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Dear Gary | June Edition

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman
The Truth Network Radio
June 25, 2022 1:00 am

Dear Gary | June Edition

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman

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June 25, 2022 1:00 am

Dr. Gary Chapman is known around the world for the 5 Love Languages. But he’s not afraid to tackle your real-life struggles. In this podcast episode, questions about marriage difficulties, family conflict, and more. You might even hear an answer to something you’re going through. Don’t miss the questions and answers on the June edition of "Dear Gary" on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.

Featured resource: The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted

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Focus on the Family
Jim Daly
A New Beginning
Greg Laurie
Encouraging Prayer
James Banks
Building Relationships
Dr. Gary Chapman
What's Right What's Left
Pastor Ernie Sanders

Controlling like a child, my heart, my grandchildren treat me the same way, welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, New York Times best-selling author of "The 5 Love Languages" today. It started dear Gary broadcast but you Chapman takes a variety of questions about relationship struggles the downs and there are some ups and downs represented today. Yes, some deal with the lovely Wisconsin there's a slight disagreement.

A caller has particular phrase used topic of forgiveness. So much to get to and we want to make sure you know that your website. Five love we have some more simple ways to strengthen relationship five love Gary, this is our last dear Gary for a couple months, July and August their best of building relation in our featured resource today is the marriage you've always wanted. Here's a tough question.

Is it really possible to have it all depends on what you wanted Chris Goldwater's unrealistic yes you could have the records was reported. If you want a marriage where the two of you will never disagree on no good as possible to humans will never agree on everything so but we can have the kind of marriage that we wanted to have. I think the lease most of us wanted to have a loving, caring, supportive relationship with our spouse. And yes, we can definitely have and it communicates from my heart to your heart. You her heart.

That's what you're talking about, but it's the conflict free marriage is probably the expectation you need.

Let go absolutely furious because it'll never happen, you know, I think anybody who reflects will realize if you have a relationship with anyone you spend a great deal of time together sooner or later you're going disagree on something, and if we don't learn how to respect each other's perspective. We still have to agree, but we hear them out.

We see where they're coming from and then we just simply agree to disagree and we don't have to agree on everything, but will have to fight over leader well if you'd like to know more about the answer. Featured resource the marriage you've always wanted. It's really good news if you're in a hard place in the struggle in your marriage. You may be closer to the marriage you've always wanted you thought before. So just go to Moody Click on the Moody radio icon the microphone right there and you'll see it marriage you've always wanted Moody Let's go to our calls. First up is a marriage in trouble because of the demand for an apology question Gary disregards apology marital conflict than the question I have is your falsely accused of something that person still insist on an apology to give a satisfactory apology to have to make up a story about how you did something that they didn't do that since be the one way to make peace, and perhaps you can help me at this time my wife and I are getting divorced over false accusations that demand is made up of apology. Thank you. Okay so would be helpful obviously to know more about the situation enough. I went to counseling office, I was asking "what is the misunderstanding here. What is the accusation, but I think the role of the husband. In this case, if he's the one being falsely accused would be first of all to listen carefully to what she is accusing him up and to ask questions to make sure you try to understand why she perceives that you have wronged her because sometimes we hear this person there accusing us of something we don't think it's true that we really haven't understood what they're saying. So listening to her, asking questions, trying to understand where she's coming from and what she's accusing you of and why she's accusing you because sometimes if you do that you can honestly say we're hunting.

I can see now why you're accusing me of that. I can see where it came from and I can see how that makes sense now the reality is, and then you tell your side jury out what you think is the reality.

Another possibility Chris in a situation like this is that we really are guilty and there's something behind that accusation, maybe not guilty of exactly what they're saying but guilty of something that in some ways related to what they're saying and so I just think if we do more listening than trying to really understand where they're coming from and then examine our own heart.

David prayed for himself and said, Lord, show me any wicked way that's in me. Maybe I'm not seeing. So show it to me and that God certainly will answer that prayer. So there's there's there's two approaches one is listing morning try to understand the other is really asking God to examine our heart and reveal to us. Any truth that might be in this accusation, anything associated with what I'm being to stop so that I can for that.

Honestly apologize for that. What I hear you saying is listen to beyond the accusation. Listen to the feeling. For example, if his wife is accusing him of infidelity and he knows it. That's not true. The emotion that she feels is betrayal and hurt and maybe that is the nub if you if you go past what she's accused you of this not true and you say yeah but she feels betrayed and hurt.

