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Some of you are still trying to be a coach to your kids, and they're in their 30s. or their 40s. You're still on the sidelines saying, don't do that. You're still trying to call a huddle and get them to play the game your way. No, you need to learn how to be a consultant and if you don't make that shift, it will create a problem in your relationship with your adult kids.
Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson. And I'm Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifetoday.com. This is Family Life Today.
Well, welcome to Family Life today. We've got a great day for you. We sure do. We have a guest that maybe you remember or you've heard before. It is our friend Bob Lepine.
Yeah, and he was the host of Family Life for almost 30 years. And he was on the Love Light Community Cruise with us and gave a talk on navigating relationships with adult children. This was such a popular talk. Everybody was talking about it the whole time. Yeah, so you don't want to miss it.
And you're going to love Bob. And, you know, he's got that voice that's sort of familiar.
Some of you have heard it for decades.
So here's Bob. Uh I'm guessing that if you're here, you probably have at least one child and you're no longer paying their cell phone bill or their car insurance, right? Yes. How many of you are in that category? Raise your hand if you've got.
Okay, that's a great liberating thing. But here's the problem: sometimes, with that, these kids start making choices on their own. And we don't like some of those choices, and it can create relationship tension. And that's what I want to talk about. As we talk about relating to your adult kids, I'm aware that this is an issue for so many parents.
And let me just start with where we are.
So, a lot of kids grew up, a lot of our kids grew up thinking the gospel is there's a God, I need to keep the rules, and if I do, I'll have a good life. And then they went to college and found out I'm keeping the rules, and other people look like they're having a better life than I am. And they began to question what they had learned because what they hadn't learned was a full biblical gospel. It's not what they'd been taught. They'd learn, keep the rules, and God will bless you.
Instead of learning that your life is about God being at the center and you serve Him, and they're going to be bumps along the way, but you keep hanging on to Him because that's what this is all about.
So, in hearing this incomplete gospel, When they started to go, I'm not sure I believe that anymore. They started to look around and say, this doesn't jibe with my experience. And then something else was happening at the same time. There's another sociologist, an author by the name of Aaron Wren, who says that. In the era that I grew up in, In the 50s and the 60s, Christianity was perceived as a good thing.
In fact, if you were an insurance agent, you made sure you went to church because you wouldn't get any business if you didn't, right?
So So Christianity was seen as a net positive. But he said in the 60s and 70s something started to happen. Christianity moved from being a good thing to being a neutral thing. But he said in the last decade we've seen a shift. It's gone from being neutral to being a negative.
So now if you say you're a Christian, there are people who will immediately think poorly of you. You see, in a generation, we've gone from a good thing to a neutral thing to a bad thing. And our kids who are reprocessing their faith in a culture where Christianity is going out of favor are thinking, I'm not sure I believe this, and there's a penalty to pay if I do.
So that's a part of what they're having to deal with.
Now, with that as kind of a background of how we got to where we are, let me take you to a passage of scripture, and I want you to turn there if you have a Bible with you on your device, or some of you even have an old. Paper Bible with you. You can get that out. Turn to Ephesians chapter 4. And I'm going to show you three verses here that are the verses that are What I come back to over and over again when it comes to my relationship with my adult children.
But of course, it goes beyond just my adult children. This is the Apostle Paul speaking, and the first three chapters in the book of Ephesians are where he lays out his theological foundation. Here's what God has done for us in Christ. And chapter four is a turning point in Ephesians where he says, Because of what God has done for us in Christ, Here's how we should live. And he starts in Ephesians 4, verse 1.
This is the word of God for the people of God. He says, I, therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called. With all humility, and gentleness with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the spirit, in the bond of peace.
Now, let me just look at those three verses with you for a second. The goal, he says, is the unity of the spirit in the bond of peace.
So, what he's aiming for, what he wants us to be eager to maintain, is unity in the spirit.
Now, when we talk about spiritual unity, we talk about being aligned around the gospel. Yeah. But unity is pleasing to the Lord. Especially in the church. In fact, Jesus on the night before he's crucified, when he's praying, he says, I pray, Father, that they would be one, even as you and I are one, that there'd be no division.
He wants us to be united in him and united in the central message of the gospel.
So unity in the church is pleasing to the Lord. That's the goal. He says to get there, you have to walk in a manner worthy of your calling.
