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BEST Marriage - Anthony Delanely

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman
The Truth Network Radio
May 15, 2021 1:30 am

BEST Marriage - Anthony Delanely

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman

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May 15, 2021 1:30 am

If your marriage isn’t all it could be, don’t miss this edition of Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. Former police officer, Anthony Delaney believes that if you have lots of conflict and you’re wildly different, there’s still hope for you and your spouse. How can you achieve the “BEST” marriage? Find out today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.

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If you are imperfect and your spouse is imperfect, then, is a healthy vibrant marriage possible to get the best out of this relationship. I need to see this of the person's been a blessing while at them today to encourage him all, how can I share how I'm feeling what I'm thinking what I'm going to listen to what they are also thinking, feeling, and then know how do we seal the fund of my vision of the love that we have regular physical welcome building relationship with Dr. Gary Chapman here at the New York Times bestseller the five languages struggling in your marriage don't have a vision you want to hear Anthony and Elaine talk about the practical relationship the best marriage is the title of today's featured resource. Five love PST cross to talk about that subtitled why settle for less. That's a good question that you have dealt with through the years, counseling, writing so many settle for less marriage. Don't Chris that's true and I think part of it is that they say to themselves, spouse, whomever you think you can never be better and better all round two counts number one their spouse can change because their human and humans change the second leg overlook.

I think, is they have a role in making the marriage lasted or better. And so even though the spouse may, at this juncture not be open if you're open, you can have an influence on the other person so I'm excited about our conversation today, I am too and I want I could just listen Anthony Delaney all all day long because of the way he talks, let me introduce him.

He served as a police officer in inner-city Manchester, England for 10 years before going into church leadership. He now leads IV church which is the church planting movement. He also founded launch church multiplication catalyst, the global community drawing together hundreds of church and network leaders to be inspired and commissioned to multiply disciples, leaders, churches and movements is an author.

He speaks and teaches throughout Europe and Africa. He's married to Sally and they have three adult children and for grandchildren OFA welcome to Building Relationships. Thank you very much Gary thank you Chris. I remember of my time was there with you, and I was speaking in England and being in the one of the churches with which you work, and so it's great to have you on today so tell our listeners a little bit about what you do and why you do it well yeah I very excited to be able to share with you in that business today from Manchester, England. The church that I lead IV church was actually founded in 1893 when the young man told Oliver Brookbank Bennett Cambridge University where he actually heard the good news of Jesus Christ St. DL Moody, who came across with Sankey and the two of them did a very short gospel tour at Cambridge University on this young man turned his life around and then started a church house church meeting.

That thing grew and grew and then he actually built the building which was the one starting from, and in 1893 paid for the whole of himself, knowing as much it cost. Except he did a really good job on the I just left an incredible legacy of faith, which over the years we've been building out I'm from Manchester originally was a police officer here for over 10 years that I was a became a follower of Jesus Christ himself called and sent a full-time ministry so I was ordained in the Church of England letting various settings all around the country and then 12 years ago came back here to Manchester to the city and suck on IV and since then we planted out a number of congregations made in different places all over the city. That's exciting remember being in that church and sing the plaque on the wall and are assigned to being married course I'm a graduate of Moody Bible Institute. So that was the real exciting moment for me when I realize the history of the church, but you know what's great is to say that you and of course many many others through the years have built on that foundation and are reaching out now. In other places as well. So as you speak and travel around the world given a suit, your state of the union report what's happening with marriages that you observe what I think probably more in depression than perhaps they as a being it thing that that before the pandemic. There was already a lot of pressure on marriages unless they pressure it used to be that there was suppose that send capital forces, which is the idea that there be things that would keep people pushed together. No societal expectations on it all just traditions. Perhaps almost thing to start to fall away more and more over the decades so that now there's less pressure to stay together, but I feel it is a lot more pressure. Even now to pull up all old couples up as that was fresh as it ceased so that the pressures to stay together. There's been a lot more pressure to pull apart nothing people as you is Chris said, and he answered this last year so I've been testing times we've all been three testing times and with marriages. Some people may be wondering whether or not that relationship will actually stand that test some of gotten stronger, and I certainly feel. Thank God the hours has Manzella's base not been easy and that's why talk about the book that we've been married for 34 years now and it set its a wonderful relationship and yet it set me hot times in our ups and downs and yet we still going to still going to get that which is made you think. What matters is whatever we go straight we make this commitment that we can do our best go through it together thing that marriage is as a say such a is a commitment is a covenant, but also that they can be that it should be the best in many people. I think just feel out loud I'm not getting the best so maybe I should give all wearers actually think is weak as we aim to get back to we find one day that we are heading towards the best, which is really what the books all about now.

