Avoid Unintended Disinheritance

Is money ever the issue that pulls couples apart in marriage? Ron Deal says he thinks money is a symptom more than a cause of conflict. Every time you hear money is the number one cause of divorce, it is not true. What is true is what's underneath money.

That's what creates conflict. How you handle money tells somebody whether you're selfish or not. In blended families, then you have these added things of, so do I really belong in this family? Is your ultimate loyalty to your children, or are you providing for me? It seems to me more money is spent on your children than is spent on my children.

That's the stuff we fight about and argue about, and that's what ruins relationships. This is Family Life Today. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson.

I'm Bob Lapine. You can find us online at familylifetoday.com. It's important that couples in a blended family, in a stepfamily, have conversations about finances.

It's important to know how to talk about them and what to talk about. Ron Deal joins us to help with that today. Stay with us. And welcome to Family Life Today. Thanks for joining us. I want to amend something I have said in the past. Oh boy, this is going to be fun.

When I said this, and there's part of me that I still believe what I was saying, but it was limited. I have said to people in the past, I think it's wrong for a couple to come up with a prenuptial agreement. You're getting married.

There shouldn't be any prenuptial where you're planning for the divorce. I agree, Bob. Yeah, it's a safety net.

You say you don't need a safety net. But I have a feeling you're going somewhere. Ron Deal is here with us today. Ron, welcome back to Family Life Today. Thank you.

It's always good to be with you. Is he the contrarian? He thinks prenups are good?

We're going to find out. Ron gives leadership to Family Life Blended and to the great work that's going on there. He's an author. He's a speaker.

He's been on Family Life Today a number of times. And we should say here at the beginning, anytime we have you on, there are folks who are going, well, blended families. So it sounds like family life is endorsing divorce.

So do you want to speak to that for just a second? Yeah, no, we're not endorsing divorce at all. We're not endorsing any sin choice somebody may have made that led them into a blended family. What we are talking about is the redemptive work of God in people's lives to influence where they are, who they are. A woman at the well kind of had a very sordid, marital life.

We don't know all the details behind that, but it wasn't pretty. And a little cup of living water, and all of a sudden, she is preaching and teaching and bringing people to Jesus. We just think Jesus can have that redemptive work in everyone's life.

And that's what Family Life Blended is all about, trying to meet people where they are and say, how can where you are be in sync with where God wants you to be? So on prenuptial agreements, did you ever say, like I said, nobody should sign a prenuptial agreement? I think I probably did early in my career.

I did. And before we talk about whether we should or shouldn't, let me follow up on the quick reactions that you guys had. Why did you think that at some point in the past? I thought it because a couple going into marriage signing a prenuptial agreement is hedging their bets. They're saying, I got an 80% confidence that this will work out, but I better just protect things because things can go south, and I want to make sure that I'm ready if they do. Exactly.

It's a lack of commitment or something. I'm not really stepping on the water, trusting God to make it solid. I've got one foot in the boat.

If it doesn't go the way I think, I'm good. It's almost like saying, I'll leave and cleave my parents and cleave to you, but I won't leave my money. There you go.

That's right. And so absolutely. And I do think that prenuptial agreements in general are planning to fail. But what if we could pull out the best part of what the prenup is intended to do and turn it into something that helps you succeed?

Just real quickly, a quick story we tell in this book, The Smart Stepping Guide to Financial Planning. In 2016, a designer in the Netherlands actually designed, you ready for this? He designed a house called a prenuptial house.

It's two units designed like Tetris shapes that fit together. Now, it's a houseboat, so it floats on water. And then when the couple breaks up, which inevitably is going to happen, they can each take their half of the house and float away. Oh, my word. It's a real thing.

