Face to Face With the Author of Love

Beckett Cook was a gay man living in Hollywood, involved in the entertainment industry, who found himself at a coffee shop one day and noticed people having a Bible study at a nearby table. He decided to approach them. We talked about their faith. They told me they went to an evangelical church in Hollywood, and I, of course, got to the $64,000 question, and I said, Well, what does your church in Hollywood believe about homosexuality? And they said, Well, we believe it's a sin.

And I loved how frank and just blunt they were. This is Family Life Today. Our hosts are Dave and Anne Wilson. I'm Bob Lapine.

You can find us online at familylifetoday.com. That conversation in that coffee shop was the beginning of a remarkable transformation that was about to take place in Beckett Cook's life. We'll talk more with him about that today. Stay with us. And welcome to Family Life Today.

Thanks for joining us. I have to think there are parents who were listening yesterday who said, We got to listen tomorrow. I'm kind of on the edge of my seat.

Like, what happens next? We're talking this week to Beckett Cook. I mean, yesterday, I almost tried to keep us going.

I was like, We can't hang in there. It's like a teaser to an episode two. So here we are, episode two. We've got Beckett Cook joining us again on Family Life Today.

Beckett, welcome back. Thank you. We didn't even explain when we introduced you earlier the fact that you've written a book called A Change of Affection, which is your memoir. It's your story.

The subtitle, A Gay Man's Incredible Story of Redemption. You worked and lived in Hollywood. You still live and work in Hollywood.

Yes. But for years in the entertainment industry as a Hollywood set designer on movies and lived throughout that period of time in the gay lifestyle until more than a decade ago at a coffee shop, there was a change that happened. You've already shared with us. You grew up as the youngest of eight kids in Dallas. You sensed same sex attraction when you were in late elementary school. You were sexually abused as a young child. You started acting out during junior high and high school. Eventually after college, you came to a point where you said you're going to own your identity and say, I am a gay man. You were in a relationship with somebody that you'd fallen in love with, came home, told your parents, I'm gay and I'm moving to Hollywood and this is who I am. And you were probably felt some sense of relief and liberation. And it's kind of like my new life has started and this is going to be glorious.

Yeah. When I moved to LA, it was this very liberating experience for me because I immediately fell into this group of friends. They were all from the East Coast from Ivy League schools and they were smart and ambitious and hilarious and witty and clever and fun and funny.

And they all worked in the business, producers, actors, directors, writers. It was this kind of magical time for me in LA in the 90s. And in my friend group, people were suddenly becoming famous overnight. I moved to LA to be a writer and an actor and I struggled with it. I ended up doing a ton of commercials, commercial acting, and I really succeeded in that a lot.

But that never really fully took off. And then I was a struggling writer and I was able to write a couple of TV pilots that sold to production companies. And then I wrote a lot of spec screenplays and I thought, okay, this is where it's going to happen. And then I wrote these two spec screenplays for movies and one of them or both of them came super close to getting actually made or getting greenlit. But then they fell apart. And so I was like, what is happening?

Why does the doors keep closing and closing? Now, looking back, I see that God was kind of protecting me from like that kind of success. Because if I had become a successful actor or writer, I would have just gone off. You'd have been farther out on the edge of the galaxy. Yes. I mean, a longer way back to Christ.

Yes. If you had gone in that direction. And which at that point, what were your views of God? Was God in the picture at all? Did you have any belief?

No. I mean, I never really connected with God as a kid. I went to mass devoutly with my family and I never felt a real connection to God or thought he was real.

I thought it was just kind of this religion. And then by the time I was in LA for all those years, I just became an atheist. And it was this unspoken thing. We didn't even have to say it. We just all knew that God didn't exist and that Christians were just people in the Bible belt. And we never once did any of us ask the other person, is there a God?

We just all just assumed it was all a myth. And never any sense of maybe the lifestyle I'm living is wrong in some way? I never felt like it was wrong. Maybe deep, deep down there was a kind of a sense of something's a little off here. But I wasn't even aware, cognizant of that at the time. What about your view of long-term monogamous relationships versus partying and promiscuity?

There was an article in The New Yorker I read years and years ago, this couple in the 20s, this heterosexual couple, and the husband said, I hope you know that our marriage is going to be thoroughly modern and it's going to be open. But that's kind of how I felt. Because when you live in a postmodern relativist world and there is no God, then there's nothing to hold you back from doing whatever you want.

