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Raising Teenagers - Dr. Gary Chapman

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman
The Truth Network Radio
November 13, 2021 1:00 am

Raising Teenagers - Dr. Gary Chapman

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman

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November 13, 2021 1:00 am

The transition from childhood to adulthood is difficult. If you have a soon-to-be teenager in your house, don’t miss this edition of Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. The teen years are full of physical and emotional changes. How do you navigate them? Hear wisdom from Dr. Chapman as he discusses “Things I Wish I’d Known Before My Child Became a Teenager.”

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If you have a child is about to become a teenager. Don't miss today's Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman for the deepest questions of ever Xmas is one of my children turned out they can help you sober where you welcome to building a relationship on the New York Times, the five LeBlanc teenagers can often feel like a roller coaster ride dealing with ever-changing emotions to figuring out how to balance independence with responsibility.

Teenage years, full of struggles as well as joy for parents more prepared the better. That's what were going to help you with today from the man with a lot of relational experience. Dr. Gary new book is our featured resource. "The 5 Love Languages" .com is titled things I wish I'd known before. My child became a teenager again.

Five love driving a lot of parents give you courage today with preteens as well as parents of teenagers who were joining us.

Maybe even grandparent tell me your heart behind putting this book together. Chris I really had the desire to help parents and as you said grandparents understand what's going on inside of a teenager because often we sell you neither argumentative or their emotional are all these things, you know, and we don't understand them, saying that you completely understand them but realizing that it's a common. The common threads that teenagers go through and his parents if we know these things beforehand. First of all we will not be shocked, and secondly will have some ideas on how to respond to those things and so that's what I'm looking this can be a practical book will really help parents of teenagers are those who are about to become teenagers and yet you're not trying to say. Here's how to make here's out. I have a mistake lists parenting experience just because a lot of times you and you said this yourself, you know, I made some of the changes that I've made in my life and the best times with teenagers a bend when I've made a mistake and I've had to apologize right absolutely Chris that's my experience. You know that when I realize what I blown it. You know whatever way to come back and apologize for my teenager man when you do that you're teaching them how to apologize and they're going to need it because they're not all be perfect either. So yeah often it begins with apology for failures and then we move on down the road to the next time you note this part of the program. I usually say our guest is an here's all about them. Here's why you listen I can't remember the last time I actually gave a full bio for you on the programs I would do that and that means world.

I have two minutes left of the cut it down just a little bit here, you lose this Dr. Gary Chapman, author, speaker and counselor has a passion for people and for helping them form lasting relationships is well known marriage counselor, director of marriage seminars.

Five love languages is one of his most popular titles, topping, various bestseller charts for years. I think the New York Times bestseller list.

Since 2007 it sold more than 20 million copies.

He's been directly involved in real life, family counseling since the beginning of his ministry years and his nationally syndicated radio programs aired nationally on Moody radio's been married to Carolyn how many years it been now 16 years now Chris and she's only 49 what is the other thing you you just retired officially from the church where you are associate pastor for 50 years. That's incredible is well. It is especially in a Baptist Church with all due respect to my fellow Baptists. But here, but here's the good news. I retired but they don't let me keep my office legal give me my assistant to work with me and I want people do what I've always goes. I love it always set on the program if you do anything you want to do you do what you're doing right now and that's not going, not going to in his quote unquote retired and if you ever quote unquote retired, I wouldn't believe it is some more things numerous books written about anger the family have always wanted the marriage of always wanted desperate marriages. God speaks your love language parenting your adult child over the separated you a co-authored a book on apology with Dr. Jennifer Thomas, your graduate of Moody Bible Institute. You hold BA and MA degrees in anthropology from Wheaton College in Wake Forest, respectively, MRD and PhD degrees from Southwestern Baptist theological seminary and you have completed postgraduate work at the University of North Carolina and Duke University to children to adult children to grandchildren still live in Winston-Salem, North Carolina that I get any of that wrong.

I get tired just what is the new soil is all that experience and all that education and all the traveling and the speaking.

