Measuring Up

Part of the reason so many people today are discontented with their lives is because of the culture of comparison we live in.

Here's author and podcaster Jamie Ivey. There's an opportunity for you to get online on your phone, Instagram, Facebook, whatever it is that you're looking at, and compare yourself to a woman that you've never met, but you follow her every move and you live in Austin and she lives in Norway. You know what I mean? And so there's this connection that's false. And then we will find ourselves comparing us to it. Yes, it's worse.

And I think that means if it's worse, then we need to know how to fight it more. This is Family Life Today. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson.

I'm Bob Lapine. You can find us online at familylifetoday.com. How can we fight against a culture of comparison and cultivate hearts that are at peace and contented?

We'll talk about that today with Jamie Ivey. Stay with us. And welcome to Family Life Today.

Thanks for joining us. I wonder if we had a scale of one to ten. Oh boy, scales of one to ten. With listeners, ten being positive, one being negative, okay? And I said, where would you put yourself on how you feel about yourself?

Ten being, I like who I am today. I remember we were doing an interview with Josh McDowell one time, famous author, evangelist, apologist. Josh was looking back at his family of origin, and he was saying there was a lot of dysfunction in my family. My dad was an alcoholic.

My mom was obese. He said I was embarrassed by a lot of this. He was reflecting on this as an adult, and he was wrestling with God about the pain of all of that. And it was like God said to him, wait, do you like who you are today? And Josh said, well, yeah, I do. He said, well, you know how you got to be who you are today? Through that pain.

And Josh all of a sudden came to grips with it. But back to the question of scale of one to ten. Yeah, I want to ask you, Bob, forget us. What's your number? I have always been relatively content with who I am and who God made me to be. I've been one of those people. It kind of frustrates my wife that I am You and Dave are so similar. Good with my life.

Are you good with how your life's worked out? Tastes like I'm a twelve. That sounds so arrogant. No, I'm envious of it. It's awesome. What's your number? It's called denial.

That's what it is. My number is probably much higher now because I feel like I have finally realized this is who I am in Christ. And he rates me a ten because I'm his creation. But if you have asked me over the seasons, man, I would be low. You never know it because I'm an achiever.

It seems like I'm confident, but I had an internal dialogue in my head that that was probably a three. For years, and again, I know this isn't about us, but for years in our marriage, I would say to her, man, you are the most beautiful, incredible woman. And she would say, no, I'm not. And I used to just like mock her, like, quit saying it. And then I realized she truly doesn't believe it. And she needs to hear me say it because I thought she looks in the mirror and sees how beautiful she could not see that.

And I think a lot of us struggle with that. Jamie Ivey is joining us on Family Life Today. Jamie, welcome back.

Thank you, guys. Jamie is an author, a podcaster, a speaker. She's written a book called U.B.U., and I looked at that title and thought, well, what if I don't like who I be? Right?

What if the U.B.U., you look and go, no. I'm a one. Yeah, I am not happy with who I am.

Have you got a number on your one to 10 scale? Well, I'm kind of like you. The older I've gotten, I'm more content with who I am.

I think that when you're in your 20s and 30s, you're kind of like, I don't know. Who am I? What am I supposed to be? Where am I?

And then you hit 40 and something happens and you're like, this is who I am. What else am I going to do? I'm just going to bring myself to the table. So I would say I'm pretty high most days. Yeah.

Most days. And do you think a lot of women are wrestling with not liking who they are? I think so. And I think you nailed it when you said I'm a 10 in Christ. And I think that is where a lot of it comes from, is this trusting that God uniquely created you.

This idea that if we've been in church for a long time, you can forget the basics, that God knew you before you were formed. He knew you. He chose you.

He loves you. He created you with intention. He created you for a purpose. And again, we live in a broken world. And so a lot of this gets distorted by sin and hurt and harm and things happen and life gets crazy and people die and people get diagnosis.

