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April 6, 2022 6:00 am
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That's true, and if you missed it, get the download go to the website whenever you need to do. I thought it was really informative. I think this is one of those areas that we talk a lot about but we struggle to do it well because it's hard to do and what's easier to do is just no keep that bitterness keep that resentment don't get that reconciliation is not a good place to live and especially if you're living in that place. You need to lean in today and I so appreciate the wisdom and practical advice of Brian shared with us last time he acknowledge that reconciliation is hard appreciate that, Brian, and it's easy for us to lose control of our emotions and rational thoughts in the middle of an argument. Obviously, Brian is married. Brian also reminded us that people are not our enemy. That's a deep breath moment. Think about that. No one is our enemy in the Scripture there and he quoted that yesterday there was so much rich content again. I just want to encourage you to get a copy. If you missed it, and that the two parts are, how you need to listen to this 1 PM really glad were continuing.
Brian is the chief executive of peacemaker ministries and has more than thousand hours of experience in conflict coaching and mediation.
He's written a book that were in here more about today. The concepts that we covered last time and today are in the book living reconciled seven ways to bring peace to your most difficult relationships and will recommend you check that out when you call us or you'll find a link in the episode notes right welcome back focus. Thanks Jim all right, let's let's continue the discussion. What matters to God is a great place to start where we should started last time, but we don't like to think about this, but God cares about our conflicts. He's involved. He wants us to grow.
He wants us to be more like him. I think that's the reason he created marriage so we could have have that conflict. Learn from it, learn our selfishness become more like him, which is selfless. So with all of that. The point being, the Bible has a lot to say about how we manage conflict and reconciliations part of the spiritual journey for us as humans. When you think about this topic. What are some key verses that come to mind for you to reinforce what I've just said what I think James is a great one. Consider it all joy when you encounter various trials, you know you the idea of joy and peace amidst our trials is just a powerful truth, and the end result of that is so that you be perfect, complete, lacking in nothing. The difficulties when you're married July thinking while I'm nothing. We have been result. I think about the here and now I want you know I will be right I want to be. Whatever. In that moment, but to really go through that joy of just knowing that God is refining this change is transforming us through our trials.
I ask you this question. And when you look at the disciples like the Gospels and like Peter and James and where were they use declarative language like all and never is always so tough I like you know love everyone, but Lord you know this person right you really tell me the love everyone that positional view right where we are looking upwards of who we are in Christ. That's only way I can figure out because this way is not as easy but we go positionally in Christ I can love that person and that becomes our loudest proclamation when I think in that regard. They didn't leave you and out because they knew the Lord they walk with the Lord.
They knew there was no out that the Lord love everyone and wants you to do the same. I mean it's that kind of construct right that I just find it interesting that in this culture today.
We try we tend to not use that declarative language and their right in Scripture it's so declarative, so absolute, it's everyone.
It's never it's always that there is no shadowing out is so II just find it interesting generally.
In Scripture, when Christians are fighting over an issue. Some of the right side. Christian should never fight. I get that.
But when Christians are fighting as you like to ask a question that is personally convicting for me and the question is do you want to be right or reconciled wow that one hits us right between the eyes and the culture conflict you want to be right or do we want to be reconciled. Can we be both.
I haven't found in my marriage like I always say don't teach your kids these principles because they'll remind you when you want you know you're an argument with your spouse in the remind you of your biblical principles effective written books and stuff. And so, like I Gideon will often times the hate that is in the cross big enough and I'm like if you say that again. I went and got some advice with you exactly know that my marriage, I want to be right to be vindicated on the respect at all those kind of things and I find at the end of the day when I have that attitude. I oftentimes don't end up in reconciliation with my spouse or with those around me.
And so to really step back and say what's my endgame here went out when I wanted to achieve our get to and tell how Christ to be the center and I was obviously we only got listeners think don't teach your kids know you should teach her Tongue-In-Cheek Tongue and She Is in the Book You You Refer to Different Courageous Attitudes Which I Love. I Can't Wait to Talk to My Boys about This and That You Say We Need These Courageous Attitudes for Reconciliation.
