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The Alex McFarland Show-142-Blended: Navigating the Challenges and Joys of a Stepfamily with guests Paul and Jeannette Savage

Alex McFarland Show / Alex McFarland
The Truth Network Radio
December 31, 2024 12:00 am

The Alex McFarland Show-142-Blended: Navigating the Challenges and Joys of a Stepfamily with guests Paul and Jeannette Savage

Alex McFarland Show / Alex McFarland

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December 31, 2024 12:00 am

On this week’s episode of The Alex McFarland Show, Alex welcomes Paul and Jeannette Savage who have been married for 17 years and navigated parenting a blended family together. They discuss their book, Blended: Navigating the Challenges and Joy’s of a Stepfamily. Family is one of the most important realities in all of our lives and yet statistics show that the state of the American family is really suffering. Family is such a gift from God! 

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1 Corinthians 13:4-7

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The spiritual condition of America, politics, culture, and current events, analyzed through the lens of Scripture. Welcome to the Alex McFarland Show. What is something common to all people? It doesn't matter who you are, where you grew up, something that even though we're in a world of differences, I can guarantee that this is part of your journey and your experience. I'm Alex McFarland here. We've got a very special show.

I'm very excited about the topic, very excited about the guest that you'll meet in just a moment. But I travel a lot, and I meet a lot of people. It's a great privilege in the line of work that God has called me to. If there's one thing that is common to all human beings, it's family. We are all part of a family. We all, no matter who you are, we all have a mother and father. Maybe you were blessed to have siblings.

I did, it was a blessing. I don't know if being my sibling was a blessing to my sister, but family is one of the most important realities in all of our lives. And yet, statistics show that the state of the American family in many quarters is really suffering. And so this show, we're going to talk about family. And I've got a very special couple, Paul and Jeanette Savage.

They're the authors of Blended, the Challenges and Joys of a Step-Family. We'll talk about that in a moment. Let me tell you a part of why this means so much to me. You know, we do camps, we talk about this a lot.

We're in front of 1,200 teenagers every summer. And many of them, when I talk to these kids, and obviously the primary goal is that they would know Christ, that they would build their lives on a biblical worldview. But I've been very concerned for a number of years because so many young people, marriage and raising children, that's just not a real priority in the lives of many young people.

And I've heard so many painful stories of negative family experiences. And so I tell people of all ages that family is such a gift from God. And with us now to talk about this, and even in spite of some of the challenges, in spite of some of the hurdles that we have to work through. This show is about praising God for family and recommitting all of ourselves to invest in family.

You know our slogan, we've said many times, folks, lose at anything else, but win with your family and with your children. Well to talk about this, and I'm so honored to bring them to the mic, Paul and Jeanette Savage, they are being used by God in a great way. And their book, their website actually, blendedbook.org, blendedbook.org, we'll talk about that and how I sincerely believe this book will be a great resource for all families.

And maybe after hearing their story, you would want to check it out, not only for yourselves, but as a gift perhaps. But to talk about family and blended families and the blessings of family, Paul and Jeanette Savage, welcome to the program. Thanks, Alex. Thanks for having us on today. Thanks, Alex. Well, it's good to have you on. And I'm on the road and you are at your home, I believe, and we're recording this.

So I will say if there are any audio glitches, that's just part of doing radio from many miles apart. But first of all, I want to hear a little bit of your story, how God brought you all together, and then how God called you into this very, very vital work of encouraging America's families. I'll start. I'm originally from Michigan. Jeanette and I, we live in Colorado. We both lived in Colorado now for 36 years. We've been married for 17 years. I was married in my first marriage for 10 years. I had sort of a typical life. We had kids, family, and unfortunately, for many reasons, our marriage fell apart and went through a nasty divorce, lost a business, all within about a four or five month period. And my life collapsed, lost every penny I had.

But the thing is, God was with me that whole time. And then I was single for about three years, met Jeanette. And we've been married for, it will be 17 years on Sunday. Wow. Happy early anniversary. Yeah.

