Fighting for Your Marriage No Matter What (Part 1 of 2)

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I looked it, I'd see my wife in tears and we've all seen our spouse is missing from our lives through tears just when their emotions are broken and I saw her count that day and I turned and I looked at the wedding picture sitting on a table right next to me in that wedding picture and she quite literally, not just because she was looking for but her countenance was glowing with some of and I could see such a stark contrast of the woman was sitting in front of seven years later and just broke my heart will it's Christian recording artist Matt Hammett and he joins us today on Focus on the Family along with his wife Sarah and they have an incredible story, I'm John Fuller with your host focus president and author Jim Daly if you've heard Matt's song lead me then you know his lyrics are honest.

They are the cry of every spouses heart that feel separated from their husband nor from their wife. We all long for someone who will stay with us who will stand with us and most of all fight for our marriage and so often it's not the case. Our counseling team on staff your Focus on the Family they receive so many calls related to this area, especially from wives who would love for their husbands to step up and lead their family spiritually. I think it's probably the number one thing that we hear about from wives so often it's easy for us as husbands to focus on our role as providers, not realizing that our families really need us at home emotionally with them and many wives get so discouraged that they start to give up any hope that their marriage will ever be fulfilled in that way. I know Jean is felt that way with me at times emotionally distant, I get captivated with work and travel and everything I'm doing. It's easy for me to get consumed with other stuff and worry about those other things and she feels like I'm not connecting with her.

I think those feelings are in just about every relationship. At one point or another. So today we want to share a story of a couple who illustrates this point so beautifully. They stayed together, fought through and fought for the relationship even through personality clashes that work issues a child with critical illness and a close call with an affair that they've experienced a lot.

So stay with us because there's many good things that you're going to learn today that there is a great God story here, and as I said earlier Matt and Sarah Hammett are with us. Matt is a singer-songwriter and was the lead singer of the band, Sanctus real for 20 years and he and Sarah have four children ages 8 to 14 met Sarah welcome to Focus on the Family thinking it to be a man. I want to start with young pick on you all day. Sure, radon muzzle started hearing about the first time you saw Sarah I thought was an interesting way that you describe in the book lead me how you guys got together.

It's it's full of passion. So yeah, well, you know, I'd seen her at a festival where St. Israel is planning is independent band. We are excited that Dexter open up for the time the third day in audio adrenaline and we looked up to and really was a Eaton evening and I was still hanging out around there and look out into the field during one of the performances that night and on the fringes of the crowd the light was shining on is one area where this girl was just dancing around and laugh and she was in overalls like the most laid-back, carefree person you know that it that I could see that crowd and I thought men I'm kind uptight guy loves the tractor. I have anxiety. I think I need more of that and so I you know that that not it is rethinking like to talk to her and I didn't and this festival was about three hours from her hometown so he drove that night back because the next morning we had to actually worship at a communitywide church service and little did I know is that I was that girl was Sarah and that her family, her mother's church and her grandmother's church are both part of this event associate did at her to drive up as well from the Columbus area to be there that mornings I was up on stage singing in worship. I looked out and there she was the, the carefree girl from the festival just following you time when I appreciated about you also you were really dating yeah part similar to my story about that age, but yet so how do you mean when you're not really concentrating on it. When you think about it than the Lord plants in your vision. Totally yeah I got up around like you not to be looking at the time. At this time with focus on the path that is before us with the band and ministry and see there she was Lord, dropped her at that time so is really beautiful thing you now. So the second time I saw that I was in the leaves leave the chance again. You know he's the moment is Sarah's side of the story. Sarah, you did shake your head a little know in the beginning but will sell my start story starts County nine months before that I saw him performing on a stage at Christmas time and I thought Lord, you know, if you give me that man. I think we could do great things. As I prayed about them for two weeks and I forgot about him away to like again so is longer than day relates to a summer projects through the summer and came back in that time I was seen. Obviously, you approached her second gig. Yeah using the link yeah and so how did you protrude the points I had.

