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Making Things Right at Work

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman
The Truth Network Radio
March 19, 2022 1:00 am

Making Things Right at Work

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman

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March 19, 2022 1:00 am

Conflict in the workplace is inevitable. And when it comes, the stress is overwhelming. How do you make things right at work? Today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, Dr. Paul White will give practical steps to help restore harmony to your workplace.

Featured resource: Making Things Right At Work: Increase Teamwork, Resolve, Conflict, and Build Trust by Dr. Paul White, Jennifer Thomas and Gary Chapman.

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What you do with the conflict you have at work sometimes you think of conflict assist big battle with lots of emotionality, but sometimes it's just this tension that we would want to do things our way, or we see our way and somebody else does and you don't know how to get around. Welcome to Building Relationships with Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times best seller. The five bloodline no matter how much you love your job or how great everyone gets along point conflict. Today, Dr. Paul White will help you make things right at work. That's the title of our featured resource book by Dr. White, Dr. Chapman and Dr. Jennifer Thomas making things right word increase teamwork resolve conflict and to trust fund out more about that and more simple ways to strengthen your relationships@ Gary you recently retired from the church where you've been on staff for 50 years.

It's easy to say hard and bitter. My guess is in those five decades you have seen a little bit of conflict at your work meeting at the church is a true tell me about all know Chris not on our church is a Baptist church. We don't have conflicts and problems. No number is I don't care what denominational church is people are in the church you know and people have conflicts.

I wonder what the Christian church will be like if we had not had conflicts and that had not handle the wails of the conflict. It's not handling the whale's lot new churches get started because somebody didn't like the church where they words are they just a group of the pulldown started another church and then later almost on the church. That's why you have first Baptist convention third anyway. I am excited about this topic because it doesn't matter where there's a church organization or whether it's a you know any kind of business people don't have conflicts.

Things are going to happen. Thing is going to get hurt and Islam excited about our interview today with Dr. White about this topic I am to and you talk about church you know you look at the Bible is one thing I love about the Bible. It's unvarnished. The struggle in the early church that was there, gave opportunity for people and I think maybe as you listen today and you filter what were going talk about through your own work conflict allow that to come asleep in that this might be something good that happens. If you can handle it well. So let me reintroduce Dr. Paul White.

He is a psychologist, author, speaker, and consultant who makes work relationships work for the past 20 years, he's improved numerous businesses, schools, government agencies and nonprofit organizations and help create positive workplaces is written, the vibrant workplace.

The five languages of appreciation in the workplace and others, but our featured resource today is making things right at work. This is going to help you. I guarantee you can find out more about it@

Dr. White it's great to have you back on Building Relationships. Well thank you, Gary. I'm glad to be back and appreciate the opportunity and I enjoyed working with you and Dr. Thomas on this book and I'm to be honest with your audience. Dr. White, Dr. Thomas they that they deserve the credit for this book okay. I was cut along for the ride on this one but I I just really enjoyed working with them. Both of you on the seventh on this book now in your speaking and writing and working with business leaders for many years now I know that that you have faced this whole issue of conflict at work on a lot of different levels right sure Gary, you know, for those of us who have had jobs for any length of time we've either seen or experienced tension and conflict at work and that can be between employee and supervisor between two colleagues in the front line. You know I employees and cortical management, or even your employees with customers and so it just part of of work. We know the past two years. Of course work as we've known it has changed pretty radically in some places talk about these changes and how they are impacting workplace relationships. The most obvious one is the changes with remote workers working from home hybrid that you have really changed the modes of medication for is like over the Internet and so forth, and also the amount medication. I think it's decreased that's made it more difficult to communicate clearly with one hunter and understand what's going on and it's also that whole aspect is really altered people's expectations about what work is what it should look like you know when you're working from home is it okay to have your pet with you. Where is in the lot offices that wouldn't be okay but I think even more important than those sort of structural changes is just the amount of stress and tension and anxiety in the background in our lives which then make a sort of more vulnerable I think to have conflict because were dealing with justice emotionality in our lives that make us certain, edgy, irritable rack react more quickly than than we normally would quit when you're working at home and there is a conflict situation. Would we be more likely not to deal with it because were not physically seeing them every day what you think. I think so.

