Dear Gary - December

I'm calling because I find myself in a very big predicament.

Is there any hope for abusers? He has come to us and told us that he is gay. If I wasn't that perfect mom, what can I do and how can I apply that advice today? Welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" . Today, our final broadcast of 2023 as we take your calls and questions for this trusted author and pastor. And remember, if you'd like to ask Dr. Chapman a question in the new year, our number is 1-866-424-GARY.

That's 1-866-424-4279. Today as we are on the cusp of 2024 and all that is ahead of us, it's time to take stock of relationships. Not a bad thing to do here at the end of the year. But Gary, I want to hit the rewind button for you personally because at the end of November, beginning of December, you spoke at a funeral of a friend and we were talking after the program one day.

This really hit you hard. Would you take us into that situation that happened? Yeah, Chris, this is a friend that I've had since 1972. He is from Pennsylvania and had graduated from Penn State and moved to North Carolina for a job. And I was just leading our college ministry in those years. And he and his wife volunteered to help me in that ministry.

And that was where our friendship began. And for 10 years on Sunday mornings, he and his wife were down there doing refreshments and all for the college kids and also interfacing with them, you know, before and after the meetings. And in every year, he and I would go to Wake Forest University and knock on the door, the dorm door of every male, every guy at Wake Forest freshman and give them a little card about our class and about the meeting at my house on Friday nights for 10 years.

We had open house for college students. And so we just walked through that. And he was so active as the years went on. He began to teach a class, a Bible class at our church on Sunday mornings. And he was involved in a prayer group that met once a week on Monday afternoons and prayed for the city, our city. And he was involved in the music ministry.

I mean, I could just go on and on all the things he was involved in and how close we were. And then he had taken his car, his truck, to a tire place to have some tires put on and he was going to walk home. And it was only, I don't know, six blocks from where he lived. So it was not unusual. But he started to cross the street and a lady who was driving a car hit him and essentially killed him. I mean, they kept him on life support for a few days, but he never came back.

What happened from her side, and obviously we felt very sorry for her, she said the sun was just blinding her and she didn't see him. And the man who was in the car behind her affirmed that. He said it was just brilliant, right in our eyes. But at any rate, on the Sunday morning when I got up after that, I was having my time with God. And I just felt deeply impressed that I should attend the Bible Fellowship class that he taught every Sunday morning at 10 30 and just sit with the people.

And the thought that the word that came to my mind was, why don't you go weep with those who weep? Because I knew his class. You must experience a lot of sorrow because I deeply loved him because he taught in the class and out of the class.

I walked up there that morning and I got there right at 10 30 and they were just getting ready to begin the class. And someone said, well, Dr. Chapman, welcome. Would you like to say something to us?

I said, no, I just came to weep with those who weep. And I said, I just want to sit here with you. And they said, well, thank you. And so they said, well, let's just start sharing class, our thoughts and our feelings.

And I sat there for a little over an hour. And I think everybody in the class spoke and there was about 40 people, at least 40 people in the class, and just shared, you know, memories of the ways they had interfaced with him and how they appreciated him and, you know, the sorrow that they felt. But also the reality that we sorrow not as those who have no hope because we knew he was with Christ.

In fact, one of those class members said, yeah, I think it was two weeks ago that Stan stood here in front of us. And in the context of whatever he was teaching, he said with tears come into his eyes, he said, I just want to see Jesus. And he said, those words came back to me when I heard that he was killed. You know, I don't know if that was a prayer of his heart or not, but that's certainly what happened. He's with Jesus, you know. So that funeral service, I shared, you know, some of those things, told the folks what I'd done and just shared some of those things.

And it was just a really, really heart moving service for so many people because he had just befriended so many people. And, you know, here today, Chris, looking back on an old year and looking forward to a new year, I know there are many of our listeners that have lost, you know, loved ones to death over this past year. And in this kind of season, the Christmas, New Year season, we reflect on that, you know, and there's that sense of sorrow is there because we can't call them. We can't go see them.

We can't go do things with them. You know, I'd just like to encourage our listeners who've gone through that this year. Yes, it's okay to grieve. Whether it's been a year or longer, it's okay to grieve. But we're not grieving as though we have no hope if that person knew Jesus Christ. If they didn't or we weren't sure about it, we just have to commit them to God because God knows their heart.

