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Dear Gary

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman
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April 25, 2020 8:03 am

Dear Gary

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman

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April 25, 2020 8:03 am

​You've heard that when you get to the end of your rope you need to a tie a knot and hang on, right? Well, if that's you, tune in to the next Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. On our April "Dear Gary" broadcast, you'll hear answers to some deep marriage and family struggles, and words of hope from the author of the NY Times bestseller, The Five Love Languages. Don't miss the questions and answers on the next Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.

Resource: Holding onto Love After You've Lost a Baby: The Five Love Languages for Grieving Parents

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People are casting on "The 5 Love Languages" . Successful five love languages you love your life is emotionally my wife and I read it together and we quickly realize like we are the exact opposite of the love language, scaled quizzes, with the Gary Chapman to me love I would just today on building relations ships Dr. Gary Chapman.

I don't book on why your husband about my marriage and my family. Welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller, the five time for our dear Gary broadcast the month of April calls, questions, relationships, spouses and mortals as well as rocksolid pastoral counselor. Shift your doing great, in spite of all the country forcefully placed on blood.

In the maybe as you listen here today if you hear an answer to your question postdoc Chapman somebody calls and you say oh I know somebody who needs to hear that answer right there, go to our website, you can use stream. There you can download the podcast absolutely free. You also see her featured resource today, which we discussed last week with author Candi McVicker.

The book is titled holding onto love after you've lost a baby.

"The 5 Love Languages" for grieving parents scored a five love and as we heard last week Gary I know you believe this is a really important resource well under Chris because there's so many people that are lost a baby's stillbirth and miscarriage are a young child you live for what two or three years or so, and so many times people just kinda after the initial shock of all that the people around the couple that lost the baby will come to get back to normal and they don't even talk about it they don't bring it up anymore with the person and so a lot of angry fishes, silent grief that the parents of the child bearer themselves. So this book is going to help a lot of people. I'm super encouraged about it and I think it's that caring. The pain alone. You see this with people who maybe even today will call in about the struggle in their marriage they they have this all alone and when they have somebody like you to just come walk alongside is been there before. It's helpful and that's the way Candi has written this. She's been there. She and her husband Steve right now they been there lost two children and so and she's out of that she's grown a ministry to help other people process this in a healthy way and provide resources for hospitals and others and how they can help the grieving parent.

So yeah, I really appreciate the opportunity to write this with candy because you know when someone's been through it, you feel the emotion and I can almost guarantee you the folks who read this book. There will be tears and tears is a good way to answer part of grief, you know, so I read this book again after came out and the final form. Another stuntman if I had had this book.

Through the years. The couples are set in my office have lost the baby. I'd like to put this book in the hand of every person is going through that experience. So I'm thinking it's going to help some people holding onto love after you've lost a baby and if you didn't hear that broadcast last week to the website.

Five love and you can hear it right there were suggested to somebody else get five love right let's get to the questions Gary and her first one is actually from a program you know Dr. Mark Jobe. He hosts bold steps. He's president of Moody Bible Institute, and this question came to that ministry, but I want to hear what you have to say you ready for this. Okay, here is it's hard to parent when you have a lot of anger and guilt. I have two daughters with two different men, neither our father figures in their lives. My question is about my 16-year-old daughter. She's addicted to her cell phone and any boy who gives her attention.

She is talking with the boy she met on a social media app and I've caught explicit texts between them. Do I have a right to take the phone away check her phone and force her to go to church. I felt guilty because of the way her dad treated her. If I try to have a discussion. She breaks down blames me and boom. The guilt comes back and I let her have her phone because I feel I caused all this. What are my options.

Everything I hear is unchristian. Parents who raise their children with godly values. I haven't heard anyone talk about the sinful parent who tries to redeem their life and now struggles with parenting.

