Two Homes, Two Sets of Values

As a teenager, Melody Fabian became convinced that she should wait to have sex until she was married. When she broke the news to her mother, she was surprised by how her mom responded. So I go, Mom, I'm going to wait. And she's like, oh, that's so cute. You know, like, sweetheart, you really think a man's going to wait for you? And I was crushed.

And she just said, sweetheart, one in a million, one in a million you're going to find a man that's going to wait for you. This is Family Life Today. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. I'm Bob Lapine. You can find us online at familylifetoday.com.

What's it like for a young person to grow up with a mom and a dad who are divorced, who have different values, and who don't share your values? We're going to hear about that from Melody Fabian today. Stay with us. And welcome to Family Life Today.

Thanks for joining us. You know, one of the treasures we have here at Family Life is Dave Wilson. That was not what I was immediately thinking.

It's certainly true. You weren't, Bob? It wasn't what initially came to mind. I wasn't thinking that either.

I was thinking Ann Wilson. Oh, sure you were. Can we go away and kiss right now? That'd be romantic. That's what married couples are supposed to do.

I'm happy for you both having that. But I think we're off topic, aren't we, Bob? I think you are. I was thinking of our mutual friend Ron Deal. Oh, he's good too. Who is a great... Treasure.

Treasure. He really is. For families in our culture today to have Ron and to have his voice and to have his podcast, his Family Life Blended podcast, which is helping so many people who are in blended families, blended marriages. I just am so grateful for his wisdom and for the issues that he's addressing. I want to make sure our listeners, if you've never heard Ron's podcast... That means it's buried treasure.

That is good. He really is amazing. You can go to FamilyLifeToday.com. There's information about the podcast there and listen to...

He's got dozens of episodes available. Again, FamilyLifeToday.com. Today, we're going to hear a couple of excerpts from a recent episode he did with a mutual friend of ours, Melody Fabian. She and her husband, CD, speak at Weekend to Remember Marriage Getaways all across the country. They've got a great story of their engagement and their wedding because I think, isn't this right, they didn't kiss until they got married?

That's right. It's a great story. They're a great couple. Ron talked with Melody recently about growing up as a child of divorce, so her mom and dad were not together. And what she found was that there were different values in different homes, and that was hard for her as a kid.

You know a little something about that. Yeah, when I would go down to my dad and my stepmom lived in Florida. My mom and I lived in Ohio.

And yeah, it was totally different. You know, my mom was pretty strict and rule-based and in a good way. And my dad, I think, felt bad that he left me and the rules were gone.

Sort of do whatever you want. I remember I jumped in his car when I was 14 and he said, yeah, go ahead and drive it around the block. I'm like, what?

My mom, no way. So, of course, I got in there and I'll never forget it. He was having a party and there were many cars around. I never driven a car. Backed it right into another car. Bam! You know, and walked back in the house and he's looking at me, what'd you do?

And I'm like, well, I've never been in a car and I don't know where the brake. But I could never tell my mom even that story because, you know, I felt like I was betraying her. So, yeah, I get it. Melody's story is interesting. She had come to Christ. Her dad had come to Christ. Her dad was supporting her Christian values. Her mom wasn't. And so, Mom was the one who you might think was more liberal, but Melody was really looking for somebody who would support her faith walk.

And in his conversation with her, Ron Deal picked up on that issue and went deep with her. So, is that confusing to you, having, you know, very different climates, very different kind of emotional rules about how we do life between your two households? Yeah, I mean, I remember knowing that things were very different in many ways. Emotions are different. How you express yourself is different. And then I get saved at around 12, 13 and my dad gets saved when I'm 14.

So then it was real different. So, my mom was serving the Lord at first and then she stepped away and that was really hard because I was just going to church by myself. I had this interest in God, which was totally God that I had this interest in him at such a young age, went to church thinking, I don't know if I'm doing this church thing anymore and thank God for praying. Youth pastors, this youth pastor comes to me, Chris, and he says, Melody, I've been praying for you and I got this vision of you running a race and everyone around you stopped running but you didn't.