And it's just we live in a hard world. But if we go back to remember, man, God actually delights in you. He loves you. And so, yes, it's a hard thing to remember, but sometimes you have to tell yourself the same thing over and over again to get it. Yeah, I think it's really, really difficult for the average person, including me, I'm sure we'd all agree, to think that when God looks at us. You know, a great question is, what do you think God's thinking and what's his face saying? And it's a smile. You know, you are created as a work of a poem.

You know, Ephesians 2 10, my work of art masterpiece, almost like, you know, some of you are old enough to remember Happy Days. And it would start with Fonzie looking in the mirror and getting ready to do his hair. And he's just like, I look perfect.

There's nothing I can do. None of us probably ever look in the mirror and go, oh, I'm just look at me. I'm awesome. We're like, look at that flaw. Look at that.

Yeah, God looks and goes, masterpiece. Oh, and I'm passionate about this because I see so many young women that are degrading themselves and they don't see themselves as that. And so having a granddaughter, I've shared this before, but I remember having breakfast with her, just the two of us before anyone was up. And I said, Olive.

How old is she? She was four when I told her this. I said, Olive, I can imagine the day that God started thinking about you. And I said, I imagine him being in this throne room and all the angels are there. And he said, today, I'm going to begin creating Olive Wilson. And she's like, really? And I said, and I can see him saying, I'm going to put kindness into her. And I said, it's almost like he's making this creation and I'm going to put joy and humor and I'm going to give her this blonde hair and this blue eyes. And I kept going on what she's like.

She can be compassionate, but she can be strong. And she's like, oh, this is cool. And then I said, and then he held you up of what you would be.

And all the angels are like, oh, and they started to clap and cheer. And he said, this will be Olive Wilson. And I have great things in store for her and a plan for her.

And she will make a difference in the world. And I'm telling you, I've said this to each of our grandkids and here's what they say. Nani, that's what they call me. Tell me again, the story of what God thought of me when he made me. I feel like you just read us a children's book. I'm going to write this.

And it's interesting because the second half would be, but there's an enemy who will do anything in his power to get her not to live out what God put into her. I mean, Jamie, you just spoke what I've said to her so many times. Honey, you have children's books in you.

Write those down. I literally felt like I was at the library and someone was reading the most amazing, I'm like seeing the pictures and everything. Yes, Nani, you got to do that. But when you were saying that, I thought, you know what? Like, I need to be told that as an adult, because you said that to a four year old and they're sitting there and they're taking it in with this childlike faith and they believe it. Yeah. There's no way that she looked at you and said, I don't believe that to be true. Exactly. She took it in. And I think sometimes I need someone to speak that over me. Well, and I've done that at women's conferences and I hold up this jar of what God created her to be.

And they're all like, no, he didn't. And so we have to win. Talk about that. Talk about that. What happens?

And it's guys too. What happens to us? Your title, you be you. There's so many that go, no, no, no, you really don't want me to be me.

Because if you knew what I know about me, I've got to be something different or someone else, someone else. What happens? You know, we talked about middle school yesterday. And I think if we were to go back when Olive was four, she believed that with everything in her. You will continue to tell her that. But something will happen. She'll turn 12. And someone will make fun of her or she'll turn 12 and show up in the cafeteria and they say, you can't sit here anymore.

Or she'll turn 15 and a boy will tell her, I think you're ugly. I mean, so these things happen and then we start to believe the lie over what we know to be the truth. I mean, that's called the world sin. It happened in the Garden of Eden. Eve believed a lie over what God had spoke of truth over her. And so that's what happens is we're having to combat this.

Like you said, we have a real enemy who's come to kill and destroy and tell us lies. We, as followers of Jesus, as women, we have to be willing to say, I refuse to believe that. I'm going to take God's word.

Yes. And I'm going to get in it. I'm going to believe it. I'm going to write it. Like Jeremy said, I'm going to write on my doorpost. I'm going to talk to my children. I'm going to think about it when I lay down. I'm going to think about it when I walk on the road. And so not to be over spiritualized, but it is true. Like God gave us this whole book, this love letter to us in a sense to say, look how much I love you because I spent all this effort to bring you back to me. That's how much I care for you. Every day there are more opportunities to forget that than to remember that.