Well first of all, Chris. I have a lot of empathy for the person who submitted this question because there are literally thousands of parents who have similar feelings that looking back on lifestyle that they lived and now looking at their children who been influenced by that lifestyle and who are you know at odds with their parents. So many issues, not just cell phones but many issues and there's no easy answer to this but I do think the starting point and this is my perspective I think it's a biblical perspective. The starting point. Whenever there's a fractured relationship and you want to do something about it, is to ask God to show you where you failed in this person's life. It's a biblical prayer. David prayed that prayer.

They said, Lord, shine your light only and see if there's any wicked way in me, that this person is already feeling guilt they already know that they made some poor decisions but just inviting God into Lord show me where I fail and I and I suggest writing them down is one by one as God brings into your mind and then again confessing to God.

Perhaps you've already done that.

We confess them to God again Lord fail.

I made some serious mistakes here and I'm thanking you that Christ paid for these and am asking you for forgiveness. Let's get the lines clear between you and God because God will always forgive and I think the second step is you actually go to that child, that teenager that young adult child and you apologize to them, and you pour your heart out to them. You tell them what you been thinking about how you've asked God to show you where your failed and you know that your failures have impacted them and you regret that you're asking them if they can find in their heart to forgive you. To me that's that that's the starting point with the other person is not telling them something not taken the phone away. It's it's verbally dealing with those failures and are in a God honoring way and maybe they forgive you.

Maybe they say I can't now never forgive you but you know you don't how they will respond because we cannot control someone else's response and we can't make child.

Forgive us forgiveness is a choice, but at least that child going to walk away seeing the tears in your eyes and the tears in your voice as you share with them your honest regret over your failures. Having done that Weatherly forgive you whether they don't think a week later. A few days later you want to say to them you know honey what I share with you last week and I really want to be a good mother to you for the rest of our relationship. I know in a few years go to college or you can get a job and so forth. But I want our relationship to be good I want to be a good mother to you. Can you help me.

Can we talk about what I need to do to be a good mother to you later sense that you won't her input because teenagers want to be heard that you can do everything she asked. Perhaps she may say it is donor sainted to me about my phone let me do this. Let me do that let me do this and we can always do what they request, but we do want to hear them and know what it is that they think would make you a better mother and then ask God to show you how you might implement some of those things is there a place to take a phone a while.

Yes, there is a choice to take a phone away, but it's after you have made efforts to amend the relationship if you just take it away when the relationship is still fractured just pushes her away. Further, because she senses you don't really care that to me that's the approach you make in it. It's a period of time in which hopefully you can build a better relationship with that daughter are for others it might be an adult child is already out of the home, but none of us want to live the rest of our lives with a fractured relationship with her children but we do want to do as long as they live in our house. We want to do everything we can to help them make wise decisions. Again, we can't control them 24 hours a day. We want to help them make less decisions because we don't want them to experience the trauma and the pain that we've experienced in our life by making poor decisions. That strikes me there's probably some other listings that I did all of the things that she's talking about raising children the godly values in my child still in a made some bad decisions still had the problem with the phone or whatever it is so, so, following God's directives with your children doesn't mean that you know you can you can look at this and say if I do this I know that they're going to do that. It's not a guaranteed result right. Well, you're absolutely right, Chris.

You look at look at God. His first two children made poor decisions.

Adam and Eve and they had a perfect father and a perfect relationship.

Humans are free. God made us free, he did not want us to be robots and with that freedom comes the possibility that we might make poor decisions. But God valued freedom enough to give it to us and so you can be a godly parent, you can raise a child, and godly home and do everything you know to do in the best possible way.

You know to do it and your children can still make poor decisions. I'd say to the person submitted this question don't live under the guilt of past failures. That's exactly what Satan would like for us to do. But when we confess our sins to God we are forgiven of those things.

And now we have the spirit of God inside of us that can help us and guide us into what we can do now to be the best parent we can be at this juncture in our relationship. Featured resources holding onto love after you've lost a baby. "The 5 Love Languages" for grieving parents find out more about that.

