Dear Gary | October

Women tend to give so many hints. We did not enter the euphoric stage.

We just dove into the choosing to love each other. Try and find a young lady. Nobody's respond to me. Should I look for another wife?

What do I do? Welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" . Today it's our Dear Gary broadcast for October. Time to open the phone lines and hear your questions about the love languages, your marriage, singles issues and more. I am so excited to hear you present your questions to Dr. Chapman today and if you want to be on a future broadcast call us 1-866-424-GARY. Each week we have a featured resource on the program and today it is A Teen's Guide to "The 5 Love Languages" , how to understand yourself and improve all your relationships.

Find out more at buildingrelationships.us. Gary, there's a new generation coming up who want to do that, improve their relationships and you're part of that process. Isn't that invigorating to know? You know, Chris, I'm very excited about this book because it's written directly to teenagers. You know, earlier I wrote a book for parents of teenagers on "The 5 Love Languages" . But I thought, you know, we need to communicate to the teenagers themselves.

If they could get this concept down during the teenage years, imagine how that's going to influence the rest of their life and all of their relationships. So I'm very excited about this book, A Teen's Guide to "The 5 Love Languages" . I thought, I say to parents, you know, if you're reading the other book, you know, the original book for parents of teenagers and you're teenagers reading this book, you will have some good discussions.

So yeah, I'm excited about this book. You can find out more about it at the website buildingrelationships.us. Again, it's A Teen's Guide to "The 5 Love Languages" . Again, go to buildingrelationships.us. Well, let's begin our conversation today with a caller who has a specific love language question.

Hey, Garrett. So I was just thinking about specifically the GIFs language. So this is kind of my question. Can someone who has GIFs as their primary love language be compatible with a partner who is not economically able to provide GIFs? You discussed that GIFs don't have to be of monetary value. And, you know, picking flowers is a perfect example. But the reality is we live in a consumer society where everything costs, even if you want to get granular, the gas to go pick up the flowers in your car.

Also, the flowers example being free would naturally and understandably get old as the GIF experiences diminishing marginal returns. I'm extremely curious what your response will be. Thanks. Well, first of all, Chris, I want to say that's an excellent question. I really like that question.

Yeah. And listen, all of us are limited in some way financially. Maybe I shouldn't say all of us because they're super, super millionaires that can just buy whatever they want to buy, you know.

But the average person is on some kind of limited income. And we have to decide, you know, how to feed the children, the family and all of that. And so this can be a challenge.

But I do want to emphasize the fact, and we've said this before, it's the thought that counts. And I've sometimes told this account, I don't know if I've told it on the air or not, but a guy who told me just the other day said, Dr. Chapman, I was taking a walk. He said, my wife's language is gifts. And I was taking a walk. And I saw a bird feather. And I picked it up and brushed it off. I took it home. I said, honey, when I was walking today, I found this bird feather. And I want to give it to you because it reminded me that you are the wind beneath my wings.

And she said, oh, that is so sweet. That didn't cost him a penny. Now, I know you can't give bird feathers every week.

Okay, I get that. Just like you can't give flowers every week. But if you're thinking in terms of your spouse's love language, and it happens to be gifts, you will come up with some ideas that you never thought of before. And I just say, ask God, you know, if you don't have money to buy something, ask God, you know, lead me to something, bring to my mind an idea of something that my spouse would really like. And the other thing is, Chris, you can also look for thrift stores, because those kind of stores have things much, much cheaper, you know, and there's some of them used to be a dollar store.

Now it's a dollar and a quarter. And you can often find some really, you know, really gifts that will speak to the other person. So, yeah, I just think we have to use our creativity, if we're limited in funds, to look for things that we think our spouse would appreciate, but don't involve a whole lot of money. And I think your spouse knows your financial situation. At least they should.

I hope they do. And they know you can't go out and buy expensive gifts, if that's the case. So they're not expecting you to do that.

In fact, if you went out and bought huge gifts on a credit card, you'd probably upset them, because they don't want to go in debt, you know. So yeah, I just think we have to seek to be creative in terms of looking for things that are free, but also looking for things that are inexpensive. So the answer to the question is yes, you can be compatible with somebody.

So thank you for that question. And the other thing, it seems to me that all of the languages are commensurate with your heart being turned toward that other person. For example, words. You are thinking about that other person and thinking, what is going to encourage them today? What is the thing that I can say that's coming genuinely from your heart? So all of that with gifts or with words, you're thinking about that other person, right?

