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April 7, 2021 2:00 am
We may never have award-winning memories of being the greatest of parents, but often the guilt and shame of our parenting mistakes can haunt us. How can we keep from being sidelined? Dave and Ann Wilson share wisdom about recognizing Satan's schemes and embracing God's forgiveness.
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When she was in the middle of raising her family and Wilson remembers being loaded down, being burdened with mom guilt, especially in the silence I would hear things like field today.
He messed abolitionists – and then I would start to worrying project into the future here at home and then I can like me. Dave is over there fast asleep thinking I nailed it today and I'm thinking I was the ultimate failure today.
This is family like today. Our hosts are David and Wilson and Bob team can find someone family life today.com. Can you relate good of you felt that mom guilt that since the your failing as a result, you could wind up as juvenile delinquents and Wilson understands that talk more about that.
Stay with us and welcome to family life today. Thanks for joining us. We are all celebrating this week because it's always exciting when a new book comes out. And so this is really a great resource. You guys have provided that I think gives moms and dads a jump start on the process and helps them think a little more realistically a little more clearly a little more purposefully on what parenting is all about and helps set the right expectations for what's ahead in the parenting journey. I bet it's not just all for new parents. This is a book you had this in mind. Parenting is a journey that kinda goes up mountains and down valleys and it's over and over again. You're thinking that this is a book the parents of teens can benefit from. Even though they is as a parent of a teenager I kinda felt like well if if I messed up this point excitingly right but we can always make the course corrections and adjustments would always be grown in this area. Can I think that this especially in teens. I feel like we have these two points.
A lot of times one when were about to have a family member kinda bombarded with these toddlers and then we can get in this groove.
At least this was true for for us.
We got in this group, like okay were kinda getting it down, but then we get into teen years and we were asking again when we doing let's start bull's-eye. What are we trying to do together that we did a workshop at our church. Years ago for parents of teenagers sold out in five minutes. You know, because there at that stage and of course a lot of what we taught in the workshop we put in the book so there's like three chapters on the teenage stage, there's chapters on a tether stage, you name it. So yeah it for is accountable to God that we can talk about parenting tell you are a little older, you have a few years under your belt, be able to validate some of what you're talking about is principles.
I'm wondering in your marriage was one of the two of you more intently focused on the parenting responsibilities than the other one. Yes name is do you think that's something our marriage.
Marianne was much more focused on what we need to be doing as parents and she was the one who assigned you need to listen to this. You need to read this you need to think about this.
She was bringing me along as I feel like I kept pulling Dave right because it is a hard thing. A lot of times at this age, the teenagers were at the peak of our careers and it takes a lot of time.
A lot of energy and I think for both husband and wife both are working to pour that energy back into our kids and our family is really important to not lose the goal of making Jesus the center. Do you think there is something about maternal instinct here that causes most moms to kind of gravitate in that direction to look more inside the family while the dad is looking outside at the world around them. To think that I do mean with all of my friends we find a lot of our validation, a lot of identity, a lot of arch away from our kids and our family. If I would ask my friends. In fact, I just did this little Bible study last week and I put on there. What are the top five things you think about the most.
Almost every person that I talked to was all relational and almost all those relationships were husband and kids. I'm not sure what would men say top five things I think about it would be those to those would be maybe in the top five, but they would be one into what you think. I think men are often focused on whatever our goal for accomplishing accomplishment is yes or whether to move in the workplace.
We want to make her mark who we want to establish our identity in terms of our success Center are goals, there was think about this in relation to first Thessalonians chapter 2 it's in that chapter were the apostle Paul says we came to you. We were gentle among you, as a nursing mother taking care of her own children. So Paul says even in ministry. We tapped into the gentleness that is common with mothers who are nurturing and taking care of their kids and then later in that same chapter he says, for you know how like a father with his children.
We exhorted each one of you and encouraged uncharged you to walk in a manner worthy of God had meant interesting with you. This chapter so mothers nurturing taking care of gentle with her kids dad is exhorting and challenging and saying this is who you need to be. I think there's something that the Bible's identifying for us here in terms of moms and dads and how we are instinctively bent in these different direction and I wouldn't want to say that it's hundred percent all men are this way all women. I never related to that soft, quiet, and I don't think that's what it means by that word but I would say this about you and most women you were in touch with their hearts with home. I mean I you know we said here many times I learned early in our marriage, and more in touch with what's going on her marriage and I am if I think our marriage is a almost a tenancy sin.
It's a four guess what, it's closer to a four I'm wrong not because she's right and wrong.
She's more in touch and so is a husband is like. Well I gotta listen to that and understand how do we get it to the number I think it is because she Artie knows the same thing I found was true with the kids swimming the horse. She knew like a radars going off. She knows what's either struggling with her sinner Cody. I might be totally missed that it in there could be an arrogance in me when she says hey hey you're missing something. Be like no not that I learned I learned to go. You're right. I am missing it.
