Absurd Truth: Christmas Edition

Dana Lashes of Sir Truth Podcast sponsored by Kel-Tec.

It's his life mission to make bad decisions. It's time for Florida Man. Colorful underwear, people stealing wine, and an explosive smart toilet. That's what we have on deck today.

Yeah, I know all these things. So a robbery suspect. Police were able to catch him because of his very colorful underwear. A pair of multicolored briefs that peeked out above his trousers helped police arrest him a year later.

This is what the Fed said in New York, the Associated Press. It happened at a tobacco shop in Queens. Three masked men got out of a Mazda, entered the store according to the federal complaint. Two of the men, they pointed their guns at the employees and customers. The third robbed the cash register. But they spotted very colorful briefs in a large letter R in white in the year 1990 in yellow. And so a tipster passed the Instagram handle of the suspect with the colorful underwear and they and they found them they were selling they had sold the merchandise at another Queens location. And so they yeah, they they were able to get him because of his britches.

Because he's stupid. Yeah. Oh, man. Now, I don't know I watched the South Park episode where they had the Japanese toilets and I was like that looks so cool. And they they're really kind of there.

I mean, they're very interesting. This smart toilet apparently exploded while someone was using it not because someone was using it a this man may barely managed to get off his smart toilet with an intact backside. After smoke started coming out of the toilet bowl and the entire thing burst into flames.

The incident occurred on November 10. The man was using the toilet at first there was a smell smoke the plumes of white smoke started billowing from the bowl. It's like a witch's cauldron. And finally, just as the man got up from the toilet, it burst into flames.

He took photos he didn't even have time to put his shorts on but he did take photos. It is pretty wild. It was like all lit up. I mean, it literally looked like a Halloween decoration. Now they they think it was a short circuit that sparked the fire.

And they they didn't actually say what make this was I kind of would like to know what make it was but I mean it apparently I mean it it there was I guess it wasn't made properly or something but it blew up but that's that's kind of fascinating that just saying also let's see here. Oh, here's the one I wanted. A so I got two wine stories. There's one guy who stole I guess he's gonna have a party. He walked out of a Publix in Florida with 12 bottles of wine. Yeah, I love how this Publix is on fiddlesticks Boulevard in Fort Myers.

God love you Fort Myers. Tampa they're looking for they could catch him. How do you not catch a guy who steals 12 bottles of wine?

No joke, right? They're like if anybody sees him call Crime Stoppers what he entered a Publix and literally walked right out with 12 bottles of wine. So you could do it like that or you could do it like this chick. A Florida woman got mad because she demanded that a couple buy her wine. And then she took a wine bottle and allegedly used it as a weapon to hit a woman on the head and knocked her boyfriend out cold. Sanford Florida Angelique Glenn was arrested Thursday after a couple she was demanding a couple pay for her bottle of wine at a gas station. She said that Glenn placed her bottle of wine on the counter with her order and they didn't want to pay for it. She got mad threatened them.

So she's in custody. So I saw how do I say this? They have gay nutcrackers. Now Steve's response was that was a Tuesday.

And it took me a second. But they have those and they they have apparently gay Christmas decorations. I mean, how much of an annoying virtue signaler are you that you have to put some sort of tangible representation of how you feel about Christmas ornaments? So basically, you're celebrating the birth of a Savior with fornication. That's essentially what I am to understand out of this. That's correct, Kane, right? Yeah. Celebrating holiness with fornications like Scrinford Chastity guys doesn't make any sense. But I digress. Do you constantly have to tell people who you are all the time with everything?

What is the point of this? Does your blood type change? Do you have purple blood now?

Does something in you change because of your preferences in a private activity? Why do you have to have this all the time everywhere? The regular Nutcracker wasn't good enough. The regular Santa wasn't good enough. You couldn't just have regular ornaments. You got to have gay ornaments.

Yeah, I don't. I guess they put rainbows on it. They're like, look, tada.

Now it's gay. I don't know. I don't know.

