This is Matt Rogers from Lost Culturalist. That's with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. This is Bo and Yang from Los Culturist with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. Hey Bowen, it's gift season! Ugh, stressing me out.
Why are the people I love so hard to shop for? Probably 'cause they only make boring gift guides that are totally uninspired. Except for the guide we made. In partnership with Marshalls, where premium gifts meet incredible value, it's giving gifts. With categories like best gifts for the mom whose idea of a sensible walking shoe is a stiletto.
Or best gifts for me that were so thoughtful I really shouldn't have. Check out the guide on marshalls.com and gift the good stuff at Marshalls. This is Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang from Los Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. JBL Tour Pro 3 earbuds are for those who don't conform to the standard. Yeah, I mean, if you want to get into some touchscreen technology, how about the smart charging case, clear sound?
These are not standard things. You're only going to get them with the JBL Tor Pro 3 baby. And I love the sound of JBL when it goes, ooh, boo. These earbuds are packed with innovation because you can't stand out by following others. Touch screen smart charging case for one touch control, instant EQ customization, true adaptive noise canceling, and the one-of-a-kind audio transmitter, which can plug and play with everything from Game consoles to in-flight entertainment.
What more could you want? Verse doesn't follow. Grab a pair at jbl.com. Dana Lash's Absurd Truth Podcast, sponsored by Keltech. It's his life mission to make bad decisions.
It's time for Florida Man. It has been way too long since well, it's been what, three days since we've had a story about a machete came. and Florida. Another Florida man arrested after a road rage incident ends in alleged machete threats. It is a little machete.
Yeah, it's it's twee. It was it but it was a wee machete. A Florida man's accused of threatening to kill three people with a small machete during a road rage. What is a small machete? Like, what's the regular size?
I think a small machete is like a big knife. What is a regular? Machete's a big actually what is the difference? Big sword-looking thing. And then a small machete would be like a big knife.
No. That's just a knife. Yeah, it's a big knife. I don't know. Apparently, is it less adapted to jungle tasks?
I don't know. So eighteen inches is the common regular average size of machetes. Then there's a short one that's between like ten and fourteen inches.
Okay, so that's where we're I just I don't know why I needed to know this. Anyway, so this dude got arrested because he was threatening to use his small machete to kill people on the road. Uh the guy, James Varner, He off Miami Beach allegedly followed a victim to their resident because I guess he was riding their bumper. followed the victim to the residence, approached the guy, yelling, and then headbutted him. Caused the fight between the two.
The family rushed out to break it up, and then he got a sh out a small machete from his vehicle and made verbal threats to kill everybody.
So he was taken in the county jail. What is wrong with you? People who get road rage, Unclench your cheeks. Yeah, the ones you stood on. Stop it.
Can't deal. Let's see. Oh, this is what I wanted. This is so bad. I don't like DoorDash.
I don't know why.
Well, I know a couple of reasons why, because sometimes they'll tell me someone's delivering my food at DoorDash and then an entirely different person in an entirely different car shows up. And I've reported it several times, and DoorDash doesn't care. They don't do anything. I think that's kind of a safety issue. Like, what if you're a single woman and you're ordering food and a big giant dude who is not the tiny woman that you thought was delivering your food shows up?
You know what I'm saying? This DoorDash driver was caught. He was delivering chicken wings, dropped the box on the porch. A chicken wing rolled out on the concrete. He put it back in the box, licked his fingers.
and then walked away. Didn't say nothing to the customers. I mean People know, right? Like that there's these doorbell cameras, and that's what this Florida customer, Trina Brown. She saw it on her her uh door uh video uh doorbell footage.
And the driver Was he was trying to get it out of the insulated bag, but then the thing all fell to the ground and he like put the lid back on, put the wing that that and the that fell on the concrete porch back in the box. And then uh that's it. That's so nasty. And she said, if it wasn't for the security footage, they would have never known that they're food. hit the ground.
You don't do wings like that. That is that's blasphemous. You don't do no chicken wings like that. That's so nasty. Our partners that help bring you the program.