What am I missing, how do how do I need to engage here. We would lay in bed at night and I would say hey have you noticed this about one of our kids Kelly County thinking dancing. Tickling off a little bit you talking about I think women generally speaking, are little more tile than emotional value above it.
Every time I said no I don't I don't think that's even happening. I was wrong.
Every hundred percent. She was right, it would come around and like oh she saw that before I did.
So you have to learn like okay to tune into that. I'm guessing if there are a husband and wife listening to our conversation right now. Together, the wife is thinking we absolutely have got to get a copy of Dave Olson settled in perfect parents and the husband's going okay fine you know if you want to get that resolved under one some part generally audiobook. If you don't read it just just do it but I do think because moms are so dialed in on that. I think the other side of that can be that when things are not going well in parenting that can cause a mom to feel the weight of that more profoundly than dad does can cause her to come under the pile more than dead. You talk in the book about the day when you secured the title of the ultimate failure as a mom is in the trademark is pending on that title. Think what was the day that that caused you to go. I'm failing as a mom.
It's interesting as a mom as our kids got a little bit older and when you get into that training stage.
I found that I felt like I was continually failing. Three little boys that are energy and they're running around and I'm doing the best I can but I felt like I was continually failing and that I would lose my temper that I wasn't training the way I should. I had this bombardment.
Michael Barbara Rainey Pali linking data and the other pastor's wife Wendy that I was in this real comparison thing and goodness. Social media wasn't even going on can imagine what it's like today, and I realize I felt like every night I went to bed it was like I had this backpack burden of shame and guilt I felt like it followed me everywhere and I especially in the silence I would hear things like field today.
He messed happy sinner said this and then I would start to worrying project into the future there and again this and you can hear home and I'm not gonna like me and Dave is over there thinking I kneeled it today and I'm thinking I was the ultimate failure today, and this really came to a head when our kids were younger. I think CJ was nine and they are seven and four and Dave had a really long day but I started the day off really well and I thought okay me Craig daily started really positive.
Okay this is a good day.
I made breakfast for that and I packed lunch is and something I'm like okay I am winning today we pray on the way to school, and I pray over the kids. They get out. The two were in school. Cody was in preschool and I was working part-time.
So I had to do some things that ultimately was a great day mom, you're kinda checking the list okay And patting myself on the back right and that burden backpack of guilt. That is nowhere to be seen and so things are really good and Dave still wasn't home and we were in a phase then I'm thinking my has been homework wise and he more engaged with me my participating with the kids and just kept running through my head as he had missed dinner and so two younger boys were playing in the family room, like, really. Now it's getting asked. It's escalating in their throwing balls and it's crazy and I'm thinking I need to get a spelling words done with our oldest son at the table with CJ.
The teacher had mentioned you now. I think that he could have ADHD, which itself funny as a teacher mentions that as a mom. All you're doing is carrying that around that turn with me but with the future look like and so that's going through my head. Kids are carousing Dave plate and it's just chaos. Utter chaos.
CJ is playing at the table and he keeps knocking things over and I'm like sleeping on the same spelling word for 15 minutes and he can't lock in in the kitchen, denies somebody knock something over in the family room and I'm so frustrated it comes to a head, and I just kind of do this in front like all I do that and as I do it. I kick the wall and my foot goes into the drywall with this 8 inch hole in my foot is stuck in the drywall complete pandemonium going on in the house until that moment and then there's complete silence and all the boys rushed to the kitchen. They look at this whole and astonished Austin I look at the middle son and he looks at me like he's worried worried for me and then Cody, our youngest was only for he has this luck of admiration like I am the coolest person that walks the earth. I look at CJ. Mom kicked a hole look at CJ because I was humiliated and I'm automatically as a mom thinking. What does this communicate to my son. What will he remember he is going to be a therapist. How was this moment for the rest of his life. It will mess up is Mary and that's what we do is not weak. We now are jumping forward 50 years into the future and so you guys. I'm so humiliated mom and Cody says to me like you are this strong, and I feel so much guilt, shame and remorse and I'm thinking I'll know the pastor is going to be home.
I couldn't tell my husband that his wife just kicked a major hole in the wall so I have this brilliant idea only stairs going through her closet, looking for the wallpaper on that wall and I find I run downstairs and I'm frantic because days and become any minute and I cut the wallpaper when I played at their perfect no one would ever know there is a hole in the wall until somebody someday removes that wallpaper and you guys I'm embarrassed to say that almost pulled the boys.