And I just want to encourage you to keep running. And I'm like, oh my goodness, that's exactly what I'm going through. Like, I was the only one in my house going to church. And he's like, Melody, God has called you for the ministry. And I'm like, wow, that's so cool.

What is that? Because I have no clue. We were not raised in church, so this was all new. So mom picks me up from church.

How's church? I'm like, so great, mom, I'm going to be a missionary. And she's like, who told you that? And I'm like, Pastor Chris. She's like, you don't want to be a missionary?

They don't make any money. And I was like, oh, I don't want to be a missionary. And so that was my life. Like I'd get one message at home, one message at church, and then dad gets saved. And he's like, I found the truth.

It's Jesus. And he like goes off into all these fatherhood books. And he's like, I got to win my child's heart. So now he's having this one on one time with us and discipling us and opening the word. This is difficult now because in mom's house, there were rules.

Education is very important. But we could like I could have a boyfriend at 12 and 13 as long as it's the boy visits me in my house, supervised kind of a thing. My dad is having a heart attack. Like, how can your mother let you date? You're only 13, you know? And I'm like, dad, mom thinks it's fine.

You know, and he's like, he knew. Oh, my goodness. I have no control of what is happening in my daughter's house. So I'm going to have to up my prayer game and I have to go into more of a mentoring influencer type relationship with my children. And that really helped. Like he would ask me very probing questions that I just don't think, you know, my mom and my stepdad knew how to do and they weren't serving the Lord.

So we did not have that common ground. That was another source of pain because now mom sees me really getting close to my dad. And I'm like, Mom, I don't want this to be a competition. Like, I love dad.

I love you. But you're so close to him. I'm like, I know because we're connected spiritually.

You know, at 16, I get this new biblical idea that it is the will of God to abstain. You know, and so I go, Mom, I'm going to wait. And she's like, oh, that's so cute.

You know, like, sweetheart, you really think a man's going to wait for you? Oh, wow. And I was crushed.

Wow. And she just said, sweetheart, one in a million, one in a million, you're going to find a man that's going to wait for you. And I remember going to my room, start crying and praying and saying, I don't get it. I thought she would be happy. And so it was like a whole month that we had teachings on purity and relationships and dating. And then at the end of the month, we were going to get a ring and we were going to make a commitment. And my mom is like, is this a cult?

Like, what is this? OK, we're laughing right now because it's kind of funny and looking back. But I just got to pause and say, you must have been terribly confused. It must have been pulling you into.

Absolutely. I want to say it was one of the most painful months of my life, you know, and now there's restoration. And my mom has apologized profusely for that season, but she didn't get it. She didn't understand. And so what kind of broke it all was we went shopping to get a we had to wear a white like summer dress or a light beige outfit representing purity. And she's just like, what is this? This is so weird. You have to wear white.

Is this the cult? You know, all this stuff. And she bought the dress. So it's like it's like my mom didn't support it, but she would go along with me. You know, she's like, fine, fine. We'll get this dress.

You know, I'll go. I don't really want to go, but I'll go to the ceremony, you know, and we get home and I can't find the dress. And I'm like, Mom, can I get the car keys? I think I left the dress in the car. She's like, OK.

I cannot find it anywhere. And so I'm like, the devil stole my dress. I'm like 16, like everything is against me. You know, like there was just such warfare around me making this decision. But I remember going inside. She was there with my aunt, which was my stepdad's sister. And I said, Mom, I cannot find this dress. She's like, what?

Did you leave it at the store? I'm like, I don't know. I start crying. And then my aunt is like, what?

What is this dress for? My daughter's marrying God. And I'm like, I'm not marrying God. I start crying. And Mom doesn't want to see me cry. So now she's seeing me cry and she's like, I'm sorry. And she's like, Melody, not everyone is going to believe what you believe. And I said, I know that.

