Abused but Not Forsaken

It wasn't until she was a young adult that Jennifer Michelle Greenberg realized that there was something wrong with her family dynamic.

Her dad, who was an elder in his local church, also abused her physically when they were home. So he would be one person in public at church, and then a completely different person in private. And so growing up, I thought this was normal. And I actually thought that everyone lived like this. They'd be one person at church. You'd put on your Sunday smile, and then you'd go home, and you'd lose your temper, and you'd cuss, and you'd, you know, whatever else people did.

And so part of that was part of the reason I didn't report for a long time, because I did think it was normal, and I had no reason to believe that the men at our church weren't totally different people at home. This is Family Life Today. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson.

I'm Bob Lapine. You can find us online at familylifetoday.com. Jennifer Michelle Greenberg's childhood was the kind of childhood we would want no child to have to experience. She shares her story with us today. Stay with us. And welcome to Family Life Today.

Thanks for joining us. There may be some listeners who want to be careful with today's program, because it contains some descriptions of abuse, physical violence that may be hard for people to hear. I was thinking about the verse in Ephesians that says that we are to have nothing to do with the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead we are to expose them. And you think about that and you ask the question, so why are we to expose darkness? Because why do you want to bring darkness to light?

Why reveal the unpleasantness, especially when it's been horrible? I think that Satan does his best work in the darkness and in hiding. And when we bring it into the light, then God can expose the darkness and show us truth.

Well, and I think as well, we have a clearer understanding of what is light and darkness when we can see darkness brought to light. And we're bringing that up because we've got a guest joining us today whose life was full of unfruitful works of darkness. Jennifer Michelle Greenberg joining us on Family Life Today. Welcome.

Thank you. Jennifer is a mom. She's a wife. She lives in Houston, Texas, mom of three daughters. She and Jason have been married for 13 years. She is also a musician, a vocalist.

Opera singer. So, can we get a little? No. No?

I wouldn't do that either. You want to hear us? We can do. No, nobody wants to hear us. They want to continually do this.

No, it's not going to happen. You have written a book called Not Forsaken that is a memoir, and it's a memoir about the darkness you grew up in. Yeah.

And I'm sure as you thought about this book, you thought, this will be therapeutic for me to write this down. But to go public and to tell the world what happened in your home, especially when you've got parents and siblings and others who are a part of this who are still living. Yeah. That's a tough decision to have to wrestle with. So, tell us how you wrestled with that. It was really tough. And you know, there are so many parts of the book that were cathartic and therapeutic, but at the same time, they were incredibly painful to write. I had to go back over old memories that I had already packed away and tucked away in the back of my head and hadn't really processed a lot of the grief.

And so, you know, a lot of times I felt like I was kind of on an archaeological dig in my brain, you know, digging up these old tragedies and these old crimes and dusting them off and identifying them and calling them what they were and exposing them to the light, as you said. But you know, one of the Bible stories that I really clung to as I was writing was the story of Joseph and how his brothers abused him and he was sold into slavery and he was falsely accused and falsely imprisoned and just treated so badly by everyone. But God put him in a position where he was over many people and he had the opportunity to help a lot of people because of the things that he'd been through.

And he says in Genesis 50, verse 20, You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. And that has been my hope, that God would use what he brought me through and what he healed me from to save many lives. Your book is called Not Forsaken. It's a story of life after abuse, how faith brought you from being a victim to being a survivor.

And as our listeners are going to hear, you experienced significant physical abuse at the hands of your father, emotional abuse, verbal abuse from him, and manipulation and abuse from your mom. Yeah, I don't think I've read a book where my emotions were so extreme. I mean, I felt hopeless and then by the end hopeful.

I mean, the fact that you're sitting here right now is it's Joseph's story. It's amazing. I felt extreme anger. Me too. I wanted to throw the book against the wall at what happened to you and yet forgiveness and compassion. So, it's going to be a journey today to take our listeners through your life.

Thank you. What are your earliest memories of growing up, memories of abuse? The majority of them, yes. And I think part of that is because traumatic memories stick with us for so long. You know, you try to think back to how many birthday parties you remember when you were a kid.

You don't remember the specific parties. You remember the feeling of happiness. You remember feeling loved. But then you might, for example, I think of a story when my dad, you know, threw an iron at my head and I really thought that he was going to kill me.

And those are the kind of details that just get burned into your mind. And it's very hard to reconcile, especially now that I have kids, I think, you know, as I look at my own children and I, no matter what they ever do, I can't imagine treating them that way. And I can no longer say of my dad, well, maybe he was just having a bad day.