It's a real thing. Now, what if we could take in a blended family scenario two adults who already have some assets, money, and something in a financial past and they're the two separated Tetris shapes and we put them together and we create togetherness for their financial future. That's what we want to do in this book. So instead of a prenuptial agreement, we've harvested the idea and turned it on its head, shook out all the negativity of it, as my friend Greg Pettis says in the book, and created a togetherness agreement idea. It's this we plan together how we're going to merge both our money and our family relationships for the benefit of everyone involved with permanence.

It's about planning to succeed, not about planning to fail. I love what you've done in the book, The Smart Step Family Guide to Financial Planning, which you wrote with a financial planner, Greg Pettis, and an estate attorney, David Edwards. So you got together, the three of you, your background focusing on relationships, on what the Bible has to say about how relationships are supposed to work out.

Greg brings all of the financial expertise. David brings the estate law together. And you said, how can we help couples who are either forming a blended family or are in a blended family address an issue that has potential to damage their relationship, their extended family relationships? How can they address it so that it can go smoothly for them and for their kids and their grandkids, right?

Right, I mean, we're trying to disarm the hand grenade that's sitting in their living room that nobody's really talking about or doing anything with. I got to tell you, I'm really proud of this project. Not because of what I contributed.

I think I helped pull a lot of pieces together. But Greg and David are true experts. There is no book like this period, secular or Christian-based. There's probably three other books about blended family finances on the market. None of them deal with the relational dynamics of the family and how that influences how money is used and how money is thought of.

And none of them lace in any value Christian ideals into the ideas of the book at all. So this truly is a first to my knowledge. And I think it's very practical. I just think it's really going to help people. I'm talking to moms and dads today who are, as their kids are growing up and getting married in a first marriage, they're saying, before my daughter marries him, I want some kind of a financial background check run on him. Because here's the reality. Your son who graduated from college and maybe had a scholarship and so there's no student loan debt, he's fallen in love with somebody who's got $40,000 of student loans. And they're going to get married and all of a sudden her $40,000 of indebtedness is now your indebtedness.

I bring that up because those are real live issues that first-time families have to face. So let's go to a blended family scenario where the wife whose husband died, she was left a sizable estate and she's met and fallen in love with a guy who lost his business last year and had to declare bankruptcy. And the kids are looking at this and going, no, no, no, you're not marrying him. I don't care how much in love you are because does all of this become yours? And we would say, well, if a husband and wife are falling in love and getting married, yes, what was each of ours individually is now ours together.

Is that the right way to look at it? Let me jump in here, Bob, because we had a scenario with a friend that that is the exact situation she was in. And when we have couples that are getting married, we would always advise them that it's a joint bank account.

But I had no idea, Dave, you felt this too because they were good friends. In her 40s, the wife was. I felt such an emotional protection over her and for her kids that that was the question.

He had poor financial dealings, he had some bankruptcy, and she had a sizable inheritance. And so that's what she came to us and said, what do you think? What do you tell people? We said there needs to be a book out there. This was two years ago.

Now I know exactly what I would have handed her. Okay, so let's kind of take the layers because, as we've already said, there's above the surface money stuff and legal aspects of this. How do we manage that? But the below the surface relational dynamics is really what you're asking about. Like, okay, there are adult kids who don't trust this new man, and what is he all about? And he seems to not manage his money well. Can we trust him to manage mom's money, which is really our money. So where do we fit into this?

That's below the surface. And then there's relational trust between the couple. Like, I love you, I trust you, sort of. Like, I feel some loyalty to my first husband. You can imagine that being a part of the scenario to care for what he cared about, to make sure it moves to our children in ways that honor them and honor him. Like, you can get so stuck in the middle of all that stuff.

And so I think you sit down and you begin to kind of begin to pull apart and ask, what is this about, what is this about? But if, let's say, that couple come into the discussion with one solution, we must have one pot of money at the end of the day. I think they limit their ability to be creative about how they love and care for one another.

