This episode is supported in part by the Christian Standard Bible, a translation designed to be faithful to the original text and clear for everyday readers. We're grateful for their partnership in helping bring gospel-centered content to families like yours. To learn more about the CSB, visit csbible.com. Even if you're going to say yes to an ex-spouse around a schedule change, for example, you need to check first with your spouse. Right.
Go to that marriage, confirm, check in. Want you to know this is not about me, you know, caring for her. This is about my kids and the schedule. And I feel like we're going to have to make this change. And it is such a pain.
And I'm so sorry. I just want to let you know what this is and what it is not. That sort of stuff matters. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson.
And I'm Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifetoday.com. This is Family Life Today. Hey, how often did our parenting disagreements lead to an emotional distance or? Conflict in our marriage. We never had any parenting conflict.
We agreed on everything. Did we agree on anything? Here's what I would agree on. I always had to be the bad guy, and you were the good guy. Yeah, that's the way it sort of worked.
And I'd redo it if I could. But now they're adults. We got grandkids. But I think, you know, parenting conflict is part of marriage. Oh, of course.
But today, we're going to talk about parenting conflict in blended families. And I grew up, you know, with a stepmom, and I watched, I mean, it's a real deal. And speaking of deal, we got Ron Deal, who oversees our Family Life Blended, the largest equipping ministry for blended families in the world. He's with Family Life and he's with us today.
So, Ron, welcome to Family Life Today. Hey, it's great to be with you guys. You know how much I love you and how much I love being with you on this program. Yeah, we love having you on. But, you know, before we start talking about parenting, tell us about the upcoming Blended and Blessed live stream.
Yeah, man, the big news about Blended and Blessed 2026 is it's free. It's free to live stream. It is free for churches to host it. You can put a group together, small group, large group, doesn't matter. It's still free for you to live stream that.
We're going to be Saturday, April 18th in Oklahoma City. Yes, there's a live audience. Anybody within 100 miles of Oklahoma City, come see us. We'd love to have you there. Small cost for them to cover their lunch cost, but essentially the entire day is free.
We got a great lineup. Kathy Lip is back with us. She is just hilarious and fun. Gayla Grace, who's on our team. You guys know how solid she is.
Davey and Christy Blackburn from The Nothing is Wasted Ministry. I love them. And Cheryl Shoemake, who is one of our favorites around here. I guess I'm going to be there too. And Brian Goens, another one of our favorites around here.
He's going to be emceeing as we. We talk about hope for the journey. That's our theme this year: hope for the journey. People can check it out, blendedandblessed.com. Hopefully that thing will be filled up and people watching on live stream.
It's free. Who wouldn't want to do this? It's going to be some of the best talks on these topics that you're going to ever get.
So sign up. Yeah.
Okay. How common are parenting disagreements in blended families?
Well, you know, couples in first marriages tend to fight about, you know, the hot topics, sex, money, you know, in-laws, that kind of stuff. Blended family couples tend to fight about parenting, tend to fight about co-parenting with a former spouse and kids moving back and forth. It's the parenting stuff that really ignites conflict in their relationships. You know, around here, we've said it before on this program, at the intersection of Parenting Street and Marriage Avenue in blended families, there's a lot of accidents that happen right there. And so everything that is a parenting conflict becomes a marital issue really fast for blended family couples.
And by the way, if there's something going on in the other home that's a parenting-related thing, that ripples through the co-parenting. Parenting relationship into your home. And the next thing you know, you're having conflict in your marriage.
So, couples really have to shore up their parenting teamwork in blended families so they can protect their marriage. And they work on the between-home dynamics with co-parents on behalf of their kids. And, you know, this is a really important subject. And as you guys know, There's a lot of people who fall into this category. The Risa Barna report that Family Life helped to sponsor found that 53% of all children under age 18 are living in some sort of complex family environment, single-parent home, moving between mom's house, dad's house, or a blended family home, or they will have a step-parent in their lifetime.