I certainly agree that today's world is a lot of pressure just to give up. You know things are going well and you're not happy and they don't get better in a year or six months then no one know if you find someone exotic everybody compassionate somebody else. But this isn't a known real picture that they see on Instagram all you know that they kind of thing a lot. I'm sure those people is that marriage relationship seems so much better than minds terrible. By comparison, but we can't live by comparison, if we live by comparison, were always getting wind up feeling like we're missing out. You are a police officer for more than 10 years before you became a church leader counted that profession prepare you for what you're doing now. Why did things like feeling did because I came straight out of high school at 16 and into the police cadets did some training that the Academy then went straight in at the age of 18 1/2 now there's no way they don't let anybody in the police. Until then, that's Wednesdays now, but I was 18 and often had to walk the Sophist be in Manchester, we don't get to carry guns. Most of those over here, you just got to be able to be back to talking to people and negotiating with people and I found myself having to go in sick, really tense domestic disputes is recalled. The real essence times that that be violence involved as well and people are really on a on a razor's edge in their relationships and arguments that I had to go in. Is this young guy pretending many ways to be older than I walls in order to kinda give advice to people about their relationships when all I deputy observed was my own parents and that was kind of making the opposite went along but I think over the years when you've dealt with people in the extremities of those hard times. I found later. Looking back, that I've been in similar greatness without necessarily the violence but with the middle people pulling one of the down people being negative towards one another people not looking to build one another.

All people giving go on hope in the marriage, etc. and time in the police if that was like a scale of 1 to 10 as I was attending Sims of how tough it was it prepared me for various things with people will come and say what my marriage is awful and angular site. Know your marriage is like six competitive some of the scene on and we can work with this. It's gonna be okay if we do the following things I thinks yet the that the things I've seen on scene people get through and come straight is given me hope for marriages which the couple themselves made them feel. Well, we got no help, but I cannot look back and see that I've been able to help people with all kinds of things in their relationships, and again this hope and believe God can help us to have the wisdom and the love that we need to very often consume into a different place always been interesting to me to look back on people's lives my own included, and see how God used things that we didn't anticipate that he would use them in that way, but he did in preparing us for the next step so that's exciting let's get to your book because I am very excited about the book it's called the best marriage.

Who are you trying to speak to in this book want. Who's your audience well I sent Posten out there were times when I would have become semi-thinking that they needed to be prepared for marriage and they what they were wondering about that an end and what with the pressures that they might have to Babineau or the conversations they could have that would enable them before their wedding day to get ready for all the important days after the wedding date so that was one group of people are thinking of getting married also so many people that I know we just met marriage seminars like marriage checkups to be like and find the people, just wanted to make the marriage a little bit better and also there were people who were really struggling and have been a hard time with marriage and wondering whether or not they'd even be able to make it another few months and why didn't find the time as any single resource that I could point people save and save. Maybe this will help in is not the last word, but it could be a helpful word for you and not in the more looked around after a while through various things and through things. I was teaching myself, and seminars.

See my own experience of hard times in marriage, myself and Zoe. I'm very open in the book about how we've been straight marriage counseling ourselves at various points and had a lot of precious to come through and put in I wanted to write a book that would help somebody whether they were loving that marriage can or just hanging on badly in some way. All they were wondering whether or not they would know they were the marrying kind, whether what what was right with them and whether this was the relationship that they would be signing up foreign to help to be prepared and so I wrote a short book. I try to be humorous in it and to note 6. I also wanted it to be a book to be honest with you that the man would lead because very often you find that perhaps that the woman will read and underline a few pages and pass them out to write his name in the margin.

So I wanted to vote no and it's got some humility and see just to maintain interest and ask questions in each.