Hey, let's not tell dad know that's really going overboard and so soon as I get it done. Dave walks in the door and all the boys rushed to him you thought they were super excited to see there were and I'm thinking maybe even mention Monty think he mentioned that there are more whole thing. Cody had no idea. Mom was this so embarrassed you think of it I like. I walk over there like there's a whole I mean, she had a perfect little over relied right of you know I was like there is no hole in there like poking at it you don't touch the wall. There's a big hole in the drywall.
I just thought it was hilarious but I look already and I can tell she is really feeling really bad, you know like this mom Guild is all over her face and of course you gotta get the kids on the bed and you get to do what you do, but I knew she's caring she feels really bad because I knew she's carrying. I think I shamed CJ yeah CJ knows her frustration with him and maybe his inability to you don't have the luncheon. The lock-in forced her to sorta lose her cool and so I knew this is like a big deal. So that night as the boys were going to bad I apologize to each of them. I told them this wasn't about them. I was frustrated and I should have done that, it was seen. I actually prayed and confessed my sin in front of the place to God. And yet, I went to bed that night. Dave he sound asleep again and I'm wide awake. I can't sleep for hours and I'm so embarrassed to say this had apologized to CJ yet any other bonds done.
I go down the hall. I wake CJ up and I second okay so so sorry. Please forgive me. He's crying yeah he's irritated and this is a pattern for me. My kids up and then as I got older I would get up and I would write them apology letters stacks up holiday letters that I wrote.
I think that that can be commonplace for moms. At least I not talking for dads but there's a sense of guilt and failure and shame. And it's funny as you feel remorse and you feel bad about it are guilty.
But shame is I'm broken and that's where it turned broken and I'm telling you we have an enemy of our soul in John 1010 when Jesus says the thief, or Satan, our enemy comes only to steal, kill and destroy. That's for real in sequence to come into every household, and kill, steal and destroy.
And who the target not just our kids but moms and dads that for me to feel remorse and guilt that's crippling as a mom and I love that Jesus right after that says but I have come to give life and give life to the full. His mom Guild and mom said you said there lots of letters of apology that you wrote. Yeah this cycle through your motherhood or was it a theme that was kind of always the undercurrent of being a mom that you were feeling unveiling at this. I'm no good at this, or did you go to drip some days were go. I'm winning were doing great and the other day comes on. Yeah, I guess I'm not when yeah now I had days that I thought this time writing a good job but other days that I was just bombarded with that shame again. And guilt is like I did this run the same as I am wrong or something of the days when you feel like this is working well for whatever reason those days don't stick with us as profoundly here right, they don't mark us will like we don't walk away going okay. I really am doing well in the days we have the shame and the guilt that takes asunder. Sometimes it really takes us under and as I've talked to mom's. It's interesting to because this is year with moms retiring this one kid. Sometimes I'll call them names I don't go over to that area that I would yell at him in frustration. In this mindset I have never yelled at my child in my life where I might see what is that you just now heavier and so I think what I didn't realize was that shame and guilt.
I wish that I would've remembered what God says about me. This is who I am. I'm a child of God, I'm forgiven. We all sin and fall short of the glory of God. But we are also forgiven and Jesus doesn't hold it against me, why am I still holding it against myself. Shame and guilt are gospel moment.
Yes these are the moments where we have to remember what's true. Yes, I always come back to them and I think I've quoted this on family life today couple dozen times over the years but him that we sing at church before the throne of God above the second verse says, when Satan tempts me to despair and tells me of the guilt with them upward.
I look and see him there, who made an end to all my sin because the sinless Savior died, my sinful soul is counted free for God. The justice satisfied to look on him and pardon me, doesn't mean that in those moments of failure that we should just go. Oh well, everybody messes up, no big deal, but it does mean that in those moments of failure what the enemy wants you to do right. Once the sideline you he wants you to get under the pile from that and never recover. But we have to come back and say I did mess up and by God's grace, I believe the fight another day to do better next time. And I'm not gonna lift the shame and the guilt of the experience that I've gone through. Take me out of the game cassettes with the only one exactly in Romans eight there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. And so instead of going to bed and going back over my day of failures.
I wish I would've repeated that there is now no condemnation for me. Jesus has died.
He's taking care of that. I've already confessed to him, to the kids and I wish then that I would've taken my thoughts captive and not let the enemy take me on this carousel is really a roller coaster of emotions because Jesus is good, I'm good. He sees me is good and I've done my best. I have something happen. The number of years ago that was always a great illustration for me. We were driving from Little Rock to Indianapolis and we were just outside Louisville. We were south of Indianapolis. We had about an hour and 1/2 left on the trip. It was late at night would been in the car all day was a long day.