This is a super relevant discussion for a lot of people listening or watching. Yeah, not long ago, you were talking with Gayla Grace on the Family Life Blended podcast about this.
So, what was the topic that day? Yeah, so we were talking about the common traps that blended family couples fall into as it relates to parenting and marriage.
So, what we're going to do today is we're going to share a portion of that conversation with our listeners. And if there's not a step-parent in your home, whoever's listening right now, I bet you know somebody who could benefit from this. We just want to ask you to share it with them and keep listening yourself to learn something that does apply to you because there's always a takeaway somewhere of you, as you guys know. David Ayan, Gayla Grace, is on our team here at Family Life Blended. She's a writer, speaker, does a fabulous job.
She's a regular contributor to our big events like Blended and Blessed, and she hosts our Women and Blended Families live stream that is a monthly on social media. It's available on YouTube for people to watch later. This is going to be good.
Okay, let's play a portion of episode 146 of the Family Life Blended podcast with Ron Deal and Gayla Grace. When the biological parent gets paralyzed, oh, this is a pretty common dynamic, I feel like. I mean, you become protective of your kids, and so then you don't do the thing of disciplining, and then the step parent steps in, and that's not a good combination. Yeah, exactly.
So being paralyzed. What's at the heart of that? Like, I think guilt for some people. Fear. Fear.
Let's unpack both of those. Guilt would be: my kids have been through a lot. Exactly.
Sometimes it's, I did something in my first marriage that led to a lot of pain for my children, and it's made life difficult for them. And I can't get away from my own guilt of what I did.
Sometimes it's just the general guilt of. Life has not brought them and you good things. Right. And so you weren't necessarily personally responsible for causing the end for your first marriage, for example, but you still sort of feel responsible. We still want our kids to go through hard things.
And they've gone through something hard if you've ended up in a remarriage. There's something that's happened back here. That's right. And you just feel bad about it. And so that guilt ends up paralyzing you today because you think, well, they've been through enough.
Right. I'm just going to slide on this whole parenting thing. I'll let them decide what time they go to bed rather than tell them what time they're going to go to bed. Right. Right.
So that's the guilt thing. What about the fear? I think you're just fearful of what is this parenting thing going to look like as you try to parent with someone who's a step parent to them. And are they going to do it the same way? How's the child going to react to it?
Yeah.
I just thought of another one. People who have another home, not everybody does, but most do. Yes. Children are going to the other home, and there's fear about what they're being taught, or what's the character example that's being set for them over there. Or if I'm the bad guy here, are they just going to go live over there?
Yeah, okay.
So losing contact and connection with your kids.
So the influence of the other home. And so I feel like I have to parent the opposite of what the other home is doing. And that sort of paralyzes my ability to take initiative and do things here. And then there's an ex-spouse in this other home. And so how are they going to react to it?
And are they going to give us pushback and just create more stress on the kids? Yep. These are all little tough things. And the reason we're Putting words on them. For you, the listener or the viewer is You just need to know this about yourself so that you can say that's what it is.
Because this is where you then have agency. You get to make a choice about what you're going to do about that guilt or that fear, and you're going to decide whether you let that. Dominate your parenting or not. I think. I know the temptation is still there even though you know what it is, but if you can't put words on it You don't even realize how much it's paralyzing you.
Right. And I think for me, I always try to look at the long-term effect. Is this going to serve my child well in the long run? It's not if you're becoming paralyzed in your parenting.
So good.
Okay, so that's the first one, the second one. This is for step parents who are listening. Acting like... You're trying to what I call erase and replace the other biological parents.
So let's say you're a stepfather. And kids have a biological dad, and you sort of jump in there and say, I'm the new sheriff in town. This is the way it's going to work. You're going to call me dad. You're going to call me dad.
All of those high-demand sort of things. And essentially, you're acting like you are erasing and replacing their biological. Father. What that does is it sends a very strong message to the children, a couple of messages. You may not intend to send this, but you are saying to them, I'm better than your dad.