I mean, most people there a few strange ones out there that don't mind conflict too much. But the most people don't seek it in and like it and so if they can avoid it. They will and not seeing so many not have a deal with them face-to-face makes it easier to avoid it. And so I think a lot of things and maybe sometimes in a good way sort of our left on dealt with so that you know are not having conflicts over stupid little things that we don't need to and let them flow but on the other hand, when you have a more serious issue. You need to deal with. I think people try to avoid it. And you know just let it lie and then we have to wait for's either the situation to come up again or for 70 have the courage to bring up the topic and address what, what's the goal of relationships in the workplace. What would be the ideal well yeah I think in and I talked about this when I talk to people about appreciation, the workplace look while we want people to feel good, happy, and value. That's not relieving the goal of appreciation, but I think the goal of relationships is to accomplish the mission of the organization mean that were working together as a team to serve our clients or customers or whomever we serve, or to produce products or processes. So it's the relationship aspect is bringing together different people different resources to help meet the needs for which the organization exists so in doing that, and in any business you can have many different personality types. Many age groups who are working together is it even possible to experience no conflicts in a work situation. One is a tongue-in-cheek yes and no. Yes, since there are some people in a really good at avoiding conflict and for them. They they may serve go through actively engaging in conflict but you know reality as were people. We do have flaws and weaknesses, but it doesn't always stem from that.

I mean, it does stem from different personality types, different perspectives, values, communication styles, and so I think conflict if in the maybe even use the word tension sometimes because it's not NestlÚ it sometimes you will think of conflict as this big battle with no lots of emotionality, but sometimes it's just this tension that we would want to do things our way, or we see it our way and somebody else doesn't. And we don't know how to get around sometime said in the marriage context that husband and wife will have conflicts for one simple reason.

Their human humans don't think the same way about everything you human will have the same feelings and so obviously they were going to be have some level of conflict so this is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" .

Find out more about our featured resource and I guess today by going to find love tell someone else about the program. They can hear the conversation there and take an assessment of their love language just got a five love resource we have is the book by Dr. Chapman and our guest, Dr. Paul White along with Dr. Jennifer Thomas titled making things right at work. Increased teamwork resolve conflict and build trust you find out more about it at the website. Five love Let's talk about some of the common conflicts that people have in the workplace won't Gary just like in marriage in families.

Probably the most common source of conflict is miscommunication and misunderstanding between people because enough of working together with other people as teammates to try to accomplish something we have to talk about the goal is, however, to get there, what the cost is no set serve a task list and all that takes communication and it just multiplies the probability of misunderstanding and miscommunication, especially when there's multiple people involved versus just one on one, as well as a complex situation so clearly miscommunication, misunderstanding is probably the number one I would say the second one is that that aspect of having different perspectives and different backgrounds and different values about how a test should be done. What's most important.

You know, we need to get done quickly or do we need to get it done exactly perfectly or is 80% okay and so you have that and then there's also the issue of different expectations mean you have met people often event sales events are a marketing event and some people can have expectations away. It should look and how to go and others will have differing ones and and they may not be happy.

And while some else feels really pretty good about it. So I think those are three certain key themes for where conflict comes in the workplace. Now just thinking about my own relationship with my administrative assistant. For example, sometimes I would say to her I really want to get this done as soon as best things possible.