Everybody was tired and I had to pull off the interstate to go to the bathroom and so we stopped at the bathroom and then I got back on the highway and it was one of these wasn't one of those easy off easy on intersections I picked so when we got back on the highway I driven a couple miles before I go I got on the wrong highway. I am not on the road. Indianapolis anymore. I'm on the road to Paducah were not going to Paducah and so I'm thinking okay we'll turn this car around and get back on the right road. Well the next turnaround was 13 miles don't know know there's nowhere to join. I have to drive 13 miles in the wrong direction and then 15 miles back in the other, it's late at night. The kids are in the car go drive and tell them the world the wrong road, or do I just but but here's the thought I have my temptation at that moment was just to wallow in the fact how stupid was I got us on the wrong highway were on the wrong direction and I wanted to pull the car over the side of the road and just bang my head against his wife that would've done nothing right. To help, it would've hurt my run.
I didn't need to pull over the side of the road by my head. I needed to turn it around and get back on the right road.
That's the difference between shame that leads us to condemnation. Yeah, and the kind of awareness of guilt that says okay I got turned around and get back in the right direction. And Jesus is not standing there saying pull over and live in shame for a while. You sent notice pendants right so you moms had a bad day a dad who's had a bad day, those who are caught up in the shame of the wallowing of this. The message from Jesus is okay. I know I know you messed up turnaround get back on the right road. You're still my child to love you was interesting Bobby's eyes. I was writing this, and I rewrote this whole story and have never written it out before and as I was writing it. All of a sudden I asked Jesus this question as I was writing. I said, Lord, what did you see that young 34-year-old that day. This list of things here's what I wrote that I felt like it's from the Holy Spirit. Look at these things and because Satan will never remind you of the good that happened that day and so I said one you are present with your kids today to Ukraine before you got out of bed that God would help you be a good wife and mom just a quick prayer. Three. You fed your kids and you fed yourself. So let's count the little things for you got yourself and everyone dressed woo hoo.
Five. You put on makeup and this is for Dave's benefit to not enough just to help somebody that seeks you packed lunches seven you drove your kids to school and you prayed out loud with them. That's discipleship. Eight I worked on a plate with Cody. Nine. You may dinner and play these fun music as the boys played.
Can you help with homework, and this is where the bad part sneaks in, but 11 you apologize to your kids. You asked for forgiveness, which is teaching conflict resolution skills. 12 you prayed and asked forgiveness from God out loud in front of your kids and asked him to help you display self-control is a fruit of the spirit which is discipleship.
13 you kiss them good night you laid your hand on you prayed for them. 14 you cleaned up the house before going to bed. 15 you read your Bible, maybe only a few verses because you can concentrate but still. As I wrote that I have never thought of the good things that happen, and I feel like this with implementing right thing for me like good job and he feels little blips.
Our mistakes is like you confessed you to make those you continue to make those go to sleep and take those cuts captive one of the things I love about your book is that you invited your sons to read the book and offer their analysis of the principles of your so CJ and Austin and Cody all chime in and say here's what we remember about growing up in the home at the end of that chapter.
The mom guilt. CJ makes a comment about the you know the letters you know and it's really cute what he said. Here's what he says. He says it was never obvious when we were kids that mom was feeling guilty about her current and amazing people as you were feeling like it's the dominantly he says I have much more vivid memories of her being fun and happy that her ever being sad and frustrated.
There was a difference between when she was mad at us for being bad and when she was mad from just being frustrated during the times when she was frustrated, like when she can hold the wall. It didn't feel like she was taking anything out of us that just seemed like a crazy story we could build that friends she was back to normal, and fun. The next day, the money says mom's letters which you would often right after waking up at two in the morning usually felt unneeded to me.
She always just reiterated things that were obvious from interacting with her every day. She was just saying what I already knew that miraculous and and so what we think the sender kids to the therapist. Some of them go. I don't even remember that it's a reminder got get your kids really does you can trust, and I hope a lot of our listeners have already preordered your book. No perfect parents, it releases next week and were taking preorders now our email@example.com or you can call to preorder one 800, FL, today I am really excited about this book and about the impact it's gonna have in the lives of families and really generations to come. This is a great investment in the next generation. The book is called no perfect parents ditch expectations embrace reality and discover the one secret that will change your parenting. You can preorder your copy by going to family life to the.com or call to preorder one 800, FL, today is our number 1-800-358-6329 that's one 800 F as in family L as in life and them the word today.
Get a copy of no perfect parents by Dave and Ann Wilson will send to you as soon as it's available to release that tomorrow we want to talk about hospitality which is a priority were all told in the Bible to practice hospitality but I know some of us think you have that's just not who I am. So my gift well Morgan Tyree's gonna join us tomorrow to see each one of us has a different hospitality personality and will try to figure out what yours is and how you can follow the biblical command to the hospital talk about that tomorrow. Hope you can join us think our engineer today. Keith Lynch got some extra help today from Bruce Goff course our entire broadcast team on behalf of our hosts Dave and Ann Wilson about the pain so you back next time for another edition of family life, family life, to use the production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas.
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