Yeah, absolutely, Chris. And you know, there are people that words are hard for them. Words are inexpensive, of course, but they didn't receive words growing up. And it's hard for them to even come up with words to say to the other person. So yeah, any of these can be challenging.

If you did not receive them, you know, growing up, they're not natural for you. So it's something that has to be learned. Yeah. All right. Our next question comes as a response to a PASS program. I think it fits right in here. It's about the difference between men and women.

Hi, Gary. I was just listening to your current program and you were talking about not being able to read minds. And I wanted to add something to that that you could expound on. And that is, I think women in particular tend to give so many hints that they think they have told their husband. I have observed this over and over and over in relationships within my family where all of a sudden you find out about some terrible problem or even a divorce and you try to talk to them. And the person instigating the divorce says, I've told them, I've told them over and over and maybe they have, but then you hear more and you get the idea that the offending spouse or the one not getting the hints, maybe they knew that there were some complaints in the marriage, but they didn't understand they were at DEFCON 1. They didn't understand that all of these little hints that were dropped were getting them further and further toward a divorce court. So I just wanted to say that I agree with your suggestion of writing things down for each other because I think that's just too often the case. People give hints, they drop hints, they drop comments and they think they've been clear. They think that it's, you know, their spouse has been given many chances and their spouse who either didn't catch the hints or didn't realize how serious the hints were, they feel blindsided. So that was long winded, but I would love for you guys to talk about that.

Thank you very much. Bye bye. Well, I think this caller makes a good point and that is if you're going to share with the other person what makes you feel loved, you have to be clear and make sure they understand it because you're right. We don't always pick up on hints and you may think you're communicating clearly, but they may not get it, you know. There's another factor here and that is maybe the other person doesn't realize how important it is to speak the other person's language, even if they know what it is.

You know, they kind of minimize it. Well, you know, I just don't think you have to be thinking all the time about, you know, what I can do or say to communicate love. Don't they know that I love them?

I mean, I'm working and I'm not doing it. So we can have an attitude that diminishes the emotional need for love and I think that often happens in a relationship as well. They know the concept, you know, generally and they know that this is their spouse's language, but in their mind, it's not that big a deal. And so if you keep telling me, you know, what your love language is, they might get irritated with it. So that's another factor in this.

But I do think the communication factor, which the caller is really focusing in on, is certainly a factor. And that's why, you know, I suggest, for example, this little game, it's a word game, in which you say to your spouse, on a scale of 0 to 10, how full is your love tank? That's assuming they're aware of the love tank, you know, metaphor. Or you could just say, on a scale of 0 to 10, how much love do you feel coming from me? And if they say anything less than 10, you say, well, what could I do to bring it up?

Or what could I do to help fill the tank? And then that particular day, they give you something specifically that you could do that would communicate love to them. And if you do that back and forth, each of you, you know, every couple of weeks, chances are you're going to communicate clearly, because they're asking you, on this particular day or this particular week, what could I do or say that would make, you know, you feel more love? And not always, it will not always be their primary love language. Because let's face it, it's not just our primary love language. We're open to hear other languages spoken. It says that we have to have a significant amount of our primary love language, or these others will not mean as much.

But when we're speaking the primary on a regular basis, these others will be meaningful as well. So, yeah, I think this kind of keeps it on the front burner to bring this subject up in an informal way every couple of weeks. Our program is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, and this is our Dear Gary broadcast for October. If you have a question, call our listener line at 1-866-424-GARY. Keep your question as brief as possible, and we'll try to address it here on the program. That's 1-866-424-4279. Our featured resource today is Gary's book, A Teen's Guide to "The 5 Love Languages" , How to Understand Yourself and Improve All Your Relationships. You can find out more at buildingrelationships.us. So our next caller needs some clarification or maybe a little bit of advice about her dating relationship that sounds like it's getting pretty serious. Hi, Gary.

I have a question. My boyfriend and I are planning to get married. We're not engaged yet, but we're dating pretty deeply. And we have done the five languages.