And it's halfway through the day and she had worked on it and we had a different idea about what as soon as possible. I was thinking within the foot within the next hour likely to work on this. You know she was thinking today. Today is it just simple things like that right that it didn't have to be an executive in and sort of what is good enough and/or even know when you're putting together many marketing materials or decorating for event you know what looks good is very different to different people and you can have some conflict and tension about that or disappointment as well from your research. How are people most often offended in the workplace. What this was one of the sort of secondary benefits of using the five languages appreciate the workplace that found along the way that the ways that people prefer to be valued and showing appreciation are also the ways that they are most easily offended, set it sort of thinking about you know your server primary mode of communication. If it's in a radio and you get it from that you get both positive and negative information or the TV or newspaper. Whatever the same thing if your language appreciation is words then your tend to be a little bit more sensitive to constructive criticism from others in the doesn't take as many words to impress you and so you can actually be offended if somebody sort of comes at you little harder, or quality time where you really value getting together with others and if you're left out or not invited. That's an opportunity for offense and and so forth. So it's been interesting to observe that that finding out a person's primary language appreciation also gives them some clues about when and why they might feel offended and different interactions. When you bring up the languages of appreciation, the workplace, let us talk about that a bit because this of course is as we know it was a spinoff from "The 5 Love Languages" in a marriage, and where it's been really taken the love languages to work but were: appreciation languages because work relationships are different from family and marriage relationships but but talk about that. The five and and let Mr. Speck get those on the on the front burner.

Yeah, I think overall. One important thing that we've learned is that in the workplace. Just knowing a person's language of appreciation often isn't sufficient to really communicate appreciation or encouragement. Well, that there are specific actions within the language that are important. I think in personal relationships.

That's true as well, but it's a little easier to find out what those actions are, whereas asking a coworker enough.

I want to show you appreciation. How should I do it. That sort of a weird question our culture so I'm trying to do that. Or maybe watch them and see what they do, or whatever, there's not that many data points but we found this for each language.

Different actions really are important and make a difference of how impactful it is a person.

So, for example, words, and so you can say something to somebody personally or you can write a note but in the workplace. A lot of people don't want to be praise publicly. So in front of a large group. I mean, we found found that about 40% of employees don't want to go up in front of a large group to be recognized and appreciated that. It's really negative for them and even for some people.

Among their team members like in a team meeting or a conference call to be praised for a Jennifer way to handle that difficult client and really manage that. Well even for some people that kind of public affirmation is not what they want, so getting the actions right so you have words. Time is an interesting one that would found over time. Just published research on looking at the age differences of appreciation, workplace and for some people and you know Gary you and I are a bit older and are in the different generation were not millennial's, and that for for us and our colleagues time with their manager supervisor was really important that you felt valued when you got individual time to either ask questions or to be able to give some input, but for younger workers. That's not the case.

Most the time they really value time with their peers and their colleagues and so that we found that the younger employee was the more likely they were to choose quality time is there language of appreciation up to 37% for those under 30, so again the action is important as well as language, acts of service, you know, is an interesting one, because it's about one about every five employees have acts of service as their primary language and I had a CO to me is my languages getter done. No, don't tell me stuff the give me stuff to sell me things done, but a key part about acts of service is you need to ask before you do it. Don't assume that you know what you see need to be done is what needs to be done and you need to do it their way. Because sometimes you know someone is doing a task, whether it collating reports and stapling it and filing all that they're doing a different order than we would in this situation if you want to be help and encouragement you want to do it their way versus say will let me show you a better way to do it. That's not really that encouraging typically say when. Do it their way, and an interesting part about acts of service, workplaces, culturally sort have this response that if somebody asked if they could help most people's first responses know I'm good, that's okay. It's a sort have to push through that a little bit, especially if you're in the upper Midwest.

Mr. Martin in the Midwest where we were working on sort of want to be independent and self sufficient, but doing it their way and for people who have acts of service as their primary language of appreciation that words actually could not only be neutral, but they can be negative because if you just praise them and never help out when there trying to push on the project to finish it. It becomes a negative to them. They say that you words are cheap. You have tangible gifts is the fourth language that is in this situation. It's not bones is it's not raises is not anything big like that. It's really just small things that show that you're getting to know the other person. I think that's another sort of important difference here that appreciation as we talk about authentic appreciation is about the person, whereas a lot of people are familiar with employee recognition programs are large about performance. You reach goals you have certain performance metrics eat meat, that's fine. It's good.

