They don't spend time with us and my son just says, No, no, we're just busy. Uh she is not really active in her walk with the Lord. Identifying "The 5 Love Languages" , it seemed to shut down her response. Welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" .
Today it's our Dear Gary broadcast for October. Time to open the phone lines and hear your questions about the love languages, your marriage, parental issues, single struggles, and more. And we have an exciting addition to the conversation today and you'll hear about that straight ahead. If you want to be on a future broadcast, call us at 1-8-66-424-GARY. 866-424-4279.
Each week we have a featured resource and today it's a book by Dr. Chapman and Dr. Jennifer Thomas. It's titled A Teen's Guide to Conflict. how to deal with drama, manage anger, and make things right.
You can find out more at buildingrelationships.us. Gary, this is a book for teens that gives them some relational survival skills, right? Absolutely, Chris. You know, teenagers are people. And teenagers have conflicts, and teenagers experience anger.
And many times they don't handle it well, just as many adults do not handle it well.
So I think this book is going to be a real help for teenagers, gals and guys, because we all are relational creatures and we need to learn how to have positive relationships.
So I'm very excited about this book. And for any of our listeners that have a teenage son or daughter, I hope you'll get a copy of this and give it to them. A teen's guide conflict. Is this something that the teen just goes through themselves? Do the parents come alongside?
Would it be good for them to read it as well? I think it would be ideal if the teenager and the parent can do it together. each of them read it separately and then sit down and discuss it together. That would be ideal. But even if the parents are not available, it'd still be great just for the teen to read it.
Yeah. It's called A Teens Guide Conflict, How to Deal with Drama, Manage Anger, and Make Things Right. You can find it at the website buildingrelationships.us. All right, let's begin with a parental struggle that I think a lot of couples might be dealing with. Here's our first caller.
Hi, Gary. We have a son that just recently got married. We are struggling with them not wanting to spend time with us. Not that they've said that exactly, but that they're always with her family. We're the same distance apart from them and we just can't figure out why they don't want to spend time with us.
Now before he Got married, there were some. things that were said to us, he was very upset and but we forgave each other for the words that were said. My husband and I did not have a perfect marriage when we were raising him, and there was a lot of fighting. and that he had to hear Our marriage has gotten better, and we have been focusing more on the Lord, and we don't have those fights anymore.
However, when Ariston brought that up to me. It was very hard to hear. From their perspective, uh Her family is just so wonderful and great, and we are not. Thank you. appreciate us but We just don't get to see them.
We invite them over, but they're always so busy with her family. Um, we understand that they are their own family unit and that they're supposed to weave and creep. to each other, but there is no leaving and cleaving. from her side of the family. And so we just feel sadness.
Over hot It weighs heavy on my heart. I've tried to see Why, if there's a reason that they don't spend time with us, and my son just says, No, no, we're just busy. If you could give advice on what we are supposed to do. We try to invite them over for dinner. to have that relationship, but it just seems that there's not Time for us.
So, how do we move on from that? As they are their own family unit and we are ours. How do we have a good relationship with them that they would want to spend time with us and not just with their family? Thank you so much for taking my call. I appreciate it.
Well, I think a lot of our listeners can identify with this caller. uh adults who have adult children. and the way they are responding is not what they would like. And it is heartbreaking. I can understand that because we still love our children and we want to have a close relationship with them.
I think, however, we must recognize that whatever the cause, We must allow our children to make their own decisions as adults. just as God allows us to make our own decisions.
So we have to give them freedom, and if they choose not to spend as much time with us as they do the other family. And in this case, it looks like maybe very seldom do they spend time with you. I think we have to acknowledge that to them if we have a chance, just to say, you know. If there's anything else we can do that would make it easier for us to spend time together, we'd certainly be happy to do that. But if that's your choice, you know, and you feel like you don't have time to do that, then we're going to let you know we love you.
We're here for you. Anything we can do for you, you know, you let us know because we're going to love you even if we can't spend time with you. We don't want to make them feel guilty and hit them over the head and say, you know, you're not being fair to us and all those kind of things. That just makes it worse. Uh but I think uh loving them unconditionally And expressing that to them, you know, I just want you to know we do love you, we'd like to spend more time with you, but if that doesn't work for you, then we're going to accept that.