Five love all right we love hearing your ideas as well as your questions and here's a practical thought about physical touch in a long distance love language paralleled languages people facing mental and overseas military or otherwise, have a physical touch language sending just online as couples holding hands or hugging her generic exchange that there really helpful to language edition like that idea Chris good good thought, yeah deal with some of these ideas in the book I wrote for the military skull.

The five love language is military addition and we talked to a lot of military couples to get ideas on how to speak these languages when you are deployed and course. These ideas would apply in any relationship where there's geographical separation and that when I hear this person saying is you send to them the photos of holding hands and kissing in those kind of things and say if I were with you. This is what I would be doing with the get it emotionally. There get it. I tell you to other ideas on physical touch that we have in that book that were shared with us by military couples. One wife said I knew his love language is physical touch. So while he was deployed. I put my hand on the sheet of paper. I trace my hand and mailed it to him with a note that said, put your hand on my hand. I want to hold your hand came home.

He said Gary ever tell them up and on that paper I filter so it's not physical touch. Literally, but is physical touch. Emotionally that's what were talking about. So this was a great idea. Appreciate the caller sharing this well that that is in marriage. I guess you have a long distance relationship is your dating as well. What about communication. Though this is one of the main things that you talk about.

The struggle in communication and that's where we go next hi Gary, comparable Eric Ehrhardt and Scott but either no communication directly elected love essay relationship will not go forward. If one party is choosing not to talk at all. Now don't know she means he never says a word. Maybe that is asked where you want to go for dinner tonight. Or maybe he says what he think we should do you want to pick up John at school he only pick up John. It's good to see many people talk logistics, but they don't talk in a real relationship talk and I don't know which of these is the case here, but there's a reason why husband or wife for that matter, chooses not to talk and I know what it is in this particular situation, but I can take some common things part of his personality. Of course, that is, there are people that by nature. They're not talkers. It appears that this husband has been talking earlier in the relationship, but now he stopped talking so it may not be a personality matter, but there are those who have a person and I called dad sees you know the Dead Sea in the in the land of Israel receives the Jordan River, but it doesn't go anywhere. And so we can receive these thoughts and these feelings and we have this reservoir where we store them and were perfectly happy not to talk that could well be a part of this, but my guess is there something that's happened in the relationship. That's because this husband to stop talking. It may be that when he shared his ideas. The wife would shoot them down. I don't mean consciously she's doing that that's the message he hears that she's against whatever he shares and therefore he is decided not to share with her. On the other hand, it could be that something's going on in his life that she doesn't know about.

Maybe he's involved with someone else outside the marriage relationship and whatever reason, because of the draw away from his wife. He doesn't want to reengage with that because he's finding some emotional satisfaction outside the marriage so I don't know what's going on, but typically there's something going on that the spouse is not aware of and that accounts for this behavior. So trying to find out what that is is a starting place. The worst thing you can do is condemn him for not talking.

It is giving lectures about we can have a relationship if you don't talk to million.

Whatever else you say to him.

That's the worst thing you can do because that simply puts the wall up higher and he closes you off even more.

But if you come with an attitude of humility and say to him something like it honey. I don't know.

I don't know what's going on inside of you. I'm assuming maybe you deeply hurt and I don't know that I know I've been on your case I know of said some harsh things to you about not talking to me and I'm sorry for that. You don't need to be condemned by me. I need to try to understand you and what might be going on inside of you. I want to be a wife that will help meet your needs and so I just will ask you to forgive me for the things I've said negatively to you about not talking to me start there and then, don't expect a conversation right away, but the very fact that you acknowledge that the kind of comment she made to him a been condemning and that you don't want to be that kind of life. It's a starting place and that noise doesn't mean that it's all your fault for not saying that I'm just saying you take the initiative to recognize that your response is not Ptolemy has not been a positive approach and you recognize that in your sorry for that always apologizing for what you see in your life opens the door to the possibility that the other person may forgive you and may begin to open up again. Is there anything in the 10 year mark with their relationship. She doesn't mention children year but I've heard five years, seven years, 10 years that things can go on with over that period of time while Chris there is some research that shows there certain points in a marriage were there's more. It's more likely that something will happen in the relationship, but none of those things are causative. They're just observations that this does happen you can be married two years and be in a terrible marriage you can be married 10 years in a marriage is deteriorating important thing is always to assess what is my part in this. Where might I be failing in this, and then maybe your parts only 5%.