I know you identify and empathize with parents who right now are wondering what in the world happened in our family things were predictable and manageable. And then we hit the teenage years when you say that parent today say I can identify with what you're saying. I thought I was pretty mature until I had a teenage son that I realize not a lot of growth to the remote life so you know I'm empathetic with parents who are struggling and some who are sitting there and saying you mean really mean things really change in the good to be teenagers at all. Yes, things really good settings so I really am excited about this book because I know that many families do struggle in these teenage years, and Ellison all teenagers are different and so I don't mean that you struggle as much with some teenagers who do other. I'm just trying to give the common things that I've that I've learned through the years that had I known before I started this journey with the teenager would've made it much easier yes, but things have changed. Gary, you know the differences in technology and communication, and then in on the last couple years with Cove Ed are the are the principles the same as when you were raising teenagers as they are today. I think the basic growth patterns in a teenager are pretty much the same is that the culture has changed and obviously were dealing with different issues. For example, when my son was younger. We didn't have nearly all the social interaction online and all of that, that's going on in today's world and I deal with it in the book because I think we have. We do have to deal with that because teenagers are influenced greatly by the culture in which they grow up, and as parents we have to recognize this and what are the strengths of our culture. One of the negatives in our culture and and help guide the teenager through these years. At this juncture in our culture. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" are featured resources. Gary's new book things I wish I'd known before. My child became a teenager. You can find out more at Gary, I will start with a really practical question before we get into the book and I think it's on the mind of some listeners today. Some parents who have heard from their teenager. I don't want to go to church. I don't want to go there you can go there all you want but I don't want to go to church and the child. The teenager digs in his or her heels and says not for me. When you do in that situation never been there, been Chris didn't say we didn't go to church but are centered and will go to Sunday school. Here's the way I responded on that one and I think I did fairly well on this particular one. I said to him you know there quite why do you not want to go Sunday school and he said because it's boring and I said explain that to me and he told me of the teacher gets up and talks and talks and sometimes I don't know what they're talking about and is just boring and I said you know, I can understand that. I said I've been through some boring classes myself us of some of them were in Sunday school summer were in college is kind of boring so I can understand that. I said, but to let me limited just to share this with you. You know on the father near the sun right but he's not initially invested in you know that I love you very much right is nodding his head. I said, and in the final analysis, I said I want to hear what you're saying but in the final analysis, the father has the make of the major.

The final decision and I think you know that I love you and I can understand why you'd be bored. I said, but in our family we go we go to Sunday school and I said now you have a choice. You can sit there and be bored, or you can start asking questions, get the teacher speak about some things that you have questions about and you maybe you can make it less boring, but we do go to Sunday school and are in our family, and he nodded his head and walked off.

You and the one Sunday school now, what makes that work is that he knew I loved yes and I and and I also clarified through the years on several occasions this little on the way you are in a family. Mom and dad want to hear the child. We want to hear the teenager we want to know what you think we want to know what you're feeling. We want to know your ideas, but in the final analysis, because we are parents we have to make the final decision on some things. Okay, so I reiterated that along the way he had that picture and so that and the fact that he knew that I loved him if they don't feel loved by you. Then you can say whatever you want to say in handling everyone handle it, but that the chances are they going to persist in whatever whatever their ideas so that whole thing about a teenager feeling loved and that's why you have the five leveling to teenagers. The earlier book, and I just reiterate a little bit in this book about that but discovering your teenagers primary love language given them heavy doses of that language, and then sprinkle in the other four because you want that teenager to learn. Here are five basic ways you express love the people. So what the receiving love in those languages.

We want them to learn how to speak those languages that's going to be the healthiest adult who grew up in a home where they felt loved and they learn how to express love. That's one of the best things you can do for a teenager in the team those years unites interesting as you talk about this and then as you go through as I go through the book I'm seeing this come up again and again and again and that is a lot of times the mistakes that we make his parents with teenagers is our own fear. So for example with that with your son.

If you're so afraid that people in the church or go your your pastor there. If you're so afraid that the people in your church are going to see you and your son not going to Sunday school. Then you make that the priority of of him being there. Rather, you made the priorities stopping not being afraid to ask the question will tell me more about that and then listening to it. The fear will keep that distance between you and the teenager, but listening and and really wanting to hear from them will draw you closer together. Chris there few things that are more important between a parent, teenager then for the parent to learn how to listen to that teenager's sleep typically and by nature when they say things we don't agree with. We come back and we hit them over the head with it and we tell them that you know that's not true.