And it becomes very burdensome because you never know what's right, what's wrong, what's up, what's down. You're just kind of like, well, I guess I can cheat. I guess my boyfriend can cheat on me and it's okay.

I'm not sure because why couldn't he really? And all of my relationships were two years long. I had five serious, serious relationships. They were two years long.

They had the same sine wave. It was always like really great in the beginning. And then they would always kind of become sort of toxic and then taper off and then we would break up.

And that whole cycle was exhausting. I always wanted a long-term relationship, I guess, but I was opposed to convention. So when you're gay and living in that kind of postmodernist world, you don't want anything to do with convention. The idea of like a long-term relationship with a picket fence and gay marriage and all that, that was the last thing I wanted. Yeah, but five breakups from serious relationships, that's not just something you go, oh, well.

No, they were very, very painful. And what's weird about that is every time I met a new guy and got into a new relationship, I always thought, okay, this is definitely the one. Like this one is definitely going to be lifelong or whatever.

It's going to be a long-term relationship. Like those past three guys, you know, I thought they were the one, but this is actually going to be the real one. And never in any of those dark nights of the soul where breakups happened and it's the fourth time and you're just feeling miserable and going, is this all that life is? And I don't know that I want to live anymore.

You never thought, I wonder if there's a God and if there's a meaning in life. No, I never, during that time, I never thought those thoughts. Because I had a really bad breakup with a guy in Rome and basically I wrote a screenplay about it. I fled Rome. I had to like literally flee for my life. And that was one of the darkest times. When I got back to LA, I was like, I was in bed for a month, I couldn't get out of bed.

But I never thought about searching for God. It was just kind of like, okay, I guess I need to find another relationship. So you were looking for other things to fill those gaps. Yeah, yeah. There's kind of two, you know, career or relationship, people kind of focus on one or the other to fill that void.

For me, career was really important, but for me, the relationship was the really important thing to fill the void. Anybody ever try to talk to you about Jesus in those 20 years? No, not a single person.

So what do you think about that? I mean, as you think back on 20 years and nobody ever said, no Christian ever came up to you and said, hey, Beckett. I wasn't even aware of Christians. I don't know if there were Christians in LA.

I didn't know one Christian. So I don't even know who would have done that. So you walk into the coffee shop.

Yeah. So that was almost 11 years ago. I was with my best friend and we, you know, did our usual weekend stuff. We went to brunch in Venice, California, and then we would go shopping in Beverly Hills or West Hollywood. And then we would go to this coffee shop and we would hang out there.

And like it was a beautiful, like it was always sunny and beautiful and tons of people there coming in and out. But that particular day in 2009, I was with my best friend. We were talking across from each other at the table. And suddenly we look over, we notice there's a table next to us.

And it's like five young people with Bibles on the table, like physical Bibles. Now this is best friends, not a boyfriend? No, best friend who's gay. Okay. All right. He loved to kind of just get into sort of controversial subjects and conversations. So he urged me to talk to them and I was like, no, I don't want to talk to them. Wait, wait, wait. He likes to get into subjects, but he urges you?

I was always the one that had to do the heavy lifting. He's egging you on. Yeah, he's egging me on. And so I finally turned to this table and it's like a Christian's fantasy. Like, hey, what do you guys believe? I'm an atheist. So I turned to them and I said, are you guys Christians?

And they said yes. And I said, well, explain what you believe. Because I grew up Catholic. I don't even remember. Like, what's your faith? Explain what you believe and why. And here are you guys, are you just kind of mocking them?

No. The reason I was genuinely interested was six months prior to that day, I was at Paris Fashion Week. And I'd gone to a bunch of the shows and there's always after parties after these shows.

This was in March of 2009 and I just, I remember drinking champagne and looking out over the crowd. Everyone was dancing and there was music and I was sitting with these fashion people at my table. I felt this overwhelming sense of emptiness. And I thought, what's going on?

And I just, I thought, I can't live, I can't keep doing this. I can't just keep going to parties. Because I had been going to premieres and Oscars, the Golden Globes, the Emmys, all the after parties meeting. I knew everyone, met everyone, did everything in Hollywood. So that night I had that moment of, is that all there is to a fire?

Is that all there is? Six months later, fast forward, when I was at the coffee shop, that's why I was open to actually hearing. Because I was kind of like, I was in a weird, desperate state. I was like, so what do you believe? Like, I need to know something. I was kind of tired of not knowing the meaning of life. You get, it becomes very exhausting. You'd been with a counselor where you had asked, what's the meaning of life, right?

