This episode is supported in part by the Christian Standard Bible, a translation designed to be faithful to the original text and clear for everyday readers. We're grateful for their partnership in helping bring gospel-centered content to families like yours. To learn more about the CSB, visit csbible.com. All right, so today we are talking about dad tired. Is that a thing?
Well, I just want to know, do moms get tired? Are you kidding? Like, every woman's listening. Like, of course, women are tired. Moms are tired.
Are dads tired? All the time. A hundred times more than moms, because we do so much more than the moms. Yeah. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most.
I'm Ann Wilson. And I'm Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is Family Life Today. Literally, it's the opposite. I watched you and most moms, they never stop.
And I'm not saying dads don't either, but you talk about tired and exhausted and worn out. Moms are worn out. But so are dads. And sometimes we as women don't give them space to even admit it because we feel like our lives as moms can be so much harder. But I think this is a real thing, and I think it's good to talk about it.
Yeah, so we've got Mr. Dad Tired himself, Jared Lopes, in the studio, started a ministry years ago called Dad Tired. Jared's been on here before, but it's been a few years. Welcome back. Mang, it's good to be back with you guys.
This feels right. And I'll just say, every time I tell somebody Dad Tired, I do feel a little bit silly because I know my wife's like, okay, mom tired is very much a real thing. And everyone keeps saying you should start a ministry called Mom Tired, which we should because moms are absolutely. It might be next. Absolutely.
But I have to tell you guys, like, Even coming into the studio today, I was excited and I was thinking, why am I excited as a woman that we're going to talk about dads being tired and men? And I felt this, Dave, every time you would preach on this at church, I think women. Are anticipating this message. And I'm not sure why. Why do we like that?
What do you mean, anticipating what message? We like it when you talk to dads and men about the gospel, about Jesus. And I think it's because we see the greatness in our men. We see the potential. And I think maybe I'm feeling it more because I think we're living in a culture that downgrades men.
We're living in a culture that's, I love that we're lifting up women, but in the midst of that, it feels like men are dumb or overlooked. Yeah, there's the masculine toxicity, which is a real thing. But I feel like sometimes men are thinking, who are we supposed to be now?
Now, Jared, where'd you come up with even the title, Dad Tired? Yeah, somebody just asked me that. And I wish I could say I was like clever enough to sit down and put a bunch of names together that was going to be a hit. And it was none of that. It was actually Dad Tired started in a season of my own marriage that was, we thought we were on the brink of divorce.
We were in a Very, very rough spot. To this day, we bring up this season of life and it still brings Layla to tears. You know, it was so, so hard. My son was three, which was the age that I was when my dad bailed on me.
So it was just really an emotionally hard, hard season. There was a story, I've told it many times in the book, and I've even told it last time I was here. But Layla had been waking up in the middle of the night. She'd been setting her alarm at two in the morning to go into the living room and she was praying, begging God that he would capture my heart again because I was so hard-hearted. I had pushed her away, I had pushed the kids away.
And she had just been, she was like, I don't know what to tell Jared. He had been a pastor. I had been a pastor for 12 years.
So she's like, what do I say to him? He knows all the answers, right?
So I just need God to do what I can't do. I need God to change his heart. And I didn't know she had been getting up in the middle of the night to do this. She told me in the middle of a fight, which. It was a terrible thing.
You know, I was ready to fight. I wasn't ready to hear that my wife's praying for me.
So she tells me this, and that was what really God used that to soften my heart. You know how the Bible says it's God's kindness that leads us to repentance? It was the kindness of God through my wife. And so God just started changing my heart. I happened to write this blog that said, I feel like I'm failing as a husband and dad, but I don't want to.
I don't want to do it to my son and to my kids, what my dad did to me. And that blog, I wasn't like a blogger. I say I wrote a blog. Like I wasn't a blog. It was like a millennial processing online.
You know, like that's typical. Yeah. So I just wrote this blog, but it went viral because all these mommy blogs picked it up and started sharing it. And these guys started to reach out and say, Jared, I feel the same way. I feel like I'm not the man I want to be or who I thought I would be.
And so I was like, these guys need to talk to each other. We need to encourage each other. And so I created a little Facebook page. And they said, what do you want to call the Facebook page? And I just said, dad tired, almost tongue in cheek.
And it. It was the most, it was the smartest, unintentional thing I've ever done because it guys resonate with that.