Your relationship with your dad is intimidating to me and therefore a threat to me, and therefore I'm going to try and diminish your relationship to your father. Wow. Just think about that for a minute. Imagine just actually saying to one of your stepchildren, you know, your relationship with your dad is really unimportant, and you should not be loyal to him and listen to him. I should be the guy in your life who takes that spot in your heart.
Can you just imagine saying that out loud? No, and the alarms that will go up with that stepchild. Exactly.
That kid's going to look at you as unsafe, untrustworthy. You are now a threat to me and my relationship with my dad. And so, guess who gets erased and replaced? Yeah, the step parents do. You do, right?
So, this totally backfires. And that's just the child's reaction. Imagine your spouse's reaction when they sort of pick up on all of this. Oh, right. Right.
So then they're against you too.
Now you've got a marital problem. None of this is helpful. Right. So you can't say that. And you certainly can't say erase and replace to the biological dad directly.
Whether to the child or to the biodad, that is not your place. And the good news is, you don't have to erase anybody. No. The one thing we like around here about the word bonus. And just this week, I heard somebody in Denmark use the word extra.
You're an extra parent. That sort of works for them. The idea of that is really great because if I have to erase you, I have there's only one spot where I can stand or you can stand and one of us has got to go.
Well, no, that's not right. Bonus or extra says there are multiple spots. Right. And there's room for all of us here. Dad's going to stand in his spot and be dad as it should be.
I'm going to come along and stand in my own place, be my own person, have my own influence, and find my own relationship with you, child. And we're going to be okay, separate and apart from whatever's going on with your relationship with your dad. Right. But what about when the biological dad does feel threatened by the step parent? And we talk sometimes about this no-threat message that we might need to send to the biological parent.
Yeah.
You mind unpacking that? Yeah.
Well, I mean, we actually did this with my husband and my former husband because he was feeling very threatened by Randy in regards to his relationship with my girls. And we just had a meeting with him and Randy. Just said, listen, I want to be an additional person that loves and encourages and is there for these girls. I'm not trying to replace you. And it was very helpful.
We have got a video that kind of unpacks the no threat message and how you can lay it out and say it and what form it will take. And we're going to get that up on YouTube.
So we'd love for you to look that up. And I think it'll be really helpful. Yeah.
And, you know, that doesn't have to be done in person. You can even just do it through an email or something if it feels better. But just sending the message that I'm not trying to replace you as the bio parent. One more story about this because you just sparked a memory. We had a woman contact us one time who said, I read about the no threat message.
She was reading the Smart Stepmom book and she'd seen it in there. And she said, I knew that my relationship with my husband's ex-wife was so poor that I couldn't communicate the no threat message directly, not even through an email. Like, wow.
So it was like, obviously, there's a lot of water under that bridge. And so she said, I just resolved in my heart. to send the no threat message to my husband's X. through her children. I said kind things about her to her children when they were at our home.
I told positive stories and I asked about her and their relationship with her and I celebrated their relationship with her. And she said, my hope was Her kids would leave my house and go to her house and sort of Somehow convey those messages. Wow. Four years later, She sends me a picture. Of Her and this other woman Her husband's ex, what we call her ex-wife-in-law, and they're standing side by side.
She said, We have a very cordial relationship today. When she brings the kids over, she usually comes in and we visit for a little bit. And here she's drinking tea and we're having a conversation. And when I go and pick them up, we usually say, How are you doing? and we meet at the soccer field, and we it's very cordial, very get along.
And she said, As a matter of fact, you'll see in this picture, this woman's holding a child, an infant. She said, That's my baby. We just had a baby, my husband and I, and she's holding my baby. I trust her that much. What a transformation!
But it's because she resolved to not be a threat.
Well, and it started with her heart.