Then you can then you can do some more investigation of that right yeah labs absolutely.

Chris had to say to her in his own words. Of course something like no honey, now that of listen to you. I can see that you're deeply hurt by this because in your mind you're convinced that this is something I did and if I were in your place. I feel exactly like you feel, so I don't know exactly what to do about it at the moment because I know I didn't do that but you know if I believed that my spell.

If I were in your shoes and believe that my husband had done this I would be just as upset as you are and that I am open for you to investigate this further, I can get investigated further. We can try to find out you know where this is coming from. So yeah your denier trying to find evidence for or against whatever the other person perceives Welling and she sees how hard you're trying to hear her and what's really going on. The other thing he mentioned that was keeping the peace. And if I just apologize and say I'm sorry for whatever it is, even if I'm lying at least they keep the peace and he doesn't want to do that. I'm glad because you don't want to just keep the peace. That's not the highest goal is communication right absolutely Chris and truth telling with each other trying to understand one's perception of truth and then trying to get at what is the truth right so that's the first way to come back to that apology thing and little bit.

This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman: number two concerns another marriage in trouble. Do you fight or do you move on about greatly appreciate that it help between Mama life actually moved back to Alabama.

She and my kid is still in California have one kid here with me, I'm still very low, now it be a better man for better Christian church and read in the Bible more and more like being a better man anymore outright back in. I would not move on.

I think that when you are in a situation like this, describes, it's terribly easy just to give up and say well, I've done all I can do it.

I am really trying to change things that need to be changed my life really seeking God. I'm spending time in the Scriptures. I'm trying to read books that will help me but there's no response.

On the other side, so I'll just give up. I would say many times people give up too soon. If you can set a time limit and I would say at least six months.

That is the site for six months I'm going to continue to seek God I'm going to continue to let him change my life. I'm going to continue to try to reach out to her when I do have contact with her to make it positive. I'm going to find out.

For example, what her love language is and try to look back and ask myself, spoken her love language and if not to ask God to show me how can I do that even in this strained situation because the deepest need any of us have is the need for love and there's a good chance she doesn't feel loved and there's a likely reason for that. And that is you may not even know her what her love language is our knowing it. You have not spoken it in a way that's meaningful to her. So I would say don't give up too soon. I say six months that's arbitrary, but in my counseling.

I have seen people when they commit themselves to continue working on the marriage doing the kind of things you talked about and being open to go for counseling if and when she's ever open to do that. I have's and trying to speak their love language.

In the meantime I have seen the other person soften up and eventually become open and willing to go for counseling so we can't change your spouse, you know we've all agreed to that through the years. We can't make somebody change we can influence them, either positively or negatively. Right now she's having a negative influence on you. You say every time you talk on the phone she comes out and is saying negative things to you no matter what you say or what you've so she's having a negative influence on you and see if you follow that influence then you just give up. But I say keep your eyes on God never gives up on us and never gives up on relationships so that those are my thoughts. I think you're on the right track whatever failures you seen in the past. I assume you have apologize for them.

She may or may not have forgiven you, but at least I think you're moving in the right direction. I would just encourage you to keep walking and trusting God.

Our program is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman and this is our dear Gary broadcast for Jen. If you have a relationship question you'd like to ask colorless near line at 186-6424 Gary keep your question as brief as possible. Will try to answer it here on the program that's 186-6424 Gary featured resource day is the book by Dr. Chapman titled the marriage you've always wanted. You can find out more by going to Moody Moody what you do when your spouse treat you like a child. Here's our next caller's prayer their controlling child and I am going my fat. I'm starting today. I know I don't like the way he fell a not know what else to do.

There is no communication and try to communicate with me. I can't get a word in edge wise so I just keep quiet and that's where I want to be near hand so much anger towards him. If he condemns any attempt on how to work with that and how to deal with every thing that would be great. Thank you Gary your son is going. I think that in a situation like this, describes it is very very painful, deeply empathetic with this, there are those of us men and women who have what is typically called a controlling personality that is their basic emotional psychological framework is to be in control to make the decisions to tell the other person what they're going to do not to ask them to be a part of the decision-making process and they do end up feeling like a child, even when it comes to money. For example, they so control the money that the other person has to go like a child and cycle have enough money for an ice cream cone and it is that feeling of I don't matter, I'm not a person here so deeply empathetic with this.