He knows whether they were in his family or not, you know. So, yeah, that was a very meaningful and very emotional experience for me, Chris. In my mind, I'm picturing you two in the 1970s with bell-bottom jeans and whatever you're wearing like, you know, knocking on the door at Wake Forest. Those folks, those guys that had no idea it was Gary Chapman was out there, they might have woken up. But just the friendship and the camaraderie that you had and then how suddenly it was over for your friend, Stan, and here we are. And I think you're right. There are people who are listening right now and you're reading my email.

This is exactly what we've gone through with a friend or family member for us. And so, I think Ecclesiastes, Solomon talks about, it's better to go to a house of mourning than a house of feasting, you know, to realize that this is our, everybody's destiny and it goes very, very quickly. That's what Billy Graham said. What's the most surprising thing for you? And he said, the brevity of life.

It's just so short when you look back on it, right? Yeah, absolutely, Chris. One of the things I did toward the end of that service, I said, yeah, I just want to say a word to us. And I gave a couple of words into us, you know, one was what I've already shared, that we don't sorrow as those who have no hope. But the other is that little word in James, you know, when James said, it's okay to have plans for the future for the next year, but just realize life is a vapor, which is what you just said. And he said, we know not what a day will bring forth.

And I said, I'm sure Stan did not get up that morning thinking I'm going to be hit by a car and killed today, you know. But the reality is, we do not know what a day will bring forth. Therefore, we should be using every single day to do the things that we believe God has in mind for us that day.

Don't put them off, you know. It's okay to have plans for the future, yes, but just realize we don't know what will happen today. So we should always be ready in our relationship with God, first of all, and I gave the gospel and shared for those that didn't know him, today's the day of salvation, you know. But for those of us who are Christians, this is the day the Lord has given us.

So let's use it in a positive way to impact others for God. Our program is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, and this is our Dear Gary broadcast for December, our last program of 2023. Happy New Year from all of us at Building Relationships and Moody Radio. If you have a question, call our number 1-866-424-GARY. This is not a counseling line, we can't call you back, but if you'll keep your question as brief as possible, we'll try to address it here on the program. So call today and leave your message at 1-866-424-GARY. Our featured resource is Extraordinary Grace, How the Unlikely Lineage of Jesus Reveals God's Amazing Love.

Find out more at buildingrelationships.us. All right, Gary, let's go to the phones. Let's begin with a question from a single man about a relationship breakup. Hi, Gary.

I'm calling because I find myself in a very big predicament. I've been with my girlfriend for almost four and a half years. The first one and a half, two years was great, you know. I guess I really just started like coasting and in return I ended up like neglecting her needs. I know she had brought up to me a few times how she had wanted me to compliment her more and she would have liked to like, you know, spend more time together, cuddling, all of that. And I would do it every time she brought up, I'd do it, but I'd struggle with the consistency. And now she's told me that she's broken up with me and I don't want this to end. I really love and care about her and I've been struggling with what I should do to, if I should continue to to try, you know, maybe try and commit to doing these things that she loves, how she wants to be loved, or I guess what do I do? So I just was wondering if there's any way I could get some advice or some counseling.

Thank you. Well, first of all, let me say that I'm empathetic with this caller because you're taking me way back when my first girlfriend, after dating her three years, broke up with me. I remember the pain and I remember praying, oh God, change her mind, change her mind. And I remember writing her a letter trying to convince her that she needed to change her mind and just kind of help God out a little bit, you know. In retrospect, on this side, looking back, I'm glad God did not answer that prayer or I would not have been married to my present wife, whom I've been married to for 62 years. Okay, so I guess what I'm saying is it's certainly fine to pray, you know, to ask God to give you wisdom on whether you should continue to pursue, you know, the possibility of restoring the relationship or not. But keep in mind, you can't change, you can't make her change her mind.

If she affirms that the relationship's over and she doesn't want to continue, then we have to come to accept that. And I remember when I said to God, Lord, you know, I was at Moody Bible Institute when this happened. She wrote me a Dear John letter when I went off to Moody. And I said, oh God, I'm having trouble studying. I'm here to study and learn. And I'm having trouble studying.