Each chapter has some discussions and ideas to be able to help people to be able to talk about the most important relationship so intonation the name of the book is the best marriage and you use best BEST is an acronym I walk us through what those letters stand for sure.

The first one is blessing be for blessing and I think is to understand the apartment. Our impending doom at this phrase the other half is meant to be a blessing to us from Nagano. I believe from God. I very much like this is a book that whether or not somebody is a believer or not yet a believer in the just spiritual person in some way all maybe not even that the principles work anyway and it's to help somebody to say that this is a means of blessing in my life this other person is is going say it is meant to be a means of blessing my life and so to receive the massage and to look at the ways in which they have been a blessing. The next one is encouraging its findings. Regularly ways in which I can actually encourage the other person to be that that cheerleader to never pull them down you know somebody said the best way said barrier marriage is lots of little thanks and actually set to stop the before it starts and then instead to think again would think is another acronym is that you know to what is one essay true helpful inspiring necessary kind and if not, why am I gonna say that we should be building that the other person we actually benefit from doing ourselves sharing is really about vulnerability which so many of us find find difficult to be able to do the book and I know that much of your work.

Toxic areas help many people to open up in the area of being vulnerable about about their own needs and being able to share those things with with with that that part. This is been the people you connect, help them out by buying seeking some meat that was those very real needs that everybody has also been the work of the black grenade Brown etc. have over the years informed me to think in terms of how vulnerability hello it seems scary is is the only way to have reality in our relationships and then see his church and it's just that we see in the that the problem is these days consume social distancing, etc. that that literally people on dying to be touched. People longing to be held and to be hugged and and without doubt this something that is so missing and so we need to be regularly physically holding one another. I just went for a walk with my wife. We spent a little lower walking on the little talk with God and I were walking around holding hands as we walk in on just all these these physical touch things going so important, obviously the sexual component of marriage tapes is a great gift to us that needs to be protected and cherished and enjoyed. So those of the that that the four things that if I think hopefully people can just remember to get to get the best from being out of this relationship. I need to see this other person is been a blessing. What I done today to encourage him, how can I share how I'm feeling what I'm thinking what I'm going through and listen to what they are also thinking, feeling, and then you know how do we can seal the bond of marriage and love.

The love that we have in regular affectionate physical touch.

No question. But those are for super important things and having a great marriage.

I was the digging of those little deeper along the line, but we pause and ask this.

How about the effect of COBIT 19 oh marriage is the good, the bad, what, what if you observed, I think that very often what's happened is he is actually wrong other than creates problems think that what COBIT 19 is it is revealed that Ms. County revealed that what was under the iceberg that you you couldn't see before.

Very often, than the people helping to spend extra time together, perhaps in the home. There were things that previously had been left unaddressed, and on spoken about but now we are having to be in the same space with having to work things out.

For many couples, actually, that I could be a good thing if they can work through it in a positive way.

It could actually nothing, I'm just talking to some people, finding that they say will actually marriage has improved because we've had to work some things out in order to be able to share a workspace look after the children together, etc. and we've also found in some ways a bit of a common enemy and that does this in a pandemic that the world is dealing with. And so it's united all of us together. We realize actually I care about you and know that I'm anxious I care about your health. I'm I'm I'm so I'm okay because I worry about.

And so this the company policy is funny but at the same time in the book I list statistics that show up in terms of how divorces is been has been going anyway and there's also evidence that the seven and I just read a report from the BBC statement recently that just over here in the UK. The McKenna divorce lawyers are circling a little bit like shock smelling blood in the water on the waking second of pounds and and and you know I think if you say the word divorce once or twice, then Facebook will hear it and the next thing is you can get it will just pop up on your timeline that you could have a conversation with somebody could help you to get divorced really quick.

If it isn't working for you. I think that's the big problem very often divorces become I know is a painful subject my address on by thinking That's it. It is if we if we feel it is going to make us happy as a divorce. I also look at in the book that the statistics are meant that in the end people on generally happier because they get divorced because you know you always check the weather with you and the now 50% of the problem most marriages is the person that looking in the mirror self.