One of These Is Seeing Others As Brand-New. What Are You Driving out There Is Brand-New Never One Thing When I'm When People Call and They Will Question Someone Else's Salvation That They're in Conflict with the Say Something like I'm Not Even Sure If There Christian and It Breaks My Heart Because This Person Is a Child of God. But We We Demonize or We Pull down so Much That We Lose Sight of the Big Picture Right Where We Go You Not, That Is My Brother or Sister in Christ, They Are Brand-New Even Though Were Having This Tension. It Doesn't Change. It Will What's Interesting about That That's Convicting Because I Think I Probably Have Done That in My Life Where I Wonder That Person Is Really Efficient Because You Don't See the Behavior the Fruit There, and yet What It Turned to Not Go There. But to Say Okay Lord Here. She Belongs to You. Help Me Better Understand What They're Going through, or However You Can Manage That Is You've Got to Manage Emotional Yourself.
You Know What the Person That's Acting on Christianly.
How Do We Engage That.
I Mean If If You Got a Lesson. I Think That First Things That near Right Because Ava Really Honest, I Reflect Back on Mike and I Have Not Been Acting Christlike in the Situation Either.
And so We Looking at Me Another Are Times and I Always Want to Bring This out. There Are Times of Domestic Violence or Abuse or Hardhearted Situations like That and This Is Not to Blame the Victim.
That's Not What I'm Saying There Was More General in Everyday Life As a Jailer Life Situations to Back up and Say What Is My Contribution to This Conflict.
How My Reflecting Christ to the Other Person Because They May Have the Same Statement Aimed My in My Direction, and How I'm Responding Know That's Good and That That's Convicting to Always Act Christlike so That Somebody Can See Christ in Your Actions, That's Exactly Right Anything about It or to Be Christlike. We like to Be like Christ in the Miracles of Feeding the 5000 of Healing but Are We Christlike and Going to the Cross You Urge Christians to Maintain Hope in the Midst of Their Conflict and I Love That Application of Marriage Because That's Were so Many Couples They Lose Hope. And When You've Lost Hope. It's Quite Possible That You Will Lose That Relationship. Unfortunately We in the Christian Community Need to Be People of Hope, Maybe Especially in Our Marriages.
Hope Can Be Powerful and It Can Motivate Us to Keep Us Going When We Really Don't Have Anything in the Tank Right You Point to the Story of Your Own Daughter, Isabel, and You Mentioned Her Earlier Is an Example of That Kind Hope to Give Us More Information about Her and How She's Become a Beacon of Hope so.
Isabella Is Wheelchair-Bound. She Has Been for about 20 Years with a Trach G-Tube Never Walked Ever Talked and Often Times When I Look at Her Disability.
I Can See One of Two Things I Can See That Disability Are Her Inabilities or I Can Play an Eternal Perspective Where I Go. Heavens Going to Be an Awesome Place Because All Those Inabilities Are Going to Become Possible.
Her Handicap Will Be Gone. She Will Be Able to Walk in the Newness of Christ As I like That to Relationships. Some Things Are Personalities That Are Hard to Change or or Are Things That Just You Know We We Developed This Is about Making Excuses for Those Are Say That We Should Challenge Those at Times, but I'm Saying Overall. If We Point Ourselves to a New Creation and Eternity.
We Begin to Have a Different Perspective on the Other Person Because It Brings Hope like I Will Have More Days: Complete with My Spouse Than I Will Ever in This Fallen World That Brings Hope Noticed Your and Your Daughter AE Let Me Apply That.
Hope in Difficult Relationships and You Mentioned This in the Book about Your Dad in the Difficult Relationship You Had.
And I'm Not Sure Where He's at Today but Describe I Think Your Parents Divorced in Mind, It Is Well and You Know You Carry Bitter Guilt with That Experience of It. You Had to Really Work through Debt Issues and Use That Blanket Term. What Happened so My Dad Growing up, I Would Say He Probably over Explained the Divorce and I Didn't Understand A Lot Of His Parenting Techniques and so When You Look at How He Explain What Happened in the Divorce. It Was A Lot Of Information for a Young Boy and a Young Man Right over You at the Time I Six Spoke at While Yeah so It Was A Lot Of Information and Probably Some Information I Probably Should Have Had at That Point and I like to Say That the Last 2030 Years.