I'm so torn up about this. And I said, I'm asking you to give me peace about it, you know. I've done everything I know to do, so give me peace about it and let me focus on the things that you've called me here to do. So I guess I'm saying don't let the pain and the suffering that you're feeling keep you from being active in the job that you have, if indeed you have a job. And in the ministry that you have, if you're involved with other people in the church or a study group, continue those things because God wants you to use every day to walk with Him and to be His instrument for helping and serving others. So continue along those lines, even with the sense of loss that you have. And who knows, I mean, God may change your mind, but if not, God has a plan for your life. The other thing that it sounds like that He's doing is looking back with some regret that I wish I'd done this, wish I'd done that. This is a good opportunity not to blame yourself, you know, and to go that direction, but to say, boy, there are ways here that I really can grow if this person comes back or in another relationship. And that's a good process to go through. Yeah, absolutely, Chris. And, you know, apparently it seems to me he was not consistently speaking her love language, and that's when I don't know if he understood the love language concept or not, but that's essential in a good relationship.

And so, you know, getting that, learning that concept that we have different love languages and we want to be consistent in speaking love to the other person in a way that's meaningful to them. If you'd like to ask Dr. Chapman a question for a future program in 2024, call 866-424-GARY. Leave your message, turn down any noise in the background, you know, the radio or anything else that's going on. If you're in the car, pull over, make it real quiet.

We only want to hear the birds chirping outside. Call 866-424-GARY. Next up is a parent who wants to love her son, she just doesn't know how.

Hi, Gary. My question is, we have an adult child. He's just about to turn 20. He does still live in our home.

He is going to college full time and working full time. He has come to us and told us that he is gay. And he would like us to allow his new friend to come over. And we are really torn on that. Of course, he knows that we believe what the Bible says about homosexuality. We love him and have made no bones about that, but that it is wrong in the eyes of the Lord. We're just wondering how to handle this situation with, you know, allowing whether or not to allow this person to come over. Is it, do we love them, you know, trying to show Jesus's love and love them both, even though, you know, we can make it clear we don't agree? Or is that condoning the relationship that we don't agree with? Well, Chris, this is a question that a lot of parents have been asking in recent years, since the practice of homosexuality has become more overt in our culture.

And it's something that they try to wrestle with, exactly what she's wrestling with. Do we spend time with this other person? Do we allow them to come into our home? Do we let them celebrate things with us that we would normally celebrate with our son? Or do we say, you know, this is wrong, we cannot condone this, and so we can't allow you to bring him here? It's a very real question, and I think many sincere Christians come out at different places on this. You know, there are some that are just staunchly saying, no, you cannot bring somebody here because we don't believe in this and da-da-da-da-da.

And I understand that, and on the other hand, there are those who take the other approach she was talking about, and just say, you know, you already know that we certainly cannot condone this. We do not believe this is biblical, and share that perspective with them. At the same time, we know that God loves everybody, and he loves you, and he loves this person. And we want to be his instruments in communicating to you, we love you even though what you're doing we believe is wrong, and not pleasing God. And we want to love this other person because they need to know Christ.

They need to have a relationship with God, and they take that approach. I'm not going to say which one is right or wrong. I can say that I lean toward the latter, and that is loving them in spite of the fact that they're not doing what we believe the Scriptures teach clearly that we should not be doing. So I hope the listener and others who are in that situation are hearing my heart.

Either approach, I understand. I just kind of lean toward the feeling that God wants us to love people even when they're doing wrong. As long as we communicate to them, you know, that message, we love you in spite of the fact that we don't agree with what you're doing.

And there are some who will—here's the number, call 868—there are some who will say, well, you're going soft on biblical truth, and you're going—but I hear exactly what you're saying. Your heart, especially if these two have, you know, some kind of a long-term relationship together, and I think of the different people who have struggled with homosexuality that I've known, some who are very upfront, Christopher Ewan, Rosaria Butterfield, and it's the people who reached out to them not after they'd converted, you know, not after they became believers, but when they were in the middle of, you know, their struggle and they didn't even know they were struggling, when they were in the middle of it, they just loved them and showed hospitality to them. Yeah, I think it's the love of God that draws people to himself, and we're God's instruments to love the unlovely, because, look, God loved us while we were sinners and sent Christ to die for us, so he's our model. So I think we can proclaim the truth and stand for biblical truth and still be God's instruments for loving those who are not walking with God. But if you do draw the line in the sand and say, no, you're not bringing him here or bringing her here, and you draw that line in the sand, the question that I have is, can you do that and still show love to that son or daughter who's gone through this? What do they see other than the line in the sand and you don't like who I love? How do you still convey love while having that conviction? Well, I think, Chris, that would depend somewhat on their love language. You know, we want them to know, to feel that we love them, and so whatever their love language is, we can certainly seek to speak that love language, even in the midst of our taking that particular stand, that we're not going to allow them to be here in our house and we're not going to associate with them.