See, the number of bank accounts is not the issue. The issue is how do we love and honor and care for one another. And in this scenario, we're not just caring for one another, we're caring for kids. So it could be that they find a creative way to create a togetherness agreement that agrees that you and I, as husband and wife, are sharing this that we both bring. And it might even be we're together deciding, I'm going to help you with your debt. That's a part of me marrying you, is I marry your debt. All right, but we're also going to provide for our children with this. Maybe there's a family business, maybe there's some, we're going to leave life insurance for kids that nobody gets to touch and the kids are going to get what's fair to them. But here's another piece of our asset, the house or some other 401k, for example, that you and I share after my death. You can find creative ways of doing that, but sometimes that means you end up with two pots of money or three pots of money or two pots of functional day-to-day money, but then we have 401k account and we have this over here account and we really have 10 pots of money. But the point is that is being used to care for and honor marriage and children. So you're saying it's a little bit different because, tell me if I'm right, if you're talking to a first husband, first wife, one marriage, you typically would say join account. One pot. That's loving each other, that's being one, that's trusting God, but it's different now, right?

Yes, and you know what, I think even the first marriage has layers. You know, 50 years ago, well, Nan and I, I was 19, she was 20. We had nada, all right? You had no pot. Nothing, no pot. We were dirt poor, barely surviving college.

There was nothing to worry about or share or whatever. We just jumped in and went forward. Couples today are getting married at 26, 28. They've acquired a little bit. They already got a house. Nan and I are going to a wedding very soon where when you went to their online registry, it was not anything about kitchen utensils or a toaster. It was about paying for their vacation.

It was about paying for a resource that they were looking for to aid in their job. They've already got a house. They've already got a toaster. They've already got all this kind of stuff because he's 28 and he's established and she's 26 and she's established and now they're just going to be merging all that stuff.

The world has changed, right? So that couple may need to have a togetherness agreement conversation around how they're going to merge their things. Blended family couples, absolutely.

It's got to be part of the conversation. So what's that look like if you sit down and say, honey, let's develop a togetherness agreement. How do you start?

What do you do? One of the first things you're going to do in the book, there's an appendix called the Own and O List. Everything you own and everything you owe. Now, if you were to sit down and just start making a list of all of that stuff and then slide it over the table to the other person, they're sliding over to you. You know what you're doing?

You're getting transparent. You're actually showing the other person, I've got $40,000 in college debt. I bought a car I shouldn't have bought. I've got credit card debt.

You have to own it and here it is. And if you marry me, you're marrying this. And now we have full transparency. That is a good exercise for anybody.

I don't care who you are. Now we get honest about one another and what marriage means and how we move forward with this and there's no surprises. As soon as somebody is keeping a secret and then they surprise it on you and you're stuck with credit card debt you didn't see coming, well, that's just a betrayal of trust, right? And so, you know, transparency. So the process starts there, then you begin to kind of figure out, all right, this is what we have to work with. Where do we want to go?

The book kind of walks you through a process of figuring out those initial steps. Some couples, as we said before, will figure out, you know, we need a little help with this. We're not sure what those creative financial solutions are.

We don't know what a Q-tip is. And we need to sit down with an attorney or a financial planner who does understand those pieces. And together you find your way through. You know, it can be a much longer process for some people just based upon their history and what they have.

And other people, it might be a conversation they have one afternoon and, hey, we feel like we can move on. Ron, I've heard you tell couples in a blended marriage the priority in the marriage needs to be, you called it the front seat relationship. Yeah, ultimate allegiance is to your spouse.

Right. Is that true financially? Yes, but that doesn't mean you stop providing for children.

And so it is a both and. It is, yes, you're in the front seat with me and we have kids in the back, some of mine, some of yours, different combinations, and how do we provide for them and think about their futures and what do we want to give them? Like, if I were to die today and my kids are not yet in college, how do I make sure they get to go to college? Those are really important conversations that are a part of our responsibility as parents. And if we got married in our 60s, both of us widows, and we've got adult kids, and my new wife has some financial need, that takes precedence over inheritance for my kids.

