the book we talked about today.
Erin and Jamie IVs books complement to get one for him one for her. That's our thank you gift for your donation and in addition organ will include a flash drive that has five episodes of a conversation. The three of us have recently where we were just talking about the core lessons that I've learned from guests like the IVs in more than 28 years of hosting family life to the these are lessons on marriage and on parenting whole variety of subjects. The flash drive and the books are our way of saying thank you when you go to family life to the.com to make a donation or when you call one 800 FL today to donate them up donation will be doubled and will send you these thank you gifts just say thank you in advance for your gift. It is so meaningful to us and we are so grateful. Not tomorrow. Working to talk more with Erin and Jamie about complementing one another in marriage and work to hear a new original song Dave Wilson Road 02 Erin Jamie new best friend. It may just sweep the country tomorrow. I hope roasters could be with us for that, like our engineer today. Bruce Croft, our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson on bubble team will see you back tomorrow for another edition of family life, family life to as a production family life of Little Rock, Arkansas. Accrue ministry help for today hope for tomorrow