It is the folks over at Keltech, K-E-L-T-E-C. They have a program that is called the Peacekeepers Program, and it supports those who protect our communities, military law enforcement, church security teams, and school resource officers. They have faith-based teams and SROs that usually rely on small concealable pistols that have pretty limited range and power. Keltech's long guns solve that problem, and they fold compact for discrete carry and deploy in seconds with full rifle capability.
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K-E-L-T-E-C-Weapons.com/slash Dana. This is Matt Rogers from Los Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. This is Bowen Yang from Los Culturistos with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. Hey, Bowen, it's gift season. Oh, stressing me out.
Why are all the people I love so hard to shop for? Like me? Exactly. Honey, I'm easy. But you're right.
Holiday gifting is stressful. And all the gift guides out there are boring and uninspired. Wait, what about the guide we made? A partnership with Marshalls, where premium gifts mean incredible value? It's giving gifts!
A series of guides filled with premium gifts at great value for everyone on your list. Yeah, because if I see one more for the dad who likes golf list, I'm out. Right? How about something for the people who actually surprise you? With categories like best gifts for the mom whose idea of a sensible walking shoe is a stiletto, pshwa.
Lots of pears stilettos. Or best gifts for me that were so thoughtful I really shouldn't have. Dying to see what those are. And you won't believe their prices. Just wait till you see what else is in there.
It's basically a one-stop shop for everyone you know. I started bookmarking half the list for myself, honestly. This is the guy for the 2025 holiday gifting season. Check out the guide on marshalls.com. It's giving gifts.
Gift the good stuff at Marshalls. Amazon Five-Star Theater presents real customer reviews performed by Ed Helms. Tonight's review: Tactical Jacket. Um that I was living a simple life. Didn't get out much.
Then I bought this jacket. and everything changed. Women came flocking to me from lands domestic and foreign. How about a motorcycle? Started hanging out with drug dealers.
but like rich ones. And we flew helicopters. I ended up taking down a communist regime with a band of rebels. On the 245-day sailboat voyage home, I was attacked by a shock. I knew it was the jacket he was after.
I tossed it. giving up the jacket. in exchange for my life. I'm alive today. But jacketless.
Um We'll buy this jacket again soon. Five stars. Amazon Customer 69. Thank you for listening to Amazon Five-Star Theater. Looking for unforgettable gifts this holiday season, like a jacket that becomes your whole personality?
Shop the perfect gift this holiday on Amazon. I genuinely thought this was the audition for the gingerbread Prince Day's Christmas in Nebraska. What? No, I mean that sounds like a fantastic movie, but you're an actual prince. Why would you want to be in one of those movies?
Well, you Americans are obsessed with Christmas movies, and you're clearly obsessed with royalty, so why not? I. Hold on, hold on. Look, look, I wouldn't say we're obsessed with royalty. Really?
I heard you elected a king. That's a fair point. No, he's he he he's got a point. And after making such a big deal about my great great great great great great grandfather George III. No.
Why is he doing this? This is, that's that whining, that's the whining ginger. Who is the spare? I thought he wanted a worldwide privacy tour. He's on with Colbert, of course.
It's probably the only late night host who would have him. And he's on with Colbert. He took jabs at Trump, obviously. And people booed him. They booed him.
Because it just, and it seemed very, I mean, it seemed contrived because it was. Welcome back to the program. Daniel Ash with you. He was on, why was he even on Colbert? Like, what did he have to promote?
I don't I 'Cause don't you normally go on those shows if you have something to promote? What did he have to promote? I don't know. Right? I didn't watch it because I don't watch late night television because I'm not 90,000 years old.
Neither are you guys. You guys don't watch it either. But he took a jab and he was like, Well, I heard you guys. Heard you guys, um elected a king or have a king. And then people started booing.
Is that how getting a king works? Yeah. He's not the sharpest. He's not the sharpest tool in the shed. He is a tool, though, but he's not the sharpest one.
You're left to the king. Yeah, and then he said, and you made such a great deal about my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather. Wow. Why is he on there? And also, why doesn't he?