Well, thank you. We have five kids. So I have two kids from my first marriage. And Jeanette has three kids and she'll tell you a little bit about herself.

Yeah. So I was actually, I'm from, I was born in Nebraska and then moved to Wyoming. I was raised by basically, I mean, a single mom. My dad and her were never married.

They were together, but not married. And then my dad unfortunately died of a brain aneurysm when I was two. So I was raised without my father and my mom did eventually marry and I came from a stepfamily. But unfortunately, my stepfamily experience was pretty traumatic.

My stepfather was abusive. And so for me, I wanted to have a family of my own. I wanted to have an intact family. I wanted to have children and have my kids have their parents together.

And so that was, that's what I wanted to do. And so I got married pretty young. I was 19 when I first got married and we had three kids and, you know, our marriage was OK. It wasn't great, but my first husband struggled with sexual sin. And so that was a history that we had throughout our marriage.

And eventually he just would not get help for that. And our marriage ended because he was looking outside of our marriage. And so, you know, we we got we were married about 20 years and separated for a year. And during that time, I really focused on I was in therapy, really tried to do everything I could to make my marriage work. And unfortunately, it didn't. And I for a long time, I really struggled with getting divorced because being a Christian and growing up the way I did and I wanted to have this family for my children.

And it didn't I felt like it was falling apart. And so just through therapy, working on the trauma from my childhood, I got to a place after we got divorced that I really wanted to have a relationship where it was a partnership. And I really had no intentions of getting married again, though, to be quite honest. After going through something very painful and navigating a deep valley like that, I would suspect both of you probably never anticipated going into that again and getting married again.

Well, no, I actually did. I wanted to be married again. I wanted to have a good marriage. I didn't have a great marriage.

It was drugs, alcohol, sexual addiction on myself as well, too, that I've worked on and I've been sober for many years now. And so I really wanted to be married. But Jeanette, no, she just wanted to be friends. I basically just wanted some companionship when my kids were with their dad and, you know, somebody to go to dinner, go to a movie. And so I we actually met online. We were on Match.com and Paul was the one and the only person I ever agreed to meet. When we first met, we went to lunch and there was just an instant connection there. I felt like he really had worked through the things in his life that he really needed to work through. And I had done the same. And we really just had a great connection from the very beginning.

And I would imagine that both of you, even prior to meeting, had invested a lot of time in prayer. But before we talk about that, we've got to pull away for a brief break. Folks, stay tuned. We're going to talk about what might be some of the most important content you'll hear, which is about family. Stay tuned. Our very special guests, Paul and Jeanette Savage, more about families and blending with God's help and for God's glory. Stay tuned.

We're back after this. Fox News and CNN call Alex McFarland a religion and culture expert. Stay tuned for more of his teaching and commentary after this. Christian author and speaker Alex McFarland is an advocate for Christian apologetics, teaching in more than 2200 churches around the world, schools and college campuses. Alex is driven by a desire to help people grow in relationship with God. He arms his audiences with the tools they need to defend their faith while also empowering the unchurched to find out the truth for themselves. In the midst of a culture obsessed with relativism, Alex is a sound voice who speaks timeless truths of Christianity in a timely way. With 18 published books to his name, it's no surprise that CNN, Fox, The Wall Street Journal and other media outlets have described Alex as a religion and culture expert. To learn more about Alex and to book him as a speaker at your next event, visit alexmcfarland.com or you can contact us directly by emailing booking at alexmcfarland.com.

He's been called trusted, truthful and timely. Welcome back to The Alex McFarland Show. Welcome back to the program.

I heard a really bad joke one time. It said families are like brownies, mostly sweet with a few nuts. Alex McFarland here.