I just want you to be happy for me. And she's like, well, I didn't wait. And so I don't know what makes you think you can. And I felt like that was it. That was the big lie she was holding in her right hand. And by the grace of God, I said, Mom, I have a relationship with Jesus and he is going to help me do this.

And it's almost like it shut the argument down. I went to my room and I felt the Holy Spirit say, you just go get any dress in your closet. It is not about your dress.

It is about your heart. So I had my little minty blue dress that next day. And my mom went reluctantly. And the pastor said, you know, we've been talking to your kids this whole month. Today I want to talk to the parents. And he said, you should be so proud of your kids. And he goes on and on about why the parents should be so happy. And then he said, you know, I really sense I would like the parents to put the rings on their children. And so I go to the front altar with my ring and my dad decided, no, Judy, you go ahead. Go ahead. I don't know who's going to come.

Right. I'm in front. I don't know what's going on behind me. And then my mom comes and I'm like, at this point, my tears are starting to come down. My mom has been making fun of me for the whole month and now she has to put my ring on me. And so she's standing next to me and he says, parents, please come in front of your children.

Look them in the eye and tell them how proud you are of them. Oh my goodness. I'm laughing now, but I was bawling. I am bawling.

And my mom is the sweetest, short little Puerto Rican lady. She's like, stop crying. Stop it. Oh yeah. No emotion.

You're breaking that rule. Everybody's like, happy, purity. And she's just like, stop crying. And I'm like, holding it in.

And Ron, I saw a miracle. She looked at me and then she like took a step back as if this veil just came off of her. And she looked at me again and she said, I'm so proud of you.

I don't even know why I was saying those things. And that's when I knew I felt like it was very spiritual. It felt like a demonic attack that she's just like, why did I say those things to you?

Like, this is great. I would say she stopped seeing herself and she started seeing you for the first time. You know, that's part of what God gave her. Yeah, it was beautiful. She said, I didn't have this when I was your age and I wish I did.

And I'm so proud of you. I'm going to step in here. We've been listening to an excerpt from a recent episode of Ron Deal's podcast, Family Life Blended.

Ron is talking to Melody Fabian, who speaks with her husband's CD at our Weekend to Remember Marriage Getaways. And what a dilemma for a young teenager to have a parent encouraging you to have sex with your boyfriend. I mean, can you imagine? No, I can't imagine the dilemma that she was facing. And even as she's describing the purity ceremony, I'm getting teary of what I hear is she really needed her mom's approval.

And yet, how beautiful that the veil comes down. I love the way it was described as God can do a miracle. And He did, and He does it in blended families. He does it in bio-families. He can be trusted.

So, never lose hope. God is there. He sees you.

He's going to show up in a way you don't expect it. There's another clip I want us to listen to. And by the way, again, this podcast is available for download.

You can go to familylifetoday.com and listen to Ron Deal's Family Life Blended podcast, this episode with Melody Fabian, or any of the episodes in the podcast. But Ron and Melody talked about the dilemma she faced as a teenager going back and forth from one home to another, and in some cases, being the messenger between mom and dad. If I was sitting here with your dad right now, talking to your biological father about this season of your life and all he was trying to do. You talked about how he went into a mentoring mode, a discipling mode with you, and was very intentional about that. And I were to say to him, man, obviously you stepped up your game, and you were really being intentional with your daughter, and yet you knew there was a competing message in the other home.

How did you cope with that? What do you think your dad would say? You know, I know he would say he had to enter a huge place of faith for his kids. People would say, James, like, you know, you can't control what's happening over there. Like, your kids are just going to do what they're going to do. And he just refused. He's like, no, no, I'm going to pray for them.

I'm going to teach them. I believe that God's word doesn't return void. Like, I'm going to fight for this, you know? So he had this real tenacity to, like, believe God. And it wasn't like he was calling my mom, you know, like, you better stop. He had a very, like, I'm going to pray. I mean, he would pray, and my boyfriends would move to Florida. And I would be like, are you praying that my boyfriends move? And he'd slap his knee and say, yep. And I would be so mad at him. Like, you're ruining my love life.