I'm not trying to be ignorant, so please don't. but he made fun of his brother for balding, so I feel like it's fair game. If you're balding and you make fun of someone else who's balding, we all get to make fun of you for being bald. And Look, all I know is that them hair plugs, I think they do work. I have a friend whose brother legit went to Turkey and got hair plugs.
And now they work. And he's got hair. It's weird. I don't even know how that happens. Said it was super painful.
I mean, you know, I guess it, you know, you do you. But why doesn't he do that? Doesn't he have money? He's got daddy's money and he's got his mommy's trust fund that he lives off of. And then doesn't he also skim from, he pretends to be a philanthropist with everybody else's money.
So, see, with these organizations, what they do is they take big donations and they skim a percentage off the top for their pay, and then they donate other people's money and pretend that they're philanthropists, and that's what he does. That's a life, ain't it? You just skim a little off the top for yourself, and then you give other people's money away, and then you get awards for being a fake philanthropist. You don't see these people donating like the Dells do. the six some odd billion dollars.
They don't do any of that.
So I don't know why. He, I don't know why he was on with Colbert. This is what he was doing when they had the big state dinner. At um Windsor? The Windsor Castle or the Windsor Palace or whatever, they had the state dinner there and everyone was out.
In their regal finery, you know, tiaras were out, and they had, you know, it's fun watching that stuff. Although I'm so glad to be an American, I would never tolerate it here. But I like watching it over there. It looks pretty, right? It looks nice.
You know, the ladies dress like ladies, the gents dress like gents. Everybody observes nice, you know, courteous behavior. And then you got this, you know, balding, whining Ginger who's on Colbert. That was his big night.
Okay. And I just think that maybe Maybe, I don't know, he should stay home and spend more time with his kids instead of flying private all over the country to accept purchased awards. And maybe he could enroll his game show wife. Remember her? She's built like a literal rectangle.
Literally. Maybe he could enroll her in some cooking classes so she could, I don't know, maybe learn how to properly prepare food. And prioritize food over merching out jewelry.
So I saw an article, I think it was at the Post. where when she was doing that turkey, she was wearing six figures worth of jewelry. Getting salmonella all over that jewelry. Kane's eyebrows shot up to the stratosphere. I don't even own six figures worth of like anything like that.
I don't even have like a lot of. I mean, I have a couple of nice jewelry pieces, my wedding ring, and then one for my kids. And then, you know, a couple pairs of earrings, and that's it. Everything else, like y'all, y'all see me, the hoops I wear. Ladies, I get them on Amazon.
I ain't even kidding. They're made in Vietnam, and I paid $12.99 for them. Not even lying. You know, because I go through them, right? I've worn them for 20 years.
So that is a fact. That's absolute fact. Why are you wearing six figures of jewelry to stuff a turkey? That's so, she just wanted to show off and be like, look how rich I am now. That's all she wanted to do.
Nobody does that unless they're trying to show off. And she could tell she ain't even handled a turkey before. My gosh.
So, I just think that we fought a war not to listen to overentitled brats like this dude. He is not one of us. Do not come over here. Live off daddy's trust or your mommy's trust fund and your allowance from daddy, which he used to get. Can't even make his own money.
Now he rents himself out to do these corporate speeches. I don't know why anybody would listen to this guy give a corporate speech. The only thing that he ever won at was he won at genetics because he was born of his parents. That's it. He won the lottery the day he was born to those two people.
That's his only achievement, and it's not even anything that he did. Why would anybody bring him out to give a speech and lecture anything or her for that matter? My gosh.
It's just so cring-tastic. But we fought a war to not have somebody over here using their British titles and lecturing all of us about our politics.
So you're not one of us. You don't go here. We don't care. Be quiet or get the hell back over across the pond that I kinda think that they don't want you either. Ah.
Yeah. Can you believe getting all that salmonella all over? You're nasty, absolutely nasty.
So, as we head into the holidays, it's not just about gifts, it's about gratitude and protecting what really matters: family and the future, and your financial security. Colin Plume is the CEO at Noble Gold Investments. And I tell you, the market really opened my eyes as to how much can change in a year. I mean, think of it: the market changes fast, the economy, even your own job.