And that doesn't change you say in the book of Anthony and I'm quoting here. Most people drift apart rather than fall out of love explained that this paycheck. Sometimes that there's a climactic event and often not as a pastor might get that call lights on at night like I marriages just fallen apart.

It come and see us and helps us out very often while doing this you trying to talk to the couple books make an appointment. A couple days on when the adrenaline's died down and say let's look at the actual investment that you can put in the marriage because what you realizes it's not as an overdraft that this taken place that they used to be in love and that was when they were investing in various ways in the marriage and now life is come along and just made so many withdrawals they don't feel like there's anything left to be able to draw upon in order to be able to have a healthy and in good marriage and what happens very often is people, but like the subtitle of the book, people have got married, with the full expectation that they will be one another's 1/in love can't live without you.

Other and then over time they settle for less, invest less in the relationship feel like he's not doing it so why should I perhaps in is a result of the after time that they they said they got hitched.

But now the living on separate tracks that date and maybe they bump and set one another at meal times have you now and then at the meal breaks but then they just go go back together again and that isn't what he signed up fall but they drifted apart. If you have a trajectory that is just a few degrees off it initially it looks okay but give it some time.

Give it some years and then you realize you end up with a couple of very often that might be an empty nest situation where there like why we even still together because we haven't got those things, we've now the kids are grown up and moved away.

We've worked patterns of change, etc. is this still a me you and people have drifted apart rather than how to as ascetic a year of falling doubts this been more about just a gentle separation that extended to people living on two separate islands and we know that many people at that juncture, do choose to separate in the end in divorce.

Anthony, there are those who are saying that rather than bemoaning the fact that there are so many divorces in marriage is falling apart as an institution that we should just recognize that marriage is an outdated institution know that monogamy is monotony and why would I want to stay in this how you respond to that sentiment. Well I would say that the most important things in our lives are our relationship setting us to spiritually my most important relationship is my relationship with God through Jesus Christ.

My second most important relationship is my relationship with Zoellick unscrew that relationship. So many of the great blessings have come in my life over the years that we've been married and we are happy to the extent that we have a good relational framework. Now that is always marriage is always that everybody in the list statistics event that it relationships good relationships don't just make you happier. They also help you to live longer and know that I just read a study recently that said, people's immune response following vaccination is stronger. If they don't take a box that says that there lonely as this is so much that goes on in our lives is related to our health is connected to the health and strength about relationships and again the statistics of them with regard to the marriage statistically compulsory married live longer. I know somebody might listen and say what it feels like it, but they also tend to be density healthier and any children to come along. Receive the same benefits. Married couples also make more money. Usually most countries pay less tax than less likely to cheat and be Chi-Chi Donovan. As a result, they do experience bets and mental and emotional health.

With less depression and anxiety and manna half as much at risk of suicide if there married married couples are less likely to abuse alcohol or drugs, and being married reduces the possibility and frequency of domestic violence. So it is the single best predictor of human happiness is social relationship quality and the is and if you're married, your twice as likely to report that you will have a happy life and as I said before, however if you divorce in order to be happier. You most likely not be as few divorced people actually report being happy. Having done so so and on none of these benefits apply to cohabitation is something special about marriage, thanks for joining us today for Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" you can find out more about your love language or our featured resource by going to find love you can listen to the stream or download the podcast right there and find the link to the book by author and speaker Anthony Delaney. It's titled the best marriage.

Why settle for less. Find out more at that's five love Let's look at the title again of the book, the best marriage and read earlier in our program. We talked about what each of those letters stand for BEST.

Let's look at each of those is briefly and try to give some practical ideas here.

One of them is blessing. So how can one partner in a marriage be a blessing to the other give us examples of what that looks like well I'm sure you live heard of the work of Dr. John Gottman, who is a leading academic relationship expert is he is been featured by Malcolm Gladwell in his book Lincoln easing like he's able to tell with incredible accuracy whether or not culpable still be together and it just by watching 15 minutes of insurrection.

