Across Africa, millions of Christians are suffering a Bible famine. They hunger for God's Word, but there simply aren't enough Bibles. Today, Timothy Project is close to launching Africa's first Bible web press. To help complete this project, visit TimothyProject.info. It's never been more important to set the course of your life in the right direction and to build that foundation that is firm.
instead of one riddled with cracks. That you're then trying to fix in your 30s and 40s and 50s to get back to some sort of foundation. Welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" . If you're in your 20s or care about someone who is, today's program will give help and hope.
Paul Angoni will join us to talk about secrets those who are in their 20s need to consider. If you go to buildingrelationships.us, you'll see our featured resource today, Paul's book, 101 Secrets for Your 20s. Just go to buildingrelationships.us. Those who are in that age group report a lot of life confusion.
Some are facing a terrible job market, heartbreaking relational struggles, and loneliness.
So with all of that, is there any hope for those who are in their 20s? Paul says there is, and we're going to talk with him straight ahead on Building Relationships. As always, our host is Dr. Gary Chapman. And Gary, you have a heart for people who are in that defining decade of their 20s, don't you?
I do. Yeah, actually I have two grandchildren that are in the twenties. One of them is already married, one of them is not married. But yeah, those are important years and sometimes years of real struggle.
So I am excited about our program today. And I hope anyone who's listening who has an adult child in their 20s, maybe call them and say, hey, you need to hear this. And they certainly need to get this book for them. Bingo. It's a great resource, and I'm going to tell you all about it.
First, let me tell you about our guest. Paul Angoni is a sought-after voice to young professionals, people going through change and transition, and those who want to live intentionally. He's written several books for college graduates, 20-somethings, and 30-somethings. He and his wife Naomi have four children. They live in Tennessee, and our featured resource today, I'm excited about this.
If you go to buildingrelationships.us, you'll see 101 secrets for your 20s. Again, you'll find it at buildingrelationships.us.
Well, Paul, welcome back to Building Relationships. Oh, thank you guys for having me back. I can tell you really want to help people in their 20s. Why are you so passionate about this topic? I became passionate about this topic because I felt like such a failure in my 20s.
I felt like I was just hitting one dead end after another, one obstacle. I couldn't really find my path. I thought I was going to do all these big things. I had all these expectations. But all of that seemed to go up in flames very quickly.
And so I started trying to figure out, okay, what are the secrets to doing life well in your 20s? Who's really talking about this? And I would be the friend that would start talking to other friends and they'd ask me, Paul, how are you doing? And I'd be honest, I'd be like, you know what, I'm actually not doing that great. I'm struggling.
I'm questioning. I'm doubting. I'm going through a hard season. And it was an amazing thing in that conversation. When I would open up, they would open up.
And I started realizing I wasn't alone. And they were struggling. They were struggling with depression and anxiety and struggling with their faith and walking away from their faith. And I just realized this is such an intense decade of your life. And so we got to figure out how to do this better.
And that's why I really gave my life to figuring out: okay, what are the secrets to doing your 20s well?
Well, you know, I find when people go through struggles in any area of life, God can use that to help others. And that's why you're an example of that.
So that's great. You know, this book came out more than ten years ago originally, and you've written now a new expanded edition. Uh what did you change or add and uh why did you feel like you needed to? Yeah, I felt like I wanted to reach a new generation of 20-somethings. And just from a funny practical perspective, I felt like if a 20-something read the older edition, they'd be like, what age did this guy grow up in?
You know, I was talking about being on Facebook all the time, you know, or jumping on Craigslist. You know, just the technological terms I felt like needed to be updated. But as I started writing the new edition, I mentioned before we jumped on that it felt like I was having coffee with an old friend. And I felt like I had so much more to offer. And I felt like, man, I stopped short on that secret.
I have so much more that I can say now because I'm much older than I was in my 20s and hopefully a little bit wiser. And so in this new edition, there's also bonus secrets because I wanted to talk about, okay, I want to talk about the struggles that 20 somethings have been facing for centuries, but I also want to talk about the unique struggles that maybe this generation is facing when it comes to the job market and AI and these things that are new in our economic realities. And so I still wanted that passion for 20 somethings and helping them because I feel like, man, it's only gotten harder. It seems like it's only gotten more intense. Ah, and more confusing, and yet it's never been more important.
To set the course of your life in the right direction and to build that foundation. That is firm. Instead of one riddled with cracks, the That you're then trying to fix in your 30s and 40s and 50s to get back to some sort of foundation. Yeah.