We can still take that stand and love our child. Well, that is a really, really tough question, and I'm glad that we were able to spend some time on that here. If you want to ask a question, Dr. Chapman, 866-424-GARY, or respond to something that comes up on the program today, 1-866-424-GARY. Over the past couple of years, I've noticed one word that's come up again and again and again, narcissist or narcissism. That's part of our next caller's question.

Hi, Gary. My question is, how does a Christian walk out honoring their parents when one of your parents is a narcissist, particularly my father? I find myself not wanting to be around him. I work full-time and a part-time job.

I'm tired a lot. He's married in another city with a wife, but insists on coming, even though I'm not his only child. He has other children that he doesn't have a great relationship with that could spend time with him if he wanted to.

But it seems like the bulk of it kind of rests on us, my sister and I here. The problem with him coming is that he soaks up all of your time. No matter who's there, he is very comparison. It's just not a pleasant time when he comes.

I find myself, the older I get, wanting to distance myself more, but still knowing that God says that we should honor our parents. But, you know, he doesn't tell the truth. He makes up all kinds of crazy stories that are not true. So that's just my question on honoring when you have a narcissist as a parent.

Thank you. Well, let's face it. What she's describing is all too common in our day that adult children are having problems of one sort or another with their parents. And narcissism is one of those issues. When a person is so self-centered, nothing else matters except them and their ideas. And, you know, as you said, he's just all pervasive in terms of taking over.

And no matter what's going on, it's all about him. It's very difficult. So I'm empathetic with this scholar. I think we have to reckon with, however, what are our options. You know, we can cut them off totally.

I mean, there's one option, of course. I don't think that's the best option, but we can just say, you know, Dad, I can't have any more than anything to do with you because... And we can have a fractured relationship until he dies or we die. But I don't see that as the best option because it's only as we have contact with a person that we have any opportunity to have a positive influence on them. Now, I know after she's had him in her home for many, many times, she feels like she's not having a positive influence on him. But the fact that he chooses to come to see her and her sister and not his other children indicate that he feels comfortable or more accepted by them, more affirmed by them than they do the others.

So apparently, she is having a positive influence on his life. Now, that's okay. It's okay to say at times, Dad, I can't, we can't have you come this weekend because we've got... And we can't, we wouldn't have any time to be with you. It's okay to do that. I mean, you don't have to have them every time they want to come, he and his wife.

I'm assuming his wife comes with him. At the same time, I would not cut him off totally. I would just recognize it's a very difficult time when he's here, but I'm going to try to treat him with respect even though he may not from the human perspective deserve respect. I'm going to choose to do that because he gave me life. So I think we can honor our parents even though we're not necessarily feeling positive toward them.

Yeah. Or, because you gave the example of there's a schedule conflict, can't do it this time. I think it's okay if she just feels, you know what, I can't do Dad this Saturday. I just can't, I don't have it in the emotional love tank to be able to withstand that and to be able to say to him, Dad, this Saturday is not going to work out.

I'm sorry. Let's work on something later down the road. Do you agree with that? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Because your own health, your own mental emotional health is important. And so, yeah, if you just feel totally overwhelmed and feel like if he came this weekend, I think I would just fall apart.

Well, no, it's fine to take that approach. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, New York Times bestselling author of "The 5 Love Languages" . You can find simple ways to strengthen your relationships at buildingrelationships.us. Plus find out about our featured resource, Dr. Chapman's book, Extraordinary Grace, How the Unlikely Lineage of Jesus Reveals God's Amazing Love.

Just go to buildingrelationships.us. She loves him, but there's a pattern of abuse. Is there hope for change? Here's our next caller.

Hi. My husband grew up in a toxic environment, and there's things in his past that have had a negative impact on his life. His father was an alcoholic and an abuser. He is saved and so am I, but he's back slid for almost 40 years. I wonder, is there any hope for abusers to have a healthy, happy whole marriage? If yes, do you know of any case studies where the abuser turns his life around and God has restored their marriage once again? Thank you.

