Absurd Truth: Funeral Potatoes

Dana Lashes of Sir Truth Podcast. Sponsored by Kel-Tec.

It's his life mission to make bad decisions. It's time for Florida Man. I'm not trying to laugh at this, but it's so funny. Okay, and maybe I was trying to stifle a laugh and it made my eyes water. Police in Central Florida are on the hunt for a man who was accused of robbing a Bank of America while wearing a wig. Now, he was, is that a face mask that he's wearing?

Like not like pre-COVID, but like a COVID face mask? See? He entered the Bank of America in Edgewater, showed the bank teller a note as he displayed a firearm. He had a fake wig on. Well, obviously fake wig. He had a wig on. And he's a big dude.

And police are sharing photos of him using a long-haired wig, blue jeans, white shirt, gray zip-up jacket, carrying a little black bag. And nobody would ask questions because we're in that era where, I mean, don't assume his pronouns. You know, he's just doing very poorly as a woman. No, right?

Am I right? You can't ask questions because maybe he's worried about the pandemic. Maybe he's a trans. You know, so you can't ask questions. Pre all of that, people would be like, you're here to rob us.

But now you can't because you're assuming it's pronouns. So I don't know. Anyway, so they can't find him now. This dude robbed a bank. He robbed a bank and you're urged to contact a detective. So this is the way.

Yeah, apparently that's it. You know the people that are happiest about the trans stuff and the face masks? Robbers. Bank robbers. Because, like I said, before all of that, y'all would have been like, that man's gonna rob us. You need to hit the alarm.

But now you can't because it's considered mean. Maybe he's here to rob you. Maybe he just started trying to be a woman and he's just horrible. You don't know.

And he's worried about germs. You don't know. I don't even know how this happened. A Florida woman was missing for days and they found her in a shipping container. You know, that happens sometimes. Yeah, it was Click Orlando, Marlene Lopez. She was missing. They found her the next day just before noon in a shipping container next to a business. They asked, what happened? She said she didn't know.

I was in one place and found in another. And apparently, the people who owned the shipping container, they went in, they secured it for the night. They didn't know she was in there. But finally, they heard her, New York Post said, somebody heard her banging from the inside.

And they called police. I'm not saying it's aliens, but yeah. Was she drugged and just stuffed in a container?

Good Lord. Or aliens. She's wearing an early 90s neck choker. So I'm assuming drugs. Because it had a charm on it. If it was just a thin black choker, I'd be like, okay, maybe she's just, you know, retro. But it had a charm on it. And I always thought that was the trashier version of it. So I'm thinking drugs. That is Detective Dana figuring this out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Apple AirTags. A Florida man is accused of stalking his ex using Apple AirTags. I mean, yeah, the girlfriend of Roberto Quión of 57 years old, Florida man, his girlfriend left him in October, but he began harassing her and stalking her. He would pass her home every day, duct tape, handwritten letters to her car's windshield.

And she also found Apple AirTags in her vehicle several times. And then he was threatening that he would do something better. So he's in jail, Miami Dade, held without bond. Mm hmm. Now this one. Hold up.

I want to this is actually I just think incredibly. This man is living in the future. Florida man was accused of posing as a drug cartel captive and extorting $80,000 from his wife, all to support his own drug habit. Yeah, a Melbourne, Florida man. He lied and pretended that he was kidnapped by drug cartels. And he extorted his own wife for $80,000 so he could go buy more drugs.

Yeah, Eric Paul Johnson, 29 years old. And his wife reported him missing. And then she said that she received messages from an unknown number demanding sums of money.

And they told her they that apparently were the Mexican cartel and we have your husband and she believed them. I'm just saying, as we move our partners, who helped bring you free radio, it's our friends over at Caltech, if you haven't checked out the new generation of the sub 2k, you definitely need to do so. It's a game changer. It's a nine millimeter carbine. And previously with the other iterations, you know, you take your optics off, you fold in half, you know, it's quickly easily stowed away. And you can also quickly and easily just as easily deploy it.

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Okay, I'm gonna switch gears here real quick. Why can you buy packages of funeral potatoes on Amazon? Yeah, you guys know what I'm talking about? They call it that. It's like, it's basically like a cheese and taty casserole. And they call it funeral potatoes. And they sell it like on Amazon. Like pre cooked.

Ready to go? Yeah. I do mine with like hash browns and taty chips. And I do people use what cornflakes? Yeah, he's cornflakes.