By the way I saw you the other night yet. I just wanted to write it. I like this thing and end just wanted to introduce myself and sell the family briefly and were taken down her number on this little yellow sticky note which I still have.

Yeah, probably from mom's prayers and will. And then I think that we could set up a time for us to just go hang out. I brought chocolate cherry Brownies and it may myself be impressive.

My set pants and walking into her house that week. The first time in her day.

I was like in the dishwasher fixing something and just was like their families are different from my heart.

You know, our family was quiet but little more reserved and families just made my mom down the back porch is back at Pam for you now and she's just as vital yeah yeah and I was like man how this is a mandate. They just look in their element man is welcome me right into life is normally not a need to impress me with Jack satellite is that the greatness I'm getting is the real deal.

They are like that.

So you get through the dating. And I'm sure there's lots of funny stories are, but you get to your wedding do what's done. You say I do jump in the car at the reception and then what happens to write you were talking about the nose is good grade in the book is only one yeah yeah first married RG railroad on Windows and scream as you should do right now he's in daydreams about just making some ruckus acting in the horn. He did not want to make a spectacle enough difference is there be like the smell. I'm trying to denote like it was so awkward in that moment does that perfectly embodied passionate love for each other but perfectly embodied like those differences between the forecast I say carefree right there so you your first year marriage. You're on the road this as a whole mother complication to Jean and I did that we will doing not singing heavens know we are doing drug and alcohol abuse shows that high schools was only pre-produce were like the technician setting up, but we are nine months on the road together and right after we got married true you set this thing up at the button it would roll. It was a great way to get to know each other but I can relate to you guys on the road together because it's 24 seven. It's it's national lot of you together in a short period of time.

Right, yeah, it's interesting. It was so fine. I knew moment. It didn't feel crazy doesn't make sense and just felt young and binding free and it was a great time.

Looking back, I really think how in the world that we survived that. I'm no time alone.

It was sleeping in the van most nights, or sometimes I would even have just been the floor of the hotel room like because it would take turns in the beds because there is just not exact your first or five guys in the van with her having to share hotel rooms and there was literally no private template to be Internet, no place to argue. I mean it really yeah, that had to be hard as a pressure cooker and a lot of wet hazing of a motion for us early motion try to figure out these things is to spin the family was hard one. I think my dream was to meet a man that love Jesus, and left me wanting family in such a wonderful man and I like to hear my dream, his dream wise music so it just I was supporting him because that's what that's really interesting had a mistress and it was the music.

Yeah I guess so while I think maybe I would've thought I was portraying that she was my dream and that way but certainly that's not always being betrayed. Yeah, I know that sets up the conflict so understandably that you must've felt like now I'm competing for him. That kind of thing so you're in this situation again for five years.

You get some news makes you worry, what's the shock I literally thought no one ever tells how happens you know well what happened and what was your initial thought to until I was about 76 or seven right when you moment where she literally screamed like prime and would you say you say that I have to push you thought was, can we even do this like like he's never really went on to her bias at this time. You know, it sounds like what happened is you know these inflection points in our life where we get married we are pregnant with her first trial. Kinda makes you less carefree describe and be responsible geographically now. We aren't so how was the big thing I think was just now. Okay, it's already hard enough to figure how to do this life together.

How do we do it apart. Okay so you have your first baby on the way touring. It's crazy you know thinking man, can we bring a child into this environment, etc. with all the pressure and met you start to get worried is the big thing and I think a lot of guys can relate to that. Now this changes the dynamic. Yes sir and I had pretty.

You know, kind of easy-going she could go with the flow if she needed to does change, yeah, I love to have her on the road with me became her lifestyle and is challenging as it was, at times, we become comfortable enough with that make it work and so adding a whole night dynamic. Now like acacias to go home. She can't get there anymore with a newborn.