So, what's in her heart spilled over, and there's and it was contagious. Oh, and it's just beautiful. It just goes to show you you can communicate the right message or the wrong message through the children, even without words. You're listening to Family Life Today, and we're listening to a portion of the Family Life Blended podcast with Ron Deal. And to learn more about this ministry, visit familylife.com/slash blended.
All right, let's get back to the conversation. That's great. Let's do another one. Unilaterally trying to right the wrongs in a child's life, bio-parents, parenting, or the parent-child relationship. And you give an example here, and I've heard Laura talk about this.
Laura Pether Bridge, she co-authored the smart stepmom. She really had an issue with the diet of her stepsons and was determined she was going to fix it. And it backfired in a huge way. Wow. Yeah.
You can make enemies real fast, I think. That's what I think is the message there. You know, it comes from a good heart. I just, so many people want to do something that's helpful for the children. Right.
And but the key word here is. Unilateral. It's not that you see something and you want to try to speak into it. Again, that you should be cautious about even in the beginning of your blended family journey. Try to go through your spouse, their biological parent, rather than directly to the children.
But unilateral means you haven't even talked to your spouse. You're just making a decision. And it's not your child. I'm changing the food you eat, whether you like it or not, and whether, husband, you care about it or not. That was, you know, Laura's situation.
You know, that's just really, really dangerous. And even though you have good intentions, it probably will backfire on you because people don't always understand your intentions. They don't know you well enough to trust you that much. And it just feels like you're invading territory.
So you have to at least start by talking to your spouse about the parent of those children. That's a starting place. And then if they're saying no, go, then you don't. Yeah.
Then you don't.
Okay. I'm backing up one. Here's another one. The biological parent is easily defensive. Or dismissive of the step parents' observations or suggestions.
Yeah, that is so dangerous because you know what I found is Randy had an objective opinion about my girls that sometimes I couldn't see because I was entangled emotionally in a way that he wasn't. And so he could see some things. And if I was just defensive about it all the time, then. I wasn't going to want to change what he was saying needed to change. And he really brought some things to the table that.
I needed to recognize. Let's unpack that because I think the hard part about this is: wow, something just went off in me. You're saying. My children, my girls, in your case, something wrong with them. And you're sort of saying, I've been a bad parent, or there wouldn't be something wrong with them.
Right. So it feels like a double little whammy here. And that's the defensive part. Right. But if it comes from a place of love and they tell you that to start, then that's what makes a difference.
So when he presented it, it would be gayly, you know, I love your girls. You know, I want what is best for your girls. But here's some things that I'm seeing that I think we need to talk about.
Okay. Yeah.
So you got to slow down the defensiveness. You got to open up and try to be more objective. And then I always tell people, make sure your heart gets. Communicated. Right.
My desire is to help your girls. Right. I really want to see them learn more responsibility or what something. And I want to be a blessing to them.
So I'm just wondering if we can talk about this. That gets the positive intent out on the table rather than the, oh man, we got some problems in this house we got to deal with. That's harsh. And it's not to say that we did it all perfectly in the beginning because we didn't. And sometimes he, you know, he did start harsher.
I did get defensive, but we learned from it. And eventually I could hear what he was trying to tell me. And the truth is, my oldest daughter has struggled with anxiety. And that's what he was seeing.
Well, I was blaming it on the new marriage, the divorce. She just can't cope. But there was a deeper issue there. That needed to be addressed.
So it turned out to be a good thing. It did because we got her into counseling and she really thrived when she got the help that she needed. To that end, let's just say step parents do have something to offer. They do. You know, sometimes that outsider can just pinpoint something or see it.
And because as you said, they're not so wrapped up in it like you are. And so, yes, there's something here. It doesn't mean, okay, step parents. Calm down. It doesn't mean you're right all the time.
Yeah, that's a good point. Because we do know our kids. Right? Yeah, exactly.
But there's something there. What if you disagree? Let's say another occasion Randy brought something to you and you're holding your defensiveness. You're listening objectively. You hear it out and you just, at the end of it, don't agree.