Now we culture different from that unit and what we preach to them in the teenage years. We need be listening to them because first of all, they're going through a change in their own brain and their learning to think logically essay learning they're not there yet their learning to think logically we say they're argumentative, but really the reason they're questioning you on various areas of life or you've taught them things religious and otherwise, is because they're thinking about these things and in their mind, something doesn't make sense. And so that's why they're there. Coming back to you and telling you I don't understand that that that makes sense to me but if you listen to them and listen to their questions and listen to their viewpoints and listen to their feelings and you can honestly say to them, you know, I can see how you'd feel that way.

And if I were in your shoes and at your age. I probably feel the same way you do about it but let me share something that I've learned along the way but because you listen to them. Then they far more likely to hear whatever you have to say. But if you don't listen to them and you disembark back at them when they say something like I'm not going to church anymore. You say get that your mind young man, do you not you going to torture my son you will you you preach to them.

You drive them away and then they go to church but they sit there and resent every minute of it. So we learn to listen to their concerns and listen to the things with which they disagree with us and we affirm their thoughts and feelings. It doesn't mean we agree with them but we affirm their thoughts. I can see how you'd feel that way I can see how you think that I can see how that make sense in your head. Now you not putting them down your commending them. They have thoughts and they have feelings and you can see how they could feel that way and think that way. And now they realize you're respecting them as a person you're respecting their thoughts or respecting their feelings and therefore more open than to whatever you have to say. After that, that's a huge shift Gary in a parent's mind to be able to get to where you just went with that and let me tell you that the featured resource today. Things I wish I'd known before. My child became a teenager.

You find out more at five love that's the first thing you wish you'd known that teens are developing the ability to think logically so you're saying when your teenager challenges you and comes back and says that didn't make any sense to me.

It's that it's a perfect opportunity to listen to them and it's a teachable moment for both of you right absolutely, Chris, and we should be glad that they're sharing with us what their thinking even though it may come across as being critical, you know, if you are something you've taught them.

We should be glad that they're sharing those things with us because now we have a chance if we hear them. We have a chance to talk with him about it and share another perspective and to say I'm just glad to see you're thinking about things like this let let's say that there that it is a religious question or spiritual question, and maybe they've met a friend at school.

Her own line though, something, something has another religion. And maybe they read some things in there so you know I think there's religion. Listen to this.

I think this is really good and rather than say well, but no way to master Christianity. When I was telling about what is it you and you say you know that is a good thing because, listen most religions have some good things and that is a good thing about that religion maybe we should learn more about that and so didn't get a Christian book that deals with other religions.

Dr. Irwin lutes wrote a book on the other religions that fit for young people to understand and so you look at all these religions and you see yes the positive things but you also see the negative aspects of them. Now you're helping them by giving them information that they can read and but they're excited now to read it because they been thinking about something or heard something so you listening to them and then giving them information that will that they can read and you can discuss further.

You helping the faith of the Christian faith become bearers and not yours and somewhere along the line they make that decision. You know, John, Trent, Dr. John Trent uses word pictures and what I hear you saying that is at when the child is younger preteen years. What you're doing is you're looking face-to-face with the child in your teaching them. This is the way walk in it and in making helping them make choices but making some of those choices as well when when they become a teenager. You're beginning to turn and your your side-by-side with them as you walk and they make their own choices to either walk beside you are not that your your side-by-side. Does that make sense. Absolutely. Because your trailer more say they feel like they're moving toward adulthood. They know they're not adults. It but they're not children either in their mind they know they're not children, so when their children. You know you were instructing them. Yes, when they get to be teenagers going to question what they were taught, and that's okay. It's a good thing because unless they question it, and then come to affirm it and accept it for themselves then is this road for them. They're just going through the motions, so it has to become personal and becomes personal. Through the process of them thinking about it. Looking at other aspects of it, talking with you about it.

Your listening and then then there listen to you and then they come to cite you. I agree this this is where I want to walk our walk with Christ and we quit we can't make our children become Christians but the way we treat them in the way we process spiritual things within during the teenage years is extremely important which takes us to the next and I know that you wrote this chapter, but this chapter early because it is so important. I wish I'd known the culture greatly influences teens and eight and this is where we can talk about music. This is where we can talk about social media and online. What is it that you wish you had known about cultures influence Chris. I wish I known that what's happening in our home is the first base in terms of the culture of the child what's happening beyond the homeschool church online and all of that is going to influence the child as well and when they start talking about things that they're picking up at school or online again. We need to process it with them because it's all a part of them coming to explore and learn and grow and we want them to, to learn and grow.