My Dionysus Is 18. We've Had a Great Relationships. I Want to Make Sure That's on the Table. I Love My Dad. We Have a Great Relationship, but Growing up. It Was Very Difficult on My Dad Wanted to Be Right with the Divorce and with What Happened, so He Is at Times the over Explained. And so It Made It so I Had Resentment Towards Him and the Love for My Mom. It Kinda Backfired on Them and Try to Get the Other Exactly Exactly and That My Mom Would Always Just Say One Thing Should Say I Love You and I Love Your Dad and She Would Explain Very Much so. I Just Know That My Mom Became a Very Safe Person for Me to Interact with and and First Season When Say That My Daddy Wasn't, You Know, and A Lot Of Explaining That Probably Should Become My Way I That Division Was so Big That You Actually Are Named after Your Father, Paul, and You Actually Jettison the Use of Polar P but Now There's Been That Evidence of Reconciliation. Yes, so at Some Point When I Was We Are Going through That Divorce and Three Things I Start over My Middle Name Brian Dance Paul Wallace Noble.
I Was Paul Brian Noble Whenever My Parents Upset. It's a Paul Brian, You Know, Kind of a Southern Kind of Thing Night and Excited to Start Going by Brian and When I Was 18 or 19, and in the Forgiveness and Reconciliation Came in with My Dad.
The Lord Challenge Me to Put the Initial P Back onto My Name As a Symbol and a Constant Reminder of Reconciliation That I Would Never Forget That the Blood of Christ Paid for the Broken Relationship between My Dad and Myself As I Start Adding It on by That Point You Try to Get a Habit of Being Called Something Right Side and Go Back to Paul but I Write It on Everything to As a Reminder of Reconciliation. Brian and Want to Pick up on Something You Referred to a Moment Ago, but I Don't Want the Listeners and the Viewers to Miss This.
You Mentioned That It's Only Possible for Us to Reconcile Because of the Work of Jesus on the Cross so Explain That and How We Can Be Free in That Destructive Relationship As Long As We Can Forgive and Do the Right Thing. So Talk about That Reconciliation Is a Is a Spiritual Journey. It Is This All Began Because I Had I Don't Know How Many People Say You Know I Just Can't Be Reconciled with Someone and It Was like This Almost a Victim Mentality of Forgive Can't Reconcile What They Really Meant Was a Reinstated Relationship and I Start Thinking through the Scriptures of How How Does Reconciliation Take Place and We Just Talked about It Not Being Based upon Works and so If It's Based upon the Work of the Cross, Not My Works, Then It Becomes a Faith Journey of Embracing the Gospel Message at the Core of My Relationships. The Say Jesus Paid for That Break. Hopefully Someday I'll Have a Reinstated Relationship with Them a Bill. The Walk in That Newness of Life May Be on the Side of Heaven. For A Lot Of Us Is Going on Other Side of Heaven. You Know, and I like to Say for All the Perfect People out There Heavens Can Be Boring but for the Rest of Us. It's Going to Be an Exciting Place to Having You Know Some People Are Listening on Not Quite Sure What's a Practical Application That Averages to Break That's Never You Never to Build a Reconcile It, Seemingly You Not to Reconcile the Practical Part Is How We View the Person Our Self Talk Is a Big Part of Our Lives, and in Many People Don't like to Admit They Have Self Talk That Constant Conversation Going on There Had and I Always Challenge People. You Could Tell Yourself Any Story That You Want You Can Tell Yourself a Fallen Story or a God Story and I Would Challenge You to Tell God Story. Think about Sarah and Abraham and in Galatians Chapter 5 It Talks about Sarah Was Supposed to Rejoice, O Barren Woman Rejoice.
She Started Telling Us of a God Story about the Promise of God Prior to Ever Being Pregnant and Sets Went on People before the Reinstated Relationship Prior to That You Want about How Potluck with People.
Again, You May Have To Tell Yourself a God Story.
Like Jesus Paid for This. It Doesn't Deny the Injustice That You Experience It Doesn't Pretend like It Wasn't There, and Actually Acknowledges That Labels As Injustice and Says Yes, and Jesus Paid for That. That's a Good You Have a Metaphor in the Book about the Wide and Narrow Gates Related to Heaven and Hell Explain Your Application the Gates in the Area of Reconciliation.