He can tell whether or not they'll still be together 15 years later and he's got a 95% accuracy right on the phone. One of the key factors that he says when he's looking for. That is, is just that this couple out being positive, way more than that. Being negative leave another ratio that comes out of that which is that you five positives for every one negative equals marital bliss that's that that's the Matson. It's about making the investments of the positives and such to see the other person as as a blessing and find ways imaginatively to be able to bless them. Robinson in there waiting for them to come and bless me I have to think what what can I put into this marriage rather than what can I take outs of and again that can be as simple as as as attached it while they're at work. It could be toxic is is knowing that love language. It's being able to speak that love language guiding realize this when I first got married. I think I went out when I look at my mom's for the first 10 years or so, I figured out that the sums of love languages and suppose that the thing that I am all about is that will affirmation so if my wife was feeling down, I just just fine. I would just tell her how great she was know what a wonderful wife and mom. She was etc. etc. and think that that that would fill her look, but I see that is not her love language.

Nothing like the picture is that we were playing tennis on two different tennis courts and we weren't connecting in those ways positively with each other and it took a while for me to realize and again some counseling for me to realize that I what I gotta do is empathize. I got into her world. I've got to ask questions about how she is and how she's feeling and spend the time with her because she needs quality time and that mean that's a hard one for me because I'm a busy guy I know and everything gets busy but I but if we can have a good marriage. Robin just tell her how wonderful she is. I've got to shovel and be there with be a blessing to her in that way again and we have we can only pick these things up from our families of origin. We look at how I looked at how my my father was with my mother and they were wonderful and I love one another and a note throughout the whole of their lives and so my father died a few years ago I got my cues from him about her husband was and so we got her cues about what husband was from her father and vice versa with mom's and we pick up these things and we can think about. This should work for you because he worked in my family of origin and again it doesn't necessarily so because people are different. Again I made a big part of the blessing chapter is recognizing the differences and celebrating as being the things that actually keep life exciting. I don't want another person just like me they wanted one of these, but enough for the ways in which I can bless is away on the ways in which I need. I need to discover the ways that the that's really that that that warm her heart and that let her know and then not the same as what helps me anything.

That's a big part of blessing.

The second word you using the word bast BEST is encouraging.

How does that differ from a blessing. What I think of the early Christians would remember that Jesus was fond of saying the phrase is more blessed to give than to receive. And of course that applies to marriage two in the best relationship is when I focus on the other person just on me and literally on encouragement and courage. This can be a scabby tough world for anybody to live in, and I think that what I signed up for marriage was somebody who was stunned alongside me. No muscle wall and that way I don't have to ever have to face anything alone as long as we both shall live.

And by the same token, that's what Zoe signed up for an expected in million, and some of our biggest challenges, gain when we when we look to hate longer than Giffin. So again I'm I am so looking for and will encouragement my giving more if we saw of our marriages every day like an empty box and in the music that you going to put something in before you can take anything out and really admits like the pictures that there's no one really knows little in marriage itself. The love is in people and we decide where we will post this note notices intervening Romans that is going to be an encouragement that can be kindness that is not bad unless we choose to put you in and sometimes again a couple could be waiting for the other person put something into the box, but the more we put in each day. The more that will be and it will build often and again I reference another another book in it. In this book by a doctor with a lot of Holly some years ago and he talks about the low bank.

The idea the inside. He shows that his emotional time that this needs to be filled and life will keep on making withdrawals out of style and but my job isn't to say that waiting for my lieutenant to be filled up is to keep on emceeing mining and to be making sure spending most of that on Zoe importing into our relationship because you reap what you sow and if I don't, so I should expect to read so encouraging. Just finding ways to again which I I decided I drive my my wife to work. She can drive the every day I drive her to work. We spend the time together in the car there on the way back on the night before she goes it will Paul will pray then she goes into her work at the hospital where she's an emergency casualty nurse and just in doing so, that's a choice to make to encouragement in all of the I'm not saying to anybody who's listening.

I'm a great husband be like me because if Zoe was in his. She also tell me all of the many ways in which are not always an encouragement to buy just try that just came to mind as an exam, as I don't want her to go into the emergency room situation, especially in income will be times in high stress situations. I want her to know that I care about her on the I'll be there whatever time she finishes he never has to worry that this going to be some but where she can walk out and I won't be there for her and so again it's not just words. It's it's presence is literally the third word invested is the ass and sharing and sounds like you are beginning to talk about that really when you said you will spend time in the car together. Driving to work coming back from work one is sharing involved and and what were the couples who aren't really closely connected that were outwardly start to begin sharing life on a deeper level.