What we do about it.

That's the question and there's not an easy answer. First of all, most controllers are not aware of how their personality is impacting the other person if they're confronted with the idea called a controller that would say what you talking about I don't control things. I think the first thing of course is what you're already trying to do and you he's not giving you an audience. It sounds like what I would say to say to him something like this honey, I don't know how you feel about us. We been married 28 years, long time, but I don't I don't think you understand what I'm feeling and how I'm feeling and I would like to share it with you so that you can understand and we can talk about what to do about it but he said I don't want to hear about it.

Then you drop it for the moment. Then you come back and say to him and I tried to talk with you about this last week and obviously you don't want to talk about it.

I just want to know I'm going to go for counseling because I can't go this by myself. It's far too much for me to pay her. I'm going to go for counseling. I would love for you to go with me but even if you don't I'm going to go because I've got to have help in any follow through with it personnel you find your Christian counselor and say that you are ready to follow through with that now he knows who this is serious. She's she's moving out she's talking to somebody else about us and you've given him a chance to go with you. The mayor, he may not most of the time the initial responses he will not go with you but now you got somebody outside the relationship.

Who's trying to help people work through situations like this that you can share all of this with and come up with ideas on step-by-step things that you can do that might help him open up to look at himself and see how his behavior is impacting you simply to sit there and do nothing, but it's not going to go away because until a controller is aware of their personality and how it impacts the other person there will be no change.

So taking that kind of step is a move in the right direction that the counselor course can help you with the process. It's what happens after that. There is a place for tough love. That is to say eventually down the road if there's no changes in your at the point of of a breakdown as it were emotional breakdown that you say to him. I've been trying to get all the help I can. Obviously you're not interested in our relationship. Therefore, I'm going to and you tell them what you're going to do. It might be moving with your mother.

It might be something else and you tell them I'm not going to abandon you but I can't.

I'm not letting you by simply taking your behavior. It's just crushing me to death, and so is not a loving thing for me to stay here many times.

That is the juncture at which a person wakes up and says okay okay okay okay okay I'll go for Uncle Forgot. I'll Go for Counseling. Okay Wonderful.

Now There's Hope, Because He's Reaching out, except That Those Are My Thoughts. It's Not It's Not a You Know 1234 Answer but I Do Think That's the Direction Which No Guarantee but I You and I Think When Folks Call Here and We Love to Hear Your Request, Your Questions, Your Your Even Response Where You Disagree with Something the Gary Says 866424 Gary There Is Just This Feel Sometimes of I Don't Think There Is Any Hope Here but Let Me Just See If That Is What Dr. Chapman Has To Say and I Love That in the Counseling Office, You Would Say People You Know, I Know You Don't Have Any Hope Hold on to the Hope That I Have and Just Hearing That May Be Enough to Propel You to Take One More Step. If You Go to the Website Moody You See Her Featured Resource the Marriage You've Always Wanted by Dr. Chapman Moody Next Stop the Caller with Some Encouragement and Question Hi Gary All, Read Your Five Love Languages Book the Kind of the Marriage Eight Years and You Know I Think Start to Disintegrate and You're Seeking That Extra on the Look of the Tremendous Help and I Can All Meditate.