Well, I'm glad you went back and took the time to add these new things because I think you're exactly right. When you look at the church today, Uh what do you think the church is missing or or the church is not understanding about people in their twenties? You know, I think first of all, those in their 20s are really lonely. The amount of isolation Is astronomical. You know, they're reporting more amounts of loneliness and isolation than ever before for 20-somethings.
Which is such a juxtaposition, I feel like, because this is a globally connected, instantaneously where we can talk to anybody around the world at any time. And yet, this generation keeps saying, I feel so alone. And so I feel like that's such a great place for the church to step in. Because this really is a generation that's hungry to know and to be known. Yeah.
And so the more that church can be that place where it says, come on in. And let's talk about this, and let's talk about the struggle. And that's another thing that I think 20-somethings really gravitate towards: a place that feels open and honest and authentic. and a church that's willing to be vulnerable. And to say, you know what, I've been there too.
You know, gosh, I remember that time in my 20s where I was really going through it. Let's talk about it. And if there can be that open, honest conversation. you know, it kind of replicates the Psalms in some way. You know, I remember in my 20s where I felt like that was the only book of the Bible that I kept gravitating towards of that kind of wrestling nature.
Of my faith and trying to get down to, okay, God, even so, I will praise you. But I'm really struggling right now. And I think the church is that great place to realize that we don't connect over our pretend perfection, we connect over our shared struggle.
So, can you usher 20-somethings into that conversation for that authentic relationship to start forming with the people at the church and then with their faith? Yeah.
I hope church leaders who may be listening today will recognize what you just said and that this book is going to be a resource for them addressing those issues with single adults. Or sometimes it's uh married adults in the twenties as well. Mhm. You know, most of us agree that there are differences between men and women. Do we need to take any of these differences into account when we're thinking about twenty-somethings?
Well, yeah, that's a great question. You know, I think one way that I think about that is I found that the the readers that are reaching out to me the most and are maybe the most honest about what they're going through are women. You know, and we found, you know, the majority of readers are women. You know, and I think women have this sense of. You know, I'm going to be vulnerable and I'm going to share what I'm going through and I'm going to seek help.
And they do it maybe a little bit more externally, where they're willing to go out and they're willing to almost embarrass themselves in the sense of, I don't have to look like I have it all together. And this is a generalization, it's not always true. But I find that men maybe kind of try to lone ranger the thing a little bit more. where they're saying, well, I'm going to figure this out. And still, to show any weakness or to show any questions is weakness.
And so I'm going to tuck it all in. And I'm just going to work harder and I'm going to push it all deeper, and I'm not going to find help because that's a sign of weakness. And I still think there is a little bit of that kind of cultural stereotype. And so it is something to keep in mind. When you're speaking with men and women, and you might have a 20-something male in your life.
who even it makes he's making it look like he has it all together. And maybe he's even really prideful and boastful and and egotistical. He's act he's just sharing his successes left and right. But I bet you'll find deep down He's really struggling. And he's masking that struggle.
With pride and ego, when inside it's kind of that scared little kid that says, I need help. And so be willing to seek those guys out even more. To draw them out, I think is an important part of that conversation. Yeah.
Well, I've certainly found that true in my own counseling of young adults.
So thanks for sharing that. Paul, why do you use the word secrets in the title of the book? 101 Secrets. Are these things that are kind of hidden from plain sight?
Well, you you yes or no. You know, I think like uh you've realized, Dr. Chapman, you know, any any good truth that's there, you know, sometimes that truth is is staring us right in the face every day. But we don't realize it until somebody comes and defines it and names it and says, Hey, let's pay attention to this. Because there's so much distractions going on throughout our day, even more so now than ever, with all the noise that is coming against us.
And so we actually don't see and recognize. A lot of the things that's coming at us in our day-to-day life. You know, it's tied into a psychological theory called an inattentional blindness, where they've studied this that have shown that we actually don't see most of what comes across our vision because other attention-demanding tasks are at place. And so I think that's where this book comes in: The Hunter One Secrets. It's, you know, that old phrase, you know, I wish I knew now what I knew then, you know, kind of perspective.
And that's what this book is: it's a framework and it's a guide. For those who feel lost and who feel searching or just feel like, man, I just need a pick me up. I need a little bit of dose of hope and encouragement and wisdom. That's where these secrets come in. It might be something you've seen, but you maybe haven't named and defined.
to figure out, okay, how am I building the framework of how I want to live the rest of my life? I think any single, whether they're leaning toward healthy or unhealthy, are going to find this book to be helpful. What would you say are some of the biggest challenges facing Twenty Somethings today? Wow, there's so many of 'em, you know, I think it just seems like it keeps getting more and more intense and so much more pressure. and confusion.
