The Kindness Revolution

Nicole Phillips considers herself a kindness advocate. She believes kindness is contagious. But that doesn't mean she's always kind herself. My son was supposed to clean up the entryway of our house. There was lots of shoes and lots of back.

I need this claim and I walk in the door and I tripped over this. Using the backpacks and I just let it go. I guess I told you you were supposed to clean this and Charlie's friend says well I guess kindness is and always continues. This is family like today hosts are David Wilson above the pain.

You can find someone to family life to the.com so is there anything we can do to cultivate a heart of kindness so that when we are provoked kindness comes out instead of an election to talk with Nicole Phillips about that today.

This and welcome to family life to. Thanks for joining us. Talk this week about kindness you described your wife is the kindest person you know.

But you said it wasn't always this is the kindest person I know this is the best. I was not kind. She was like I struggled in early marriage, but I'm telling you I live with a positive life speaking woman is married.

Say say they ceaselessly say right now.

I live with notice he's not saying that was it evolutionary that you slowly convert to kindness, or was there a humble think there are two things that happen one way is my very best friend and sister died, and before she died. This is kind of this crazy thing that I remember being in the hospital room emotional talking about this. We sat on the bed and we told each other everything we loved about each other. Like I said, you have the most amazing skin skin. She said I wish I had your hair. I always wanted your hair that's so weird, but we just blessed each other with our words and after she was gone. I thought, I'm so glad I told her everything that was good in her and I spoke it out and I reminded her that and after she was gone.

I thought I didn't do that from now on because I realize I had taught a lot of good things about people and I didn't share them because of my own insecurity and I felt like I was in competition with people and especially other women like oh I don't want them to get one up on me and so I keep these things inside when I saw how amazing these people were.

But after she was… Hold on to that anymore.

Speak life into people that I tell you what you want her walking in your room because that's what she does. She lights up a room. There's times I'm like okay honey you know you don't have to speak all these great things to that stranger there that you don't even know and you can just see that stranger or a good friend their whole countenance changes because they feel blessed I feel like God created every single one of us and so he sees the greatness he put into us, but the world can key is to just beat us down and we forget and we start believing lies about ourselves and so if Jesus walked into the room he would remind us this is who like me to be. We have got to get hands you know I'll just sit here and listen and listen. You are so good.

Nicole is an author, she's a speaker she's a former TV journalist Miss Wisconsin in 19 €27,000 badger badger okay. She writes a syndicated newspaper column called kindness is contagious and has written a book by that name. And another book called the negativity remedy and you have a kindness revolution. We talked about it. People want to kindness revolution. They need to go to the mall in Fargo America where all this kind of stuff happens, I was just curious. When you have this kind of epiphany and we talked about earlier this week, did your husband install the basketball coach notice something's different about Nicole so he didn't notice at the moment of the epiphany when I came home because I didn't known to, and you grandma. Seven. You might say. So I noted to come home once in a while and and and Dave your sevens you know basically what that means is I can't wait for the next is coming next and so I have been known to come home and be excited about my latest big idea right my husband when I started writing the kindness is contagious. Column said I give it six months so very supportive of me but he said I give it six months and is teasing me anything within six months, you're either gonna you know people to stop sending you their stories of kindness are you just going to get bored of it. You'll be on to your next Daniel be on your next thing and so as a wife always want to make sure I prove my husband wrong. It's been 10 years and I'm still writing your proven him wrong. But did he see you start to be a different person as you were interacting and thinking and focusing on times he did, he did and it wasn't all good, Bob.

It really wasn't because what happened was my behavior started to change because I got to know Jesus and I maybe became a little too serious in my walk with God and and lost some of my fun because I felt like that was what God wanted from me out of that affect your marriage so I used to be that the girl who would love to drink a lot and dance on tables you now just have a really really good timely and crazy and I would lose control and throughout our marriage. I would lose control and in blackout and have more serious repercussions for my drinking and my husband would say to me just drink less like no problem.

You know whatever you don't need to be pounded him down but on one particular time. After all of this kindness revolution started in me. My husband and I went out and I publicly embarrassed him at a bar and I came home. We came home and the next morning I woke up and he came into our bedroom and he very gently said to me, you owe me an apology and I said I know I'm sorry and any turnaround he walked out and I rolled over in the fetal position and I just started to cry and I just begged God to take it away like take away my need to drink take away this hangover. Please take away the shame that is coming out of me right now in the hurt that I just because my husband please take away and in that moment to talk about an epiphany in that moment I said okay if you really have a purpose for my life then I give it to you.

I surrender. But then I had to get out of my bed and say to my husband, I've decided I'm not in a drink anymore and he was like well you do that just drink you know, we really enjoyed our time sitting on the couch having rum and cokes together. That was a fun time for us to connect so we had to learn new ways to connect.

He had to pick up the slack because it 830 at night when that urge to drink, came to me he had to be the one to put the kids to bed so I could go to bed before it became overwhelming and so he's now married to kind of the new person.

He's married you a new person like this is the only Nicole. He's known now, your different yes and so it took a little while for us to kind of find our new ground find our new stability in that, but the fun thing is is that he has seen what that has meant to our household. There are no tantrums in our household, at least by mom, you know what they used to call me and I don't know if you'll this'll resonate with you or not but but Saul used to say to the kids. Watch out Mount St. mommy is about okay so and no review yet. Okay. Glad to hear that something is about to rub with my husband noticed there were no more tantrums from mom in our household and even the way that I spoke you. I guess it got a hold of me and all these little behaviors, phone line, I wasn't gossiping. I wasn't complaining. I never I totally stop complaining about him, you would not hear me say something negative about my husband to a friend or to someone else and I stopped making him and you. It is cute I bet your husband noticed that he noticed he noticed that it was interesting because as a basketball coach. He has a lot of players that he deals with that. He mentors all the time God has been really sweet about helping those players who you made your dealing with depression or dealing with substance abuse or dealing with negativity.

In general, or the way they see the world. My husband has been able to kind of pull now from our collective experience and breathe life into these players and that's it. When he when he comes home and tells me about something sweet. He did are you know just about little random act of kindness he did for somebody else. It just blesses my soul I got ask you about this part of your relationship because his rum and coke wife was now talking about prayer about Bible study. This is not what you'd signed up for When he married you was that a problem in your marriage. It was a little bit of a problem, not because of him, but because I didn't know where he stood. We had never talked before about God or where he stood. We both grew up. I grew up Catholic. He grew up Lutheran. So one day I had to ask him because I started to believe that everything in life was a miracle if I forgot the garbage to take the garbage out on a Wednesday.

I would like man is terrible. Now we have to let it sit there for a whole another week and then I would find out that that you know is Memorial day on Monday so all the garbage collection is been backed up a day. So now my garbage can be collected on Thursday. I would like oh yes it is, like all good guys come from you now and he's just look at me's role in his eyes like laughing so I finally had to ask him what you believe and I know what I believe and I know that I've kind of shut this down your throat a little bit. I'm not asking you to believe what I believe. I'm just wondering what it is that you do believe, do you ever pray. So I asked him do you ever pray and he said. I pray every night I said you do. We pray for and he said oh honestly just never pray for anything so what you mean because I just tell God how grateful I am for everything he's given me and in that conversation I knew, like were okay working to be okay.

So he he did not pull back from your new religious impulse as you were talking about Bible studies or Jesus or want to go to church.

He was not put off by the he may have been a little put off by it because I was so vocal right even to strangers, you know I'm absolutely likely until somebody like like you just look at the world with that smile and so he didn't have to deal with that sort of thing right but I think that he did grow quickly along with me position when you know you think about when you were drinking before June. An altered state. Then you put in your book the things that happen with kindness that create a high talk about a little bit that's almost scientific but physically what happens to the body. The endorphins and the kind of things that happen that are replacement.

It's like you found a different drug a very sober great drug that obviously help you and help your family… I get so excited when God's word in science lineup when they become like intertwined that just gets me so excited, so I knew what I dealt with all of these things. I knew that you know God says like it's more blessed to give than to receive. In all of these great things that happened to us even like okay so I love this one like feed the hungry, help those in trouble and your light will shine from the darkness and the darkness will be as bright as noon right okay so like your world as you light up. If you focus on kindness and I love that. But when I started really researching kindness. I wanted to know how to speak to people who didn't know God and hadn't read the word because I really felt like it wasn't just for those who follow Jesus was for everyone and what I found out was that science backs up what Jesus says so. There are four feel-good chemicals that are released into our bodies when we are involved in kindness so endorphins and serotonin and dopamine and oxytocin and then so that means like it's a pain relief. It's an antidepressant and anti-anxiety. It's the feeling of being rewarded and it's like the feeling of a warm hug. That's what all those hormones do and they are not just released in the body of the giver. They are released in the body of anyone giving, receiving or witnessing. It's amazing an act of kindness. God knew there was this secret pathway that we could go down called kindness and we didn't know what was in happen. We got there and maybe sometimes were rejected and sometimes were not. But he said just to walk down the secret pathway and I'm to meet you there which explains your tingling sensation when you walked out of Dino land. Yes, there is a physiological reason why write my because it is a drug and it's also the Holy Spirit kind of confirming and speaking to you like this was something special with you? What happens when you are proactively being kind to somebody on the recipient does not receive your kindness. You go up and want to do something special. I mean, you came in here today is what we got you sure you you manifested kindness at the get go. What if I'd gotten my gift from you and gone where thanks Bruce vicious dog job is what doesn't that short-circuit those endorphins. Your dip might have a little bit of a competitive spirit because for me. That just means game on again and Bob says like grounds that made them to be like Bob breakfast good night sleep and you know I would just go you again and again and again kill him with kindness right full-court press on because I'm also thinking all persons wounded. Something's happened created a scar and then I had that same evening I want to get that scar help help heal that scar. I even think maybe it's just me, even if they don't respond to it they will later. Yes it's like later when walk away.

Either you can. Not like kindness.

One is done to you. But here's the reason I'm asking because there are some spouses were listing going on. I have tried to pour kindness all over our marriage and my wife or my husband is just a stone, nonresponsive, and so I give up on your kindness and it has not worked in our marriage, and then the question is, so you're saying just just amp it up about supposed to be the breakthrough in my marriages that would you think, well, I think it goes back to that hurt people hurt people.

And so we need to look at that and we need to understand that sometimes that spouse might need something we can give and they might need some therapy they might need something that is beyond what we can give them the woundedness of your document. What is the wound right right and then if you are with a spouse who says that's not my jam. I'm not getting therapy figured out. I think that if there are children involved in that they are going to see, and they are going to pull from your goodness and so you we can't change people. Absolutely I can't change anyone and I buy don't pray for someone's heart to be changed. I prefer that my heart would be changed toward that person and I think that our kids will notice that in simple things like I'll say to my kids when I hear them picking on each other. They giggle now because I it's been years that we've been doing this but I'll say what is the world due to you and then you want to bull's-eye the world brings you down. I said that's right so what do we do for each other in this house and they'll say we bring each other and I said that's right, we lift each other up. So even conversations like that.

I think the coldest parts can respond.

Here's the local principal at work and we talked about this for years with the we can remember marriage got away. First Peter three says we are not to return evil for evil, but instead give a blessing and said infected the passage says if you want a long life and good days you will give a blessing to others you will make that your intentionality and giving the blessing is not contingent on how somebody responds and receiving. Your job is to keep giving the blessing and see how the power of that blessing.

Over time, begins to heal some of the woundedness in that other person, and here's what amazing things I found in your book, which I've seen in my own life is that when you give a blessing, or your kind to someone whether they deserve it or not.

Guess who gets the blessing and it's in the passages well.