And so I think we need to do a little math switch, you know, and we need to have Nani in our ear. Whatever that might look like for you, whether that's your girlfriends and you say, hey, I'm going to need you to check in on me every week and say, are you believing things that are true or things that are false? And then say, here's the false things I believe. And then have a friend speak truth back to you. So you have a friend, you have the word of God.

Do you think, and I'm looking at two women asking this question, do you think it's worse now, the comparison and the self-identity than it was, again, you don't know, 50 years ago, but 30, 40 years ago because of social media and different things? And one of the reasons I'm asking that is, you know, I'm a musician and I love music and I love worship music. And I've noticed worship music in the last seven, eight, 10 years has been about identity. And they've gone to the top of the charts.

I'm no longer asleep. You know, those kind of songs. Lauren Dago, you say, I mean, it's several songs that we're singing in our churches in the last decade or probably definitely five years are at that. And they've resonated with a culture. And again, I'm not saying it's right or wrong.

It's just you notice waves. Self-esteem, identity's always been an issue for everyone. But it feels like we need to be told like never before, you're a child of God, you're unique.

Psalm 139, you're fearfully and wonderfully made. I'm asking two women, is it worse now than you think ever? Maybe because of social media or not?

I think yes. I think that it's always been a problem. I mean, I mentioned the Garden of Eden, like all of a sudden Eve's like, OK, you're telling me there's something better. So I'm not believing what is true.

And here we are looking at what we think is something better on our phones versus what God has said is true. So I don't think it's new by any means. And I don't think you're saying that. But I mean, when I was in high school, I graduated in 96. I didn't know what anyone was doing unless I was with them. Like, there was no way for me to know what anybody was doing at another high school.

Like, I didn't even know what someone was doing in the class next to me, because unless you were there, you didn't know. And so, yes, there was comparison issues there with girls of what you see. But now, I mean, there's an opportunity for you to get online on your phone, Instagram, Facebook, whatever it is that you're looking at and compare yourself to a woman that you've never met. But you follow her every move.

And you live in Austin and she lives in Norway. You know what I mean? And so there's this connection that's false. And then we will find ourselves comparing us to it. So I think, yes, it's worse. And I think that means if it's worse, then we need to know how to fight it more.

Jamie, let's talk about that. How do we win in that comparison game? I think that it's an offensive battle is what I think it is. And so a lot of times we're trying to play defense.

But for me personally, I want to play offense with my heart. And so if I am very self-aware that if I'm spending a lot of hours on Instagram, wow, when I do that, what I notice about myself is all of a sudden, I don't feel like I'm good enough. All of a sudden, wow, I do think I'm fat because look at her or, wow, I think her and her husband have an amazing life and they're always on dates. And man, I don't, you know, you start to say that. And if you start to evaluate every time I get off my phone, I feel worse than when I started.

You need to play some offense. So you're saying even look at your internal dialogue. Look at your internal dialogue.

How are you feeling in these moments? I heard someone say the other day, and I can't stop thinking about this. She was like, we now are invested in people's lives that will never meet. And she wasn't saying that as like a minister or someone leading the organization. She was saying a mom in Tulsa is fully invested in a mom in San Francisco. They have no connection. They'll never meet. But yet she has people around her that she's not connected to.

That's a problem. I would say, look at your internal in yourself and how you're feeling and then, man, make some real connections because I think it is, it's harder for me if I don't just know you online and but I know you as a friend. It's hard for me to be jealous of you or compare myself to you when I'm a genuine cheerleader of what you're doing.

Yes. When I am genuinely cheering you on and I'm so happy for the success of your marriage and your kids and your job, it's hard for me to then be envious because I'm so for you. And so be for people in your real life, like find those girlfriends, find those friends where you can be like, I know that you got that promotion and I'm still at the same job I've been at for five years and I want a promotion so bad, but I'm going to cheer you on. I'm going to fight that comparison battle, but I'm going to cheer you on.

I discovered this in my 20s as we were going to seminary in California and this was in the 80s and so I was teaching at a club, all these aerobic classes and all these workout things. She was good. And so. All the guys took her class because it was the hardest class in the club. What I realized is I was always in competition with other women, and I think that's a thing.