You know, maybe he drank too much, maybe whatever. I can no longer say those things because I know as a parent, I would never do that. Your dad was reading a book on theology. Yes. And you were making too much noise.

Yes. What do you remember? How old were you at this time? I had to have been 10 or 11 years old because we had recently moved to our house in Austin and I was playing with my dolls in the living room.

So it would have been a Saturday or a Sunday because my dad was home from work. And he was sitting on the couch reading a theology book and I remember him telling me to be quiet. And, you know, I was a kid, so I thought, you know, I was like, okay, dad, you know, I'll be quiet. And I went back to playing and I don't know if I was noisy or not, but whatever happened, suddenly he grabbed me from behind and he jerked me around and he just started hitting me. And I remember thinking as a kid, it's going to be okay, this is just a regular spanking and he'll hit me, you know, two or three times and it'll be over and I can go back to playing, but he just kept hitting me. And eventually I started to really panic because I could tell that he was hitting me harder and harder and he wasn't stopping and I started screaming. And finally my mom ran in and she said, what are you doing?

And he dropped me and I didn't even bother getting my toys or anything. I just ran as fast as I could into my bedroom and I hid. I just kind of huddled by the closet on the floor. And I remember hearing them yelling and I remember just waiting for someone to come and take care of me. And I waited a long time, you know, I just sat there and I remember looking at my arm and seeing bruises already showing up and matching my fingers to hand-shaped bruises on my arms and all down my side and on my thighs. And I remember comparing the size of my hands to those bruise marks and thinking, this is how big my dad's hands are. And just realizing in that moment that I was really in a lot of danger. And I think that was the one time that I ever remember my dad apologizing to me.

And I want to say it was one, two, three days later, but he called me on the phone from work and he basically told me, you know, I'm sorry that that happened. But I had overheard them yelling and arguing and I knew that my mom had threatened to tell our pastor if he didn't say sorry. So you were going to church as a family? Yes. And would your parents say they were believers and Christians?

Yes, absolutely. In fact, my dad, he would teach Sunday school. He's incredibly smart. He has a PhD in biology. I mean, he's just, he's a very intellectual academic guy. He's not, I think, what maybe Hollywood would depict as your typical abuser. You know, he's not the typical drunk in a white tank top, you know, or whatever, sitting on the front porch, you know, or whatever. But no, he's very clean cut, looks like a good guy. I don't remember him ever getting drunk or even losing his temper in public. Was that the first time that he had lost his temper?

Oh, no, not at home. He was a very different person. So he would be one person in public at church, and I assume at work, and then a completely different person in private. And so growing up, I thought this was normal.

And I actually thought that everyone lived like this. They'd be one person at church, you'd put on your Sunday smile, and then you'd go home and you'd lose your temper and you'd cuss and you'd look at porn or, you know, whatever else people did. Part of that was part of the reason I didn't report for a long time because I did think it was normal and I had no reason to believe that the men at our church weren't totally different people at home. What you just described in terms of physical abuse, you talked about cussing and porn, this was all a part of your dad's behavior, right?

Absolutely, yes. And again, you thought it's normal, it's what you'd grown up with. Had you ever feared for your safety or did you just think you were getting bad spankings as a child? I constantly feared for my safety.

In fact, I would have recurring nightmares about being raped or being murdered. And for a long time as a child, and I think this is because I thought this was a normal way to live, I didn't expect to live until I was 21. I expected to die. And the reason was because I thought that all men were as violent as my dad.

I thought he was normal. Did you think he was going to kill you? I did.

I did. And I thought if he didn't kill me, then I would probably get so depressed that I would kill myself. And that if I ever got married, that I would marry a man who was violent. Again, this was my normal. It was how I thought everyone was. And so based on my experiences, I didn't see how I was going to survive. Yeah. And you opened the book with several stories, one of them you just told, but the other one with the razor blade.

Talk about that. I mean, that's just, I've never read a book where it started that way. And then we're introduced to you as like, oh my goodness. When I was a teenager, 15, 16, I overheard my dad talking to my mom and he was telling her what a beautiful figure he thought I was developing. And you're the oldest.

I'm the oldest. Yeah. And I had been inundated with his perverse comments and his sexual abuse for so long. And I think just as a teenager, I was starting to look at my situation with less of a childish perspective and more of an adult perspective. So there was just, you know, there's a maturity going on.

There's a hormonal development. I was starting to understand more what sexuality was. And suddenly I realized that my dad was a sexual predator and that I was his prey.