Why Think in the White Gates We Begin to Think about Those Relationships That Are Easy and That You Can Distantly Have at You Not Only Cheap Relationships. We Me.
They Just like a Howdy How You Doing Kind of Thing News, Weather and Sporty Newsletter and Sport Kind of Relationships and the Narrow Gate Is Really the Idea of Coming through the Lens of Christ. It's for This Ministry of Reconciliation and Let Me Give Example Nurses Grandma Who Has Grown Kids and the Grandpa Has A Lot Of Personality Things That He He Rubs His Grown Kids the Wrong Way Right.
He's Constantly Doing Things That If We Were to Write Them down to Look at Him with a Gladstone Scene Right but We've Talked about and We Work through Them. We've Gotten Good Traction, but the Mop the Grandma's Kinda Stuck in This Position. Like How I Love My Husband and How I Love My Grown Kids.
I Want Relationships with Both, Even Though They're Not Reconcile with the Grandpa and See. Start Thinking about How Hard Would It Take the Wide Road That Just Kind of Surface Level or Do I Take That Narrow Road Which Is Authentic with My Husband and Transparent and Calling Him out on His Stuff. You Might Say in the Compassionate Way and Also Take the Narrow Road with My with My Kids, My Grown Kids and Doing the Same. And That's Where It Becomes Hard.
I Think Where We Tolerate Spiritual Immaturity Way Too Much Instead of Really Challenging Each Other to Forgive and to Release All Bitterness and Anger That Brian It Seems like Risk Is a Factor Here. We Haven't Talked about It. I Don't Know If You Dress It. I Didn't See It but I Think Part of the Problem We Have Is Just Working and Risk Something, Whatever That Might Be Risk of Relationship, Especially in the Family Breaks That We May Have with Our Dural Adult Children Etc. so We Take the Narrow Gate. There Is a Risk to That Series but I Would Assume You Would Say Oftentimes Jesus Is Going to Want You to Take That Risk Because Were Risk-Averse. We Don't Want to Do That, and the Lords You Know We Don't Want to Confess Our Sin. There Is a Risk and That and It's That Kind of Category Were He's Pushing Us to Risk Because There's Something That Will Blossom That Is Good. We Just Can't See It Is Exactly Right When You Think about Those Risks of Forgiveness. It's a Risk Because It Takes Faith Right.
Sometimes We Forgive Prior to Any Behavior Being Changed and so That's a Rest Because When They Do It Again and I Look at Myself and Say You Know How Many Things I've Done over and over and over Again and yet Christ Took the Risk and Died for Me. You Know, and so Will We Begin to Embrace That with Others.
It Really Helps Us to Have a Gospel Centered Viewpoint of Relationships Jim Earlier in the Program.
We Talked a Little Bit Laughingly about Conviction Here on This Stuff and and I Appreciate so Much Bran You Talking about Hoping This Last Point, You Managers Thinking about a Relationship That Was Pretty Estranged in Our Family and to the Point That My Kids Were Observing in This Family Member Some Tendencies to Get Really Out Of Control and I Just Thought I Got Protect Them and It Would've Been Very Very Difficult to Step Back and Just Let Things Be Where They Were.