I think that needs to be expressed because the truth is my girls are my girls. They are different than his kids. And so he's used to kids behaving a certain way and they don't always behave the same way that you think they should.
So there it is. It's a both and. And everybody's going to have something to share. And on any given occasion, you might be spot on and you might not be. It's a conversation.
You, as parent and step-parent, have to talk, listen, negotiate, try to figure out what you're going to do. And pursue oneness and unity as you then walk out whatever decisions you make. Right. And neither one of you insists that you're right. Listen to both sides and then decide.
Uh Hey, before we keep going, let me just say this to the listener. Every single day, families around the world are facing real struggles, and Family Life is here with gospel-centered help and hope. And when you become a Family Life partner, your monthly support fuels this work. And with your monthly gift, You'll become a part of a community that receives insider updates, which is pretty amazing. Yes, it is.
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So join us. Yeah, just go to familylifetoday.com and tap the donate button at the top of the page. Number five. Letting your co-parent, a former spouse, dictate your home schedule and autonomy more than your spouse. This is so dangerous in marriage because this is going to create so much conflict in marriage.
If one feels that all you're doing is letting that ex-spouse over there dictate everything that goes on in our life. Yeah, I've had a lot of conversations with couples where the step parent speaks up and says, wow. I suggest something, and maybe, or we go round and round, or I don't know if it'll ever happen, but the other, yeah, his ex calls and he hops to it. He's trying to keep peace. For whatever the motivation is, not necessarily a romantic motivation, but just a keep-the-peace motivation means.
The other household has more say on your schedule, your life, your finances, whatever. And that just feels like they're more important than you.
Well, and the reality is, especially in the case of a dad who has a mom in the other home, she carries a lot of power. The biological mom carries a lot of power. And the dad knows that. And so he caters a lot of times. You know, there has to be this.
understanding so again between the married couple. A lot of conversation needs to take place so that the step parent gets. what the fears and concerns are of the biological parent as it relates to the co-parent right that doesn't excuse you never saying no right exactly i agree still need to be boundaries and even if you're going to say yes to an ex-spouse around a schedule change for example you need to check first with your spouse right go to that marriage confirm check in want you to know this is not about me you know caring for her this is about my kids and the schedule and i feel like we're going to have to make this change and it is such a pain and i'm so sorry i just want to let you know what this is and what it is not That sort of stuff matters. It does. And you know what I've heard, Ron, is I've heard people say, if they had just talked to me about it, I would have been okay with it.
But instead, they just made the decision and I was disregarded. That's what's hurtful. You know, everybody's going to be unhappy with the change that has to take place, but you can at least check in with one another and make sure you're on the same page. Uh We've been listening to a portion of the Family Life Blended podcast, and Ron deals with us. Ron, that last comment seems to have come.
Sort of like full circle. Yes, absolutely. We started the conversation talking about how important it is for couples to get on the same page about parenting in order to protect their marriage. And we came full circle back to that. All couples need.
Parental unity. Blended family couples really need it because there's some upside-down dynamics that work against them. And so because those conflicts are somewhat normal or predictable, we just need to try to work on it, find that unity so they don't become toxic to your family and to your future.
Okay, Ron, we talked about Blended and Blessed, the conference. When is that? Saturday, April 18th, 2026, live in Oklahoma City, live streamed around the world for any couple or any church that wants to share with others. And as you might have heard before, it's free. Free.
Doesn't cost any money.
So we really want to encourage couples to attend, and we encourage churches to live stream the event to a group of couples. In your church, and Ron's team will provide you with everything you need to promote it. And you can get the link in the show notes at familylifetoday.com. Click on that link and you can get all signed up. Yeah, guys, we know most churches just really don't have the expertise to put on a blended family event.
That's why we do all the work, that's why we make this available to you for nothing. Just partner with us and let's make a difference in a family's life. Thanks, Ron. Always great to be with you. Family Life Today is a donor-supported production of Family Life, a crew ministry, celebrating 50 years of helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.
Yeah.