We've got the Roadmap to Success that we're currently in. We've read "The 5 Love Languages" book. We're currently reading Things I Wish I Knew Before We Got Married. And the euphoric stage keeps getting brought up repetitively, and I feel extremely strong that we did not enter the euphoric stage, that we just dove into the choosing to love each other. And I just want to make sure that that's something that others have done as well. I know many have done the euphoric stage and then dove into the choose to love one another, but we're doing it in reverse. And I just want to make sure that that's a successful outcome. If you could clarify or give me insight on this, I'd appreciate it.

Thank you. Well, that's an interesting question, and I don't know that we've had that question before, Chris, but what she's saying is true. There are couples or individuals who do not have what we typically call this in love experience, this super, super emotional high where they just feel like this is the most wonderful person in the world, and I just want to be with them the rest of my life.

Most people do have that, but there are people who do not. They start dating. They like each other. They have a lot of things in common. They begin to share life, and in this case, read "The 5 Love Languages" , which everyone should read, wherever you are in the journey. And so they are meeting each other's need for love because they're speaking each other's love language, and now they're reading the book on Things I Wish I Had Known Before We Got Married, which is really good because it deals not only with love languages but a lot of other things.

And so I think that this caller, they're moving in a right direction, in a positive direction, and I don't think they should be overly concerned that they did not go through that euphoric stage. It'd be interesting to know whether he or she did have a sense of that in love's thing. Sometimes one person does and the other person doesn't, you know, but if indeed you work through those other issues in preparation for marriage and you work through whatever needs to be worked through and you are speaking each other's love language, you can have a wonderful marriage and a lifelong healthy marriage even if you did not experience what we typically call falling in love. And the reason I say that is because, as you know, that experience is temporary.

The average lifespan is two years and most people begin to come down pretty soon after they get married. And it can be very frightening if you're not aware of that. So I think the fact that you are aware of the reality that most people do experience that and you did not and you want to make sure that that's not going to be a real detriment in the future, I think you're on the right track. So I wouldn't say, well, because you didn't have that, you shouldn't get married, because that kind of love is not the kind of love that's going to carry you for the long haul. So are you saying you don't have to have the tingles in order to get married to somebody? If you've never had the tingles for another person, that's okay?

Absolutely. And, Chris, let's face it. There are cultures where there are arranged marriages. The parents pick out your spouse and you don't even know them. But the parents know the issues that make for a good marriage. And so they're picking out somebody that they think is going to be compatible with you. And those people go on to have good marriages.

And in many places, as you know, "The 5 Love Languages" has been translated in over 50 languages, I think 60 now, languages around the world. And so they learn the concept and they are speaking each other's language, and so they didn't go through that euphoric stage, they didn't even have a chance to do that. So, yeah, I think you can have a good marriage without that. The struggle is, in this culture, it's all about the tingles, it's all about the feeling, it's all about, you know, love is this, and if I don't feel this, then I move on.

And I don't disagree with anything you've just said, and I love what the caller has said. What I see often happening, though, is five to seven years into a marriage, eight, however long it takes, sometimes it's shorter than that. A person, male or female, or both, come into contact with somebody else and they get this euphoric feeling, they get the tingles, and they think, I married the wrong person, you know, this is the person that's going to make me happy. So that's the struggle. If you're going to commit, you need to commit, tingles or not, right?

Yeah, absolutely. We need to see marriage as a covenant, a covenant with each other, but also with God. That we're committing ourselves in the presence of God to seek each other's well-being the rest of our lives. That's the attitude of love, and that's the attitude that will carry you through and give you a healthy marriage. Emotions come and go, and even in a healthy marriage, some days you have negative feelings towards your spouse because of things they did or did not do that disappointed you. But we don't live by emotions, positive or negative. We don't deny them, you know, we enjoy positive emotions, and we don't like to feel hurt or to feel angry because we feel like we've been mistreated.

But those emotions are responses to what's going on in our lives. So we have to recognize the key is seeing love as an attitude, a way of thinking. I want to enrich the life of this other person as long as I live.

And then you look for ways to do it. The love language helps you, but there's a lot of other issues too in how you can enrich the other person's life. And when each of you have that attitude and you're expressing it in your behavior and your words to the other person, you're going to have a good marriage. Let me give you our number because I want to know, is Gary right about this?

Is there anybody listening who says, you know, you're absolutely right? Or no, I disagree because do you have a tingle story in your marriage about before you got married, after you got married? I'd love to hear some feedback from you. Use the number 866-424-GARY, and you may hear some calls on a future broadcast talk about the tingles, 1-866-424-GARY. Now, I'm interested in your response to our next caller because it's another single person. And I think there are a lot of men and women who have this same question.