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It's about long-term value and peace of mind, not chasing deals. And so, that's why you need to check out Noble Gold. Before you check out for the holidays, though, visit noblegoldinvestments.com. Slash Dana and download their free gold and silver guide. Open a qualified account and get 10 silver holiday coins.
Visit noblegoldinvestments.com/slash Dana. That's noblegoldinvestments.com/slash Dana. This is Matt Rogers from Los Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. This is Bowen Yang from Los Culturistos with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. Hey, Bowen, it's gift season.
Ugh, stressing me out. Why are all the people I love so hard to shop for? Like me? Exactly. Honey, I'm easy.
But you're right. Holiday gifting is stressful. And all the gift guides out there are boring and uninspired. Wait, what about the guide we made? In partnership with Marshalls, where premium gifts mean incredible value?
It's giving gifts! A series of guides filled with premium gifts at great value for everyone on your list. Yeah, because if I see one more for the dad who likes golf list, I'm out. Right? How about something for the people who actually surprise you?
With categories like best gifts for the mom whose idea of a sensible walking shoe is a stiletto, ps, she wants a pair of stilettos. Or best gifts for me that were so thoughtful, I really shouldn't have. Dying to see what those are. And you won't believe their prices. Just wait till you see what else is in there.
It's basically a one-stop shop for everyone you know. I started bookmarking half the list for myself, honestly. This is the guide for the 2025 holiday gifting season. Check out the guide on marshalls.com. It's giving gifts.
Gift the good stuff at Marshalls. Amazon Five-Star Theater presents real customer reviews performed by Ed Helms. Tonight's review: Tactical Jacket. Um That I was living a simple life. Didn't get out much.
Then I bought this jacket. and everything changed. Women came flocking to me from lands domestic and foreign. About a motorcycle. started hanging out with drug dealers.
but like rich ones. And we flew helicopters. I ended up taking down a communist regime with a band of rebels. On the 245-day sailboat voyage home, I was attacked by a shark. I knew it was the jacket he was after.
I tossed it. giving up the jacket. in exchange for my life. I'm alive today. But jacketless.
Um We'll buy this jacket again soon. Five stars. Amazon customer 69. Thank you for listening to Amazon Five-Star Theater. Looking for unforgettable gifts this holiday season, like a jacket that becomes your whole personality?
Shop the perfect gift this holiday on Amazon. And now, all of the news you would probably miss. It's time for Dana's Quick Five.
So we were talking about the J6 stuff.
Now, I can't believe this. Women are dropping thousands of pounds. Of dollars. It's a British publication. They're saying there are thousands of dollars.
It's a startup Daily Mail, it's like New York Post, too. On rib removal surgery.
So now they're saying the fat jab body is coming in. You know, you can just like watch portion control and exercise. Although I do understand that there are some people that, you know, they have diabetes and all that. I get that. But I don't understand, like, just how we had the body positivity thing.
You don't wanna go back to heroin chic. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's just, can you just be fit for crying out loud? But they said that now, apparently, some women who are already thin aren't that, they don't think they're thin enough. I feel like they have anorexia.
If you're taking your ribs out. That's body dysmorphia. It's kind of transi. I'm saying it is. I think that there's different forms of body dysmorphia.
I think trans is one of them, honestly. I think this is too. They said. It creates the extra cinched look. What doctor does this?
What doctor, because these women that are doing this, they're already thin. They show then your post as photos. Whoa, what doctor's doing this? The story also says that Ozempic's risky, as though removing the ribs isn't. Yeah, exactly.
Well, both of them. I mean, you know, good night. Let's see. Oh, here we go. It's football, Dana Worth Sports.
NFL on CBS shatters the record for the most watched regular season game in NFL history with more than 57 million viewers.
Okay. I mean, it's over Thanksgiving. It was a captive audience. It was Cowboys Chiefs. I mean, I'm not surprised to see this at all.