Women compete against each other instead of locking arms with one another and being friends. And so there was this one girl at the club she taught with me and she was perfect. She was beautiful.

She was in shape. And if there's somebody is going to be like that, you want them at least to be me. You have like a bad personality.

She was the nicest person ever. And I realized I never complimented other women because they were my competition. That is really a thing with women. We're in competition with one another. And so we pull away from one another. And isn't that the enemy strategy?

100 percent. Because women together are a force. And so this one day she's in the locker room and no one talks to this girl because she's too perfect and she's not modest at all. And so she's in the locker room and everyone sees her and they're like, oh, no, because they feel so bad about themselves. And I thought, I need to win this battle because right now she's my enemy because she's my competition.

The locker room's full, but she's all by herself in the mirror. And I said, I am so mad at you. Like, why are you so beautiful and you're so nice?

Like, it's kind of sickening, honestly. And I'm so impressed by you. You're an inspiration to me. And it was amazing of how, for me, all my walls went down and she became like this beautiful friend that I had for years there. And I realized, like, wow, the enemy really tried to separate us. And when I talk to women, I think we need to cheer for each other. Just as you said, as soon as we start cheering for each other, we're on the same team.

Same team. And now we can do battle together. Yeah, but here's my question. To cheer somebody else on, you've got to be pretty secure. Because one of the reasons we don't is we're insecure, like you were saying, Ann. We want somebody to cheer us, but it's hard to cheer somebody else unless you feel a sense of, am I right? Yeah, but you know what I think I see is you guys became friends, is that you crossed over, you laid down your defenses and what you were feeling. And then I would imagine that she then encouraged you. Exactly.

So it was this, like, someone has to take the first step. I have a very similar story. When my boys were playing, like, Pop Warner football, I would go to their practices. And I'm an extrovert, but sometimes I just want to sit and read a book, right? So I'd bring my chair, I'd sit and read a book, and there were these two moms, and they would walk the track. Gorgeous. And I should have been walking the track, okay? But I'm just going to sit and read a book, okay?

They're walking the track. They're beautiful. I mean, I'm just, and I always thought, I bet they're just kind of stuck up and snobby.

Like, why are they working out? Just don't, stop, you know? And so I never approached them. I had preconceived ideas about who they were and what they were like and how they would be towards me. And then a couple of years later, I started a Bible study in my home, and I just kind of, that was a big step too, but I just reached out, invited some moms that I had their phone number that our kids went to school together. And those two ladies showed up, and we've been doing Bible study together now for about three years. And when I told them that story for the first time, they were like, are you kidding? Why didn't you come walk with us? But they're such genuine friends of mine now. And it was that someone had to go over and kind of put down their walls, lay down my pride, because that's a form of pride of going, I'm not going to do that.

And then you find out you have these genuine relationships that you would have missed out on. But you know, here's what's going on. When you tried to do that in middle school, we're back there. You got hurt.

That's right. The girls wouldn't let you sit at the table with them. And so you grow up thinking, I'm not going to go approach them because they're just going to blow me off like the girls in middle school did. And then I'm going to get hurt.

But I'm not sure girls in middle school, if you complimented a girl in middle school, I'm not sure she'd blow you off. What do you think? I have like blocked out middle school. I cannot go.

My brain will not let me go back there. But you're right. We have wounds in the past that affect our. And this is not a woman. This is a human issue.

It's humanity. I was working out in a gym years ago. You could tell I worked out. It was years ago. I could tell it was years ago. You look good, hun. You look good. This is my wife.

Of course she's going to say it. No. But I'll never forget this day because, you know, it's similar in terms of the gym. It's, you know, guys walk around and they compare bodies. And, you know, back then it was bench presses.

Right. And there was this guy who was huge, throwing up 300 and something on a bench, which, if you don't know, it's a lot of weight. Steve and I are over here doing our 185, maybe 200. And we're in our 30s.

So we're young and we're in pretty good shape. But this guy and usually those guys, at least my opinion was they get up and they go to the drinking fountain every two minutes. So everybody can see how big they are. You know, just walk by, you know, and I'm literally on the bench and Steve spot me and I'm looking at this guy like a jerk.

Look at this guy. He's so big. He's lived so much weight. He's walking around getting drinks every three minutes.

And all I know is my buddy Steve, who we started this church together 30 years ago. He walks over this guy while he's on the bench. He goes, dude, man, you look great. And you're throwing up all that weight. Way to go, dude, man. I wish I could look like that.

You look awesome. And I'm looking at Steve like, what are you doing? You just broke the man code. You don't do that in a gym. You don't compliment another guy's body. And this guy, I mean, he looked up at him and it was like he came alive. It was like he couldn't believe another man, like you said, cheerleaded him and said, you look awesome. And I'm telling you, every time we were in a gym after that, that guy ran over to us. Hey, man, how you guys doing?

What's up? We were his friends. Actually, Steve was. I was still jealous, but I was just watching what happens to somebody when you. And by the way, my whole perspective of that guy changed. And the thing we have to remember is like humanity was broken in the garden and we all have insecurities. And so you look at that woman or that man and you think they're secure. They don't have to deal with what I deal with. And then you get to know them and you're like, oh, you have the same issues I have. You have the same identity problems I have. We all need Jesus.

That's the answer. But we believe the reality that says everyone else is good and no one struggles like you do. And then you get to know the person that you think is perfect and you realize, oh, you're insecure. And I thought you weren't because you're beautiful. And then she's like, I'm actually really insecure, too.

And we have so much more in common. I've never forgotten reading an article in the mid 90s where an interview was done with some of the top supermodels in the world. Women who are paid millions of dollars for how they look. And they ask them on a scale of one to ten, how do you see yourself? And these women gave themselves sevens and eights and immediately pointed out my nose is crooked or I've got this flaw or this problem.

They were so fixated on the flaw. And we're talking about physical appearance, which we have to keep in mind here. God looks on the inside.

Man looks at the outside. Physical appearance is not nothing, but it's not where we should be trying to find our identity. And yet I think the point is every one of us looks with some envy. You were talking about social media, Dave, and I was thinking Instagram and Twitter and Facebook cause you to break the 10th commandment regularly.

You are coveting what your neighbor has. And this is where we've got to come back and say, no, what does God say is true? Find our identity. It's where we started. Find your identity in Christ. Anchor yourself in that. And that's where you can say, OK, this is who God made me to be. He delights in it.

I'm going to delight in it as well and find my life there rather than being jealous that she can sing better than I can. He's smarter than I am. And that person over there can bake better than I can. So what? Right? You be you.

That's what I was thinking, right? Get the book plug in here right here. And by the way, we are making your book available this week to any Family Life Today listener who can help support the mission of family life. If you want to invest in the marriages and families of people in your community, people all around the world want to help provide practical biblical help and hope for people who are looking for it.

You can make a donation today and ask for a copy of Jamie's book, You Be You. Go to familylifetoday.com to make an online donation or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate. Let me just say on behalf of those who listen every day, those who get in touch with us and let us know how God is using the ministry of family life today in their lives, thank you for that investment.

You have no idea how many marriages, how many families are stronger today because of the investment you've made. Again, donate online at familylifetoday.com and request your copy of Jamie Ivey's book, You Be You, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. That's 1-800-358-6329, 1-800-F as in family, L as in life, and then the word today. And if you are not yet subscribed to Jamie's podcast, which is called The Happy Hour, we've got a link on our website at familylifetoday.com and you can go there and find out more about how you can listen to Jamie regularly. Again, our website is familylifetoday.com. Now, tomorrow we want to talk about how embracing our identity and leaning into who God made us to be still requires us to confront the fact that we're rebels, we're sinners.

We certainly don't want to embrace that. Jamie Ivey will be here with us tomorrow to talk more about that. Hope you can be here as well. I want to thank our engineer today, Bruce Goff, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Bob Lapine. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life of Little Rock, Arkansas, a crew ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.