I Didn't Exactly Have Proclaimed Hope You Talked about, but I Did Work on the Relationship and Tried to Be Softer, If You Will, and a Little Less Combative to Try to Prove I Was Right, and I'm Glad to Say That At Least in This Case It Worked out Pretty Okay Were Still Coming News, Weather, Sports with This Individual, but We Can At Least Be around Each Other or Not Have a Ructions Which Progress Is Progress, so to Speak to That Journey, Especially for the Person That Thinks I Can Never Get There yet and I Think We Might Talk about the Situations People Apply Them into Different Contexts and It's Really Kind a Little Bit Careful Because It's Easy to Say Well It's All It's All One Thing and That's Why This Is an a Book on Our Internal Work Because like I've Counseled a Woman Whose Husband Robert on the Stairs with a Gun to Her Head While She's Probably Not Can Go Back to That Relationship or Put Herself Back into That Unsafe Environment. However, Her Husband Can't Steal the Joy That Christ Place in Her Heart As We Can't Steal the Reconciliation That Christ Paid for, so She Can Begin to Do Work Internally. Even Though Someone Else Is Going to Play by the Rules. You Might Say, or a God Glorifying Lifestyle and so to Take Those Extreme Cases, or Even the Minor Cases and Situations and Begin to Say You Know I Can't Have Control over Them, but I Can Control and for Myself and I Love How You Just Said That with Your Family. We Had to Figure out a Way to Keep the Kids Safe. That's Important As Well As Build Little Steps of Trust. It Sounded like What You're Saying. That's Good Would Put an End Give a Person the Opportunity to Fill the Gospel and Receive Hope That There Could Be a Reinstated Relationship. Sometimes This Is Not Possible on the Side of Heaven. I Will Say That I've Been Cases of Right Again. The Practical Nature of This Thing in Marriage, Because so Much Conflict Can Exist There Doesn't Have To. And If You're Not Experiencing Conflict That's Great. Oftentimes in Marriage We Keep Score Is One of the One of Things That Will Destroy You If You Know Will You Know I Made the Coffee 15 Times in a Row.
I Made the Bed, You Didn't.
You Know Whatever Your Scorekeeping on How Do We Get Away from That Kind of Tally When You Look at That Versus Is, Namely, That God Was in Christ Reconciling the World to Himself, Not Counting Their Trespasses There so I Think That Laundry List We Have To. It's Hard Because It We Can Have a Natural Tendency to Do Are Also I Have a Natural Tendency to Do That Is Why Did This and I Did That and I Did This and How Many of Our Debates in Our Spicy Conversations Are like That Right and to Back up and Say I Know That's True. I Understand That That's What Took Place. But I Need to Start Tearing down That Scoreboard and Looking through the Lens of What Is God Doing in Their Heart and the Light and Again This Is All about Attitude. I'm Talking about This Book Coming Back to a Christ Centered Attitude Instead of in NICs with Adults in Their Teenage Kids Where a Teenager Is Constantly Defined by One Mistake They Made More Maybe Maybe Was Repeated Mistake.
While We Don't Really Share the Gospel with Them.
Will We Constantly Bring That up and Sometimes We Do in a Teasing Form.
Try and the Kid Thinks They Told Me They Forgave Me. But Man Something I'm Not Really Forgiving If Were Still Teasing about It and You Tonya Had That Score Counting Right to Make a Personal Gene.
I've Done All I Absolutely Think Were Moving Away from That. Finally, but Just Emmy to Certain Degree That We It's Always There. But Having It Used To Be Early on Marriage. I'd Say the First Four Years of Marriage Were Hell on Earth for Me Because We Have This Constant Pressure and Tension and We Just Came from Two Different Worlds. And It Was Scorekeeping and It Was Really I Did This You Did That and We Were in Ministry and so Is Difficult Yeah Infect Rip Tonya on the Line Right Now You Let Me Speak to Tolerance Because That's Become Kind of Bad Word in Christian Circles, but It Seems to Be the Religion of the Day for the World.
This Idea of Tolerance. You Believe Tolerance Is a Necessity for Reconciliation, but It's the Healthy Tolerance It Is. It's Really Looking at Each Other with the Idea That None of Us Are Perfect You yet and Were All in Process of Being Sanctified and so Looking through That Lens of Same Were on a Journey Were Moving That Way and Were Not Tolerating Sin As If like Were Endorsing It and Embracing It, but Recognizing Were All on a Journey Walking That That Road of the Gospel Message. Brian Last Time.
This Time We Talked A Lot about It, but for the Person That's Listening Going While Okay the Kind of Put Their Finger Right on My Area and My Heart Were I'm Lacking. What Is This Person What Can They Do. What Are Some Things That They Could Begin to Change in Their Marriage and Their Relationship with Their Teens with Their Adult Children with Their Extended Families. John's Example Alluded to, You Know, Again. Sometimes It's Very Hard to Walk This out Because Would Rather Go Cocoon. I Just Want to Deal with It. I'm Fine. I'm Assuming That Person. That's Not Reconciled to Me Will Be Fine Some Day in and I'll Pray for Them We Get the Attitude and Trying to Gin up.