So I think when it comes to to technology. For example, will be. We don't want to condemn technology. We will look for the positive things about technology, and when they come to you and knows and say to you you on any topic sent to what what we say we can find out about that. What will you this week. Look online and see what you can find out.

Look online and see what I can find and then we'll talk about that further so you know you're making use of technology. Our are also if there going on the trip.

For example, to select make me a picture might release one picture a day and a and send it to me while you're gone, or fear going on trips you you have that arise with them you will send them one picture where you are.

So the other thing I would say is during the teenage years, especially during the teenage years. There does need to be boundaries on the use of technology in the home.

For example, one thing that we felt strongly about and course we were facing technology nearly like go we we are now, but that our dinnertime, then the phones are down. The screens are off and were spending dinner eating and talking with each other and share a challenge terms the site that's everybody share one or two things happen in your life today and how you feel about it those conversations in our family. We had them every single night we had dinner together. I know having dinner together can be bought in and of itself is hard because we got all the sports and all. Everything else is going on and we had to shift our dinner. Dinner earlier or later, but we really worked on this and our children grew up to say some of the best memories we have were sitting around the table talking and sometimes our son would bring friends home from college and we still did the same thing with a game of visitors game and they would say to him later made your folks thought that all the time commitment. We never had conversations like that. Our house but it's just a natural time you note to to be eating and in talking with each other so have some boundaries with teenagers you can you can decide what boundaries you will have but I think there should be some boundaries of the whole family does this together and you can process things much better when you have a time to talk.

It's so easy though Gary for parent to make you know let's say my child listens to rap music or my child listens to what whatever fill in the blank of whatever it is that you don't connect with and make that the number one thing and miss that what their heart is being drawn to the end and again we come back to listening right Jan I think that Chris would it understand that the teenage years there moving toward independence.

Now they're not independent to be sure, but there moving toward independence and that's why they may say I don't want to sleep in the same bedroom of my brother anymore. I want my bed in the attic or the basement or somewhere else because they want to be different you and it church they may say if you been sitting together as a family. I was, I want to sit with my friends at church. Well to me at that. That's a positive thing is certain there moving toward independence and and they may also cite winter use.

I will go to godowns and see grandmother this weekend. I miss out on ghostly grandmother is boring down there and you say honey, you know, here's one thing is one place where will have to say we don't have to. Good answer grandmother because we love grandmother I understand is boring a little bit but maybe you can find some things this time you did fine last time. So there's some things that you're going to be okay to keep the guideline but there are others which are going to say yeah that's it. That's a good thing. But with that independence comes responsibility.

So if you agree to set up their bed in the basement, then there should be some responsibility that every week they're going to dust the furniture or sweep the floor or back of the floor you you decide what because we also want them to learn responsibility. They get to be 16 in the going drive the car okay maybe is the family car. Maybe it's one you help and the buyer. Whatever.

But with that freedom you that independence to drive the car there's responsibility.

It may be that they have to wash the car every Saturday before noon or 2 o'clock.

Whatever you decide, and I certainly have to abide by the by the laws yet speed limits and all that and that they need to understand beforehand that if you get stopped for speeding, you will lose the privilege of the car for a week so in any other law you break the need to know there's consequences to to what we do.

Time responsibility along with independence. You help on the move in the right direction. Let's face it, when you get to be an adult. A whole lot of responsibilities. You're afraid you're out there down your old is an adult, but a lot of responsibility so want them to learn independence and want to learn responsibility. And during those teenage years great training time for both of those I program is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, New York Times best-selling author at "The 5 Love Languages" you can find us online@ where you can take an easy assessment of your love language plus find our featured resource. Today the book by Dr. Chapman things I wish I'd known before. My child became a teenager just got a five love throughout the conversation I've been listening to you through the prism of the love languages and feeling love that's one of the things that you been talking about. I wish I'd known how much teens need to feel loved into the love tank concept and then you just talk about independence. Toward the end of that last break. Let's go toward social skills. I wish I'd known. Teens need to learn social skills what you mean by that Chris is more important today than ever because if they only spend time online.

They're not developing social skills are good distraught if you hear what one is learning how to express gratitude were to give skill learn that there's not a gratitude gene yet to learn how to express gratitude and give a lot of practical ideas here.