In days old, you know, used to, you know, a bachelor's degree used to be a huge leg up, you know, right? Just from an economic standpoint. If you were, you were a rarity if you had a bachelor's degree and it would open up a lot of doors.
Well, now it feels like, you know, you get your bachelor's degree and now that's like a stepping stone to I got to get my master's or I got to get a doctorate or I got to get the best internship. There always feels like there's something more and more and more that you need to get.
so that you can have that door of opportunity open up for you. And so I think there really is this challenge of Where do I find my place? Where do I find my career? And then, along with that, you know, gosh, how do I find somebody to get married to? Where do I live?
You know, it's all these major life questions. all coming into this kind of Pressure cooker. of a decade, and you have so much to learn. and you feel like you're falling flat on your face time and time again as you take those steps. And so then it feels like, well, gosh, what do I even do?
How do I start formulating the answers to these big questions?
So I just think it's a pressure-filled decade, and it's hard to figure out: okay, what is the best next step? Where do I go with these questions? Yeah.
You talk about some of the lies that 20-somethings are feeling today or coming to believe today. Uh wh what are some of those lies and and how do we replace them with the truth? There's so many of them. We could talk about a lot of lies, you know, and that's, and that is again a big part of the naming and defining aspect of this is okay, what is a lie that maybe I've bought into? And uh, and maybe one direction we can go to, and I know I experience this a lot myself.
When I start doing something that is important, And for me, it's writing a book, and even this book, and I write about this in the 101 Secrets for Your 20s, is I know that there's going to be the voice of the liar. That's going to come against me. And the voice of the liar, I mean, is, you know, Paul, who are you to do this? And you're not smart enough, you're not creative enough, you're not a writer, you know, you don't know what a hanging participle is, you know, a grammar. You know, who are you to try to write a book?
You're not an author. And so that's almost that first step to when you start doing something important. Just know that the liar Is going to come against you. And this could be from a spiritual attack. It could be spiritual.
It could be just negative self-talk, kind of these ruts that you've gotten into. Maybe it's something your parents, a name they put over you or a teacher. and you start repeating those lies? And so that's why we then have to say, well, am I going to listen to the voice of the liar? Or am I going to listen to the voice of the truth-teller?
And, you know, and that's where our faith for me comes into play, where it's where I'm reading the word, I'm reading the Bible. And I'm letting those promises come over me. You know, saying, no, these are lies. I'm fearfully and wonderfully made. God had me in mind, I'm not a mistake.
I'm so purposeful, and so I'm filled with purpose. And so even that starting there. I think it's an important step for 20-somethings. When you feel like you're getting overwhelmed with these lies that are coming through your head, is replacing those lies with truth. And almost warring for hope.
In a sense. And I remember doing that in my 20s. I would go to a little, I would go to a mountaintop literally by myself, and I felt like I was warring for hope. just declaring the promises of the Lord instead of what the lies of culture were telling me at that moment. Mm.
Would it be helpful in those times at the top of the mountain or wherever to actually write down the truth? I don't know. I just think sometimes for me, at least writing things down in addition to saying the truth to myself. Yeah, that goes down to that defining, really defining it for yourself. And in those moments, I think that's a great idea: is yeah, taking a journal with you, taking a notebook, something where you're writing down then what the Lord is speaking to you.
That's the beautiful arrangement when we find those quiet, still spaces in our life as well. Is now we're allowing really the Lord who's trying to speak to us all the time, but now we're able to listen a little bit more clearly. And I feel like the Lord is answering our prayers all the time. We just don't hear them. because we're so distracted and we're filled with so much noise now more than ever.
Yeah.
Now, in the book, you coined the phrase. Obsessive comparison disorder. Man, that rings a bell. Tell us more about that. Yeah, I talked about this for years, just and coming from my own personal struggle, I felt like there was a new OCD, obsessive comparison disorder.
And it was really kind of the smallpox of this generation. It's having such a negative effect. And comparison's always been around. We've we've always compared ourselves you know, it used to be the Jones next door. But now the Jones are global.
And and they're online and they're digital and it's all layered with filters and now AI things and who I mean, it's who knows what's real anymore with these these visuals online. But we we are comparing ourselves at just unbelievable levels. You know, you might go to the grocery line and you're waiting in line and you feel pretty good about your life. And you felt like you had a pretty good day, and then you jump on the phone while you're waiting, and you go start scrolling through Instagram or TikTok or whatever. And by the time you get in front of the line, you feel terrible about your life.