We want those. But you know were more than work units were not just serve there to produce things that were people, too, and so gifts really can bring that out.

Interestingly, guesses a very low frequency of people choosing as their primary language.

It's only about 6% and but gifts along with another language can be quite meaningful, but the key Ferguson workplaces.

It has to be personal it has to be about them versus if you give everybody the same thing at Christmas or whatever it really doesn't mean that much and it really is.

It's the thought that counsel could be something as simple as you know, bringing in their favorite cup of coffee in the morning or when you order pizza or bring in donuts for the team you make sure you get the kind that different team members like cavity member that's in a gluten intolerance would always get pizza that is gluten free. Or it could be about their hobby and find that their learning had a sale or their group and plan a spring garden so you get them a magazine that's related to that. So it's not a lot of money typically can even be free to make immediate found that video on YouTube or a website that about what they like and you send them the link to that so gifts and be very powerful when their use correctly but by themselves. People say if I never hear anything. If nobody ever stop spicy hot doing or help me out. The gift feels pretty superficial and then the last one that we always have fun with his physical touch. I was telecommuting finish with a group hug of that's, you know, physical touch. As you know we we talked about it and what were again included in the model for the workplace and you you were firm and I agreed with that.

We don't want to create a touchless society even in the workplace that appropriate physical touch can be deeply meaningful in the right relationship in the right way, you know, and play with children with in health settings in long-term care settings. We know that's true. But most of the time and this is another reason included as it happens I mean and that's largely spontaneous celebration right, it's a high-five when you finish a project or a fist bump when you solve a problem and so it's there, it's less than 1% of the population choose as their primary language, but for a lot of people, especially our friends and colleagues that are Hispanic or from southern European cultures, Italian, Spanish and Portuguese Greek you there more physical than their expression, and so could not touch one another feels very cold and mechanical to them so it's always the recipient gets to choose whether or not they want to have appreciation shown that way but it it happens and you know it's different regionally in the South you give side hugs a lot in the in the northeast peoples are just not across room say hey and that sort of visit with so I think it's worked well with I think we learned along the way and have been able to help people communicate authentic appreciation in the ways that others really desire. I think that the concept as it has helped so many couples and marriage to understand that what makes you feel love doesn't necessarily make your spouse feel the same concept is true and the work relationships that You may be doing something or saying something yet to them and in your mind you're expressing appreciation in their mind they don't get it because that's not there primary appreciation language so it's been very encouraging to see many businesses are picked up on that particular book that you and I wrote together and are using it you and consequently creating more positive emotional climate in the workplace. In the end.

The interesting part. Along with that with the remote and work and working from home is we know that connectedness at a personal level is really important for people to stay at the workplace that one research study showed that 79% of people who leave their place of employment side, a lack of appreciation is when the main reasons are leaving and even more so recently there is an article out of Bloomberg business that found that I in the sort of great resignation time that people are not leaving for more pay their leaving because of the culture and a toxic work culture where people really don't seem to care and are connected and so were helping organizations use that language is appreciation the greatest sense of connectedness because people are connected to other people more than they're connected to an organization or even a mission. Paul want to jump in here and asked the question of something.

I spent a long time ago on the very first place were I ever worked and it was office romances and what happens when somebody in this department starts to date somebody in that department or everybody's together, and the conflict that can come from that that bromance did do you deal with that at all in the in your study. Now I let Gary deal with that you know more and more organizations and it's actually more the case than not have rules internally about those kinds of relationships because it does create really a dual relationship you might have somebody who reports to another person in the organization and if they become romantically involved. That obviously interferes with sort of the objective aspect of business kinds of decisions and so most workplaces these days really limit any kind of external relationship with people you work with the challenge with that then is you have family-owned businesses right and those I worked with for a long time where you have multiple relationships because their father and son or siblings or mother in the centerline and you have the same dynamics but is not romantic but it still has that dual relationship aspect.