Yes, I was in therapy for five years with my analyst. And yeah, I mean, I just, every week we would have sessions and it's just like, we never got anywhere. And finally at the end of five years, I was like, Dr. Jones, like, what am I doing here? Like, what's the point? Like, what's the meaning of life? And he just like looked at me as he always did and he said, well, what do you think the meaning of life is? I'm like, okay, I quit, I quit, I'm leaving.

I can't deal with this anymore. I think that's a question at some point we ask, we all ask. I remember I was in the second grade.

She's way advanced now. No, it's because I had gone through all this abuse. And I remember thinking, why am I here? What is the point of life? I asked my dad that question in his 80s. I said, when did you first think that? And he said, I've never had that thought. You know, but I think most of us come to a point of thinking, what is the point?

Three big questions, I think. Where did I come from? Why am I here? What happens when I die? And everybody is wrestling at some level internally with where did I come from? Why am I here? What happens when I die?

In the quiet of their hearts. Well, see, that's the thing is like, I had so many shiny objects for so long. And so many fun, crazy experiences and parties. And so that kind of kept me from having those deeper questions. Because I was like, this is what life is all about. It's about having these amazing experiences, finding true love, and being successful in my career.

That's the point of this life. So the coffee shop, you say, what do you guys believe? And they're like, are you serious?

You really want to know? So they told me about their faith. What did they say? Do you remember? I don't remember exactly what they said.

I think they just basically told me the gospel. Did your friend go over too, or was he still at the table? He was kind of like behind me a little bit.

He was just kind of stayed a little behind, but he was listening to the whole conversation. And so we talked about their faith. They told me they went to an evangelical church in Hollywood.

And I, of course, got to the $64,000 question. And I said, well, what does your church in Hollywood believe about homosexuality? And they said, well, we believe it's a sin.

And I loved how frank and just blunt they were. And in that moment, I had this thing of, okay, what if God does exist? I mean, there's a slim, slim chance that he does exist. And if he does exist, what if this is wrong? What if homosexuality is wrong? And what if I've built my entire life on a false foundation and I don't know it? This all kind of just like flashed in my mind.

And so I, instead of just like storming off and like throwing a drink on them, I was just like, I just accepted what they said. So this is important because every Christian is thinking, if I get hit with that question and if the guy who's asking me is giving off any signal that he might be gay, Here's the stock answer. God loves homosexuals. He loves you.

He loves me. You know, the sin question really doesn't need to be answered right now. That would be what a lot of people would say. People want to hedge.

They want to obfuscate. And you're saying, don't do that. Be straight with people. And you can do that in a way that still reflects grace and kindness and say, you know, we think the Bible says it's a sin against God.

Yeah, and I was impressed with that. And they invited me to their church the following Sunday. And I said, you know, I don't know if I'll go, but just give me the address and I'll just, whatever, I'll think about it. So I had a whole week to really think, and I really did. I thought about it and I was like, if I go, it could be humiliating and embarrassing if this is all a myth and it's not real. And I'm really putting myself out there. And, you know, what if my friends find out that I'm going to this church?

Like, that's, you know, that's a real scandal. But the following Sunday morning, I woke up and I was like, I guess I'm going to church today. And I just, I don't know, I just kind of, and I got in my car and it felt like a Tesla, just like it self-drove to church.

And so I got to this auditorium where it meets. And I remember thinking, you know, I really like how just minimal it is. It wasn't like stained glass windows and smoke and candles and bells and vestments. It was very plain and I appreciated that because I had never been to an evangelical church. I didn't know what it was like. And then I heard the Christian worship band playing and I immediately cringed because I was like, Christian music, I forgot that was a thing. But then I like, I was like, wait, it's actually good, it's nice.

And I walked in and sat near the front by myself. The pastor came out and started preaching on Romans chapter seven. He was in a two-year series on Romans. And he just started preaching for an hour and it was just like full gospel. Like, and he's a very powerful preacher. And I just remember thinking while it was happening, just every word he was saying was resonating as truth in my mind and my heart and I didn't know why. I was like, whoa.

Like everything he was saying, I would be like, that's true. And I didn't know why. And I didn't want him to stop preaching. I just wanted him to keep going. I was literally on the edge of my seat.

And so he finally left the stage and there were people on the prayer ministry on the side of the church who during the second set of worship, who would pray for you if you need a prayer for anything. So I did the same thing. I was like, well, if I go over there, it's going to be embarrassing. And I was kind of like going back and forth on my foot. And I finally went over to the side and I walked up to this guy once again. And I'm like, hey, I don't know what I believe, but I'm here. And he said, okay, let me pray for you.