Welcome back to the program. All kidding aside, family is so important and shapes our lives in so many ways. Paul and Jeanette Savage, their book is Blended, the Challenges and Joys of a Step-Family. In the first segment, you were talking about how you met online. I was reading a statistic recently that something like 60% of marriages nowadays, people met online. But you guys, 17 years of marriage, you were kind of early adopters of finding something. Was that scary back then? For me, it was actually. I was very leery, especially I was a little leery about meeting a stranger and then maybe potentially introducing this person to my kids. So I was very careful about that. And that's why I only met him. He was the one and the only person I ever agreed to meet. Sure. You build a relationship.

God is bringing you together. What were the ages of your children back at that point? They would have been 10, 11, 15, 16, 18. How was that? Did they mesh pretty well from the get go or did you have some wrinkles to iron out? Yeah. And the reality is, Alex, that most step-families don't mesh well. There's usually one or two kids that don't blend in. You know, Jeanette's boys, you know, they both played sports.

I played football in college. And so I could connect with them. Her youngest daughter, Danny, or our youngest daughter. And Danny's my daughter. I don't call her my stepdaughter. She's my daughter.

And so Danny, I don't think Danny spoke to me for about two years, maybe 10 words, 15 words. And that's pretty common in step-families because she felt she was betraying her dad. And she resented you.

Yeah. And she resented me. And it took her eight years to tell her she loved me. Wow. Now, how hard was that on you? I mean, here, you've married their mom. You're building a union together.

You're working, providing. Was that like, you know, a gut punch that she resented you and wouldn't even acknowledge you? Well, it wasn't.

It really wasn't a gut punch. And she acknowledged me. I mean, she knew I was there.

But where are you going to say something? I think that, you know, when we first started out and having difficulty with our kids, we would talk to each other about that. He would not hold that in. But he would come to me and kind of vent his frustration about what was happening. And then I would go to her and I would talk to her about it. And I sat down with her and I told her, I said, it's OK if you don't like him.

I'm OK with that. I give you permission not to like him, but you will be respectful. So if he speaks to you, you need to be polite. You need to answer him.

You need to acknowledge him when he says hello to you. And I think that was probably the first point where she realized, OK, the pressure's off. Like, I don't owe this person anything.

But I can treat him respectfully. And I think the fact. Well, I know the fact that Paul was patient and he was kind and he loved her regardless that she is a tough cookie. She was really tough. And the fact that he he really was patient and kind to her won her over.

And it took a long time, but it eventually happened. And today their relationship, just like he said, like she's his daughter. And when she got married a few years ago, she had given them a gift and it said it was a wallet.

And it said, God didn't give me that or you didn't give me the gift of life, but God gave me the gift of you. Oh, wow. Yeah. And that's what you have to have. You know what?

We encourage people that are in step families or someone that knows a step family. You know, the Apostle Paul talks about patient and hupo meno, patient endurance. And that's what this is, is patient endurance, because anyone that thinks they're going to put different families, different traditions, different cultures, it could be cultures, all these things. And then it's just going to easily just blend together and there's never going to be any conflict issues.

They're kidneys. It's not true. Let me ask you guys something. Give us some numbers about the landscape today. How many American families are blended families? Is the culture at large versus within the church? Are the percentages different? How many families are going through these blendings as we speak? Yeah, so start with divorce rate, Alex. Everyone says the divorce rate is 50%.

It's actually not. The actual divorce rate is about 38% of all marriages. Now, within the church, it actually is lower. It's about 30%, roughly. But then we go into step families, and the number of step families in America are people that have a step relationship. So that could be a step grandparent, a step grandchild, a step kid. It's 100 million, is the estimate in the U.S. And every day, there are 2,000 new step families formed in the United States. That's amazing.

That is a very high statistic. Frankly, I'm encouraged that you say the divorce rate within churches is actually lower than the national averages, because I had heard otherwise. But in your own journey, Jeanette, how much did the church help you as you guys were... First of all, and I've done a lot of weddings as a pastor and as a minister. Just you all blending as a couple, that's a transition in itself, but you've got the added dynamic of children. How much did your church invest in your brand new family?