The Family of Three. And Just Told It Was a Big Booth and We Try to Stick to That Moving a Bookend Geologist. It's a Very Informative and Very Helpful That You Not Just a Question That Came to My Mind and I'm Trying to Figure That out Might Be a Little Bit of a Foolish Question, but It Turns out That My Food Top Love Languages, Which Is Obviously Physical Touch Irons and Quality Time on the My Life with the Bottom to and Then Vice Versa like Top to Work out to Be My Bottom When We Actually Took the Quiz and Look Pretty Interesting to See Those Results Takeout That My Wife's Top to First Form of Active Service That Hard-Core and Then the Second One Was Words of Affirmation, the Question Is How Do You Know Work with When the Love Language You Know What the Most Important. Goodbye My Wife the Least Important. And You Know Vice Versa. You Know It Came to My Mind That When You Know Will Be Both Good Quality Time Together. It's like the Homerun Know We Both Know We Fit in Quality, We Both Know That That That Love Language That Buckets Hold Box Wanted to Work One Number Appreciate the Language of Our Spouses That Were Just Literally Doing Get the Cooking of the Spouses Love Language, but You Know Deep inside Yourself. You Have No Enjoyment to Supply the Default Language Had a Thumb like That Work. I'd Appreciate You Know If You Can Address This. I'd Love to Hear Feedback on the Thank You, Gary and You Change the World. You Deserve A Lot. Thank You. Well to Hear That the Book Has Impacted That Paul and His Wife. Obviously There's Room for Growth Is Always Room for Growth. Okay What He's Describing Many of Our Listeners Can Identify with That. Their Primary Love Language Is Number Five of the Other Person. It Is This Is Not Uncommon, but It Does Mean Is That If We Both Understand How I Feel Loved When They Speak My Language. That's How My Spouse Fills My When I Speak Their Language so Is Not Important to Me. It Doesn't Communicate Love to Me, but It Does for Them What They Do for Me When They Speak My Language. If You Can Get That in Your Mind. It's Not Just a Matter of I've Got to Do This.

It's a Matter of I Choose to Do This Because I Want Them to Feel My Love. I Want Them to Feel Loved and the Good News Is, Even Though He Doesn't Come Natural for You and That Is Your Your Number Five Is Not Natural for You to Be Speaking That It's Not Necessarily Easy for You to Do That to Find out Ways That Will Remind You to Keep It on the Front Burner. Maybe Put Their Love Language on the Post-It Note and Put It Somewhere Where You Will See It along the Way. Several Times throughout the Day, or That Are out That through the Week Just to Remind You, Because If We Don't Keep It on the Front Burner and It's Our Number Five. We Will Forget It It It Just by Nature. We Won't Even Think about It. So We've Got to Keep the Concept Right on the Top of Our Minds and Our Hearts That One of the Biggest Things in My Marriage Is to Make Sure That I Am God's Agent Communicating Love to Them in a Language That Is Meaningful to Them and Remember Jesus Said When You Do These Things to Others. You Do It to Me.

You Do It to the Least of These, You Do It Today. Jesus Laughed so Braying of the Spiritual Element to Yourself. Lord, You Know, I'm Married to This Person and You Know What Their Love Languages and You Know That This Is Not Me That's Not Important to Me.

I Can Understand Why, Would Be to Them, but Lord, I Ask You to Pour Your Love in the My Heart and Let Me Be Your Agent for Expressing Love to Them in Their Love Language Listen, God Will Give You the Power the Ability to Do It and the More You Do It the Easier It Becomes Just like Learning Another Language.

The More Time You Spend Learning in the More Time You Spend Speaking Another Language, the More It Begins Become More Natural for You Will Ever Be like It Is for Them, but It Gets Easier the More You Do It so I Would Say That's My Perspective Now in Terms of Your Receiving It and You Feel like Well They're Just Doing This Because They Feel like They Have To Do It. You Give Them Credit.

It's Hard for Them. Yes, It's Not Natural for Them. That's True but They're Doing It so Give Them Credit and Don't Draw Back and Think, Well, They're Just Doing Because I Have To, Not Because They Want to Listen.

We Make Choices and We Can Choose to Go against Our Emotions and against Our Feelings and Do What We Know to Be the Right Thing to Do. So When They Do You Give Them Credit for. You Tell Them How Wonderful They Are.

You Tell Them How Much You Appreciate the Fact That They're Reaching out to You Isn't Helpful for a Spouse Whose Spouse Has Acts of Service As a Love Language and That's Not Theirs.

Is It Helpful to Make a List You Know Ahead of Time. The These 10 Things Would Be Really Helpful for Me to Do for My Spouse and and Noise As Her Prompt and a Reminder. And If That's If That's a Good Idea.

How Do You Keep from Your Just Checking off the List. Doing This As If You're Checking off the List and It Becomes a Requirement in an Obligation Rather Than an Act of Love for Chris to Actually Ask Your Spouse Honey I Got Understand How to Get Your Ears As Acts of Service. What You Might Be a List of All the Things It Would Be Meaningful for You Are Taking out the Trash Is Important to You Listed to Know What Would Be Meaningful to You.

What Active Service in the Enemy Go Back and List Them in Order of Importance One through 10 Are These the Ones Are Make Me Feel Most like Well Now I've Got Information Is Not Just a Concept but Now Got Information Exactly What Would like Them Fill up and Then It's a Matter of Choice.