Something happened around the country and the world when you put that blog out there, and the title is perfect. You know, I know it was just a thought, but man, when you read that dad tired, you're like, that's me. I want to be a winner. I want to be the best man and husband and dad. We all have it, I think, in us.
And yet we feel so tired and we feel like we're failing.
So something connected with men. I think that's it because most guys, there's not a lot of men's ministry out there that is doing. I mean, there's some stuff out there, but there's not a ton. When you think comparatively to women's ministry, there's not as much for guys. And there's especially not as much for dads.
And the stuff that I was coming across was like, Dude, you need to figure it out, man up, get it together. And it's like, well, I know, I know I need to do all that, but I just can't seem to do it. And I need God to do in me what I can't do in myself. And so I think. The way gods use it is that you're starting off by saying, I'm not perfect at this.
That name kind of gives the indication, I'm not perfect at this, but I'm willing. We used to say, dad tired and loving it. Like, that's the name of the first book. I'm totally exhausted, but I love this and I'm willing to keep going. Jared, when you talked about your wife praying for you, Layla.
Mm-hmm. One of the things that I've got to do is by the way, we didn't mention you got four kids. Four kids. Yeah. Wow.
But when she died when she talked to you that one night. Do you remember what she said, which to me, when I just got stuck on that of what she asked you of you being a Christian?
Well, that's a different conversation. That was a different conversation. Or do you not want to go there? No, I mean, oh, there's a different time, different than that prayer at night. I thought it was around that same time.
So, she asked me that when we got when we first started meeting, and I was getting to know her. She has she was fairly new to the faith. Yeah, tell our listeners what she said. Yeah, so she Layla gave her life to Christ in college, so she came in with just a real hot fire for the Lord. Like, you know, I'm this is all new, and God has saved me, and she's passionate for the Lord.
That was attractive to me. And so, she sees me just kind of going through the rhythms of ministry. I remember one time she said to me, She said, Jared, are you a Christian because you really love Jesus or because you get paid to be? And I was like, who are you to say, you know, I teach people about Jesus, you know, I do. And she was asking sincerely.
Like, she, she wasn't being sarcastic. She wasn't being sarcastic. She just was really curious. Like, it seems like you're just going through the motions. And she has a way of hitting you across the face with truth.
And somehow you still feel like that. I guess so. And I honestly was mad. I remember I took her home back to her apartment and I was like, you know, I guess maybe I'll call you some other time. But I got back to my apartment.
And that question, those words just kept going through my brain over and over and over again. Like, am I really committed to this or am I just going through the motions? And I think, you know, the Bible says in Genesis, like, man, it's not good for man to be alone.
So let us create for him a helper. Man, Layla has helped me really figure out what it means to live a life for the Lord. And I think that's a key point for a lot of guys and our spouses in general. Like, do you view your spouse as somebody that is helping you become the person God wants you to be? Versus.
Is this person just gonna make me happy all the time? Yeah. That question didn't make me happy, but it did make me more holy. Yeah, it's interesting that, you know, you have the conversation after you're married that she's getting up at two AM and praying for God to get your heart. You had a conversation years before, before you're even married, and it's still the same Sort of request and prayer.
I mean, Ann and I spoke at a chapel at a seminary a few years back, and they said, tell the students something they need to know. You know what our first point was? I wonder what you think of this. Our first point was, and you know, I've been in ministry. 30 years as a church leader pastor, and this was probably 10 years ago.
So, 20 years, I said, you can have a really successful ministry with a really lousy walk with God. You can figure out, here's what you do, here's how you pull off a good service. And I'm not saying that's what you should do, but it was like, I never thought that was possible. I thought it had to be an overflow of your thing. And that's what she was getting at.
So, as a man and as a husband, as a dad, what would you say to guys? Because there's part of me that goes, hmm, I think a lot of us need to hear that from our wife or somebody to say, are you the real deal? Is this walk with God? Is it on fire? Even the spiritual leader part.
Yeah. What is that? I think men feel overwhelmed with that. Yeah. I mean, a couple of thoughts on that.
First is, I was thinking you could probably say the same thing about like. Appearing to have a successful marriage and family, but be far from God. Yeah, you know, I can post pictures on social media and I can show up in public and even to church. And man, it looks like we're got our lives together and behind closed doors, our marriage is falling apart. My heart is far from the Lord.
You know, I think there are a lot of, if we're honest, there are a lot of people in that situation. And what we don't want, like for us at Dead Tired, what we don't want is just tell guys, here are the 10 things you need to do to behave well so that you can just get your life figured out. Guys, know, like, we know. That's why most guys don't want to go to counseling because they're just like, I'm not going to pay somebody to tell me what I need to do. I already know what I need to do.
You know, and so I think what we're trying to do is say, man, what we really want you to understand is the gospel that God should have bailed on you because of your brokenness, because of your sin that you're already well aware of. And instead of bailing on you, God has pursued you with His great love. If a guy meditated on that, studied that, focused on that day in and day out, it's It's impossible to not love your wife more when you recognize how much God loves you. It's impossible to not be more patient with your kids when you realize how patient God has been with you. And the list goes on and on and on.
The gospel is actually what's changing us as men, not just behavior modification. I just want to remind our listeners that our vision at Family Life is every home a godly home, and we need your help to get there. And when you become a family life partner, Your monthly support makes that vision actually possible.
So the question is, will you come alongside us and alongside families in need? And you can go to FamilyLifetoday.com and read more about it and become a partner. Just click the donate button at the top. And again, you can go to FamilyLifetoday.com.
Well, it's interesting. As I read your book this week, The Dad Tired QA Mixtape, which, by the way, has a cassette tape on the front.
Some of our listeners are like, what's that? I grew up with. Actually, I grew up with a, what was 8-track? And then a cassette tape. And that, you know, Jesus said it answers the questions about faith and family.
So you answer all kinds of different topics and questions, but the more I read it, the more you keep coming back to what you just said. If you want to love your wife, be the husband, be the dad your wife and your family longs for, it all comes back to this walk with God. I mean, over and over, because you, like I said, you QA, mixtape, it's all kinds of questions. But I kept getting, that's the theme, right? I mean, I was.
If I'm honest, I was thinking about that. Two nights ago, as I was falling asleep, this is usually where God speaks to us in the silence. Our lives are just so have so much noise in it. You know, it's just so busy, especially your life with four kids. Yeah, literal noise all the time.
But I was laying in bed and I was falling asleep. It was quiet. And I just was feeling that it starts with, what am I doing? Am I being the man? Am I actually doing a good job as a dad?
I was feeling that through the day. Like, haven't had a good conversation with my kids, haven't been intentional with my kids this week. I was coming up with all the strategies I needed to do.
Okay, maybe if I do these three things, I'll be a better dad this week. And I just, I literally came back to that thought that you just said, what I really need to do is fall more in love with Jesus, come back to Jesus. Because if I'm in the presence of the Lord and I'm reminded that that gospel truth, I will be a better dad. I've seen that play out. I'm not just saying that because it makes a good book title or chapter or whatever.
Like I've seen it play out in my life. The closer I am to Jesus. the naturally the better husband and father I am. And you know what? I'm thinking as Jared says that.
You represent all the women listening right now, in some ways. I'm still stuck. Oh. Back on when Jared said, guys know what they're supposed to do. As a wife, as moms, I think we think, do they?
I didn't know that. Because that's w that's why we as women keep reminding. No, no, I'm saying that. Because I talk to a lot of wives and I I think that Our impression is guys probably never think about this stuff. Guys are thinking about how they can be a better dad and a better husband when they go to sleep at night because some men aren't always verbal in saying, man, I want to be a better husband or dad.
And so, even that fact that guys know, you think they do. I think intrinsically there's guys want to do well in their role as a man. Most don't know how. And so they find other things to be good at. Work The feedback loop at work is faster.
I go to work, you tell me my job description, and I do it, and I get a raise, or I get a pat on the back, or you acknowledge I made the closed the sale, or whatever it is. And so that's just, I want to be good, but I, but I don't know how to be good at home. I can be a good dad. For five years, and my kids never say, Dad, you're a good dad. I try to go home and be a good husband, but my wife never says, You're doing a really good job.
Thank you.
So it's like, Well, I'll just go play video games because I can beat all the levels at that. Or I can go to work and have my boss tell me I did a good job or get home on the fantasy football team and beat all my friends at that. You know, what but I'm there's Guys want to be good. You know, we want to succeed. And that's what, again, that's what we're trying to do at the attire.
It's like. Then, how can a wife help? I think that women underestimate the power that their voice has to build up their husband. Damon. It is so powerful.
I'll speak for myself. I didn't grow up with a dad.
So, I longed for somebody to tell me, you're doing a good job, and I'm really proud of you. And then again, like I was just saying, we look for places where we'll hear those words.
Some places, it's not even necessarily sinful. It's just work or the sports field or whatever. You're doing a good job, I'm proud of you. But for a wife to look at her husband And say, even if she doesn't see it all, but to say, I know you have what it takes to lead our family well. God has given you the skills.
And if you can be specific, like God's given you these three skills that I see, and you do such a good job at them. And I can't wait to see that the man that God is calling you to be, and I'm here with you, that you will put so much wind in your husband's sails. By speaking those kinds of life-giving words to him. I did it wrong so many years, and I had no idea the power and influence I had as a woman to use those words in that kind of way. Yeah.
And again, I don't know if you've experienced this, Jerry, but I felt like what you said earlier, I was pretty good outside the home because people told me. And then when I came home, I'm doing my best, but I would hear boo, I'd hear, like, you know, you're not as good a dad as you think. You don't, and I didn't even know I did it. I found myself. Navigating my life toward outside rather than inside.
And then, when Ann decades ago started flipping the switch and started speaking, like, you're a good man. And we've said this many times on here, but at first I was like, No, I'm not. You've never told me that before. I didn't believe it, but she started to speak. It changed me to be a better man.
And I think that's what happens, isn't it? I'll just say as a man, even hearing the story of her telling you you're a good man made me emotional. Really? Wow. That's like the DNA in the soul of a man.
That's how powerful it is. I literally, I'm like, to hear a wife tell her husband, you're a good man. And because I think most men will have the same response you did.
Well, no, I'm not. I'm failing in this area. But for a wife to just keep speaking those words, I know who God's called you to be. I'm with you. I'm going to partner with you.
I'm going to partner with God to see you become that man. I know you have what it takes. Man, a lot of men will rise up when they start to hear those words. It's like you have a superpower. It really is something God's.
And again, we're not saying there aren't times when you as a wife need to speak truth.
Sometimes your wife has. It's interesting, too, is many times when she's spoken truth to you, she's posed it as a question. And then you're just like thinking. About that, I like the way she's done that. She's smarter than me.
That frustrates me. She's playing chess. I'm playing checkers. I mean, what Jared said earlier about, and it's like I said, it's all through this book, the Dad Tired Mixtape book. That the best way to love your wife is to be a spiritual man, basically.
As a wife. Do you feel like that? Like that is what we long for as women. our man to just walk with God. Yeah, I think so.
And I think so many women are feeling weary of carrying that alone. They feel like they're pulling that part of the relationship. Hey, let's go to church. Hey, kids, let's go to church. And, you know, the dad's just kind of tagging along, and women don't know what to do.
And so. You know, we hear like, oh, the man's supposed to be the spiritual leader. And so everyone has a different picture of what that should be and look like. And I think that men hear that and they can feel overwhelmed by that. What does that mean to be the spiritual leader?
Do you guys feel overwhelmed by that task? First, most guys don't want to lead, you know, and then you throw the word spiritual in front of it. And it's like, well, gee, no way, you know, I don't want to lead in that, that way. I would say, I always tell guys, spiritual leadership is just first to take initiative.
So not the first one to know all the answers, not the first one to be able to quote scripture and know all the theology and all that, just the first one to take initiative. I'm going to get up first, make sure our kids get to church this Sunday. I'm going to be the first one to say, let's crack open the Bible and let's just study it together. I've been doing that with my kids. We just, we literally, we don't have any planned Bible studies.
I didn't go to seminary. I don't know like all the answers. I just literally open the Bible, the book of Mark, sit my older kids down, and we just read one chapter a day. And there are a lot of times where my kids are like, what does that mean? And I say, I have no idea.
But we took initiative. And I think that's spiritual leadership.
So it's just initiative. That's what spiritual leadership means. That's good. I was going to say, too, when you said, you know, wives want their men to lead. I think I would imagine it's hard for a wife to trust their husband in leadership if he's always being selfish and like just doing his own thing.
But if a man's actually chasing after God, he's repenting of sin. Sin. He's humble. He's serving. I just can't imagine a wife not saying, Well, I don't totally know what you mean by that, or I don't totally know what direction, but I do know your heart is with the Lord.
I do know you want best for us. I do know you want to make the heart of the Lord happy.
So, like. Wives, it seems like, would be much more willing to submit to that kind of leadership if she could trust the heart of her husband. Yeah, that's good. And I think, as women, we just want a partner. I think men can feel overwhelmed by it, but we're thinking, I love that word initiate.