And I wanted to die. And for a long time I had kind of thought, well, I just need to make it till I'm 18. I can leave. I can get out of here. I can go to college. I can start my own life.

I'll get a little apartment by myself. But at that point in my life, I just didn't think I could make it another three years. And there's really a loss. There's really a death that happens when you acknowledge that someone you love, who you previously thought was a Christian, is actually spiritually dead.

You realize that they're dead. And so I just didn't think I could go on. And I went and got a razor blade out of my mom's art supplies.

And I took it up to my bedroom and I just sat on my bed and I prayed. And I told God, you know, I've heard that if you commit suicide, you'll go to hell. But I can't live like this.

You know, I can't stand this anymore. And so I really need a sign from you that you love me and that you're not going to abandon me. And I really just want to go to heaven right now. And I was just weeping and praying for I don't know how long. And suddenly, you know, for lack of a better word, I think I really just had something of a vision. I heard a voice say, I will never leave you or forsake you. And I knew that it was God. And I can't tell you how I knew that. Part of it is because I knew those words from the Bible. But I recognize that voice. It was like, even though I'd never heard it audibly before, I felt it in my DNA.

And I knew that voice. And I saw my mom find my body. And I saw my little sisters huddled by the bedroom door. And I remember thinking, what's this going to do to my mom?

And what's this going to do to my little sisters if I leave like this? And I dropped the razor blade and I kind of came back to this reality. And in that moment, I decided to live. I was still grief-stricken.

I was still terrified. But I knew that I had a Father who loves me and who is faithful and merciful and just. And that no matter what happens to me in this life, you know, there's no statute of limitations in his courtroom. And he doesn't need DNA evidence. And he doesn't need police reports. He doesn't even need my testimony because he was there.

And I'm not saying you shouldn't report to the police, but just knowing that he had me at that moment. Which is this beautiful miracle. Because your view of a Father was so opposite and horrific.

And you saw God as this loving Father who would care for you. It really is a miracle. And you know, I've been asked by people, it was really funny, one of my pastors actually, when we were joining a new church because we had just moved and I told him my story and he just looked at me point blank and he said, how are you so normal? I was like, I don't know.

It's just God. Or how are you still a Christian? Yes, yes. Because a lot of people growing up in what you grew up in would say, if this is what it means to be a follower of Christ, my dad's reading theology books one minute and beating me. That's not where you're going to turn for hope or help. No, that's uber hypocrisy. Yeah. So, for you to cling to faith in the midst of that, that's not been the path all your siblings have been on.

It's the grace of God that kept you held in a relationship with him in the midst of all of this. Absolutely, yeah. You started sharing that story by talking about the dad that you loved and believed was a Christian.

Yes. At 15, with a long history of abuse and hypocrisy, you still loved your dad. Yeah, and you know, I think in some sense I still do.

It's very hard. I mean, a person is always going to be your parent, you know, no matter how evil they are. As a child, I think in particular, we look at our parents as superheroes, you know, and I think part of this is just being a loving person.

We try to see the best in people. I remember growing up and just seeing the amazing potential he had and the potential he had to be a godly teacher. I remember just praying that God would put godly men in his life who would influence him. Jennifer, like that is remarkable that you're just not filled with hatred because of the things, like that's such a purity of heart, which is beautiful, but also shows the need of a child to be loved, but you're extending grace and love to him. And I think also, though, it needs to be balanced with there is anger.

One thing that I've learned is that you can actually love someone and hate them at the same time. In fact, I think that, you know, for a long time, I did struggle with anger and hate and every so often I'll hear a new story of something that my dad did and it comes back very quickly. But there is such a thing as righteous anger, you know, we are called to be angry at the wicked. In the one sense, I love my dad in the sense that I dearly wish that God would work in his heart. I wish God would soften his heart and change him, but at the same time, I'm angry at my dad because of all the terrible things that he has done.

And I think God is angry as well, you know, Psalm 7-11 says, God is angry with the wicked every day. Did you ever express that to your dad? Oh, absolutely.

Yeah. One of the last conversations I had with my dad, I was on the phone with him and I said, look, you know, I keep telling you these stories of my past and it was the weirdest thing actually. It was after all the abuse had kind of hit the fan.

The church knew about it. He'd been excommunicated. My parents were going through a divorce and I was still, you know, it was like I was mad at him on the one hand, but I dearly wanted him to repent on the other. And he would do this thing where he would go back and forth and sometimes he would apologize and he'd be like, I'm so sorry, you know, anything I can do to help you heal, I will do. And then a week or, I don't know, a month later, he denied that any of that had ever happened and he didn't remember apologizing and he didn't understand why I was mad at him. And eventually, it was really a mind game, you know, because he's More like multiple personalities.