Maybe the other person is 95% wrong. But if you start with your small percent, and you acknowledge it before God and before the other person you torn that 5% of the wall down between you, even if they don't forgive you because you've acknowledged it and we can confess the other person sins and we can't make them confess their sins that we can model for them what it means to apologize and accept responsibility for our part in the relationship of you heard what Gary just said just a minute ago you think that's exactly what I want to say to my spouse at, but you didn't write it down.

Just got a five love you can hear the broadcast again. Fast-forward to write their write it down and then say that to your spouse and see what happens. Just go to five love Let's flip it around.

Let's hear from a husband who now sees what he is about to lose my merit right now.

I don't really know what the art my marriage and my family and I'm hoping that some way that I can rekindle the flame and let her know that in II could be the man that she that I love this 25 years ago, but right now to fill up my life that I state this woman of my dreams I have about that might highlight what you feel like I made some mistakes but this Dr. Lipton maybe took for granted and taken for granted me in this quantitation situation is not what I envision. I don't want this my life I wanted my family think think anyone hears that color with the pain.

You know when you been married 25 years and you assume to be married to the end of the journey and then your spouse says tired of this and I'm out of here. It can be a shock and they can bring tremendous pain and he mentioned the fact that I think he use the word neglect. I'm not sure but that was a concept that you realize he's looking back on it that he's neglected her and neglected to meet her needs and communicate his love to her in a meaningful way, and this often happens, we get so busy in our work and caring for children and other things even even working at church that we can neglect each other fail to speak each other's love language in our spouse can live for five years, feeling they don't really love me, and I were just roommates living in the same house and eventually someone else comes along and they began to be attracted to someone else and often that's when they say to the spouse in a I don't love you anymore and I'm out of here. Sometimes they leave because are being abused or something like that.

But I don't think that's the case of this color, but may oftentimes they don't leave don't file for divorce until they're already involved with somebody else. I hope that's not true in your case, but often that is the case, and to try to turn it around that point can be very very difficult because in their mind they say they're saying.

I've been with you 25 years and I will spend the next 25 years like this, so you emotionally.

That's where they are now. What can you do. Yes, you can apologize, but in their mind they may well be saying and may even say out loud it's too late it's too late. You had this chance for a long time and is too late now so we can't make a person who is filing for divorce, turn around and come back and give us another chance but we can do is acknowledge our failures spell them out. Don't just say I know I failed you. In a lot of ways now spell them out. Ask God to show you what they are and then share them with them and say you know I don't know if you can forgive me or not but I recognize this and I would like to be forgiven. Obviously, I like another chance but I don't know if you can find your heart to give it to me in any kind of setback and let them think about it and maybe they turn maybe they don't turn but at least you have had an opportunity to share your heart with them and share your pain with them. Don't try to manipulate them and don't try to preach to them, don't try to force them to give you another chance because that simply pushes them away, but trust God to work in their heart, if you first let him work in your heart to show you what you need to be doing to at least open the door to the possibility that they will turn around, so this goes back to the other of the call that we had with you don't control things here.

You just do what you can with with what you can change in yourself, you know, we say this for years.