When you go to start somewhere and you know even if you start somewhere you feel like you just got closed off this high walls between you and maybe somebody listening needs to hear this, today's the day and you can even share that it's hard for you. We when we first got married before we got married church maters the guinea pigs for marriage preparation course and I remember being a front seat. I was like 21 years of age. I was a police officer.

I knew pretty much everything I was a man of the world and I was getting married and we love one another that we being together film in Arlington nearly 2 years. We knew each other. So how could anybody come along and tell us about marriage and just realize I was so large I didn't know was very gracious old couple who did the marriage preparation course with his and they helped us and shared knitting givers all evidences that they helped us to find our own but I'll never forget that they were saying that if you ever get to that point when you just can't speak to the person because whatever you say is gonna set them often gonna end up with them arguing making it worse. Writes a note to the other person just likes out. This is how I feel right now, and then write the note on plastic to give the person and say I don't want you to talk back to me because you know some people will know what this is like. It feels that whatever I say it makes it worse. And whatever you say makes it worse by five writing on a piece of paper. Please just read it from beginning to at the end and then writes it back to me your answer now. Over the years a member, the percent of the time and think you but we love one another so much.

That will never happen.

How can that possibly break within a couple years I was put in notes. I would buy poor not like that under the bathroom door just on the other side of the door headlight horror and then and then append up over and then they can but we were able to share 12th even when it's hard this there are ways to do that but is much better we can get in the habit of of being open and being vulnerable and he's taking me and Chris. I feel a lot Embarrassed sake of the unknown 56 years of age now will soon have six grandchildren were to more on the way but I'm only just really learned that the best thing I can do in such a sharing is is listen and on the dot and actually what my wife needs. It is a somebody who will just hear her heart not give her the answers be no repeat back the things that she's telling me and I'm just here her and in the eye and that the other thing I realize this is something Zoe told me over the years, many times, but not others may be stuff. I guess that's it, deal with my own family of origin or even from the know those hard times in the police and the ways in which you deal with conflict in those that ultimately I need to remember she's on my side. There's no close and then that just because that's it. And we made that commitment and God's right of the sensor Albert and that street folklore cannot be easily broken with him at the central Britain even though the will set up as a part in so many ways. The wonderful thing is she is a blessing Simi engine incredible encouragement to me. There's nobody that of law spend time with excess. I forget that name. What I need to do is make that sign. Turn off the phones don't just watch another series on Netflix or whatever but actually just since I have whole house like for you know how it how you feeling what was what's going on and then just to listen and and the other thing that I mentioned in the book thing to which is helpful or not is to just report repeat back that he simply wanted the person said to be able to share. Like when you drive up to McDonald's of some of the dried streams are also available in shorts but to go and you you give your order and you say I'd like a big Mac with extra fries, no pickle and strawberry milkshake than the other person comes back and says okay was a big Mac, no pickle on the go through it. The say yes a lot of this sharing communication is just just hinder the business and I hear what you're saying is, and then letting them here that I've heard and that is incredibly simple, really powerful technique is too strong a word, but just in a loving way that we together can shack on that that we hear one another and so I do not recommend that so that listeners is is is a way to be able to perhaps find it makesmake some time just give each other a really good listen to Sir Anthony in the last session.

We were talking about that the best marriage, BEST, and we talked about blessing encouraging and sharing in the last of those is touch you talk about physical touch it.

Just explain the importance of that just a moment. Well, we've been made. Body mind and spirit and when Mensa connects on all of those levels. The Bible talks really clearly about when a couple got married they become one flesh that is God's intention for them that they reserve the sexual act for the time between a man and a woman.

When in the marriage covenant.

This incredible blessing comes ended up people talk about having a marriage blessing and you can arrange is a formal ceremony, but for me every time a married couple are instruments together that is releasing the blessings of God of intimacy as well as everybody will be able to know that this hormones released the agony keep you healthy and strong. There's all those things on a physiological level but emotionally where healthy at-bats of the theory not this is why search is so important. I reference in the book.

