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November 6, 2021 1:00 am
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Today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, a fresh look at dating and the Christian anything worth doing, whether it's going to school, finding your calling all that takes work and it probably will take a few days at least for you to meet the right person, but again God wants to empower you with his grace and hardened with in the search welcome to building relationship. Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" today our guest says you can toss the book about Christian dating out the window. It's not as complicated as we made it so says Eric diameter is written, our featured resource.
How should a Christian date find it that five love languages.com and Gary's and we open the phone lines each month and you answer questions.
This is one of the recurring questions that your*absolutely grew smarter single solution to the program. I have questions about grading as well as other relationship so I'm excited about our conversation with Eric Linea producing Eric diameter DEM ET ER is a relationship and conflict resolution specialist with advanced studies in mediation, peacemaking, and negotiation from the Korbel school of International studies at the University of Denver and peacemaker ministries is currently a missionary with youth with a Mission or why why am based in Athens Greece where he disciples young people from the Middle East and teachers conflict resolution and healthy relationships to why web staff and missionary students. His experiences growing up listening to heavy metal working alongside ex-convicts and being raised in the Roman Catholic tradition give him the ability to connect well with people of diverse relief systems. You go here that today he considers every reader a friend and challenges everyone to become more like Christ in everything they do.
So if you go to five love languages.com you'll see our featured resource. How should a Christian date. It's not as complicated as you think you provided@ 5lovelanguages.com Eric welcome to Building Relationships. Thanks so much for having me there you have a wide range of life experiences is grist for shared tell us a little about yourself and why this topic is something you're so passionate about yeah you know I had a mentor wonderful mentor said that he passed away at an early age, but he was a professor of family therapy and he took me under his wing in 2000 2001 and he just poured into me was really helpful in my healing process taught me how to date well taught me how to communicate well.
His his passion for relationships was contagious so I think that that affected me a lot and I saw when I became a Christian at 21 I I looked at Christian dating and and I was a Christian dater myself and I saw that there were some gaps I read some really really good books and I saw that I could also contribute to the conversation with with my unique experience. You know many of us are familiar with why whale man this Chris, did you spend a lot of your time in Athens, Greece, and you spend some time here in the state. So were just delighted that we can have this conversation with you today to speak a word to the Christian singles are out there.
I think a lot of them sometimes feel like they're left out when they go to church but the pastors preach on marriage and parenting usually have sermons to single adults look to say a word of encouragement to them.
Yeah, that you're a whole person. Whether you're married or not you can be just as much mature and complete, being single as you are married. Sometimes, that the church touts marriage is the be-all and end-all, and you sort of arrived in life. But just because you're married doesn't make you mature, it just makes you married so you can lead as fulfilling up a life and I serve God love people love you know your friends, your family and leader really rich life.
Whether you're single or or decide to get married and what you mentioned earlier do you read a lot of books on the dating from Christian perspective. But what we gotten wrong typically about to dating from the Christian moral perspective. I want to speak into that same time.
I have to be very humble and in my criticism because I'm part of that Christian single dating crowd.
I think one of the things that we do though is will be over spiritualize our language we can use God at at times now.
So instead of just saying hey I like you, what you would you want to go go out in the dates and offered up some people instead of using that clear questions say stuff like God told me this and God told me that I see that God might have spoken to you. And that's great and I never want to know challenge how someone heard from from God because maybe they they did. But the thing is is that that kind of spiritual over spirit scriptural language is not helpful in dating, so we need to be clear and we need to speak from our heart because I don't know really any woman that wants to hear God told me to ask you out. I think that woman would say well that's great that God thinks that what you because it probably communicates audit really want to do this but told yeah yeah and and when we break up, you know, some sometimes we play the God cards that you know God didn't give me peace about your God said that I'm not going to marry you again maybe he maybe God did, but people want to know why it's what you think.
And so we sort of used God as a hook to get what we want and we can use him as an escape hatch. When we want out so you don't believe that God is given us 10 Commandments of dating yeah I like to say that God didn't invent dating that we did our culture did, but he definitely still cares about how we get there. He cares about the process. I mean, God created marriage and he loves Mary she loves relationships and he used his dating forward, for better or for worse, to get people married but yet the Bible primarily focuses on marriage and who to look for in a spouse and I talk about how to actually date and I think God gives us a big yard, you know, if you think about big yard, God gives us a lot of options and different ways to to date different ways to meet people, but there is offense and that's God's moral boundaries.