They also I don't know how to address this one. Because it's so over the top. We're making fun of it. And there's a difference between making fun of something and criticizing it. We just think it's ridiculously hysterical. No pun intended. It is hysterical.

I mean, I just don't understand why. And I was looking on that they literally have a whole category of alphabet. They have alphabet Christmas decorations.

They have alphabet Christmas deals. LGBT. They don't have any Q on their riot. I mean, I don't understand this. Why?

Why does it? I don't understand inclusive of what of the gay community? So you're telling me that unless Santa is decked out like Liberace and rainbows, that he's hostile? I don't know about that. Is that what the claim is? I don't know.

I just if I was saying I ain't nobody be getting crap this year. We don't have dictionaries and Bibles because a lot of people need it. Are they saying that regular ornaments are hostile? Apparently they needed special gay ones. They didn't feel represented. You know, the reindeer with the red nose wasn't representative of how, you know, oh, man. Help me out here.

If Rudolph changed his gender, he could dominate all the female reindeer games. Right. Exactly. I just, I mean, when I get our Christmas ornaments, I have like we have my mom is one of those people who's like, you don't put ornaments on the train list. It's like a keepsake. And I'm like, all right. So all of ours, you know, mean something that the kids made them or it was from when we were kids, something like that. And I just can't, you know, I was looking at like a Santa.

He was used to being felt, but over the years, it just kind of worn off. But I just can't imagine looking at that and being thinking and going, you know, quietly whispering, why do you hate gay people? To my Santa ornament, you know, I put these ornaments up, but I think they hate to gays. So they have a whole rainbow section, but not to be outdone, because, you know, what's Christmas without exuberant virtue signaling from every single aspect of humanity?

There's a Santa on wheels. I don't care. I just think like, why was this necessary before? Did it really ever bother anybody before that there wasn't a Santa in a wheelchair?

No, it would make the story of him coming down the chimney a lot less believable. That's what I'm saying. I hate you. Can we not? This is your fault. Oh my gosh. I just I don't understand why the need to go that hardcore.

Right? I do see me out there like where's my Santa with guns? I gotta have my Santa with guns all over him. You know, I'm not out there demanding that. I'm not asking, you know, for like a dead reindeer slung over his shoulder and a hunting rifle over the other. I don't insist on a Mexican Santa.

Yeah, you don't have a sombrero Santa. That's right. Damn that. They hate you.

If it's not on the shelf, they hate you. Yep. It's what it is. It's oppression. It's what it is. Yeah, it's actual oppression.

Slavery, actually, because you don't have a sombrero. It's Hitlerism. Fascist. Completely.

Yeah. I just why the constant never-ending virtue. It's so cringe.

Stop it. You don't have to have rainbow everything. You don't have to have, I mean, it just because it seems contrived and it and it seems like it's put on. I mean, you're making cheap crap in China and slapping rainbows on it, you know, where they would kill you for being gay. And they're acting like that's like somehow supportive of the alphabet community. I mean, the irony is so insane.

And there are people who are just like, Oh, yeah, I love that. So I'm going to get my gay ornaments, get my gay ornaments at the targets. I don't know. I'm telling you what, Santa's just bringing everybody Bibles and dictionaries. It's all anybody gets this year. Martha Stewart says she's not doing turkey. She said she's turkey-ed out. She says that she's sick of cooking. She's done. She'd made 14 turkeys already for a TV show this year. She says she's turkey-ed out. Is that legal? No, arrest her.

Throw her back in, throw her back in jail. In my administration, I'd arrest her for throwing, for being turkey-ed out. You don't get to be turkey-ed out in America. By the way, you're a friendly reminder to put your turkey in your fridge. You're welcome.

Yeah, your frozen turkey, put it in your fridge. So I have some other serious news too, but I was completely distracted by the gay ornaments. Oh, and then, of course, you have the stories that are like, there's backlash from people about the gay ornaments. Do you think people are getting boycott fatigue? I don't necessarily boycott. I just don't want to be somewhere that's cringe in the event that it's catching.