If you initiate sometimes, if you're our partner in it, that we're a team, that feels really good. Yeah, I think. Jared, do you feel like this, like for us men, sometimes we think leaders or leadership is this big, huge. You know, it's not a step, it's like a jump. that I can't make, but when you say initiate.
as a guy, I'm like, oh I can do that. I mean, it could be I'm at the dinner table and I say, hey, before we eat, let's pray. And I mean, it's not some big holy prayer. It's just. That's accessible to a guy.
Is that what you're saying? Is that what you're writing about? Is that where you're finding that? Finding that tire in a heartbeat, man. Yeah.
Stumble your way forward. That's it. Stumble your way forward. Spiritual leadership: as many 10 to 15-second moments throughout a day, you can point your family's eyes back to Jesus. That's it.
What else have you done, Jared? You've mentioned, like, hey, we're reading the book of Mark. What are some other steps dads can do?
So the one thing I just said there was trying to find 10 to 15 second moments.
So most of the time, we think spiritual leadership is like, okay, I need to do a devotional. Got to go on Amazon. I got to find a devotional to pick through. And then I got to sit down and find the time. I'm tired at night.
So I don't want to, you know, it feels big. I always just say, pick as many moments throughout the day where you're trying to have the kingdom of heaven invade the kingdom of earth here in your child's life or in your wife's life.
So that could be, I was coaching my son at soccer, and we were out on the field and the sun was going down and the sunset was insane.
So I just literally whispered in his ear, man. Look how creative God is. Just stop real quick and look at that. And he's like, whoa, that's cool. 10, 15 seconds.
All I'm trying to do is just keep in mind, son, there's a God bigger than us. There's you're part of a story that's bigger than you. Just use one time. We were in the grocery store. This didn't turn out to go as planned, but we were in the grocery store and there was a couple fighting in the aisle next to us.
The wife said to the husband, I'll never forgive you for this. And I thought, okay, 10 to 15-second moment, I can point my eyes.
So I get down on my son's level and I say, Son, I will always forgive you because God always forgives us. And he had tears in his eyes. And I was like, so I'm like, this is work. Like, this is working. I'm doing a good job.
And he looked at me with tears in his eyes and he said, Daddy, I have to go potty so bad. It's an emergency. He did not hear a word I just said. Stumbling your way forward. You know, just technically use every opportunity you can to point your kids to the side.
I mean, that's actually a beautiful way to think about. Dad tired, whatever you want to call it, just being a man. And obviously, any mom or wife could do the same thing. It's good to run me. But it's just bringing it down to simple 10.
I like the 10-15 second that I can grab. Yep. The other thing I would say, too, is a good, we all know the difference between a good leader versus a boss. Mm-hmm. Bosses just tell us what to do, and we're in trouble if we don't do it.
A good leader looks at the people that they're leading and says, What skills do you offer to this team to make us all better?
So a boss would say to his wife, you do what I say, because I'm the man. A leader says, What skills do you have that I don't have?
So I'm going to delegate. You have, God has given you as my wife wisdom in ways that I do not have it. You can look at things differently. We've talked about my wife. I mean, she's sharp.
She's sharper than me, right? And so leadership is not, I'm doing this all by myself. Leadership is saying, whoa, let me point out the skills that you have in this marriage and you lead us in this direction. But again, I'm just taking initiative to get the whole team involved so that we can become the family that God wants us to be. See, I get Tieri.
He's even as you talk about a husband telling a wife, these are the gifts that I see you have, and I need you. It melts a wife's heart. Like we long to hear those words. That's so good. And I think for the wives as we hear this, this is encouraging me and a good reminder to me to say thank you to my husband, to point out the things my husband's doing right.
So I think as a woman, as a wife, as you're listening, even asking God, God, show me the things that my husband's doing well and help me to say them. What a great day with Jared. Always value added. I really love him. Yeah, and you got to get his book.
It's called Dad Tired and Loving It. And a subtitle Stumbling Your Way to Spiritual Leadership. That is exactly how it happens. We stumble our way there. And again, you can get it at familylifetoday.com.
Just click on the link in the show notes. We want to hear from you. You can leave us a voice message with your questions, concerns, praise reports, or whatever. All you have to do is go to speakpipe.com/slash familylifetoday. Again, that's speakpipe.
Dot com slash family life today or get the link in the show notes. Family Life Today is a donor-supported production of Family Life, a crew ministry. celebrating fifty years of God's faithfulness as marriages grow stronger and families flourish in Him. Yeah.