So I think that with in that sense with within God's best. Within the scriptural mandates we are free to try different ways of updating and see what what works for us what you think. There's so much confusion about dating in the Christian world as your question, I think that there's a lack of teaching, I haven't heard many sermons on singleness and on dating I've heard maybe one or two on scene singleness from you know up front from the pulpit. I heard one or two but not any on dating and I think that the that the church has such an opportunity to invest in the lives of steeples and those two are our dating. So I think we we need some good teaching some good preaching. Often churches date they they deftly care about marriages. They care about. When couples get engaged but I think that they enter the relationship to late so I think that they need to enter into and disciple singles who are our dating before their outreach engagement. Thanks for joining us for Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" if you like to know more about our guest or learn your love language go to our website.
Five love languages.com today. Eric diameter is helping singles our featured resources.
His book, how should a Christian date. It's not as complicated as you think. Find out more at our website.
Five love languages.com that's five love languages.com circulation earlier that dating is a cultural thing that is is not failed in all cultures of the world. We have a course in the Western world what what you think is the value of dating or what is the purpose of dating from from your perspective or Christian perspective, asking that the value is that you get to know someone in hopefully a safe and environment and you get to go on different dates and that helps you choose me if we were raised in a culture where prearranged marriages was the norm. Then I think we would do it.
You know, totally totally different.
They actually commit. First, as opposed to we sort of have a slow hello you know a slow burn. So there are plus buses and minuses to both and I would say that the main benefit of updating is you get to build that that friendship with someone and learn about them before you actually commit for four marriage and then learning can be true even if the dating relationship does not lead to marriage. Right yeah all all healthy dating is beneficial.
You can learn a lot about yourself about what you value. So even if the relationship doesn't make it to marriage done in the right way, you will be added at a good place and be ready for that for the next person hopefully won't take too many dates. He will probably take take some, but leaving a dating relationship well will prepare you for the next house. Your book different from some of the other dating books that are out there on someone. I wasn't a Christian until I was 21, so I dated outside the church became a Christian I dated in inside the church so I feel that God's given me this the ability through his grace to speak to new Christians.
You know, and to even speak to to those of outside the church, but also being a Christian for over 20 years that I can speak to those that has been following Jesus for quiet quite a while and there's many good dating books your your book of five love languages is I quote that in my book. So that's an amazing one.
I go into not just who to date a lot. Dating books talk about all these are the red flags know these are the things to watch out for this is this is what what the Bible says about sex. Those are all great. I talk about those things but I just don't talk about who to I talk about how to date was an important but good Christians. Dating right will.
We want to glorify God you know in in everything that we redo the unit first Corinthians 10 where Paul is saying that. So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, you can glorify God so well your dating is messy, and often it it is our imperfect we can glorify God radically we can save ourselves pain. I like to say you don't have to commit all your own mistakes because I made plenty of of them for you. You can't remove all of the pain in dating their book.
There will always be risk, but there are things that we can do to to save ourselves pain and there are things that we can do that can make it easier what you think are some of the things that are specially or Christian daters end up getting wrong won't say something that might be controversial that two strong Christians don't necessarily form a good relationship and that's the mentality that things must work. You know that Masoud Christian there a solid Christian at that some way that that equals a good relationship but I like to say a relationship is a relates she can ship so is how you relate and just because they follow Jesus and you theologies of course, that's the foundation that that you deftly want to start with but that doesn't equal a good relationship. I mean II talk about a cheesecake you know in in my book and with the writing ingredient baked in the oven you you if you have an amazing cheesecake but I like what Sabe two. But what Sabe is a great ingredient, but it goes well on sushi, not on cheesecake so you so you have two strong Christians that don't necessarily form a a life-giving relationship of words you can have the same commitment to Christ. But there's a lot of other aspects to life under his control of the obviously but to but if were going to have good relationships. Those things are important also for you sooner book that we don't always have to call it a day to don't have to use that word in order to go out on what we think of is that as a good will want to make the point. What I like to talk about the nuance of dating because there are gray gray areas.
One reason is that different cultures mean you know understand dating to be different. I know agrees that the evangelical couples they don't announce that the quote dating until their engage because the Savior dating means that you actually having sex sows like yet