First Peter three it says we receive a blessing to you even say the book. It's like you must grow spiritually. The kind it's like what I'm looking over Bob as he said in his eyes get the little kind of stick figures and is about something that is the thing you think okay I not happy struggle and I'm stuck maybe spiritually. Maybe my marriage what I need is somebody to be kind to me. Somebody needs to see where I am and help me and reach out to me and that could be true but the truth is, and this is just that it's almost like Jesus says if you want to find your life lose it. It sums like what how I find my life in given away how I find life and being kind to somebody, maybe even my spouse that doesn't deserve it. Try it. Just try it, you can find Jesus words are triggering to find life in given years. What you're going to find kindness when you are tight. The first time it happens and the person is grumpy back at you do what Nicole does and double down and say okay I'm coming out bigger next time and will see what happens here, but here's the thing really important not to talk badly about that person.

Even if you think it because what you focus on is what you will notice that will become bigger in your life. So when a friend will tell me all I was at this restaurant. In this way or did this or they'll say to me, my husband. He was about to do this. He didn't do this. Okay, now you told me.

I've gotten out. Do not repeat that again because it creates a narrow pathway year brain that you walk down every day so we have to create this new pathway because man I walked that old pathway a long time and that Pat was really wide because every dad going to the negative and I think that's easy, especially for young moms who are trying to figure it out, and years like my husband's doing nothing and I'm doing everything Bob.

You've heard me say, think about this word talk about the old and in the new window. The before kindness, and in the after cut in the spent decades now, but when she started being kind.

Her thought process was used to only see the negative and I had a ton of negative and it was justified when she called out. She started to see the positive and when she started speaking that up to this thousand times all over the country when she started speaking kindness to me your good man your good husband your phenomenal death. I literally would know not. I was like what Bob was saying was like know about you can try and say I am, I know you believe that you never said this before, so yeah what you doing to read a book in your intranet but all I know is over time. When she started to say that I started the think she's I think she thinks that she really thinks I'm a good man.

I'm not a good man but I want to be a good man. So was like she was saying. I was something I wasn't yet but I wanted to become what she was saying I was and I think I started to treat be transformed by her words because she actually got a saline. It is change him with my own words. That is more that way it works that way with everybody but I do think it's sort of works that way it will respond to kindness.

If you just wear him down with the more you respond the way you look at them. I think there have got to be blisters who are thinking okay I'm busted because I am default negative they would acknowledge that when they see something happening. Their first thought is not positive it's very down and you wrote the negativity remedy with that person in mind to say there is a way out all your persistent stubborn negativity because you were there. That was you. A decade ago ago I was an alcoholic drink or smoke or overeater angry at my husband and when I got my eyes off of myself and put them on to the needs of others, or just kindness in general and noticing when people are being kind to me or when I had the opportunity kind to someone else. It changed was that the college professor who had a piece of paper and it was white and in the middle was this black circle filled in and so he had all of his assembly hall full of students look at this picture and write down what they saw and every single person wrote down something about that laptop whole and do another out now another universe or whatever it was, however creative you wanted to be the fact of the matter was you look at the blacktop and the professor said. What else is on the page. The white space and so when you're looking at your husband and you are seeing his flaws will guess what, like all of those flaws are in me. I know they are, and I'm grateful that my husband sees the white space around the book is called the negativity remedy and imagery to read about taking every thought captive about renewing your mind. All of these biblical ideas and yet this is a book you can usually give to somebody who doesn't go to church often making this book available this week to family luck today listeners. Those of you can support the ministry of family life with the donation. The book is our way of saying thank you for your partnership with us in this ministry every day.

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We have a socially distanced sold out we can to remember events happening and/or excited to have these events starting to open back up that we have a few more events scheduled throughout the spring. You can go to our website family like today.com for more information about where these events are being held, and about the precautions we are still taking in light of the pandemic, but were excited to have weekends to remember beginning to happen again. Pray for the couples who will be at the weekend. Remember this weekend and if you need more information about where you could attend one of the upcoming weekend to remember events family life to the.com for more information and we hope you can join us again tomorrow when working to continue talking about kindness Nicole Phillips will be back with us and we'll talk about just how transformative a commitment to kindness can be for marriage and the family honestly how transformative it could be for our culture.

Join us again tomorrow thank our engineer today. Keith Lynch get some help from Bruce Goff and our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson about the pain we will see you back next time for another edition of family life, family life to the production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas crew ministry help for today hope for tomorrow