Well, for both of us. For me, when I went through my divorce, I'm one of those statistics of people who left the church during my divorce. Because I didn't feel understood or heard or even supported because of the situation that I was in. And so it doesn't mean that I walked away from my relationship with God, because during that time, God carried me through that difficult time. But when Paul and I met, we began going to a church that was our own. And so we were new and making friends and relationships. And so we did, the pastor that married us was very good at supporting us and just coming alongside us as we were blending after we got married and was blending our family. And then we also, our best friends still today were a big encouragement too.

He was a pastor at our church and him and his wife had been married for many years and they really walked beside us, prayed for us. You know, Alex, what's sad is that, you know, it's estimated that 70% of people who go through a divorce leave the church. And then the other estimate is that only about half of those actually ever come back. Very sad. Hold that thought, if you would. Forgive me, we've got to pull away a brief break. Alex McFarland here, along with Paul and Jeanette Savage, their website, blendedbook.org. Stay tuned, folks. We're going to come back with more tips about how to successfully grow, nurture, and preserve your family.

Don't go away. Fox News and CNN call Alex McFarland a religion and culture expert. Stay tuned for more of his teaching and commentary after this. Over the last several decades, it's been my joy to travel the world talking with children, teens, adults, people of all ages about the questions they have related to God, the Bible, Christianity and how to know Jesus personally.

Hi, Alex McFarland. I want to make you aware of my book, The 21 Toughest Questions Your Kids Will Ask About Christianity. You know, we interviewed hundreds of children and parents and families to find out the questions that children and people of all ages are longing to find answers for. In the book, we've got practical, biblical, real life answers that they have about how to be a Christian in this modern world.

My book, The 21 Toughest Questions Your Kids Will Ask, you can find it wherever you buy books or at resources.afa.net. He's been called trusted, truthful and timely. Welcome back to The Alex McFarland Show. Welcome back to the program.

We're going to resume our conversation with Paul and Jeanette Savage. I do want to say a big thank you to all of the partners who enable us seven days a week, 365 days a year to minister. As you know, we do events, publishing and broadcasting and the program you're hearing is on radio stations all over North America. And next year in 2025, we've already got seven youth camps planned, more than 1200 teenagers.

I'll be doing events all over the country. And so I would ask that you help us and we have a very special thank you for your gift in any amount. We will send you my book, 100 Bible Questions for Families. It came out just a few months ago and I give God the glory.

It's doing very well. But it's a book that much like the content we're doing today, it talks about family, maybe some things to help you. And so if you would please, you may give securely online at alexmcfarland.com. So we're asking the Lord to move on the hearts of people every day of the week. You're helping the gospel go forth, evangelizing souls, equipping people, helping strengthen families as this program is doing. So to all who pray for us and partner with us and more than 7500 people a year, accept Christ through this ministry. We give God the glory. But for all who support a sincere thank you, please let us hear from you today. Well, our conversation with Paul and Jeanette Savage, I want to say this really means a lot to me. I love the content and what God is doing in your ministries. Paul, before the break, you were talking about some statistics of people that leave the church during a divorce.

And something like 50% of those never find their way back to church. Would you reiterate that and let's talk about it? So people that go through a divorce, Jeanette and I and everyone that we know that has gone through divorce, they feel like, what do I do now? I'm not this family unit. And then now I'm sitting just with my kids.

My ex-husband is not here anymore. And so they feel disconnected. Is there shame?

Yeah, there really is. And I don't want to blame the church. I don't like that. I do sense, though, there's this times where I've had many pastors who say things like, well, our job is to prevent divorces. Well, I'm already here. I'm already in a divorce.

What am I supposed to do? And things like that. I think they mean well, but they're like, well, we want to keep families together. And well, yes, we do. But unfortunately, the reality is, is that 30% of divorce, 30% of those families within the church are probably going to go through a divorce. So our whole, what we want to do, what we want to do is we want to prevent the second divorce because the second marriage is a divorce rate 60%. And the number one reason people give is relationships with kids.