Now You Know Chris, We Can Say Well This Is Not Natural for Me. I'm Just Going to Want Check off the Just Come on Doing It on and I'm Not Really into This.

That's an Attitude We Choose Our Attitude Know You Take a Different Attitude You Sent.

Now I've Got Information on How to Really Effectively Love My Spouse.

Now God You Bring These Things to My Mind. You Give Me Your Love. I Want to Express Love to Them, so Keep My Heart, Let Me Do It with My Heart and You Will Be Doing It, Not Just Because It's a Duty You Be Doing It Because It's a Love Love Is a Choice You're Choosing to Love Them in the Right Love Language. God Is Always with You When You Choose to Love People. This Is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. We Talked about the Love Languages Today, and If You'd like to Take an Assessment of Your Love Language Absolutely Free.

Just Got a Five Love

You'll Find More Simple Ways to Strengthen Relationships Right there@ feature resource today is Dr. Chapman's book the marriage you've always wanted. If you go to Moody and click the radio microphone right there you'll see more about that mood all right, here's a mom and grandmother who has a hard question about relationships and she needs a little bit of advice on how to move forward married a broken relationship or marriage ended up in divorce and the way my husband treated me. I'm my other son is not treating me the same way now as children, it's time to treat me the same life is very much doesn't hardly speak to me and I don't know what to do Christian and I'm trying to exhibit God's love that I really struggle with disrespect. No consideration, and I don't know what to do about me think I should just continue to disallow and yet I feel like I'm hurt a lot of time. I'm excluded a lot of time when I go to their home for a birthday celebration for my grandkids.

He would never know him even in the house the way the communication is my daughter wanted to meet all I ask a question she just know or have, and when I have family days at my house. She doesn't come to my house at all. I don't remember the last time she was at my house and I know I'm the mother-in-law and I know I need to be very cautious and careful how I found and how I act and I know that everybody had the privilege to raise their own children, but it saddens my heart that my grandchildren now start to treat me the same way my My son and I don't really know what to do and I just need some advice. Take good care and I'll talk to you later by calling me and I think there are grandmothers and grandfathers can identify with what she's saying.

That is their relationship with their adult children is fractured and often mother-in-law element is in their and in this case, the daughter-in-law is treating her in a similar way that her son is treating her wits.

It sounds like they don't really care to be around her.

Now I have no idea why that is true, and maybe this grandmother doesn't have an idea why this is true, he may be strongly influenced by his wife who doesn't like you and he points out to him, your flaws and because he's committed to his wife. Remember, the Bible says you leave your father and mother you rejoined your wife so he feels that commitment to her so he siding with her. I don't know that that's the case with that could be the case I think is a mother-in-law I would try to talk with your son. Sometime when he's alone and just say to him you know calling by his name, you know, I don't know how you feel.

I just want I want to ask you, why do you think that you and your wife treat me in the way you do in my reading it wrongly, that you really don't like being around me, and if so, what I do or say that offense you just try to understand why our relationship is where it is. It may be if the two of you are in private with this you raise these questions. He will respond to you and he will tell you some things that you may disagree with what he saying and you may feel like he's reading you the wrong way, but keep open to to simply listen to what he says because he will tell you the heart of what's going on there and then rather than your coming back and trying to convince him that he's reading it wrongly, you decide what you know, I really appreciate you sharing that because now I understand it better. I can see why you responded to me that way and I think if if I were in your shoes I would probably feel the same way you do. If I perceive things as you perceive them. I would feel the way you feel. And I want to thank you for sharing that with me. You take that approach.

You see, by nature, we come back to defend ourselves if he shares the things about you that is caused him to have his attitude.

We come back into what you know that's not true, and we start we start arguing with them into defending ourselves defend yourself, you accept that he has this perception of you. It may not be true from your perspective, but from his perspective.

It is true and so your expressing appreciation for his sharing that and I years say to him if I were in your shoes. This is a powerful statement. If I were in your shoes and and and sell things the way you do, I'd probably feel the same way you do. This is Eve help me understand the situation much better here that at that juncture, you can ask what is there anything I could do differently that might make things different for you since you've affirmed him affirmed his feelings affirmed his perspective.