This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.

You can find out more simple ways to strengthen your relationships by going to find love You'll find some great resources there seminars by Dr. Chapman. You can hear podcast of the program and find out about our featured resource. It's titled making things right at work. Increased teamwork resolve conflict and build trust. Just got a five love were talking to leaders and managers and owners, among other people today.

What are some of the tools that a leader can use that might reduce the amount of conflict in the workplace where if we think about the most common sources of conflict and one of those being this communication obviously tools that help us communicate clearly with one another are great. Foundational starting point in the note, that involves active listening, which is essentially the process of checking to make sure you've heard and understood correctly, what's going on with another person and and then sort of that back-and-forth that you you you know if you didn't hear right they can clarify that in the end that as a simple starting place can really avoid a lot of tension conflict because largely most people miss understand what the person is saying or communicating that they want done and then as you work it out. It creates tension down the way so I think that's a great starting point that one is that sometimes we know we don't understand you know it's like they said something, but were like I matter and so I think a phrase that I found really helpful is it.

I'm confused here in the part that works well because it's an I statement versus you know you are not communicating to me clearly know that arming them a few troops that you don't say it is a site you know I'm confused here, and that can either be about. On the one hand you say you want me to do this. Maybe get this report done on the other hand, you're telling me that I need to straighten up our resources and both are you number one priority. I can have two number one priority. So help me understand which one you want done first or or anything like that. We served juxtaposed to opposing options or even just that I'm not really clear what you just told me to do so could you say it may be in a different way. I think that's a helpful phrase that can help move things forward. So there's clarifying that thing could be both a leader and the worker there's a leader might say after if it's a group meeting and he is he or she has given some guidelines, what to say to somebody in the audience what ought not to me what you heard me say correct that you taken the initiative to clarify it and on the other hand what you just described would be the worker who actually taken the initiative to say, let me make sure I understand what you're saying but clarification is the big issue absolutely, and I think the other part is managing your own internal thought process about what your assuming about the other person and why they're doing it. Sometimes we can create negative assumptions that lead us to probably conclusions that are not correct about why they're doing it but but that's another third aspect of not just communication but our assumptions about what they mean or what they're trying to do so. So how do you deal with that. You know you we all have assumptions of people if we work with in a while we have an idea will know they are very very specific. They're very detailed, or they're not very detail they overlook details how do you deal with these perceptions that you have people I think that the first thing is to just create a rule in the company that you can have negative assumptions about okay so you know that be nice which rendered to serve regulate people by rules, but I think there's two kinds of assumptions that they get in the way one is the assumption about their goal. Their motive so for example if somebody shares you had an event that went on in your debriefing it as a team and summary share some things that didn't go as well as expected in OT member who maybe was part of that and help make that happen say you know they're trying to make me look bad in front of somebody else versus another possible motive or goal is a list let's figure out how we can prove this for next time. So the communication may be the same, but how the person internally processes it is different in an end. In this second part is sort of people's motives for doing things and why are they doing this is it that there one to look good for themselves. They you have a malicious intent or in other just trying to make things better and that whole process seems to me to be highly related to trust in the relationship that when we have trusting relationships with our colleagues, which involves knowing people to some degree makes that go better or worse if we don't trust them, then work more likely to maybe infer Valentin put in the book we talk about indirect communication and how this sometimes causes problems in the workplace.

Can you give us some examples of that.

Yeah, you know Gary when we did some research on toxic workplaces.

