Absurd Truth: Funeral Lip-Reading

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It's time for Florida Man. Florida Man Dylan Brewer from Clearwater Beach was sentenced to probation and community service for vandalizing a graffitied crosswalk in Delray Beach. So it's a graffitied crosswalk. They vandalized the crosswalk and made a pride flag on it and then he vandalized the vandalism and he got in trouble. They said that he performed a burnout on the crosswalk and that's that's why he was charged. Someone charged him for driving and burning out on a crosswalk. Specifically because they painted the crosswalk with pride colors. They revoked his license for a year.

He's got 12 months probation and 150 hours of community service. That's the dumbest stuff I've ever heard of. That is so stupid. That is so stupid. So may someone should give him Uber for a year. So goofy. Since it's paint, you're vandalizing a city street. You can't get in trouble for vandalizing somebody else's vandalism.

That's so dumb. Florida Man ordered about $500 in food without paying at two separate restaurants. That's a lot of food.

Polk County, Florida. He ordered $500 in food and drinks at two separate restaurants in less than 14 days. He was charged with defrauding an innkeeper. They didn't spell innkeeper wrong over at the AOL website where the story comes from.

They pulled it from Fox 35 Orlando though. He two different restaurants. I don't even know how you can eat all the stuff that he ordered.

One Sunset Martini. And after eating he just like would walk out of the back doors and didn't attempt to pay. So they booked him into Polk County Jail.

He bonded out a couple of days later. Florida residents are warned it's that time of the year. Watch out for falling iguanas. The temperature when it drops below the mid 40s, iguanas go into a dormant state, a cold stunned state. And a lot of times they fall out of the trees where they perch. There was a story a couple years ago, someone getting killed because they got hit in the head by an iguana that dropped out of a tree. So they said that if the cold wave evolves the maximum temperature departures you could see a lot more iguanas falling out of the trees because of this cold, this cold snap that's pushing through. And so they said just look out for them. They're stunned. They can be up to five feet long.

They can weigh up to 25 pounds. And they Yeah, if you don't, if you're not paying attention to them falling out of the tree, you can get hit. It's literally a story that we have every year.

It's crazy. So everybody be careful out there with everything. And let's see last but not least, if we have time, never buy fireworks out of a van with a guy that is missing two fingers.

Because that's what happened. This guy was illegally apparently selling fireworks on the back of a van near a meat market. The folks over at Kel-Tec. Kel-Tec, longtime friend of the show. I'm a huge fan of what Kel-Tec does. I'm a huge fan of their firearms. Everything's built right here in the U.S. of A in Florida. They have got a great story, great all American story. And as we head into the later part of January, this is all this about the same time every year that Kel-Tec unveils the new things that they've been working on.

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Innovation performance, Kel-Tec, K-E-L-T-E-C, Kel-Tec weapons.com. Look, politics are stressful right now. But there are much better ways for conservatives to spend their time than to see what mood Joe Manchin might be in for a given vote, or which special interest group on the left will steamroll Joe Biden today. I'm Greg Kourambas. Join Jim Garity of National Review and me each weekday for the Three Martini Lunch podcast and we'll give you the day's good, bad and crazy news for conservatives with some much needed laughs on the side.

So please join us subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started the year as the would be Democratic presidential nominee. And we all know what happened after that. Again, you didn't see a particularly warm greeting between the first couple and the second couple. But again, we are at a funeral.

So one has to take that into account. Oh, they're not all like so super sad that they can't even greet each other cordially. That's Jake Tapper, who's narrating because Joe Biden and Kamala Harris, they did not like seeing each other at Jimmy Carter's funeral. And it's like you could not even act for five seconds. You couldn't act for the cameras for five seconds when you walked in and took your seat. You couldn't do that for five seconds. Just it was weird watching all of that.

Welcome to the program Dana Lash with you. We are at the the bottom of this third hour, or sorry, second hour. And I'm and if you're tuning in, there's no video today because Texas is covered in ice. We had a thick layer of ice laying down and then a big old thick layer of snow and it's not safe for the crew to drive in because the roads are horrific. So everybody stay safe out there. And of course, we're praying for everybody and his homes are being burned down.

It's horrible. The funeral for Jimmy Carter, you had all of the presidents, all the surviving presidents that go and they sit in the order of when they took office. And you had the Pence's who were sitting next to Gore, and then Trump and Melania come in. And they shook hands with Gore and Pence who rose to greet them. Karen Pence stayed seated.

She stayed seated. She did not look at Melania, nor did she look at Trump. And then they took their seats. And then you had Obama come in. And he didn't shake Trump or Melania's hand, but he briefly kind of, you know, acknowledged them. And then he shook Mike Pence and Karen Pence's hand and then Al Gore.

And then he sat down. And then the Bush's come in and George Bush comes in and wraps Obama on the stomach, just doesn't even look at the Trump's. And then he goes and greets the Pence's and Al Gore. And then the Clintons come in. And everybody greets each other, except for Trump and Melania.