That's when the sweatpants come out. Like your fancy, your nice Thanksgiving top stays on. Men and women, this is universal, but then the sweatpants come out, right? Or some of y'all are like real smart in advance of your Christmas meals and Thanksgiving and all that, and y'all wear the waistband pants, like the pull-on pants.
Some of y'all are smart. Let's see here. We also, ooh, a new doc. This I'm fascinated by. A new documentary claims that Bush41.
had made contact. that was informed that we had made contact with aliens. Is this true? I would love for this to be true. It's probably true.
I mean, it's going to go ahead and it is reported, so it might as well be. They said that it's a new documentary, and it's astrophysicist Eric Davis, who says that George H.W. Bush casually confirmed to him that aliens made contact back in 1964. Apparently, a spaceship landed at Holloman Air Force Base and a non-human entity hopped out and was like, Sup? And then jutted off back into space.
I really don't think it would have gone like that. And then when Bush asked for more details, he was told that he did not have a need to know. Wasn't he a head of CIA then? Who's above the head of CIA? You know, when Mike Pompeo was head of CIA, that was the first question we asked him when he was on air with us.
What's up the mailions? And he was not going to answer me. Which meant, Kane, it was not a hard no, just saying.
So it's apparently on Amazon Prime, which I'm immediately going to watch. I'm going to probably watch it tonight. I'm not going to lie to you. Probably, I'll clear my schedule. Probably won't get any work done because I'm going to watch it.
And also, we've got to talk about this later. American Eagle shares jumped.
Now Martha Stewart was named the new face of the brand. They're going to go after her too. Stick with us.
So this is my first question, and don't laugh. Does the DOW have any evidence at all of a French military plot to assassinate Candace Owens? That is an interesting question. Not that I'm aware of, but, you know, interesting question. I can try to find out and maybe let you know.
I think that might be more of a law enforcement matter, though. And um it's Kfabe. Completely. Welcome back to the program. Dana Lash with you.
We're at the bottom of the second hour. What a crazy thing. The Pentagon Press Secretary is like, yeah, no, that didn't happen. I didn't want to like get into all of that. I hate talking about K-Fabe actors.
And just a reminder: you know, Owens literally was a hardcore progressive up until 2016. She was a protege of Al Sharpton, and she doxxed conservatives online. You don't just immediately flip like that with no explanation as to why. It's very weird. I just think that she just chases the money.
One of my friends, Kiera Davis, was like warning people about this forever. And She got some pretty harsh criticism in the very beginning. I think you remember some of that, Kane. She got a lot of harsh criticism for that, but she was right. I mean, other people, you know, Sonny Johnson, you know, a lot of other conservatives who've been around for a long time are like, yeah, no, no, no, this is a grift.
But the reason I bring it up is because that's the stupidest story ever that I've ever heard. It's all total Kfabe. It's all it is. Her whole thing is K-fabe. All right, what's Kayfabe?
That's the B fake. Is that what that is? It's like the fake Latin for B fake. I don't want to hear from wrestling people. It's the fake wrestling drama.
Oh, okay. You know what Kayfabe is because you like wrestling. Right? Well, I know that it's like I looked at it.
So it's in like WWE. And it's like the It's the acting and presenting the matches is real.
Okay. Like it's all like you buy into the reality of all of that, and it's Kfabe. That's what it is.
Okay. So. This is political KFAB. That's exactly what it is. The reason I bring it up is, and I haven't talked a lot about it because I don't like slumming it and I'm not going to debase myself and debase this program by punching down and doing all that and engaging in this stupidity.
But TPUSA addressed it yesterday. And Because she was basically accusing the whole entire organization of being complicit. I just think it sounds like she had an unrequited crush. On Charlie Kirk, and was scorned that he didn't return her affections. That's what it comes off as.
Because some of the stuff that she says about his widow is really petty and catty. And Chicks know cattiness. Dudes, it flies over your head, and that's not because you're dumb. It's just because you're not petty. Dudes are not petty.
It is like dudes have other skills, right? You guys can fix stuff. Women are petty. That's a skill we got.