And it seemed really powerful and it seemed really loving. And then I walked back to my seat and I sat down. Everyone else was standing and worshiping for 25 more minutes.

They were singing. I sat down. I was sitting there processing everything. And all of a sudden the Holy Spirit was like, and just God overwhelmed me and revealed himself to me. And it was like in that moment, it was like in my mind, God was like, I'm God. Jesus is my son. Heaven's real. Hell's real.

The Bible's true. Welcome to my kingdom. And I was like, whoa. And I just started bawling and bawling and bawling. And I was crying over my sin, but also over the fact that I had just met the king of the universe, Jesus. And it felt like the curtains had parted for the first time in my life and I could finally see reality and see the truth. And it was so cathartic and I couldn't stop crying. I mean, I was hysterically crying to the point where people around me were worried about me. They were going to call like the medics or something. And then I got home right after that service and it happened again.

I was in bed to take a nap because I was so overwhelmed. And God, it was like Moses when he's in the cleft of the rock and God passes by with his glory. God was like, let me show you some more of my glory. And he just like floods me again with his spirit and I jump out of bed and I'm like, oh my God. And I start crying again. And I'm like, you have my whole life.

It's yours. I'm done. And that was it.

In the middle of my bedroom, I was like, I'm all yours. And I knew in that moment that homosexuality was a sin. I knew that I was wrong. I knew that it was no longer my identity or who I was. It was a thing of the past, but I didn't care because I had just met Jesus. And I'm like, I'm going with this guy, Jesus. Wow.

So that was September 20th, 2009. Wow. So, I mean, few people have a conversion experience like that.

Well, that's what I didn't know. Because I thought I just, when that happened to me, I assumed everyone had that same conversion experience, but I guess, I don't know. You're, yeah. Well, I mean, scripture says we get the mind of Christ and for most of us, it feels like that's a... We're out to Damascus. Yeah. And it's, I mean, for us, it's over years and months that the mind of Christ, I mean, it is immediate, but yours was immediate.

I mean, understanding sin, heaven, hell, your lifestyle, all in a download. I know. God had a ton of grace on me that day.

I don't know why, but he just did. And that meant that the next day was going to require some differences. And this is one of the things you talk about in your book, A Change of Affection. I want to encourage our listeners, this is a compelling story of God's transforming work in Beckett's life.

Get a copy of this book. Go to familylifetoday.com to order or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to get your copy of Beckett Cook's book, A Change of Affection, A Gay Man's Incredible Story of Redemption. Again, our website is familylifetoday.com. You can also order by phone if you'd prefer.

The number to call is 1-800-FL-TODAY, 1-800-358-6329. That's 1-800-F as in family, L as in life, and then the word today. You know, I love the fact that we get to tell these kinds of stories and share with listeners about God's amazing grace and his amazing work in our lives. And I just want to take a minute and say thanks to those folks who team up with us so that we can do this. And so we can share this with hundreds of thousands of people every day via radio, through our podcast, through your Amazon Alexa device, all of the channels where Family Life Today is now available. Thanks to those of you who helped fund this program by donating so that we can cover the cost of producing and syndicating family life today.

On behalf of the hundreds of thousands of people who benefited today from this conversation, thank you for making that possible. If you're a longtime listener, we'd love to invite you to join the Family Life Today team and make future programs available for more listeners. Help us reach more people more often with practical biblical help and hope for marriages and families. You can do that by donating online or by calling 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate. When you do, we'd love to send you as a thank you gift a copy of a book I've just completed called Love Like You Mean It.

Take a long look at 1 Corinthians 13, the qualities of love that are described in that chapter of the Bible and talk about what a marriage looks like when people are patient and kind and not rude or unbecoming, don't insist on their own way, all of the things that describe real love. The book is our thank you gift to you when you donate to support the ministry of Family Life Today. You can do that online at FamilyLifeToday.com or you can call to donate 1-800-358-6329, that's 1-800-F as in family, L as in life, and then the word today. Now tomorrow, we want to find out what happens when somebody who has been living a gay lifestyle for more than a decade comes to faith and recognizes I can't keep living this way and starts talking to his friends about that. Beckett Cook joins us again tomorrow. Hope you can be with us as we continue our conversation with him. I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Bob Lapine. We'll see you back tomorrow for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life of Little Rock, Arkansas, a crew ministry. Help for today, hope for tomorrow.