You cannot change your spouse. You cannot make your spell change that's true, but we can influence our spouse and we do every day. We either influence them in a positive way or negative way and the way you responded of in a crisis situation again. Your influence will you be negative early positive you push them further away are you will open the door to the possibility things can be better so what you're asking God for his show me what I can do that might have a positive influence on them and love is the most powerful influence in the world. If you know their love language and you realize you have not been speaking it consistently. You begin to speak their love language and yes they may brush it off and they may say it's too late, but you continue speaking their love languages often as you have an opportunity you're doing the most powerful thing you can do to influence them in a positive way. Again, it doesn't mean they will turn around, but it does mean you're doing the most powerful thing you can do to influence them in a good way. I mentioned that we love hearing your ideas. Here's an interesting question about the concept of respect and how it relates to the love languages. I am interested in finding out why the reason for how we focus too much on the laws and I don't see many books on wives respect your husband so I'm just wondering if you've ever considered looking at 35 respect languages, respect styles, I think it's very important that both God calls us to husband love your wives and wives respect your husband like that's a very interesting call. Actually, a book is already been written about love and respect and think that's the name of the book, love and respect by Emerson Egger. It's you might want to check that out. I don't know that he has five languages of respect but he does talk about wives respecting their husbands. You know there's a sense in my own thinking in which those two things are really meeting the same need love is looking out for the other person's interest. Love is expressed in five different ways to be sure, but all of them were trying to slay the other person.

I value you I love you I care about you. I want to enrich your life and respect is addressing the same need is that need to feel like I'm valued as a person.

That person does respect me. So there's a sense in my mind which those two words are addressing the same basic emotional need of the need to be cared for the need to be valued so that there's a kind of my perspectives on that but I think you might find the other book very helpful love and respect by Dr. Emerson at Greenwich and that not the easiest thing to say but it's a good use. A question about infidelity not talk about in the respect and love. How do you recover when the unthinkable happens in your marriage. Here's our next caller here. I found out everything here about American prior to that I was aware that more aware and the Internet. It is the first of all when there is sexual infidelity in a relationship. It is the deepest emotional pain that one person can inflict on another we marry, we commit ourselves to each other for a lifetime and to be faithful to each other. We break that covenant.

It's like a dagger in the heart of the person who was sinned against.

And so is not easy to just get up and go home. First thing I would say to this person is the worst thing you could do is to get involved with someone else, yourself. At this juncture, I know were hurt.

I know were lonely and often we do run into someone who shows us affection and were kind of drawn to that of the person we think okay well maybe I'm gonna find the right person. This time most common mistake I think people make is to get involved in another relationship far too soon after they've gone through a deep hurt like this color describes I would say use the next two years as a time for personal growth.

Your relationship with God seeking to enhance that relationship. If you're not in a church get involved in a church, but not just attending a church get involved in some of the small groups in that church are a small group in that church where you can build friendships and relationships and study the word together and develop your relationship with God. During this time because what you want is God's direction in your life.

Nothing more important than that. So you seek to walk closer with God. During this time, and in due time. Once there's been some healing because you're going through grief right now and grief is a dark journey. It takes time. In fact, that we're told research is pretty clear on this. It takes at least two years after divorce for us to get back on level ground emotionally so they were likely to make a wise decision for the future. So I would just say in your own mind just say I'm not going to get involved with anyone else for the next two years. I'm going to try to find healing from my hurt and my grief in my pain and I'm gonna try to grow in our relationship with God. I'm going try to enhance my relationships with my children.