He's far more likely to so mom just give you one thing and he'll tell you something that if you would do this or stop doing this. It would be really really helpful is now you've taken the first step in not finding him and not being defensive, but in understanding him and asking for his input on something you could do that might make things better. Having said all of this in. This is exactly what I would encourage you to do but having said all of this I have to be honest, to say one person cannot heal a relationship you cannot heal relationship with your adult son if he is unwilling to work on the relationship and their likely may come a time. If he doesn't respond in a positive way to the and you begin to make changes that he may suggest there may be a time. You just have to say I'm just going to have to back off not push myself on them if they want to live their lives with my grandchildren and them not even seeing the it's painful, but if that's what they choose that I have to respect that. If you can accept the worst in your mind and say with God's help I could live and go on with God no matter what their decision is. Don't assume it's going to end up that way I wouldn't I wouldn't assume that if you can take the approach I described. He will be more open and things can be healed and that would be my desire wrote a book called how to really love your adult child. I rode with Dr. Ross Campbell, who is a Christian psychiatrist. He's actually in heaven now, but we wrote that book several years ago how to really love your adult child. I think you probably find it helpful and I would encourage you to to read that as well.

Really love your adult child. That answer is going to help not only the caller but somebody else that's the wonderful thing about a program like this when you ask a question from your heart in your the struggle that you're going through in your relationship. It invariably will help somebody else is going through something similar. So maybe you been hanging back and you've never called 186-6424 Gary to ask your question.

You can do it anonymously sometimes will even transcribe it so that people can hear your voice. We can do that as well. Always want to be respectful of of your privacy but would love to hear your question or comment 866424. Gary now mentioned earlier Gary that we had response to a program about apologies. And here is another response to that program hello listen to your program today about apology languages and the fifth one is asking for forgiveness and you said is a an example. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me or can you find it in your heart to forgive me and that always strikes me as putting pressure on the person you're asking for the forgiveness from it's like saying if you don't forgive me there something wrong with your heart like when someone will say I know God has forgiven me.

So I hope you will too, is putting pressure on you. You know you must be a Christian. So you gotta forgive me. There is something wrong with you and I just like somebody did the same. Will you forgive me.

That's one dimension that is my only complaint program and this was especially good. Thank okay I can agree with the caller if he prefers to be asked simply, will you forgive me and I would say easier if your spouse or somebody has a close friendship with him.

Beware of that that that's what he prefers. That's the apology lengthy prefers think that's that's why information about what the other person considers to be a sincere apology is so important and so and I would decipher him share that with your wife share that with anybody else. As you have a close relationship with so they know what you consider to be a sincere apology.

I can also identify with what the caller is saying or suggesting that to say I hope you can find in your heart to forgive me or you know God is forgiven me and I hope you forgive me. I can understand why that might be interpreted to mean you've got to do this work in a putting pressure on them to do this.

I wouldn't perceive it that way.

I don't perceive it that way.

I assisted verbalizing the heart that you I hope you can find in your heart to forgive me. I realize I've hurt you very much, and it hurts me to know that I hurt you, but if it comes across that way that that statement is putting pressure on you to forgive then and I knew that that I would change my wording and I would simply say, will you forgive me because forgiveness is a choice.

We cannot make people forgive us, we can request forgiveness. I want to play something that the gentleman called again.

I don't know if it was the call that you just heard, but he called back at a different time with an addendum to this.

I don't think this is ever happened on our program before Gary.

Here's what he said I Gary I think I made a mess out of my comment complaint I should've just asked. Here's how I feel about this and what you think. But instead I came across and went that's being very critical when you am not saying this very well, but I'm sorry to lay out smoke. Do not in any way should not did not have said it differently really appreciate you and your ministry and everything and so many when you didn't deserve that. So anyhow, I look forward to reading your book and I want to say also that year.