So clearly he took his agenda out with God in the spiritual realm and with you, but he didn't go directly and combat the other home, your mom. No. Good.

That's a good thing. I don't know what that was like earlier, because they kept their drama very apart. I don't know their drama. But I remember there being a point where he just, I'm not going to fight your mom. Like, it was just sort of like, he'd just be like, oh, my goodness, I can't believe this.

But wouldn't say much. So there was a very, like, you tell your dad, which I don't think is healthy. Parents, talk it all out. Don't let your kids be your messenger. But we were often, you know, tell your dad, tell your mom, which was not easy. Yeah.

Do you mind unpacking that just a little bit? Just emotionally, where did that leave you when one side made you the messenger to the other side? Yeah, it wasn't easy because I'd have to be like, oh, mom says this or my dad said this. And I just see their emotion, you know, like, really?

Are you serious? Like, your dad's fine. You know, or, hey, mom says, why? Fine.

You know, I think for sure for big decisions like graduation, college, they would talk very quickly on the phone. But my mom kind of grew up to like, divorce was kind of taboo. So let's just like she didn't like when there was movies where the divorce families are all eating dinner.

She's like, what? No, that is so weird. You know, I do remember that. I do remember her being like, we will not be that kind of family. Because I kind of would look at her like, what do you think, mom?

You know, like in these movies that would kind of promote that. Right. And she's just like, no, I that's just weird to me. And so I'd be like, OK, that's the way it is. You know, so we did not have birthdays together.

We did not have holidays together. It would have been OK with you. I think so. I probably would have felt super weird.

But having step parents in the room. Yeah. Yeah. The time that that had to happen was my wedding. That's when it went down. Yeah. Did it go down well?

You know, it did. There were some tense moments. I'll share one. My dad, it's like he had amnesia or something because I'm like, Dad, I have a great stepfather and I do want to acknowledge him at my wedding. And so I would like to dance with both of you. And I would like you to walk me down the aisle.

But I would like my stepfather to be in the front so that he's also present with my mom. And he didn't like that idea at first. And I was taken aback.

Like I was like, are you serious? And he's just like, but why? He raised me since I was five.

I just I was not expecting that. And that was really painful for me. And thank God for my husband and his wisdom. He he had got a word from a pastor that said, don't let no man, not even her father, hurt your wife.

Make sure you guard your wife's heart. And so he he had met my dad for coffee. And he said, listen, I know this is very painful, even though it's twenty three years ago. You know, like, but don't make melody pay for you guys decision.

This is our big day. And she wants to honor both. And he's like, I know he's a good man, but I got to share again. You know, like it's just that reopening of the wound. Right. Like he's got to get honored to, you know, and he's like, yeah. And there's a message for our listener, a separated family.

You walk it out day after day after day and children walk it out every single day. It is never in the past. OK, let's just move on. Embrace the new family. Put the past behind us. You can't do that.

You can't because the implications just continue to ripple out through life. And wow, kudos to your husband for finding the courage to have that hard conversation with his future father in law. Yes. That was a good move on his part. Yeah. And my dad received it. You know, after that conversation, he said, OK, you know, it's almost like a reminder.

Here we go again. Why am I going to fight? Why am I going to make this a big deal?

That is going to be painful for my daughter. You know, so I'm thankful that I was able to honor both at my wedding and my my husband, too. Like when he asked my parents for the blessing to marry me, he met with my dad separately and then he met with my stepdad separately and man to man. And I and my stepdad got very emotional and said, you know, I love my stepdaughters, but I don't I didn't feel the same kind of man asking for the blessing the way you have. I really feel honor.

And I want to thank you for doing that. Well, again, we've been listening to an excerpt from Ron Deal's conversation with Melody Fabian, part of the Family Life Blended podcast that's available on our website at familylifetoday.com. And the two things I'm hearing as I listen to this conversation, first of all, I'm hearing complexity.

There's huge complexity when a family is divided, when kids are going back and forth, when mom and dad aren't together, aren't on the same page. But the second thing I'm hearing is redemption. I'm hearing that God can work in those complex situations to do some amazing things.

And there can be some breakthroughs in families as people follow him. Yeah, we're sort of wiping tears from our cheeks, aren't we? I mean, it's so tender. And as we said, Bob, it's like beauty from ashes. I mean, there's obviously hurt and complexity and misunderstanding, and yet at the end of the day, God shows up and brings this beautiful moment and legacy going forward from all of that that we just get to hear about. And it gives you hope to think, OK, even in my situation or in your situation, whoever you are listening, God's there and he can bring beauty.

He's the Redeemer of our lives. Well, Melody talks in her interview with Ron in the Family Life Blended podcast. She talks about what it was like as a child when she learned her parents were divorcing. I hope listeners will go to our website, familylifetoday.com and listen to this episode of Family Life Blended and all of the episodes. In fact, I was sharing with somebody this week about this podcast and said, you need to sign up for this.

This is something you need to be listening to regularly. All the information about the Family Life Blended podcast is available on our website at familylifetoday.com. And if you have a heart for blended families, we've got an event coming up. It's our 2020 Summit on Step Family Ministries.

It happens October 1st and 2nd. It is an online event this year. You can join us via live stream from anywhere in the world, two full days of sessions and breakouts with speakers like Ron and Nandil, Kathy Lip, Ted Lowe, Laura Petherbridge, Alicia LaHaas, Rob Boo, many others. Find out more when you go to our website, familylifetoday.com. And if you're a church leader, a pastor, or you just have a heart for blended families in your church or in your community, take part in the 2020 Summit on Step Family Ministry.

It's a completely virtual online event this year. Find out more at familylifetoday.com. Now, today is the last day for me to let you know about a resource we've been making available for the last few weeks. It's our Take Your Marriage from Good to Great resource. It's a collection of video courses, some downloadable messages, a downloadable e-book, all designed to help you strengthen the foundation of your marriage so that your marriage can persevere in challenging times.

The courses, you can go through those together or on your own. You can listen to the messages from people like Paul David Tripp and Vody Bockham, Julie Slattery, and Dr. Gary Chapman. There's information on how to resolve conflict in your marriage.

There are conversation starters for you as a couple. It's all free, and it's all because of our commitment to help build stronger marriages and families. When you download this content—and again, today's the last day it's going to be available—when you download, you automatically become eligible to win a trip to Family Life where you can sit in on a Family Life Today recording session and then go out to dinner with Dave and Ann Wilson when the recording session is over. We'll cover the cost of airfare for two of you to come. We'll cover your hotel room. We'll provide some spending money for the trip while you're here. No purchase necessary.

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You'll get great content, and then somebody's going to be here for the recording session, so we look forward to that. And finally, we hope every Family Life Today listener will get their hands on a copy of my new book, which is called Love Like You Mean It. I spent a long time diving into 1 Corinthians 13 and what the Bible has to say about what real love looks like.

And I thought, what would it look like if a marriage had this kind of love as the foundation instead of a superficial emotion-based kind of love? This book is our thank you gift when you make a donation today to support the ministry of Family Life Today. We depend on listener donations to be able to reach hundreds of thousands of people every day with practical, biblical help and hope for marriages and families.

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And I hope you can join us back on Monday. You're going to hear a great story. Beckett Cook is going to join us to talk about what happened in his life 12 years ago when he heard and understood the gospel.

The transformation was remarkable, especially since he was a same-sex attracted guy living in Hollywood in the movie industry. It's an amazing story. Hope you can tune in as we have a conversation with Beckett Cook on Monday. I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team.

On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Bob Lapine. Have a great weekend. We'll see you Monday for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life of Little Rock, Arkansas, a crew ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.