We found that indirect medications sort of one of the core factors that actually sort of helps she will help grow a toxic workplace and the reason is that it's not that indirect mentation sort of morally wrong in and of itself, but it's it's not an effective way to communicate it. And there's different types of indirect medication right there is sort of the saying one thing and sort of meaning or inferring another hoping that they catch what you're trying say it's like what you know that didn't go that well and where's they may really mean you know we need to talk about that this was not good or telling a team member that year communicating a message to them to communicate to somebody else for fear of a negative response immense or like you know tell Jim that were not can get that product out for two weeks in our know is due this Friday, but is just not can happen so you tell Jennifer to go communicate that to him and you know then you have the problem of sort of shooting the messenger, the person gets a negative message and are angry about it and then they ask why in the messenger doesn't necessarily know why. And so it interferes with effective communication to be able to deal with that and I think 1/3 kind of indirect medication have been so workplaces going around somebody to get the answer that you want you know that your supervisors already sort of taken a position about no you can't take your vacation. You know, between Christmas and New Year's, but you can ask their supervisor.

The manager who maybe doesn't know all the details so that you get the answer that you want and all of those just create really lots of relational problems. Communication problems that that one that just being served by a birds nest of of of tangles you can still speak the truth they speak speak it in a kind way right. You know, and that reminds me back to the goal of relationship summary. We talked about it's the mission organization, but as Christians. Another goal is to love those around us right to be kind to be servants to help them prosper and sometimes as Christians I think we get so engrossed in the work aspect of our work about getting tasks done that we sort of forget about the kindness part which is a problem you mention the whole concept of service, which is a central theme of course in the Christian community. At least we talk about it you know who may not always have a serving attitude, but we talk about a person who chooses to have an attitude that one of my things in this business is. I want to serve the people with whom I work and I want to serve our customers. That person is seems to me, would likely create a much more positive atmosphere than someone who was simply just getting the job agree and I think part of that is that it when you're serving somebody and they see that you're interested in them and in what is important to them that builds trust because when issues of trust is only used three C's. We talk about this and in the book, but trust is extra combination of competence can the person do the job and you shouldn't trust me to do open heart surgery because I don't know how to do that right and then and then you have a character which is not only integrity but in the workplaces assembly looking out for my interest as well as their own. I don't think that they have to look out for mine instead of their own. But you know, are they considering weight and that's why people you know and historically haven't no trusted used car salesman or other like that because it felt like they were just to get a sale. It didn't matter what kind of car we got right in the third part of it is consistency. You have a competent person, but if they don't show up regularly if they don't get the work done on time then it's hard to trust them and we talk about trust not being all or nothing, but is very situation specific. But I think when were servants we communicate that character that I I'm interested in what's good for you and so it helps build a trusting relationship. There we hope today's program is encouraging to you about your workplace like more information about the topic just got a five love The title of our featured resources making things right at work, increase teamwork, resolve conflict and build trust.

It's written by our guest, Dr. Paul White, along with our host Dr. Gary Chapman as well as Dr. Jennifer Thomas. Find out more at toy. I don't know if this happens a lot of places, but what about when there's a pattern of deceit in the workplace and let me reframe that little bit. I think it's more common that somebody within the company may be acting deceitfully or part of the company. There may be some but I don't know the whole organization is built that way, but clearly there are people who are, you know, trying to achieve certain goals regardless of how they get there and I think it is challenging as an employee, or even a leader in an organization you know what I do here and in this we think about the Stephen dealing with those kind of issues in life. I think the first thing is to go slow in reacting right to not just automatically react either verbally and make accusations or emotionally. But the check to make sure that your understanding the situation correctly that you have all the information that's necessary for you to make that current conclusion because sometimes, especially as were further down on the organizational ladder.

We may not have access to all the information that went into certain decision and so we may not know that there are certain laws or rules or regulations pass that changed that make it now okay to do this or whatever and I think asking questions is helpful to specially to the right person and not just asking questions serve all over the shoot off an email to the CEO, a writer, but you know and using that certain I'm confused on one hand we say no work focused on customer service, but on their hand. We got this process where it clearly leaves the customer out and called me and help me understand that either. I don't understand the process.