That's what it felt like. I told him, I told him over the phone, I said, look, Dad, I can either believe that you are crazy and you didn't understand what you were doing and you still don't understand it. You're out of your mind or I can believe that you're evil and you know exactly what you're doing. And he got real quiet and calm and he said, well, I'm not crazy, so you're just going to have to accept that I am evil. And at that point, I was just stunned. I mean, it was honestly, it was the most honest thing he'd ever said. So, I think the gravity of that hit me, but also just the gravity of his sin, the depth of what he was saying and that it was true. And I just said, I can't do this anymore.

I need you to get out of my life. What you're sharing today is causing some listeners to relive moments from their own childhood. Yeah. And there's pain and there's grief and there's despair and there's anger. Yeah, absolutely. And justifiably so.

What do they do with that? I would say take great comfort in knowing that God is angry with you and Jesus weeps with us. The shortest verse in the Bible is that Jesus weeps. And you know, one of you can probably tell me the verse, but there's this idea that Jesus, even now in the throne room of heaven, He's not sitting around, you know, having a party, relaxing with His friends. He's interceding for us. He's praying for us.

He's concerned for us. He's praying for us by name. And so, He is weeping for me and He is weeping for you.

And God is angry with the wicked. And it's okay to grieve. We can weep with Christ. And I came to a place in my life where even though I knew that my anger was justified and right, I also knew that I needed to feel joy again.

And I needed to rest and focus on my kids and my marriage and not be so torn apart all the time about what my dad had done. And I told God, I was like, look, Jesus, you took my sins to the cross. All my sins. You carry them to the cross so I know that you can carry my anger too.

Even though my anger isn't necessarily sinful, you know, I may express it in sinful ways sometimes, but being angry with evil is not sinful. But at the same time, I know that you can feel this for me. And I said, Jesus, I need you to carry this burden for me because it's ruining my life. And it was amazing because after praying that, I was able to rest in God and to kind of just give that to Him. I've always loved Psalm 34 18. It says, the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

As I hear your story, I'm like, boy, oh boy, you're talking about brokenhearted, crushed in spirit. Absolutely. And yet you sit here today and I hope a listener goes, there's hope. Yeah, absolutely. My story is as dark as hers and here she is renewed in Christ.

There's hope for anyone. Psalm 56 8, you keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle.

You have recorded each one in your book. Each one, each tear. Each tear. Not just every crying episode. Right.

Every tear. I would think those who can relate to your story would find some level of healing in reading your book. I hope so. We have the book available. You can go to our website, familylifetoday.com to order the book Not Forsaken, A Story of Life After Abuse, How Faith Brought One Woman from Victim to Survivor by Jennifer Michelle Greenberg. Again, order it from us online at familylifetoday.com or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to get a copy. The website again is familylifetoday.com or you can order Jennifer's book by calling 1-800-358-6329.

That's 1-800-F as in family, L as in life, and then the word today. I know this is going to be a hard book for some people to read, but again, we hope it will be a healing book for folks as well. I know you guys are aware because we see the prayer requests that come in regularly here at Family Life from listeners who get in touch with us asking us to pray for very difficult marriage and family situations, for relationships that are strained, issues related to substance abuse, to domestic violence like we've talked about, all kinds of issues that are fracturing families. And here at Family Life, our goal, our mission is to try to effectively develop godly marriages and families.

We believe when marriages and families are anchored in what God's word teaches, when people are surrendered to Jesus, living for him and living humbly with one another, God does a transforming work in our lives and in those relationships, and we reflect his goodness and his glory to a watching world. That's our goal here at Family Life, to provide you with practical, biblical help and hope for the issues you're facing in your marriage. Thanks to those of you who make this ministry possible through your financial support. You are the ones who cover the cost of producing and syndicating this program, this podcast, all of the ways that Family Life Today is being accessed these days. Your donations are making this program available to tens of thousands of people all around the world every day, and we're grateful for your partnership with us. If you're a regular listener and you've never made a donation, today's a great day to join the team and to show your support for the Ministry of Family Life Today.

Go online at familylifetoday.com to donate or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate. And thanks in advance for whatever you're able to do. It's great to be in partnership with you. We appreciate you. Now tomorrow, Jennifer joins us again to share about how she has processed as an adult, as a wife and a mom now, her experience of childhood abuse and how God is bringing healing in her life. I hope you can tune in for that. I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Bob Lapine. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life of Little Rock, Arkansas, a crew ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.