That's number one. So within a first, within first marriages, it's some sort of sexual infidelity, used to be money or communication. Now it's sexual infidelity of some sort. That's the reason why people get divorced in second marriages. It's not.

It's kids and relationships with kids. It's a difficult thing, Alex. It really is. It's the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life.

I mean, you have to have the patience of Job. It really is. But, but the cool thing is, here's the cool thing about it. I have now, instead of having two kids, I have five kids and we have five grandkids, two more on the way. We'll have seven grandkids. We have this massive family. All our kids are married.

You know, it's, it's pretty cool where it's come from, from, you know, especially, you know, our kids difficult blending. And two broken people who came together and I didn't know that marriage was, was this way. You know, Paul and I have a partnership and we're a team and our kids know that. And they knew that from early on that we were a team and that there wasn't any dividing us. That if we disagreed, you know, with each other, they never saw that.

That was, we, we presented a front together that we were strong and we were, you know, going to be a team. Jeanette, everyone says the heart of the home is the mother. Was it hard to mother, you know, five kids and not show favoritism? I mean, how did you treat all of the children, your biological kids and Paul's kids, you know, unconditionally and equally?

Well, from early on, I knew that I was coming into Paul's family just as he was coming into mine. And with his girls, I did not try to be their mother. I initially wanted to be their friend. I wanted to get to know them. I wanted to know their likes and their dislikes and, you know, took time to really get to know them as, as people and not trying to be their mom. I think they really respected that of me. And although they did not have a good relationship with their mom and they still don't. I did eventually take that role and where, you know, they looked at me as their mom and role model. And so I don't feel like I really struggled in loving them.

I, I'm pretty open. And our daughter, well, Danny, our youngest, she writes about this in, in her portion of our book. All of our kids, like we have five kids and they all have written what it was like to be a part of our blended family.

And Danny, she mentioned in there about how she appreciated that I, I loved everybody, but she never felt threatened by Paul's girls. And which I'm like, I don't know how, you know, I think it was just because I tried to equally, we always said what we did for one, we're going to do for all. So there wasn't any favoritism over who was going to get to do something or not do something that we really tried to be fair in everything that we did with our kids. You know, I mean, there's always challenges, but I, I feel like the girls really did respect me and, and it was mutual.

I mean, I respected them and they knew that and really took the time to get to know them. Let's talk about your book because I sense, you know, obviously, you know, Christian families, this will be a good resource, but I think your book would be applicable for a lot of non-Christians and I could see the Lord using it. And so give the website, tell people where they can find the book, then I've got a few follow-up questions. Yeah, so our website is blendedbook.org.

There's a link there to Amazon, but you can also direct on Amazon, you can search us on Amazon as blended and it'll come up. The one thing, Alex, I want to add in, you know, you made a comment there about, you know, our book is not overtly Christian. Yes, there's no question about it. We talk about our faith and we talk about our journey. We have a small portion where, where we share our faith in our book.

And so, so people that are not Christians won't be, I hate to use the word freaked out, but they won't be freaked out by our book. They'll read it and they'll go, oh, wow, this is practical. It's relatable to everybody. Yeah, it's relatable, practical knowledge. And as Jeanette said, you know, as Jeanette said, having our kids involved.

Our kids have 62 pages of the book. Wow. And we, and we did not know what they were going to say. So we, we got it. What they brought back to us, we were like, whoa, some of the things we didn't even know. We didn't know. But I would say the most part we did know. Yeah, we did. Like we had an idea. I want to commend you both because I can tell you in three decades of youth ministry and you know, we just, this past summer we had seven camps.

Plus I was a part of two others. I can tell you the single biggest issue that impacts the lives of young people. And they frankly, they long for it is a stable home life. And for you all building a wonderful family and a home and then empowering people across America to do the same. You're doing God's work and I commend you. Well, thank you. I want to read something.