Here we go. I've been trying to find different ways in reduction service, churches, singles for single people, but nobody's responded to me. There's nothing going on. I'm trying to find a young lady to meet who's interested, who would like to meet just to talk, be with each other, or do activities that we like to do. I've had little success finding anybody.

So someone there could help or make suggestions that would help. So for that, like 40 years of age or higher and attractive, blonde or brunette hair is okay. If anyone would like to call or so by suggestion, okay. That's it.

Bye. So again, 40 or older, attractive, blonde or brunette is fine. This is a young man, middle-aged man, who's really looking for companionship and someone to come alongside him, but he's having a hard time, even in the church, finding that. What do you say? Well, Chris, maybe we ought to say if there's anyone listening in that category. I don't think we could do that.

I don't think we'd better do that. I think there are a number of single adults today who are in the situation where they would really like to get married. They are strong Christians. They're seeking to follow God and walk with God. They're active in their church. And they would really like to be married, but they've never encountered anyone in the church setting that had an interest in them, even to start dating. And apparently, he also has tried some of the online dating services, and those can be helpful. I mean, I run into people all the time who say we met online. But apparently, he's tried that, and he hasn't had anyone that's responded to him. And in today's culture, Chris, you would think it'd be a lot easier today than it was before all the technology stuff.

Exactly. But it's actually harder today, I think, because we all have these ideas in our mind of what it should be like and who the person would be like and all this sort of stuff. Like, he's even talking about the color of hair, and God may bring him a redhead.

I mean, let's face it, or a blonde. It's okay to have those ideas, but we have to be open to the reality that the person that God has for me may be someone that is not what I have envisioned in my own mind. And then the other possibility, Chris, is to remember this. It is not God's plan for every single person to get married. You know, there are people in the New Testament that were not married.

Supremely, Jesus. But there are others that were not married. And throughout history, God has used many single adults who never married, but who have had tremendous impact upon the kingdom of God. And so don't assume that it's God's plan for every single person to get married. But it is God's plan for you to invest your life in serving God. So if you've given your life to Christ, you've accepted him as your Savior, seek his direction in how you can serve other people now while you are single. And there are plenty of opportunities in every city in this country to plug into ministry to people. And many times, it's in the context of ministry that we meet someone who also has a heart for ministry that, you know, we find somebody. But in the meantime, we're not going to wait until we get married to begin investing our lives in helping other people.

So I would look for opportunities to invest your life in helping people now while you're single. You know, Chris, I've had people say, we met in Nairobi or somewhere. We were both on a mission trip, a mission group of young people. And in that context, we met and we saw each other's heart for serving God, and we were drawn to each other.

So I'm not suggesting that everybody should sign up to go to Nairobi. I'm just suggesting that we ought, as Christian singles, we ought to be investing our lives in serving God by serving others. You can hear the heart cry from his voice. I'm sure there are people listening right now.

That's exactly where I am. And I love your answer to him, Gary. We have a featured resource today at the website. It's a teen's guide to "The 5 Love Languages" .

Go to buildingrelationships.us. I want to play this question and then we'll get your answer here and maybe a little bit in the next segment. I think that book, A Teen's Guide to "The 5 Love Languages" , might help in this situation as we kind of jump into the deep end of the parenting pool for this next question.

Hi, Gary. How do I respond when my almost 17-year-old daughter criticizes me for parenting and then continues and won't stop? If I say I'm sorry, she replies that if I were truly sorry, that I would change. If I walk away, she accuses me of not finishing the conversation. However, the only way the conversation would be successful from her perspective is if she gets exactly what she's asking for. So I let her continue to berate me for a while until I come up with some sort of excuse of something that I need to do. Usually the topic is that I'm too controlling and she's supposed to turn in her smartphone at night and she does not get unlimited internet usage or social media. Also, we adopted her from foster care at age three and I'm not the best at emotional intelligence and I'm at a loss. How should I best respond to these situations?

Thank you so much. Well, you know, Chris, let's face it. Raising teenagers is difficult. I remember when my son was a teenager, one time my wife said to me, He's your son. I'm going to let you take care of him. He was our son.