Some of some horrible things that happened over the years when the children that have not been able to form properly because it not been sought again. Just this idea that we that we are we are made for physical contact. Both the way in which very often the world demonstrate size that we go out we join bodies and all kinds of people and then maybe if we join bodies with enough people will meet somebody that we share a common mind with an then if we, mind.

Perhaps I can share something of my spirituality with you for the way God designed it is that we we are Mensa connects first of all of the level of spirit that we meet with somebody who she has the love of God and knows the love of God with with with each other because if you can.

If you can do that and from day you perform that friendship On the is it mind. Some mind soul to soul and then at the right time in the right way you at your sets up for an incredibly wonderful possibility for further physical relationship I mentioned before the broadcast.

My son was here Joel and he was married he went out to South Africa and met his wife use in Canada and he was a Bible school out there and at one point when they were first attracted to one another. One of the leaders of the church that okay well you need to know, being proximity to one another.

We are not going to be going on dates. We can have chaperones and they would like kids from he's from here in the UK is like that's not how we used to think in terms of relationships, but obviously it's not just the Western coaches that know how to do relationships and so this African leader took Joel out into the bush and he explained to him these teeth he said, like when we have a fire out here.

What we do is first of all, we dig a little area. The section often area for it and then we get stones and we build all stones around and then we get them the materials and we gather them for the fire and then we put the kindling on top and then when everything is ready, then we set a fire if we don't do that that fires can cause a wildfire destruction and he said that's why we going to build this right and my son heard.except today. And I believe that as a result of that the fire that burns in their marriage burns so much brighter and stronger up your rectum better than for many in that generation.

At the age of 28 for him to be married and focused on this one woman for life and how we can build into that. He's got an out potential. As we pray for the encouraging folks for them to have a long and happy and blessed and the best marriage which will I pray for them. This will Anthony as we come to the conclusion of our program today speak to the spouse who has heard what were saying about having the best marriage and that they really want that, but the other spouse's is not interested in, or they're not hearing this program. Today they're not interesting in reading a book. They just happy to stay where they are just a distance. What would you say to that spouse is missing today. What I would encourage them that they can only change themselves. First of all, and nine Scripture talks about.

If you have a believing partner in that sense, it is an unbelieving partner the way you demonstrate Christ to them is that you love them you love them as they are. And nobody likes to be changed never met anybody who's really looking around looking for everybody else to change the book as you continue to love unconditionally and if you find ways to bless the other person think of that picture again of is not box and you know is you put into it. I believe that it it still possible to see if you can only do what you can do at the same time, I'd say that there is hope.

But I'd encourage the couple to talk about going to counseling together to find ways that they can learn to address what isn't to say you know what we we we can make a commitment to work this through and the reason I can say that is because as I detail in the book now II talk about one couple who I haven't spoke to each other really in any meaningful way for couple of days that walking. He's walking up is that she's walking down the steps. He looks at her and says I can't see one thing I like about you.

She says ditto and then they parts not all like an essay from the couple of days now. I know that couple because that was myself and Zoe was a swimmer about 12 years into our marriage and we worked it out.

We work 67 yeah took both of those, but there are times when neither of us wanted to do it and then subsequently even a couple of years ago I got off of pulse so angry with Zoe. I can even be on the same process walked off in the rain. I was so just fed up and she was similarly just by what we doing together and we made the decision we were, we could walk out or we could work ethic and we decided to do the hardest thing I think wishes to work ethic and again when I go in those counseling names.

I found out that probably more than 50% of the problems make a Nazi. That's the only power I could do any real work on and through that. However, I'm so grateful to say that today where we headed towards the best in the game better all the time that's great Anthony. I am so glad you shared with us today and took time to write this book. I do believe that our listeners are going to be very very helpful.

The I don't think anybody wants to have a difficult marriage or her miserable marriage and we as you said, I can only do our part. But if we do our part for having a positive influence on the Thanksgiving with his thinking.

What an encouragement today go to the website will find that book titled the best marriage. Why settle for less. Find out more.

Five love again.

Five love and next week if you want to become who God created you to be. Don't miss our conversation with Gary Thomas that's coming up in one week. Thank you to our production team and Anton building relationship with Dr. Gary Chapman radio in association with a ministry in any violent thanks

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