He has all kinds of stuff. It's it's it's a baked potato casserole is what it is. Some people they have it chunky. Some some some I've done it chunky. And I've also used chunks and crispy hash browns on top. And then with taty chips in that, uh huh.

Yeah, still, it's so not healthy. It's horrible. It's basically a starch dish entirely starch.

But my thing is, is that somebody sent this to me and was like, why is this on Amazon? And then I looked it up. And it's actually you can it's like the food side. What what?

Why? First off, they call it funeral potatoes. It's just a potato casserole. But they call it funeral potatoes. Because it's like a I guess the dish that, you know, everybody brings at the, you know, visitation potluck or something, you know, in the marketing meeting, they had to say, yeah, that the term funeral potatoes would sell more casserole than calling it potato casserole. Apparently made that decision.

Somebody had to make that decision. I mean, it's it's it's just potato casserole. But people are freaking out because they're like, oh, funeral potatoes. It's just it's just literally a it's a potato casserole. It's a cheesy taty casserole. It's all it is. It's not funeral. But but the fact that you buy a bag of it. You're a lie as a person. If you buy a bag of funeral potatoes, and you stuff it into like a Pyrex dish. That is a lie. Shh.

What in the there? It's like the easiest thing on God's green earth to make right? What if I just want potato casserole?

I don't want to go to funeral or anything. Yeah, then you just make it right. You just make it I mean, I have we have taty casserole and we were normal. So we call it potato casserole. I mean, my our families those aren't we call potato casserole. I don't know why it got the name funeral potatoes. Is that like a millennial or gen baby thing? I don't know.

What is it? I guess they took it to funerals. Well, yeah, but like, how did well, why did it get that name? It's been around forever. I've never been to like a funeral. You know, after the funeral, I've seen it.

Yeah, exactly. I've never not seen it there. Yeah, every time it's a potluck for church. You got that you got the green bean casserole. We should just call it potluck potatoes. Yeah, potluck potato. It's just potato casserole. Right. But I mean, it's just as valid. But think about it, though. Like, if you're gonna if you're no, you're going to a potluck.

What are these funeral potatoes? What? I don't know. Why does that strikes me so much?

It does. Okay, today in stupidity came. Well, it's our vice president. Kamala Harris. Oh, this is my favorite thing today so far ever. Her her speeches are like, potatoes. Alright, listen to what she says here.

And I have been fortunate and blessed during the course of being vice president, have many situations where it becomes clear to me that, yeah, there are, you know, people of every age and gender, by the way, who see something about being the first that lets them know they don't need to be limited by other people's limited. Oh, what is she saying? Vice President, everybody. I'm so confused. And now all of the news you would probably miss.

It's time for Dana's quick five. A swarm of bees halted the Indian Wells open tennis tournament in California. Apparently they appeared when went after the players, the umpire, the officials and some of the crowd. Everyone had to flee the scene. It was mass chaos. They were even all over the camera. That is actually funny.

I think it's funny. It was between Carlos Alvarez and Alexander Zevrev, and it had to be suspended. Thousands of bees invaded the court. Don't you have to get like the beekeepers out to deal with that, I think? This was in South Africa. Literally, it's a theme park called Crocodile Creek.

I'm already like, already my alarm is going off. A shocked crocodile handler almost lost his frankenbeans when a 15 foot croc bit him between the legs after he was after the man stupidly poked him with a stick in the enclosure. It's an old crocodile largest living reptile has the most powerful bite force in the world suddenly whipped his head around.

He didn't appreciate being poked with a stick for the enjoyment of tourists who were horrified by the way and began screaming as the giant croc kept the handler pin down. He did manage to stand and the beast with 64 teeth released allowing him to run to safety. But he f-a'd and then he f-o'd. He almost f-o'd all the way. So whoo, my goodness.

That's kind of Yeah. And then there was a dude who was swallowed by 13 foot croc. He was saved when his wife beat the thing over the head as it thrashed around trying to drown him at the South African fishing spot. That woman's your ride or die. Like that lady right there. She's gonna take on a croc for you.

She's your ride and die forever. Let's see NFL fans who went to the neck. Really? It was in the negatives. The Taylor Swift game. Sorry.

Sorry. I mean the football game with Taylor Swift there. Kansas City.

Apparently, the reports are coming out now that tons of football fans across Kansas City had to be treated for frostbite due to the 11 day cold snap at the beginning of the year. She Taylor Swift was in the million dollar multimillion dollar box. She wasn't out there with the with the pores. Come on. She went out there.