It wasn't just my son. But it can be frustrating. There's no question about it. Because teens are beginning to develop logical thought. I did not say they're logical. I said they're beginning to develop logical thinking. And that's why they question the things you've told them. Because they're now thinking that doesn't make sense. You know, that's not right. And so they're coming back and telling you that.

And in this case, it's specific things, guidelines, that you have laid down for her that she's kind of rebelling against because in her mind you're being too strict on her. So I think we, first of all, need to hear the teenager. No question about it. They need to be heard. And then we have to think.

Because there are times in which maybe we do need to make some changes. And keep this in mind. The caller said her daughter is 17 now. At 18, typically, they finish high school and they go off to college. Or they join the military or something else. But if they move out of the house, they're going to do what they want to do. That is, we can control the time that they spend on phones and with screens and all of that.

We can do that. But we have to realize in a year when they leave to go to college, they're going to watch as much as they want to. So sometimes we need to think, okay, maybe I need to begin incrementally expanding some of this. And if there's something you think really has to be continued, fine.

But maybe there are some things that you need to loosen up a bit on. So I think that what we did when they were 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, which they just accepted. But in the teenage years, they're not likely going to just accept them. They're questioning those things and feeling like you're being unfair to them.

And it's painful for a parent. Because I know you're doing whatever rules you have, you have because you think those are the best rules for them. But I would give some thought to whatever the rules are that you have and just ask, do I need to be thinking in terms of her independence and getting her ready to be independent? Because once they leave the house and go to college or whatever, they're going to have to make decisions on their own.

And your decisions aren't going to be controlling them at that point. So I think helping them learn how to make wise decisions. And in this case, I think I would ask the teenager, what do you think would make me a better parent?

Or what do you think would be more fair for you? Take seriously what they're saying. Because if we listen to the teenager and try to understand what they're saying and then put ourselves in their shoes, be empathetic with them and think about what if you were a teenager and your parents were telling you this. I think listening to them gives them a sense that you value their thoughts. It doesn't mean you agree with their thoughts, but you value their thoughts and you want them to share their thoughts with you. Because otherwise, if they don't feel heard, then they stop talking to you about the things that they're struggling with.

They'll go talk to somebody else about it because they feel like you don't hear them. So I think listening to them, even though it's painful to hear sometimes what they're saying, and we certainly don't have to always agree with it, but we can say, you know, I think I understand what you're saying. I guess if I were your age and I was thinking the way you think, I'd probably think what you're thinking. But let me just share my perspective, you know, and then you share your perspective. As a parent, I want what's best for you, and that's what I'm trying to do.

And I'm not saying that all the rules I have are right, so maybe some of them do need to be changed, and I'd like for us to talk about it. So it's dialogue rather than monologue. That is, it's talking back and forth, discussing an issue, rather than doing what we did when they were younger to just say, this is the rule, and if you don't follow the rule, here are the consequences. And that works well for young children. I mean, they need that. But as they get to be teenagers, we need to think about they're on a road toward independence, and I want to help them develop, you know, independence. They're not independent now, but I want to help them get ready so that they'll make wise decisions when they're out there and I'm not with them. There's also the added information about the adoption and the daughter's background, and it sounds like some of the underlying emotional issues that might be surfacing here in the later teen years, such that, you know, a counselor that can come alongside the mom and the daughter or the whole family to work through some of these things, do you think that could be helpful? It could be very helpful, Chris.

You're exactly right. And I've written a book, it won't be out till next year, on how the love language works with adopted children. Because when you adopt a child, even if you adopt them young, you don't have that emotional bond with them that a biological parent has. And how do we process that?

How do we work through that? There's one other book I would suggest to this mother, and that is a book I wrote called Things I Wish I'd Known Before Our Children Became Teenagers. And in that book, I talk about what's happening in the teenage brain and what's going on in the teenage brain, among other things. And I think you'd find that book to be helpful. And if you go to the website buildingrelationships.us, you can see all of our resources that we have, including today's featured resource, A Teen's Guide to "The 5 Love Languages" . Gary, we get a lot of calls about narcissism on the program. Here is a wife asking about a husband she's struggling to love well.

Hi, Gary. I listened to your audio book and I really, really loved it. It was really enlightening some of the things that I learned even about myself and my love language, my husband's love language. And his love language is physical touch and I believe it is also words of affirmation.