So I deftly was worried about about some those dynamics and how to navigate all that husband was anybody giving you advice any mentor male mentors in your life. I'm sure there were some people probably who were given some advice along the way of our lifestyles, so is another issue for me along the way that I always struggled with was that our lifestyle was so disconnected from the local church and community. Because of the way that we traveled and got a level which we were at kind of grinding at the start out in the van as a group of guys city city with hardly any breaks so we didn't have grounding with our local pastors on a regular basis.

That was another thing I think that we discussed the Ceradyne. I had this discussion with other bands know that something that really do wish you would prioritize more when I put you at risk as Sarah is so many women are resonating with your concern for mapping the leader the spiritual leader and you were having these concerns now that you have your first child on the way there arrived. How did that manifest itself.

Whether those concerns.

Like for you and how did you express in chance wanting to feel like we were a team.

It's really hard to explain but I wanted to gather we have a family to gather we are. We have goals and were on the same page and we discuss and a lot of times for me. It felt like it was the bands and I sense that there is separation and I didn't feel like he was part of us. A lot of times as time went on with family and staff did that ever feel like she was nagging yeah I deftly think that as we were learning to communicate not just other words but also can work through tone you know in our communication especially when you got heightened. I deftly thought times like it was more of her being against me, rather than for me and the struggle you know another thing to still work out even as an this marriage. You know that that the stone that approach and response in the tone of that can really change things Sara Lee you described in the book having a come to Jesus meeting. I can see with the Lord and then with Matt. I was what was that like one will say it was probably that thousands time I've set it to end by. Maybe he just heard it different that time. Maybe I said it differently.

I don't know but it was just like any kind you like. I like you. I'm just wanting to be present here and engaged and not so grumpy and tests need you to be focused on where are this family's ship was going around like he was always focused on with the band ship was going where our ship is headed and I want to see intentional steps to see that your you're trying you note to steer in a certain direction and it felt like after thought a lot felt like I just didn't feel the priority that I do feel now and I knew we were missing something right in that is a recurring theme, but again, you're missing the signs.

Why did that's the guy think ahead internal dialogue and imagination radically all do this imaginary life where our intentions of who we want to be or who we wish to be kind define who we think we are. I think that my desire to be good husband and my desire to be a good father. My thoughts that I had internally towards her were in a way enough not realizing how blind I was. The fact those intentions were being expressed in ways that made her feel loved and so maybe another part of its use as I didn't know yet how to take those steps practically in some way. So I think I heard her voice that day very clear that she was not feeling what I wanted her to be feeling for me and that there deftly was an issue with my life and my action as a husband, and I think that day. I really realize like my good intentions, and this is a huge theme in the book I good intentions were absolutely worthless until they became action that made her feel loved and that's what led to your writing the song which is touched so many of us guess that day looked at I'd see my wife in tears and we've all seen our spouse from our wives through tears just when their emotions are broken and I saw her countenance that day and I turned and I looked at the wedding picture sitting on the table right next to me in that wedding picture she, quite literally, not just because she looked beautiful, but her countenance was glowing with so much hope and I could see such a stark contrast of the woman that was sitting in front of me. Seven years later and it just broke my heart. And so I picked up my guitar and that was the day that I wrote the first draft of the song lead me to connect with user yeah I love to the song that you know people would say that was in your initial action. A lot of people would say like it's so wonderful and I'm like ants comes the lot for me hurts, you know this is a painful painful day and kind of existence in where we disconnected when I first played the song shoes, dislike, like I don't want to song you want action you got me wise want to feel it, not just here, as they could write a song or do something nice and I'll be over right click risk on a hot let's keep moving through the store because we you know were to come back next time. If you're willing right toward the end, I will come back for second and more of the story, but you had your second child and then pretty quickly had her third child, right everybody's two years apart.

So on that third child. Your having an ultrasound and you receive some tough news. What was yeah we went in to find out what it lies and belay by.

They told us he had it terrible hearts, and they didn't know if he would live, and that started SNL kind of journey yeah and what was that diagnosis so they told us that day that he had a disease called hypoplastic left heart syndrome.