Let's see this. Oh, hundreds of pounds of pasta was mysteriously dumped in the woods in New Jersey. mounds of it. It was near a river basin in Old Bridge, New Jersey. Hundreds of pounds of cooked pasta were dumped in the area.

Their origins remain a mystery. One woman who ran for city council in the town of 66,000 posted images of it in a Facebook group. Thank the public for cleaning it up estimated that it was about 500 pounds. It is an absolute mess. But I mean, if it's biodegradable, do you really have to clean it up? I mean, is it bad? But they said that the they were talking about the waterways got to be cleaned up in the environment, etc. Some people thought it was funny, but I don't know, I really don't care. I've really it's past that's biodegradable to food, the bugs will eat it. Like let's like we have bigger things in life to care about.

Good night. Oh, new James Bond. Well, the rumor is is that the guy who was in bullet train, Aaron Taylor Johnson, is now that he's been formally offered the chance to play James Bond and that he the rumors that he may sign contracts within the week. I liked Idris Elba, but apparently the requirement was that you have to like essentially attach yourself to James Bond for 15 years.

So you have to have like that lifespan to be able to age within the role. And you know, Idris Elba is 51 years old. They're like, Oh, he's too old for a bond candidate. But he already ruled himself out because he was focusing on his crime drama Luther.

So Aaron Taylor Johnson, it looks like he's going to be James, but I think he would be a good James Bond, the director and the people behind it said it had to be a Brit. So we'll see. We have more on the way. Stick with us.

I promise this. The Psychological Association, ladies and gentlemen, they have a woke new dictionary. They are upset with some terms. Like you're killing it. Turn a blind eye.

Blue collar job. They say that they're microaggressions. Or offensive. You're not supposed to say your target population or take a shot at something or you're killing it.

Because it's a microaggression. So uh huh. So this is the American psychological woke dictionary.

Gosh, that sounds horrible, doesn't it? This is what they say now. Okay, so you're the term to avoid like you're killing it or you're nailing it. The inclusive phrase is great job or awesome.

And the reason? Violent. It's a violent phrase. Take a shot at, take your best shot, take a stab at. You can't say it anymore. Why?

Because it's violent. You're supposed to say give it a go or try. No one tell Pat Benatar. Don't tell Pat Benatar. You're not supposed to say, and here's where it gets super dumb. Stand up for like to advocate for something you can't say stand up for. What? Yeah, because it's ableist. Wait. It's ableist to the people who can't use legs to stand up because. But they can stand up with their voice. Why?

What are we doing with this? Yeah, that's, yeah, it's ableist. You're not allowed to say turn a blind eye to. Because that's ableist. Mm hmm.

You also can't say, wow, you look great. What? Yeah. Wait a minute. They actually now here's where I don't understand. I don't understand this. Boys, gents, young men, everybody. I need just the males to weigh in on this for a minute.

Okay, so this is what the American Psychological Association woke dictionary says. You can't say wow, you're looking great. Because they say that perpetuates weight stigma. What they encourage you to say instead is, is it alright if we talk about your weight? You tell me what's going to get you slapped faster. They're setting you up, dudes.

They're setting you up. Run. This isn't real.

This isn't real. You're not supposed to say obese. You're supposed to say higher weight. You can have Dana's woke dictionary, unwoke dictionary. Instead of saying obese, just say fat ass.

We actually should write one. Now that I think about it. Take you have to say higher weight.

It'll be worth it. Yeah. And you can't say have a blind spot for that's ableist. I don't understand the ableist thing. Some people can do stuff that others can't. I'm not like I had a friend who could bend her thumb all the way back to her arm.

Yeah, I couldn't. Is that? Is that ableist towards me? Yeah.

I feel like that meme where that dude holds a butterfly. Is that ableist? I don't know. You know what I mean?

Like if someone can run faster than you, is that ableist? I don't understand. I hate everything. These people.

I just makes me not like psychologists. Right? We should.

I think we're going to do that trademark. Yeah. That's some just Yeah, this is also dumb.

But the thing that gives me those the while you're looking great. They actually think you should say so right if we talk about your weight. Who do they do these people who write these things? Do they get out? You know, out of doors with other people and talk and have human interactions. Thanks for tuning in to today's edition of Dana lashes absurd truth podcast. If you haven't already made sure to hit that subscribe button on Apple podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.