Maybe the lesser of the two is the words of affirmation. But my question is, does this work when you're dealing with someone who is a narcissist? Because my husband is absolutely narcissistic and it's difficult for me to speak his love language when he's so narcissistic.

I'd really, really appreciate it if this question could be answered. Thank you. Well, I can feel the hurt and the pain in this call, Chris. And I think when someone is married to a person who is so self-centered and so always right and who knows everything, those are the characteristics of a narcissistic person. It's hard. It's really hard because the physical thing, who wants to be physical and be touching somebody who has that attitude towards you and they come across as though you're always wrong, I'm always right. And you have to really try to find something to give them words of affirmation because you're not feeling any words of affirmation coming from them.

So it can be hard. I guess I would say a couple of things. One, typically a narcissistic person will not go for counseling because they think they don't need a counselor. And if you suggest it, they'll say, well, why don't you go? You're the one that's got the problem.

I would say, if they say that, okay, I think I will. So you go to counseling yourself and you tell them. I've got to find help. I don't know how long I can go on with the way you're treating me, the way you talk to me, the way I feel put down by you. And so I'm going to go for counseling. And let that counselor help you learn how to respond over the long haul here in a positive and healthy way. So don't just give up. Don't just cave in. Don't just let the pain that you feel control you.

Take steps to learn yourself how you can respond differently. And there is a place in a marriage for tough love. So I think I would say, yes, in terms of the process, you want to do everything you can with the help of God to express love to Him, not because you're feeling that you love Him, but because you choose to speak His language. You want to communicate to Him that He's loved. God loves him, and so you're just God's agent. You're not trying to say, I feel loving toward Him, but God, I'm married to Him. So I'd like to be your agent to express your love to Him. And then you look for things, words of affirmation that you can give Him, and you give Him affirming touches. And the hardest part here is the sexual part of marriage, to be sure, because that's extremely difficult when you don't feel loved by Him, you're put down by Him. At any rate, there is a place when you have tried to affirm Him and tried to be God's agent for loving Him, and there's no response. There is a place to say in your own words, I don't know how you feel about us, but I feel like I have done everything I can possibly do to show you that I love you, that I care about you, that I would like for us to have a loving relationship.

But it seems to me that you really don't care. So I've gone for counseling. I've done everything I know to do.

I'm going to move in with my mother. I'm not abandoning you. I'm perfectly happy to go for counseling with you if you want to deal with the problem. But in the meantime, I love you too much to sit here and do nothing because it's destroying me.

And if you have children, you can say it's destroying our children, and therefore this is what I'm going to do. And because you have been loving them even though they don't deserve love, they're going to be thinking, wow, I'm going to lose something here. I'm going to lose somebody who has loved me when I didn't deserve it. And God can use that tough love to touch their hearts. And it doesn't mean they'll always turn around or always be open for counseling. But sometimes it's tough love that brings the person to the point where they realize, I've got to do something here.

So those are some of my thoughts. But a counselor can help you with other things and help you process it on a regular basis. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" . Our featured resource today is A Teen's Guide to "The 5 Love Languages" , how to understand yourself and improve all your relationships.

You can find out more at buildingrelationships.us. I love the fact that this is a safe place for you to ask any question that you're struggling with. I hope you feel that as you listen and as you call us. And here's a question I don't think we've ever received. This caller has gone through some really deep trauma with the situation with his wife, and he's looking for some advice from Dr. Chapman. Hi, Gary.

I'm calling from Canada. I've been listening to your program here. I want to ask you a question.

My wife had a cranial surgery, nice neurological surgery, that means it was in the brain to remove a tumor. I was thrown off balance. I was really traumatized from that time. I've been moving from home to the hospital, from hospital to home. I'm alone, being really, really weakened, but I got the strength within the Word of God and praying. That's where I draw my strength from. Now she's recovering but paralyzed somehow.

They are asking me to sign a consent to move her to a long-term care facility. Now my question is, I need assistance. I need someone to be with me. I need a wife.

How do I go about that? Still alone, I'm still, this is up to one year, six months, and I've been struggling, going up and down. Sometimes moving like someone who is having mental problems, because not only am I traumatized by what happened, I don't have anyone to share the ideas and pains with except God. So should I look for another wife?

What do I do? Thank you. Well, Chris, I'm empathetic with this caller. You can feel the pain, the hurt, the disillusionment, the trauma that he's experiencing, married and planning to have a wonderful long life together, and then a physical problem develops and it leaves her paralyzed and she's going to be in a facility now.