If you have children if not with my brothers and sisters. My mother, my father, friends, try to be involved in things a church and serving others. This can be a great two years for you as you're going through the process of healing. You can also be using your life in a positive way and then you trust God with the future. There are some in this situation who will say why did you do that what you betray me like this and just be so angry at the spouse. Others will say to themselves, oh I'm so bad. I made such a bad decision and they beat themselves up for the person who does the data goes that route and says I should've seen this before and feels like it's all my fault I released you know a lot my fault. When you say that person, but I think a Chris that person is typically one who has already low self-esteem probably grew up in a home where they were often told what they did wrong and never what they did right and so consequently when something goes wrong in a relationship. By nature they just blame themselves and I think if we understand this pattern and then understand the Scriptures, we can come back to say well yes I'm not perfect, but I didn't cause him to do that and I just like God was perfect heating calls Adam and Eve to sin. They made that choice on their own and so you didn't calls your husband to have an affair for a year and 1/2. You've only been married two years, you could not of calls that in the six months he put you before that took place something going on in Hillman terms of his own life that explains a lot of that I dislike we bring it to God and say Lord you know I am not perfect. Not claiming imperfect and I did fail in some ways acknowledge lives to God. If you see failures, but don't let yourself live under the burden that I calls them to do this because that is not true. People make their own decisions and certainly if they've made a commitment in marriage, they should not be getting involved with somebody else to six months down the road. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman their websites. Five love again. Five love I don't know that we've ever gotten this question Gary. When couples who were older, get married, it can lead to some difficult family situations. And that's what our next caller wants to avoid Gary for 30 years over 65 and met a nice lady with both Christians and living together probably almost 2 years now. I was wondering is there both of us have all of our wills and trust and stuff all in order for our children and we don't really want to go through married.

Is there a way that you can have somebody who was legal to do so and I'll say your valves and basically what I'm trying to do is eliminate pay legal document.

So if you know something happens which I'll never will create a bunch of trouble between the family. I thought about asking the pastor of our church, but I don't have the courage to kiss you could say that like that. Thank you. To hear this, asking is because we have a private commitment to each other. That's not legal and commit ourselves to each other as married partners, but not be a legal marriage can that be done.

I don't think of ever been asked that question before obviously thought lots of people who are living together without being married, no question about that in our culture, but I hear him wanting to do the right thing and that he doesn't want to jeopardize the financial arrangements that he has with his children and the one that she has with her children in terms of the whales that they have made to me. If you if you're going to get married if you want to get married and feel like I want to be married.

Then let's make it legal, but let's just agree beforehand that his will would leave all the assets to his children. Her will leave all her assets to her children and the two of them pool their funds that are coming in on a regular basis now as they is late enough to live on them. Assuming the reason why that agreement could not be made as a part of the marriage ceremony rather than doing kind of a semi-marriage.

I would say let's go ahead make it legal, but let's just take the legal steps that and I understand and I think most couples are your age would understand. You don't financially the marriage to calls your children on both sides to be absent because you change your wills.

She would have to do that in order to be married sent those are my thoughts on the what your pastor would say, but you might get up enough courage to ask him if he may have an idea also will. I love the that he trusted you enough to to call Gary and my my question is I wonder if there is a lawyer legal expert who deals with these types of things that you could just go to for half an hour and say here's what we want to do is this something that can be done legally so that we can go ahead and get married in and like you say pool the resources and also if you make a decision. It should be communicated to your adult children before you get married and just so you know where were we feel like God is leading us to marriage. We want you to know that our wills are going to be the same God, leave all of my assets to my children just to leave all of her assets to her children so that they don't dinner. They don't freak out that they were Gary, here's a call that we couldn't air because of the phoneline issue, but I wanted to get your take on this. I've transcribed it. The caller says I'm an only child, I'm a nurse and my question is about my adult children. I have two who no longer speak to me. They're angry at me. I've heard your perspective on apology and when sorry isn't enough. But how do you have a relationship with your adult children while setting healthy boundaries, so you receive the respect as a parent you deserve.

There's that word again respect. This has caused a lot of heartache.

I want to learn how to mend these relationships to Chris for fractured relationships with an adult child are more common than we would think.

I can't tell you how many people been in my office over the last five or six years who have a fractured relationship with their adult children. Sometimes it's very difficult to bridge that gap and find reconciliation, but I do think for this mother and the specific question, I would again go back to the reality that if you do sense that you have failed your children in some way along the line, and God can help you reveal that if you're not if you're not aware of it. This asking, I think, then acknowledging those failures to your adult children verbalizing and she said that she'd read the book when sorry isn't enough which talks about how to apologize and how to apologize.