You know, you're grabbing that two-pound bag of MMs and the magazine you shouldn't be reading. And you're trying to medicate away from all these feelings of anxiety and depression. And your your day didn't change. It was the amount of comparison that you started doing. Where you started thinking, gosh, why am I not experiencing marriage like I was supposed to?
Or look, oh, that look at that wedding, or look at that job promotion, or whatever it is. And this obsessive comparison disorder, it just crushes our. Our peace, our joy. Or contentment, you know, just go down the list of all these things that it's doing.
So, gosh, we have to put the phone away. We can't run to it. Uh every down moment of our day. You know, every awkward moment that we experience in our day, I feel like we're replacing it with our phone. You know, all these weights and elevators or weights in line or wait at the coffee shop.
You know, we don't want to just stand there anymore. It's like, well, I gotta, I gotta, let me. It's the new, it's the cigarette of today's age. You know, we're just constantly taking another puff. from our phone, and really it's not helpful most of the time.
It's actually killing us. And so we have to put it away and maybe replace those moments where you feel that tug for your phone, you know, like Pavlovian dogs with the bell ringing. You feel that tug and you just replace it with prayer. And say, you know what? I don't need to jump on the phone.
Why am I even jumping on the phone right now? Let me pray. How much more peace would we be filled with instead of whatever the algorithm? Wants to show us uh online. You know, I observed this in the airports today.
not only with 20-somethings, but with all ages. Used to be a time you would talk to people in an airport or in an airplane. But now everybody's got their phone out. Exactly. Yeah.
It's amazing. You know, and I think we all have those experiences where, you know, I call them not-so-chance encounters. You know, 'cause what are the odds? Like you were saying, Dr. Chapman, that you're sitting next to this person in this airplane right now.
Like the odds are astronomical. You could have never planned that. In this day and age, at this point in history, you guys are sitting there for two hours next to each other. Maybe we should at least be open to the idea that God was putting together something spectacular. For us, even just to be encouraged or to encourage them.
For me, in my life personally, I've actually had amazing career breakthroughs. where things have happened beyond my wildest belief that I could have ever planned just because I was willing to say hello. To the person next to me. Yep, absolutely. Absolutely.
Well, then in the secret that you number is number 24. You say that life will never feel like it's supposed to. What do you mean by that? And how does your faith fit into you're supposed to? I remember driving around one day, and it was just this record player going in my head: gosh, when am I going to experience the success like I was supposed to?
And there's this real sense of disappointment. and just feeling like again like I was failing. You know, when am I going to, you know, and it's for each of us, it's something different. When am I going to get married like I was supposed to? You know, and it's this feeling of like, it's almost this feeling of God, where are you?
And why is this not working out for me? Which again goes to comparison in a lot of ways. But I wrote the secret, you know, life will never feel like it's supposed to. Basically to say, well, what is supposed to? Like what is that based off of?
And most of the times it's based off some expectation of our lives. that we've never really defined. but we're living by, you know, some some version of success. that maybe someone else has painted that picture for us? But we don't even know what we're trying to paint.
You know, if you're trying to paint a portrait of your spouse, let's say, you wouldn't put a nice boat in front of you and try to paint your spouse by looking at a boat, right? No, you would put what you're trying to paint in front of you. And I think for many of us, we need to actually sit down and define: okay, well, what does success actually look like in my life? Like, what do I actually? What is a non-negotiable for me in my life?
What are my soul values? you know, the ways that God has designed me. And what is my supposed to built on? And that's why, again, for my faith, you know. I I do think they're am I supposed to in in in some ways.
is built on, again, going back to the Bible. going back to my prayer life, you know, building my supposed to on God's truth.
So that I can come back to that as my supposed to, as my definitions of success. Which again is going to be very different than maybe what the social media definitions of success are going to look like. Yeah.
And I think that's an important conversation to have for 20-somethings and an important process. Yeah, I would certainly agree with that. Boy, because we have all these ideas of what life is supposed to be like.
Now you talk about lousy jobs as being a 20-something rite of passage.
Something they have to go through. What can 20-somethings do when they find themselves in that spot? Yeah, it can be tough, especially in economic realities, which it seems like it's getting harder and harder. Those entry level jobs seemed to be harder and harder to obtain. You know, and as we see AI coming and all the news about AI replacing all these jobs, it can be almost terrifying.
So sometimes, as a 20-something, you might have this amazing degree, you had this great GPA, you're going to go do these big things. But then the reality of, you know, you got to eat food to live. And you have to pay money for that food. And there's car insurance and cell phone bills, you know, all these things.