What if you said to every member of the family. You may have two children are more give each one of the sheet of paper, and they list the name of each family member and then this week I want you to write down three things that you appreciate about that person. Okay, there we come back in the end the week and we sit around and that each other and we share. We read them out loud in the presence of everybody. Three things I appreciate about dad three things I appreciate about mom and sister and brother. It's it it's these kind of things simple little things that help them begin to see positive things in their in their family and an end and here's another one. What is a parent says you know sometimes I feel like I grumble too much, rather than being thankful so I want to give you the next three weeks. I want to give you kids the freedom if you hear me grumble. I want you to society. Mom, I think your grumbling that I think you're grumbly okay because I will woman I will get rid of grumbling and I will start being more thankful so it's those kind of things that you can build.

You know this.

The spirit of gratitude because sometimes teenagers can be really grumble yours and not seeing much to be thankful for. Another one is teaching them the skill of asking questions, asking questions, you know what I found is that the children who are taught how to carry on conversations by asking questions of other people are the teenagers would grow up super super relational value never met a stranger that stays a stranger. They asked questions, and we've actually give some questions in the book the teenagers can ask other teenagers is in conversation with them, but also it can be developed in the home to say Johnny, you got five minutes to get with dad and ask him any question you want to about his childhood, or when he was a teenager there. He goes and starts asking their questions that gives the talk about the things that he didn't write the things he did. It works all right you know and how he regrets that that whole issue of learning how to ask questions because you uncle Bill relationships as an adult. If you don't learn to ask questions and then along with that is the skill of listening listening when other people are talking you are listening you are.

Give them your full attention and, incidentally, when you are talking to your teenager and they have your full attention in your phone rings and you answer your phone when you're talking with your teenager.

You just communicated them, someone out there is more important than you. I know that's not what you're trying to communicate not know if your medical doctor your own call.

I know you got take the calls okay but at least say to the teenager. You know I got an emergency here but hang on because as soon as I finish his own to finish our conversation which says of them. You are the most important person learning how to listen and then also the skill of kindness and I define kindness as words and actions that enrich the lives of other people kind words kind actions. Teenager learns the spirit and attitude of kindness is going to have a much easier adult life because they will learn how to express kindness to their family. Eventually, there's their spouse, their children, that the social skills are really really important during the teenage years and if I don't develop them in here. Here's where technology works against us because it's so easy to build to take all your free time and be online doing something online. And if that gets to be a pattern. Let let's say a video games. If a teenager spends all their free time on video games. They will carry that into adulthood and it will not bode well with their marriage in their marriage. So again, moderation in terms of time online but developing the skills give them something to do rather than simply being online. Yes, this is really helpful because as you talk to Gary. I'm thinking about my own childhood preteen years and interacting.

I buy had two older brothers that were out of the house by the time you know that II came into those years and when you mentioned that thing a few minutes ago about independence. I remember moving downstairs. You know, we had moves kind of of of one level house, but we did have the basement but that was where they had stored everything from the depression you all the canned goods.

If the apocalypse came. My parents were going to survive and I said I want to move down there and they let me down with the mice in the anything else was gone. I guys to this day with all the dust you know I still have no sense these and that they let me do that and now as you as you mention that I realized I was separating from them. I was I was asking for my independence and they gave it to me, even though they probably didn't understand what I want to sleep at the still greater absolutely. Whether they are conscious of what they were doing or not they did.

The positive thing because they were encouraging independence. Here's a problem though that you discuss in the book and this is going to probably touch a nerve with a lot of Lotta listeners and maybe maybe more men than women. I don't know.

I wish I'd known. Teens need to learn how to process anger and the reason I form it that way is that I think a lot of adults haven't learned how to process their anger. I can identify with that because I was one of those adults and I share this pheromone story in there because my son was 14, maybe 15. I can't remember exactly but he and I got into an argument and I was raising my voice and him and he was yelling at me and I said harsh things and he said harsh things and in the middle of that you out argument in my yelling at him. He walked out of his room and walked across the living room and walked out the front door and slammed the door and when he did, I woke up and I said oh God, I thought I was further along than this yelling at the sun. I love and I just started weeping and distilled eventually got on my knees and pour my heart out to God and ask him to forgive me for yelling at my son, saying those horrible things in and you know I have a deep appreciation for the cross of Christ because God forgives us when we come in repentance and eventually when my son walk back in the house. I don't know how long it was maybe an hour answer dear could you come in here minutes on and he did and I apologized and I said son I want to apologize for the well talk to you. I said no father should ever talk to us on the web. Talk to you and us and I said some harsh things to you that's not the way I feel about you. I said I love you very much and I said I just I feel badly about what I say in the way I treated you. That's it. I just want to ask you to forgive me and he said dad that was not your fault. I started that and I should not talk to you that way and he said when I was walking up the street. I asked God to forgive me and I will ask you to forgive me and we hugged each other. We cry and we cried. And then I said Derek let's learn how to handle anger in a better way.