Yes, but let me just say this. Some people kind of get nervous with the yes, like, oh, does that mean I have to shift everything? No, no, no, no, it's not all or nothing.

It is about both. And so the creative answer might be something like, everything that I have in place and my will is basically staying the same, but I am going to go out and buy, as Greg and David have taught me, the great financial equalizer is life insurance. Everything I have is already set and my children are going to continue to get that, but I'm going to go out and buy some more life insurance that just goes to my spouse, because that way they are provided for, kids are provided. There's lots of creative ways of managing that. It doesn't mean you have to start dividing or splitting or taking away from somebody. So thinking it through together is the way to do that. Now, one of the awkward pieces of that might be a parent then going to their now adult children, for example, and saying, this has changed. Before I left, all three of you kids each got a third. Now you're each getting this percentage.

Right. And here's why, but here's what I want you to see. I'm still providing for you, and I'm leaving something to the grandkids through life insurance, but I'm also providing this over here for my new spouse so everyone is cared for. That's the ultimate message. If you lead with that, one of the things we teach people is lead with love. Look, the reason we're making these changes is so I can provide for you. I love you.

You're my child. That's never going to change. And, not but, and I'm providing for my new spouse. Love is not a zero-sum game, but money is. So if I'm going to my kids and saying, I've got a new wife coming into the picture, that means your inheritance is going to be diminished. You're going from a third to now what's going to wind up being 17.5%. And they're looking at that in hard dollars, and it's going to sting for them.

It's going to require that my kids have some level of spiritual maturity and that they understand what it means to trust God, and is there a way I can help shepherd that spiritually? Hey, there is cost to making choices in relationships. You can't choose to get married and expect that there not be any cost. Not only is there a cost in your money, there is a cost in your time. There's a cost in your energy. You used to have 100% of your grandparenting energy for your biological grandkids.

Now you marry somebody and you have step-grandkids. There is cost all the way around. And so there are some realities here that you do have to face, and that's part of what we help blended families understand is when dad, grandpa has made these choices, that's forcing cost on children that they didn't ask for. That creates some tension. That is part of the reality of this. So you're saying, obviously, once you design this togetherness agreement, now there's a conversation where you unveil that to the kids, right? That's right. And that's going to be emotional.

It is. I mean, because mom and dad have made a decision, and they're good with it, but now when I roll that out to my kids, and by the way, I'm sitting here listening to this going, I was that kid. There was never a conversation. It was just like, oh, all dad's money now goes to my stepmom and my stepbrother. And what statement did that make to you?

Oh, no value. And it was emotional. That's the below-the-surface comment that has the impact. That's the impact, you know, is you felt unvalued.

And maybe that really wasn't what anybody would have intended, but that is what came through. If there had been a conversation to say, I'm acknowledging there's going to be some changes, and we regret that, these are what the changes are, but please know you're valuable. That conversation is so important. I think it would be difficult, but I think even for the kids processing, to hear their father or mother talk about that, that's an act of love, because dialogue can continue to happen, and even their emotions can come out, but it can continue to be resolved in time. The alternative is to not have that conversation.

I mean, think about it. When you're aging and starting to lose your memory, and Alzheimer's kicking in, and now people are saying, well, dad, what did you plan for us? And you don't remember, like, everything gets worse, right? You're just pushing off the inevitable. When you have those awkward but important conversations, again, hear the purpose. You are helping your family merge. It might be a moment where it brings something to the surface that is difficult and needs some forgiveness and work through, and yet, on the other side of that, you're not only dealing with the money stuff, but more important, much, much more importantly, you're helping to solidify expectations and relationships within your home. Yeah, and I was just thinking, as hard as that conversation would have been for me, I was a college student with my dad, my stepmom, and my stepbrother, whether he be sitting there or not, that would have been a really hard conversation, but looking back, it would have been really helpful. There's nothing talked about.