So you got to find a job. And a lot of the times, it's not necessarily going to be your dream job. And that's okay. That's the reality for most 20-somethings. But what I say is that I think you can learn the most sometimes in the jobs you like the least.
And you have to be intentional in that space. Not just trying to get through the job and complaining about your job. You know, this is such a lousy job. I got to find another job. Because If you don't learn what you need to learn there, which could be let's say even a skill set.
Let's say you don't like a majority of your job. It's hard. You don't like it. It's not what you want to do. But maybe there's just one thing.
that you really enjoy. that you find is a skill that you want to use. You feel your heart gravitating towards that.
Well, how do you build that skill set? Maybe even ask your boss, your manager, how can I do more of this part of my job? Because I really feel like I'd be even more successful there. You know, just finding those little things that you can grow. Because if you leave too quickly, on this search for, well, I got to find a better job.
Well then, what awaits you could be just another lousy job. Because you're looking for this external answer. Instead of internally figuring out, okay, what do I need to learn here? How do I need to grow? What is God teaching me in this job?
Even if it's you're with a bad leader, a bad boss, you might be learning ways that you don't want to lead in the future.
Sometimes a bad leader can teach you a lot about how you want to then lead through that experience. And so it's learning those things. You know, it's not just jumping to the next external answer. It's how do I be faithful here?
So let's not focus so much about getting the wrong job. Let's focus on not bringing the wrong you. to your job. How do you be faithful where you're at?
Okay. Um Thanks for joining us for the Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman podcast. He's the author of The New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" . You can find us online at buildingrelationships.us.
There you can see our featured resource today. Author Paul Angoni's book, 101 Secrets for Your Twenties. Just go to buildingrelationships.us or go to fivelovelanguages.com. Paul, in Secret 74, number 74, I'm quoting here, you say, The secret to finding the right person to marry. is to stop looking.
What do you mean by that? I know. This is something of me to come with you, Dr. Chapman, trying to give relationship advice and marriage advice. I should leave it to the experts, but I do talk about relationships a lot in this book because it is such a huge part of your 20s, whether it's friendships or dating relationships to possibly be married.
I actually received this advice from a mentor of mine. Because I was struggling so, I kept trying to, I was dating girls. I was trying to, oh, I want to get married. I was just. You know, I was fearful that I wasn't going to get married.
I was just struggling with that whole conversation. And um He basically tried to reframe it for me, which I did in the book as well: is: you know, stop focusing so much on finding the right person, the quote-unquote right person. He challenged me, which I challenge readers, is to focus instead on becoming the right person for the person you're going to marry.
So it became, again, more of an internal thing where instead of being on this magic, you know, the search for the one. Like it's, you know, the gold under the rainbow, or you're searching for a leprechaun or the unicorn, you're on this magical search for the one, and you're always searching for the one. It brought it more to me to say, Paul, what do you need to do? to be the right one. for the person God has in mind for you.
And And I think it's important and helpful. if you're not bringing all your baggage. Into your marriage. You know, what bags can you start ditching now? Because when you're married and maybe living in a small apartment, There's not a lot of room for all your bags.
So to speak.
So, I mean, we're not all going to be fully healthy, whole people. We're all going to have stuff that we have to work through. And marriage is a great refiner of that. You know, marriage doesn't fix your problems. Marriage just kind of shows you how many problems you actually have.
I feel like it shines that magnifying glass on it of stuff you need to work through. Um but can you do that now while dating or while you're single? You know, what can you start working through to get rid of some of those bags, those insecurities? Because marriage won't fix any of those insecurities, or at least that's what I found to learn. Maybe, Dr.
Chapman, you have the magic where it's, you know, marriage becomes the elixir for all insecurities. But for me, it was just like, wow, Paul, you have a lot of insecurities that now your marriage is helping you work through. Yeah.
And the marriage brings them out. Yes. You may not have seen them. Exactly. But your spouse sees them.
Boy, that's powerful. That's powerful.
Now you know, we hear a lot about midlife crisis. And of course, I deal through the years with a lot of people who are going through a midlife crisis. But is there a quarter life crisis during the twenties? You know, I used to think that was such a joke, you know, kind of this melodramatic phrase, oh, you're having a quarter-life crisis, until I felt like I was going through one. And then it felt very real again.
And then I started realizing again, you know, I would write articles on my website about cordilife crisis, you know, cures for a cordilife crisis. You might be going through a cordalife crisis. And then all of a sudden I realized there was a lot of people struggling with cordalife crisis because I would have thousands and thousands of people that would find me by searching. How do I get help with this core life crisis if somebody helped me?