I think anyone can identify with the difficulty of dealing with that. However, I think we have to come back to the heart of what the Bible says about marriage. Marriage is a commitment that we make to another person. They're going to love them and be faithful to them so long as we both shall live.

That's in almost every wedding ceremony. It is a commitment that we make, and with God's help, we can keep that commitment even in difficult situations like this. No one would just by nature choose to have a spouse come down with a problem like this, that a parent is going to be with them the rest of their life. No one would choose that. But she didn't choose it.

It wasn't something she chose. You know, we live in a fallen world. Our bodies are fallen. And there are many, many people in this world who are blind and paralyzed and all kinds of other things, and some who have dementia and can't respond at all in any way to you. So I think we have to come back to say to God, You know where I am.

You know how hard this is. But I've made a commitment, and I want to be faithful to that commitment and to you. So give me grace. Give me courage.

Give me energy. Give me wisdom in how I relate to my spouse through this journey. It is not a time, in my opinion, to be thinking about someone else. Paralyzed is one thing, but my question would be, can she talk? Is she ability to carry on a conversation with you?

That would be a huge blessing. If that's true, then you can sit down and have conversations with her, even if she's paralyzed in other ways. There are people who can't talk.

I have a close friend whose wife for 10 years could not talk, could not say anything, could not do anything, simply was lying in the bed and just basically staying alive. And he would still go there every other day and sit down and spend a few hours in her presence. He would talk to her. She couldn't respond. He would sing to her. She couldn't respond. But he was faithful to his commitment that he made to her.

And we don't know how much she heard or how much she took in, but everybody I know admires that man for his commitment. Now, for your own emotional health, your own emotional spiritual health, I would suggest that you try to find a support group in a local church, and many churches have support groups for people that are going through hard times like you're going through, so that you can be encouraged to hear other people's stories. Others can hear your story. You interface with people who are going through similar things. You can pray for each other. You can encourage each other so that you're not alone in this process.

So that would be my suggestion. And obviously you indicated this. You're drawing on God. He's the one that's given you the power to do this so far. And he can continue to give you the power to be faithful in the midst of a very, very difficult situation. But all of us need other people in our lives.

I don't think you need another wife, but you do need other people, particularly men who are also going through hard times. So I would ask your pastor or church leaders, you know, what's available for someone like me? Is there a group that I could attend?

And if they don't have a group, check with some of the other churches locally to see what they might have, because many churches do have support groups that deal with different types of situations. I love the reality of the question that he's asking, because after a year and a half, you know, he's just, there's something wrong with me, and I really need this over here. And it's almost like he's being so real with us and so real with God, you know, God, would you help me this way, that he's reaching out in that isolated sense.

So that was the exact same thing that I was thinking of. You need relationship, not another wife. You need that relationship for that encouragement. So I think with the time left here, Gary, why don't we just go to God and pray for this listener and others who may be in a similar situation. Could you lead us?

Surely. Father, I know that you know this man who shared his heart with us. I know that you love him.

I know that you're fully aware of his situation. And I pray that your spirit will touch his spirit. Give him the attitude of Christ, the mind of Christ. May he see himself as your representative for making sure that his wife has the best care she can get. And may he do everything he can to spend time with her and grant our Father that you'd also bring into his life other people in the family of God who are struggling and who can help him, and even a counselor, Father, who will listen to what he has to say and help him process his thoughts and his emotions.

Because in the midst of this, I know that you've created the church as a family. And so I pray, Father, you would bring into his life individuals and the counselors who can help him process his pain. And recognize that you want to work through him with his pain and you want to minister to him through his pain.

So Father, we commit him to you and pray that you would bring people into his life who can be your hands and your voice to help encourage him. In the name of Christ, we pray. Amen.

Amen. And friend, if you have a question or a comment, call us, 866-424-GARY. You can leave your message.

You might hear an answer on a future Dear Gary broadcast. Give 1-866-424-4279. And go to the website buildingrelationships.us. You'll see the book, A Teen's Guide to "The 5 Love Languages" . Again, go to buildingrelationships.us. And next week, you'll hear about an exciting video series for teens, their parents, and their grandparents. Don't miss a conversation with Dr. Christopher Yuon in one week. A big thank you to our production team, Steve Wick and Janice Backing. Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in Chicago, in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.