Now, what does that mean? That means that when I am walking, when I'm doing life, when I'm interacting with my adult kids or with anybody, my number one goal should always be that that interaction would put the glory of God on display, that Jesus would be seen in how I'm interacting with them. That if they are going to react or reject what I'm doing, it's not because of how I'm presenting it, it's because of the message that they're rejecting. He says walking worthy means you walk with humility. You walk with humility.
Here's what that means. That means you walk. Saying, I can learn from you. Just as much as you can learn from me.
Now, as parents, we don't feel like that's really true, right? I mean, we really feel like I know more than you do. I've lived longer than you have. I've had more life experience. You should just be quiet and listen to me.
But that's not humility. Jesus is the one who said that we're really good at seeing the speck in our kids' eyes. Not just our kids, but other people's eyes. But when it comes to our adult kids, we can see those specks clearly. But we're not so good at seeing the log that's in our own eyes.
Humility says, I've got to pull back and say, What's what's going on in my own heart and life? I've got to walk with humility. Secondly, he says: if you're going to walk in a manner worthy of your calling, it's got to be with gentleness. You know, the only. two things Jesus ever said about his own character.
When he was describing himself to others, he says, this is what I'm like. Do you know what the two things were? I am meek. and lowly of heart. Meekness is not weakness.
Meekness is power under control. And lowly of heart means that we are humble.
So we must be gentle. Gentleness requires that we be self-controlled. And we have grace for others. It's about controlling anger in the midst of frustration. It's about mercy and love and compassion and kindness.
So we must be humble. We must be gentle. The third thing, if we're going to walk in a manner worthy of our calling, we must be patient. Who knows what the old King James word for patience is? Long suffering.
A patient person suffers for a long time. That's it goes with the territory. And it's fascinating to me that. In the description of love in 1 Corinthians 13, Where it begins to describe this is what love is. The first thing it says, love is.
Patient.
So if you're going to really love somebody, you're going to suffer for a long time. It's what the Bible teaches. Love is long-suffering. It means that, well, let me read one definition. The Greek word for patient literally means you put your anger.
and wrath far away from you. That's what the word means. It means to put anger and wrath far away. To be long-suffering is different than being hasty or angry in punishment. You endure patiently as opposed to losing faith or giving up.
Let me ask you some diagnostic questions to see just how patient you are. Are you easily provoked? Can the right somebody say thing and you just You go off, do they know your buttons? Are can your buttons be pushed easily? Do you find yourself easily annoyed or angry when your adult kids don't think the way you do about things?
Are there times when you're interacting with your adult kids when you feel your muscles tightening and your stomach getting clenched up and your fists are going like this? Patience means that we can endure those things. By the power of the Spirit. And walking in a manner worthy.
So it's with all humility, gentleness, patience. The last one is forbearance, bearing with one another. Bearing with one another means that we're tolerant of differences on secondary issues. That we can bear with one another even if we don't see eye to eye on secondary issues. You're listening to Family Life Today, and we've been listening to a talk that Bob Lepine gave on the Love Like You Meet cruise last February.
And let me tell you, we're going back out on the boat this February, and there's a sale going on so that you can join us at a deal. And we want you to come. You're going to love this cruise. It just hits every area of your marriage. You have time to have fun.
You have time to talk. You have time to go into these great ports. And you can get this sale now through June 30th. And all you have to do is use the code Countdown27 to get these savings. Yeah, so just go to familylifetoday.com, use the code countdown27.
That's good through June 30th.
So I would suggest you do it right.
Now.
Well, why don't you listen to the rest of what Bob said on the cruise and then do it?
So, with that, let me give you just some practical thoughts, things that have tripped us up. With our adult kids. One of the problems with parents, with adult kids, is that you have not graduated out of. The last phase of parenting to your new phase of parenting.
So there are four phases of parenting when you're raising your kids. When your kids are little, You're a caretaker. Your job is to keep them alive and fed and keep them out of harm and danger. They don't do much, but you control everything about their lives just to keep them alive. And then when they start to crawl and they become toddlers, you move from being a caretaker to being a cop.
So now when they go about the day, you are going around writing tickets and putting them in time out or disciplining them. You're sending them off to prison, right, for their behavior. Because, and you've seen this happen, you know, when they can toddle and they can pull themselves up and there's a plant and they're reaching in and they take the dirt and you go, no, no, no, no, don't eat that. And they look at you and they look at the dirt and they look at you. And they start to do that, and you're going, no, no, right.