Bye. Well, that's a good question. I think that anyone who's ever lived with an abusive husband will identify with this caller. We hope that they're going to change, and yet month after month, year after year, the pattern continues. I think for an abuser to change, there has to be a couple of things involved. One, we have to come to the place where we apply what I call tough love. You know, speaking a person's love language is a way to express love to them, and that's fine to do that.

We should do that. Even when we don't feel love for them, we can still speak their love language and communicate to them, and they can feel love by us. But having done that over a period of time, I think there's a place to say, I don't know how you feel about us and where we are, but, you know, we've talked about this and your abuse of me and the children. Again, depending on how long this has gone on, you cannot discontinue to go like that.

He will not change as long as his behavior is accepted or allowed. So there comes a place to say, I love you too much to continue to let you abuse me and the children, and so I'm going to move in with my mother, or I'm going to do whatever plan you have. Now, I suggest that you talk with a pastor or counselor or somebody or a close friend and let them walk with you through this.

Don't try to do this by yourself. Have somebody that you can talk with as you process this. But it's tough love often that causes that person to recognize they've got a problem and they've got to find help. So I would say when you get ready to do tough love, give them the name of a Christian counselor.

Give them the address, the phone number. Tell them, I'm not abandoning you. It's just I love you too much to help you continue what you're doing.

So here's the name of a counselor. If you are willing to go for counseling and get help with this problem, then I'm willing to go with you to a marriage counselor and see what we can do to restore our marriage. But I love you too much to sit here and do nothing and just accept what's been happening. That kind of love is true love. It's tough love, but it's true love. And it's most effective if it's followed a series or a time in which you are speaking their love language.

Because when you are speaking their language and then you take this approach, they realize they're about to lose somebody who's been loving them, even though they don't deserve that kind of love. So tough love sometimes is the only way to challenge them to reach out for help. But yes, there can be changed.

God can change any personality pattern that needs to be changed when that person turns to him for help. And I hasten to say on that, she didn't mention what type of abuse that she had gone through in this time. But if there's somebody listening who is being physically abused, if you're the spouse being physically abused or children are being abused, that's the red flag to say, I can do the tough love at some point, but you need to get to safety, right? Yeah, absolutely, Chris. Absolutely.

Yeah, because I think some stay there until they've been killed. By the other person. There's no place for physical abuse in a marriage. And the sooner you deal with that, the better. You know, sometimes this erupts in the first year of marriage. Well, that's when you ought to apply tough love.

As soon as it erupts, it's far better to do it early on than to put up with it for a long time, because you never know when what they're going to do is going to be devastating. Right. Especially if he's dealt with alcohol, you know, in the past, and that's been part of the makeup in his childhood. That's the other thing, you know, if you feel sorry for a spouse and you know some of what's gone on in their past, that can keep you from doing it, from taking that step of tough love, because you feel sorry they've had this, you know, bad thing and you don't want to add to that, but you really have to keep the focus on loving them well as they are rather than just pitying them for what they've been through. Yeah, that's exactly right, Chris. And we're not helping them by accepting that or allowing that to continue.

We're not helping them. We're just helping them be ingrained in that pattern. Yeah.

Again, if you want to ask Dr. Chapman a question, 1-866-424-GARY. Now, of course, we had a lot of questions about the love languages. Some of them are a little complicated because of whatever the situation is that people are going through. This one is bedrock. It's straightforward. Here we go.

Hi, Gary. My question is, my husband and I have different love languages. How is it that I can get my needs met for my love language when my husband has a different love language? We know what they are, but it's difficult for my husband to show me love with my love language that I need to be loved.

Thank you. Well, it's very, very common that a husband and wife will have a different love language. It's also common that by nature we speak our own love language as we speak to them what we would like to receive. But that's not meaningful to them emotionally because that's not their language. So I think if the husband has an understanding that him speaking your love language is the one thing that's going to meet your emotional need for love and how important that is, you would think he would be motivated to do that, even though it may be difficult because if he didn't receive that love language growing up and he never learned to speak it growing up as an adult, yes, there's a learning curve, but you can learn to speak any one of these languages as an adult, even if you did not receive these languages growing up.