Five love languages and can't speak your love language. The critic books focus appreciate the caller coming back and I think the link is the same person and then they say first of all, if you if you're calling to apologize now I want to forgive you. Okay and I will forgive you now, from my perspective. I didn't really see that as a criticism so it is you expressing a perception of the fact that what I said would put pressure on people so I didn't really say there's anything that was wrong, but maybe that's because I'm a counselor. Okay, try to listen to people's hearts rather than just their words so that it any right please know that I appreciate you calling appreciate your honesty and appreciate your sensitivity to the possibility that maybe the way you said it was not the best way to say it so may God bless you as you continue to build relationships in my perspective is that you will probably have good relationships because your sensitive to how you come across and how you impact people. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" are featured resource today is the marriage you've always wanted. You can find out more at that's moody Gary, I don't think we've ever had this question posed on the program before here's our next caller held captive through hypnotic influence and now she can't stand to be to have any physical contact. She's very suspicious of man and hence become this isolated because of no trust and can't tolerate anyone trying to touch or shake your hand or anything. Thanks Chris. I would wonder how she sees in the word hypnotic. Whether she's really talking about hypnotic trance that someone is put on her or whether she's just using that as a term that you I've just been so controlled by man so treated badly by man that now I have trouble even letting anybody touch me. Especially me and touch me, even with a handshake and I've kinda withdrawn from the world because I don't trust anyone and I'm guessing that it's the latter that she what I know what happened but something happened that someone so controlled her and did things that were harmful to her that now she's having a hard time breaking free from that and realizing that not everyone is like the person who did that to her. I would suggest that this person could really profit from talking with a Christian counselor and sharing with that counselor more fully what is going on in the past in your life that is influenced you in this way.

That's what counselors are for their listeners who want to hear the struggle of people and help them break the power of being dominated by the things that happened to us in the past so it would be well worth your time and energy to find a Christian counselor and if you don't know where to turn for that, you might talk to the pastor of some church in your community that you trust. You might call Focus on the Family they can help you find they have counselors there during the daytime. They won't do long-term counseling, but they can help you find a counselor in your area so it's not that difficult to find a Christian counselor and I think that would be my first recommendation for you. Also many questions that we've had come in over the last few weeks and I'd love to hear yours a response or a different question 866424 Gary we got just the time for someone who wrote another program on moody radio teaching program about a message that aired around Mother's Day and I want you to respond to this listening to your podcast about honoring your parents. I feel you should have addressed ways for the children of borderline personality disorder or other detrimental narcissistic disorders that these mothers have that cause extreme mental and emotional harm to their children. Yes, you must honor your parents.

But practically, this is impossible with parents with mental, physical and emotionally abusive behaviors. Boundaries must be put in place to protect the traumatized adult children.

Please speak practical and godly advice to abused adult children who are already filled with gas lighted guilt and shame so you can here's some of that coming out from her own experience. Gary, I want to honor my bomber dad that there are factors here that I have to have somebody help me with what you said.

Well first of all, occurs on empathetic with this is caller and a thanks for reading what they said anytime there is severe mental illness, which is what she's describing here of any sort. It presents a totally different platform. You know people who are healthy, mentally can take the principles that were talking about on this program and apply them to their lives. People who they would have to be working with the counselor who is helping them process their thoughts their feelings and their behavior in order for there to be here any any change at all because mental illness doesn't just go away with the passing of time and I understand that a child adult child who is dealing with a parent who has severe mental difficulties.

The question, how can honor them because the things they do and say you have done and said are not honorable, and I understand that.

I think however out what I would say is we can love them and love seeks the best of the other person. So, an act of love would be whatever you can do to try to get the person who has the mental problems. The help they need to take positive steps and and perhaps that's already been done and I understand that, and maybe you're the point of giving up because you tried to do that and they haven't responded. But we can think in terms of Lord, how can I express love to them doesn't mean you're honoring the person they are honoring what they've done but you you love them and love is a expression of honor. They are my parents. They gave me life. I would not be here without them.

Therefore, father talking to God. I want to be one who loves them.

So show me bring to my mind what would be the loving thing for me to do my parents. This concept applies to any relationship that may not be the pairs or maybe somebody else in your relate in your family that you're dealing with, but as Christians we are called upon God to express love to people. The Bible says God is love and God pours his love in our hearts and we become God's agents from Mayo just change the word honor and change it to live. Hard to say that love is a way before we conclude today I want to give her number again. You can leave the question for Dr. Chapman. We can call you back but you may hear you question here on the air. 186-6424 Gary would love to hear from you.

866424 Gary and don't forget to check out a feature resource the marriage you've always wanted to go to movie books.find out books and next week we began our summer and will start with the program about having conversation. Don't Miss Michelle Canfield in money big thank you to our action team time Building Relationships with Dr. Gary action radio ministry and Bible Institute. Thanks for listening

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