It's so weird. So the only people, it was Mike Pence and Al Gore and Obama that were actually the nicest, and were actually greeting and greeted Trump and Melania. And it was weird to watch because it seemed like Obama and Bush were the kind of joyful ones, you know, they were the ones that looked kind of joyful and happy and relaxed and normal. Everyone else looked like they had accepted and Trump did too. But, you know, in terms of how people were treating him and Melania, everybody else kind of looked stiff.

It was weird. But the Bush's did not acknowledge the Trump's at all. I think Bush is still angry because Jeb exclamation point was supposed to be, remember, he was supposed to be the next in line. It didn't happen that way. He was the next in line. He had an open path. And it didn't work out. Didn't work out that way. Because Republicans, you know, you can't give us more of the same if you're not, you don't change anything. I mean, Republicans were part of the immigration problem, part of big spending, part of all of it.

So it's very, very, very interesting thing to see with all of that. So this, and watching it, I'm just, you can tell that they didn't like each other. Kamala and what's his name? We don't remember his name any much longer. The second lady. Doug. What's her husband's name? Kamala Harris's husband's name Doug Emhoff. Oh, that's right.

Doug Emhoff. The second lady or dude or whatever the hell they come in, and she's just stony faced. And then the Biden's the nobody's greeting anybody. They did not look to be like they were happy sitting next to each other. They didn't acknowledge each other. How do you walk into if you know, I don't care if it's a funeral?

How do you walk into a funeral and you're walking into an aisle like a pew? And you're sitting next to people, the people who are your vice president. And you don't even acknowledge them.

They didn't acknowledge them the entirety of the service. It is so wild. They hate each other. And Hillary Clinton just recently learned how to style her hair again. So she's got this big bouffant 80s hair going on.

Did you see Steve? You saw her hair, right? Yeah. Well, let's kind of roll it a bit. I mean, it's wild. It's gotten bigger. She keeps her secrets in it. I don't know. It's gotten bigger.

It's a lot of those. But she just had like this weird, not a smile. I don't know how to describe it. It was this weird expression just plastered on our face and Bill Clinton. He's he's kind of like Obama and Bush. They're just sort of laid back and they can kind of hang together.

I think they purposefully also I know that they sent them an order that they've served. But I really think that all the organizers were glad that they weren't sitting in the bushes next to the Trump's and that Obama was the buffer. I think Obama had to take one for the bushes because they because the bushes can't stay in the Trump's. It's just so fascinating to watch all of the little pettiness play out because you don't really get these sorts of you don't get these public displays like this very often.

And so when you get them, it's completely acceptable to Zapruder level analyze them. And I just I keep watching it. Did anything stick out to you Steve when you were watching this? My favorite part was there was a moment that C-SPAN caught where Trump kept whispering jokes to Obama and Obama kept laughing at him. And then you see the camera pan out and Kamala turns over her left shoulder, sees them laughing, and then turns right back around with like a pout and looks at Doug. It was the best.

Wow. Yeah, he was cracking up. I want to know what he said. Wasn't there there? I think there were like lip readers or something. Oh, my gosh, that's gonna be great.

But I don't know. I just did the whole thing. It was very interesting. But it was Yeah, when when Bush came in, it was like he skipped in. And he he they all acted like they were running late. When the bushes came in, they like barreled over. And Obama stood up the Trump's didn't.

And he Bush wrap Obama like in the abdomen, because he Obama apparently get along very well. And it's just very fascinating. I'm watching some of this now.

I'm super fascinated by all of this. Do the bushes and the trumps have beef? Are they? I don't know.

Bush and the trumps? Yeah. Oh, yeah. They think that. So Jeb was going to be the guy and then Trump made fun of him.

And then just ripped it right out his hands. Remember that? They are they they did not like him for that. They did not like him for that at all. I mean, it went so far that W would even defend Obama from Trump's criticisms.

He he kept saying that he wasn't going to get super political and politicize anything. And I don't know, maybe there's other stuff that they know that we don't. But I don't know, it was just very interesting. And then when the Clintons came, Bush stood up for the Clintons as Hillary and Bill approached. And Trump and Melania just stay seated. And I thought it was interesting. Obama stayed seated when Hillary walked up to because Obama and Hillary don't like each other.

They never have liked each other historically. I feel like we're sitting at the lunchroom table and we're gossiping about people and it's so worth it. Because you never get these displays like this ever.

You never get to see stuff like this ever. And then all it is really hard. I think when you get old like that, too. One of the things my grandmother told me is that as she got older, she had less energy to pretend to like people that she didn't want to like. And I always thought that was hysterical when I was younger. But that now, you know, I get it.

Like as you as you get older, you just don't have time for the nonsense. And I and I think that all plays out. I don't know if Biden knew where he was. I don't know.

But Obama and Trump were cutting up and it was funny. It's our friends over at All Family Pharmacy. This is such a great service.

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It's time for Dana's quick five. So a cookware group has filed a lawsuit against Minnesota's PFAS ban, the toxic chemical stuff. So a cookware group has filed a lawsuit against the ban. It's the Cookware Sustainability Alliance.

They filed it against the Commissioner of the Minnesota Pollution Control Agency. And they're trying the law went to effect January 1, they're trying to say it's unconstitutional and unenforceable. The forever chemicals that are in the district that are in the cookware, and the laws banning the sale and distribution of such cookware.