So I don't know if you've both read the book, not just taken the quiz, but read the book. If you haven't, then I would suggest read the book, because the illustrations in the book may help him see how important this is. But if he has that full information and he's not responding, I would just say to him, you know, I don't know how you feel, but I think I'm going to go for counseling because I'm really struggling. And you just tell him how you're struggling.

And I don't know if you're not motivated to speak my language or if you don't really just don't love me and you wish I weren't here, because that's the way I feel sometimes when I'm not receiving love from you in my love language. But having explained that kind of thing to him and he still doesn't respond, then I would say even if he won't go for counseling with you, you go by yourself. And when he sees that you're so serious that you're going for counseling, he may begin to realize, man, this is really important.

You know, so those are my thoughts. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" . You can find out more about that at our website, buildingrelationships.us, as well as our featured resource, Extraordinary Grace, How the Unlikely Lineage of Jesus Reveals God's Amazing Love.

Again, go to buildingrelationships.us. You know, Gary, a common struggle for many people today in this culture is anger, how to deal with it in your own life, how to deal with it as you encounter it with other people. That's what our next caller is asking you about. Hi, Gary. I wanted to know if you could point me to some books or literature that would give me some good techniques to relate to others and reduce anger issues and others' anger issues.

Thank you. Well, you know, Chris, this is a huge issue in human relationships, mismanaged anger. The emotion of anger is not sin. In fact, the Bible says God is angry every day with the wicked. If God is angry every day, anger is not a sin. I think we get angry because we're made in God's image and we have a concern for right. And when our sense of right is violated, we feel angry. But it's how we manage anger, it's the issue. So, you know, years ago, a number of years ago, I wrote a book entitled, Anger, Taming a Powerful Emotion.

And this is the resource I would suggest for this caller because it deals with the whole issue. Where does anger come from, you know? And how can anger be used in a positive way?

Think about this. All great social reform grew out of anger. When did the practice of slavery stop in this country? When enough people were angry and said, this is not right, this is not right. And we saw the changes take place. So it's not the anger, it's how we respond to the anger and how we respond to the other person's anger. So I deal with all of that in this book in terms of recognizing that there's really two kinds of anger. One is what might be called good anger or righteous anger. And that's when someone has done wrong and we should be angry at wrong, at evil. But the other is we get angry often because we don't get our way. And our spouse doesn't do what we think they ought to do. And that kind of anger is selfish anger.

We're not getting our way. And so we get angry. And we have to distinguish between these two. And then how do you process each of those? In the one, you certainly are going to confront the person who's doing wrong, lovingly confront them.

I mean, that's the instructions of the Bible very clearly. You lovingly confront them with what they're at, what they're doing within their angry outbursts. And hoping that they'll see that and will begin to work on changing that. I think in terms of your own anger, also, if you can distinguish between is the person really done wrong? Or did I simply not get my way? Because you handle those differently.

The last one is selfishness. And you can say, Lord, forgive me that I'm so selfish that I get angry because they don't load the dishwasher like I think they ought to load it or whatever the issue is. And you can still talk about the issue. But you're not necessarily trying to insist that they change their behavior, because what they're doing is not wrong. It's just not what you want them to do.

So yeah, I think you'd find that book very helpless. It's entitled anger, taming a powerful emotion. What if she's dealing not with her own anger, but with the anger of other people, and she's coming up against them? Because it almost sounds like she wants to help change their behavior.

And she really can't, she doesn't have control of that, right? Yeah, yeah, I think in a marriage and a close relationship, like a marriage, one approach would be to say to her, you know, I don't know how you feel about your anger. But I just want to share with you that I am often hurt deeply when you lash out at me with words or whatever, whatever it is, you know, I'm really hurt deeply. And I found this book on anger. Would you be willing to read chapter one? If I read chapter one this week, and at the end of the week, we could just ask ourselves, is there anything we can learn from this chapter?

Would you be willing to do that with me? That's an easy request that you're making of them. Now, they may not respond to that. But at least you're opening up a door to possibly discussing this whole subject of anger.

And if they're willing to do chapter one, then you do chapter two and just walk through the book. And as both of you are walking through understanding anger, chances are you're going to begin to see changes in their behavior. We have to talk about it.

It's not going to just go away. We have to talk about it. This is one way to open up a conversation. That's how I'm going to introduce you from now on. He wrote the book on anger, Dr. Gary Chapman, and hope that encourages you today. How do you deal with the regret you feel about mistakes you made when your children were young?