So, again, it was sparking a bigger conversation. And really, I think what core life crisis, midlife crisis, you know, I think what they have in common is they're just very stark transition periods. where you're really redefining. What do I really want with my life? You know, what what really is important in my life?
And so I think it's actually a really valuable season to go through. Especially in your twenties, because if you can ask yourself the hard questions now, Oh gosh, you're going to be better set. You're going to be building a better foundation. And these har these transition periods in our life are hard. because it feels very uncomfortable.
But but I would argue Don't rush through this transition. You know, I think a lot of people, they try to rush through transition. to get to the next most important season of their life. When I feel like transition is actually the most important seasons of your life. Because when you have all your crutches kicked out from you, so to speak, all the things you used to depend on, and you feel lost.
Well, gosh, that's that's the first step to exploring. you know, all all explorers have to get lost. Um but but explorers get lost on purpose with purpose for a purpose You know, it's kind of intentional lostness. They're exploring and they're doing it with guides. They're doing it with people that are helping them.
So if you feel like you're going through a crisis, core life crisis, midlife crisis, a stark transition, You know, it could be a really good thing. Sit in that season and pray and ask God to reveal to you what do you need to see in the season of lostness, of exploring. Yeah.
You know, what's so tragic, I think, Paul, is that so many young people in the twenties, when they're going through that, they turn to drugs or alcohol or other things, you know, to just kind of get their minds off of that, and it ends up really destroying them. And that's so true. We medicate with all these things that are not helpful. And that's why, again, this vision for this book and why I'm still so passionate about this book, Hunter Own Secretary 20s and Helping 20 somethings, is I always had this vision. of of people standing on a cliff of sorts.
And needing me to be faithful and keep walking forward through all the failure and dead ends and rejection from publishers, you know, all the things that authors go through, so that I could get next to them with a book. and say, you know, no, there's hope. Like there's there's truth. Like your story is just starting. Like, let's talk about it.
Uh you're not alone in this.
So that's still my passion for those who are feeling lost. And that's why I am so passionate about this book. It's just to give them that sense of hope and truth and wisdom so that you're not medicating with things that are going to kill you. but let's start filling yourself with actually true healing. Because God's in the redemption business and He wants to redeem this season of your life, whatever you're going through.
Yeah.
Well, I think you're right, and I think this book is going to help a lot of people in the 20s. In fact, I'm thinking of some people I need to give it to right now.
Now, in this new edition, you have some bonus secrets. And you tackle the topic of AI. What challenges does AI present for twenty-somethings? Yeah, it seems like there's two camps of AI. You know, it doesn't seem like there's much middle ground.
Either you're in love with it and you're so excited about the new inventions and opportunities, or you hate it and you're very scared of what it's going to bring, the detriment to society. You know, I think for twenty somethings what AI is going to do is I think it challenges us all really to be better. at being really human. You know, to really bringing all aspects of ourself. And we have to mine those.
and really create that what I call our signature sauce. You know, you're almost picturing you being in the kitchen as that chef. And you're bringing together these different ingredients? to bring out a flavor. that the world really needs.
And so I would I would uh encourage any listener to kind of picture yourself as that chef and what ingredients are you bringing? to the table. You know, you're again your values. Your uh your story, your relationships. Your triumphs, that you've had these great successes, but also even some of your tragedies, some of the hard things that you've gone through.
You know, I think a lot of us realize later in life That those problems that we went through, that pain that we went through.
Well, gosh, that then became our purpose. That then became our passion. Is we wanted to help people go through things and help them get on the other side that we went through. Yeah.
And I think, again, that's what makes you an empathetic, creative human. Who's willing to go to greater lengths to help people because you know what it's like to go through that? And I don't think AI can recreate that. that depth. You know, and so you have to be willing to continue the struggle, the questions, developing yourself.
Because if you're asking AI to dig the well for you in your life, Well, I think it's going to be pretty shallow. Yeah, yeah. And I think also, you know, sometimes people have relationships with AI. I remember hearing of a lady who... had this relationship talking back and forth to AI and really in her mind the person was real.
And she ended up sending them thousands of dollars to help them out of some problem they had. And then she was brought to reality.
Now she wasn't 20 something. She was older. And those of us are older who have our own challenges. Paul, in the book that we're talking about today for 20-year-olds. Uh ye I'm quoting here.
we become what we pay attention to. Explain why being intentional about our attention is so important. Yeah.