Time fleets away. And by the way, folks, if you're just tuning in, this is Paul and Jeanette Savage with us today. Again, their website, blendedbook.org.

I want to read something, then get your comments. This is 1 Corinthians 13, four through seven. God's word says this. Love is patient.

Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonor others. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered.

It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. What would our home lives be like if we really took this to heart? If this was kind of our life motto?

Paul, how would it impact America's homes? Wow. So much of that. You know, it's interesting. I was sort of tearing up when hearing that because that's where we've come from.

You know, all of the attributes that Paul talks about there, that's love. And it's so cool how, you know, our brokenness of both going through divorces, getting remarried, blending together, how we can bless others. But it's exciting to sort of look back on it now being married 17 years and where we've come from. We do a lot of family gatherings, and it's pretty cool to see every month we have all our kids together.

It is loud, but it is so much fun. And we don't look at it as like two families together. We're one family. So I think the verse you read there, Alex, it's about just loving each other. And even through difficult times, through hard times, and we've had that in our family.

But the love has never gone away. Jeanette, regrettably, we're almost out of time. I want to give you the last word. There may be people listening, and they just kind of feel hopeless, and they're in a stormy household. Jeanette, for the people that just don't really see how they can make all this work, give us a word of encouragement and hope as we close. Well, it's difficult. I know it's difficult. But when you put your sight on doing what God wants you to do, and you listed all those things of being kind and patient.

And when you choose to do that, your family can have peace and harmony. And yeah, not to say that there aren't going to be problems, because we certainly had our fair share of issues and still do. But at the end of the day, you have to love one another, you have to be patient, and you have to be kind. And here we are 17 years later. And during those first years, I mean, it was rough. It was hard. And it's not easy. But God refines us. God, when we are in the fire, when God does His work on us, we come out in the end much better. And so I just would encourage you to keep up the fight, to be a team, to stay connected with one another, especially husband and wife and allowing your kids to really see that you are a team and you're a partnership. And there is hope at the end of the day.

God is there, God's with you, and you just have to turn situations and go to Him and seek counsel for different things that arise. We're almost out of time. Alex McFarland here. The voices you've been hearing are Paul and Jeanette Savage.

I highly recommend their book, Blended the Challenges and Joys of a Step-Family. And I'll close. We're almost out of time. But we always say this, lose at anything else, but win with your family. I say to the youth that we're in front of thousands of youth every year, and I tell them, I'll say, Look, next to your relationship with Jesus Christ, the single most meaningful thing that will bring you the most joy, will bring you the most success in life, the most fulfillment, is marriage and family. And I want to say that to everybody listening.

As a pastor, as an evangelist, I've been in a lot of hospitals, I've been at the bedside of a lot of dying people, and I can tell you, not to be morbid or anything, but when you are about to leave this world, all that is going to matter to you is God and family. Seriously. And so make a commitment now, maybe even right now, maybe somebody listening to this program, you've been thinking about your exit strategy. Don't do that. Do not give up. Do not throw in the towel. Pray.

Seek God's help. And with everything you've got, commit yourself to your marriage, to your children, to your family. And I believe the church, if we become champions for family, God will bless that. God will use that greatly in our walk and our witness. We're out of time. Thanks for listening.

Again, thanks to our special guests, the savages. And folks, in the meantime, stay strong, stay bold. Stand up for Jesus. Alex McFarland Ministries are made possible through the prayers and financial support of partners like you. For over 20 years, this ministry has been bringing individuals into a personal relationship with Christ, and has been equipping people to stand strong for truth. Learn more and donate securely online at alexmcfarland.com. You may also reach us by calling 1-877-YES-GOD1. Thanks for joining us. We'll see you again on the next edition of the Alex McFarland Show.
Whisper: medium.en / 2024-12-31 02:53:03 / 2024-12-31 03:06:22 / 13

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