That's what our next caller wants to know. Hi, Gary. I've been reading your books for some time and listening to podcasts as well as listening to you on Focus on the Family. And I want to thank you for what you put out there for all of us to follow. I'm just struggling with children who are adults now. And if I wasn't that perfect mom following your advice, then what can I do and how can I apply that advice today? Thank you.

Bye. Chris, I encounter this often in my office through the years of parents who are regretting some of their behavior when they were raising their children. And they see how that has impacted their child.

And they're struggling with what do I do with that? I think the first thing is to simply sit down with God and say, Lord, I know that I was not a perfect parent. So will you just bring to my mind where I failed things that I shouldn't have done or said things in a way I should not? And get your pencil and paper and just write them down as God brings them to your mind. And then apologize to God about those things.

And this caller may already have done that because it seems to me they're obviously very concerned about this. Then you go to your adult child and you say, I've been thinking about my life and looking back over my life. And I asked God to show me where I failed as a parent. And he gave me some pretty significant things here. And I've asked God to forgive me.

And I'd like to share these with you. And I don't know if you can find it in your heart to forgive me or not. But I want to apologize to you. And you just share those things with them. They may forgive you, or they may say it's too late and walk away. But if they walk away, they are thinking, I never thought I would hear this from coming from my mother. They already have those feelings very likely, but they never thought they would hear you apologize. What I'm saying is God can use your apology to touch their heart and soften their heart.

So I think that's, in my mind, the first approach to take. Now, on the other hand, on the other hand, don't think that your adult children's behavior is totally caused by your failures in the past. We are all free agents. And I don't care how we've been treated as children, we have the ability, with the help of God, to respond differently in life. And whatever negative influences we receive from our parents, we don't have to be controlled. And we are not controlled by their behavior. We can have a good life, a healthy life, even though our parents did fail us at some points. Because there are no perfect parents for that matter. So I guess I'm saying to you, don't take the full blame of your adult children's behavior upon yourself and sit around putting yourself down because of your past failures.

Yes, we've all failed. Let's deal with it. Let's confess it to God. Let's accept his forgiveness.

Let's apologize to our children. But however they respond to us, let us go on living our life for God. Because past failures should not be controlling your behavior either. This is a new day. And so today, let's walk with God. Let's do things positive with our lives, in spite of the failures we may have had in the past.

So I think that both of those things are important. Dealing with our failures, but also not taking upon ourselves the full guilt of what our adult children are doing. You know, listen, God's first two children went wrong.

Adam and Eve, they had a perfect father, God. And they still went wrong. Children will make decisions because they're human and they're free. And sometimes they make decisions that are poor decisions. But we are not the cause of that.

They make their own decisions. I think that's a good place to stop and end the program here today, Gary, with, you know, the end of the year, the beginning of a new one, looking back, the regrets that you've had. And then our featured resource being the extraordinary grace of God, what we've celebrated with the incarnation, that God cared enough about us to enter space and time to become one of us. You know, he was fully God, yes, but Jesus became fully human as well and was tempted just like we are, went through all of the things that we go through, yet without sin, so that he could be the perfect sacrifice, so that he could rob our sin, as one of the songwriters say, and give us his righteousness. And to live in that, I think that's what you're encouraging this person to do, to live in the truth of that. Yes, you've made mistakes, but you're living as a child of God who is fully loved, fully forgiven, and fully accepted, right?

Absolutely, Chris. And you know, I think the book that we're acknowledging today, Extraordinary Grace, which looks on the ancestors of Jesus, and you look at them and you realize, oh my goodness, these are ancestors of Jesus, and look at the things they did that were wrong. You'll be encouraged if God can use those people and allow them to be ancestors of Jesus on the human side. God can use you. I don't care what the past has been, God has a plan for your life.

So let's accept his forgiveness based on what Chris has said that Christ did for us, and let's move on and live our lives for him and with him. If you want to find out more about that, go to the website buildingrelationships.us. There's some great resources right there. You can take the quiz, the assessment for your love language, but you'll also see Extraordinary Grace, how the unlikely lineage of Jesus reveals God's amazing grace. Just go to buildingrelationships.us. And next week, helping your children put on the clothing of compassion, kindness, and love. A big thank you to our production team who worked hard all year long, Steve Wick and Janice Backing. Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening and Happy New Year.