Yeah, that was one of the bonus secrets that I felt like I really needed to tackle in this new edition. Because I think our attention never never has there been such a war. For our attention. than there is right now. And Everything wants your attention.
You know, it's all, everything is trying to get your attention. And what are we paying our attention to? And it's literally built in the phrase. What are you paying your attention? Almost like you're investing.
Your money, your resources, your time, your energy. What are you investing? What are you paying your attention to? And also, and maybe this is a scary question to ask, what are you in debt to? With your attention.
Are are you in debt to CNN or Fox News, is that getting your choice attention all the time? Is it TikTok or Instagram? You know, or is it the Lord? Is it prayer? Is it the Bible?
Is it your spouse? Your kids? Who is getting your choice attention? And I think today more than ever, we become what we pay attention to. You know, if you are filling your mind and your heart, with nothing but social media headlines, with algorithms that are very sophisticated, to steal your time?
Better than anything else. Because it knows what you'll click on? for better or worse. And sometimes it's for worse. It knows that you'll click on something that's fearful.
And so it's going to keep showing you more things like that. You know, we have to become so intentional with our attention. And just say, you know what? I'm taking it back. Yeah, I want to focus on what is good.
What is true, what is noble? You know, I want to fill my mind with those things because then that's the way I'm going to see the world, the way that God sees it. Instead of let me fill my mind with all this junk, With all these distractions. You know, Neil Postman, he wrote a book called Amusing Ourselves to Death, which was a classic kind of communication studies book that I read way back in college.
Now I feel like it's distracting ourselves to death. It's not even for our entertainment anymore. It's just pure distraction. And it's setting us off the course that God wants us to be on. Boy, that is so important.
Paul, say a word to parents. Who have young people in their twenties? How can they support this young emerging adult? It is funny. I stopped looking at reviews of my books a long time ago when I started realizing that this is not a healthy dynamic.
Maybe you've been there, Dr. Chapman, where it's like either the good reviews or the bad reviews, both can kind of mess you up in a way. But I did, when I was looking at them, it was funny that I noticed that probably half the reviews of my books, which are for 20-somethings, were actually parents and grandparents who were leaving reviews, which I found amazing. I never thought that would take place because they were basically saying before they gave it away to their 20-something, they wanted to read it first to make sure it wasn't leading them down the wrong path. And they found such fruit in it.
You know, so I think that's even a great place to start is for parents and grandparents. Try to go back. I mean, maybe even reading this book, go back to that place in your 20s. where you were struggling to figure life out. Yeah.
They never saw you in that place. They never saw you when you were maybe not the successful person that you are today who has it all figured out, you know, so to speak. They never were there with you in the struggle. You know, and again, we don't connect over our pretend perfection. We connect over that shared struggle.
So how do you start leading that conversation with, you know what? You're right. There was a time in my twenties I wanted to be a a painter, and then I ended up being an accountant. And accountant, and I don't know how that happened. You know, and I struggled with that, you know, at least being open to sharing that conversation.
Because I think this younger generation, they want to hear your struggle and your weaknesses, stuff that you're wrestling with.
So that they can trust your strengths. You know, they want to know your weaknesses and t hear you talk about them so that they can then trust your strengths. Um and so you have to be willing to I think in a sense to be a little bit vulnerable. Yeah.
And so that conversation can happen and take place. Is there a mistake that you see some parents making with those young adult children? You know, I think there is can be sometimes that whole um just just figure it out. mentality of pull yourself up by the bootstraps. Figure it out.
I I had a house by I was twenty five and I was married with two kids. Like, what's your problem? You know, there's a little bit of that tough love, which sometimes tough love is important. You know, we all need to be um have accountability and discipline. But I think sometimes it can be a little misplaced because Man, it I mean, I I would say, again, just Find that empathy with How hard it is, I think, for a 20-something now to even do things like buy a house.
That's an economic reality for most 20-somethings, they're feeling to themselves, I will never be able to afford a home right now. Like, I can't see a world where I'm going to have a house before I'm 40. And so, for you to even enter into that conversation, be like, you know what? Gosh, it is challenging because there's the whole jokes, you know, online, you know, going back to social media of, you know, well, you know, boomers, you bought your house, you know, for 35,000, you know, this amazing house or whatever it is, and now that house is 1.5 million. At least being able to empathize instead of just figure it out.
I figured it out. What's the problem? Go do it because then that's that's going to shut down that 20-something from then opening up to you again in the future. Because they're going to be like, Well, why, why would I do that? I'm just going to get yelled at, so I'll open up to somebody else.