I have no idea. I'm just guessing what I thought I was going to get, and dad made a lot more money than mom, so there's going to be some money coming from him, but not anymore, and I know my dad well enough to know that if he would have had the conversation, he would have looked me in the eye and said, I love you. I value you, but here's what I've got to do financially, and I think I would have been like, okay, this really hurts, but I get it, but there was never that conversation, so you're just in the dark. You're saying that hurts, and there would have been some sense of rejection if he tells you that. Totally. But you're saying that would have been better than the ambiguity?

Yeah, I think so. As hard as that would have been, and it would have been really hard. Because you could have at least had a voice in this situation of expressing your angst or your anger or your hurt, whereas... And in some ways, the hurt would have been communicated. I would have dealt with it, and it would have stayed, but I never dealt with it because every year, now 10 years, hey, maybe. And maybe I should have had the guts to go, hey, Dad, but I never did. I'm waiting for that conversation. It never happened, so the deferred hope kept getting deferred and deferred and it got worse and worse.

If part of the conversation happens at that moment in time, it opens the door for you to have further conversation at a later point in time. Again, it is empowering, and I just got to point out here, which is another reason parents don't have this conversation. They don't want to be held accountable. They don't want to acknowledge that there's another ripple impact unto the life of my child because of choices made in the past.

I'm not trying to throw guilt trips on people, but sometimes we run away from the responsibility of our choices, and we should instead stand up and take responsibility and try to help those we love through the transitions. This is all messy and complicated, and you and your co-authors have made it less complicated. You've found a solution, ways for folks to navigate through complicated waters, and that takes care of some of the mess. This may not be the silver bullet that makes everything easy, but this book, The Smart Staff Family Guide to Financial Planning, will make things better than they would otherwise be.

We can't guarantee it's going to be sunshine and unicorns, right? But we can guarantee that if you press into this and you do what's here, it's going to go better for you long-term in your relationships and in how your money gets handled. I'm so grateful for the time it took to put all of this together and for your co-authors and the expertise they bring into this because to have a financial planner and an estate attorney coming alongside somebody who understands the relational dynamics as well as you do, that's just a gift to the body of Christ. So thank you for this. Thanks for the time on Family Life Today. Thank you. We've got copies of Ron's book, The Smart Step Family Guide to Financial Planning.

He wrote it with Greg Pettis and David Edwards. You can go to our website, familylifetoday.com, to order your copy or call to order 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, the book is called The Smart Step Family Guide to Financial Planning. Take control of your blended family finances. Go to familylifetoday.com to order your copy or call 1-800-358-6329.

That's 1-800-F as in Family, L as in Life, and then the word TODAY. Keep in mind Ron has got an event coming up here in a few weeks. This was originally scheduled to be live in Houston. It's now going to be a live stream event that is going to be held around the world. So you have an opportunity to join with what we are hoping will be tens of thousands of people all around the world tuned in to spend time together talking about how to strengthen our relationships in blended families. There's more information available about the Blended & Blessed live stream. Go to our website, familylifetoday.com, to find out how you can tune in on your own as a couple with a small group.

That's probably about as big as it needs to get right now, okay? But you can go to familylifetoday.com for information about the upcoming Blended & Blessed live stream event. It's going to happen on Saturday, April 25th, and the information is available on our website.

at familylifetoday.com. And with that, we hope you have a great weekend. Hope you and your family are able to worship together, whether it is online, as many of us are doing these days, or whether you're in a situation where you can get together with other believers this weekend.

Hope you're able to spend time worshipping the Lord. And I hope you can join us back on Monday when we're going to meet a couple who found themselves successful in business and started thinking about how their business success could be used in a way that advances God's kingdom. You'll meet Gary and Marla Ringer on Monday, and I hope you can tune in for that. I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. We got some extra help today from our friend Mark Ramey. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Bob Lapine. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life of Little Rock, Arkansas, a crew ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.