That was a very rare condition that they rarely saw and so it's means that literally half of his heart did not develop and even had the doctor suggests terminating the child. Yeah, I was strongly aggressive to terminate your hits in random times, but I know he would be on to her now as I'm home and we have great parents.

My mom will go with me to all the hundreds of appointments we had to get you and we were at a doctor there called maternal-fetal doctors. They basically help you figure out what your having they thought he had some one of the trisomy is and they thought they knew his heart was really bad and I remember – probably five or six of the appointments when he was gone.

They were coming honestly with large voices yelling, a little bed and saying, what are you doing to your family and your marriage.

This is not going to be good. Your son will be in the hospital intubated. He lived a short life and will be painful for everyone and his siblings. It's it's kind of mean is basically what is trying to tell me and I remember just saying I will do anything I am having this child is worth it for me and your daughter Emily was having dreams correct. This is a phenomenal story.

It's pretty socially aware that Nancy was stressed or was this before and how old was she and what were the dream she was so any started having dreams when she was two and this is when you know a two-year-old starts talking and chatting, we can have conversations and one time she woke up and she said mommy. This is very any other dreams except for these mommy.

I woke up in dream, I dream about my brother we see on stage special guys like you are pregnant before pregnant. This is the right as I'm having my second girl and never having Marquette. She has that dream about a year later, she said mommy dream brother were singing on stage, but he dies mommy. He dies okay. She has three times she has it, and on the day she's diagnosed were diagnosed at I laid in bed with her and I said honey dream that you have about your brother, and he dies. How old is he when he dies and she says it's because you and daddy is four years old.

She didn't say as old as you and daddy shredded as big as you, and that actually gave you the strength to say no to move forward. I was like how this day. She's 14 and just last year when we were preparing for balance surgery. She on she said she started almost unpacking and on. She does mom think it was because I can still see them clear as day and Solomon asked doesn't look like him and she's, like, I can't really see his face right now I am one of them. But what a beautiful way that the Lord used unbelievable. You know that one party can say is really interesting is when Bridget ultrasound tech was actually doing the ultrasound went and found out that day before they told us. Sarah leaned over and said to Bridget ready she saw the heart is so weird he has his dreams as a she told us later. Like she was looking at that at that moment Sarah leaned over and told her that that any wanted a brother but he dies in the streams she has and that's when the tech found his halfhearted and you know just to make sure bones alive.

How old will balance 10.

I just want to just yeah we celebrated Bowman's 10th birthday on September 9. You know he did endure his third open heart surgery in July 2019, but he is really in a season of thriving yeah right you know, again I didn't want to do a disservice to our listeners and say okay what happened. Bowen's yeah absolutely striving and working to come back next time and continue the story and speak specifically to what happened in your marriage. During all this time so man what a powerful story and let me say to the listeners lead me as a great resource. A minute touches on so many of life's complications know when you feel like the Lord must've made a mistake in bringing my spouse because were so different or going through a catastrophe like a child diagnosed with terminally ill situation. All those things bring tremendous pressure on your relationship with the Lord in your relationship with each other and both of you have set this up so well in terms of the rest of the story. Next time, if your marriage is struggling like your hearing here.

We have hope restored, which is an excellent resource for you.

It's a four day marriage intensive program. 80% post to your success rate.

Meaning two years later those marriages 80% of them are together and doing better. So, consider that don't let your marriage dissolve without fighting for you. Give us a call and let us connect you with one of her counselors would be happy to tell you more about hope restored as well a number 800 the letter a in the word family and I can also connect with us through the website and the link and details are in the show's and Jim mentioned this great book leave me for gift today to Focus on the Family to support the work were doing here to support marriages speak the value of life and culture.

Your donation of any amount will be greatly appreciated and will say thanks by sending a copy of lead me to you get her number is 800 K word family met Sarah, thanks again for being with us today. Let's come back next time and hear the rest of the story. Thank you so much and on behalf of Jim Daly, and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back once again help you and your family thrive in Christ