Went to so What You Know. What Are Some Practical Biblical Things That Need to Happen Right Away in Our Heart and Interactions.
I Think It's Important That We Begin to Not Just Look at the Problem, but to Really Begin to Look at Christ As a Solution. So for Instance like over My Teenage Kids You Know Insisting What They Did This This and This. I Begin to Change My Attitude by Saying, and God Did That That Mat for Them and so It's Not That Newness of Life That We Begin to Look at and Begin to Proclaim in Their Hearts and Their Minds. I Said I Was a Lady Just Last Week and She's like I Just Don't Get It and I Said Okay Will Us Go through This Together. So She'd Been Married 42 Years. She Says I Don't Know How This Is Going to Change Anything at the Time of the Story That's Been Going on in Your Head and so She Told Mr. Her Husband Is a Complete Tasks and How Your She Went to the Whole Laundry List of Story 42 Years, and I Listened Patiently and I Said What If You Began to Tell Yourself a Different Story If You Are a Victim to That Story but You Begin to Look at It in a Practical Sense, Where You Woke up in the Morning and Said, Lord, I'm Here to Serve. I'm Here to Be Humble. I'm Here to Challenge My Husband to Put on His Procrastination.
How Can I Do That Best Today As We Start Working with Christ and Start Working with the Holy Spirit to to Come in and Allow Him to Challenge and Change Us and She's like I Get It.
You're Simply Talking about My Attitude.
That's Right, a Courageous Attitude That's Really Good.
I Think James Done That Very Well in My Life. I She Probably Has Done a Better Job at That Than I've Done for Her in That Way. So This Is a Good Reminder for Me to Look into Ways. You Know I Can Do That Better and I Hope That's the Same for Everyone.
That's Why This Topic Is so so Good Living Reconciled and Brian. This Is Been Wonderful to Have You Back. These Last Couple Days. Thank You for Being with Us.
Thank You and I Hope You'll Get a Copy of This Resource. I Joke + John the Should Be Flying Out Of Focus On The Family Because I Can't Think of an Area in Our Life and Our Discipline in Christ That We Probably Need the Most Work in and That Is How to Be Reconciled to the People in Our Lives Right and That May Just Be That One Person Who Knows but Didn't Touch with Us If You Can Give a Gift of Any Amount May Be a Monthly Gift or One-Time Gift. I Will Send You a Copy of the Book As Our Way of Saying Thank You for Being Part of the Ministry Joined the Support Team Here at Focus On The Family and Donate As You Can and You Can Do That When You Stop by Focusonthefamily.Com/Broadcast or Call One 800 K in the Word Family 800-232-6459 and When You Get in Touch If You Need Any Sort of Spiritual Help. We Have Our Caring Christian Counselors Here and We Can Set up a Free Consultation for You over the Phone and They'll Pray with You One Unpacked Different Struggles You Might Be Experiencing and Direct You to Further Resources If Needed. Just Give Us a Call and Request to Have a Time to Talk with One of the Counselors Coming up Tomorrow You'll Hear from Ryan and Selena Frederick Bill Describe How Prayer Is Crucial for Your Marriage, It's Impossible to Have a Healthy Prayer Life and Also Have a Prideful Orientation toward God in the Frontal Orientation toward One Another. Prayer Is Very Very Humbling and Honest On Behalf Of Jim Daly and the Entire Team. Thanks for Joining Us Today for Focus On The Family I'm John Fuller Inviting You Back. As We Once Again Help You and Your Family Thrive in Christ. Okay Mike Got Here Soon As I Could. Was Going on. Hey, I Just Want to Give You an Update on My Marriage Is a Good News. Yeah Our Marriage Is Going Great Right Now. I Can Be Happier. That's Awesome You. It's like a Solid Five at Attend. Having a Marriage That's Just Okay Is What Couples Really Want to Live. Give Yourself and Your Spouse an All-Inclusive Weekend You'll Slow Your Pace. Focus on Each Other Get More firstname.lastname@example.org/getaway that's focusonthefamily.com/getaway