Writer my observations are wrong, and sometimes you know to to say I am concerned about this as I see it, and then I think in the next step is to clearly pray pray for wisdom because too often you at least me and my personality type. We go often sort of just disaggregated to God's work for them and you bring righteousness and the lease or to just mess it up and in the way because we often don't do it in a kind and loving way you speak truth in love, and then not only pray for wisdom but seek out wise counsel.

I mean, it doesn't have to be somebody in the work organization, but somebody that you trust that they understand in organizational dynamics and the kinds of things and say you know my see in this writer. My missing something in my overreacting and you know, not that we want to drag her feet when things are being done correctly, but I think for a lot of people serve overreacting or acting too soon before they really accurately no situation is more of the risk. I remember the account of a manager who was sharing with her husband that her assistant was just not hacking it just wasn't getting the job done and she talked with her and it still wasn't happening and she said her husband.

I'm just going to fire her and her husband said well why don't you first of all spent a little time with her and find out if something else is going on in her life might be affecting that and so she did. The next day she spent time and found out that the that the ladies that her assistance son teenage son was strung out on drugs and she was deeply, deeply concerned about it. Didn't know what to write about it.

And now that the manager realize what's going on, so she makes effort. Let's find a treatment center. She helped her do that. And in due time that assistant became one of her best friends is exactly yeah you're right on target with the jury because when I speak with groups about appreciation and there are situations or people that you that are difficult appreciate me for whatever whether it's personality style or you don't see that they're doing the job and one of the things I encourage you to do is get to know the person. Because appreciation is about the person and maybe they're not doing the job like a sugar maybe not in the right place. And when I was a carpenter for a while have no visual spatial skills that always like you didn't take too long to figure out this is not the way for me to go and was I was a bad person necessarily just didn't have the skill set and so getting to know the person. I think it is huge in this whole aspect whether it's appreciation or conflict resolution because we as we get to know people. It helps us understand their perspective on the situation so that we find out more about their background where they came from and maybe even experiences that they've had that you know they came out of an organization that the managers in the management wasn't trustworthy and so they bring that to your situation and so they're always questioning and always are battling because they've just had this experience that you can't trust managers, but understanding that helps you be able to frame it differently and and respond differently as well. Dr. what you wrote this book, along with Dr. Jennifer Thomas and she came up with the apology languages that people have different concepts of what in the pot. Sincere apology looks like. Let's talk a little bit about this and how important that is in a work setting it's it's an interesting concept, Gary because I talked to some different people about this in that we got served mixed messages on the one hand and some people said well in the secular workplace people don't apologize because they don't ever admit that the wrong thing so it's like a nonstarter for them for us as Christians. I think it's it's sort of when we've messed up right and we need to make it right and whether or not we messed up intentionally or was just an unintentional mistake or oversight that we should've included genome another person on the email response and we forgot to. And now you know it created some problems or even offense and apologizing about that, so I think there's some wisdom needed in the situation about both accepting the responsibility to apologize for our own actions, but not necessarily expecting others to apologize in the workplace.