Sometimes dudes can be that way too, but it's very rare. It's like a unicorn, right? It's very rare. Or it doesn't exist. But It's just um You know, the stuff that's been said is insane.
And I don't know how deeply I want to get involved in this, like I said, because it just. It feels cheap. And there's so many other important things to talk about, like actually important things. But I think this is an organization that actually moves the needle. And she doesn't.
I mean, sorry, but just sitting and screaming into a microphone without doing anything else to help propel the movement isn't a contribution. It's not. There's tons of people every day that talk into microphones, you know. Uh ton tons of people every day. And you just can't keep up coming up with conspiracy theory after conspiracy theory and offering zero proof.
You know, at first we were supposed to believe that some Egyptian plane was trailing Erica Kirk and all this other stuff, and it's just asinine. And I feel bad for her having to deal with this while also. Going to the holiday season, mind you, dealing with this with two little kids. An organization that she's now running, and then all of this stuff in the press. And it's all because I think Owens just wants to make money.
You can see it with Taco Carlson's videos. The videos where he talks to normal people about normal things, they get no views. Like maybe a thousand here or there. The stuff that is crazy and over-the-top conspiratorial gets tons of views. And it's not because people find it influential, it's because they like the car wreck.
People, that's why they watch cops. That's why people watch reality television. It's the attraction of the circus. They like watching things that are crazier than they are. It makes them feel better about their lives, right?
Or they just find it entertaining. It's not that it's influential, and I think it's incredibly. I think it's a sign of low IQ to misinterpret that as influence. You have an organization, as I said, that actually does move the needle. And you have Kayfe backers who don't.
That just want the clicks and they want the money and they want a share of the digital economy. You know, we had a meeting about this just yesterday. One of the things that I've routinely refused to do on this program. Is debase myself and debase this program and engage in conspiratorial BS. And I also, you know, a lot of the, a lot of these conservatives now and podcasters, and some of them are big names.
that are just now pretending that they see this. It's not that they just now saw that Owens was nuts. It's that they're a bunch of pansy ass cowards who were too afraid to say anything earlier. There were a lot of other very brave conservatives out there talking it up and saying, look, this is what's up and this is what we know. And these people tried playing both sides of it for a long time.
And they wanted to cover their asses because they were too terrified of losing a slice of that digital pie than to respect you enough to be honest with you. That's what this is all about and they think you're too stupid to notice. These people aren't operatives. Most of them are newsreaders.
So yeah. I just find it interesting now that a lot of people are like, wow, who knew? That she, everybody did. But a lot of the people in the conservative sphere are a bunch of female copulatory organs. And they lack the spine to say so.
I mean, I'm not going to name names, but you know who they are. And I have no problem saying it to their blankened face. That being said. This uh Apparently they're going to have a debate. What is there to debate?
They're going to have a debate about all this stuff. What is there to debate? And of course she loves it because it's attention for her. You know, she can, you know, make money in her gay husband with the, you know. Oh, sorry.
Do we're not supposed to say that out loud? Uh Can go, he's never going to inherit his daddy's title. That was a grace in favor thing. Never going to happen. But I'm just saying, so they can make money and they can hire interior designers like David Netto and do all this stuff.
That's what they do. They have their mansions and they hire these like multi-million dollar interior designers. It's all about the grift, guys. It's all about the grift.
So there you go. Thanks for tuning in to today's edition of Dana Lash's Absurd Truth Podcast. If you haven't already, make sure to hit that subscribe button on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is Matt Rogers from Los Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. This is Bowen Yang from Los Culturalistos with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang.
Hey, Bowen, it's gift season. Oh, stressing me out. Why are the people I love so hard to shop for? Probably because they only make boring gift guides that are totally uninspired. Except for the guide we made.
In partnership with Marshalls, where premium gifts meet incredible value, it's giving gifts! With categories like best gifts for the mom whose idea of a sensible walking shoe is a stiletto. Or best gifts for me that were so thoughtful I really shouldn't have. Check out the guide on marshalls.com and gift the good stuff at Marshalls. This time of year, most of us are checking off our holiday gift lists.
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