And they just go take the dirt to their mouth, and you go over and slap their hand, and you send them to their, you, you, and, and they, you're being a cop. There's a penalty to pay. That's the fine that they have to pay for eating the dirt.
So you're a cop for many years until they get into their Late or early adolescence, the teen years, maybe pre-teen years, and you move from being a cop to being a coach.
Now they are exercising their own judgment about things. You can't cop them anymore.
So now you have to be around and say, okay, here's what's going to happen. Here's what you need to do. Think of a basketball coach. You put the player in the game. You're shouting things from the sideline.
Block, defend, shoot. You you're pulling them out of the game. If they do something wrong, you're benching them. You're huddling up and giving, you're coaching them through, but they're starting to make choices on their own. They get their driver's license, and you can't cop them anymore because they're out on their own making those choices.
You have to coach them. Before they go out, you have to ride herd on them.
So you're coaching them. There comes a point where you have to move from being a coach to being the fourth level, which is a consultant.
Okay, a consultant is somebody that a client hires to give them advice. And so when you become a consultant with your kids, you say to them, You know, if if we can ever help you with any Any counsel or advice on this? We're here. You let us know. But you're no longer their coach.
You're now a consultant. waiting to be hired by them. Here's the problem.
Some of you are still trying to be a coach to your kids, and they're in their 30s. or their 40s. You're still on the sidelines saying, don't do that. You're still trying to call a huddle and get them to play the game your way. No, you need to learn how to be a consultant.
And if you don't make that shift, it will create a problem in your relationship with your adult kids. Here's a second issue. For a lot of parents with adult kids, too much of your identity is wrapped up in your adult kids' behavior. You're concerned about your adult kids' behavior in part because of the choices they're making, but in part because of the reflection it is back on you. And you're parenting, and you're embarrassed, and you're afraid that your friends are going to say you must have been a bad parent because your kids are living out.
You just have to learn how to let that go. And trust that the Lord was more sovereign over the experience than even your parenting. That the choices your kids are making, they're making because they have their own free moral agency, not because you did something right or wrong.
Now, we did things wrong. Who did things wrong as a parent, right? All of us did. Is God sovereign over those things? Yes.
Can you let that go? There may be some things you need to apologize to your kids for. That you did wrong, but ultimately, don't have your identity wrapped up in your kids' behavior. Here's a third thing.
Some parents have problems with their adult kids because you never let your kids leave when they got married. The Bible says that in marriage, the first step is a man shall Leave father and mother, cleave to his wife. And in Psalm 45, it says that a woman is to leave her family. They're to leave and form a new relationship.
Some adult parents never let their kids leave. They continue to try to coach when they shouldn't be coaching, and they've not honored that new unit as the independent unit that it needs to be.
So I think those are three of the pitfalls that we can fall into as adult parents. And then As we watch our kids grow and make choices, either moral choices or spiritual choices or political choices, I mean, let's just be honest, a lot of the divide between one generation and another generation right now is on who you voted for in the last election.
So what do we do if we've got a child who is Has stood up and said, I no longer believe what you taught me to believe. I'm not a Christian anymore. I no longer publicly profess faith in Christ. How do we respond to that as parents? And some of you are there.
Well, I think we respond the way the father in the prodigal son story responded in Luke chapter 15. How did he respond? What he did was he continued to pray for. and wait for his child. To wake up.
We know that he didn't do anything that would have created a barrier for his son to come home when he woke up. And that's maybe the most important thing that you can do. You make sure your child who has abandoned their faith knows that they're always welcome. Back home. They're always welcome, that your love for them is not contingent on their profession of faith.
That you love them unconditionally. Father of the prodigal son saw the son starting to make but move home, he ran to him and embraced him. Threw his arms around him and welcomed him, and the son knew he was always welcome back home. And I think that's maybe the most important thing. We did an interview a number of years ago with a guest on Family Life Today, a man named Phil Waldrup, and he said, Here are my six principles for what you can do as parents.
If your son is a prodigal, your son or your daughter, number one. You have to learn to live guilt-free in your own Christian life. I thought that's really interesting that he would say, in order for your son or daughter to come back home, you have to learn how to live guilt-free. What does he mean? He means that Romans 8:1 is true.
There is, therefore, now No condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. You say, but the mistakes I made. Yes, there's no condemnation. God forgives that, God erases it. Here's what God does with the mistakes you made, the sins.