If they're not followers of Christ because it may not really be certain part of how late move through life. So we talked about apology, but what about forgiveness was that look like in the workplace. We know we chose not to use the word forgiveness very much. In the book, because in our culture. The word forgiveness is sort of it emotionally and memory laden word for for some people who maybe grow up in the Catholic Church. It's going to mass and taking the Eucharist and being forgiven and there's guilt around that in for evangelical Christians. It might be, you know, asking Christ to forgive us for sins for a lot of people and maybe even people who aren't currently followers of Christ. They've had experiences with the word and its often not a positive one so weak, Josie is a word letting go of hurt and anger and offense and its necessary because if we carry around all that sort of hurt and pain and angst from all the different kinds of times that things haven't gone right. I mean it's just a burden and so we we need to let go of holding a grudge if you will mean that it's not fully forgiveness. It isn't in our understanding about letting go of that grudge against the person so that we can move on and continue to communicate and relate to them in a positive way. But what we talked a lot about conflict in the workplace. But can conflict at work actually help build the team absolutely gave been factors a fair amount of research that shows that workplace cultures and teams that allow and even may be sort of create some tension and conflict create a better process and better product. And the reason is is that if conflict sometimes comes from different perspectives. We need those perspectives to understand how somebody else may view what were doing or the product that we have an being able to bring together differing backgrounds, different expertise that we sing will yet from a visual point of view, this looks really good, but practically it doesn't work as well if it's got no one leg versus two legs, whatever it might be and so actually having the ability to work through differences of opinion of perspective is critical to actually creating good processes and products and if you have a culture that shown this research that you have a culture that doesn't allow for that it can really lead to some failure kinds of results because people aren't allowed to ask the question or raise the point that you know what about the safety of this is this really what we want to do.

What happens if XYZ happens and then it creates hurt or accident for somebody so understanding the importance of different perspectives is really important to value as a team and as a leader versus feeling like your personally challenged about something semi-disagrees. It does mean that anybody is wrong, it just means it got a different viewpoint and in that sense, conflict can build a better relationship, but twice we come. Toward the end of our program. I will ask this question. What you see as the future of work in America in particular, what would look at our immediate circumstances. I think we need to just expect this is things are good and continue to be unstable, unpredictable a lot of change and for those people who were laughing structured and build a plan. 36 12 months out. Hang onto your hat because I don't think that's going to be happening and so that creates you know some unsettled goodness and tension within the workplace. That's just there because of the external environment and so I think we need to understand that I think we have to some degree, and we give each other little bit more grace of dealing with things when they're unsettled, but along with that, I think we got some challenges about how to stay connected interpersonally with people and we can do zoom calls and we can have meetings about no budgets and task lists, and all that but when were remote a lot a work working in different places.

If we don't have sort of those informal personal conversations, everything sort of deteriorate to just treating one another like work units and it's just like did you get this done in a wise and this done yet. I needed done a different way. Whatever.

And we don't have those chats about what you do this weekend or how your kids doing and you know your mom getting better and those of the kinds of connections that we need to intentionally pursue because I'm really concerned about a number of large organizations they working ago you know remote hundred percent and that's fine. On one hand but I know from expensive working on some totally remote teams that it never met each other. It's really hard to work together well because you don't know one another as a person and I really believe appreciation is from person to person.

So trying to communicate appreciation in that situation actually doesn't work very well because it feels weird doesn't feel authentic, you may be able to show recognition for performance but appreciating them as a person isn't there and so I think there's the risk of disconnecting and then people are more likely to leave and also more likely to have problems. We did research that we found where during the initial stages of covert people who were working from home and stay connected at a personal level with their colleagues fared better from a mental health point of view and attitude point view than those who were cut off from their peers. So I think we've got to keep that in mind, and it's not just about productivity getting things done, but it's about the health of the organization. The health of the people in our organization, so finding a way to keep those personal relationships just as you were saying that I'm thinking okay maybe we can have some zoom break times 15 minutes must be exactly like 15 minutes and let's talk about family have things other than business. Well this is been.

This is been a great discussion. Dr. White.

I really appreciate your being with us today. I am excited about this book.

I think that whether your leader or manager in business nor whether you're an employee, I think this book is going to help individuals relate to people in the workplace in a more positive way.

Thanks for being with us today.

Thanks a much friendlier you have some relational struggles in your work.

This is a resource that will give you some practical help title again, making things right worth increased teamwork resolve conflict, build trust by Dr. Paul White is been with us today along with Dr. Gary Chapman Dr. Jennifer Thomas just go to five love and find them and next week I'll take your phone calls about your relationship, don't miss our March edition dear Gary, in one thank you Janice time for their production work today. Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman's many radiance condo in his nation with many public ministry in the Bible and

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