I just don't go there just because it's gross or it's cringe or something. But I do wonder if people are getting boycott burnout, which you can't really. But for this stuff, it doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense to me. But the stories that have been written on this are, oh, there's backlash.

It's not backlash. People are making fun of it. If you can't make fun of yourself for this, then you're truly a shell of a human because it is hysterical. To have a whole section of gay ornaments is just hysterical. It is the most commercial thing I could ever think of.

It is hysterical and you should be laughing about it because it's funny. But they're like, there's backlash. No, we're like Target really is having one.

They really outdid themselves this year. That's what the that's what the response has been. Good grief.

And now all of the news you would probably miss. It's time for Dana's quick five. I got to immediately start with pumpkin the bear.

Hanson, I don't know where this is. Hanson police, WBZ news, say that pumpkin the bear is going to have to be euthanized after killing a goat. Is that not what bears do? I mean, it's a bear. Bears kill goats, right? They said the black bear has gotten a taste for livestock, killed a goat inside a barn Wednesday night.

Second time pumpkin has attacked livestock, said police, although the owners had an electric fence and reinforced barn doors. See, if you have to put down the bear, then why the hell do I got to carry bear spray? If I'm going into like Yosemite and I'm going into a park. Thank you. Thank you. Just saying the bear got his nickname in September after he was seen snacking on a pumpkin in a resident's yard. He's a big giant black bear. They said, unfortunately, he's becoming too comfortable in the area. It's not his fault.

And he's found too many food sources. He's going to have to be euthanized. You people are morons.

You are the dumbest people. You don't have to euthanize the damn bear. Put him in.

You know what? Like put him in a zoo. Put him in a zoo or like a nature reserve or relocate him or something like that. You don't got to kill him. He's a big fat black bear. Yes, he killed a goat because that's what bears eat.

Quit having bears food around him. I'm joking about that last part. Flexible work hours can make your heart 10 years younger. That doesn't make any sense to me.

What? I think, I don't know. I think this is weird. They said that flexible hours may reduce the risk of heart disease. I think that this has to do with like habits and patterns and behaviors less so with us. Don't you think so? Because nobody's stopping you from getting up and taking a little walk around the yard.

Nobody's stopping you from doing that. I don't know. Some of these studies are weird. Exploding marijuana-infused cider drinks were recalled in Michigan. It's called, I'm looking, I'm really confused by this whole drink because it sounds horrible. The can is called Armada.

It's Armada Cannabis Company, cannabis apple cider. You don't have to put cannabis on everything. Just like you don't have to put pumpkin spice in everything, right? You don't need pumpkin spice tires.

Your fridge doesn't need wi-fi. You don't need cannabis and everything. 15,000 cans of marijuana-infused cider drinks. That honestly, that sounds horrible. Cider should be not with that flavor in it. They said it's a single batch of Armada cannabis apple cider. They said they've been swelling and bursting. They said the reports have been from retailers, not from actual consumers.

The cans in question list January 2nd as an expiration date. You do not have to put cannabis in every single thing. I think people are going overboard with that, like the pumpkin spice stuff. I really do. I think there's way too much. Stop it.

You don't need to do all that. Let's see. The nation is at risk of winter blackouts as the power grid remains uncertain or remains under strain.

Yeah, it does remain under strain. This is why you need to get a generator. But more EVs?

Yeah, let's have more EVs. A cruise robo taxi dragged a pedestrian in San Francisco. Yeah, see in San Francisco, the cars drag you. It's one of the driverless cars.

The vehicle software mischaracterized where the robo taxi initially struck the woman, leading it to make the wrong decision. I won't even have a damn Roomba. I would never get it. I would never do this. Never stick with us.

We get a lot more in store whenever they unveil, right? The White House Christmas decorations and sidebar. I know some of you out there who are Republicans and who liked Trump hated Melania Trump's Christmas decorations.

I will fight you all day long. It was goth as all get out. I loved it. Those were the best Christmas decorations.

I'm not going to hear from nobody. They're like, Well, it's great. I don't know what I think about her that you know what they were cool and they weren't this hokey stuff that they put up in the White House.