And it covers you know, everything from rugs, cookware, all kinds of stuff. So they said that it imposes a burden on interstate commerce, and discriminates against out of state commerce. And as a result, it violates the Commerce Clause in the Constitution.

So that's the angle that they're going for to try to stop that ban. This Girl Scouts are retiring two cookie flavors, the s'mores and I don't even know that these existed. I haven't bought Girl Scout cookies since they're playing Parenthood stuff. Because I just thought it was inappropriate for young girls selling cookies to be, you know, for them to have an association with Planned Parenthood. But they said that they are discontinuing those. I didn't even know there was the s'mores and the toast yay cookie. If it's not Thin Mint, it's trash. Thin Mint or the no just Thin Mint.

If it's not that it's trash. So they they're discontinuing those. Let's see this. Ooh, 200 aggressive monkeys. There's a war that has been launched on them. The macaques monkey that's in Thailand, they have a huge problem with us. They're actually violent and bitey. And they and they steal people's stuff.

It's crazy. So they've tried a sterilization campaign, but apparently that didn't get them the results that they wanted. And so now they're in the second phase of the war. They're planning to neuter 100 of these monkeys.

And then they did 122 of them in one district last year. Now they're going to try to establish feeding zones to prevent them from straying into residential spaces where they've been attacking people. And you know, I just, I mean, why don't they train them?

Train them to do stuff. Male strippers are facing extinctions. They said that there were no male strippers booked for in Britain. There was not a single male stripper apparently that was booked for a bachelor party or any I just women are not like dudes.

And they said that bookings for those experiences increased elsewhere but not for dudes. I wanted to switch gears here. We got to talk about why are are all the lesbians in California named Kristen? I think they have to be. Lorraine found this interesting thread specifically on these fire chiefs. And I mean, I don't care if they're all lesbians named Kristen. I just think it's hysterical that they are all lesbians named Kristen. The first fire chief that they have a gay woman, Kristen Crowley, and then they have their assistant chief for the fire department, Kristen Kepner.

She went to the Harvard Kennedy School for managing diverse organizations. I don't even know what that means. She apparently was accused of beating her girlfriend. I don't know. And then there's the first, I don't know what, what is an equity bureau chief? What the hell does that have to do with fire? The co founder of equity on fire. It's the Los Angeles Fire Department's equity bureau chief. The first lesbian equity bureau chief, she makes $399,000 a year.

I think for $399,000 a year, a lot of people would pretend to be gay and interested in equity. I, I am amazed at this. They're all named Christine or they're all named Kristen, all of them. And then you get to the Los Angeles Fire Department training commander.

Now I will say this chick does look like a legit dude, Jamie Brown. She stands out because her name isn't Kristen. So there, the entire Los Angeles Fire Department is a bunch of old white lesbians with the exception of the one lesbian whose name is still Kristen. Right? I don't even I golly I cannot even this is I can't even make this up. So just to recap in California, the entirety of the fire department is run by old white lesbians named Kristen with the exception of one black lesbian named Kristen. Did they like was that a goal?

Did they set out to have them all be like what is the what is in the world? And why do you what the hell do you have to have an equity department for? You're the fire department. You fight fires. That's all you do is fires. What do you do fires? That's it.

You don't do anything else. I just, you cannot make this stuff up. This is and no wonder they're burning. No wonder. This is crazy. I mean, I feel like this.

Oh, man. Now, I don't think anybody's arguing that the alphabet stuff has anything to do with the fire. What we are arguing is the priorities clearly of Los Angeles. Because while they were allowing the I mean, the accumulated record rainfall to just drain into the ocean. They weren't capturing the water. They weren't making sure their hydrants were working. They weren't work trying to talk with land management, especially in federal land Bureau of Land Management comes into play with a lot of that. They did make sure that they checked all the lesbian Christians and checked all those boxes to work in the fire department.

That's you got to admit, it's weird. And clearly the priority wasn't on actual fire. They created all of these other they they can't afford to hire more firefighters, but they can afford to pay half a million dollars to someone who's an equity bureau chief, whatever the hell that is.

Can anyone explain that one to me? What the hell does an equity bureau chief do? Like, it's so prevalent, the equity that you have to have like a whole bureau for it.

I'm all weird. How do you what school do you go to for that job? I'm all women becoming firefighters, but like, be good at it, you know? Yeah, be good at it. Like, you know, learn how to fight a damn fire and learn when to deploy stuff.

So they're apparently they're also getting criticism because they waited so long to deploy. I'm just think about that for a minute when you've got I think they said it's 1000 feet a second. Just think about that in your head real quick. How fast that is. When seconds count. You can't wait to deploy your fire department. You can't wait when seconds count. You cannot wait. So they're getting a lot of criticism. And it's interesting because the criticism is coming from with inside the department that they took too long to deploy. That's a whole other man, you know, there's going to be losses. Thanks for tuning in to today's edition of Dana lashes absurd truth podcast. If you haven't already made sure to hit that subscribe button on Apple podcast, Spotify, wherever you get your podcasts.