And anything we can ever do for you, you let us know, and we will be happy to do it because we love you. I think that approach is the best approach to take and then pray for them. that God will work in their hearts? That if there is something that needs to be dealt with and has not already been dealt with, that God will bring it to their minds. and they'll be open to share it with you and you all can work through that.
So I think part of it is learning to live. With a reality that we are not really happy with. It's a different reality than we would hope for when our adult children get married. But again, I come back to giving them the freedom to make their decisions. And there are, as many of our listeners know, other decisions that adult children make.
that are even more painful than what you are experiencing.
So We have to live with what we have with our adult children. and be open to praying that God will enhance the relationship. Trevor Burrus, Jr.: One of the things I hear, especially the emotion there, is the comparison. You know, if they had moved to another country and they weren't spending time with anybody in the family, it would be one thing. But if they're spending more time there, that comparison is a really hard thing to handle, isn't it?
It is because we expect that our adult children who get married, if they live local, that they'll spend an equal time with each set of parents. In fact, if I'm talking to young adults who are married, I tell them that, you know, if you're living in town and you have each of your parents are living close by, let's try to treat them with equality. And maybe even on holidays, because the caller mentioned holidays, one Christmas we will be with the wife's parents, next Christmas we'll be with our parents. But when you're in town also, it can work out where it doesn't have to be on that day. It could be Christmas with one set of parents and the next day, or the day before Christmas, time with the other set of parents.
For the adult child, my challenge is try to work with equality with the two sets of parents. Gary, one other thing. The Psalms are laments of like our caller has had. And it seems like there's something that God is doing inside of her heart, maybe her and her husband's heart. To bring them closer to him, something that the son and daughter-in-law can't fill, that void that they can't fill.
Do you agree with that? Yeah, I think so, Chris. You know, let's face it, family relationships are important to all of us. And we are deeply hurt when family members do say things or treat us in ways that we feel are unfair and unkind. But we have to recognize our peace comes from God, not from our family members.
And if certain members of the family tend to treat us in a way that we believe is not fair, let's not waste our time and energy just carrying a heavy load because of that, or from time to time lashing out or writing letters and telling them how we feel and trying to make them feel guilty. Let's recognize, listen, God wants to use everything that's happening in our lives. And if this is happening for you, God may want to use you to help other parents who are facing similar things, who are looking for satisfaction. In having a better relationship with their children rather than in having a closer relationship with God. Our featured resource today is a book that might be just what your teenager needs.
It's titled A Teen's Guide to Conflict, How to Deal with Drama, Manage Anger, and Make Things Right. You can find out more at buildingrelationships.us. Okay, I mentioned something new to the program this month. We are adding some questions from people who join us live as we record this conversation. Our first participant is here.
Your question, my friend. Hi, Gary. Thanks for having me.
So, just to give a little backstory before I go straight into my question.
So, I've been dating this girl for about a year and a half now. And I thought things had been going really well, but the more time that passes, the more I can see that she is not really active in her walk with the Lord. For example, not being in the Word or being involved in her church. Uh she grew up a pastor's kid uh in a bit of uh what she called a a legalistic setting, and I know that she endured some church hurt there. And I believe that Some of the undealt-with trauma that she endured during that time might be is what's turning her away from her faith today.
So, my question is: as a man who is pursuing a biblical marriage, and who loves this woman and doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with her. But as things currently stand, cannot, as she just doesn't seem uh committed in her faith. How can I navigate trying to help her get to a place of healing and ultimately uh get her being in an active walk uh with the Lord again? Or what general advice would you have for someone who's in this kind of situation?
Well, first of all, I think you are very, very wise to be thinking about these kind of things. You know, in American culture, dating, the process of dating is designed to help us explore the positive and the negatives about, you know, the person that we're dating. And if we do, as you say, love them and think we'd like to be married to them, but we're concerned about these issues, the dating stage of the relationship is the time to be dealing with those kind of things. Uh you know, you mentioned that uh she's had some church uh hurt in the past, which of course there are many people in our culture who have had that kind of hurt, either things that church members did to them or maybe in her case did to her father who was the pastor. But The individual who has experienced that has to work through that.
and not allow that to hinder their relationship with God. When you say that she's not in a personal relationship with God as closely as you would like, what kind of things are you talking about there? Kind of just makes me think of what we're called, you know, even in the Bible to do. Just from a very basic standpoint uh as Christians in uh In following the Lord, and that's being in the word and being involved in the local church as we're called to do. And so I would say those were.
probably the two biggest things that I I recognize that uh she's not really being active in her own personal walk. You know, I I do say that r r really trying to give grace 'cause I I know that she works in full-time ministry and you know, there's no doubt in my mind that she's saved and that she is a a daughter of of the Lord, but wishing that she would be a little more active in her uh everyday walk. When you say in the Word, are you aware that she is or is not having like a personal daily time with God in the Word? Yes, I am aware that she is not. Yeah, this was earlier on in our relationship, I would say around maybe month two or three.
And we were driving somewhere, and I happened to ask her the question: like, hey, you know, Uh, what do you read in the Bible these days? And she goes, Oh, well, I'm not. I actually haven't been. And I, you know, I couldn't. Take that and hold that against her there because we all go through seasons where we're, you know, maybe a little bit.
Dry not in the word as much as we'd like to be or as deep in our prayer life as we'd like to be.
So I couldn't hold that against her.
So I thought, you know, I'll give it some time and see where it goes. And here we are a you know, about a year and a uh year and a half into it and I haven't really seen much improvement in that area. Yeah. I think having been dating for a year and a half it's probably time to have a really open conversation, you know, about this, expressing your concern, the fact that because of past hurts, Uh she has not uh been involved in church or even a small group within church and uh how that you're concerned about that and wondering if maybe she shouldn't go for uh see a Christian counselor. to work through uh her pain, her hurt.
whatever her emotions are over what she's experienced in church. And then to mention the other thing of, you know, it appears that you don't have a personal daily time with God and that concerns me. Can you share with me, you know, you're asking her, can you share with me how you feel about these issues? And just, you know, have a really good focused time on it. and see where she is and what can be done.
Yeah. Because as I said earlier, the purpose of dating in our culture is to discover whether or not this person and I are marching to the beat of the same drummer. That we both have a deep commitment to Christ, that we both are growing in that relationship, that we're involved with other Christians. I think that conversation would likely be a good place to start. And it may lead to some positive changes on her part.
Or it may not. And if it does not, then you've got to decide, is this something that I want to live with? Or am I willing with do I think I need to walk away? Because Not all dating relationships lead to marriage. And it is a time for us to discover how closely we are in many areas, but especially in our walk with God, which is the most important of all areas of life.
I don't know if you've uh read my book things I wish I'd known before we got married. But if you haven't, I would say that'd be a good book for you to read and to suggest to her. Would you be open to our reading this together? Like, will you read the first chapter, I read the first chapter, and then at one of our dates we talk about what we might learn from that chapter? and just work through that book because toward the end of that book there is a section, a chapter, on the spiritual relationship.
And it would be a very natural way to do that. You're not engaged, and you don't have to be engaged to work through that book. But just to say, you know, Dr. Dr. Chapman wrote this book and I I just think I'd like to see us go through that book.
What what do you think? Are you open to that? And that would give you another indication if she's willing to discuss. real issues, you know, in preparation for the possibility of marriage. Yeah.
Let me flip it around. Let me say, what if she had called today and she said, I got a boyfriend, I really love him. Been a year and a half. he wants me to be somewhere that I'm spiritually not right now, for different reasons. doctor Chapman, what what should I do?
What would you say to her, Gary? I would say it's time for an open discussion. with you and him about exactly what you're asking me. Uh This is one area of life. We need to discuss several areas of life.
That's why I mentioned the book that has several of those things in it. But this is the most important area of life, is our relationship with God. And yes, we each have different backgrounds and we each have different experiences.
Some of those negative, some of those positive, particularly with church groups. We need to share both the negative and the positive. and how we are influenced by what has happened to us negatively or what's happened to us on the positive side.
So I would just say it's time for an open discussion about this part of your relationship with him and kind of see where that leads. All right, great question. Hope that encourages you as you listen today. If you're single and you're dating, if you go to Building Relationships.us, our featured resource is a teens guide conflict. how to deal with drama, manage anger, and make things right.
Just go to buildingrelationships.us. Usually "The 5 Love Languages" concept encourages couples Our next caller says he needs to understand why it ended a relationship in his life. Here's his call. Yes, good evening, Gary. It's a real pleasure to be able to speak to you.
I had spent probably, I don't know, a couple of years on Five Love Languages. really uh absorbing a great deal of of uh what I thought was really wonderful material.
Sometime on down the way, my wife, who was uh quite ill, uh became deceased uh after 13 years of caregiving on my part. And uh I became semi-seriously involved with a woman who I truly enjoyed. But unfortunately, I think we discovered some differences that we were unable to pursue our relationship after about four years. And it was so encouraging to find someone, uh with a Christian background who Was familiar with the material, with your book, with you, and anyway, as we pursued it and took steps to do so. I don't know, but uh the idea of pursuing the tangible parts of a relationship that involved uh Identifying "The 5 Love Languages" or which of them were most personal to each of us.
it seemed to shut down her response. It's always bothered me. It's always really bor more than bothered me. It was kind of a wounding that I still think about sadly to this day. I share all that with you with the idea that perhaps There is a, I don't know, maybe there was a major stumbling block, although I don't think we ever really identified what that was, except that.
We needed to put the book away. No, I I didn't feel that way. But She did.
Well, you know, Chris, as I listened to the caller I I'm certainly identifying with uh his frustration, you know, because "The 5 Love Languages" and an understanding of that concept on the part of both the male and the female should help them know how to communicate love to each other more effectively. I'm not sure uh what was going on in her mind. that made her uninterested to talk further about that concept. Uh unless she felt that his primary love language was something that she was not able to do and not willing to do because of maybe some things that had happened in her past, because we all are influenced by our past experiences. And it could be that in some past experience of hers, whether it was marriage or just a serious dating relationship, that she had been deeply hurt.
on a particular area of those five love languages. And so she didn't want to discuss that anymore. and kind of put that on the shelf. But that would be a red flag waving on his part for him to say if this is what she's feeling and she wants to draw away from this discussion on how to meet each other's emotional need for love. Then I guess maybe we shouldn't be together.
You know, apparently, I don't know whether she's the one that broke the relationship or if he actually broke the relationship, but. I think there's something going on in her history would be my guess. that's causing her to draw back from even wanting to discuss this concept. If he could ask questions and she'd be willing to reveal that. But apparently that would that didn't happen, you know, or she wasn't willing to even discuss it.
Again. Uh uh the r not all dating relationships lead to marriage. And that's a good thing. Because if we can't make it in a dating relationship and have uh continue to grow in our relationship with each other, then yes, there's a time to break off a dating relationship. It seems to me that there could be, once you got into the book, once they got into the book together.
She saw that she how serious he was about the relationship, and it scared her a little bit. And so. She wasn't on the same page as that, and so putting the book away was not about this doesn't work, it's that I'm feeling uncomfortable with this. But the other place that he, where he was, was this wounding, caring for his wife for that long. Losing her, so he's vulnerable in this place, and he finds someone that he, you know, he clicks with, that he had good conversations with.
And so it's almost this double wound. And I think that's one of the reasons why he called. It's like, this really hurts. And it should. Again, you go back to the lament that we talked about a little earlier.
That's a good thing to lament that loss. Absolutely, Chris, and I think you're exactly right. Because when you've lost someone that you've cared for for like 13 years, and that has been your life and your ministry. And then sometime after that, you find someone else with whom you enjoy being with, enjoying relationship with, you know, and then for whatever reason the other person is not willing to go forward and discuss certain things with you. It does hurt.
It does hurt. And so I'm empathetic with his pain and his struggle and his question. I don't know why she would have drawn back and maybe tried to break off the relationship at that point. But what you're saying is true. It may be that she was not.
Seeing this as a relationship that would lead to marriage in the first place. Whereas he was seeing it as something that would lead to marriage. This is the Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman podcast. Thanks for listening and for telling others about the conversations we have here.
When you go to fivelovelanguages.com, you can find more ways to strengthen your relationships. Just click the Resources tab and you'll find the podcast there and our featured resource, A Teen's Guide to Conflict. how to deal with drama, manage anger, and make things right. Again, go to fivelovelanguages.com or find us at buildingrelationships.us. Do tell a friend about the program and that they can ask a question if they would like.
Our listener line number is 866-424-GARY. We can't call you back. This is not a counseling line, but if you want to leave a question, we'd love to hear from you today. Or you can respond to something that you hear on the program. 1-866-424-GARY.
Gary, our featured resource is about teens and anger, but what about adults and anger? Here's our next caller. Yes, hi Gary. I have um That's fan please. It's very, um you see.
Then um I would like to look at some advice for a good book. Um Anger management. Thank you. Well, I'm sure that there are many wives who can identify with this caller. That is, they have a husband who has a temper problem.
That's the word she used. Because many men have never learned how to handle anger in a positive way. I would say also, many women have not learned how to handle anger in a positive way. That's why I wrote the book entitled Anger. TAMING A POWERFUL EMOTION All of us feel angry.
I believe because we have a sense of right and wrong, and when our sense of right is violated, we feel the emotion of anger. But we have two kinds of anger. We have what sometimes calls righteous anger, that is people wrong you or wrong someone else, and you should be angry. But we also get angry when we don't get our way. And this is what happens most of the time in a family relationship situation, that a husband's wife is not doing what he thinks she ought to do, then he gets angry with her because she's not doing it his way or doing what he wants her to do and that sort of thing.
So She was asking for a book or material that would help. That's the book I would recommend because I deal with it very thoroughly in that book. and have scriptures to relate to all the suggestions I give and how to handle anger. And many, many people. Have found that book to be helpful in learning how to handle their anger.
I'll go into it in great detail. And if he's willing to read the book with you, Or read the book on his own, then that can be a great help.
Now, whether or not he will be willing to read a book is another issue. Because sometimes people that are angry have a lot of stored anger. that they've never dealt with from the past. And so you offer them a book on anger and they get angry that you would be, as it were, confronting them with this whole issue. But it's certainly worth a chance.
But I am empathetic with this caller because none of us find it pleasant to have a spouse that is losing their temper and yelling at us and saying hateful things to us. I mean, this can't go on forever because it is very, very destructive. Yeah, I was going to ask you, and if you want to find out more about that book, BuildingRelationships.us, and you can see the different resources. You can find it right there, buildingrelationships.us. And another idea is he could listen to the audio book of that as well.
Um But what if she says this to him and he says, no, I don't have an anger problem, or pushes it back, gets angry at him. What does she do if he decides, I'm not doing anything that you want me to do, or I'm going to stay the way I am? What does she do? I would say uh sh it would be helpful for her to go see a Christian counselor. He likely will not go with her.
If that's his approach, if he's saying to her, I'm not going to read a book and I don't have an anger problem at all. It is a problem for her. His behavior is a problem for her. I would suggest she go to a counselor. Let a counselor help her begin to walk through how to respond and how to process her own hurt through all of this.
And let him know. I loved you too much to do nothing.
So, if you will go for counseling with me, I'll go with you. If you don't, I'm going by myself because I love you too much to sit here. and let you continue treating me the way you've been treating me. And sometimes that's a wake-up call for the person. And even if they don't go to counseling right away, they may on down the road agree, okay, I'm gonna go with you.
We can't change other people, but we can influence them. and we either have a positive influence or a negative influence. The positive influence comes when you are loving him in a meaningful way even when he is treating you badly. And if you can find positive things and ways to say to him, I love you, I care about you, that sort of thing. you're having a positive influence on him.
If you simply criticize him all the time for his behavior, then you're having a negative influence because he will continue to do it and get worse. It will get worse if your pattern is just to criticize, criticize, criticize.
Now if he's really abusing you, Physically abusing you, or just verbally abusing you over and over and over every day, then there is a place. for tough love. in which you can say to him, I love you too much to do nothing. because you're destroying me and you cannot be happy with yourself the way you the way you treat me. And so I'm going to go for counseling and then let that counselor help you walk through uh perhaps showing tough love.
And to say, you know, I can't just sit here and let you continue to do this. I'm going to move in with my mother or whatever plan you can have. I'm not abandoning you. I am willing to go for counseling with you, but I cannot sit here and do nothing. And therefore, I'm not going to be here for you to yell at me and scream at me or push me and all that sort of thing.
There's a place for that kind of love, tough love, but it's love. because we are not helping them by simply letting them continue that kind of behavior. The book again, Anger: Taming a Powerful Emotion by Dr. Chapman. You can find that at our website, as well as featured resource today: A Teen's Guide to Conflict: How to Deal with Drama, Manage Anger, and Make Things Right.
Just go to buildingrelationships.us. All right, Gary, here's our next call with a question for you. Hi, Dr. Gary. I've been listening to audiobook, "The 5 Love Languages" .
I've been listening to a lot of audiobooks right now. You know, we were never married. He was engaged. It was only a four-year, almost five-year relationship. We have a four-year-old son with special needs.
And um He decided to break up with me and no longer loved me and says he wants to continue to just co-parent. which, you know, I I I don't you know, I know I've been Uh, thinking, you know, being more religious, I grew up with Christian. But um yeah, I just knew I I probably suffered some type of I'm almost stuck. hurt him a lot. try to break up with me twice.
Basically I am trying to see how I can um So, I can show him when he's not letting me show him, and that we are far apart, so it's hard to do that when. We're not living together and When he I I just I I feel like um I want my family together and I can't do this alone, you know. I know he loves his son and I know he had some love for me. I just really need help. Thank you.
Now there was some time between that message was left and today.
So we called our caller and she kind of explained where she is now and what has happened in the meantime. And after Gary took in all of that information, This is what happened.
Well, I think anyone in her situation would be feeling some of the things that she's feeling because it is betrayal. But we can't control another person. And you're realizing that, I think he's made his decision. And I think you are being gracious if he's willing and wants to see his son and your son. you know, holidays and those kind of things.
It'd probably be better that he have that relationship for your son and for his benefit if you're willing to continue to do that. But it does appear that the relationship is over in terms of, you know, you you two being a couple. And I think we have to reconcile with that.
So you're going through grief. you have lost a person who was meaningful to you and with whom you have a son. And so I think the approach is for you to focus on your own personal growth at this time. Which I believe is that is what you're trying to do. You're getting counseling for yourself.
You're reading good books on relationships. And you mentioned your faith, that you reestablish your faith in God. And that's where real peace ultimately comes from. Many people are going to be mistreated in this world. But when we Come to God.
commit our lives to Him and begin walking with Him, get involved with the other Christians in the church. We're moving in the right direction because God can bring peace of mind and peace of heart even in the darkest situations. And ultimately, our well-being is found in our relationship with God, not in our relationship with someone else. Even in a marriage, we should not be looking to each other for ultimate fulfillment. We're looking to God for ultimate fulfillment.
I would encourage you to continue walking in the direction you're walking. and recognize that You are where you are. And again, I doubt that the relationship is going to be restored.
Now if God worked in his heart, You know, there is a possibility that he would come around and begin to develop their relationship again. But in the meantime, I think you simply pray for him. And you treat him with respect and as you said, and if you like, continue to let him see the sun on holidays and that sort of thing.
So you're in a hard place, but if you're walking with God and if you're involved in a Christian church, you're not walking alone.
So let God and your friends walk with you through the pain that you're going through. Thank you. I think it's a very good idea. I've been looking for churches nearby. I don't really know.
There's just so many denominations I don't really know. Um I also am trying to work. I'm I don't have anyone to be able to watch my son because of his behaviors. and, you know, because I can't, like, I'm I I had to let go a job that was full time and I'm doing per diem work. at the hospital as a social worker and Now my they suspended my son phone now.
I had to take two days off of work. I have no real like I'm just burnt out and I'm trying to Pay off my debt. I'm trying to, you know, support. ourselves. take care of myself and it's just I don't have the time.
You know, like it's just I literally run out of time. And I'm Phil Smith. Oh alone. And I'm trying to doubt my doubt. I have the Bible app, so I've been trying to do that.
There's like a challenge. It's like a desperate prayer. But it's like I feel like a little bit of like a fraud, like, Oh, I'm coming to help, of course, because I I have nothing else and I'm trying to just I'm trying. Yeah. Are you living at home or living with your parents?
My parents. My parents are letting me stay at the basement apartment. It's just they're a lot, like they're really elderly, like 85, and they're not able to deal with my situation.
so I don't really have anyone to watch him. Yeah, yeah.
Well, you're in a very, very difficult situation. That's why you really need to find a Christian, a church where you can be a part of a Christian group where people can help you.
So I would say don't give up on that. You reach out and try to, you know, visit a church, talk with anyone else who may be going to church and find someone because in times like you're describing, we need. people to be around us and with us as we're walking through this. Yeah. There are going to be people who hear this who will be praying for you, friend.
So, thank you. And you're not alone. There are other people who are going to be listening to this and say, I was going through that, I know where she is.
So be encouraged by that, but at the same time, as Gary said, there's a lot of grief and a lot of, I can just feel the weight that you're walking with. With all of these things, with the grief that you have over him, and then the situation with your son, and you don't want to be living in your parents' basement. You know, that's not where you thought you were you were going to be now. But you know, we're going to be praying for you, friend, okay? Thank you.
much I really appreciate And maybe you are the person who's listening and you identify. with where she is. Uh, would you shoot up a prayer for her today as you listen to this and as She comes to mind. It's a prayer for mercy and grace and understanding and wisdom about how to move forward, patience. an ability to connect with the heart of God.
We would appreciate that. And if you go to buildingrelationships.us, you can find out more about the program in August. Gary and Dr. Jennifer Thomas answered a question from a mom named Jessica. And this might help you in your parenting.
This comes from a conversation about a teen's guide to conflict. Jessica's son is sixteen. He is vexed by his six year old sister, who wants his time and attention, 'cause she likes her old brother. But he wants to be left alone. Here's a little of the answer that doctor Thomas and doctor Chapman gave.
Well, Jessica, first I feel for you and for the family, it's tough when there's conflict going on. It can be stressful for everyone. And, you know, ideally, we want for people to be enjoying each other and enjoying outings and even being around the house together. But when there's that tension, the days can just drag on and you feel like you're just barely surviving sometimes. I've got three kids as well, which is part of why I hopped in with this answer.
And, you know, I've certainly seen this as I've counseled families as well. And I do think that part of it comes back to personality differences. And that's something that we talk about a good bit, that some conflicts are the result of natural differences with others. They're different perspectives, opinions, and preferences. Also, you've got the age differences.
And there may also be differences like introversion and extroversion that are Just starting to show up here. That's normal and even healthy, but it can be hard to wait until there's more maturity and hopefully less of a gap between their interests. And not an answer, but I do remember seeing some of this gap with I have boy, girl, boy, and So the gap between my two boys is pretty significant. And I remember that my older son said, Mom and dad, it's just, it's hard to be with little brother because he's really annoying and he thinks he knows everything. And I'm really almost not enjoying our family vacation because he's just hard to be with.
And can you all please do something? We said, you know, I'm sorry, I don't know what we can do. He's that age and you went through it too. I don't know if you remember it, but you thought you knew everything and you did kind of emerge through the other side. And so just hang in there and hopefully things will change in a few months or years.
You know, I'm the love language man, so. If you're two teenage children, Have not read another book for teenagers that we wrote earlier called A Teen's Guide to "The 5 Love Languages" .
so that your teenager can understand All of us have a love tank. We all need to feel loved by other people that we're close to, and especially in the family. And if they get this concept that each of them has a different love language, mom and dad has a different love language, and we want to know each other's language and we want to love each other in the right love language. Because my guess is that this six-year-old, the love language may be quality time. Wanting him to do things with her, do things with her, do things, do things.
And so if he realizes that that's a way to love her. Then he can give her some quality time, the six-year-old, some quality time, and then say, Now, I have got to go do da da da da da da da. And because he gave her that quality time, the love tank is filling up in that six-year-old.
So I just. Throw that in. I think it can also have an effect on the way we treat family members if all of us have the concept of the love languages. Yeah, very useful. Jessica, the other question I had was, does what you said at the beginning of the question, does he know that?
Does he know that she really likes him and wants his approval and wants to spend time with him? Does he understand that? He does. But I'm not sure he totally does. He also tells us, you know, as parents, and you're not doing anything about it.
Yes, I am. You know, what do you want me to do? You know, so no, he does, but I'm going to keep reiterating. We keep telling him, you know, she loves you. She looks up to you.
You're her older brother. And I know there's a big age gap there, but really, at the end of this, all she wants is a little bit of your time, even five. Minutes of your time, you know, he's busy with his friends, or you know, he likes video games and all the things that teens like, you know, and she's just not old enough to do that stuff yet.
So, we have told him it's just a battle, but the Lord is in it. I know he hears my prayers, and this advice you've given is great. I didn't think about the love language, but I am going to let my older two read that, the book for teens, because that's great. Again, that's Dr. Gary Chapman and Dr.
Jennifer Thomas, co-authors of A Teen's Guide to Conflict: How to Deal with Drama, Manage Anger, and Make Things Right. It's our featured resource at buildingrelationships.us. I hope that answer encouraged you as a parent today. Again, find that featured resource at buildingrelationships.us. And next week...
Dr. Julie Slattery will talk about surrendered sexuality. What is the true purpose of God's gift of sexuality? Find out in one week. A big thank you to our production team Steve Wick and Janice Backing.
Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in Chicago in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.