He puts them as far as the East is from the West. He puts them behind his back where he doesn't see them. He puts them at the bottom of the ocean, the Bible says. The Bible says the omniscient God remembers them no more. God, who knows everything, has chosen to forget your sins.
Can you do that? That's the first step. That you need to be able to receive God's forgiveness for you and walk in that no condemnation in order for you to be at a place where you're ready to receive your child back home. Number two, if you sinned against your prodigal, you need to go to them and seek their forgiveness. That may mean writing a letter.
That may mean face to face, but if God has burdened you with areas in which you sinned against them, you may need to go to them and say, you know, as I've been thinking back about. When you were at home or this time or this situation, I've just been convicted that I did things wrong there and I want to ask for your forgiveness. And you do that. And and look That's the only agenda. It's not like, now is there anything you want to ask me about?
You know, you don't fill up, once you've confessed, you don't say, do you have anything you'd like to say? And that's not how that conversation should go. Number three, you must love your prodigal unconditionally. You do not hold back your love for your prodigal. Until your prodigal changes, you love them unconditionally in the middle of the sin that they're in, in the middle of the rejection that they're in, and you make sure they know you love them.
Here's the fourth thing he says: you must allow sin to run its course. When the prodigal was away from the father, While he was caught up in riotous living and still had money, He wasn't thinking about back home, and there was nothing the father could do. He had to get to the pig stye. before he woke up. And your child, as painful as it may be, may need to get to a deeper level.
of sinful engagement before they ever wake up. And I have Talk to parents who have prayed for their kids. To hit the bottom. farther than they are, so that they'll wake up. And prayed for God to bring other people to speak into their lives.
And then you have to guard your words with your prodigal. Be very careful in guarding your words. Life and death is in the power of the tongue, the Bible says. And if you want to know Well, what kind of words should I use with my prodigal? Read Ephesians 4:29.
which tells us that our our speech should always be give grace to those who hear should be seeking to edify them. That it's a good verse to memorize in terms of the kind of speech you should have with your prodigal. And then finally, the sixth principle is keep praying for your prodigal. Keep praying. for that prodigal.
Let me give you another passage that's one that I've come back to over and over again over the last five years in all kinds of contexts. This is 2 Timothy 2. It's Paul's last letter writing to his protege Timothy, who's a pastor in Ephesus. And he says to him about being the Lord's servant, and I think that's all of us. We are all the Lord's servant.
He said, the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome. Must not be quarrelsome. Let me say that again. Must not be quarrelsome. But Kind of a good to everyone.
Able to teach, and then here's the kicker, patiently enduring. Evil. It's not patiently enduring inconveniences. or differences. Let that sink in again.
Don't be quarrelsome. Be kind to everyone. Able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting opponents with gentleness, it says. And it goes on to say this. God may perhaps grant them repentance, leading to a knowledge of the truth.
They may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil after being captured to do his will.
So there's the promise of scripture here that we act the way we're called to act. Don't be quarrelsome. Be kind. Be patient in enduring evil and correct with gentleness. And God may grant them repentance.
And that's what you're praying for, that God would awaken them and bring repentance. I'll close with this. 3rd John, verse 4, one of my favorite verses in the Bible, is the verse John is talking about his spiritual children, but he says, I have no greater joy. Than to know that my children are walking in the truth. And if that's true, I think there's no greater pain.
than when our kids aren't walking in the truth. And when we feel that pain, we take that pain to Jesus, who knows the pain. better than we do. And we say, Lord, they're in your hands. I trust them to you.
And I trust the outcome of their lives to you. And Lord, would you do what I can't do? Would you be their coach? instead of me trying to be their coach. Yeah.
What a great day. Listening to Bob Lapina on the Love Like You Mean at Cruise last year, and hopefully that will help you with your adult children. It definitely helped us. That's just so good. He's so practical and biblical.
I just love this whole talk. And let us remind you: we're going back out on the boat in February of 2027, and we'd love to have you with us.
So, if you'd like to join us at a discount through June 30th, you can get a discount. Just go to familylifetoday.com. Use the code countdown27 and I hope to see you on the boat next February. We want to hear from you. You can leave us a voice message with your questions, concerns, praise reports, or whatever.
All you have to do is go to speakpipe.com/slash familylife today. Again, that's speakpipe. Dot com slash family life today or get the link in the show notes. Family Life Today is a donor-supported production of Family Life, a crew ministry, celebrating 50 years of helping you pursue the relationships that matter most. Yeah.