In a way that the other person can sense your sincerity because that's what they're looking for and so I think a sincere apology is the first step in seeking reconciliation, they may or may not choose to forgive you.

There they may say it's too late for you to be apologizing. I don't how they respond, but you're not responsible for the way they respond, but we are responsible for dealing with our own failures so you do that and asked them that you hope they can find it in their heart to forgive you and then having done that, keep the door open.

Send them birthday cards if their marriage send them anniversary cards given Christmas gifts, whether they come to your place or don't come to your place and then if you know their love language reach out in their love language periodically and express your love for them in their love language again. They may or may not reciprocate, but your lease doing the most powerful things you can do when you have dealt with your own failure in your choosing to love them in spite of the fact that they are not loving and respecting you at this juncture.

Love tends to stimulate love and when they can see a real change in the way you responded to them. That is, rather than condemning them for not having a relationship with you and telling them how much it hurts you, rather than taking that approach you just simply reach out and love to them in over a period of time.

It may well be that they will begin to warm up to you because they see you responding to them in a different way from the way you perhaps responded them in the past. Great answer and I could plumb the depths of that a little bit more and ask more questions but I want to get to our final call today because this caller says that many couples are dealing with the topic that she is about to describe.

I want to hear what you have to say about that. Gary here we go hi Gary, I came? You feel like walking away. I agree with your medical perspective on marriage and in the hope of navigating any difficulty for Great American carpet. My question you biblically handle a spouse with mental illness when it determined you are there enemy and will not acknowledge their illness and seek help. Many couples are suffering with this problem and I do not see much will help on this topic. Thinking, no question about it when you're dealing with the person who has the mental illness of one sort or another is very very difficult to have a meaningful healthy relationship with such a person. I think what you can do is to try to get them the best help you can get them when you say mental illness.

There's a whole lot of variation in terms of what mental illness is various types of mental illness. Some of them can be helped with medication. Some can be helped with counseling typically counseling and medication together often is the key to helping them make progress so I wouldn't give up on the possibility that they can never be different.

I would seek to find out what the local resources are that she may have access to that may offer some help to them because when you're dealing with someone with certain types of mental illness. You can't rationally relate to them because they're not rational. But if you can get help and they can be brought back to a more realistic up a frame of mind mentally. Then the relationship can be better so I think that's where the energy should be focused is on trying to get them the best help available with their particular mental illness. You had a friend who went through this with her husband both older and older couple and she kept asking that same question, how do I love him well because he was on the front side not only of dementia but all the also some of the things that were going on and for her. It came to the point where he became violent with her that she said I cannot.

The most loving thing that I can do right now is to keep myself safe and have him housed somewhere with people who can take care of him.

I can't do this anymore and that was just crushing to her because she she felt like she wasn't loving him but she knew that she couldn't keep going the way she was going there you're exactly right. Chris and I wrote the book are keeping love alive. His memories fade, "The 5 Love Languages" and the Alzheimer's journey of any form of dementia.

That book will be helpful because in the early stages we can a mostly stay connected with that person and when even when they lose their cognitive abilities. We can touch them emotionally. They can't respond to us. We can touch them emotionally. But there does come a place in which person basically the best thing you can do is what this lady is what you just said and that is find a facility that's designed to work with people with that particular type of mental illness and then you keep in touch.

You know visit as you can, but it's beyond your ability to to keep them at home for 24 hours a day and therefore, social workers and others who can help you make the decision appointment actually comes well before we conclude today I want to give you our phone number if you have a question for Dr. Chapman. Or maybe you want to respond to something you heard today 186-6424 Gary is her number?

Comment 866424 Gary love to hear from you. And don't forget to check out our featured resource holding onto love after you've lost the baby. Five love languages for grieving parents believe that a lot of people find out more.

Five love languages next week.

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