The next time you feel angry may just say dad, I'm angry. Can we talk and I'll sit and listen to in the next time I feel language you also Derek anger can we talk and that was a change point for us and we learn how to sit down and listen and talk our way through anger rather than yelling our way through anger. I think you're right there a lot of adults to spend especially the fathers.

I think who who have never learned how to handle their anger and so they handle it in a bad way with their child and their teaching their child effective your child is yet if your teenagers yelling at you, you might ask where did they learned and for me it would say they learned it from me Bill Gates so apologizing is often the first step in helping a child handle anger because they see us apologized out their learning. Apologize there also learning that that's not an appropriate way to handle anger and you said this every dear Gary that we've had when a parent calls up with a question about a teenager or adult child, and that is your your son or daughter that that child is leading you someplace good in your own heart. Don't think that just by fixing the situation you know that that that's the only thing that's going on here there something that God is doing inside of you, and that story that you told about Derek. Just then, it strikes me that the Holy Spirit was working in your heart and in his heart simultaneously.

And that's why you two could come back together. Absolutely Chris out of often said that was one of the saddest nights of my life and one of the happiest nights of my life. Sad because my own behavior. Happy because of his behavior in a member because I'm realizing he is sensitive to his own failures and is asked God to forgive him and is asking me to forgive them and I knew when he got to be an adult he would need. You need to learn how to apologize he would be perfect either.

So yeah that's huge. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" were talking about Gary's latest book for parents things I wish I'd known before. My child became a teenager. You can find out more at that's five love Gary, you spend a whole chapter discussing the importance of parental modeling, we kind of talked about that you know with your relationship with your son, especially while why is that so important what happens to a teen when they have a poor model and their parents, Chris, what we have discovered is that a child is far more impacted by our model by which I mean our behavior the way we process life than they are by what we say to them, so that if we are telling them you know you do this and this and here's what we do, but they don't see you living it out. They got influenced by your model about what you said if I got out to you Chris, one of the one of the deepest questions I've ever asked myself is one of my children turn out to be like me. I made some significant changes in my life when one ourselves a teenager for that. With that very question. For example, such things as which we discussed earlier. What if they grow up to handle anger the way I handle anger.

What if they treat their spouse the way I treat my spouse. What if I drive a car. The way I drive a car. What if they have the same work ethic that I have.

Once I talk to other people.

Well, talk to other people that these are the kind of question that the whole issue.

What they responded.

Alcohol and drugs.

The way I do.

What if I have the same kind of relationship with God that I have. It can help you sober up to where you need to make some changes in the way your modeling because the greater the gap between what you teach them and the way you live, the less respect they have for you because when they hear you give these platitudes how you ought to live in there. They say that how will you live there far more influenced by the model. So I would just really encourage parents to think along those lines.

Because, listen all of us are in process.

None of us are perfect and some of us are rather strong in one area and rather weak in another area, but if we think along those lines that do I want my teenage son to grow up and handle this the way I handle it it will help us know where we need to be working and we need to be changing because as adults we continue to grow or we continue to regress. We don't sit, stand still as as an adult and as a parent, especially, we will be growing through this time and that's why again apologizing to our children when we do things that are not good and is there this into an apology if they hear you as a father or mother yelling or screaming or speaking harshly to your spouse and maybe you apologize to your spouse in private. But the key is in here the apology, they heard the other next night after you apologize to your spouse and the kids are sitting around the table.