Okay, right now I digress. So they unveiled you know how they have this big mantle in the White House. It's like in one of these reception areas. And what is it for two Christmases? The past two Christmases, they put up stockings for all of the Biden grandchildren. And so it's the theme. And the mantle reflects that the theme of the White House decorations is like the magic and wonder of Christmas.

I'm stupid. And they had all this stuff on the mantle as well. But missing from the mantle were those stockings, because they hung up six stockings. They have seven. But they have seven grandkids, but they only hung up six stockings. They had one stocking for each grandkid except for five year old little Navy.

That is Hunter Biden's daughter with that chick London Roberts. And so they the White House was asked about it, because they got they were ratioed online when they posted a picture when a picture came out of the mantle. And they just got they got dragged for it. And then they ended up taking them down.

It was so bad. And so they didn't even put any up this year. They would rather not put up any stockings of their grandkids than put up a stocking that has little Navy Jones, little Navy Jones name on it. These are on you. Screw you people. That is so evil.

That is so lame. You're a grandparent and you can't accept your son's daughter that he had on a wedlock with a dalliance this London Roberts lady who seems like she's doing a good job of raising her. And I think she had to say a bunch of nice stuff to the press in order to settle with Hunter, by the way, but that's another point. But she had a drag that that 50 something year old POS to court repeatedly to get him to pay child support and to get him to do his due diligence to the life that he helped create. And Joe and Jill can't even be prevailed upon to acknowledge her in the in the form of a stocking at Christmas.

What do they what does it cost them to have this little girl's name on a stocking and represented with all the other grandkids at Christmas? You're that's you know what I think for a woman to not acknowledge a grandchild you are cold hearted and I can't say it on air. And for the man to not do it.

I mean, Joe Biden, I'm good grief. You know, I that's just despicable. That's not a family man. That's not an alpha man.

That's not a patriarch. You're excusing your son and then you're refusing to acknowledge the life that he helped create. I don't care what party affiliation you are. I have zero respect for people who do that.

None. They are the lowest of the low, the scum of the earth for doing that. I mean, I call them white trash in the White House. I'm gonna tell you what, I have some white trash kin and they acknowledge everybody. The people in the White House, they don't. It's disgusting to me.

I had to get that off my chest because we were not going to prevent we're not going to push through any more in this show. I mean, how lame is it? What does it cost you to put your kid the grandkids name on a stocking? How much does that tell you about this family? They can't even do that much. So they don't have any stockings this year. They'd rather not have any of them. They'd rather not have any of them. No stockings at all.

Now what gives me? So they were asked about this. They were said, okay, so you're not going to have any stockings this year? The spokesperson said, quote, the family will be spending Christmas at Camp David and their family stockings will be there.

That's right. Whether you can't see him and take pictures and ratio them on social media, they're going to be there. The stockings. I wish the reporter would have followed up with, well, why aren't they on the mantle this year? Because they were for two previous years. Is it because they got dragged because they won't put Navy Jones name up there? Again, what is stopping them? I can't understand this. Do you any speculation can't give any I cannot understand this at all.

None. I want to know if that if Little Navy is going to be on that mantle. Oh, dude, you know, she's not. They take a photo of it. They'd virtue signal off.

It's so hardcore. That's so lame. So they just don't have any. They just they just don't have any.

They don't have her not up on that mantle. They don't have anything up at all. That's just so that's so dumb. But that's says everything that you need to know.

That's that's all it is. So they they got the Christmas they have a statues of the family's first pets that are terrifying looking. As you know, pet statues typically are. Otherwise, you know, it's Christmas decorations.

I mean, I just don't know why nobody's the media is not losing their mind on them. I mean, they have like a candy room and all this. I don't know. It just there. It looks basic. It just looks like basic stuff where I thought that Melania Trump's went. I thought hers was edgy and cool looking. But you know, what do I know?

I guess I just don't know me no Christmas decorations. Thanks for tuning in to today's edition of Dana Lashes absurd truth podcast. If you haven't already made sure to hit that subscribe button on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts.