We're all divided, but we got to stay united, okay? This era of Christianity, we got to stay united because when we get up to heaven, I feel like they're not going to like us, you know? People in heaven are not going to like people from 2024, you know? They're going to be like, we give up our firstborn child for the faith. We're like, we give up chocolate on Wednesdays, you know? They're like, how did you become a Christian? Like a missionary came to my village in the 1500s.
What about you? I was watching the Super Bowl and I saw he gets us commercial. John Crist using religion for his to his own advantage. He is. That's the intro line. I'll take it. Now keep going. Thank you.
Yeah, because you highlighted your plug. He's got a brand new tour. He has named it Jokes for the Human tour, which encompasses all of us. And where are you going to be next?
Was it next? Oh, I don't want to brag up top here, but I'm sold out in Branson, Missouri. Branson, Missouri. That's middle of America.
That is, that's the people that listen to us right now. Yeah. Do we got a show over there? Do we have, are we in Branson?
I thought you knew them all. We're in St. Louis. Yeah. Well, no, I know that. But Branson's not near St. Louis, is it? No, I don't think so. Yeah, I think we should. A man of the people, Brian Kilmeade, that's 13 hours apart.
Branson to St. Louis. Oh, yeah. I don't know, actually.
We're not doing good at geography. Alright, not yet. So, so, John, last time I talked to you, the summer was coming up, you go, I'm taking a month off, right? Yeah. How did that go? Great. Yeah.
And did you write the whole time? Well, you know, the only time I'm stressed is when I come up here. Why? Everybody in Branson, everybody in middle America, the listening is doing great. It's stressful here in this city. Because nobody's happy. Yeah, I, you know. The mayor's under indictment, the governor's going to get rid of the mayor.
Go walk around, especially this, with how cold it is. Right. Nobody's happy. Right. That's true. But it is February. Yeah. And we should, if anybody should understand the weather as New Yorkers. They should know.
I do check myself once in a while that this is winter, four seasons. Yeah. You have to deal with that.
Yeah. My agent or my publicist is like, when do you want to go up and see Brian in New York City? I go, February. Fantastic. Told the brochures.
Yes, February. She said she wanted to go see the Statue of Liberty. I go, no. We're not doing that today. Because you've got to take a boat to it. No, we're not doing that.
It's outside. Ever? Yeah. No.
Yeah, I've already been. Yeah. Right. Who's she? That's my girlfriend. She's off camera.
Right. But based on, you know, she's not allowed to be here. She's not allowed to be on screen yet. But, you know, she can be off camera. Off camera girlfriend. You have not, she has not signed a release.
Everybody listening to this is like, there's definitely no woman over there. Yeah. When is, yeah, when, when can she sign? When can she be on air?
Yeah. Well, I'm her publicist, actually. So you have to talk to me about having her as a guest. I'm talking to you now.
What's going on? But, you know, I also think it's interesting that she thinks you're, she thinks you're funny, right? My girlfriend thinks I'm funny. I mean, can you imagine dating someone? Somebody that doesn't think you're funny when you have a tough? Well, keep in mind, we are dating. So I'm assuming every day is an audition. Every guy that's been married for 10 years.
He's like, no, she doesn't think I'm funny. I'm sure. Right.
Yeah. I mean, because the stories run out. Yeah, then they any woman married for 10 years guy heard this story.
The husband goes, Can I tell a joke? Here we go with this again. Right. So true. John, you're under pressure to come up with new material.
A lot of pressure per you the perfect boyfriend. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Always fresh. Right. Everything's fresh. You know what?
Hey, I tell her that perfect boyfriend. Right. Let's go. But unlike, see, when you do a special, you got to get rid of all that material. Got to be out. Yeah. Right.
One came out on Monday. So that's all gone. Right. Oh, you had a special on Monday. Okay.
Yeah, it is. I apologize. Where is this in the press?
Why I came here? Here we go. It's just your brand is where you're on the seventh. That's in two weeks. Right. And then on the eighth in Kansas City. So you're going to travel right after the show. Yeah, we're going to the Midland theater. Yeah. And then you're going to be at the factory in St. Louis. There you go.
I cannot believe this on the ninth. Yeah. You know who's coming up on the 22nd there? You. Yes.
Really? Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's a nice theater, too. Yeah.
Beautiful theater. But it's big. Yeah, it's big. I don't know if it's, I don't, I don't think I'm, Brian, the factory is really my speed. I'm gonna have a hard time filling that up.
Where are you? You have to wait 20 minutes to fill that up. Right? Yes.
I think we added a second show, I believe. Did you really? Yeah. That is taunting. No, no.
That should not be allowed. It's right by the Top Golf there. Yeah, the factory. Yeah, probably not March, though, but it's nice. What do you think? How do you handle the election now that it was finally over? We know who the president is. There's no controversy.
How does that factor into your? Well, I said, I, in the neighborhood, I go, this is the first time this has ever been said, I missed the election days. Really? The neighborhood, at least, you know, with the signs, it was the best. Because you knew? Yeah, you're holding the signs up. Like, I would tell my, like, we came home for Christmas.
Right. And my parents, we have, there's 16 people in the family, so we have to stay at neighbors' houses. And I came, we stayed in my neighbor's house, and I came back. And I go, Mom, you know, in their backyard, they have cats, cats for Joe Biden sign. And my mom goes, never again. Or never stay in there again. Can I ask them? I mean, do they have hotels? Why would you stay with a neighbor? It's Lilburn, Georgia. There's no hotels out there.
Now I'm being roasted. Is that true? Yeah, there's no, I mean, the closest hotel is like 20 minutes away. So when I played soccer, we never stayed in hotels. It would make the families of the teams we're playing house us.
Think about how unhealthy that is. Yeah, the opponent. What year is this? 1800s? No, in the 1800s when they did travel soccer.
Yeah, of course, again, boys. Once you're done with the cat, you gotta go grab a scrimmage later. Wait, so you play against the team and then go home with the parents? Yeah, it was crazy. Think about that.
We didn't know nothing about the parents. Have you ever said this? No. This is the craziest thing. This is the stand-up bit.
I did not know that. Now I'm realizing... And I bet people listening who go, oh my gosh, we did that. Yeah, I mean, put it this way. I remember going to Virginia's and going, sorry, we don't have the money. That was three states away. And we drive.
Basically, we'd have to rotate tires halfway. But you were somebody else's kid. Yeah, so you would go and you'd say, okay, sometimes you get to go with your teammate. Other times you go by yourself. And you just go with the Johnsons. And what could go wrong?
Yeah, what could go wrong? And now these days, the parents are like, who are the Johnsons? Who is his mother?
Who is his father? They need to meet. They need to have lunch together. Yeah, they have to spend a year together before we...
I heard that kids aren't doing sleepovers anymore. Yeah, I heard that too. Yeah, you heard that? Yeah, well, why would you?
You could get sued. Yeah, we shouldn't be doing that. Right. Yeah. Can I go over to so-and-so's for a sleepover? Why, are we out of beds? So this is John. So I wanted to ask you, how do you feel about these prayer apps?
Because it really caught me by surprise. Oh, the prayer apps? What's the matter? No. Oh, no. Oh, yeah.
I thought she was setting me up for this. Oh, no. No, I... You just pointed to Allison through the glass. Yeah. Well, Mark Wahlberg has one. Yeah.
That's the biggest one. Hollow? I go, the voice from Ted? We're praying to him? The guy from Are We Sure? That's the guy. He's like, guys, listen up.
And Mark Wahlberg has done, you know, Entourage and all these movies. And he's like, guys, prayer. Prayer is the most important.
I go, hold on, we missed the switch. I know, absolutely. I think he's Catholic. You're gonna be impressed with this.
St. Augustine. Yeah. He was a crazy man, had a revelation, had a great time. Yeah. Changed his ways. Yeah. Why can't Wahlberg... He should be allowed to.
He should be allowed to. Yeah. If they let us in, they let him in. I was struck by the ad. You know, it's Mark Wahlberg saying something, and then he's like, prayer app. I was like, wait, what?
We need like a, you know, like NBA players have like a chart of like the power rankings. We need to know who's religious, because sometimes you switch in teams and we didn't know. So a couple of things are going on. Number one, should you be charging for a prayer app? Right? I mean, this is... Oh, you've had to pay for it. You do it.
I don't think it's free. Yeah. Well, you gotta listen to the commercials.
You have a choice. I'm pretty sure... I've read the book. I'm pretty sure you can talk to him directly. You mean the Bible? Yeah.
I just got that. Here's John Chris talking about what you can and can't pray for. In heaven, there's no jobs, okay? And I think to break the ice, and this is just me, this is how my brain works, I think you would ask, how did you die? Wouldn't that be the first question you would want to know from everybody? How'd you die? I was in a hot air balloon accident.
What? That's a... How did you die? Oh, I was getting baptized.
I got eaten by a crocodile. That's the wildest story I ever heard. You want to go up to heaven with some fun on your resume. The end of that joke is, you can't lie in heaven, I'm guessing, because there's no sin.
And some people... And they're taping everything. Some people are like, I was a martyr for the faith. I was one of the legends. And then some guy goes, nah, I died of COVID. They're probably gonna make fun of you. In heaven?
Yeah, they're gonna be like, they're gonna talk behind your back, for sure. Because you gotta say, I'm guessing they say, what was on your death certificate? How'd you die?
And you want to go up there with something cool, at least. Wouldn't that be the first question you'd want to ask? That is a great question.
How'd you die? It is something similar. Because there's no sadness up there, also.
So you can talk about it in a fun way. And how do you know that? Yeah.
I don't know, that's in the book. By the way, you have a special coming up February 18th. Yeah. Which is soon.
February 18 has passed. True. Yeah.
It's called Emotional Support. So it happened. But it's still good to watch, right?
Yeah, it's unbelievable. Yeah, it just came out. What did we get?
It's on YouTube. The biggest platform the biggest social media platform. And that's what everybody can get.
So a couple of things. Does that mean you're your total entrepreneur? That means it's your channel?
Or did someone in YouTube hire you to do this special? It's, well, I financed it. And then there was we had a couple offers from a couple different platforms that and but it's it's just with my crowd is so big.
My follower is so much over there. It's hard to compete with it. Because you're going to sell it to some other platform, and they're going to put it on theirs.
Mine is bigger. Right. So why would I go over there? You're totally on your own. You don't need anybody. Well, I'm here. This was a friendship. I didn't know I was being used.
I wish I knew. Here's john talking about 21st century Christians getting to heaven. We're all divided, but we got to stay united.
Okay, we got this a this era of Christianity, we got to stay united. Because when we get up to heaven, I feel like they're not gonna like us, you know, people in heaven are not gonna like people from 2024. You know, they're like, we give up our firstborn child for the faith.
We're like, we give up chocolate on Wednesdays, you know. They're like, how did you begin? How'd you become a Christian? Like a missionary came to my village in the 1500s.
What about you? I was watching the Super Bowl and I saw he gets us commercial. And then on YouTube, this came out, this special came out on YouTube. So go out and check it out.
It's called emotional support comedy special. The good news is it's popular. The bad news is you got a great all that material, you gotta get rid of all it. Yeah, but it's fresh coming in two weeks. It'll be fresh.
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Exclusion supply. He's so busy he'll make your head spin. It's Brian Kilmeade. I guess things change for me on Tuesday night. Tuesday night? What happened Tuesday night? I saw your act.
My act? What does that have to do with anything? Well, to be honest, it just didn't make it for me. It's just so much fluff.
I can't believe this. So what are you saying? You didn't like my act? So that's it? I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do.
You're a cashier. Jerry, it just, it wouldn't have had a humor. You can't go by the audience that night. It was late.
They were terrible. I heard the material. I have other stuff.
You should come see me on the weekend. That is, I did not see that episode. That is so funny. Right? I mean, that's just it. It's like, hey, you're a good-looking guy. I just don't think you're funny. Has that ever happened? That really has not happened to you. Yeah, all the time. They go, I don't get it.
Right. What do you mean you don't get it? Like, people say I'm sexy.
Like, John, you're sexy, but you're not funny. A lot of times. That's what everybody says. The first thing they say.
Very sexy. Right. And then the second thing is? Uh, yeah. Or they mostly just say, I don't, I didn't get it.
They go, yeah, I got on your social media. What, what is this? I go, it's a, it's a long story. You know what's so interesting is, I know people that will watch Seinfeld.
Do you think Seinfeld's funny? Yeah, I do. So I watch people go, I don't get it. Yeah.
Like, they're smart people. Yeah. I'm like, what don't you get?
I'm like, it's a. Well, comedy's very, you ever sent, sent like a funny, we share stuff back and forth with each other. Yeah.
You ever shared something with somebody? They go, I didn't, I didn't think it was funny. We're not friends anymore. We're done. Right. That's like, one of the worst scenes you can say to you. Oh, yeah.
I don't think this is funny. What? Do you know what happened today? What? The Yankees came out and got, changed their, their, their facial hair rules. You now can have a beard, long hair with the Yankees. And they never before, never? Never before. Today, you're talking about a hundred years when they were the Highlanders, no facial hair.
They allowed to have mustaches, that's it. Yeah. It's like the military and the Yankees. Do you think that's a bad sign for the country?
I mean, but they're going to turn into the Red Sox. Right? Yeah, that's not a good thing. Like barbarians. Yeah, these are our leaders.
Right. If you go, what is America? You go baseball and the Yankees and the Statue of Liberty. And now these guys are going to look like cavemen. Now it's baseball and the Statue of Liberty, no Yankees in between. Here is the moment this, this actually happened, right? This is the moment that George Steinbrenner was asked by Lou Panella if he could grow a beard. And this is what Lou Panella said George Steinbrenner said to him. I didn't know Mr. Steinbrenner at all.
I'd just been traded there and joking around. I said, our Lord Jesus Christ had long hair. Things seem to work out for him. And he didn't say a word. He says, jump with me. And I walked across the street to the Fort Lauderdale swimming pool.
And he says, if you can walk across that water, you can wear your hair any way you want. That's pretty funny, right? That's a great joke. Right. Stellar.
But it's bad for America that this is not happening. I wonder why. Did they say?
No. They just said beards now? No, it's not like Aaron Judge. If Aaron Judge says, listen, I'm growing a beard. They're like, we're changing policies. We're changing everything. Don't want to go to the Bronx anymore. We'll move to Manhattan. Well, we gave you a billion dollars.
So I tell you what, you can probably grow your facial hair. Right. And listen, we're on WABC. So I don't want to put anyone in New York.
But Aaron Judge is perfect, except for the playoffs. Yeah. Oh, whoops. Oh yeah. Now you're going to get some heat for that. All the Trump stuff is fine. You said Aaron Judge is not good in the playoffs.
I probably can't walk the streets. Well, they're probably like, if that's going to help him hit in the playoffs, fine. Right. I mean, I don't know if he can grow facial hair. That guy's a monster.
Have you ever seen him? Yeah. 6'6". Gosh. I mean, for a baseball player.
Playing baseball and just jacked. Right. And fast. Yeah. And can play center field. They got it. Well, there's no salary cap, right, in baseball.
So you can have everybody. Do you do the same thing in the luxury tax? Like, John, you can outspend your stipend. Yeah. But at one point, the interest rates on the loans you're taking out to live this lifestyle of yours is going to come back to haunt you.
Yeah. And then you get the Mets, and they spent all the money in the world, and they're still not good. I love that the Mets did this, and they go, listen, I know I'm going to be the richest kind of baseball, but don't worry about it. I will not spend a lot. I will not blow the salary cap out of plays.
He goes, yeah, I lied. Yeah. Yeah. I bought everybody. I bought everybody. You bought Jeter?
Yeah, he's back. Wow. I didn't think you could do that. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm doing it. Everybody wanted the Subway series. We did.
For the World Series. Did you guys outside New York, do you think anybody wanted it? Yeah, yeah. Oh, you think so?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's what people pay attention to New York for, because around the country, people watch New York for, like, the Knicks. Right. Now. Everybody knows the Knicks. Right.
And Jaylen Bronson. Right. And I don't know, the pickpocketers on Times Square. We have a lot.
Yeah, so they know about. Those were the good old days, pickpocketers. Now it's assaults.
Just general assaults. Well, you know, inflation. I want everything. I want everything you wear. I just don't want it in your pocket.
Well, I mean. I want everything. If the Yankees can grow beards, then Elsa on Times Square is going to take your wallet. Fantastic. I think that's where we're going. And by the way, Elsa is big and strong enough that she will take even John Chris' wallet. I never even introduced you.
I got robbed by Elsa. Yeah, absolutely. Listen, John's got a special on YouTube. And he's going to be at the factory right before me. Yeah. So clean the place up.
We're pretty much touring together. Right. And very similar. Yeah.
And very similar material. That's the problem. Do you still have any of my jokes in your show? I don't know. I gave you a bunch of jokes. Yeah, but you told me to do it with the city.
Oh, yeah. You wrote it for the city. You didn't write it to me. I can't carry this with me, does it really? It doesn't travel well.
Fair. You don't even remember what you give me? Purpley18, check him out on YouTube and check out his tour. Where do we find you on your tour? YouTube. At John Chris.
JohnChrisComedy.com. All right. And you sold that everywhere. So this is a... You didn't even have to commit. I'm doing this for you. You're doing it for me? Yeah.
I thought I was doing it for you. I'm Dana Perino. This week on Perino on Politics, I'm joined by former GOP strategist and host of The Rich Zeoli Show, Rich Zeoli. Available now on FoxNewsPodcast.com or wherever you get your favorite podcasts. Must listen to podcasts from Fox News Audio. Listen to the show ad-free on Fox News Podcast Plus on Apple Podcast, Amazon Music with your Prime membership or subscribe wherever you get your podcasts.