You say to them under last night you heard me speak to your mother in a harsh way, your father and I want you to know that I apologize to them last night and they forgave me and I really I'm grateful for that and guys I will ask you to forgive me because teenager should never have to hear their father speak to their mother like I spoke to your mother why you talk about them getting it there getting and anybody who comes over and eats at the table that night when you say that another child is feeling that it strikes me, Gary and I know you wrote your memoir recently to but how much of what you're saying here your own mom and dad modeled for you. You caught from them and gave to the next generation right yes and they were not perfect parents but they were loving parents and they didn't know anything about love languages, but they did know I love you, but there are things of course I had learned the negative thing like my father.

I don't ever remember hear my father apologize now there weren't many times that I think he had to apologize or should of apologized but But that I did not get from him and that's probably why again I knew I was following his model. When I was yelling at my son. Yeah they were perfect parents but they were good parents. They were Christian parents and I knew they love me and my sister there were just two of us, and I've always been grateful for the impact that my parents handle me absolutely. Can you say a word about the one of the big concerns.

Today mental health. How can we help the teenager be emotionally and mentally healthy and and when should we be concerned.

Yeah, I think Chris you know teenagers going through a lot of exposure today to all kind of things is not just the home of the home influences. Most important, but there are out there in the world at school either being accepted or rejected. Hearing negative things said about them in the same thing true online and they can begin to get an image of themselves and nobody likes me. Nobody cares about me, oddball. You know it, it can affect them emotionally and begin to show up in their behavior and whenever you see things in their behavior that are troubling. This is the time to try to find out what's going on and school counselors can be a help but obvious if Eunice if you're in a Christian school. Most of them have a Christian school counselor which is just ideal.

A good place to start, especially if some of it's tied to things that are happening at school we shouldn't take these things lightly. If we hear them talking about I don't know what I don't know how should lay over different kind of comments that indicate in their thinking things here that are not good. We don't need to let it pass and we don't need you so you gotta get that are your head that we want to find it. What makes you feel that way honey. You know what what leads you to say that and listen to what they're saying then you will find out what's behind that behavior. When you send the parent who thinks you know I have the 16, 17-year-old, and everything you're saying identify with, but it's too late.

They made some big mistakes in it. It's just it's too late to to to be in their life again and have any County influence. He said that Chris, as long as we're alive it's never too late and I think the place to start is with an apology and sometimes run into this when there's been a divorce in the family and that fractured abdomen. It's painful to the children but to go back and apologize to them for the pain that you calls to them often. That's the first step in rebuilding a broken relationship and as you begin to rebuild.

They come again to trust you to come again to listen to you, so it's never too late to apologize for past failures and to let them know that we want to be different in the future if they would allow us to spend time with them would like to do some fun things with them depending on their age. Of course, where they are in the journey. One other aspect of this that I want to get to before we end here today you say we should know that teens need to learn and attitude of service. I set some important Chris.

I think it's pretty evident from studies that individuals who serve other people are happier people than anyone else. Life's greatest meaning is not found in the accumulation of things Jesus said that life's greatest meaning is found in relationships. First of all, with God and then with others, and when it comes to others.

The joy, the sense of satisfaction is in helping others serving others and Jesus said when you serve them. Your serving me the whole attitude. Our lifestyle of service is where we find our deepest satisfaction in life.

I was walking across the campus of University of Virginia some time ago I was speaking in Cabell auditorium and across the across the doorway of a side door know that building etched in stone were these words you are here to enrich the world and you impoverish yourself if you forget the Erland and I thought that's exactly what Jesus taught, serve others as upset as I serve. Do you see Jesus actually verbalize this, the Son of Man did not come to be served. He came to serve and then ultimately to give his life a ransom for others and soaked following the attitude of Christ, that we are here to serve others, and teenager can learn that by watching you serve others. You take them with you.

If you go to work in the food printer this weekend. You take them with you.

If you're going to take food to a neighbor or if you're going to mow the grass for neighborhoods in the hospital or anything any service you're doing you let them know what you're doing and take them with you from time to time and let them see what you're doing, they learn again by your model well at this point the program Gary you always think the author or the speaker who's come along. I will do the same with you. Thank you for pouring out your life and mining your heart with these things for parents and keep doing what you're doing friendly and will meet again next week. Okay look forward to Chris once again the title of our resource things I wish I'd known for my child became a teenager. Find out more at five love and next week Nancy Demoss walking with provide fresh insight Christmas songs you know and love. Don't miss the conversation. I thanked today to Canton and went for their work building relationship with Dr. Gary Chapman radio in association with many publishers. Many vitamins think

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