Paul, one of the secrets you talk about is this. that the possibility for greatness and embarrassment. both exist in the same space. Speak to that. Yeah, this is again a one I learned the hard way or through my own life is that basically I went to an event and they were holding a contest for somebody to jump up on stage to win a free air to win a free guitar.
if they did the best air Qatar. And it was a competition, and I was in the front row.
So I was basically in the best place to run up on stage and get there first before other people so I could compete. And I had these visions of coming home with this guitar and having this great story to tell of how I jumped up and won this guitar. But as I was walking towards the stage, I had this fear of embarrassment start coming over me: gosh, I don't know if I want to get up on stage and look at all the people out there. And I don't know if I want to do this. I don't want to embarrass myself.
And so I kind of slowly sauntered over. And then by the time I got there, there was five people already there. And I missed my moment. And they got up and they started doing their guitar contest. And I remember being in the third row and watching them thinking, Gosh it.
They're not doing a great job. I could have done better than that. You know, I could have won this guitar if I would have just gotten up there. But then it hit me: I said, Well, Paul, they're not going to give the guitar to the guy in the third row who swears he could have done it better. Like you were too afraid to jump up on stage.
And that was a great visual for me. Because I think so many of us, especially in this social media age, we just don't want to embarrass ourselves. We don't want to look foolish. We don't want to look like we don't have it figured out. But you start realizing that, you know, if you're going to do anything great in this world, You have to be very willing to embarrass yourself in the process because that's what it's going to take.
And really that when you fail. It that doesn't mean you're a failure. You know, that just means you're learning. You're growing. you're figuring stuff out and maybe actually that thing that you thought was a failure.
Might turn out to be one of your greatest successes later in life. You just don't see it yet. because we don't see failure and successes through the lens of eternity. Like God does. You know, he's orchestrating something beyond our comprehension.
But you have to be willing to take those steps. You have to be willing to get out of the wheelbarrow. You know, I don't think God's just going to push us around. you know, with a wheelbarrow and then plop us somewhere and say, okay, be faithful. Go do your thing.
You know, I think he's a loving father, and so he wants to grow the strength in our own legs so that we can walk. And sometimes we're going to fall and embarrass ourselves. And that's okay because God's there with us. And maybe you can just laugh about it and learn from it and then figure out, okay, what's the next step I need to take? Paul, as we come near the end of our time together today, secret number 98 is this.
Success in your twenties is more about setting the table than enjoying the feast. What do you mean by that? I think so many of us that we want success to happen very quickly. whatever that looks like, especially in today's age, where everything's so instantaneous. And for me, it was that realization that really no success in your 20s is more about setting the table.
It's about building the table, you know, getting it ready, getting that foundation ready.
so that you have the foundation there. when success starts happening. Because I think many of us realize, and I know this was true in my life. That's sometimes the worst thing that can happen to you. is to experience the success that you are crying out to God for.
Because You might not be ready for it. Because success can be a heavy weight to carry. You know, fame, you know, attention, all these things can be heavy weights to carry. And so I think God, in His faithfulness and in His grace and mercy. is trying to get our character ready for our calling.
And that takes some time, and that takes some learning and some growing seasons of life. And maybe you're going through a really intense season in your life right now. Because God wants to grow something amazing in you and through you. to do his work here on this earth. and you need to have a strong table.
to put everything on. And so don't worry if it's not going according to plan right now. You know, that's okay. Failure doesn't ruin your story, failure helps you write it.
So it was a good reminder for me and for all of us. That's okay that it's taking time. That's normal and that's important part of this process.
Well, that's a powerful word, I think, for uh young twenties. You know, I want to just say a word to parents because I know there are a lot of parents listening who have adult children. And what was just mentioned earlier, you know, you reading the book and then giving it to You're a twenty year old. I think you're going to find this book's going to help you help them.
So I want to thank you, Paul, for being with us today. And thank you again for adding to the original book you wrote on this because I think you're addressing some of the issues that now we're facing that we were not facing earlier.
So again, thanks for what you're doing to try to help those through those years that we call the 20s.
Well, thank you both so much for having me on. It's always an honor and a privilege to have this conversation with you.
So thank you again. And if you'd like to find out more about Paul Angoni's book, go to buildingrelationships.us. You'll see it right there. It's titled 101 Secrets for Your 20s. Just go to buildingrelationships.us.
And next week, how to discover the good money can do in your marriage. Speaker and personal finance writer Matt Bell joins us in one week. Let me thank our production team for their work behind the scenes, Steve Wick and Janice Backing. Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute.
Thanks for listening.
